Hardy Posted July 17, 2016 Share Posted July 17, 2016 I have been dating the most wonderful man for about a year. We are about to travel to my home state to see my family. My boyfriend is a little older than I am, and he's Jewish. It's not a problem for me, as I find his faith fascinating, but a few members of my family are antisemetic.... It embarrasses me, and I haven't told him yet. My grandpa who I am very close to is the worst about it. He'll say very rude things about Jewish men especially in the entertainment business, and that is how my boyfriend's father made his living. I don't know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
TunaCat Posted July 17, 2016 Share Posted July 17, 2016 Well for starters I would TELL your boyfriend about the anti-Semetic family members before you leave. That's not fair to basically put him in the firing squad without any warning. Then, when you are home, if the anti-semetic family members start in on him, you and your boyfriend must get up and leave. You have to show your boyfriend that you are on his side 100% 6 Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted July 17, 2016 Share Posted July 17, 2016 Oye vey! I agree with tuna cat. You have to prep all parties and get up and leave if he feels uncomfortable. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
burnt Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 I agree with TunaCat as well. But even before warning your boyfriend about your family's mindset, I think it's WAY more important that you have an open conversation with your boyfriend about how he feels about this entire situation. Depending on how strong his ties to his Jewish heritage is, he may or may not even be able to consider the thought of being with someone who has a family member who is an antisemite. From your point of view it may sound unreasonable that he may reject you for someone else's thoughts, but it is important for you to know how strongly he feels before he even meets any of your family members. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 I'm sure your current fellow has experienced this in his travel of faith differences. Your grandpa sounds like a hoot though! Time to update him on how we embrace our faiths and no longer are allowed to make statements that may or may not be true of that faith/practice. Link to post Share on other sites
JoeSmith357-1 Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 I'm from the south, so my grandparents were automatically racist and antisemetic. That's just how EVERYONE was during that era. My parents are less racist and antisemetic than my grandparents. Me and my brothers are not at all, even though we grew up thinking it was normal to be at least a little prejudiced against non-white, non-christians. I would definitely "prep" both the boyfriend and your family prior to them actually meeting each other just to avoid any sort of issues. If your boyfriend dumps you because your grandfather is an anit-semite, do you really want to be in a relationship with him? That seems pretty shallow to me. Especially considering his interaction with him will be minimal. Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 OP, I agree that you need to warn him about your family..but if he's uncomfortable, he's uncomfortable. I'm Jewish, and after moving from New York to rural Florida in high school, I was discriminated against (sadly and disgustingly enough, this was less than 20 years ago). I agree with the poster above who said that you need to show him that you are 100% with him. If your family begins going off on him, follow his lead. If he wants to leave, leave with him. If he wants to defend himself (to a point of course..he shouldn't be disrespectful..fighting bad with bad isn't going to change anything), let him, and help him if you can. Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 I'm from the south, so my grandparents were automatically racist and antisemetic. That's just how EVERYONE was during that era. My parents are less racist and antisemetic than my grandparents. Me and my brothers are not at all, even though we grew up thinking it was normal to be at least a little prejudiced against non-white, non-christians. I would definitely "prep" both the boyfriend and your family prior to them actually meeting each other just to avoid any sort of issues. If your boyfriend dumps you because your grandfather is an anit-semite, do you really want to be in a relationship with him? That seems pretty shallow to me. Especially considering his interaction with him will be minimal. I really hope you don't still think this... Also, my boyfriend is from the south and he and his family, though they are conservative republican Catholics, have no problem with other races, religions, or sexual orientations, so being from the south is not an excuse anymore. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JoeSmith357-1 Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 I really hope you don't still think this... Also, my boyfriend is from the south and he and his family, though they are conservative republican Catholics, have no problem with other races, religions, or sexual orientations, so being from the south is not an excuse anymore. I don't think racism or being prejudiced is good anymore. It took leaving home, going to college and experiencing the world outside of the confines of a racist family for me to see it though... You are a product of your upbringing / environment, but you can change. That is what I was getting at. Also, just throwing this out there... Jewish people can be racist too. I had a HORRIBLE experience dating a Jewish girl in college. She invited me over for Thanksgiving dinner, her mother and father were horribly prejudiced against me because I was not a Jew. Especially the dad. Honestly that experience soured me from dating jews for quite a while. Whatever the opposite of being an anti-semite is what these people were. Just saying it cuts both ways. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hardy Posted July 19, 2016 Author Share Posted July 19, 2016 We talked about it, and he said it was fine. He says he's use to stuff like that happening, especially with older men. It still is making me nervous. There's no way I wouldn't stand up for him, but im worried. I'm so in love with this man. I dont want his feelings to get hurt. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted July 19, 2016 Share Posted July 19, 2016 It such a shame that people wont give a even break to someone different from them. If it was me and I introduced the woman I love to my family and they were ignorant to her because she wasn't of the same faith as her, I wouldn't hesitate for a minute to walk out and then after I'm alone with the family to let them all have about twenty minuets worth of "You ain't seen nothing yet". It's inexcusable and I would let them know that they sure as hell ain't perfect either. To be honest if I introduced anyone to my family that wasn't of their faith and they acted in a rude way the same would hold true. It must be nice to be able to walk on water. Sorry it just pisses me off. Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted July 19, 2016 Share Posted July 19, 2016 A lot has been said here about discussing this with your boyfriend. That is fine. But how about telling your family that your boyfriend is Jewish and that if they cannot keep their mouths shut in respect for you then to just tell you and you will not come home 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted July 19, 2016 Share Posted July 19, 2016 I don't think racism or being prejudiced is good anymore. It took leaving home, going to college and experiencing the world outside of the confines of a racist family for me to see it though... You are a product of your upbringing / environment, but you can change. That is what I was getting at. Also, just throwing this out there... Jewish people can be racist too. I had a HORRIBLE experience dating a Jewish girl in college. She invited me over for Thanksgiving dinner, her mother and father were horribly prejudiced against me because I was not a Jew. Especially the dad. Honestly that experience soured me from dating jews for quite a while. Whatever the opposite of being an anti-semite is what these people were. Just saying it cuts both ways. ...where did I say that Jews can't be racist? You're awfully defensive.. Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted July 19, 2016 Share Posted July 19, 2016 We talked about it, and he said it was fine. He says he's use to stuff like that happening, especially with older men. It still is making me nervous. There's no way I wouldn't stand up for him, but im worried. I'm so in love with this man. I dont want his feelings to get hurt. Sounds like you guys are gonna be just fine! Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted July 19, 2016 Share Posted July 19, 2016 (edited) why not invite the non-racists to a dinner out and avoid problems? you sound quite young yet to be fretting so am Jewish, the haters love to bully me, so much so I am avoiding them or give the family one chance to be polite at the visit, do not allow this to get out of hand you do not need to please anybody but yourself, and the man you love, whose family might even want you to join their faith, this goes on at marriage have you been to any Jewish festvities? called simchas (pronounced simkas with a soft K) bar mitvahs, engagements, weddings allhave parties, sometimes just called Dos, do in the plural Edited July 19, 2016 by darkmoon Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 19, 2016 Share Posted July 19, 2016 I have been dating the most wonderful man for about a year. We are about to travel to my home state to see my family. My boyfriend is a little older than I am, and he's Jewish. It's not a problem for me, as I find his faith fascinating, but a few members of my family are antisemetic.... It embarrasses me, and I haven't told him yet. My grandpa who I am very close to is the worst about it. He'll say very rude things about Jewish men especially in the entertainment business, and that is how my boyfriend's father made his living. I don't know what to do. YOU cannot just show up with this older Jewish guy and expect your family to be all OK with it. I suspect they will not be happy with the fact he is older and the fact he is Jewish too is the icing on the cake. If you are indeed serious about his man then you need to give them warning, else this could all kick off badly. No-one likes to be railroaded into accepting "nasty" surprises. Be honest with them and give them plenty of notice and time to get used to this news, do not just show up and expect them to "just deal with it" as the most likely first response will be anger. Which is all well and good if you want to be seen as a rebel, kicking her family in the teeth and never speaking to them ever again, but not so good if you want to have a future with this man and stay part of your own family too. Link to post Share on other sites
JoeSmith357-1 Posted July 19, 2016 Share Posted July 19, 2016 ...where did I say that Jews can't be racist? You're awfully defensive.. You basically called me a racist by that callout... so yeah Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hardy Posted July 19, 2016 Author Share Posted July 19, 2016 My parents know he is older, and Jewish. As far as I'm concerned they're the only ones who deserve to know those things, but he looks like he's Jewish. I have been to wonderful celebrations with him and his family. I went to his nephew's bar mitzvah and it was so much fun. I was raised not really having a religious identity and experiencing his is very enjoyable for me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 19, 2016 Share Posted July 19, 2016 We talked about it, and he said it was fine. He says he's use to stuff like that happening, especially with older men. It still is making me nervous. There's no way I wouldn't stand up for him, but im worried. I'm so in love with this man. I dont want his feelings to get hurt. He is a grown man and will be fine. Trust and have faith that he can handle himself, since he has mentioned he's dealt with people like this before. Even if his feelings are hurt, you can't control that, or what your other family members might say. Just nip it in the bud if anything is said. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 19, 2016 Share Posted July 19, 2016 YOU cannot just show up with this older Jewish guy and expect your family to be all OK with it. I suspect they will not be happy with the fact he is older and the fact he is Jewish too is the icing on the cake. If you are indeed serious about his man then you need to give them warning, else this could all kick off badly. No-one likes to be railroaded into accepting "nasty" surprises. Be honest with them and give them plenty of notice and time to get used to this news, do not just show up and expect them to "just deal with it" as the most likely first response will be anger. Which is all well and good if you want to be seen as a rebel, kicking her family in the teeth and never speaking to them ever again, but not so good if you want to have a future with this man and stay part of your own family too. I know this is naive thinking, but really, when you think about it, why not? If the guy is nice and treats her well, her family should be happy for her and not judge him based on his religion. Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted July 19, 2016 Share Posted July 19, 2016 I know this is naive thinking, but really, when you think about it, why not? If the guy is nice and treats her well, her family should be happy for her and not judge him based on his religion. Many people are dangerously irrational. People have a level of depravity that cannot be reasonably explained. This family has put all the things that are objectively important to the curb and chosen to muddle their sensibilities with hate... I've said this before, but there are people out there who would entertain the idea of dating people of other cultures/races/religions, but are hindered by circumstances and communities that keep them from making that jump. It's sad. Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted July 19, 2016 Share Posted July 19, 2016 You basically called me a racist by that callout... so yeah I actually didn't. Not even close. So yeah... All I said was that being from the South is not an excuse for anyone to be racist. And you responded by telling me that Jews can be racists too..which was a complete non-sequiter because my religion has about as much to do with racism as your place of birth. OP, apologies for the threadjack. Link to post Share on other sites
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