1 Year relationship - can't say she loves me! [update: We have split up]

[alpha99]

Last night I went out with a friend and had a chat about my breakup. He was very helpful in going over things because he has more dating experience than I do. The main difference of opinion in what to do is that he thinks I should contact her to say how I feel, this is me, here's what I can offer, and see if she wants to take it or leave it. He reckons at least I'll have left no stone unturned. I feel that it is too early to be doing that when we split up only 36 hours ago and if I were to do so she would still be focusing on her perceived negatives of our relationship.

 

He has given me some things to consider though which I'll outline here.

 

I need to really consider whether I want the sort of relationship I had with her. On a simple level, yes, of course I do. I love her. On the other hand, now I think back and if I'm completely honest with myself there were times were I thought to myself that this isn't everything I would ever want from a relationship but maybe I kept going because it was better than being alone.

 

I have felt that I was the one chasing all the time. I would mainly initiate texts and calls, although she did on occasion too. Over time this may have been seen as being needy. Because of living arrangements for most of our relationship, I would mostly go to her house. Only in recent months has the situation allowed me to come to mine, and she only stayed over a handful of times.

 

Having no contact is hard. There are times when I'm occupied and I think "yeah, no problem, I'll just get on with my life", but then there are times when I'm alone, maybe late at night, and it is so hard not to want to reach out to her. I do wonder how she feels and what she's thinking right now. Does she miss me? Is she hurting? Was it a big relief to have ended the relationship? Will she miss me? If so, at what point? When should I contact her?

 

Other things to consider are that she rarely cuddled into me when in bed. She would sometimes half do it. With my ex wife, in the good times, we would be almost locked together and entwined. With my now ex girlfriend, I would have to cuddle into her, which she liked, but in this respect and many other ways of giving affection she was not forthcoming. Having said that, recently she did initiate hand holding in public and things like that.

 

She was always keen to have intercourse. Looking back, I guess at times it felt like there was less intimacy in it for her and more a need being met by an action. It's unfair to say that the whole time but as I'm typing this it all adds up to sounding like she didn't fully commit to me or that she has some sort of intimacy or commitment issues.

 

I do wonder what I'll do is she is to contact me soon. I'd have to remind myself not to fall into the trap of thinking, "oh great, attention, never mind the break up and the pain, it might be back on, let's get on with it". I need to consider if she is just trying to diminish any guilt etc.

 

After saying all this is might sound like it was a very unfulfilling relationship, but I had a fantastic time with her. I wished that the issues above weren't there, and they are a significant part of the relationship, but I still feel she cared for me.

 

I do want her back. I want to know what's the best thing to do. I search a lot online at those advice websites that just want to peddle some system. I'd never buy one but I read the free stuff. No contact seems to be the most common. My fear is that she ended it after saying she didn't love me, had never felt that way, and so it would be easy for her to move on and forget me.

 

Whilst I'm using no contact there are major changes happening in my life. A new job and stable childcare arrangements are all happening imminently. I feel the job in particular will bring about a more confident me as it is a significant pay increase. Although we never shared finances etc, she clearly earnt a vast amount more than me, and I think going some way to equal that up would make a huge difference to my self esteem. I could buy new clothes, have my house done up etc. Being in a position to have a few nicer things in life has to be good.

 

My hope is that when I do contact her again she will see a new and improved me, an even better me than when we first met. She will see someone in a much better place in their life and able to provide some of the things she says are missing now; being stronger, independent, self assured, confident, whilst also retaining my core personality. If she doesn't like that, then at that point I'll be so content in myself that it won't hurt like it does now. I'm going to restart old hobbies, get out more, reconnect with old friends, make new work friends etc.

 

This is a long post but I hope it is helpful in getting some thoughts off my chest. I wonder what you all think?

[fromheart]

Yes I have had complete success with NC.

 

The last woman I was seeing started talking about ending it. She gave reasons but I didn't listen to them, reason being was that it was now over for me and she was no longer in my personal space.

Therefore, she was not in a position to comment or reflect on me intimately.

 

I completely walked away, a few months later she admitted to making a mistake and messing up a good thing between us. At that point, I no longer wished to be with her.

 

Walking away is taking control of the situation and restoring your own male polarity. Its looking after yourself. It also solves any issues of not being 'male enough,' during the relationship as you are now fully being a man by doing the right thing.

 

Its also an act that usually rekindles interest in the other person. But do you really want to be with her after she said those things? There's a bit of neediness in you, as there has been in me. Take away that neediness, and you will most probably feel that you don't want to be with someone who isn't very sympathetic to what you've been going through.

[elaine567]

From what she says are the reasons for the split my guess is that you have no hope of getting her back.

She, it seems, feels she made a mistake in dating you and now sees it for what it was.

 

Her list of reasons highlights the issues that many single people face when dating divorced/separated people with kids.

The minuses finally overcame the pluses here.

Your "baggage" will have infiltrated into every aspect of your relationship and whilst you see it all sorting itself out soon, she, no doubt sees years ahead of hassle and potential heartbreak for her.

"We couldn't have got married in a church because I've been married before."

It may seem a little bit ridiculous as she was dating a separated man but I guess in the first flush of the relationship she didn't see that far ahead, then a bit of the honeymoon phase kicked in, then she gradually starts thinking of the future, then it hits home.

The reality of your ex, the kids, her being the second wife - second best.

She imagines her "non-church" wedding and she imagines guests at her non-church wedding thinking "We already did this not that long ago, how long will this one last...?"

Hardly the stuff of romance.

 

She imagines dealing with your ex for life, dealing with your kids, dealing with your differences concerning child-care, your differences in personality... etc.

This may have worked out fine if true "love" was involved, but she felt you were just like "best friends" and that isn't a strong enough bond for her to sacrifice what she would need to sacrifice by making this into a long term arrangement.

She thus didn't want to "settle" for something less than what she really wants in life, so she has thus bailed.

 

Definitely stay on the path of self improvement, but this ship may have already sailed.

Sorry!

Grieve, heal and move on is my advice.

[alpha99]

Day 2 of no contact. I'm going to log the days of no contact here as a motivation to maintain it. It may seem like an unhealthy fixation to do that but I feel if I don't I'll cave in at some point and call her and make things worse.

 

Elaine, your post just made me cry!

 

That is one of the hardest things I've ever had to read...the reason being that right in this moment I think you are absolutely 100% correct. When I piece the dots together of other things she's said it makes perfect sense. I think it's my false hope that she'll miss me, be lonely at home at night, and make contact at some point. She's more likely to plough on with work, put up with lonliness for a while, and at some point move on.

 

My friend who gave advice doesn't seem to think things are necessarily over. He does also suggest that her personality type (they've never met, but from what I've told him) is one such that she'll never reach out and open up to me. She didn't the whole time together so it makes sense that she wouldn't now we've broken up. I suppose I'm looking for a glimmer of hope when the reality seems to be what you're saying.

 

When we had this conversation to a smaller extent a few months ago she said then that she didn't know about the future because she would have to give up a lot. It seems she has given it some serious thought and, as you say, hasn't felt enough there towards me to sacrifice everything she wants.

 

I have no choice but to plough on ahead, new job, childcare arrangements sorted, divorce, new activities with my spare time, and I do sincerely hope you're wrong and that at some point she encounters an improved me and things change.

 

Right now is a living hell.

[alpha99]

This will seem odd given yesterday's post but...

 

I spoke with my gf/ex gf last night for 2.5 hours on the phone into the early hours of this morning.

 

So much was said that it's hard to piece it all together but basically what I took from it is this:

 

Her reason for splitting is that she doesn't feel the butterflies she thought she would. That's it.

 

We talked and talked and cleared up some misunderstandings from our break up conversation. There's so much I could write and may do if I feel the need at some point in the future. Right now I feel in a much better place. The conversation ended with us saying we'd speak soon.

 

So today I've done what I always do and researched stuff. It seems fairly common for people to go on to have deep and loving relationships that never had that euphoric feeling initially, the butterflies, a spark, whatever you'd call it.

 

My question now I guess is what do I do about it? I feel calm inside right now knowing this is something that could easily be 'fixed'. I don't think that going down the route of badgering her to convince her she doesn't need a spark etc would be the best thing to do.

 

From what I've read it simply seems that we've gotten on so well from the start that we've experienced a deep love from the beginning that perhaps she hasn't even been aware of.

 

I'm thinking instead I would email her explaining how I feel, maybe link to some of the stuff I'm reading, and let her make her own mind up.

 

Any thoughts or suggestions?

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, you really need to listen to what she's trying to tell you: she hasn't ever felt the way about you that you did about her.

 

It's not something that can be manufactured. It's not because she doesn't know what love is, or doesn't realize what her feelings for you were. You don't know her own mind better than she does. She knows how she feels, and she knows it's not right to stay together when her heart isn't in it. She has already made up her mind.

 

You need to start accepting that she isn't The One for you. Anything else is going to hurt you.

[elaine567]

 

From what I've read it simply seems that we've gotten on so well from the start that we've experienced a deep love from the beginning that perhaps she hasn't even been aware of.

I highly doubt that, she will know exactly how she feels. This is not about how YOU feel, it is about how SHE feels and I guess she will not take kindly to you suggesting her feelings are wrong.

 

I'm thinking instead I would email her explaining how I feel, maybe link to some of the stuff I'm reading, and let her make her own mind up.

Any thoughts or suggestions?

She already knows how YOU feel, but she still felt the need to break up with you anyway.

 

Such emails are almost universally a bad idea, she is not suddenly going to fall into your arms over something she is probably well aware of.

Such emails tend to get ignored completely

or, they get replied to by one smiley, or - take your pick

or, they get replied to by "Thank you, have a nice life" or words to that effect

or, they replied to with a "Leave me alone, I thought I made myself clear" message

or, they get replied to by another full account of why she felt it was never going to work, but that she would like to be your friend.

 

Don't send it, it is very unlikely to help.

[WomenWubber]

She's trying to let you down gently dude.

[alpha99]

You know what, for the most part I have come on here to document things. I read your replies but I feel like because it's my life and I know that ins and outs of things that there's more to stuff than I can say in any single post.

 

I guess the cumulative experience of people here means that you can see things that I'm too close or too emotional to see.

 

What I'm basically getting at is that if I look through previous responses they all generally say she doesn't love you, want to be with you, deal with it.

 

Well, now I am. We spoke the other night for a long time. I posted about that above. I thought it left more to be said. You all disagreed. I have seen that she has been active on a dating site a couple of times in the last few days. Yes, I have been looking on occasion. I know I shouldn't.

 

To this point I felt that although we'd broken up, she was still somewhat undecided or regretting things, and if I played it right we could rekindle things almost immediately etc. I hadn't been chasing her. Just the one long phone call. Well, last night my emotions overtook me and I sent her a message and tried to call. She didn't want to speak on the phone but replied in a text to say she had said she couldn't keep saying the same thing, she was sorry it wasn't what I wanted to hear but that she still thinks she is making the best decision for us both.

 

This was both a slap in the face and a wake up call. I guess I've probed to the point where her kindness in letting me down softly had slipped slightly to be a bit firmer in stating her intentions. Yes, I know we'd split up but when you get some mixed signals about who knows in the future etc it is hard.

 

Basically, I'm at the point where I know if I contact her again now then I will most likely never speak to her again. There's been no nastiness. I just realise I hadn't accepted what she had been telling me to this point. Now I understand.

 

Despite it all I would like her back, but I would also like to move forward in my life. I realise that if I do things for myself I will feel better about myself. That may have the secondary effect of her moving closer to me again the future, it may not, but I need to do things for myself now.

 

Although I stated before about going no contact, now, despite some hurt and pain I'm still feeling, I do honestly feel able to do it because I know I have to - not just as a ploy to win her back or whatever, but more importantly for myself.

 

I'm looking at hobbies to take up, activities to pursue, friends to make or reacquaint with etc. I need to completely let her go.

 

When we met I was engaged in various social activities via a meetup group, went to a gym, hung out with my friends a bit more, went to language classes etc. In a short space of time after meeting I had stopped all those activities. Other than occasionally doing something with friends, my free time was taken up with her. I think I became too dependent on her for my happiness. I think I leaned on her for support too much. When speaking the other night, she said she felt she had improved my life by helping me with things but that I had not improved her life in the same way. She's right.

 

My work is going to improve things. For the first time in my life, I will have a pretty well paid job. I'm waiting on the start date. I will continue down the path of divorcing and settling childcare arrangements. One thing she said is that she was tired of it all. I am tired too. I want to live life without the hassle of the past. I don't include my children in that, clearly.

 

I've put a date in my diary. It's 35 days from now. The plan is not to contact her again until that date at the earliest. I'm sure there will be times when I feel the need to reach out, but having a date in mind will certainly help to prevent that.

 

In that time childcare will be arranged by court, starting divorce proceedings, I will be in a new, better job making new work friends, although I'm in decent shape I will lose some more weight and join the gym again, I will be socialising with friends, making new friends, and maybe even ready to move on and date. I will see how I feel at the time.

 

Right now I can't say I've moved on. I'm just making the first steps in doing so. At the moment I would dearly love her back, just as I did when I separated from my ex wife a few years ago. I know time heals and feelings subside, and I'm going to put my time to good use to become a better me!

 

*edit*

Why wait? I stopped whilst constructing this post to go online and rejoin my local gym. There, one thing done! I used to like going and felt more confident when I was lighter. In my time with my ex I put on around 30 pounds. She probably put something similar on with being comfortable with each other. Recently I have lost about half of that. I plan to lose the rest, tone up, develop muscle and more through the use of the gym.

[LastStraw]

I'd say you're doing the right thing with not contacting her right now.

 

 

I don't want to give you false hopes but.. I actually think she may come back. Just don't pressure her. Contact her just to tell her about your new success with the job, divorce finalizing etc. If she doesn't come back even then - you will know that you've done your best and you can move on without regrets.

 

 

[]

Edited November 7, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
redacted long text of immediately preceding post ~6

[alpha99]

Hi Last Straw,

 

Thanks for your comment. When most people seem to think that this is dead and buried, I'm just curious as to why you think she may come back to me. Do you have any experience of this sort of situation?

[alpha99]

Just to add to the above, I've been out this evening with a friend who patiently listened to me go over things. The thing is, as I explained the situation to him, I didn't feel the intense pain I have been doing over the last few days. I feel I'm starting to get over things...slowly.

 

I have eaten properly for the first time since the break up. I am now tired and feel like relaxing and watching TV rather than constantly searching online how to get your ex girlfriend back etc.

 

It's a hard one to keep away from social media and the like. We're friends on facebook and I can also see when she's been on Whatsapp. I can find her on the dating site she's using... but you know what, I'm starting not to care. Now I know she's on it, she can do as she pleases, and I'm not being horrible here, it's just that I know what we had was good, and if she can't see it then that's her loss I guess. I will take time for myself, heal, and move on. If in the meantime she comes back to me, then so be it, that would be great, but I'm slowly moving away from being the needy, insecure desperado I have been to this point.

 

night all!

[LastStraw]

Because I think it is mainly because you're not legally divorced yet and she though this will delay her getting married and having kids with you, so she started looking elsewhere.

 

 

If you finalize the divorce, get a good custody arrangements, start a better job - the circumstances that made her hesitant on the first place - she'll run back to you. Remember what she told you in the break up talk 'you may be the last chance...'

 

 

I could be wrong of course. I'm getting through a similar break with my BF right now so the topic is close to my heart

 

 

 

 

Hi Last Straw,

 

Thanks for your comment. When most people seem to think that this is dead and buried, I'm just curious as to why you think she may come back to me. Do you have any experience of this sort of situation?

[elaine567]

Because I think it is mainly because you're not legally divorced yet and she though this will delay her getting married and having kids with you, so she started looking elsewhere.

If you finalize the divorce, get a good custody arrangements, start a better job - the circumstances that made her hesitant on the first place - she'll run back to you. Remember what she told you in the break up talk 'you may be the last chance...'

I could be wrong of course. I'm getting through a similar break with my BF right now so the topic is close to my heart

 

Maybe a little bit of wishful thinking on your part, I guess.

 

This girl has made it perfectly clear where she is at, and has re-iterated her stance once again. If this was "love" I would tend to agree she may have come back, but this was not "love", she recognised that and she was therefore not prepared to make the sacrifices necessary to stay in the relationship.

[ExpatInItaly]

Maybe a little bit of wishful thinking on your part, I guess.

 

This girl has made it perfectly clear where she is at, and has re-iterated her stance once again. If this was "love" I would tend to agree she may have come back, but this was not "love", she recognised that and she was therefore not prepared to make the sacrifices necessary to stay in the relationship.

 

I agree with this.

 

I don't think she will be back. She cited other reasons for her departure. If it were all down to OP not being divorced yet, there might be a possibility she would return. I don't get the sense that's the case here, though.

[alpha99]

Thank you for your replies. As depressing as it is to read them, I appreciate them. As I said before, the answers on here have been on the whole spot on.

 

I know I'm at the stage whereby I have to go no contact, make the positive changes both in myself and my circumstances which will make me feel better, and see if at some point down the line through contact from either one or us she sees what attracted her to me in the first place, if not an improved version, and go from there.

 

I do hope and think that some time apart will give her the space she wants to reflect on our time together. We had a great time together, lots of fun memories. I think her time on a dating site will most likely lead her to go on dates pretty quickly, but she is notoriously picky, both by her own admission and that of her mother, so I don't think she'll find what she desires so quickly and it may remind her of the good relationship we had.

 

Again, through our break up she's said she loves being with me, is missing me, is finding it hard, has never felt so comfortable as she has with me, wants to know if it is friendship she's missing or something more, wants space and time to get her head straight, told me to sort out the kids/divorce/house etc. Earlier in our relationship she'd said I was the only person she ever saw herself being able to have children with and get married to. Clearly she's not thinking that right now but it has been a possibility for her in the past.

 

My appetite is coming back. I ate a meal for the first time last night since Thursday. I get waves of emotion, which are getting less frequent as the hours and days roll by, but I did wake up at 3am this morning in a bit of a sweat, so only 2 hours sleep last night.

 

I've done an awful lot of reading the last few days, both on here and all over the internet, mostly on no contact and how to get your ex back etc. Given her last message, still polite but a bit more to the point, I know I can't mess up by pursuing her further at the moment.

 

Last time we spoke she said it had been hard, she'd spent Saturday alone and it was hard not to reach out to me, to send messages about day to day stuff, again, she'd missed me, but she wanted to know whether it was due to love or not. It will be bloody hard not to contact her when the inevitable waves of emotion kick in now and again, but keeping busy with work, friends, and other activities should help.

 

I believe she will get in touch around the time of my court date over the kids, either to say good luck or the like, or to find out what happened. If that happens, it may just be her being friendly and considerate given our time together, but it could also be the springboard to some further communication. We'll have to wait and see!

[alpha99]

OK, I still feel crap but there's been a bit of a breakthrough.

 

Up to this point I think I've been torturing myself by looking at Facebook and WhatsApp and checking the dating site to see if my ex has been online. Well, last night I had my children with me and naturally spent the time with them. When they went to bed I was tired and watched TV and read a little about relationships. I did not at any point check the usual stuff.

 

Although she is on my mind regularly, slowly things are happening to take the pain away. By not focusing in on what she may be up to, by ignoring it in effect, I am slowly being able to start to deal with this properly.

 

I know it's going to be hard. For example, we should have been going out tonight to a show that she'd booked tickets for only 10 days ago or so. Madness. But I will keep busy with work and other things and do what's right for me.

 

I have to say I'm holding onto the thought that we never argued, got on so incredibly well, and although I think she is beautiful, she is not so in a classical way, so this combined with her pickiness, busy work life and other things means I feel she's unlikely to find what she's after any time soon.

 

Three weeks today my childcare arrangements will be finalised. That's a huge thing for me. Once out of the way I will consider contacting her. I just simply fail to see how at this moment she could not be missing me to some degree. Maybe her even getting out there a little bit and seeing what's on offer in terms of someone else may show her how actually we had a great thing.

 

I read something interesting before actually about 80/20 principle. Basically it said that if I offered her 805 of what she wants she would go looking for the 20% eventually. If I take that to mean the thrill and excitement she's after then that makes sense. But if she finds out that the shine soon wears off with someone else then and she doesn't have that 80% with them, she may well reflect on us and see that she was actually way better off.

 

I just bloody miss her so much right now.

[alpha99]

Some good news.

 

I start my new job on Monday. I am feeling better in myself. I miss my ex but it comes in waves now and they aren't as intense as before. It's been three days of no contact, and four days since I spoke to her.

 

I'm gutted she appears to be on a dating site so quickly. Did I really mean nothing to her? We were so emotional at the time of splitting up. How I wish I could go back and change things.

 

Oh well.

 

To the future! I'm going to the gym when I finish work today. I've lost half a stone this last week, sharpened up my look, and I think I look pretty darn good actually. If I can lose another 14lbs in the next few weeks then I'll be made up, new job, better physique, and more money and time to do things!

 

I can see how all the guides and advice will be true, I can feel it now. By the time I go back to her after no contact I will be in a much better place. If it works out, great, but if not I don't think I'll be devastated as I was when we split last week. The only downside to that is she is probably starting to feel better too, maybe even more quickly than me since she split up with me.

[LastStraw]

Congrats for the new job!

 

 

The only downside to that is she is probably starting to feel better too, maybe even more quickly than me since she split up with me. Don't kid yourself. It is usually equally hard if not harder for the dumper (unless there was something major like abuse or something) because they made the decision so they need to justify to themselves it was the right one, go through feelings of guilt etc.

 

 

Ask yourself if you really want her back - will it be for good if your wish really comes through. Is she reliable? Is she somebody you can trust?

[elaine567]

Congrats for the new job!

 

 

The only downside to that is she is probably starting to feel better too, maybe even more quickly than me since she split up with me. Don't kid yourself. It is usually equally hard if not harder for the dumper (unless there was something major like abuse or something) because they made the decision so they need to justify to themselves it was the right one, go through feelings of guilt etc.

 

The dumper usually did all that way before they told the dumpee they were splitting up.

That is why dumpers often walk away and get into new relationships very quickly and never look back.

They were already 95% over the relationship on the day they told the dumpee.

Yes, they may feel some guilt and sadness about hurting the other, but it can be a great relief too to get free from a relationship that wasn't working for them.

 

The dumpers that feel it the most, are those who were "forced" into dumping someone due to perhaps bad behaviour on the part of the dumpee (can sometimes be a deliberate ploy), so in reality they are more like the dumpee than the dumper.

They never planned to split up, they were forced into being the dumper.

[alpha99]

Hi Elaine,

 

I understand all that I guess. Just that we were both so emotional and so upset, and she has said since how hard it has been and that she's missing me and wants time and space to see if it is love that she feels or deep friendship. Maybe that was all nonsense to let me down gently. Who knows? I think our break up was a little different to the norm though in that we never argued, no accusations, blaming etc. She said she had only began to think about things when I called her and directly asked her about us on the Monday. The next time I saw her was Thursday and we broke up.

 

Although I'm not checking as I was, I do know she is on the dating site we met on a fair bit. I don't know whether it was all a lie, and she can move on so quickly. One thing she said when splitting was that I love her more than she loves me. She said plenty of other times in that conversation that she doesn't know if she loves me or whether we're just best friends, but she doesn't think she does.

 

I am feeling better by the way, as I said before, and so I can see a point where it doesn't hurt as it has been up this point.

 

It's a tough one, I enjoy her company so much that I miss her incredibly at times, but on the other hand I don't think I would want to be just friends. I certainly would find it hard in the case she met someone else.

 

I've done a lot today, house errands, work, new job sorted, going to the gym later. I'm taking control of my life, which is what she accused me of not doing, but I am most definitely doing it for me.

 

I am longing to reach and out and call her but I know I can't. It's not laden with the emotion of recent days, just that I miss her and want to speak to her and hold her, but again, not in the desperate sense I was immediately post split, just more a I miss you and love you general feeling of sadness really.

[alpha99]

Congrats for the new job!

 

 

The only downside to that is she is probably starting to feel better too, maybe even more quickly than me since she split up with me. Don't kid yourself. It is usually equally hard if not harder for the dumper (unless there was something major like abuse or something) because they made the decision so they need to justify to themselves it was the right one, go through feelings of guilt etc.

 

 

Ask yourself if you really want her back - will it be for good if your wish really comes through. Is she reliable? Is she somebody you can trust?

 

I've just seen this. I would love her back. I think she is trustworthy. To be fair to her, my life has been a mess what with sorting out a divorce and kid arrangements, not in a great job, and when we met living out my parent's house.

 

She could see things were changing but she thought she was the one doing all the work. I now live back in my own former martial home, kids arrangements get finalised in three, new job starts on Monday, I've rejoined the gym, lost weight, look pretty good. Her life is different, she has an excellent job, lovely home, plenty of money and security, and a different kind of family to mine that are very, very nice.

 

I can see how she couldn't fully commit to someone who is married still. No chance ever of going back to my ex wife, and she knows that. Ex wife has moved on, has kid, hates me, and her BF assaulted me recently.

 

Ex GF did say she was tired of it all and to go and sort things out.

 

After a ten year relationship including marriage and children ended I was feeling good enough to go dating 10 weeks or so later. only a month or two after that I met my now ex GF. What I realise is that as hard as it is there's plenty more fish in the sea. Not that I want that of course, but I'm just aware that she's not the only female on the planet.

[alpha99]

A new day, a new perspective...

 

Today I heard back from the police that after my ex wife had told lies after her bf assaulted me, the police have rightfully concluded I've done nothing wrong. They are going to assess whether to do anything about the other party. So that's a huge relief off my mind.

 

I've been thinking about no contact. There's a guy online who I won't mention but he suggests that if they don't feel much for you right now then giving them time without contact is only going to let them move on. It suggests that what I need to do is actively spark interest in them about me.

 

So going along with this, I have just texted her to say I have some good news that I thought she'd like to know about and that I'll call her later to talk. Of course the news is the stuff I've written above. Since she doesn't know that yet it should make her curious as to what the news is.

 

The same guide suggests I should be trying to make her laugh, increase respect etc whilst we chat as that will help to turn on feelings towards me. So that means no mopey, crying, please take me back type stuff, more just being in a mental state where I'm confident, can make jokes, and try to make her happy.

 

The plan is to mention a few of the good things that have gone on this week, job, police, gym in a casual way, ask how she's been doing, throw in a few jokes to make light of my previous wussy way on the phone, also to mention in a non emotional way that I understand how she has felt etc, and then see if she'll agree to meeting up on Sunday for a catch up - not a big chat or put out ideas of getting back together - just a catch up. I plan to do all of this within a ten minute phone conversation as I read elsewhere that that is the peak time to hold interest. Who knows if it's right but last time we spoke for 2.5 hours and I could feel the intensity lapse as time went on.

 

I'm not holding out hope this will work but I do want to try everything before I move on. Whilst I'm doing other things in my life, sitting around and effectively waiting for her isn't going to work. I think speaking to her in the correct way may indeed give her a new perspective of me. I need to rid her mind of the image of a weak, clingy, needy man and show that I am fine without her, I am getting on with life, that I do miss her but not in an obsessive can't live without you weak way.

 

What do you think?

[alpha99]

OK, she has just replied saying:

 

I always like good news speak later x.

 

Well, that's something I suppose. She will be on her dinner now at work and has taken the time to reply at least rather than ignore me.

 

I think tonight is going to be a very important conversation. I need to project confidence, make her laugh, keep things light, not get emotional.

 

Of course at this point she is more than likely just being nice and polite. I'm hoping I can use some of the tips I've read online to spark some response from her.

 

Any thoughts or tips?

[elaine567]

... she said that she couldn't say she loved me because of all the surrounding issues with ex wife, divorce, children etc.

 

Today I heard back from the police that after my ex wife had told lies after her bf assaulted me, the police have rightfully concluded I've done nothing wrong. They are going to assess whether to do anything about the other party. So that's a huge relief off my mind.

 

So going along with this, I have just texted her to say I have some good news that I thought she'd like to know about and that I'll call her later to talk. Of course the news is the stuff I've written above.

 

OK, she has just replied saying:

 

I always like good news speak later x.

 

 

Unfortunately although of course that is good news for YOU, this will just remind her of all the hassle your ex caused in your relationship.

 

She said she was fed up of hearing about the ex, the kids, the divorce... and YOU are doing it all again.

She is not even with you any more and you want to bring up the alleged assault, your "lying" ex and her bf, the police involvement and what is essentially a MESS, a mess SHE wants NO part of.

 

"Good news" IS :- you won some money on the lottery, you are in line for a promotion, you bought a new car, you passed an exam, you sold your house for loads of money, you are going on holiday, your friend/sibling/colleague just had a new baby... etc. etc.