Complicated relationship. Fear of drifting apart. ?

[batjokes92]

I have this dear friend who I met online a year ago. We became close because he knew I was lonely and having boy troubles. He told me he was having troubles with his girlfriend at the time too. We relied on each other for emotional support. One night over Skype he confessed that he loved me, but he followed it up with "I love and care for you the way a mentor loves and cares for his ward. It's a healthy mixture of proportions like, a little bit of fathers love, a little bit of friends love and a little bit of man's love. My girlfriend won't understand that. That's why I ask that you keep our friendship a secret." This confused me but I accepted and I told him the feelings were mutual.

 

He was living in Poland at the time and I live in Canada. He would start chats with me over Skype every night, He became my best friend. One night he told me his girlfriend (who lives in Florida) broke up with him. He was in crisis and threatening to kill himself. I managed to talk him out of it. This happened maybe 7 months ago. After they had broken up we became even closer. He would flirt with me a lot and I started to develop real loving feelings for him but he was still trying to get his ex back so I didn't confess. I thought it would be best if we remained just friends.

 

One night, maybe 6 months ago he told me that he would be moving to the UK to live with roommates. He told me that he sees potential in me as a romantic partner and would like me to come and visit him once he's moved there! We even spoke about one day becoming roommates!

 

Then one night he blocked me over Skype then unblocked me. I asked him why. I guess he told his ex about me and she got upset with him. She told him that he goes after lonely girls so that he can emotionally manipulate them into loving him and if he keeps it up with me they will be over for good. He showed me the transcription of their Skype conversation. She seemed really angry with him and VERY resentful towards me. She told him that one day I will confess my love for him and it will prove her right! He told me that he added me back because he promised to always be there for me.

 

A week went by and I didn't talk to him because I didn't want to come between him and getting his ex back. But one night he asked me "why don't you talk to me anymore?" I told him I thought he didn't want me to talk to him but he told me that wasn't the case. After that things between us went back to normal and I found myself falling even more in love with him. But I never confessed my feelings because I didn't want to prove his ex gf right. A few months after that he finally moved to the UK and he stopped talking with me. I think it's because he's made new friends and he no longer needs me... We talk once in awhile but it's not like it used to be.. And when we would talk he would just be crying to me about his ex gf and how much he loved and missed her. And when I was in crisis he would not answer me for days. I did a bad thing. I tried to make him jealous by telling him that I had sex with someone. I thought that he would understand but he got very upset with me and he didn't talk to me for almost a month. I apologized to him and told him that I was wrong for trying to make him jealous. He replied with "as long as he didn't hurt you. That's all that matters to me." But now, he rarely if ever starts chats with me. I feel like I've broken our friendship.

 

Are things over between us? How can I make things right again? I love him dearly, I've never had a boyfriend before and he knows that.. I'm afraid to talk to him now because I know I hurt him. I'm sorry for the long story. I tried to make it as short as possible. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Edited July 16, 2016 by batjokes92

[ExpatInItaly]

Girl, keep this guy out of your life.

 

His ex is bang-on about him; he is manipulative. He used you for attention and emotional support, and then faded away when you no longer served his purpose. That is not how friends treat each other. Thus, you did not break a friendship, as it wasn't much of a friendship to begin with.

 

He sounds like a creep - who tells someone they love them a way a mentor loves his ward? What the eff is that? That right there should have told you about his level of respect for you. I would have laughed at any man with the stones to say something like that to me.

 

Look, I know you're hurting but you are way better off not getting attached to a guy like this. You don't owe him an apology for saying you slept with someone. Do you really think he hasn't slept with someone since he started talking to you? You're single and free to do whatever you like. Don't ever sacrifice a real social life for an online buddy halfway around the world. You will notice he is living his life offline; you should be doing the same.

 

In the future, don't get caught up with internet strangers. I see so many people on this forum who create these relationship scenarios in their heads when they've never even laid eyes on the person in real life. It's not healthy and will prevent you from actually getting out there and meeting a nice guy you can spend time with. Keep internet buddies just as chat friends. They're not boyfriends.

[batjokes92]

I think he said he loved me like a mentor because he's a few years older than me and much more intelligent than I am. It makes sense in the context of our relationship.

 

Yes it hurts because he was my best friend, and dare I say the only friend I had for an entire year. When he was living alone with his mother in Poland we were very close and talked every night. Then suddenly he moved to UK and he no longer seems interested in me. He says it's because he is busy and has low self esteem so he rarely starts chats with people, but this makes no sense because he used to start chats with me every night. I don't know how to "get out there" and find a local guy. Every "local guy" I've met has used me for sex and abandoned me. I have extreme social anxiety and physically shake when I am out on a date with someone. I am attached to this guy because he was the only man who ever told me he loved me. So, I appreciate your advice on dropping this guy. I will do it but it won't make things better.

Edited July 18, 2016 by batjokes92

[ExpatInItaly]

I think he said he loved me like a mentor because he's a few years older than me and much more intelligent than I am. It makes sense in the context of our relationship.

 

Yes it hurts because he was my best friend, and dare I say the only friend I had for an entire year. When he was living alone with his mother in Poland we were very close and talked every night. Then suddenly he moved to UK and he no longer seems interested in me. He says it's because he is busy and has low self esteem so he rarely starts chats with people, but this makes no sense because he used to start chats with me every night. I don't know how to "get out there" and find a local guy. Every "local guy" I've met has used me for sex and abandoned me. I have extreme social anxiety and physically shake when I am out on a date with someone. I am attached to this guy because he was the only man who ever told me he loved me. So, I appreciate your advice on dropping this guy. I will do it but it won't make things better.

 

Yes, it will make things better.

 

Look how hurt you are right now. Cutting the source of that hurt out of your life can only serve to benefit you.

 

The best possible thing you can do is start investing your emotional energy into yourself. Address the social anxiety head-on, whether through personal or professionally-guided work. Some guy on the other side of the world whom you've never met is not going to help your situation.

 

It doesn't matter how old or "intelligent" this guy is (and I seriously doubt he's as smart as he thinks he is, based on your description of him!) He doesn't respect you as a friend. You very much need to work on cutting him out of your life or you risk further damage to your well-being.

[batjokes92]

Yes, it will make things better.

 

Look how hurt you are right now. Cutting the source of that hurt out of your life can only serve to benefit you.

 

The best possible thing you can do is start investing your emotional energy into yourself. Address the social anxiety head-on, whether through personal or professionally-guided work. Some guy on the other side of the world whom you've never met is not going to help your situation.

 

It doesn't matter how old or "intelligent" this guy is (and I seriously doubt he's as smart as he thinks he is, based on your description of him!) He doesn't respect you as a friend. You very much need to work on cutting him out of your life or you risk further damage to your well-being.

 

It's not so easy. This person has been a part of my life for over a year now. I have lost close friends since we began to talk (not his fault) and he was the only real emotional support I had for several months. He would talk to me everyday, it was almost like we were dating. I've stopped talking to him for a month now but we still have eachother on Facebook and Skype. I notice that he appears online whenever I am online on skype too. I think he wants me to talk to him..

 

He once told me that he maintains few friendships because he has aspurgers. When I told him that wasn't really a problem he said "it is a problem because I am so afraid that someday I will hurt you with my words without any bad intentions on my end."

 

I want to talk to him. I'm trying to forget him but nothing works. I'm even trying to date local guys but nothing compares and I honestly can't stand the thought of being with anyone else right now. I am much more interested in thinking about 'what I should say in my next text to him'. And I'm afraid that if I wait too long he Might start to ignore me.

Edited August 7, 2016 by batjokes92

[ExpatInItaly]

You need to work on your self-image and self-worth. This guy, based on your description, does not feel the same way about you. Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like you have much else going on in your life and he has become your world, in a way. That's never healthy, because then you depend too much on what he thinks of you. You're using him like a measuring stick of your own value. He is not stable and talking every day is not the same as dating.

 

Keep dating around. Believe me when I say there are far better options out there than some random guy on the internet. He isn't all that, OP. How can you possibly say "nothing compares" when you never even went on a date with this guy? You have no idea what he is like to date because, well, you have never had a date with him.

 

Look, a man with a serious interest in you will act interested. They won't play silly games. They won't make you feel you're beneath them. They won't manipulate you the way this one does. Men who care don't behave that way. He doesn't care - it's up to you to finally acknowledge your own worth and quit hanging around for some guy who is dating other girls in real life.

[batjokes92]

You need to work on your self-image and self-worth. This guy, based on your description, does not feel the same way about you. Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like you have much else going on in your life and he has become your world, in a way. That's never healthy, because then you depend too much on what he thinks of you. You're using him like a measuring stick of your own value. He is not stable and talking every day is not the same as dating.

 

Keep dating around. Believe me when I say there are far better options out there than some random guy on the internet. He isn't all that, OP. How can you possibly say "nothing compares" when you never even went on a date with this guy? You have no idea what he is like to date because, well, you have never had a date with him.

 

Look, a man with a serious interest in you will act interested. They won't play silly games. They won't make you feel you're beneath them. They won't manipulate you the way this one does. Men who care don't behave that way. He doesn't care - it's up to you to finally acknowledge your own worth and quit hanging around for some guy who is dating other girls in real life.

 

This morning he posted the following on his Facebook timeline:

"Stays away and minds his own business, is quiet, is lonely, helps when he's asked for, doesn't disappoint, unintentionally hears some ridiculous **** about himself, ..., what the flying f***? #suicidalaf #ineedhelp..."

 

I was worried for him so I messeged him on skype and asked if he was ok. He replied "nah" an hour later. I was at work so I couldn't reply to him right away. I waited until I got home, I asked him "what happened? I'm here if you need someone to talk to." And I got no response. It really sucks when someone who seduces you into loving him plays games with you like this.

 

I realize that things will never work out between me and him as long as he continues to be so emotionally unstable and manipulative. To be honest, I feel rather uncomfortable talking to him now, I'd like to keep him as a simple "chat friend" but apparently I'm not even a friend to this guy anymore. When I say that "nothing compares" I mean that I have never met a guy who I share so many common interests with. He helped me move on from a past heartbreak, during that time he was very supportive. He is also very unique and interiguing to me in a way that no other guy has been before. What really sucks is that this was the only person who seemed to really have an interest in me up until a few months ago when he decided to move to the UK.

 

You are right, I don't have much else going on in my life right now, but I don't know what to do about it. I have two jobs which doesn't leave much time for a social life. You say "date around" but I don't get a lot of dates, in fact, the last time I was out on a date was an entire year ago and it ended badly. Since then my mom just recently set me up with this guy who is 4 years younger than me and lives an hour away. We went on a date but we have nothing in common and I'm just not feeling it with him. Is this bad? I can't force myself to date someone I feel no attraction to but beggars can't be choosers in this situation can they?

Edited August 11, 2016 by batjokes92

[ExpatInItaly]

You need to build a better social life for yourself. Of course you won't get dates if you're not actually out and interacting with people. What are you doing to improve your chances of meeting someone?

 

Forget this other guy. You're right, he's not your friend. He sounds very juvenile and it evidently wasn't your attention he was looking for with his sad-sack FB posts. You need to realize he's probably got others girls he's talking to, too. Why you would want to try to continue a friendship of any kind with someone as clearly immature as he is, boggles the mind.

 

Block him on FB. You will never really let go o him if you don't, and sooner or later you will see something that really hurts you.

[stillafool]

I

 

Yes it hurts because he was my best friend, and dare I say the only friend I had for an entire year.

 

How can someone you've never met be your best friend? It doesn't make sense. Why do you not have friends in Canada? You need to get out and make friends in your real life. I'm noticing this a lot with young people - they don't have friends. People usually find friends in their youth and lose more as they grow older. What's going on here?

[batjokes92]

How can someone you've never met be your best friend? It doesn't make sense. Why do you not have friends in Canada? You need to get out and make friends in your real life. I'm noticing this a lot with young people - they don't have friends. People usually find friends in their youth and lose more as they grow older. What's going on here?

 

I actually had a lot of friends about a year ago. I lost most of them due to a break up that happened within the friend group. The boys left the girls and the girls didn't want anything to do with me anymore. Everyone drifted apart. The only 2 friends that remain loyal are moving away to a bigger city this September. So I have to start all over with this whole "making friends" thing. I don't know how to begin.

Edited August 11, 2016 by batjokes92

[justwhoiam]

I'll be brutally honest with you. If he's from Poland and you're Canadian, he was brushing up his English before going to the UK.

 

The American girlfriend might have served the same purpose in some way... and actually, have they ever met? Because you didn't mention them seeing each other.

 

I think you should cut him off. If anything, you were his mentor, improving his English.

[batjokes92]

You need to build a better social life for yourself. Of course you won't get dates if you're not actually out and interacting with people. What are you doing to improve your chances of meeting someone?

 

Forget this other guy. You're right, he's not your friend. He sounds very juvenile and it evidently wasn't your attention he was looking for with his sad-sack FB posts. You need to realize he's probably got others girls he's talking to, too. Why you would want to try to continue a friendship of any kind with someone as clearly immature as he is, boggles the mind.

 

Block him on FB. You will never really let go o him if you don't, and sooner or later you will see something that really hurts you.

 

So he eventually responded to me regarding his Facebook status. He said "I don't know for how long I'll be able to handle this country, stress, lonliness and discrimination. I am so scared. I sleep with a belt hanging on the frame of my bed right behind my head in case I decide to suffocate myself in the middle of the night." I panicked! I tired to help him. I told him to remain calm but he replied "I try... I try so hard. I am alone Meg. I am completely alone." I told him he needs to be strong. I reminded him of what I felt for him, how he helped me become a stronger person. I told him he needs to be proud of himself for all the progress he has made in moving to a new contry. He replied "I did it all for the one I love. I will never cure myself, I will never stop desiring her. I am alone... Lonely, there is no one to hold me, no one to talk to me." I told him I was here to talk to. He replied "I am getting sick and my mind is wandering to dark places. Right now I am afraid I woul hurt you. I am a disgusting pervert and It's better that you are far away from me." He told me he has thoughts of kidnapping someone just to talk to them then rape them! He says he thinks he's a danger to me. I told him it's not dangerous if we just talk and he replied "I feel like even talking is dangerous" and the conversation ended.

 

I can tell he is ok now, he is still appearing online of Skype and FB. I try to talk with him, he will seem interested for a few minutes then he will completely stop responding after a small exchange while still spearing online. I know it's ****ing stupid to keep him in my heart but it's in my nature to care for lonely people like him. I want to help him get better. I hate to hear he is suicidal in a country all alone. I can't block him. It would be too much pain for me to never hear for him again.

 

Sorry for being dramatic. I just need to share this with someone. I can't handle this on my own.

[batjokes92]

I'll be brutally honest with you. If he's from Poland and you're Canadian, he was brushing up his English before going to the UK.

 

The American girlfriend might have served the same purpose in some way... and actually, have they ever met? Because you didn't mention them seeing each other.

 

I think you should cut him off. If anything, you were his mentor, improving his English.

 

His English is very good actually, I would argue that it's better than mine. And yes he did meet his ex in real life. They met in Paris and spent a week together but I think that was their only meeting.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, this man isn't a lonely and broken soul who needs you to rescue him.

 

He is a seriously disturbed, manipulative and potential very dangerous individual. He talks of kidnapping and raping someone and you sit there wondering how you can help him?

 

You can't. You are nowhere near qualified to do so. You really need to examine your own judgement and life choices - it's very troubling you want to be in his life at all after this. Most women would alert the nearest police station about his musings - and yes, they are that serious.

 

You have no idea what you're getting into here. Imagine he actually does hurt someone and authorities discover you had knowledge of his intentions and did nothing about it. (Remember, what's been said online can always be retrieved) You are playing with fire by continuing any type of communication with him.

 

He is a sick person and when he tells you he is a danger to you, you need to believe him. A deranged man like this is just looking for a naive girl like you. You, unfortunately, are a very easy target and he knows it.

Edited August 21, 2016 by ExpatInItaly