After 4 dates, my lady friend told me she wants to take it slow

[Moves Like Jagger]

Judging by your past threads, it's not hard to determine why women reject you. A lot of your past threads have this complacent attitude of doing just the minimum. I don't see you taking any chances. I don't see you going the extra mile.

 

I don't think there is that big a difference between your problems versus the train wrecks that you encounter in the Ïn Search Of folders. Luckily for you, you don't blame an entire gender. I think you share with the guys in that folder the major problem that you isolate yourself. You admitted in your past threads that you have a small social circle. Several people warned you about this, but you ignored them. You chose to isolate yourself without asking for anyone's input. You spend your time surfing the Internet and playing games instead of developing your hobbies or trying new things. Instead of flirting with women at parties or bars, you've used online dating as a crutch so that you can avoid the awkwardness of talking to a woman in real life who may or may not like you and who may reject you harshly. I think that you're stunting your personality by staying inside instead of doing crazy, reckless things like going to a Meetup group without a date.

 

The woman who rejected you didn't reject you because you're a teacher or because of your pay. Instead, I think she rejected you because you don't have much passion for life other than staying at home and using the computer. You only go out for work or to hang out with your brother and sister-in-law. You're still living with your parents. I know that she is living with her parents also. However, it's not that hard to tell that someone is living with their parents because of their cultural background versus having limited ambition in life.

 

In none of your threads have you talked about what your passion in life is. My friend's passion in life is photography. On the other hand, you have other guys who find their calling staying inside. You can recognize them pretty quickly because they're really quiet or show very little emotion. They have no opinions. I know I sound snobby saying this, but you can't have an intellectual conversation with these nice guys. They really don't care about fashion or looking good.

 

I remember a video that you or maybe someone else posted several years ago. It showed a good, Asian guy who was trying too hard to impress his girlfriend. He had this edgy Kpop star hairstyle and tried to act too alpha. At the end, he decided it was best to be his beta, nice-guy self. Hate to say it, but women will always pick that "bad-boy" who cares about his appearance and who has genuine opinions any day over the office drone who is asexual for unknown reasons.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Yeah it is kind of rubbing the wrong way that being a teacher equals 'unambitious, at the bare minimum'. Teacher has always been a honorable job, if he said he's a drug dealer or doing shady business - it's a whole other story.

 

I've done the whole PhD route and beyond so if I wanted equally educated man who is my age and doing well financially I've stayed single for eternity

Plus every person who has been in the system knows the best kept secret, i.e. PhDs and other terminal degrees start making money much much later in life coupled with some social issues. I'm saying it with much love towards the PhD path but considering I've done it in a place where I didn't pay a penny for education - we were congratulating each other (fellow PhDs) for having 10-20 K saved in the end of the degree I'm sure a teacher at the same age (say 27-29) has managed to put aside much more than that for the mere fact that they have 5+ more years in the working force by that time.

 

Just to clear up missunderstanding, I wasn't talking about a teacher doing "the bare minimum" and I don't require someone to has a PhD to date them. I was talking in generic terms.

 

I would be happy with someoene that has a Bachelors degree and a career type job. (I can't date someone without a degree, which already rules out around 85% of population where I live).

 

It would be nice if he earned more but it's not a neccesseity.

[Teknoe]

Judging by your past threads, it's not hard to determine why women reject you. A lot of your past threads have this complacent attitude of doing just the minimum. I don't see you taking any chances. I don't see you going the extra mile.

 

I don't think there is that big a difference between your problems versus the train wrecks that you encounter in the Ïn Search Of folders. Luckily for you, you don't blame an entire gender. I think you share with the guys in that folder the major problem that you isolate yourself. You admitted in your past threads that you have a small social circle. Several people warned you about this, but you ignored them. You chose to isolate yourself without asking for anyone's input. You spend your time surfing the Internet and playing games instead of developing your hobbies or trying new things. Instead of flirting with women at parties or bars, you've used online dating as a crutch so that you can avoid the awkwardness of talking to a woman in real life who may or may not like you and who may reject you harshly. I think that you're stunting your personality by staying inside instead of doing crazy, reckless things like going to a Meetup group without a date.

 

The woman who rejected you didn't reject you because you're a teacher or because of your pay. Instead, I think she rejected you because you don't have much passion for life other than staying at home and using the computer. You only go out for work or to hang out with your brother and sister-in-law. You're still living with your parents. I know that she is living with her parents also. However, it's not that hard to tell that someone is living with their parents because of their cultural background versus having limited ambition in life.

 

In none of your threads have you talked about what your passion in life is. My friend's passion in life is photography. On the other hand, you have other guys who find their calling staying inside. You can recognize them pretty quickly because they're really quiet or show very little emotion. They have no opinions. I know I sound snobby saying this, but you can't have an intellectual conversation with these nice guys. They really don't care about fashion or looking good.

 

I remember a video that you or maybe someone else posted several years ago. It showed a good, Asian guy who was trying too hard to impress his girlfriend. He had this edgy Kpop star hairstyle and tried to act too alpha. At the end, he decided it was best to be his beta, nice-guy self. Hate to say it, but women will always pick that "bad-boy" who cares about his appearance and who has genuine opinions any day over the office drone who is asexual for unknown reasons.

 

Wow, nice way to judge me/put me in a box. There is more to me than what you wrote, and I think it's unfair to judge someone completely on their posts alone. I don't reveal everything through my posts.

 

But to answer your question, here are my passions:

 

1. Making a positive difference in my students' lives. I love going to work each day knowing that I am being a positive male role model to my students, especially those without a father figure in their lives.

 

2. Working out. I go to the gym Monday-Thursday nights for an hour. I have two workout buddies (one male one female) which I have formed solid connections with. I love the whole process of working out and interacting with the people there. It's a large group effort where we support one another.

 

3. I do love retro gaming, and am even involved in a book project where I will be sharing some of my gaming stories.

 

4. I love writing and am currently drafting my first novel.

 

5. I love basketball and am looking into joining some kind of league.

[Imajerk17]

Wow, nice way to judge me/put me in a box. There is more to me than what you wrote, and I think it's unfair to judge someone completely on their posts alone. I don't reveal everything through my posts.

 

But to answer your question, here are my passions:

 

1. Making a positive difference in my students' lives. I love going to work each day knowing that I am being a positive male role model to my students, especially those without a father figure in their lives.

 

2. Working out. I go to the gym Monday-Thursday nights for an hour. I have two workout buddies (one male one female) which I have formed solid connections with. I love the whole process of working out and interacting with the people there. It's a large group effort where we support one another.

 

3. I do love retro gaming, and am even involved in a book project where I will be sharing some of my gaming stories.

 

4. I love writing and am currently drafting my first novel.

 

5. I love basketball and am looking into joining some kind of league.

 

Well Teknoe, I for one think you are fine on paper. You're educated, employed in a noble profession, well-intentioned, and you have friends and hobbies many people would find interesting, and you work to improve yourself regularly. All good things.

 

But, all that good stuff just gets your foot in the door. It's not really what attraction is. Meanwhile, the way you handled things with this girl, you moved so slow. You just seemed so unsure of yourself. So what likely happened is that she didn't feel chemistry and she gave her parents some excuse about you not being ambitious enough (to save face especially in front of her dad), and that was that.

 

The answer for you isn't to become more professionally ambitious or pick up even more hobbies or whatnot. Take a look around this forum. Women, smart ambitious women included, fall for guys who have far less going for them than you do. Hell there was a poster who was here quite a long while, I'm not allowed to mention his name, but you posted on his threads a lot. Anyway, he was hardly employed, had what many consider a bad attitude about things, and didn't even have friends really. And yet he still got himself into a Friends-With-Benefits situation. For all his issues, there was at least one woman who was still willing to have sex with him, because he knew how to move things forward in a way that you did not.

 

I think katiegrl (and several other posters on this thread I am sure--I only read OP's posts and skimmed the rest) gave you great advice.

Edited September 27, 2016 by Imajerk17

[Teknoe]

What makes you conclude that she didn't reply due to looks? It could have been something about your profile, including your job...which is still the reason she isn't interested.

 

I tend to think she gave you a chance as a favor to her dad, even though she was skeptical because she's looking for someone who matches her in ambition.

 

The first time we met, she praised me for my profession. She said she respects teachers, and knows that an effective teacher can make a huge difference in a child's life.

 

So I really doubt it's because of that.

 

At any rate, I am about to go on a first date with a new girl an hour from now. I'm happy I'll be meeting someone new -- a fresh start. Already she seems more enthusiastic from this previous girl, and now I can employ all the things I've learned from this previous "relationship" to this new girl. Every dating experience is an opportunity for growth.

 

BTW, she and I have not had contact since our reunion "date" mid-September. All good. I can live with or without her, but at this point she's going to have to reach out if she wants a friendship out of this. Which I think is the healthy way to approach things.

[Teknoe]

Hey everyone,

I'm bumping a year old thread to provide an update on my life. I'm not dense enough to think people care, but this thread was pretty big and I figured an update would be a nice way to wrap a bow on things and let those few posters who may be morbidly curious know how things worked out for me one year later. Also, who knows, maybe you're new to LoveShack and discovering this thread for the first time. If my insights and experience can help remind you of something or even teach you something then it's all worth the bump.

 

So my family friend I dated during the summer of 2016 which was a nutty experience... but one that taught me a lot about myself. The short of it is we haven't spoke in a while. However, my parents told me they recently talked with her parents (they are friends as you may recall). She is still single. Meanwhile, yes, I am in a brand new relationship.

 

The crazy thing is, I met my new GF on 4th of July 2017. I guess there is something about the 4th of July for me and dating, lol. Another crazy thing: all the lessons I learned from the 2016 summer experience... I tweaked and modified it for my 2017 summer experience, and it made a huge difference (well that and most likely because I simply found a more suitable match that dug me as well).

 

I am going to pull some quotes from my 7.27.16 post -- the one where the "dating relationship" between me and the family friend officially ended.

 

After dinner we went to a coffee house where she asked me some pretty deep questions. Everything from 5 year plan to do I want to continue my education beyond a BA degree to my salary to how many kids I want to what kind of father I would be to hardest life lesson I learned as an adult. She also asked me about Brexit and Trump vs. Hillary. It was easy to see why. She has her masters and is very educated. I am educated, but not as well informed as she is in a wide range of matters. My bro mentioned to me post-game night that he thinks we're too different personality wise because I'm more of a big kid at heart while she is very serious and mature. An old soul.

 

Looking back on it, I can't believe she asked for my salary and I gave it to her point blank. My gym friend told me following this that that is not normal and an appropriate question to ask given the circumstances. Also, my brother was right. He hosted game night and after meeting her, he knew she was more on the sophisticated end while I'm more of a kid at heart. While opposites attract, in this sense I always got the feeling I'd do better with someone who is similar to me in that she is a kid at heart too. Not surprisingly, my GF is. I felt it on the first date and while we were riding the ferris wheel, I asked her "You're a kid at heart aren't cha?" and she smiled, saying yeah she kind of is. Already, that's a huge difference between my GF and the family friend. Compatibility.

 

At any rate, things also happen as they're supposed to. We learn lessons and if we don't, we're put in similar positions in the future until we pass said test.

 

Talk about prophetic. One year later, 4th of July... I have a second shot in a very similar situation. Another 4th of July date. Both 2016 and 2017 4th of July dates went well, but this time it was the aftermath that I aced. I wasn't as desperate or clingy in 2017 as I was in 2016. I let things flow naturally. What a big difference that made.

 

Hopefully though, maybe this time next summer I will be in a better place and who knows, maybe even in a flourishing relationship.

 

Ha! I have to admit at the time I'm not sure I fully believed the last part. Having my last girlfriend in late 2004... I was on a crazy single streak. So I hope this encourages you -- a lot can happen in a year. Who knows when it will happen! The key is to always move forward.

 

In the future, as easier said than done as this is, I think I will do my best to refrain from play by plays. Maybe things could have gone differently if I weren't so in my own head, but at the same time it goes back to what I said: we're given similar tests until we're ready to ace them and move onto the next test.

 

Easier said than done indeed but I did it. I avoided posting play by plays because I only got in my own head more. And that was a bad thing. Didn't make any threads about my current GF while we were dating -- it all worked out fine Sometimes (most times?) overanalysis in dating is death by paralysis. If things aren't flowing naturally, then something's amiss.

 

I am a firm believer of life giving us similar tests (in different pairs of pants) until we are ready to ace them. For me, it was the test of not overanalyzing and trusting that being me was good enough, if it's meant to be then it will be.

 

My next test? Trusting my instincts and not run to my friends and the internet to hold my hand at every step of the way. When it clicks it just clicks and flows. I look at my timeline with her from 4th of July to home dinner date compared to post home dinner date and it's easy to see when things were going super well, and when things started to go downhill.

 

Whew, finally passed this test. Finally! But here comes 50 more, lol.

 

This has been a great learning experience for me.

 

It truly was. I went back to reread this topic and some of the things I wrote I could not believe. How dense was I, how naive. In hindsight, I could see this "dating relationship" was doomed fairly early on. I'm glad I have it on record as I can account for the mistakes I made and have since learned from. However, I'm happy I've made enough progress to no longer need to post these play by plays. We all learn as we go. Sometimes we need to document each step of the journey. But right now, my only documentation is in my own head, where it belongs. Sharing every minute detail with others is in some ways unhealthy and only hampers you from being a better partner.

 

Finally, it is crazy how life works. That gun outing my family friend invited me to back in September of 2016? How we showed up and I brought one ear plug pair for myself but not one for my family friend? And the store only sold them, they didn't rent them out. So therefore we couldn't shoot guns. Because that town is actually halfway between me and my GF, we actually went there to shoot guns recently. And this time I had the knowledge to bring TWO pairs of ear plugs. Gave me a funny case of deja vu but that's life. You learn as you go. Anyway, I'm thankful for that summer 2016 experience. It taught me a lot and even though it "failed" I consider it a success. It got me better prepared for my eventual GF when she came into my life one summer later. Everything happens for a reason.

 

I hope this encourages someone out there. You may be single now, and it might even feel hopeless, but hang in there, make the necessary modifications and live your life, love yourself. It's impossible to control when the right match will come along, but it is possible to control how date ready you will be should he or she ever come into the picture.

 

As that age old adage goes, "Success is where preparation and opportunity meet."

 

Cheers to all.

[Teknoe]

Ah, this thread, lol. Just a quick update: I haven't spoken with the girl this topic was based around, but my parents still KIT with her parents. Last I heard, she is still single and never dated a guy since me back in the summer of 2016. Crazy that it will be 2 years soon. Time flies! She turns 33 this year and according to her parents, she just doesn't date. She likes to work and then go home to be a nanny to her nephews and nieces.

 

Meanwhile, my GF and I celebrate 9 months this weekend. What a difference it makes to date/pursue a girl who actually likes you back.

 

To all the single guys out there: my advice is to let the girls go who are lukewarm toward you, and focus on the ones showing reciprocal interest. It makes all the difference in the world.

 

And don't be afraid to give someone a shot even if you aren't instantly attracted to them. It's good to keep an open mind and see beyond the surface.