Is silent treatment abuse?

[Love2015]

So this is my story... which I have said before in other posts..

Together 7 years, lived 4 married ...within 7 months discovered he cheated...fast forward he had started talking to that girl non stop since 3 months into marriage. When discovered, he picked up left to live with her and when I met him after 2 weeks (runaway husband) ...he says I was emotionally abusive, and controlled him and treated him badly....I wanted to save marriage...told him lets go for Counselling and he didn't want to ...continued living with her.

 

Fast forward today...9 months later. I filed divorce and it was granted. We have a property together and I am trying to sell it. When I try to work on property stuff...he says ...I was abusive and he wanted a life with me and truly loved me but I didn't love or respect him....He has done this for 9 months ...stalling...silent treatment...etc etc....

Now , I feel mentally abused. Lies ..deception...betrayal....being treated like a pariah...not only by him but also by my in laws and his brother and sister! I had sponsored them to come to this country for the wedding...and as soon as he left...and I did not even know where he was...they DID NOT EVEN pick up my phone calls!

 

On top, now his sister and brother have added the OW on their Facebook and deleted me....no I have not been abusive. I have talked to Counsellor and looked into it ..cause I have been traumatized....

 

Can someone explain what happened? Cause at some point after he cheated...and all is out in the open why not just cut the crap!

[anika99]

Giving the silent treatment while married is certainly emotionally abusive, so is cheating. If he just started giving you the silent treatment after the divorce then I'm not sure I would call that abusive as you two are no longer in a relationship. I'd say he's being childish and avoiding taking responsibility for settling the property stuff. Sounds like you're better off without him and his family. I'm sorry he hurt you.

[Tayla]

There is currently no law or court cases where remaining silent is deemed abusive.

 

He left. you filed. The rest is up to the system to grant dissolution or stall til a settlement can be ascertained.

[spiderowl]

Not cooperating at all when you are trying to divorce and make arrangements sounds more passive aggressive. I have no doubt it is quite common though as separation and divorce triggers all kinds of feelings. If you find he won't cooperate at crucial points, then it would be best to consult a lawyer. I don't know the legal situation but I doubt he can stall for ever without falling foul of some law himself.

[turnera]

What happened was you stopped playing the act his family wanted you to play, so you were kicked out.

 

So what?

 

You're better off without the lot.

[bubbaganoosh]

Consider yourself lucky that you don't have to deal with them if you don't have to. Remember blood is thicker than water.

[Ilovemylabradors]

What I'm taking from your post is this: he feels ****ty about everything he has done so now he is trying to turn it back onto you, making you feel guilty and as though it was your fault because he doesn't want to blame himself. It's easier to blame you. People who do this have very low emotional intelligence. Cut all contact with him as soon as you possibly can. Rant and rave to friends. Exercise. Start to feel good about YOU again.

[Miss Peach]

I agree with spiderowl that it sounds passive aggressive. He may be projecting (the abuse) or justifying his actions to make himself feel better. My best guess is his ego doesn't like that you stood up for yourself and are moving on without him even though he effectively ended it. Many men are territorial that way even when they have no right to be.

 

I don't know the details so I can't say it's necessarily abusive but feeling respected is typically really big to men so if there is any truth to that you may want to improve in that area before getting into another relationship. I'm not saying it justifies what he did but I would look into it. When you are ready to start dating again I highly recommend checking out a book or podcast by Dr. Pat Allen (something like Getting to I Do). She writes a lot about how to make men feel respected.

[Love2015]

So now I am at 11 months....property has still not been resolved.

 

It is annoying. I tried but impossible to work with him for it!

 

He is with the initial OW in a relationship ... in other words I am history

 

It still hurts. I try for that not to but it continues hurting. Doesn't help that I still live in the house.

 

I have no idea what he is saying to friends but there is a gf who sent me an email saying "based on my views about her...we cannot be friends anymore" She refers to talking to him in that email She was saying how he told her everything and I was wrong.

 

Wait...he cheated..went to live with OW and I am wrong? ok...he then says I abused him and what not.

 

I still feel bad with all the lies. Worst thing is I try to talk to him amicably to wrap up and his behaviour is of not wanting to interact with me as a battered man.

 

It is frustration and I am feeling sicker by the day.

 

I have thought of contacting the OW as she is the only one who can give any type of insight?

[Arieswoman]

Love2015,

I am sorry that you're in this situation.

 

I was once where you are now and it stinks. It's unfair and it's mean.

 

Like I did you're going to have to accept the unpalatable fact there is nothing you can do about how other people behave. You weren't responsible for your H's affair and you're not responsible for how his crappy friends and ****ty family behave.

 

You can't control the narrative, only what you choose to do about it.

 

So, don't contact the OW. That will make you seem weak and needy, and you're not that are you?

 

Take a step back and let the legal bods handle the house sale. (Yes, you'll feel a lot better once you've sold the marital home, I did.)

Can you move into another bedroom? That might help.

 

Yes it hurts, of course it hurts, because you are a genuine deeply feeling person, who like many on these boards, fell in love with an @r$ewipe.

 

It does get better, believe me. At this moment you probably can't imagine anything being "normal" again, but it will.

 

Hang on in there, you can do this x

 

PS. People are now showing their true colours, and be glad they did.

[anika99]

Do not contact the OW as that will only make you feel even worse. She has been fed the same crap the other gf was told and she will blame you too. Then she will tell your ex and they will both agree that it was psycho of you to contact her in the first place and he will look even more innocent and vindicated.

[Love2015]

Last night, I emailed the friend who decided to outcast me two videos of Narcissism and stages AND Flying Monkeys. I don't really know if this is what my relationship was or not but the feelings of the stages are all the same.

The friend replies why send this? This is my response (omitting identifiable information)

 

Email to friend:

Why you think?

 

Knowledge is power.

 

I went from having a life with someone I thought who overall loved me and being part of a new family in law which I did all I could for and communicated openly without having any bad thinking about and I always wanted the best for everyone and thought of that this is a new family for lifetime and having friends who I adored and having a community to rely on to...

 

Discovering and being told I have been cheated on and to top it all after I found out...being discarded and told that the other person is supportive and understanding and that I am abusive, controlling, a bad person, a bad friend, a disrespectful human being, a bad cook, an unworthy human being who doesn't even deserve to be talked properly...in front of my face telling me one thing, and behind my back character defaming me..finding out that it took less than 4 months after marriage for him to be with someone else... understanding that when I wanted his love and spending time with him..I thought he was at work so I tried to understand and yes would fight as any normal couple does ..to actually find out he was not interested in us as much that is why he was not around..cause he was devoting his time somewhere else. So that which he said I was doing wrong was really a cover up for what he had been doing all along. And when trying to wrap up ... letting him know that if he didn't love me that let us just depart amicably ... he saying has moved on but yet letting me be in the house all alone without talking anything out. Without having an opportunity to really fix things because we had married? Do you know how it is to not even once spoken in a civil manner? Not even once? ... Promises all broken and I was left alone without even a genuine benefit of the doubt that all those years I had spent time with everyone were because I love people and I was made the "bad" one?

 

Instead... he projected me as a psycho b* and I not understanding ...that who I married the person I knew or the person who I have no idea about? Being told lies, betrayed and not being respected. Being not respectfully spoken to and not once shown that I was worth as a person. And because I was hurting so much as the one person I trusted the most, the one person who is supposed to protect you ... is the one person who is putting you down? And that if I knew that he was thinking so bad about me before marriage, I would have left him way before. But he did all after marriage and I was gone.

 

Do you know how it feels not to be able to sleep for so many days and then have to go to work because you have to support yourself because if you don't do then no one else will? To know that he knows ALL about me and then did this...what for? And honestly I was not even able to tell him in person all that I am telling you because he never once allowed it. Only thing he did when I did finally talk to him in person is continue saying all the bad things about me without once listening to how I felt because he didn't care because he cared only to be with her. Because she with msgs I saw she wrote to him said she had possibility and she knows one day they will be together and was asking him to choose her. And to to think that I still thought that if I did something wrong as he said he felt like that, lets work on it ...go Counselling ..get support..try to save it because I loved him...his reply: "If you want to save the marriage, is because you want to continue abusing me?" Seriously, so there I had the person who I trusted the most that I thought knew me well...discarding me without even once a glimpse back.

 

And finally when I am trying to pick up my pieces as best as I can ... still hearing some people I care for still think I am no good? The way things were done and are still being done made me suicidal (I would not hurt myself but I know how it feels for the first time in my life). I went to counselling alone and continue going. Have to support completely on my own and I tried hard and have been trying harder. I enjoy small things as I used to even before I was projected as insane one. What I went through I don't think is normal as that is not what I saw while growing up.

 

So if I saw that and I sent it to you is because I want you who I thought was my friend to truly understand what I have been going through. I wanted to save the marriage and because of love ... I didn't know he didn't love me. He had said he loved me and wanted a life with me and I abused him..funny way to show he loved me?

 

At present, as I told you I am better. I was finally free and accepting the truth (that he truly didn't love me not even as a friend) and then you sent me that email. I went back to square one with your email. To again thinking I am a bad person who doesn't deserve love and to remember the details of what had happened.

 

We were and are still financially attached (joint property) and even that he behaves as I don't deserve him to talk things out to sell furniture, take his stuff, provide keys of house while I live alone. He continues making me a bad person so I have no option to do things as best as I can with the knowledge I have. I mean seriously I didn't choose to marry and be dumped for someone else no matter what problems we have. When you marry, you try to work all out. But now times have changed...and the first sign of trouble people seek happiness wherever they can. It is ironic how she has become the best thing that happened in his life for him and his family and I am the worst thing who people should not even talk to? His say in working things out is he has moved on so there is no need to interact with me. He is having a great life without me so I don't deserve to be talked to properly? I am healing or trying to day by day as much as I can.

 

--------------

 

This is how I felt...and still till date struggle with. Lies have become truth...truth of the love is long gone...I realize I had given control of my life to someone who destroyed me....I do feel crazy many times and I don't know what to do. I tried to clear joint finances but he stalled in every way. And I hear what people say about doing all through lawyers, however..I would like to know how to cope with all this at an emotional level.

 

I want him to talk and say he is sorry. I never once saw any regret. And the very few times (last in MArch) I saw him, he was checked out. As no love nor compassion nor anything was there. It is disturbing. This is a man who lives with the OW but has not even changed his mail! I seriously need to realize it is not me but its difficult.

 

I am in NC. So honestly , this is all in me head?

[turnera]

So now I am at 11 months....property has still not been resolved.

 

It is annoying. I tried but impossible to work with him for it!

 

He is with the initial OW in a relationship ... in other words I am history

 

It still hurts. I try for that not to but it continues hurting. Doesn't help that I still live in the house.

 

I have no idea what he is saying to friends but there is a gf who sent me an email saying "based on my views about her...we cannot be friends anymore" She refers to talking to him in that email She was saying how he told her everything and I was wrong.

 

Wait...he cheated..went to live with OW and I am wrong? ok...he then says I abused him and what not.

 

I still feel bad with all the lies. Worst thing is I try to talk to him amicably to wrap up and his behaviour is of not wanting to interact with me as a battered man.

 

It is frustration and I am feeling sicker by the day.

 

I have thought of contacting the OW as she is the only one who can give any type of insight?

Why aren't you telling EVERYONE you know about what he has done? Including his family?

[Love2015]

Turnera, not sure what your question is? I didn't tell everyone because what is the point. If he didn't care ...I just want to heal.

[turnera]

Turnera, not sure what your question is? I didn't tell everyone because what is the point. If he didn't care ...I just want to heal.

Well, you SAY you just want to heal, yet you send this huge letter to someone to get them on your side.

 

Which is it?

 

Are you ready to walk away and stop caring what these people think? Or are you still trying to convince them you are right?

 

You need to figure that out.

[dreamingoftigers]

So now I am at 11 months....property has still not been resolved.

 

It is annoying. I tried but impossible to work with him for it!

 

He is with the initial OW in a relationship ... in other words I am history

 

It still hurts. I try for that not to but it continues hurting. Doesn't help that I still live in the house.

 

I have no idea what he is saying to friends but there is a gf who sent me an email saying "based on my views about her...we cannot be friends anymore" She refers to talking to him in that email She was saying how he told her everything and I was wrong.

 

Wait...he cheated..went to live with OW and I am wrong? ok...he then says I abused him and what not.

 

I still feel bad with all the lies. Worst thing is I try to talk to him amicably to wrap up and his behaviour is of not wanting to interact with me as a battered man.

 

It is frustration and I am feeling sicker by the day.

 

I have thought of contacting the OW as she is the only one who can give any type of insight?

 

im so sorry

 

do you absolutely need his input to dump the property? is there no legal way to compel him?

 

the OW will get dropped like you did. when a man marries his mistress, he creates a vacancy.

[Love2015]

@Turnera ...

 

I could see ur point. What I received from this girl took me by surprise. It is a friend of mine who heard stuff from him so I emailed her one last time. And now she and I no contact. It is sad to have lost one more person in my life. But it is probably for good.

[dreamingoftigers]

Why aren't you telling EVERYONE you know about what he has done? Including his family?

 

I found I told his family for a couple of reasons:

 

1. That jerk was trash-talking me, and I respected myself to share my own truth. They could sort the chaff from the wheat if they wanted to.

 

2. My in-laws actually invested into a relationship in the beginning with me. My mother in-law actually warned me about him. (Ironically she has some memory problems so she actually warned me about something his biological mother did, not him. Sounds confusing? My husband was raised by his grandmother. She's my MIL.) My in-laws actually stood to bat for me in dealing with him. Of course, we also have children together, so I am sure that had some sway.

 

3. We have children together so they would be in contact with the grandparents, and by extension so would I. This might not be typical but my husband would drop his family (and they him. Dysfunctional.) For years at a time. Any fostering of any relationship would go through me. They liked me. Still do.

 

4. I wanted my kids kept out of it and my mother-in-law, I'm pretty sure WOULD NOT HAVE left my kids out of it (still not 100% sure she will) without a pretty full explanation and request to do so.)

 

5. There is also a VERY high chance of their son and I divorced, they would skip him inheriting and put it in trust for the kids. Not kidding. They don't like piss-poor behaviour but I will say, I think their rigidity and rejection of their son (Really grandson) is what cause the majority of his issues on the first place.

 

I don't think telling your own truth is a sign of dysfunction and insecurity, especially after you've been victimized.

 

You don't owe the other party "covering" for them.

 

My husband walked out on us one night and didn't tell us where he was going / what he was doing and our daughter cried and was very sad as she had already been through a separation and this brought back a lot of stuff for her. The next day she told some friends at school about it and my husband got upset that she was telling people "personal family business."

 

I disagree. She's seven and shouldn't have to cover and "keep the secret" with no supports of her own for his piss-poor behaviour. If he didn't want her telling people, he shouldn't have subjected her to it. If he doesn't want the narrative about him to be that "he takes off on her" then HE SHOULDN'T TAKE OFF ON HER. Grow the eff up already, Husband! Abusers don't get to decide what their victims do with the informations.