Heartbroken-looking for

[Heartbroken1mm]

Hi all. I'm brand new to these forums. I stumbled across this site as I was looking for advice on the Internet. Thanks in advance for any support.

 

Background: I've been divorced for just over a year. I've actively been with mm for just over 2 years. He has 2 children, I have none. He has been my best friend throughout my divorce and afterwards. He has been my rock. My stable place to go when my world was shaken.

 

Current: I love spending time with him. I'm extremely close with his wife and 2 children. So when I spend time with his family, I get to spend "clean fun" time with him as well. We keep everything under wraps (obviously) when his family is around. I work with him as well, so I might have lunch with him or see him for a quick minute to tell him hi. However, I crave the private and intimate one on one time with him when his family is out of town for the weekend. That is the only time I really have that is one on one. For the past two years, any time that they have gone out of town, he has spent time with me. We might go to dinner or do things around the house, and then spend quality time together. However, over the past few months or so, there have been times where he doesn't want to get together and spend time with me. We will talk usually 4-5 times a week via text at night. But I still crave this one on one time with him. When they do go out of town and I ask him if he will spend a little time with me, he will say he has a headache or there is too much crazy going on at home, etc. I will ask him if it has anything to do with me and he will say no. We will talk about it and then I will get upset because I tell him that I feel like he is pushing me away. I feel like he should want to spend some time with me (since it doesn't happen that often).

 

Well, last night he was being a pain with his wife while I was over, and I got caught up in the middle. After she went to bed, I asked him if I was still special to him and if he still enjoyed spending that one on one time with me (they are going out of town for a few days starting today, so we were supposed to spend a little time together). He said yes, but he didn't want to spend time with me this week. I got upset. He got mad. He questioned whether friendship was still the foundation of our relationship. I told him that it was (and it is) but I feel so hurt because I really long for that one on one time with him.

 

I'm not sure what to do. I've been crying my eyes out. I want to call him so bad but I don't want to appear desperate. Even though he is a mm, he is my rock and I hate arguing. I want to talk to him so bad. What do I do? I don't want to push him away, but I don't want to appear desperate. I'm sure he needs some quiet time just to himself, but I long to hear his voice and feel his touch.

[Ruffian1]

He questioned whether friendship was still the foundation of our relationship. I told him that it was (and it is) but I feel so hurt because I really long for that one on one time with him.

 

I think technically you are actually FWB not just friends, right?

 

There is a big difference. Sounds like you want more of the benenfits part than he does.

 

You do know what you are doing to his wife and kids is not "clean" don't you.

 

You just need to wait around until he feels like he want to see you.

 

Can you do that?

and yes, you will seem desperate if you keep pestering him.

[Shadowburn]

This is wrong on so many levels.

 

You are single. Why hang around someone else's family and trying to get "one on one time" with a man who obviously lost interest? Don't you feel like you deserve better that begging some indifferent married man for attention?

 

Definition of "special" is not some stolen "one on one time". It's being placed in the center of the mans Universe, not picking up his wife's leftovers.

 

Please find your dignity and self respect and walk away from him and his family.

 

Best wishes xo

[loveisanaction]

If his wife is going out of town and he still does not want to spend time with you then i think you confidently say that as of now it seems as if your married man is just not that into you.

 

You say that you are extremely close to his wife yet for the last 2 years, behind her back you have been sleeping with her husband. You think because you behave yourself when his wife and children are around that it makes what you and him are doing any better?

 

Yesterday night after his wife went upstairs to bed you started asking him if you were still special to him. You were asking him this whilst his wife was sleeping in her bed upstairs? Mehn! that's low on a whole new level.

 

Why exactly are you crying? If anybody should be crying it should be his wife. Her husband and dear 'friend' have been betraying her in the worst possible way.

 

You knew he was married before you got involved with him. You signed up for this. At some point you had to have known that your affair with him would come to an end.

 

So i ask you again, why are you crying?

[DKT3]

If his wife is going out of town and he still does not want to spend time with you then i think you confidently say that as of now it seems as if your married man is just not that into you.

 

You say that you are extremely close to his wife yet for the last 2 years, behind her back you have been sleeping with her husband. You think because you behave yourself when his wife and children are around that it makes what you and him are doing any better?

 

Yesterday night after his wife went upstairs to bed you started asking him if you were still special to him. You were asking him this whilst his wife was sleeping in her bed upstairs? Mehn! that's low on a whole new level.

 

Why exactly are you crying? If anybody should be crying it should be his wife. Her husband and dear 'friend' have been betraying her in the worst possible way.

 

You knew he was married before you got involved with him. You signed up for this. At some point you had to have known that your affair with him would come to an end.

 

So i ask you again, why are you crying?

 

Im not sure people in affairs truly think of end game.

 

That said op, how do you envision this ending?

 

Most likely him with her, you licking your wounds and try to figure how deeply this affair has impacted your marriage, divorce and relationship to come.

[Sunshinegirl10]

I think he wants to end it with you and is afraid to say so

[13Hearts]

I think you should call him on his cell as much as humanly possible until he answers, regardless of whether or not he is already on vacation with his family. Then, I think you should let him know just how very much he has hurt you, and then give him an ultimatum. Either he leave his wife and children and be with you full-time, or it's over.

 

If he refuses to leave them, keep calling him, leave messages if he won't pick up, and repeat your ultimatum until he gives in.

[awkward]

He is probably looking for a way to end it with you without you blowing up his world. It is time for you to move on. It won't be easy but going NC with him is in your best interest. Rip the band aid off. Don't slowly peel it off it will hurt more.

[Lady Hamilton]

Right...

 

And if you're looking for a more middle-of-the-road response that won't cause him to think you've gone nuts...

 

I'd confront him on it, in a place not within shouting distance of his wife. You won't get an honest response there (or at work), only the "oh man, I don't want her to make a scene because it'll ruin my life" response.

 

Maybe she's suspicious. Maybe he has another OW. Maybe he's not into you anymore. Maybe he's legitimately busy. You won't know until you talk it out in a neutral environment. But I'd be prepared to hear that things are winding down.

 

I'd also stop coming by and spending time with him at his home in front of his wife and the kids. He may be getting put off by it, but either way, it reeks too much of pooing where you eat... Never a good idea.

[burnt]

You got divorced a year ago. Divorce is hard on anyone. No matter how badly you may have wanted to leave your marriage I'm sure it still exerted a lot of stress on you emotionally and psychologically. Like ALL divorces, your marriage and emotional health in your marriage were failing long before the actual divorce. Meaning you were under stress and unhappiness for a lot longer than the past two years.

 

You started the relationship with the MM a year before the divorce. So, not only were you on a rocky unhappy volatile marriage, but also sinking deep in a confusing illicit adulterous relationship with a married man when you are in close contact with his wife and children regularly as well.

 

You were volatile in your marriage; you were even more volatile by engaging in an affair. Then when the divorce process started, add more stress to that already existing volatility. And since your MM was there for you in this extremely stressful time, you have now bonded with him on a SUPER high emotionally deep level.

 

Usually when we are vulnerable, we form a very deep bond with the ones who are there for us to support us emotionally.

 

But you see, that's the problem: YOU have bonded with him, but he has not bonded with you, because he has not been vulnerable.

 

You are clearly in love with. You want to be with him. You wish you could have a life with him. To spend all the one on one time with him to share all that you feel for him.

 

but HE does not want that.

 

He has a family to spend all the one on one time with them.

 

For every one more hour that you spend around him, the stronger your desire for him will grow. Look down the road. What do you see? More pain. More suffering. Just for YOU, not him. He will still have his family and children. You will have no one.

 

It does NOT matter how much you love him or want him, he will never be yours. Never.

 

Say your goodbye to him. Not because you want to, but because you are NOT given another option. Stop seeing/talking to him ever again. Stop seeing anyone else in his family ever again.

 

You have a LOT of healing to do on your own without him.

He is not your rock. He is his wife's rock.

[heartwhole]

How do you handle someone cooling off in other relationships in your life? Even if this were a legitimate dating relationship, or a platonic friendship between two women, it would not be my style or my instinct to demand to know why someone doesn't seem to want to spend so much time with me anymore. It happens -- people grow apart -- and chasing, manipulating, and demanding are not going to inspire the person to want to spend more time with you.

 

Personally, I would interpret him saying "Yes, but I don't want to spend time with you next week," to mean, "OK, no, but this is awkward because you're in my house confronting me about our affair while my wife is upstairs. And by the way, I definitely don't want to spend time with you next week." Words don't really mean anything when actions contradict them. His actions say he's not interested in continuing the affair. And while it would be nice if he were to be direct and honest about it, he hasn't proved himself to be good at being direct and honest, has he? Direct and honest people don't cheat on their wives. So you'll save yourself a lot of heartache by realizing that he's not going to be any different when it comes to dealing with you.

[Poppy47]

This man is nobody's rock. He is betraying his wife in front of her.

 

If you read this in a novel, would you believe what you just posted?

 

I think you are in a very vulnerable place as you were recently divorced and yes, a year is recent. Divorce takes a long recovery period.

 

For the love of God, disentangle yourself from this ****ty situation. You do not belong in the family circle. It will be very ugly when she finds out, and she will.

 

Take some time to get yourself back after your divorce. I neglected my own needs when my husband died and ended up in an 8 year affair. It was a waste of my time.

 

Do you have family, other friends?

 

Poppy?

[Ronnie33]

He wants to stop the affair with you but is probably scared that you will get angry and possibly tell his wife. He is trying to let you down in the easiest way possible but I think your neediness is making her nervous.

 

When my AP had possible time alone together we never passed on it. I think him telling you more then once that he doesn't want to see you during that time is very telling. I know he was there for you during a very rough time, usually these affairs form during those times because we are so vulnerable and don't see it coming. My AP were both broken when we met at work. We didn't see it then but it was the recipe for the perfect storm. Three years later his life is together and I'm still trying to find my way, and I will tell you that staying in this affair for three years has done way more harm to me then good. It's time to let go of him.

[Lobe]

I'd have been uber pissed if my husband had ever brought the xOW around my kids and I. That's a whole other level of disrespect I can't even wrap my head around.

 

It sounds like he is done with the A. The reason doesn't matter - whether he has had a change of heart, is bored with you, has a new AP - it's irrelevant.

 

Admit it - you want more than crumbs. Pick up your chin, shoulders back, chest out, eyes forward, and march off into the sunset with whatever is left of your dignity intact.