After 4 dates, my lady friend told me she wants to take it slow

[Teknoe]

Have you been seeing her over a month now?

 

I'd like to see more interest than once a week dates with no/little contact in between at that point. Is it possible to have any little impromptu dates during the week?

 

Example: when out and about, take a quick pic of something you'd like to show her (a fav coffee or lunch spot), send the pic with a proposal "up for a quick bite on Tues?" or "can I tempt you out of the house right now?" (that better be a pic of something especially delicious)

 

I met her a month ago, but dating-wise we've been on 3 dates the past 3 weeks... so about a date a week so far on average. She lives about 50 minutes away from me, so unfortunately slightly out of the way for a casual random "hey can I tempt you out of the house?" type get together, although if we become more serious I think I can swing that. I do like that suggestion, specifically that line of "can I tempt you out of the house right now?" along with a pic of a specific place that's a nice little spot. Thanks for that tip.

 

 

 

IMO, that is too long a gap Mon-Sat to wait to be in touch. Generally I don't think your ideas about texting are too bad. And I don't think it's good to text if you really have nothing to say. But 4 dates in, headed toward possibly "something", she is probably thinking about you and would enjoy a text. It's hard for me to believe that you won't have something that came up in those 4 dates, prior contact that won't make you think of her in some way and be a catalyst for you to send her a little text. Another idea is that even though she is planning the date for you guys saturday, you can add to the date by suggesting something to do before or after whatever she has planned and reach out to her to suggest it/talk about it. That's actually more masculine anyway.

 

I think you are perhaps take what you've "discovered" about texting too literally or adhering to it too strictly. Ultimately if she likes you and you've met a threshold of that, she's going to enjoy hearing from you. That said, there can be something in what you text about with any girl but your style that just doesn't work. If I was to guess something about it must be either too clingy or nothing to say or not mirrored interested essentially. Here's the thing: one level of contact does not work in a blanket fashion with all women (or men), even with the same person at various points within the relationship. In your current specific situation, if she is enjoying spending time with you (which it sounds like she is) and you disappear for 6 days when she has actually put the most effort in at last time (asking you out on a date) and you are in that middle period of just starting to date, she could just as likely be bound to think you have lost interest, put in low effort and doubt creeps in. Anyway, a good relationship, IMO, builds on shared experiences of every kind. Sharing a bit of your day with her, letting her know she is in your thoughts because something that happened or you saw reminded you of her is a good thing.

 

I totally agree with you about a banal "good morning" text or good night one or repetitive how was your day (where you also never say anything about yourself). That stuff coming from a guy, to me, equals of wanting to be in contact, overly interested in the girl but a rather boring person. However, as soon as I type this other girls will tell you they love a good morning text, etc. People are different; that's why the mirroring is good. But yeah in your current situation, I think it's too long to leave it and surely something of value to both of you should come up to chat or text about in that amount of time. it can even be as simple as saying, "can't wait til this saturday". I would like something more engaging but point is you need to do SOMETHING.

 

You know, I'm glad I made this thread. Part of me did feel deep down that a 5-day gap would be a terribly long time for no communication.

 

I actually just sent her a quick text. I know she's at work so she's busy. Anyway, it was a cute little text. Kind of subtle, but shows her I'm thinking of her. Made a statement rather than ask her a question.... that way I'm not expecting a reply but would be definitely nice to hear her open response to it.

 

So on our 3rd date we had some (light) wine for dinner. I'm not a wine person at all, but the wine we drank was very light and for me surprisingly yummy. We also had pasta for our dinner date.

 

So I just texted her "Just had lunch with a friend. I ordered a pasta dish. Halfway through I was desiring some wine... that's never happened before! Lol"

 

Kept it very lighthearted, and gave her a chance to come back at me with an interesting reply rather than "Oh my day's been ok." So thanks for the feedback, whether she replies or not, I'm glad I sent this text mid-week to break it up. It shows her I'm thinking of her and that our last date left some kind of lasting impression on me (i.e. I went from not liking wine to kind of liking it now)

 

Hmmm, guess I did get caught up too hard in these "rules" -- I should be more flexible and do what feels right. As you guys said, every person is different. I do agree generally with mirror texting though. Good call on that one.

[basil67]

So I just texted her "Just had lunch with a friend. I ordered a pasta dish. Halfway through I was desiring some wine... that's never happened before! Lol"

 

I'm predicting that we're about to see a new poster with the question "he messaged me about how he just went to lunch with someone else. Is he not into me anymore?"

[Teknoe]

I'm predicting that we're about to see a new poster with the question "he messaged me about how he just went to lunch with someone else. Is he not into me anymore?"

 

LOL!

 

I know you're kidding but I would hope not! I wouldn't want to be with someone THAT insecure.

[OutdoorGirl23]

If we don't hear from you we will think that you're not interested! Also, why not give her a phone call? It's a great way to have a real conversation. I don't take men who won't take the time to call me seriously.

Good Luck!!!!

[basil67]

LOL!

 

I know you're kidding but I would hope not! I wouldn't want to be with someone THAT insecure.

 

I'm only half kidding. It was a really odd text to send and I wouldn't be surprised if she looked at it and was confused as to why you sent it. It would be more at home on a Tweet than a text.

 

Because we know what your mindset is, we know that you're trying not to overwhelm with text - but you're trying too hard and missing the mark. However, she doesn't know that you're worried about overwhelming. From her angle, it's just a weird text.

Edited July 13, 2016 by basil67

[Teknoe]

I'm only half kidding. It was a really odd text to send and I wouldn't be surprised if she looked at it and was confused as to why you sent it. It would be more at home on a Tweet than a text.

 

Because we know what your mindset is, we know that you're trying not to overwhelm with text - but you're trying too hard and missing the mark. However, she doesn't know that you're worried about overwhelming. From her angle, it's just a weird text.

 

How is it a weird text?

 

Not getting you right now. It's clearly a callback to our previous date where I had wine with her and how I am not a big wine fan but now enjoy it. I would think that she likes the idea that she got me into it.

 

Btw I think you are overthinking how she would receive that text. You have no idea what her personality is or how she feels about me. So it's impossible for you to accurately predict how she would receive that text.

Edited July 14, 2016 by Teknoe

[Teknoe]

Just a quick recap to speed everyone up. Jen is a family friend whose parents are good friends with my parents. Her parents want me to marry her even before meeting me. They lived far away until 3 months ago when they moved closer to where I live. Hence why I never met Jen before until last month. FTR, I'm 32 and she is 30.

 

Our first meeting in early June was all six of us. Yes, I know it's a very unusual situation. I met the parents already and she met mine. Well, that was easy. It's not an arranged marriage, but a highly favored one (only if we fall in love). We kind of hit it off on that first meeting. We talked pretty naturally to one another given the circumstances (the parents talked with one another while Jen and I talked on the other end of the sofa).

 

At the end of that evening I got her cell number. The next day she texts me nice to meet me. I set up a lunch date.

 

Our 2nd date was a very fun impromptu 4th of July date. It was by far the most exciting of our 4 dates, and the one where I felt we bonded the most. I brought a beach towel that she used to cover up during the fireworks. I wanted to put my arm around her shoulder but I psyched myself out. I wanted to kiss her at the end of date #2 but chickened out.

 

3rd date she came over with wine (on her own accord) and we cooked dinner together. Then we watched a movie where we snuggled (and made real physical contact for the first time). I put my arm around her shoulder and she leaned in. At one point she even placed her head on my shoulder.

 

I walk her to my door and I hugged her. Somehow I felt her lips on my cheek (so I think she thought I was going for the kiss when I was going for the hug first). I then kissed her on her cheek. We pulled apart and we kissed. A half second peck. Honestly, it was more awkward than magical. But I was happy because I got to kiss her and I didn't want to leave the 3rd date NOT having kissed her.

 

After she leaves, I receive a text from her 15 minutes later (so basically she sent it to me right after she got home). She said she had fun and invited me out to this meet up type event.

 

That event took place last night.

 

In-between the 3rd and 4th date, there was ZERO communication about the kiss. She didn't bring it up nor did I. So going into the 4th date last night it was slightly awkward. She is currently living at home (don't worry, she has a high paying job but is VERY family oriented -- she can move out at any time but right now wishes to be with her family). I didn't hug her because I felt it would be weird doing that in front of her parents. I walked her out to my car and drove her to this meetup event.

 

In hindsight it was more of a hang out than a date. It was a bit naturally awkward in er, nature. Meetup events after all aren't ideal date nights. I didn't know anyone and she knew a few people. It was reasonably OK but honestly I wished we did something else that involved just the two of us.

 

During the event I felt unsure of myself and so chose not to do any PDA. We weren't boyfriend girlfriend and I didn't know how she feels about PDA. So I attempted nothing. At the end of the evening we walk back to my car and as I'm driving, I get the idea to hold her hand.

 

She was in the middle of talking when I went to hold her hand.

 

This caught her completely off guard. She paused her story, and said "What are you doing?" It didn't sound like a playful joke. I couldn't think of anything cute or witty to say like in the movies. Instead, like a real life idiot, I go "Holding your hand."

 

This was followed by the world's most awkward 20-25 second silence. She didn't finish her story, and I went completely brain dead. I just drove holding her hand, and she just sat there. We both stared ahead into the darkness that laid before us on this long 3 mile stretch of a road.

 

Eventually we started talking again (lol) while I held her hand. About 2 minutes away from her house she asked me if I had the pamphlet from the meetup. I knew it was sort of her cue to tell me to let go of her hand, lol. So I did, grabbed the pamphlet and gave it to her.

 

Walking her to her door, she had her hands full. She had her phone, her charger, her drink, etc. She and I talked a bit. She was unlocking her door and I saw that she was looking at me. For better or worse, I decided to lean in for our second kiss. It wasn't much different from our first kiss, which disappointed me. I figured it would be a little longer and a little more affectionate than a one second kiss. She smiled at me after the kiss but I wasn't sure if it was more of an "eek!" smile or a happy smile, lol.

 

I drove home that night feeling like a part of me died. The night didn't go super well, and certainly the events to conclude the night left me feeling like she just saw me as a friend.

 

She didn't text me either, which I saw as a further bad sign. No "Had fun tonight, thanks for coming out! :)" kind of text. I figured if she really liked me, she would have sent something similar. Yes, she may be conservative, but even a conservative girl will let a guy know how she feels if she likes him that much.

 

So I get the feeling she's somewhere between "just friends" and "slightly interested but definitely not blown away."

 

I didn't get a text from her today (the day after) so I sent her one. Rather than ask her how she feels about us, or me, or anything like that (i.e. questions that's sure to place me firmly in the "just friends" category), I thought I change it up a bit and so I went for this:

 

"About last night, was I moving too fast? Sorry if I am!"

 

Her reply: "No worries but I do like to take things slow. Hope you can respect that."

 

I followed up with totally respect that.

 

Then we planned a little game night. We're having a game night this weekend where she'll meet my brother and sister-in-law. She knows she's going to meet them, and she likes game nights.

 

So basically, I think she might have stretched the truth a little bit when she said she wants to take things slowly. I could be totally wrong, but my gut says she's trying to save face for both of us, and possibly is hoping I naturally lose interest and fade out over the course of the rest of this summer.

 

She didn't close the door completely on me though, so I will continue to invite her out to various events until I get a definite no. Maybe she does like me but really does want to take it slow.

 

The only thing is, snuggling on the 3rd date... and a first kiss... that seemed fine. Suddenly holding hands in private and a second kiss on the 4th date is moving too fast? My gut tells me somehow, someway, she lost interest in me after that 3rd date. Maybe it was me, maybe it was her, who knows. But I think something changed and her "take it slow" line is a nice way of letting me down.

 

OTOH, she is driving 45 minutes out of her way to have a game night with me and meet my brother and sister-in-law this weekend. So that encourages me that MAYBE she truly meant what she said. I really don't know, and probably shouldn't read into things at this point. Just schedule meet ups and take it one step at a time.

 

We haven't talked on the phone yet, FTR. Maybe I should call her at some point. I kind of feel weird and uncomfortable at the idea of that, and I'm not sure if that will make her feel like I'm pressuring her. I guess for now I'll stick to the occasional texting and the weekly hang outs. Yes, she lives about an hour from where I live, so it is a semi-long distance "relationship."

 

Anyway, I am keeping my hopes in check. I do like her, but still getting to know her and acknowledge at this point in time it's entirely possible that I like the IDEA of liking her more than her herself... if that makes sense. I do find myself developing deeper feelings for her though with each passing date.

 

She left a crack open in the window. I guess all I can do now is put my best foot forward while not pressuring her too much, and hope for the very best. And accept what will come, and accept however the chips fall.

 

She's conservative, but I really do believe if she REALLY liked me that she wouldn't be so quick to be in a "take it slow" mind state. Certainly not when I went to hold her hand on the 4th date after we snuggled and kissed on the 3rd date. But, I could drive myself crazy trying to read between the lines. It is what it is. I will do my best, and be myself. If it isn't enough for her, then it's not meant to be.

 

I guess any points you may have, or comments or questions or words of wisdom... maybe something I wrote struck you... I'm all ears. Thank you for reading

[Els]

I wouldn't necessarily jump to conclusions. I know my experience probably isn't the norm, but if someone tried to kiss me by date 3 I would tell them I wanted to take things slower. Because it's not the norm in my culture to kiss by date 3 - couples tend to date for a couple of months before kissing there. Of course, in some cultures people think kissing by Date 3 is too slow. It really depends on her upbringing (you said she was conservative?) and culture.

 

Of course it's possible she is losing interest, but if she is such a great match surely it is worth the risk to carry on and see what happens? Also, if she's driving 45 minutes to YOU, I think it's safe to say she is invested in some form or another.

 

That being said, with the exception of the fireworks date, the list of dates so far sounds slightly unromantic to me. No offense, that's just how I'm seeing it. Going to a meetup group together, game night (with other people), hanging out together at home - that's what platonic buddies do. There's absolutely nothing wrong with a couple doing all that (and in fact I do think Rs work best if both of you can be great friends as well as lovers), but you really should try and have some romantic dates in ADDITION to that, y'know? Ask her out to dinner and book a romantic restaurant! Go out on a picnic together. Take her to a museum or the beach or an art display - just the two of you. Go for brunch at a hip cafe and stroll the streets together.

 

My suggestion would be that you try and plan the above sort of dates.

Edited July 18, 2016 by Elswyth

[Poutrew]

To me it sounds like she has no enthusiasm for you . She is bowing to the social pressure her parents are putting her under to like you enough to marry you . The clue is when you tried to hold her hand and she said 'What are you doing?' I bet you only got to date #3 because she is still living home, and mum & pops are already naming their grandkids... other wise you would have been ghosted by now. Her not even texting you is further proof. See, if a girl is feeling chemistry, she would show it, ever so subtly. Otherwise she would be acting like a dead fish. Buddy, you are dating a Salmon...sorry. Limit your losses and find another fishey to play with.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I don't believe that she is just taking things slow. Her choice of dates (with other people) and the way she acts towards you (pecks, non responsive to hand holding) show that she is not attracted to you. The way anyone reacts when there is chemistry, even with taking things slow can't be missed. Your body just kind of responds instinctively.

 

This how I would read the situation: lots of women after 30 are under huge amounts of pressure from both, family and society to get married. If they don't, they are seen as outcasts and failures. She is most likely there and trying to force herself to like you. I mean, she probably likes you as a person, is comfortable in hanging out with you but is not physically attracted.

 

Given her taking it slow comment, I would read that she is still trying but not feeling it at this point. It's up to you if you want to keep seeing someone that's not attracted to you (I wouldn't).

[phineas]

I take it op isn't in the U.S.?

 

Either way op, women want a guy other women want.

It really is that simple.

If this woman is your best chance at a GF then i'm gonna say your chances are not good here.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I would like to see pictures of OP and this girl. I'm wondering if they are in different leagues looks wise.

[clia]

It's really hard to say whether she lost interest or whether the interest was never really there, but she gave you extra chances since her parents like you. But it sure sounds like something changed for her by the end of "date" 4. I mean, you have been taking it slow. Very slow. Did you end up texting her between your third and fourth dates? What do you know about her relationship history?

 

She may have wanted to see how you would conduct yourself in a group setting like the Meetup event. Were you social, did you talk to other people, etc.? While I agree that maybe a Meetup event isn't totally ideal for a date, my husband and I went to one on our fifth date and had a blast. It just depends on the nature of the event and the people involved. Was it a happy hour or dinner type event? Was it fun?

 

But I don't know, it seems like you never really got any momentum going with her, and I got the impression from your posts that you seemed to be riding along on the strength of her parents liking you, rather than whole heartedly dating her. You just seemed (at least from what you've posted) kind of passive about the whole thing. She had to ask you out a couple times, you didn't ask her out for the weekend nights, your dates were separated by a week or more, you never called her, etc., and as Els pointed out, other than the July 4 date (which she initiated), the dates just didn't seem that romantic. And you are piling on that with the game night with your brother. I don't care how long your parents have known her parents and all that. It's just too soon to be doing these family bonding type date events, before you have even fully established a one on one connection with her. But you've already planned it, so what's done is done. Just see how it goes.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Just curious, but are you of a conservative culture? Indian?

[smackie9]

If you are not crawling all over each other by the 4th date then it ain't gonna really go any further than friendship at this point.

[Redhead14]

Just a quick recap to speed everyone up. Jen is a family friend whose parents are good friends with my parents. Her parents want me to marry her even before meeting me. They lived far away until 3 months ago when they moved closer to where I live. Hence why I never met Jen before until last month. FTR, I'm 32 and she is 30.

 

Our first meeting in early June was all six of us. Yes, I know it's a very unusual situation. I met the parents already and she met mine. Well, that was easy. It's not an arranged marriage, but a highly favored one (only if we fall in love). We kind of hit it off on that first meeting. We talked pretty naturally to one another given the circumstances (the parents talked with one another while Jen and I talked on the other end of the sofa).

 

At the end of that evening I got her cell number. The next day she texts me nice to meet me. I set up a lunch date.

 

Our 2nd date was a very fun impromptu 4th of July date. It was by far the most exciting of our 4 dates, and the one where I felt we bonded the most. I brought a beach towel that she used to cover up during the fireworks. I wanted to put my arm around her shoulder but I psyched myself out. I wanted to kiss her at the end of date #2 but chickened out.

 

3rd date she came over with wine (on her own accord) and we cooked dinner together. Then we watched a movie where we snuggled (and made real physical contact for the first time). I put my arm around her shoulder and she leaned in. At one point she even placed her head on my shoulder.

 

I walk her to my door and I hugged her. Somehow I felt her lips on my cheek (so I think she thought I was going for the kiss when I was going for the hug first). I then kissed her on her cheek. We pulled apart and we kissed. A half second peck. Honestly, it was more awkward than magical. But I was happy because I got to kiss her and I didn't want to leave the 3rd date NOT having kissed her.

 

After she leaves, I receive a text from her 15 minutes later (so basically she sent it to me right after she got home). She said she had fun and invited me out to this meet up type event.

 

That event took place last night.

 

In-between the 3rd and 4th date, there was ZERO communication about the kiss. She didn't bring it up nor did I. So going into the 4th date last night it was slightly awkward. She is currently living at home (don't worry, she has a high paying job but is VERY family oriented -- she can move out at any time but right now wishes to be with her family). I didn't hug her because I felt it would be weird doing that in front of her parents. I walked her out to my car and drove her to this meetup event.

 

In hindsight it was more of a hang out than a date. It was a bit naturally awkward in er, nature. Meetup events after all aren't ideal date nights. I didn't know anyone and she knew a few people. It was reasonably OK but honestly I wished we did something else that involved just the two of us.

 

During the event I felt unsure of myself and so chose not to do any PDA. We weren't boyfriend girlfriend and I didn't know how she feels about PDA. So I attempted nothing. At the end of the evening we walk back to my car and as I'm driving, I get the idea to hold her hand.

 

She was in the middle of talking when I went to hold her hand.

 

This caught her completely off guard. She paused her story, and said "What are you doing?" It didn't sound like a playful joke. I couldn't think of anything cute or witty to say like in the movies. Instead, like a real life idiot, I go "Holding your hand."

 

This was followed by the world's most awkward 20-25 second silence. She didn't finish her story, and I went completely brain dead. I just drove holding her hand, and she just sat there. We both stared ahead into the darkness that laid before us on this long 3 mile stretch of a road.

 

Eventually we started talking again (lol) while I held her hand. About 2 minutes away from her house she asked me if I had the pamphlet from the meetup. I knew it was sort of her cue to tell me to let go of her hand, lol. So I did, grabbed the pamphlet and gave it to her.

 

Walking her to her door, she had her hands full. She had her phone, her charger, her drink, etc. She and I talked a bit. She was unlocking her door and I saw that she was looking at me. For better or worse, I decided to lean in for our second kiss. It wasn't much different from our first kiss, which disappointed me. I figured it would be a little longer and a little more affectionate than a one second kiss. She smiled at me after the kiss but I wasn't sure if it was more of an "eek!" smile or a happy smile, lol.

 

I drove home that night feeling like a part of me died. The night didn't go super well, and certainly the events to conclude the night left me feeling like she just saw me as a friend.

 

She didn't text me either, which I saw as a further bad sign. No "Had fun tonight, thanks for coming out! :)" kind of text. I figured if she really liked me, she would have sent something similar. Yes, she may be conservative, but even a conservative girl will let a guy know how she feels if she likes him that much.

 

So I get the feeling she's somewhere between "just friends" and "slightly interested but definitely not blown away."

 

I didn't get a text from her today (the day after) so I sent her one. Rather than ask her how she feels about us, or me, or anything like that (i.e. questions that's sure to place me firmly in the "just friends" category), I thought I change it up a bit and so I went for this:

 

"About last night, was I moving too fast? Sorry if I am!"

 

Her reply: "No worries but I do like to take things slow. Hope you can respect that."

 

I followed up with totally respect that.

 

Then we planned a little game night. We're having a game night this weekend where she'll meet my brother and sister-in-law. She knows she's going to meet them, and she likes game nights.

 

So basically, I think she might have stretched the truth a little bit when she said she wants to take things slowly. I could be totally wrong, but my gut says she's trying to save face for both of us, and possibly is hoping I naturally lose interest and fade out over the course of the rest of this summer.

 

She didn't close the door completely on me though, so I will continue to invite her out to various events until I get a definite no. Maybe she does like me but really does want to take it slow.

 

The only thing is, snuggling on the 3rd date... and a first kiss... that seemed fine. Suddenly holding hands in private and a second kiss on the 4th date is moving too fast? My gut tells me somehow, someway, she lost interest in me after that 3rd date. Maybe it was me, maybe it was her, who knows. But I think something changed and her "take it slow" line is a nice way of letting me down.

 

OTOH, she is driving 45 minutes out of her way to have a game night with me and meet my brother and sister-in-law this weekend. So that encourages me that MAYBE she truly meant what she said. I really don't know, and probably shouldn't read into things at this point. Just schedule meet ups and take it one step at a time.

 

We haven't talked on the phone yet, FTR. Maybe I should call her at some point. I kind of feel weird and uncomfortable at the idea of that, and I'm not sure if that will make her feel like I'm pressuring her. I guess for now I'll stick to the occasional texting and the weekly hang outs. Yes, she lives about an hour from where I live, so it is a semi-long distance "relationship."

 

Anyway, I am keeping my hopes in check. I do like her, but still getting to know her and acknowledge at this point in time it's entirely possible that I like the IDEA of liking her more than her herself... if that makes sense. I do find myself developing deeper feelings for her though with each passing date.

 

She left a crack open in the window. I guess all I can do now is put my best foot forward while not pressuring her too much, and hope for the very best. And accept what will come, and accept however the chips fall.

 

She's conservative, but I really do believe if she REALLY liked me that she wouldn't be so quick to be in a "take it slow" mind state. Certainly not when I went to hold her hand on the 4th date after we snuggled and kissed on the 3rd date. But, I could drive myself crazy trying to read between the lines. It is what it is. I will do my best, and be myself. If it isn't enough for her, then it's not meant to be.

 

I guess any points you may have, or comments or questions or words of wisdom... maybe something I wrote struck you... I'm all ears. Thank you for reading

 

when I went to hold her hand.

 

This caught her completely off guard. She paused her story, and said "What are you doing?"

This was followed by the world's most awkward 20-25 second silence.

 

So given the fact that it was pretty clear she didn't even want to hold hands, you decided it was a good idea to try to kiss her and expect it to be more passionate too?

 

The only thing is, snuggling on the 3rd date... and a first kiss... that seemed fine. Suddenly holding hands in private and a second kiss on the 4th date is moving too fast? -- It's always sudden to the other person, but for whatever reason, she didn't want to go "there" again f and basically was telling you that now by letting you know she didn't even want to hold hands. The message was there, you just didn't receive it. And, this line of thinking goes along with the attitude that just because a woman did X and X on such and such date, she is somehow obligated to keep doing it.

 

Sit back and let this play out. Reach out lightly one more time and guage her response. If she's less than enthusiastic or isn't responding timely or at all, move on.

[True Gent]

This is my 2 pennies worth as I see it.

 

If you are attempting to date this girl you need to do just that (date). All of these social occasions and meeting family members is not dating, you aren't getting to know each other one to one. If anything the family situation sounds like nothing but pressure when you haven't even spent any time together properly yet.

 

When you had the one date where you were snuggling, that's the time you should of went for the kiss. Not at the end of the date, you've missed the ideal opportunity by then. It's too awkward and there are mixed messages by then.

 

If she was being receptive to you on the sofa that was you sign to go for it. I'm not at all saying you should of leapt on top of her, but it was the perfect time to make your intentions known as being interested and having the confidence to let her know you were. It's at that point where you would of found out where you actually stand and you wouldn't be second guessing like you are now. You'd know how she felt right there and then.

 

I think going from what you've said and the kinds of occasions you've had together so far, it's not going to progress into anything romantic. You have to just accept that and don't be so eager to get attached so early.

 

I wish you well.

[LostOne08]

For everyone asking about culture/country, I am going to assume the OP is in the US. That is just based on the fact that one of their dates was a July 4/fireworks date. I don't know many countries outside of the US that celebrate Independence Day. There are a few, but not many.

 

Anyway, I think this is going south on you quickly OP. But, I don't know that it's completely beyond salvageable. A poster above mentioned that she has initiated almost all of these dates. Is that true? If so, I'd say you needed to be more proactive at the beginning stages and you needed to pursue more. That would've communicated your interest in her, even if you didn't kiss until the 3rd date. You hardly ever asking her out, taking her on low key hangouts with other people, and never calling her doesn't communicate any interest in her. Kissing her and trying to be affectionate is good, but maybe (I don't believe this, but it's possible) you going from perceived low interest level in her to more physical activity might have been too much, too fast.

 

I think the more likely scenario is she lost interest or it never was there. As mentioned, you guys were set up and basically forced together by your families. You likened it to an arranged marriage. There's a lot of pressure there for this to work out. If she's not feeling it, she has to have some pretty solid ground to explain why it didn't work out to her folks since they're expecting this to work. I want to ask, has she been single for awhile at this point or did she just get out of a relationship? How is she on your dates? Does she communicate any interest in you beyond telling you she had a great time after those first few dates?

 

In any event, I'd back off a little and see what she does if you still want to pursue this. I think another family event (the game night) is a bad idea. I would call (not text) her asap and cancel that and ask if she wants to go to dinner (alone) sometime soon after. Make a definite date and see if she balks. You'll have your answer then. Otherwise, pull back and see if she comes forward. If she does, you can continue to escalate things from there.

Edited July 18, 2016 by LostOne08

[Teknoe]

Couple things:

 

I should have kissed her on the couch. But the movie ended unexpectedly for me and completely caught me off guard

 

Going for a second kiss after the hand holding... I just wanted to take decisive action and didn't want to come across as wishy washy

 

I do live in the US and we're both Vietnamese American. Both born in the US.

 

I should probably start calling her. Short calls talking about days

 

Too late to cancel game night now. She told me she wants to do it and that she hasn't done a game night in forever. I will stick to it. Maybe talk with her briefly privately after game night in her car, or set up the next activity date (she loves roller coasters so I think that would be fun)

 

I was social at the meet up but it's really not my thing. I thought I fared ok but didn't do anything to make her attraction to grow (life of the party for example). It was a nature event with two speech presentations

 

Her birthday is next month and I am going to snail mail her a card

 

My plan is to proceed slowly. And zero expectations. Will be keeping my eyes open for other girls to date because her actions tell her it's going to be an uphill battle.

[Lansing]

My suggestion... Too really take things "slowly" in your head. By saying this, I don't mean "physically".. Maybe you are both inexperienced with dating and that is why the kisses aren't turning out great to you. When you kiss her does she look away or does she look for more? I was dating this one girl and I went in for the kiss and she pulled away.... I never had that happen before and she apologized right after for making things "akward". I went in for another kiss a few minutes later and it went much better. I think there is a certain amount of pressure waiting till the end of the date too.

 

When I say take things "Slowly" I mean don't build things up in your head. I see things like you saying her birthday is next month and you are already thinking of sending her a birthday car in the mail, etc. Don't think so far ahead. If you guys go out on dates then go and and enjoy them. I have a feeling that you anxiety is coming across. When someone mentioned your text to her about ordering pasta and then wanting wine half way through seemed "weird" you got pretty defensive.... Did that hit a spot with you? I didn't realize the context of it as well so I was wondering why you said that but once you explained the call back I understood it better.

 

Personally, I think you need to focus on other things and not worry so much about what this girl thinks/doesn't think of you. I know the feeling of getting into your own head but part of it is to not focus too much energy on this one person.

[LostOne08]

I wouldn't start calling her to chat about your days for a couple of reasons:

 

1) If she really has lost interest, the last thing she wants to do is have phone conversations. Calling and initiating small talk isn't going to reattract her.

 

And 2) If she hasn't lost interest, calling for small talk puts you at somewhat of a disadvantage at this stage of the game. What are you going to do at the inevitable breaks in the conversation? Will it be awkward? And, you're taking away your own ammunition for dates. If you discuss everything during these phone calls, what are you going to have left to talk about on your dates?

 

I'm a big proponent of using the phone for exclusively setting up dates in the early stages. I won't ever text a woman to ask her out, at the most I will text as a courtesy to ask when she'll be available by phone and let her know I'll call her then. Then, I'll call her, ask her out on a date maybe small talk and get off the phone. You can save the conversation for the actual date, and the daily calls about how your days went for when you're in a relationship.

[Teknoe]

My suggestion... Too really take things "slowly" in your head. By saying this, I don't mean "physically".. Maybe you are both inexperienced with dating and that is why the kisses aren't turning out great to you. When you kiss her does she look away or does she look for more? I was dating this one girl and I went in for the kiss and she pulled away.... I never had that happen before and she apologized right after for making things "akward". I went in for another kiss a few minutes later and it went much better. I think there is a certain amount of pressure waiting till the end of the date too.

 

When I say take things "Slowly" I mean don't build things up in your head. I see things like you saying her birthday is next month and you are already thinking of sending her a birthday car in the mail, etc. Don't think so far ahead. If you guys go out on dates then go and and enjoy them. I have a feeling that you anxiety is coming across. When someone mentioned your text to her about ordering pasta and then wanting wine half way through seemed "weird" you got pretty defensive.... Did that hit a spot with you? I didn't realize the context of it as well so I was wondering why you said that but once you explained the call back I understood it better.

 

Personally, I think you need to focus on other things and not worry so much about what this girl thinks/doesn't think of you. I know the feeling of getting into your own head but part of it is to not focus too much energy on this one person.

 

 

Thank you for this, especially the last part. I'm starting to do that. I've been going to the gym 4x a week for a year now but just recently picked up playing basketball again, a passion of mine from when I was kid up through my mid 20s. I played 5 on 5 full court with 9 strangers at a local park yesterday and all that running and teamwork got my mind off matters. I bought a ball and am planning to play more frequently now. Also taking up cooking a bit more seriously than ever before in my life. And I go back to work in 3 weeks... am also starting to fish for a studio apartment. So, got some things going on that revolve outside of her or "romantic interests." I do need more variety and experience in my life to keep myself from overthinking.

 

I'm sure my anxiety showed on the last two dates with her. I will try to be myself more and relax, and stop focusing on the kiss or doing things to move the relationship forward. Rather, to let it naturally unfold, whichever way it goes.

 

 

 

I wouldn't start calling her to chat about your days for a couple of reasons:

 

1) If she really has lost interest, the last thing she wants to do is have phone conversations. Calling and initiating small talk isn't going to reattract her.

 

And 2) If she hasn't lost interest, calling for small talk puts you at somewhat of a disadvantage at this stage of the game. What are you going to do at the inevitable breaks in the conversation? Will it be awkward? And, you're taking away your own ammunition for dates. If you discuss everything during these phone calls, what are you going to have left to talk about on your dates?

 

I'm a big proponent of using the phone for exclusively setting up dates in the early stages. I won't ever text a woman to ask her out, at the most I will text as a courtesy to ask when she'll be available by phone and let her know I'll call her then. Then, I'll call her, ask her out on a date maybe small talk and get off the phone. You can save the conversation for the actual date, and the daily calls about how your days went for when you're in a relationship.

 

Good call, pardon the pun. In hindsight I believe in this and will apply it. I do believe the phone is used to set up the next meeting mostly. If she wants to take it slowly, then no phone calls. I'll let her pace the relationship. Doesn't mean I won't initiate dates, but I'll follow her body language and her cues as best as I can.

 

In the meantime, I'm staying busy to live a happy and productive life.

 

Yesterday I was out all day for the first Sunday in a while. I'm usually a big homebody, but yesterday I was out of the house from 10:45-7:45 and it felt so refreshing.

 

10:45-12:30 church service (first time going in forever, I even got prayer for my situation)

 

12:30-2:30 Lunch with my brother and sister in law. Had a good talk with them about this

 

3-4:30 Coffee with two friends of mine who are engaged to be married. Old friends who listened to my situation and gave me their 2 cents

 

5-7:30 at the park playing pick up basketball with random strangers. Not thinking of her at all. Great to clear my head.

 

I've always loved playing basketball. It's one of the places where I can truly clear my head. I'm looking forward to playing more

[ChickiePops]

You're not going to contact her until next month, and you're going to do it with a snail mail birthday card (with all the ways we have to contact people, you are choosing one that she can't actually respond to). You could EASILY give her that card IN PERSON if you take her to a birthday dinner!

 

There's slow and then there's painfully, unimaginably, embarrassingly slow. Your technique appears to be the latter.

 

If I were her I'd think you weren't interested at all at this point, and I'd DEFINITELY have lost interest in you.

 

FFS just call her and take her out to dinner this weekend!

[Teknoe]

You're not going to contact her until next month, and you're going to do it with a snail mail birthday card (with all the ways we have to contact people, you are choosing one that she can't actually respond to). You could EASILY give her that card IN PERSON if you take her to a birthday dinner!

 

There's slow and then there's painfully, unimaginably, embarrassingly slow. Your technique appears to be the latter.

 

If I were her I'd think you weren't interested at all at this point, and I'd DEFINITELY have lost interest in you.

 

FFS just call her and take her out to dinner this weekend!

 

I don't think you read my replies correctly. I am seeing her this Saturday. I'll ask her out to another outing for next time.

 

I will offer to take her out for her bday and give her the card in person. Thought of that after my last reply.

[Dis]

Anyway, I am keeping my hopes in check. I do like her, but still getting to know her and acknowledge at this point in time it's entirely possible that I like the IDEA of liking her more than her herself... if that makes sense. I do find myself developing deeper feelings for her though with each passing date.

 

Hi Tek! I'm so sorry things kind of took a left turn with this girl hun. I mean, I know many girls like to take things slow...for example, I wont have sex outside a relationship...but she seems to like to take things awfully slow...painfully slow. Its almost like she was offended by you holding her hand...like it was painful for her.

 

I think something may have shifted in her mind after the 3rd date. Sometimes when shifts happen like this...it usually means the beginning of the end...just speaking from experience.

 

^^^And the bold above ^^^ I think your spot on there. I dont think shes giving you much of anything...I dont think she's really sparking your intrest...I dont think your counting down the days until you see her next...or day dreaming about her...all the normal feelings and things you that happen when you're first dating someone. I think you know that your more excited about the idea of having someone to date...than actually dating her. Dont get me wrong...I've been there

 

I'm glad you're focusing on other things...keeping yourself busy. I think she kind of dominated your thoughts for awhile (been there too). But if you really look at the situtation objectively...I dont think you're all that into her...and I dont think she's all that into you

 

I get that you want to give it time and see how it plays out...but if I were you...I wouldnt settle for a lukewarm girl or lukewarm feelings on both sides.

 

You said your feelings are becoming deeper for her as every date passes. I dont know that thats the case. I just think you're becoming more and more invested and you're mistaking that investment for deep, romantic feelings

 

You're a great guy and I just dont want you to settle for a girl that's not really feeling you. Dont want you to settle for a girl that you're not really feeling either

 

So keep taking time for yourself...keep busy...and maybe start to look at this more logically.

 

Keep us updated hun!!!

Edited July 19, 2016 by Disillusionment373