1 Year relationship - can't say she loves me! [update: We have split up]

[TooRational]

Congrats for unfriending her on Facebook, that was an important step.

 

Am I the only one that feels very uneasy about the recording of phone conversations? I think you have a bad case of overanalysis and you need to learn how to chill a bit. Believe in your capability to understand the conversation the very first time. It's normal to misunderstand things from time to time, no biggie. The best way to improve your conversation skills is to talk to lots of different people, not to listen over again to previous conversations.

 

Last point, was she aware that you were recording her? I would personally be pissed to learn about that, if I were in her place.

[alpha99]

I haven't made a habit of making recordings, have never done it during our relationship, but a highly stressful time for me means it would be easy to misinterpret something and put a positive spin on it.

 

I feel I've cut down the ways she can inadvertently hurt me. No FB, no WhatsApp, no phone contact, it will be hard initially but once over the hump I can start to move on.

 

Reading Bonnie Weil's book and other info online, plus all your advice, it does seem like it can take months for a dumper to miss someone. They may not even act on that feeling.

 

NC has to be primarily for me, I know. I know once out of my system I can very quickly move on. I do habour hopes NC will mean she does at some point miss me. We had a great relationship, I'm a good guy, no arguing etc. I feel she has some issues with committment on top of everything else. I think time will heal me and also.mske her think about our good times together, maybe even have her compare that with future dates, and I'm sure I'll come out on top.

 

Anyway, the focus has to be on me. I'm on a dating site but not in a position for anything serious at all right now. I think there's someone I've just met socially who may be interested in me. Again, I'm upfront and honest and if interest was shown I'd be straight up in where I am.

 

This thread has been excellent in logging my journey, as painful as that has been, and I do hope I look back in a few months time feeling tons better....And maybe, just maybe posting about contact and potential reconciliation.

[springy]

Good first step. Plan to stay off her dating profile as well. Maybe you can block the profile so it doesn't show up?

[alpha99]

I do plan not to check her dating profile. It won't lead to anything good if I do.

 

I think I've finally reached the point I wish I had when we split, truly going NC. Yes, it's scary, and who knows if we'll ever speak again, but actually believe it or not I am quite excited about getting my life back. I have plans for hobbies, studies, socialising etc.

 

She's off the pedestal too. She is great, but not perfect, and i can see her faults.

 

That said, as before, as I plough on and move forward I would at some point like her to contact looking to reconcile. I'm not clinging on to hope but it is something I'd like. If she did I wouldn't jump at it but take time to work through our issues, get her feelings out on things, so I'm not hurt again.

 

My only basis for that even being a possibility is her age, want of children and marriage, our good relationship, her previous comments of contacting me should she miss me, and a belief she will.

 

No expectations, just a wish that someday that turns out to be the case.

[Sweetfish]

Anyway, at the moment I'm unsure if it was the right thing to do but what I've been doing so far hasn't made me feel much better or get any closer to getting her back - and I definitely don't want her feed coming through should she meet someone else.

 

Yes. it was the right thing to go. Please let us know what other options you have? You unfriending her is not to bring-forth some kind of instant returns on your investment.

 

I've read various NC threads and this time I'm determined not to contact her.

 

If she texts for New Year I don't think I'll answer, or about the court case I may send a short, closed reply

You should have gone no contact from the start. I'll let you know your mistake and what position you have put your self in.

 

1. Contacting during the holidays Oct, Nov, Dec, JAN is the WORST mistake. Its when family, friends, stores, her job and everyone in her social circle will be competing to get her attention and vice versa. At the height of the season were women get the most attention, you are trying to contact her and win her heart back...but what your doing is creating little doses of depression every-time you contact her.

 

She feels bad for the break-up and every-time you pop-up in her phone your creating a "buzzkill" You may think she is happy, smiling, and making progress by talking to her on the phone and texting her... but hey people think beer is an anti-depressant none the less.

 

Women are emotional and don't tap into the rational mind as much when decision making comes into play. Its just the way the female brain is design. There are more connections between the left and right spheres of the brain. Men, however brains is more wired front and back which makes us more rational.

 

Why am I telling you this...

 

Every time you contact her she will not tap into her rational mind like men do. She is tapping into her emotions. She is giving you time tables because her emotional mind and rational mind are conflicting.

 

"Hmmm, he is a really nice guy, sweet and funny why don't I feel butterflies anymore.. maybe they will comeback in the future"

 

every time you pop-up, you give the gift of not missing you. There are only two feeling you can create at this moment.

 

The feeling of missing you

The feeling of butterflies

 

News-flash. The butterflies are not coming back. I've seen many women like this in my life.. dumping guy after guy after guy in a span of 2-3 year periods because the fuse on the candle has worn out.... The other waits and waits and waits until they hit the wall. Just trying to catch perfection instead of creating perfection.

 

So the only option you have is missing you. Some how you are just not comprehending this. I think 99% of guys don't

 

The position you left your self now is walking away late in the game. But you have to do it to heal. So you blew off every ones advice and now in the middle of all this you have to resort back to the original advice we gave you.

 

So now you have to answer and be put in uncomfortable or damaging positions to why your pulling away.

 

We give you advice and you praise the online ebook and recover sites and you always come back here with your head down because you did not follow our advise. Online sites are there to make money.

 

The letter you suggest NEVER works... never ever ever ever. You do that.. you should just close this thread lol.

 

Please find a thread were reconciliation happens while the guy swags his way back in without completely removing him self out of the picture... when you find it link it here.

 

 

 

Edited December 30, 2016 by Sweetfish

[alpha99]

The point you make about butterflies is true. She is on a quest for that and it seems every relationship she's ever had has ended in part because she says she lacks feeling for the person. Even a friend of mine who doesn't know her said that it seems she's the type who'll be in a cycle of never letting anyone in, missing the desired feelings, and breaking up at the year to 18 month mark.

 

Even in my mixed up state I had realised that it being the holiday period means she'd be surrounded by family and friends and it wouldn't be 'normal' time for the feeling of missing me to kick in.

 

You're right, I took the easy option. Not letting go because I read there's a chance to get her back through contact. It seemed to be working - we met up - but ultimately my relationship talk(s) probably pushed her further away.

 

We could still very easily be friends but I don't want that...I want it all...Or nothing at all.

 

Two days after we split I texted her. She replied instantly in a usual manner and said 'I wondered whether you'd want me to message you'. I called and we had a 4+ hour chat. If I'd have given more time without contact those feelings of hers would have surely grown stronger. Instead I chased and chased and now she'll feel, if anything, that she can waltz back whenever she likes because I'm sat here waiting. We split up 8 weeks ago.

 

I feel loss at unfriending her from Facebook. It's funny how big that feels. At this point it doesn't matter but I wonder if she feels the same. Probably not right now as she'll be wrapped up in holiday stuff and may not have even noticed, but when she does I wonder.

 

This time it feels different. No contact before for me meant still looking at the dating site, FB, WhatsApp - just not contacting her directly..Until I cracked and did. Now there's no FB, WhatsApp, phone contact, only the dating site - and I haven't looked on that for her. I do think that although I miss her, think of her often, post here etc, that I'll be able to heal quicker without that contact.

 

What I know from the dating site previously though when I was looking is she has now spent 2 months on there almost every day it seems and is still single. As mentioned before, her age, looks etc all come into play and although I could be completely wrong, knowing her pickiness etc, I'd like to think she'll find it very difficult to get what she thinks she wants from there.

 

My focus is on me but it would be a lie to say I don't hope no contact brings her back. If there is any hope it's that after an initial high of being free and single, the crashing reality of not finding the perfect partner kicks in, the loneliness in the evenings kicks in, the feelings of missing me and our great times together kicks in, as well as the ticking clock, and over a period of many weeks/months she mulls things over and initiates contact.

 

It's funny, in one conversation a few weeks back she said something that seems to almost predict that path of behaviour: 'it may be we spend some time apart, I start thinking about things, I haven't...I start missing you and think, yeah, you know what, maybe I should give it another go...'. I posted pretty much that a few weeks back.

 

I took the cut off 'I haven't...' to mean she doesn't meet someone else. It felt like that's what she was going to say but realised it wouldn't sound nice so cut off. So, no point me hanging around otherwise she'll never feel loss, never miss me, and her search could go on indefinitely knowing I'm always there..plus I'd never feel better always hanging on.

 

There are still reasons for her to think about me:

*New Year

*Next week's court case (she brought it up last time, which surprised me that she'd remembered when the rescheduled date was, and I'm sure she'd be curious to know the result)

*Her work will bring her into contact with my children's school sometime in Jan. I can't imagine she won't visit their school for the first time ever and not have thoughts of me.

 

Anyway, I won't be sending a New Year's message, no contact about meeting up middle of January etc, and why should I divulge the childcare arrangements to her? She's not part of my life anymore so if she asks then I 'may' reply along the lines of 'it went well, thanks' but that's it. If there is a plan it's to make her feel loss now. I won't be in her life at all. I know I'm repeating myself but we got on so well, had such great times, had plenty of sex etc that I just don't believe she won't miss all of that at some point and reconsider given enough time alone. I only wish I'd started NC immediately.

 

I plan to heal but I do want her back. All the no contact advice says you have to let go for a chance of that to happen. Hopefully finally I've begun that process.

 

So the next phase is getting on with life. We may never speak again, may never see each other again (scary thought), but what will be will be. If she contacts me I'll be cautious and fathom out whether it's breadcrumbs, checking in etc or whether she genuinely has had a change of heart..That's if she ever does. The key has to be no expectations, which at this point so early on into NC is hard not to have.

[alpha99]

On the face of things, not much has changed in the last few days, but I feel so different. I think it's the realisation that I am letting go. I feel sad. I miss her. There's no real desire to reach out at the moment, just deep sadness at missing someone I love. To this point I'd always thought of the next contact, text, phone call, waiting for the time to pass. Now there's no end date. It's in the lap of the Gods. Ultimately I know this will help me to feel better and move on but man it is hard.

 

I suppose the point is we've already split, now that is really truly sinking in as I ponder a life completely without her in any way. I wonder if she will have such a feeling of sadness and loss at some point down the road?

 

Anyway, the point of this post, hypothetical though it may be, is to ask how you think I should respond to any future contact from her?

 

I see contact either being one of these:

 

Casual, hey, how you doing this stuff.

 

Inquisitive messages, how was the court, new year, talking about my kids' school and her visit etc

 

Emotional, breadcrumbs, missing you, hey stranger, what you up to type messages that may well be as they seem on the surface or could be her reaching out.

 

I know some people advise ignore everything until you get a I want you back style message. I just don't think that's her way. Therefore I have to gauge what would be breadcrumbs and what would be her reaching out, testing the waters with an idea to getting back together.

 

All of this may be irrelevant I know, but I do think she will contact me at some point and so forewarned is forearmed.

 

Your thoughts would be appreciated. Don't get me wrong though, this is just for future knowledge, I'm not banking on anything happen but it's best to be prepared if they do!

[TooRational]

Simple. You want to go NC right? Truthfully? Then tell her as much. When she contacts, you simply kindly ask her not to contact you again because you need a period of NC to heal.

 

That will be very hard to do but there's no way around it (except blocking) if you wanna go NC.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, perhaps she is the type who doesn't actually want a long-term relationship. There are such people out there. They get involved in strings of shorter-term ones, because that's what they're comfortable with. If that's how she is, then you have to just let her be that person. If she's a butterfly-chaser, then this was never going to evolve into something more anyway. She's obviously okay with that.

 

In any event, I feel you need to pay much closer attention to the red flags next time. You knew a year in that she was holding back, and you found she was on the dating site. (she's still on it, so hint: she didn't go on there for innocent reasons while you were together either) Your gut was talking to you before the relationship actually ended. Don't minimize or justify those warnings next time. You will be a lot happier if you develop better boundaries and weed out the women who are not on the same page as you.

 

Also, follow TooRational's advice. If she does contact you for New Year's, you can thank her for the message but let her know you don't wish to be in communication unless it's to talk about reconciliation. You probably won't hear from her again after that, and that is okay - she isn't trying to reconcile with you anyway. I don't think you'd be able to handle any type of casual contact without going into over-drive and picking apart every last detail of what she said, how she said it...all while she is still moving on. You eventually would like to have another girlfriend, no? You won't ever get there so long as you continue to be in touch with your ex.

Edited December 31, 2016 by ExpatInItaly

[alpha99]

Thanks TooRational

 

My fear there is that a) she'll take that as weak, and b) she'll do as I ask and never contact me again.

 

I am going NC but I believe not replying at all would be rude. I know people say breaking your heart was rude but ultimately I want her back, whether I do or whether I heal is a win/win situation, but I certainly wouldn't want to push her away should she make contact.

 

I do also want to guard against being in a cycle of contact but at the same time leave the door open should she wish to make steps towards reconciliation.

 

She's very straight forward in many ways but opening up on an emotional front is hard for her. Sure, saying she doesn't have them was apparently easy enough, but there's a barrier for her when actually speaking about feelings she does have. I don't foresee a 'hey, I made a mistake, want you back' message, more an cursory 'hey, how are you?' type message, in which case I'd be wondering is she just checking in or is this the start of wanting me back?

 

Thank you for your answer though. I do now realise true no contact is in order to feel better. Time and again I've read that any true reconciliation needs you to have recovered from a broken heart first, then we'll see what and if anything happens.

 

Reading blackcat's reconciliation sorry really cheered me up. I suppose I do expect her to contact me at some point. Maybe that will fade in time or maybe come to fruition.

 

The interesting thing is I am self aware enough to realise I have gone through the stages a dumpee feels: shock, denial, pleading, begging, bargaining, acceptance (in no particular order). What's also interesting to me is on the whole from what I've read it seems a dumper follows their own path of relief, guilt, loss, second thoughts, acceptance, moving on etc.

 

She has expressed she feels both relief and guilt to me, the latter being because 'I've really laid it on you' with everything I've got going on. I wonder if she'll follow through on the other commonly felt emotions and things turn round? We have no way of knowing. Some people simply just move on, don't they?

 

She has said she expected to miss me, but given the regular contact, her not having a moment due to work, and as Sweetfish says about it being Xmas, I don't think she's had the chance yet. Maybe when the festive season is over, the cold winter days lead to long, lonely nights, that she begins to miss me...providing I truly follow no contact - and she hasn't met someone else.

 

Anyway, back to me:. I'm going out tonight with friends for the New Year. It should be a good night. I'm looking forward to it.

 

This year has been great in many ways, spending time with her has been fantastic, but the last six months have turned the year sour with everything I've had to endure. I'm sure it would have sunk plenty of other people. I hope the New Year brings a change of fortune for me...and eventually a change of heart in her.

[alpha99]

OP, perhaps she is the type who doesn't actually want a long-term relationship. There are such people out there. They get involved in strings of shorter-term ones, because that's what they're comfortable with. If that's how she is, then you have to just let her be that person. If she's a butterfly-chaser, then this was never going to evolve into something more anyway. She's obviously okay with that.

 

In any event, I feel you need to pay much closer attention to the red flags next time. You knew a year in that she was holding back, and you found she was on the dating site. (she's still on it, so hint: she didn't go on there for innocent reasons while you were together either) Your gut was talking to you before the relationship actually ended. Don't minimize or justify those warnings next time. You will be a lot happier if you develop better boundaries and weed out the women who are not on the same page as you.

 

Also, follow TooRational's advice. If she does contact you for New Year's, you can thank her for the message but let her know you don't wish to be in communication unless it's to talk about reconciliation. You probably won't hear from her again after that, and that is okay - she isn't trying to reconcile with you anyway. I don't think you'd be able to handle any type of casual contact without going into over-drive and picking apart every last detail of what she said, how she said it...all while she is still moving on. You eventually would like to have another girlfriend, no? You won't ever get there so long as you continue to be in touch with your ex.

 

Thank you expat,

 

I believe her that she'd been on the dating site as a one off. Clearly she did have ending the relationship on her mind though. Another thing that springs to mind is I'm sure one time she was googling something on her phone and something like 'men in (her town)' came up as if it was either a predictive text or a previous search. I couldn't be sure because it was momentary but it did cross my mind. Again though, she's always been ultra honest, even as splitting up, so I choose to see the good in her.

 

I think you're right about boundary setting though. I'm weak in that department.

 

If I can't be with her then in time I'd want to be with someone else, but I've not given up hope yet. Maybe that's just foolish of me, probably so, but I still feel love for her and have hope that time apart both heals me and makes her reassess what good thing we had.

[ExpatInItaly]

The bottom line is that the right woman for you won't be so much work. The attraction will come naturally, and it will be mutual. She won't hold back as much as your ex did, and she won't be on a dating site even as a "one-off."

[alpha99]

I guess you're right. What's frustrating is there was mutual attraction. She was all over me early on. I mentioned love first after a maybe 2 months but she said those feelings were on the way, starting to feel them. She was affectionate, bought me gifts, ruffled my hair, touched my leg, held hands etc. She said repeatedly about being best friends. Somewhere along the line that got lost. I think I was too reserved, not masculine enough, she has committment issues, and all my children and marital woes got in the way.

 

I can't change the past but in future I will have learnt some valuable lessons, either with her or with someone else.

[Sweetfish]

I guess you're right. What's frustrating is there was mutual attraction. She was all over me early on. I mentioned love first after a maybe 2 months but she said those feelings were on the way, starting to feel them. She was affectionate, bought me gifts, ruffled my hair, touched my leg, held hands etc. She said repeatedly about being best friends. Somewhere along the line that got lost. I think I was too reserved, not masculine enough, she has committment issues, and all my children and marital woes got in the way.

 

I can't change the past but in future I will have learnt some valuable lessons, either with her or with someone else.

 

If you really want her back do not tell her you need time to "heal"

 

If you want to move on and never want to be with her again tell her "you need time to heal"

 

In essences if you tell a woman stay away from me because you hurt me... she will hold you to it.

 

What people are saying here is recycled mantra's

 

If she contacts you.. just be indifferent, but kind. Always end the conversation. This will keep the door open. If she asked to meet in JAN tell her exactly the same thing she told you... that it might not be a good idea.

 

Let her ALWAY contact you.

 

But expressing you need time to heal means after you heal you will have to be the one to chase her again.

 

People get back together all the time and others dont.

[alpha99]

Hi all,

 

Just a quick update:

 

It's been a few weeks since I've been here. In that time I've really been trying to change my life for the better. Work is going well, I've started a new hobby, reacquainted myself with old friends. I've also unfortunately not slept properly since I split with ex.

 

I've felt generally down and subdued but that's been punctuated with joy and happiness from my children and my new hobby and socialising.

 

Ex wise, things seemed to be going slightly sour about 3 weeks ago as ex felt she wasn't been given the space she wanted basically. Anyway, I realised my approach in communicating wasn't having the desired effect and so I've changed it, and now we're getting on much better.

 

Right now she's happy to get on as friends. I spoke to her last night and we had a great conversation. I've taken all the pressure away from our interactions but have kept the laughing and joking, flirting going...And in small ways she is starting to reciprocate. I'm not getting carried away but things seem to be moving in the right direction.

 

I said I'd call at the weekend and she was fine with that. She explained how if she doesn't always answer she's not ignoring me, she's just busy with work etc. I texted after our chat and she answered straight away.

 

Don't get me wrong, I've not gone all platonic to the point she doesn't feel the need to keep her guard up. Quite the opposite, last night joked about her sending me silly pictures like she used to...To which she laughed. She teased me and I tried to build up sexual tension with it.

 

We talked day to day stuff for quite a while. One key thing I've read recently is about building emotional momentum through calls and meetings etc. Sharing an emotion is a good thing and at times last night we were both on the same page regarding that.

 

Re the friends thing, I have told her directly and in a non needy but masculine way that I love her and miss her and that being friends is fine but want more. For the first time rather than resist this she appeared to acknowledge it. I see how you communicate things is so important, the same message presented in different ways will get a different response.

 

She was even considering us going out this evening but ultimately is going to work instead. She's open to going out soon. I know instead of pressuring her for an answer, date, meet up, I'm learning to take things slow and without stress.

 

To summarise, we've gone very quickly from her considering severing all contact to now being open to texting and calling twice a week with a view to us going out. I am defining things, trying something new, and then looking at the feedback. Each time we speak she asks about how often I see the kids. Speaking to others they seem to think the court outcome re kids in 2 weeks (it was delayed) will be important to her in what happens next. I think I'm seeing signs of that. Others say she won't give any sign of wanting to get back together until she knows spending considerable time together could be an option. Previously for example we never got to spend Saturdays together. I've cut down the online checking but still have occasionally. I'm trying to let go of things I can't control.

 

Divorce will be started on Monday. Kids sorted in court in 2 weeks.

I really enjoyed our call last night and do feel it's possible to win her back. She's stubborn and it's going to take time but I'm up for the task.

For the first time ever last night I felt I was myself with her.

 

So what's next? Call at the weekend, text about related things to our chat, not random how are you stuff, arrange a meet up as 'friends', laugh joke flirt etc, be fully!Y myself, repeat and see how we progress...That's the plan...

 

For me, I think NC is only going to happen should she meet someone else. She hasn't yet and so I plan to win her back still!

[TooRational]

Sigh... I see so much effort and energy that could be channeled elsewhere. For someone who couldn't even say ILY after one year? I'm sorry to be blunt but I just don't see how she's worthy of your time and attention. A relationship where both partners love each other is so much more fulfilling.

 

I've personally recently met an awesome woman after 6 months of NC with my ex and life couldn't be better for me right now. This new woman is so much better than my ex in so many ways (even though, like you, I thought my ex couldn't be surpassed). The most obvious difference is that my new girlfriend is very openly in love with me and doesn't hold back her feelings. I can also shower her with love without fear of smothering her (to a point, obviously). We are both very open with our feelings with each other and it's wonderful.

 

I would have never met her if I kept chasing my uninterested (or maybe, could be, perhaps in the distant future, be interested, let's try to be friends for now) ex.

 

I'm not saying that my situation is exactly like yours. But what I'm telling you is that I'm almost positive that there's a woman out there with whom you'd be more happy and fulfilled than with your ex, even if you managed to get your ex back.

 

Good luck.

[Sweetfish]

This is absolutely what i didn't want to hear. The point of N.C. is to take the sadness of a relationship that failed and use that energy to better your self and slowly shift the energy from trying to get the EX back to putting self value into your self. Its like going from breast feeding, to a bottle, to drinking on your own (pick your adult beverage)

 

Your totally getting sucked into the relationship guides and systematic process of escalting and massaging the relationship back to where it was....

 

I've NEVER seen this happen!

 

 

You are friend-zoning your self. The minute the right guy comes by your absolute off the radar unless the guy is a jerk and something tells me she is not dumb enough to find a jerk... she seems pretty selective.

 

You don't need anything special to get her back.

 

You improve your self.

She either comes back or not!

 

So simple and easy. No tricks, no games, no nothing.

 

You look at all the problems in the last relationship... you fix your errors.

 

You workout.

 

Get some new clothes... what ever.

 

Treat your self.. put good **** in your body like berries and nuts.

 

Help out the community.. donate clothes.. give your old PS2 or xbox to a kid in need.

 

 

 

Now give her time to think.. if she loved you... SHE WILL BE BACK. Her coming back is depending on how awesome you were in the relationship.

 

Its not that hard guys...

[alpha99]

Thanks for your answers.

 

I appreciate your thoughts and expected the kind of replies you gave. That's no criticism because you've been very helpful and supportive to me.

 

Firstly, you may well be right. She may well meet someone else and that's that. I've read many times however of people taking X months to get back together and it only being 2.5 months isn't that long to just let go.

 

I still feel down at times but it's getting better. Just back from the gym, texting another girl, been to the cinema with yet another girl recently, out tomorrow with friends, and Friday too, made some new friends and as I said before new hobbies.

 

I'm not ready for another relationship yet.

 

I won't be till I've done everything I can.

 

My posts on here are a mere snapshot of the relationship I had with my ex. On the whole she made me very happy. I could have that with someone else, I know. Congrats toorational on things working out.

 

Maybe it's the gym but tonight I feel good.

 

I feel positive about the future, my future.

 

I feel my ex has a barrier that I've been unable to get over but should I unlock it the love will come flowing out. She's a closed off person, but lovely too.

 

Maybe it's cos Im at the point where I have no expectations but I am finally being myself with her after all the over politeness, walking on eggshells of the past. I know givenhalf a chance over time we can work things out.

 

I'm not playing any games. I've been upfront with her in how I feel. If anything just trying to gauge the pace of things right so I don't add too much pressure too soon or drag my feet and move too slowly.

 

Since I want her back I see more communication, better quality communication, her opening up more to me as being a positive.

 

I'm not being a friend with her. That's just a label she can use if she likes. I'm being flirty, suggestive, teasing etc and seeing if that works. The signs are it may be. If not then pretty quickly I'll know there's nothing more I can do and move on.

 

For now any advice on tailoring what I'm doing would!D be fantastic.

 

Having no plan or expectations is good but here's an overview of what id like to see happen:

 

A week or two of escalating text and phone call contact.

Her initiating some contact

Arranging to meet up

That going well, followed by more calls and texts to arrange further meet ups

Escalate flirting, laughter, touch to rekindle feelings.

[Sweetfish]

Thanks for your answers.

 

I appreciate your thoughts and expected the kind of replies you gave. That's no criticism because you've been very helpful and supportive to me.

 

Firstly, you may well be right. She may well meet someone else and that's that. I've read many times however of people taking X months to get back together and it only being 2.5 months isn't that long to just let go.

 

I still feel down at times but it's getting better. Just back from the gym, texting another girl, been to the cinema with yet another girl recently, out tomorrow with friends, and Friday too, made some new friends and as I said before new hobbies.

 

I'm not ready for another relationship yet.

 

I won't be till I've done everything I can.

 

My posts on here are a mere snapshot of the relationship I had with my ex. On the whole she made me very happy. I could have that with someone else, I know. Congrats toorational on things working out.

 

Maybe it's the gym but tonight I feel good.

 

I feel positive about the future, my future.

 

I feel my ex has a barrier that I've been unable to get over but should I unlock it the love will come flowing out. She's a closed off person, but lovely too.

 

Maybe it's cos Im at the point where I have no expectations but I am finally being myself with her after all the over politeness, walking on eggshells of the past. I know givenhalf a chance over time we can work things out.

 

I'm not playing any games. I've been upfront with her in how I feel. If anything just trying to gauge the pace of things right so I don't add too much pressure too soon or drag my feet and move too slowly.

 

Since I want her back I see more communication, better quality communication, her opening up more to me as being a positive.

 

I'm not being a friend with her. That's just a label she can use if she likes. I'm being flirty, suggestive, teasing etc and seeing if that works. The signs are it may be. If not then pretty quickly I'll know there's nothing more I can do and move on.

 

For now any advice on tailoring what I'm doing would!D be fantastic.

 

Having no plan or expectations is good but here's an overview of what id like to see happen:

 

A week or two of escalating text and phone call contact.

Her initiating some contact

Arranging to meet up

That going well, followed by more calls and texts to arrange further meet ups

Escalate flirting, laughter, touch to rekindle feelings.

 

Trust me im on your side and it takes months to realize what you've lost and if she can get what she needs from you... if she can be happy and content with you just being their... your just powdered milk sitting on a shelf.

 

The teasing and flirting will just be part of your persona as a friend and only a friend. Just because you call it something else.. doesnt change the fact that you are still just a friend.. that ex that hangs around and she dictates when you can see her and when you can talk to her. She is pulling all the shots. There is no power shift back to you.

 

Its just hard to read and your totally under her spell. She can easily just feel sorry for you and will never tell you. The dating sites... they got you.. clinging to hope.

 

Your trapped in a world that you need to fight for love. Your trapped in hollywood and media. Romance her... seduce her.. what a slippery slope.

 

But if you think the route your going will work... i support you... but your setting your self up for more pain

[ExpatInItaly]

So, essentially nothing has changed. I mean that with all due respect, OP.

 

You are still trying to calculate and manufacture feelings that she just doesn't have for you.

 

Why are you doing this to yourself?

[alpha99]

Thanks for all answers...

 

I guess I'm doing it because I still love her. If there was a switch to turn feelings off and move on I'd use it. You may say NC is just that but I'm not at a stage to just simply let go, is the honest answer.

 

I'm not in unending pain etc. I get down at times. I'm sure still early into a split most people are...Look at the messages on here.

 

I'm not game playing, manipulating etc. I'm trying to learn, grow, and be a better person all the while trying to win her back. I do have a strategy. I think that's better than blindly bumbling along. I've been honest and upfront with her. Friends, yes, but I want more. Last conversation showed quite an upturn in relations.

 

Not to make a special case for me and circumstances but I doubt most people who split haven't gone through being assaulted, denied access to kids, unsure of their home ownership, custody battles, police involvement, divorce considerations etc. No excuses. Simply it affected me. It all coincides with her rethinking things. It's getting sorted. I'm coming to out from under a cloud. I was always a good guy but not able give myself fully.

 

I simply believe time spent with her would mean I'd attract her and we'd go from there. She'd hinted at all the stuff she wanted...With me.

 

I understand most of the Net is pro NC, move on etc. Sure, it would heal me quicker but I just don't think it would help get what I want-her.

 

I've chosen this path and I'll take the consequences, broken heart and all. I believe the payoff, however remote it's potential, would be worth it.

 

It's not forever. Now I've cleared my head I want a chance to reattract her. I know people!Remove got back together through far worse, so I want a shot.

 

I appreciate all Your replies. I'd appreciate some positivity on steps to take next in line with y 'plan'

[springy]

Well, I have no idea how to get her to initiate contact. She still has not done that? She declined an opportunity to hang out with you, to work instead - even though she "promised" a meetup in mid January. That does not seem to bode well for your plan. I think I said before that this woman seems to have her head on straight and knows what she wants and how she feels or doesn't feel. I think she genuinely likes you as a friend though.

 

Were you nc from your last post to yesterday?

 

How long do you plan to keep going with this, if you don't get the results you want?

[alpha99]

At times I've contacted her, she missed my call or text, and at a later point called or texted me back. Not initiating I know but she is open to regular contact.

 

Yeah, right now she's happy to be friends. She's said we're best friends in the past. I think she's skeptical of my sudden changes, plus holding off on the meet up for fixes with custody arrangements at court being delayed. I think that's a big thing for her. She asks about it each time we speak.

 

Had contact roughly once a week but that's increased this last week and she's fine with that.

 

I plan to go on until either I've given it my all or she's in a committed relationship. I think feelings take time. You're right, she knows what she wants. I think we had a great relationship but it needs the icing on the cake.

 

I'm not putting my life on hold. Just got back from evening out with friends. Just working on this on the back burner, even if I think a lot about it.

 

Thanks for the positive message.

 

Im going to text her tomorrow, call her over the weekend and try and arrange a meet up for next week. The last meet up came too soon I think. I was a mess. This time I'm in control of my emotions and believe we'd have a great time together with me being an improved version of myself which would set her thinking. That's the plan.

 

Edit: re her working instead of meeting up, I asked her pretty last minute and she had plans already - fair enough. She said I'm sure we'll meet up soon.

 

She may well meet someone else to tomorrow, next week, whenever. I may get hit by a bus in 5 minutes. Life is unpredictable. Therefore I believe feelings can change, and since I love her so much I plan to do just that

Edited January 26, 2017 by alpha99

[Sweetfish]

At times I've contacted her, she missed my call or text, and at a later point called or texted me back. Not initiating I know but she is open to regular contact.

 

Yeah, right now she's happy to be friends. She's said we're best friends in the past. I think she's skeptical of my sudden changes, plus holding off on the meet up for fixes with custody arrangements at court being delayed. I think that's a big thing for her. She asks about it each time we speak.

 

Had contact roughly once a week but that's increased this last week and she's fine with that.

 

I plan to go on until either I've given it my all or she's in a committed relationship. I think feelings take time. You're right, she knows what she wants. I think we had a great relationship but it needs the icing on the cake.

 

I'm not putting my life on hold. Just got back from evening out with friends. Just working on this on the back burner, even if I think a lot about it.

 

Thanks for the positive message.

 

Im going to text her tomorrow, call her over the weekend and try and arrange a meet up for next week. The last meet up came too soon I think. I was a mess. This time I'm in control of my emotions and believe we'd have a great time together with me being an improved version of myself which would set her thinking. That's the plan.

 

Edit: re her working instead of meeting up, I asked her pretty last minute and she had plans already - fair enough. She said I'm sure we'll meet up soon.

 

She may well meet someone else to tomorrow, next week, whenever. I may get hit by a bus in 5 minutes. Life is unpredictable. Therefore I believe feelings can change, and since I love her so much I plan to do just that

 

Bottom line....

No matter what you say...

You can see she from what you wrote that she is trying not to hurt your feelings.

 

And your confusing it with progress. No one is telling you to shut down your feelings. Women who care for a man and interested in man, doesn't coddle him when she misses a text or call. This is not progress.. this is her walking on eggshells.

[alpha99]

Just a quickie,

 

Divorce is underway.

Seen solicitor about custody hearing feeling good about that.

 

Now speaking twice a week with ex with a little texting thrown in. She's happy to chat at length and we're making plans to meet up shortly.

 

Hitting the gym every day and recently my body shape has changed dramatically - I'm looking great - now with muscle!

 

Emotions are 99% fine blocking out negative thoughts and making progress in life.

 

All in all life is good all things considering. Out last night with friends, out tonight, and probably tomorrow doing various activities.

 

I'm living life and working on getting ex back as an aside now. Ex beginning to tease me back ever so slightly in recent call. May be wrong but I feel there's progress.

 

If we get to a meet up I'd like to think we'd end up at least making out again... And go from there

 

I think she'll be pleasantly surprised by my body transformation!!!!