After 4 dates, my lady friend told me she wants to take it slow

[xxoo]

It's no mystery why the fireworks date was the most successful. It was a fun date! The other dates have been bore-fests.

 

Show her a good time. Take her out, wine her and dine her. Give her a reason to dress up and feel great. Enough dates with family and others! The best date was just the two of you, doing something fun and interesting. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

[Els]

Too late to cancel game night now. She told me she wants to do it and that she hasn't done a game night in forever. I will stick to it. Maybe talk with her briefly privately after game night in her car, or set up the next activity date (she loves roller coasters so I think that would be fun)

 

You don't have to cancel game night, especially if she suggested it. But you should ALSO plan a romantic date for after that... and have it all planned, not "So... where you wanna go next weekend?".

 

And yes, glad you saw sense with the birthday mail thing. Do as much as you possibly can in person! Birthday mail is for LDR couples. You guys aren't a LDR couple.

[BaileyB]

Best dates are always dates when you do something fun together - share an interesting experience. Talking on the phone, talking on dates (ie dinner) are hard dates early in a relationship. Best to text only to set up dates - or at least minimal texting. It gives you more to talk about when you see each other.

 

And may I say, I would encourage you to try and stay in the moment. Get out of your head and just focus on the date, and whether you enjoy your time together enough to go out again. You seem, based on your posts, that you are in your head A LOT... Over analyzing every little detail. Dates are supposed to be fun, and there is so much that is out of your control. You have to go with the flow and know that there is so much uncertainty early in a relationship. I appreciate your desire for things to go well and your attempts to encourage things to go well... But, you have to deal with your anxiety and live in the moment.

 

Best of luck.

[Teknoe]

Best dates are always dates when you do something fun together - share an interesting experience. Talking on the phone, talking on dates (ie dinner) are hard dates early in a relationship. Best to text only to set up dates - or at least minimal texting. It gives you more to talk about when you see each other.

 

And may I say, I would encourage you to try and stay in the moment. Get out of your head and just focus on the date, and whether you enjoy your time together enough to go out again. You seem, based on your posts, that you are in your head A LOT... Over analyzing every little detail. Dates are supposed to be fun, and there is so much that is out of your control. You have to go with the flow and know that there is so much uncertainty early in a relationship. I appreciate your desire for things to go well and your attempts to encourage things to go well... But, you have to deal with your anxiety and live in the moment.

 

Best of luck.

 

Yup fully agreed. I always get in my head after the first couple meetings. I think after game night I will try to nail down a definite date for a day at the amusement park. She enjoys rides and that should be fun for both of us.

[Els]

For everyone asking about culture/country, I am going to assume the OP is in the US. That is just based on the fact that one of their dates was a July 4/fireworks date. I don't know many countries outside of the US that celebrate Independence Day. There are a few, but not many.

 

Culture isn't just defined by which country you are currently living in though. First- and oftentimes even second-generation immigrants can bring some of their own culture with them. When you add religion into the mix, it changes things up even more. It depends on how they were brought up, really.

 

Teknoe, I don't know where in the spectrum your lady friend lies as far as conservatism and Asian culture vs American culture goes, but as an Asian woman I can say that most of the time when we say we want to 'take things slow', we don't mean 'less contact/dates'. What we mean is slow down with the physical intimacy. Also, I know phone calls get a bad rap in the US, but in Asian culture it is very, very normal for dating couples to chat on the phone in between dates. Your call, but just putting an alternative viewpoint out there.

[ChickiePops]

Please make a move this weekend. Please?

[BaileyB]

Yup fully agreed. I always get in my head after the first couple meetings. I think after game night I will try to nail down a definite date for a day at the amusement park. She enjoys rides and that should be fun for both of us.

 

Spoken by someone who does the same thing sometimes... You just have to make peace with the fact that dating and relationships are always uncertain, especially in the beginning. Don't worry so much, just try to have fun and stay in the moment. Trust me, this is WAY more attractive to a girl than a guy who overanalyzes every little thing...

[LostOne08]

Culture isn't just defined by which country you are currently living in though. First- and oftentimes even second-generation immigrants can bring some of their own culture with them. When you add religion into the mix, it changes things up even more. It depends on how they were brought up, really.

 

Teknoe, I don't know where in the spectrum your lady friend lies as far as conservatism and Asian culture vs American culture goes, but as an Asian woman I can say that most of the time when we say we want to 'take things slow', we don't mean 'less contact/dates'. What we mean is slow down with the physical intimacy. Also, I know phone calls get a bad rap in the US, but in Asian culture it is very, very normal for dating couples to chat on the phone in between dates. Your call, but just putting an alternative viewpoint out there.

 

Fair point and one that I fully concede. That wasn't the point I was attempting to make, though. Someone was asking where OP was geographically and my only point was that I was operating under the assumption that he was from the US based on the fact they had gone on a 4th of July date with fireworks. I was not trying to make the point that this had any impact on his culture. Again, just trying to point out where I believed OP was geographically in light of someone having asked that question.

 

Anyway, OP, sounds like you've gotten a lot of sound advice in this thread and a lot of differing opinions. I think taking your mind off the situation and letting things progress naturally is great advice and a good practice. Whatever you decide to do, though, I think it's key to remember that your interactions over the phone should carry the agenda of setting up the next date. I also think it's true that you need to set up more intimate and romantic settings with her, which is why your 4th of July date went so well compared to the others. Lastly, when you're out on your next date with her, I'd communicate that you are romantically interested in her. Ideally, this would be with physical interaction, but if she's uncomfortable with that, you might have to have a discussion about what she means by "taking it slow" and what you both want to get out of seeing each other and go from there.

[Teknoe]

Fair point and one that I fully concede. That wasn't the point I was attempting to make, though. Someone was asking where OP was geographically and my only point was that I was operating under the assumption that he was from the US based on the fact they had gone on a 4th of July date with fireworks. I was not trying to make the point that this had any impact on his culture. Again, just trying to point out where I believed OP was geographically in light of someone having asked that question.

 

Anyway, OP, sounds like you've gotten a lot of sound advice in this thread and a lot of differing opinions. I think taking your mind off the situation and letting things progress naturally is great advice and a good practice. Whatever you decide to do, though, I think it's key to remember that your interactions over the phone should carry the agenda of setting up the next date. I also think it's true that you need to set up more intimate and romantic settings with her, which is why your 4th of July date went so well compared to the others. Lastly, when you're out on your next date with her, I'd communicate that you are romantically interested in her. Ideally, this would be with physical interaction, but if she's uncomfortable with that, you might have to have a discussion about what she means by "taking it slow" and what you both want to get out of seeing each other and go from there.

 

Thanks for the feedback.

 

Our next get together is a game night. I told her on our 2nd meeting last month that my brother occasionally hosts game nights, and that she's welcomed to join us. She responded favorably, saying that she loves games and hasn't had a game night in some time.

 

We're having a game night this weekend and she's coming to that. It will be her first time meeting my brother and sister in law. I could invite my cousins (in their mid 20s) too to make it a bigger game night, but I like the intimacy of a 4 person game night especially with this being her first time. I don't want her to feel overwhelmed.

 

After game night I plan to walk her to her car to set up a real date. I'm thinking a day at the amusement park, because she told me she loves roller coasters. Because I'm on summer break, and because she gets the random Monday or Tuesday off, I think it'd be fun to head out to the amusement park and ride all the roller coasters. Being a weekday it should also reduce line wait time, so that would be nice.

 

Following the (hopeful) momentum of such a date, I would then talk to her about my interest in her, and to seek clarification on where she stands. I was thinking of doing this after game night, but I think it's better to simply ask her out on a real date, create some good memories THERE, build up some momentum again and then address the elephant in the room in a GENTLE way. I do like her, but I also have to stand up for myself and seek clarification on what she means by taking things slowly. For example, if she said it just to save face (i.e. she doesn't really see romantic potential in me) then I rather know sooner than later, out of courtesy and respect.

 

So that's my general plan for now. I'll try to stay loose and in the moment from now on, but yes, I do have a mental road map in my mind, and I think that's healthy right? It's not overthinking, it's having a plan

[joseb]

I didn't read all the posts.

 

Regarding the texts, it's a little unfortunate but in of itself shouldn't be a big deal. Don't keep on about it. If you keep apologising and making a big deal she will think it is weird.

 

Where you went wrong is not making a move given many opportunities. You say she "knows you are interested cause you are on a date" well by the same logic, you know she is interested. So what are you waiting for?

 

If you get another gilt edged opportunity, you need to take it. Or create one.

What's the worst that will happen? She will reject you. So you know not to waste any more time.

[Lansing]

 

So that's my general plan for now. I'll try to stay loose and in the moment from now on, but yes, I do have a mental road map in my mind, and I think that's healthy right? It's not overthinking, it's having a plan

 

Personally I don't think it is a good idea to ask where you stand. There is no reason to ask that or discuss that at this point. If she is still accepting dates from you she is likely interested. It can make it awkward to have a "conversation" like that at this point.

[TheFinalWord]

I think you are over-analyzing too much. You have every minute detailed like a heist on fort Knox.

 

If you can try to just go with the flow a bit. She says you moved to fast, but she seems to be interested in continuing seeing you (though I personally wouldn't have recommended a group date unless you are gf/bf). I recommend just go with the flow. I'm not sure you holding her hand was that big of a big deal to her, especially if she let you kiss her. It was probably your timing. If she's right in the middle of a random sentence and you go for her hand, it was probably just awkward. Try not to sike yourself up that you have to at phase x by date x. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't. She knows you like her, so just roll with it if you can. Don't purposely be cold, but don't be overanxious to get physical if the "vibe" isn't there.

 

In the mean time, keep doing those extracurriculars.

[Teknoe]

Personally I don't think it is a good idea to ask where you stand. There is no reason to ask that or discuss that at this point. If she is still accepting dates from you she is likely interested. It can make it awkward to have a "conversation" like that at this point.

 

Hmmm, I think you're right. If she's accepting my dates, and we're clicking and connecting, it will naturally happen. Why bog it down with an awkward DTR (define the relationship)?

[Teknoe]

I think you are over-analyzing too much. You have every minute detailed like a heist on fort Knox.

 

If you can try to just go with the flow a bit. She says you moved to fast, but she seems to be interested in continuing seeing you (though I personally wouldn't have recommended a group date unless you are gf/bf). I recommend just go with the flow. I'm not sure you holding her hand was that big of a big deal to her, especially if she let you kiss her. It was probably your timing. If she's right in the middle of a random sentence and you go for her hand, it was probably just awkward. Try not to sike yourself up that you have to at phase x by date x. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't. She knows you like her, so just roll with it if you can. Don't purposely be cold, but don't be overanxious to get physical if the "vibe" isn't there.

 

In the mean time, keep doing those extracurriculars.

 

Thank you. Agreed.

 

Yes, looking back in hindsight the hand holding was an awkward call on my part because I was too focused on taking a "physical" step following a very "friend-esque" hang out (as opposed to a date). Also, the previous outing we cuddled and kissed. So I was scared that if I didn't do something physical that she might have thought I friend zoned her or got cold feet after getting physical with her the previous outing, if that makes sense.

 

The outing wasn't romantic much, and there was no momentum. So holding her hand, especially in the middle of her talking, was an ill-timed move. I wouldn't do that if I had a mulligan. Still, it happened and at the very least I put my "stamp" on things so to speak. There's no doubt in her mind that I see her in a romantic light. She also didn't pull her hand away or pull away from the 2nd kiss.

 

In any regard, it taught me a lot about timing and reading moments better. I was simply overly anxious. Thankfully, it wasn't a deal breaker for her and she seems to still be interested, bless her heart (lol). Just gotta learn from this and never bring it up to her (unless one day years from now we happen to be happily engaged/married and can laugh back about this, lol)

[TheFinalWord]

Thank you. Agreed.

 

Yes, looking back in hindsight the hand holding was an awkward call on my part because I was too focused on taking a "physical" step following a very "friend-esque" hang out (as opposed to a date). Also, the previous outing we cuddled and kissed. So I was scared that if I didn't do something physical that she might have thought I friend zoned her or got cold feet after getting physical with her the previous outing, if that makes sense.

 

The outing wasn't romantic much, and there was no momentum. So holding her hand, especially in the middle of her talking, was an ill-timed move. I wouldn't do that if I had a mulligan. Still, it happened and at the very least I put my "stamp" on things so to speak. There's no doubt in her mind that I see her in a romantic light. She also didn't pull her hand away or pull away from the 2nd kiss.

 

In any regard, it taught me a lot about timing and reading moments better. I was simply overly anxious. Thankfully, it wasn't a deal breaker for her and she seems to still be interested, bless her heart (lol). Just gotta learn from this and never bring it up to her (unless one day years from now we happen to be happily engaged/married and can laugh back about this, lol)

 

That's okay. I think you're doing good man.

 

Not every date has to be a raving blast imho some of my best dates have been with women I can just talk with for hours (not physical intamacy just hanging out together lol) with no external activity planned.

 

This has been a pretty successful dating experience for you so far. If she likes you those small mistakes aren't going to matter much. Just keep at it bro, if you're not feeling it or getting bored, then you have as much right to "take it slow" as she does.

[Teknoe]

This has been a pretty successful dating experience for you so far. If she likes you those small mistakes aren't going to matter much. Just keep at it bro, if you're not feeling it or getting bored, then you have as much right to "take it slow" as she does.

 

A LOT better than any of my dates in the past 2 years, lol. I don't know how much of it is due to parental pressure on her end, but whatever it is, she's at least giving me a legit chance. Her dad loves me, and she really loves her dad. If she were an online girl, she might have ghosted me by now. So I feel very fortunate about the family friend connection that dates back decades and decades between our two fathers, lol.

[Teknoe]

Heh, forgot to mention this little detail. I was so caught up in the "awkwardness" and the "bad" of the 4th date's closing moments that I forgot about some nice little moments on the 4th date that I'm sure she viewed in a positive light

 

1. When we had to move our chairs from one end of the backyard to the other end, I helped this 62 year old woman out by voluntarily offering to carry her chair

 

2. When a lady was moving an expensive equipment across the yard at the end of the night I took initiative and put the flashlight option on my cell phone to light her way. (The ground was completely dark by this point, and the ground was a very bumpy area). My date was with me and saw this. I'm sure she appreciated my thoughtfulness

 

3. During the last presentation, we had three boys, roughly ages 8-11, sitting right behind me and my date. Rather than listen to the speech, they were playing on a cell phone and VERY loud. I looked at her and she looked at me like "oh boy." I leaned in and whispered "This reminds me of being in a movie theatre behind annoying kids who won't shut up." Made her chuckle.

 

I gave these 3 boys time to cool it down, but 5 minutes later they were still yapping. A lady came to them and I heard her say, "Hey boys, show respect and be quiet."

 

What happens after she walks away? They start yapping again.

 

They were not going to shut up. Asking them to be quiet is setting yourself up for failure. I understood what needed to happen was they had to MOVE. So that way they'll still talk, but then my date and I won't be able to hear them and thus be able to hear the awesome speech that was going on.

 

I remember sitting there thinking of the right words to say. Then at some point I realized I better just turn around and say something, or else I would chicken out. Also remember thinking about her and how the boys were disrespecting my date, the speaker and me... and enough was enough.

 

I turned around and said firmly, "Hey boys, I'm trying to listen to the lady talk but I can't. Can you please move somewhere else?"

 

Part of me was worried that they would have laughed at me or just sat there doing nothing but continue talking. If that happened, I would have looked bad.

 

Thankfully I was firm enough and they were still young enough to take my orders. Not sure had they been teenagers instead of 8-11 years old.

 

They got up and left and my date didn't say "thank you" but she was no doubt relieved they left, and impressed I made a move.

 

After that we could hear the rest of the presentation and it was clearly, for me, the highlight of the night as the speech was very emotional and left me thinking about my own life.

 

So while I look back on the "bad" of the date, there were also some nice moments that happened that I'm sure she took notice of. It's funny how easy it is to overlook the good moments when all one does is focus on the negative.

[WhirlwindGuy]

I think it seems to have went well. You sort of tend to overthink things though don't you? My best advice if you feel nervous or insecure about making physical contact is to just do rather than think. Don't make simple things overly complicated in your mind.

 

For the same reason I would also recommend you kiss her at the first given opportunity during your next date. If you don't, you know you're gonna be thinking about it when riding home and feeling pressure that you need to do it when saying goodbye and it's probably gonna be more awkward than a cute spontaneous move on your part.

 

 

 

I tend to overthink things too sometimes. My latest date, which has been going extremely well so far, was like this. I wanted to kiss her, I think she wanted me to kiss her too...we were talking and mid conversation I just leaned forward and kissed her really quickly on the lips...she smiled and made a comment about that being unexpected...I laughed and said, "sorry the first one can be awkward and I wanted to get it out of the way...the second is always much better!" She laughed and said, "well can we try the second now?" And then we had a much better, really awesome romantic kiss, and she asked for the third right after...

 

 

So it was a really fun way to kind of break that ice. Now, not all girls will go for that one...I think it worked with her because her personality rocks...some may not like it...but I felt like it was a fun and creative way to approach it and overcome that awkwardness...Just gotta go for it.

[Teknoe]

So, following my forced second kiss, and a text message exchange where I asked her if I'm taking it too fast, and she said she likes to take things slow... comes the next chapter.

 

She agreed to a game night with my brother and sister-in-law for later tonight (Saturday). She's driving about 45 minutes out, and meeting my brother and SIL for the first time. I'd assume if she had zero interest in me that she would have found a way out of this invite. Then again, maybe the parental pressure prevents her from outright doing this. Maybe she's going but with the hope for a slow fade on my part. Who knows?

 

At any rate, I had mentioned to her not long ago that there's an event in late July (next weekend) that I would like to check out with her. She said it sounded cool but we never officially booked plans for that late July weekend.

 

Alas, that event sold out yesterday, so I decided to text her the following yesterday (Friday)

 

---

 

Hey you! So, the ___ event sold out was thinking instead we could grab dinner and a movie next weekend. ____ looks good! *includes Yelp link to said restaurant*

 

---

 

Sent that Friday morning.

 

It's now early Saturday morning and I haven't heard back from her yet

 

In fact, I can see when she reads my texts and currently it says "delivered" but no time stamp. That means she has yet to read it. Why, who knows. Is it a good sign? 99% chance it isn't. But I'm trying to stay positive. This can only go one of 3 ways:

 

1. Best case scenario: She got super busy Friday, needed time to herself, ends up texting me "Sorry super busy yesterday. Sounds good for next weekend! See you tonight!"

 

2. Middle ground/most likely: "Sorry super busy yesterday. Unfortunately I am busy next weekend but I'll see you tonight"

 

3. Worst case scenario: "Sorry super busy yesterday. Unfortunately, I'm busy next weekend. Also, so sorry for the last second change, but something came up and so I won't be able to make it tonight. Sorry!"

 

AKA the CANCEL *and* the REJECTION.

 

Now, I'm sure there's a school of thought here that says I messed up asking her out to another date before the next one concludes (i.e. come across needy or desperate) but I figured it was assertiveness, and I figured taking it slow meant physical but not necessarily reducing the dates/outings. Basically I want to keep seeing her until she makes it clear she doesn't want to see me back. If she keeps saying yes, why stop as long as both people are enjoying it?

 

Anyway, I'll find out soon what's going on.

 

She's going to get back to me one way or the other. Hoping for the best but expecting the worst. Probably getting something in-between (i.e. option #2)

[Philosopher]

Hey you! So, the ___ event sold out was thinking instead we could grab dinner and a movie next weekend. ____ looks good! *includes Yelp link to said restaurant*

 

I am afraid I suspect it is more likely to come as needy and that you are desperate for another date with her rather than assertive to ask someone out for date before the next one has concluded. Also it may be too early for her to be thinking about what to do for the weekend before the previous one has even started. So I suspect you will get some non committal reply or she will say she is busy. It would have been better to wait until a day or two after Saturday's date before asking for the next one, that way you would be seen as assertive not needy.

[Teknoe]

I am afraid I suspect it is more likely to come as needy and that you are desperate for another date with her rather than assertive to ask someone out for date before the next one has concluded. Also it may be too early for her to be thinking about what to do for the weekend before the previous one has even started. So I suspect you will get some non committal reply or she will say she is busy. It would have been better to wait until a day or two after Saturday's date before asking for the next one, that way you would be seen as assertive not needy.

 

Quite possibly. My line of thinking was I wanted to ask her out and so I did, regardless of the timing. I figured if she likes me enough she'd be fine with that. If not, then no.

 

Also from my POV I thought it would show confidence that I know game night will go well and that I'd want to spend time with her again. Also felt maybe if she was feeling the same about me that she would appreciate me setting up the next thing so there's less pressure for her to "impress" during game night.

 

Shrug. Might have thought too much, and might have texted the next date too early. Oh well. One thing is for sure, she will let me know soon what's what. And if it breaks "bad" for me, lessons learned and filed for later with the next girl.

[csj77]

There's nothing romantic or giddy in anything that you seem to have done. Or am I misreading?

 

 

I have to say, if I were this lady, I would be bored, just going by what you have said. Everything is calculated and not typically the beginnings of a new relationship.

Is she interested in you beyond the family relationship? You said yourself that were it not for the family connection, she might have disappeared on you.

 

 

Do you actually like her or is she merely a captive audience? Don't you both deserve someone they look forward to seeing and kissing and talking with and not second guessing every unanswered text?

 

 

It doesn't sound like there's any kind of fun.

[clia]

Did you have any other communications with her in the past week (since your last date) other than the texts about moving too fast and your text yesterday? Did you call her?

 

You are now at date five with her. At this point, I see nothing wrong with asking her out for next weekend in advance. Where I think you are potentially going wrong is with your lack of momentum and length of time between dates. Even if she agrees to see you next weekend, you should try to see her mid week as well. I have no idea how things are coming across to her, but your description makes everything seem very forced, formal, and stilted. And as the previous poster said, not fun.

[Teknoe]

Did you have any other communications with her in the past week (since your last date) other than the texts about moving too fast and your text yesterday? Did you call her?

 

You are now at date five with her. At this point, I see nothing wrong with asking her out for next weekend in advance. Where I think you are potentially going wrong is with your lack of momentum and length of time between dates. Even if she agrees to see you next weekend, you should try to see her mid week as well. I have no idea how things are coming across to her, but your description makes everything seem very forced, formal, and stilted. And as the previous poster said, not fun.

 

I asked her about food allergies since I am cooking tonight and that sparked an interesting side conservation mid week. The flow was very natural and fun. She was very responsive on that exchange.

 

Have yet to hear back from her but my text is now marked as read yesterday. If she comes tonight, I will just focus on having FUN. Just hope she doesn't find a reason not to make it out.

[Lansing]

Did she show up?