ticmu Posted July 16, 2016 Share Posted July 16, 2016 I’m with the love of my life, I adore him. but 1 year into our 3 ½ yr relationship he declared that we’d stop having sex until we got married (he’s Christian). Fine, I respect that, but it’s been 2 ½ years now and he hasn’t gotten his act together. 2 years of a loving relationship without any sex is pretty hard. He has a fair few half-reasonable excuses, but nothing really stopping him. I’ve let him know very clearly that I’m sick of having to suppress my desires for him for so long. I went through alternate spells of feeling utterly asexual and fantasising about other men. But I was never going to do anything. Then yesterday an old uni friend I hadn’t seen in ages invited me to a pub near his home (I initially thought there’d be loads of us…ended up just me and him). We got really drunk (I was much drunker than he was), I found myself going back to his house, then up to his room. It didn’t seem weird at first; I’ve been there loads of times and there’s never been anything between us before. Then he started to seduce me. An hour in, I kissed him. three hours in, I eventually gave in and we had crazy amazing drunken sex. after 2 yrs it felt like a sexual reawakening; weirdly enough, throughout I was thinking of my boyfriend. But in a good way. Sexual deprivation is no excuse, but I know for a fact that I wouldn’t have cheated otherwise But still, cheating’s awful. I don’t know whether to tell him. Reasons not to tell him (?): -we had trust issues early on; when I started seeing current SO I was still in an abusive relationship from which it was really hard to escape. Current SO knew the situation, but still, it hurt him, damaged his self esteem, his trust in me, and it took a lot of work to get over it. - some say don’t confess unless cheating becomes a regular habit (it isn’t), because it can only cause pain. Reasons to tell him (?): -What upset him the most at the beginning was the thought of me doing things with my ex and not telling him. is that in itself a reason to tell him, or was it just his way of dealing with a desperate sense of lacking control? I remember having this weird convo with him where he said if we ever cheat on each other we have to tell each other. Openness and honesty are top priority for him. He gets home from work in a few hours. It’s tonight or never. Please help. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 16, 2016 Share Posted July 16, 2016 OP, you stated that the relationship has been sexless for the last 2 years and you don't see him getting his act together. I assume this means he's not planning on making a bigger commitment any time soon. Obviously, you feel unsatisfied with the status of the relationship. You say you're sick of having to suppress your desires but he doesn't seem to want to meet you half-way. To me, the risk seems high that you will cheat again. Honestly, I think you need to end it with your boyfriend. You might get along fine otherwise, but going from a sexual relationship to a sexless relationship would not work for me. It appears it doesn't work for you, either. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ticmu Posted July 16, 2016 Author Share Posted July 16, 2016 thanks for your points, expat I really hope I can salvage something without breaking up with him, though. Really, apart from the weird sex ban, I've never been happier with anyone. To be fair it's not a total sex ban. we're allowed to do anything but actual sex. But I've made it clear that I'm not happy with this maybe confessing would drive home how desperate I am. But it would be so hurtful to make him feel like it's partly his fault Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 16, 2016 Share Posted July 16, 2016 thanks for your points, expat I really hope I can salvage something without breaking up with him, though. Really, apart from the weird sex ban, I've never been happier with anyone. To be fair it's not a total sex ban. we're allowed to do anything but actual sex. But I've made it clear that I'm not happy with this maybe confessing would drive home how desperate I am. But it would be so hurtful to make him feel like it's partly his fault He has said there will be no sex again until marriage. Are you planning on getting married? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ticmu Posted July 16, 2016 Author Share Posted July 16, 2016 he's the religious one so he's the one supposed to be organising it...he's said he can't promise it for another few months. I don't quite understand the situation but his family don't seem to be behind it. yeah, it's a weird one I know. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 16, 2016 Share Posted July 16, 2016 he's the religious one so he's the one supposed to be organising it...he's said he can't promise it for another few months. I don't quite understand the situation but his family don't seem to be behind it. yeah, it's a weird one I know. To me it seems odd that you don't understand the situation, given how long you've been together. Is he dodging your questions or changing the topic when you ask? You've been a couple long enough that you should understand something like this. You're one half of the couple so have a right to know where his mind is at. There appears to be a big gap in communication. I believe you are at a high risk to cheat again, given that you are clearly unhappy about the lack of sex in your relationship and your boyfriend doesn't appear to want to make any changes there. Sexual compatibility is a big part of a romantic relationship, I believe. You two are not sexually compatible anymore. I would take responsibility and be honest with him and tell him what happened. Then he can make an informed decision about whether or not he wants to end the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted July 16, 2016 Share Posted July 16, 2016 OP, you need to tell your BF the truth. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted July 16, 2016 Share Posted July 16, 2016 Christ, just tell him and let him decide whether he wants to be in a relation ship with you. You could have done anything, broken up, given him an ultimatum, whatever. You did NOT have to cheat. Drunk or not you made the decision. Just tell him and leave it in his hands. Link to post Share on other sites
Poutrew Posted July 16, 2016 Share Posted July 16, 2016 Well, if he's a super puritanical religious type, you are now 'unclean'. You have failed the test and have the spoor of another man about you. In other words, you are a heathen woman, given over to sinful lusts, and of a weak countenance... expect him to break up with you. You need to tell him, because if you marry this guy and he then finds out, you can expect hell to be unleashed upon you. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted July 16, 2016 Share Posted July 16, 2016 i feel you really need to be honest....whether you were drunk or not....you had sex with someone else....you made the choice....your bf didnt have a choice.....but you need to give him that choice now...whether or not he still wants to be wit you after the fact....isnt up to you ..... and if you are truly remorseful and regret the thing you did......you would want and need to come clean about it then allow him to make the choice on the status of your relationship...if anything it will bring up a communication about why you feel you cheated and what needs to be fixed for it not to happen again...and that may be ...not being together...theres consequences for all we do...its better to be open and honest....then the consequences actually make a difference...deb Link to post Share on other sites
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