After 4 dates, my lady friend told me she wants to take it slow

[Els]

It's really not a big deal... And it's okay if she doesn't answer immediately too. Relax!

[CryForNoOne]

There was absolutely nothing wrong with your first text. If she was offended by it, she's either not that interested or not worth pursuing. I agree the second text was potentially the one that would be off-putting. What exactly did you write?

[hippychick3]

I read that exactly how you meant it. I also think you're overthinking this.

 

If she's purposely ignoring you over that line, she has some issues. I actually see it as a little rude that she's not replied to you at all.

[xxoo]

Talking her trash was courteous. Romantic is walking ahead and offering your hand to help her down the bleachers.

 

Did you give her the beach towel?

 

Take her out to dinner somewhere romantic (not your home) for that first kiss

[Els]

Take her out to dinner somewhere romantic (not your home) for that first kiss

 

Yeah, second this. You can always do the home date after.

[jen1447]

Don't ever'fix' mistakes you didn't actually make bc it just makes you look weak and weird. You didn't mean you wanted to see her in her pajamas, so don't act like you did. What I would have done is not said anything either if she didn't reply (I never reply to non-replies) and then if eventually she said she didn't like your pajamas comment, react accordingly - "wait, what?" - and make her clarify, which you can then correct.

 

If she doesn't believe you or she thinks you could be the kind of guy who makes creepy comments in general to begin with, then you're not a good match anyway. It's good to own your actual mistakes and it's good to be open to other points of view, but you shouldn't hold yourself accountable for impossible things. That's actually a negative character trait bc it's a pointer to her that you'll try to be Mr. Everything in a relationship when most ppl just want Mr. Enough.

[RecentChange]

No offense OP, but reading all of your threads about these few dates gives ME anxiety!

 

R E L A X buddy! You are so spun out and over thinking / dwelling on every little detail.

 

It sounds lame, but just be you,act natural. Quit making every detail such a big deal.

 

She is going to like you or not. Over thinking everything isn't going to sway her in your favor - and even if it did, how are you going to keep that up if you become a couple?

 

Relaxed and confident is attractive. Relaxed and confident is sexy. I would focus on how to chill out, rather than on all these minute details.

[Robert]

Folks, moderation deleted a few posts that we're getting off topic, and merged a new thread into the other one. Please focus on the threadstarter's situation and don't debate with each other or continue gender warring.

 

Thanks,

~6

 

[xxoo]

Hopefully I'm overthinking this and this isn't as big a deal as my brain is making it out to be. .

 

Yes, you are overthinking.

 

I'm sensing some neediness. Remember: let it flow.

[Toodaloo]

Sorry Teknoe... I digressed.

 

Quit the stressing and over thinking. Just relax and enjoy and go with the flow. If you make a blunder own it and accept it. That is far sexier than falling apart just because you are not perfect.

 

Good luck on your next date.

[Teknoe]

Hmmm, I understand what you guys are saying. Maybe I shouldn't have responded to her non text and just waited for her to eventually reply. I have been good doing that until yesterday when I panicked a bit. I agree I made no mistake but at the same time felt the need to clarify my intent and communicate clearly so there is zero room for ANY texting misinterpretation.

 

And yes, I need to relax a bit more haha. I think around her I am actually fairly relaxed. But on this board of course I am going to (over)analyze and thus come off looking like I need to relax. I do need to chill a bit but not as much as these posts may make it seem. I'm a thinker by nature.

 

Anyway here's my actual text word for word. I tried to make it as lighthearted as possible.

 

---

 

That text came out wrong lol. I meant it as what makes your work outfit so uncomfortable? I'm curious what your work clothes look like (not your more comfortable home clothes lol)

[Teknoe]

Taking her trash was courteous. Romantic is walking ahead and offering your hand to help her down the bleachers.

 

Did you give her the beach towel?

 

Take her out to dinner somewhere romantic (not your home) for that first kiss

 

Good point! I could have walked ahead and held her hand. Well, at least I took her trash haha.

 

Yes I gave her the beach towel. I brought it specifically to give it to her knowing she might get a bit cold.

[Teknoe]

So you believe that if you ask a girl that you're dating to show you some more personal photos, it's a sleezy perverted thing to do!? Do you want this girl as a romantic/sexual partner or are you applying for a job with her?

 

Walking on broken glass and treating her as a princess will certainly not help with her attraction levels, it'll eventually work against you.

 

Your second "clarification" msg certainly spoke volumes with her and I truly hope that it didn't made things worst. Women tend to receive these type of messages in all the wrong ways.

 

You don't have to be rude or aggressive but be more assertive and be yourself man. Stop worrying about what a girl may think of you.

 

I generally agree with you but don't regret the clarification text. I rather communicate clearly than have a possible texting misinterpretation get in the way of us getting to know each other. We're becoming less formal with one another naturally but I don't see my follow up text necessarily as me walking on broken glass. I remember walking on glass with my previous dating relationship with a girl who likely was either bipolar or had BPD. Don't see my texting clarification as walking on glass but just trying to communicate clearly. But to each his own.

 

Next time I will communicate more efficiently with her to begin with, like I had been doing prior to yesterday.

 

Bottom line, if she's cool and likes me, neither of my two texts is likely to ruin things. Especially the second one. I rather be clear and risk her thinking I'm weak rather than leave possible misinterpretation hanging. I figure if I were her I would appreciate the guy making sure I know exactly what I meant.

[xxoo]

Good point! I could have walked ahead and held her hand. Well, at least I took her trash haha.

 

Yes I gave her the beach towel. I brought it specifically to give it to her knowing she might get a bit cold.

 

Hint: her being cold is a natural prompt to put an arm around her

[RecentChange]

And yes, I need to relax a bit more haha. I think around her I am actually fairly relaxed. But on this board of course I am going to (over)analyze and thus come off looking like I need to relax. I do need to chill a bit but not as much as these posts may make it seem. I'm a thinker by nature.

 

While I won't discount you that you are more relaxed with her in person - the very fact that are you making these threads - shows how much you are dwelling and over analyzing everything!

 

Why make any of these posts if you aren't nervous / over-analyzing?

 

I was thinking about this, as a female, first I would be REALLY surprised if any of my dates thought about all of these little details so much after the fact, to the point of posting online and asking for advise.

 

My first reaction would be CHILL BRO. I would think it was sweet and cute that he was investing so much energy, but on the other hand, what I would want more than anything would for him to be comfortable, and even willing to be vulnerable with me. Not calculated - REAL.

 

Don't worry so much about carefully not stepping on any lines. Don't wall yourself off like that - thinking so much about what to do now, "hand on her shoulder or no?"

 

Instead of calculated "I should wait - no hand on shoulder" I would much prefer a NATURAL reaction, feel close to her and want to touch her - do it! Of course read her body language etc - but you should be flirting and having fun, and getting COMFORTABLE around her.

 

I know I am a bit screwy, because it takes me about 15 mins to relax and become totally at ease with someone (and recognize their nerves and try to put them at ease). I feel like if I was on a date with you, I would give you a big smile, squeeze your thigh and say RELAX No need for pretenses!

[jen1447]

Bottom line, if she's cool and likes me, neither of my two texts is likely to ruin things. Especially the second one. I rather be clear and risk her thinking I'm weak rather than leave possible misinterpretation hanging. I figure if I were her I would appreciate the guy making sure I know exactly what I meant.

 

That's a mistake, bc a woman has to respect you before she can really like you. So your (reasonable) personal pride should be a high priority if you want her on Team Teknoe.

[xxoo]

A little more encouragement--a good cure for nerves is the human touch! Just reach out and bridge the distance. Grab her hand and squeeze, pull her close and squeeze a shoulder. It will calm you both, and "break the ice". Strength, confidence, and leadership. Just don't squeeze too hard

[JuanDelToro]

Teknoe, in contradiction to what you and many (too many) men believe, women don't fall for knights.

Being the super duper mr. nice guy wont grant you the results you're after. That is to be successful with women and build strong and healthy relationships with them.

 

I don't want to derail this topic and make it about emasculation and societal chick flick brainwashing, but if you continue down this path you're setting yourself up for a lot of disappointment and confusion.

 

It is ok if you want to show good manners, be attentive and romantic with a woman, that's who you are and if it makes you feel good then you should be that way, but it's a completely different thing placing yourself in a position where you pretty much become a butler.

 

Women like assertive, confident men that DON'T beat around the bush when they want something, while apologizing for every little mistake they make along the way.

 

You have been out with this girl twice, you like her and apparently she likes you too, so next time instead of worrying about texts and if it'd be disrespectful to put your arm around her or not, show her what you really want, flirt, create the right moment and just kiss her.

If she turns you down, don't dwell on it act normal and try again later.

[xxoo]

I agree with most of Juandeltoro's post above, with one exception.

 

Women fall for knights who make us feel sexy

[Dis]

Hi Tek! Gonna post in bold

 

Overall, it went really well! However...

 

Yay Tek!!!! I knew it would go well!!!!

 

I'm not sure if I blew some opportunities though, but overall I'd say the date went well. And I would be surprised if she doesn't view me with those "potential romantic partner" goggles. Although, I guess one can never say 100% for certain until certain actions are taken, so I'll also try to not get too overly confident that she's absolutely into me. But the signs so far are good.

 

I'm glad you have confidence...thats really important. Like everyone says on here...if a woman is interested...she'll act that way...and she def is! Keep up your confidence level as you move forward

 

So this was our 3rd meeting, but really our 2nd date. First meeting involved the parents (I know, I know, long story short -- it's not an arranged marriage but it's a "let's see what happens but we're hoping you two will marry" situation).

 

So I picked her up. We went out for tea. I paid for that.

 

Then we went to a fair. We bought some snacks. I paid for that.

 

Excellent! As a woman I appreciate things like this....I'm kind of old fashioned I think the guy should pay for most things the first couple dates. I'm sure she liked that.

We went to the fireworks arena. A clown greeted us and said, "Is that your date?"

 

I looked back at her, she smiled and I said "Yes."

 

He goes, "Well are you going to pay for her?"

 

"Of course."

 

"That's what I'm talking about! Now you go pay and I'll talk to her -- she's a lot cuter than you."

 

LOL. Funny clown. (BTW, he was pushing 55-60 years old... doubt I feel the same if he were 25-30 and said all that lol).

 

Ewww...that clown seems creepy lol. She probably thought the same thing.

 

I brought a beach towel and she ended up using it because her arms were cold. We got two snacks which we shared with two spoons. One was a drink slushy item with two spoons and we also shared a funnel cake with two spoons. Very boyfriend-girlfriend-y.

 

Very romantic for sure. Good move bringing the beach towel...very smooth

 

After we finished, we had about 30 minutes to kill before they set off the fireworks. I took out my phone and we played this little app game called "Conundrums." It basically asks you "Would you rather" and gives you two choices. This was fun because it gave us a natural outlet to put ourselves in interesting or even awkward positions, and see how we felt. Some situations were realistic and some were not. The highlight came when this question popped up, and no, I didn't plan this.

 

This probably eased her nerves alittle...playing a game that allowed you both to connect on a fun level...nice move there too

 

Would you rather have sex in a sex swing or sex with no gravity? We both laughed. No, I won't tell you what she answered (lol).

 

By the time the game ended, the show was about to begin. Perfect timing.

 

Here's where I question if I "messed up."

 

The mood was definitely leaning toward romantic, and I was wondering if I should put my arm around her shoulder (her shoulder was covered by my beach towel) or if I should ask her if it's OK if we share the blanket. But I decided to be a complete gentleman and not wanting her to feel uncomfortable in the least, I didn't try any of that. It wasn't (too) cold anyway, so I sat there sans beach towel. We had a good time, but I kind of wish in hindsight that I did one of those options, as it would have been really assertive and shown her directly my interest in her beyond something platonic. Although, I guess as a counterpoint, duh she knows I'm interested. Otherwise I wouldn't be dating her. LOL! I can forget that sometimes. Women know when a guy likes them!

 

Being a gentleman doesnt mean you cant make a socially acceptable move...like a kiss. Ya you dont want to rip her pants off during the fireworks...that wouldnt be a gentlemanly move...but giving her a kiss or putting your arm around her is appropriate if it feels right. I know for me...I do like it when a guy doesnt have trouble making a move...alot of women want that physical contact....you're not asking her to marry you...you're just putting your arm around her and/or giving her a kiss. You're a gentleman by nature...so dont confuse that with you're hesitation to make a move.

 

Also dont beat yourself up about it....I'm sure she's not going to write you off just because of that. Dont spend your time thinking and overthinking about what you shouldve done....just focus on moving forward

 

The fireworks show ended and we walked down the steps. I had the slushy cup and she had the finished funnel cake plate. I was behind her. I immediately took the funnel cake plate from her as I didn't want her to have to hold it coming down the bleachers. She seemed to appreciate that gesture. Not to brag but it was definitely a classy move. The kind that women appreciate -- an eye for the little details if you will. Treating her as a lady should be treated.

 

Very classy! lol

 

On the drive home we had a good conversation. I walked her to her door and hugged her. We had already made plans for the next date prior to this evening, so I asked her the day to double check and she said yup. Kissing her was definitely on my mind, but I kind of psyched myself out on the drive home and the moment didn't feel right. So I didn't try. We said our good nights and I went back to my car. I looked back to see she was closing her door, and I saw her looking at me with a smile right before she closed her door. She didn't text me afterward but it seemed like she had a really good time. I know I did.

 

Tek, she really likes you. She's probably more shy than you are...so its up to you to go in for this kiss. I think guys psych themselves out alot when it comes to the first kiss. But remember shes on the same playing field you are...shes out with you...she likes you...think about that next time you want to kiss her. She is probably hoping you'll kiss her on the next date. I know I want my date to kiss me if I'm into him....most women do....and yes shes into you. Dont complicate things so much. Sometimes you just have to go for it. Take a deep breathe and take the plunge. But hey if it didnt feel right then thats fine....theres always the next date.

 

I think if I placed my arm around her during fireworks that it would have led to a first kiss. It's that whole slow escalation thing, right? But it felt like 0 to 60 if I kissed her there, given that I didn't put my arm around her shoulder, or share the blanket.

 

Ya thats wouldve been a nice slow build of physical contact. Women like those types of gestures. We dont want your date to be 10ft away from us. We want some contact...its helps us build a bond and a connection with the guy we're dating. Paying for dinner....holding the door....all of that is great...but we need some physical contact too. Hindsight is 20/20...you're looking at this clearly now so just learn from it and move forward.

 

Anyway, it was our 2nd date so I'm hoping that didn't blow my chances. Hopefully her interest level is still high and I hope I'm not too focused on that first kiss for the 3rd date. I want it to be natural but I also know I'm not sure it's wise to go 3 dates without any kind of affection beyond a simple hug.

 

Usually we do need a kiss by the third date...but every woman is different. And theres really no set timeline either. But I think 3 dates is plenty of time to get comfortable enough with a girl and kiss her. I think you sometimes get caught up in your mind too much and pysch yourself out. Whe you do that just remember...she likes you! She wants you to kiss her! You'll feel relieved after you go for it

Anyway, now that we feel comfortable with each other, I feel much more comfortable inviting her for a "make dinner at home" date. Some of you said earlier the 2nd date is way too early (even if we're family friends) but we just had our 2nd date tonight and it went really well (missteps aside regarding the fireworks/no good night kiss parts) so I feel if I offer her a chance to cook at home she'd be happy to accept. Also, we did talk about cooking dishes on the date tonight. So it won't be completely random for me to bring up.

 

Omg yes! I think this is a perfect time for you to have the at home dinner date!!! I dont know if this is just how I feel but...I'm able to feel much more comfortable with a guy once we hang out at home. Theres something very calming about it...very quiet and cozy. It makes me feel more relaxed too. Soooo I think this will be the perfect date to go in for that kiss!!!! She'll already be in a good head space because you'll have made her dinner...you guys can give chill on your couch and watch a movie. Dont hesitate to put your arm around her and cuddle. Cuddling will help you guys feel closer....that way going in for a kiss will feel natural. Start with cuddling...then kiss her. And yes she wants you to kiss her!!!

 

I'd like some feedback on the whole blanket/arm situation. Did I blow my chances there? Should I have been more assertive? Or was being 100% gentlemanly the way to go? I don't know how she perceives it, but I'm hoping she feels it was sweet and that I was protective of her rather than trying to "play game" so to speak. It was almost like I said to myself "really? I'm gonna give her the blanket and slip in there casually huh?" NOT THAT KIND OF SLIP IN, lol. You know what I mean. I didn't want her to misinterpret that.

 

I definitely wanted to give her a good night kiss but the moment didn't quite feel right. I definitely rushed the good bye probably because I started getting nervous thinking about whether I should go for the first kiss or not.

 

If it didnt feel right dont worry about it hun. I really think you two hanging out at your place will make you both more relaxed and comfortable with each other. It'll feel right on the 3rd date...I have a good feeling about it. Make her dinner...pour some wine. Let the night unfold naturally and plssss dont be thinking about this kiss all night...psyching yourself out. Allow yourself to be present...in the moment....when you guys are cuddling on the couch after dinner and the lights are dimmed and you're drinking some wine...then go ahead and go for it.

Any feedback on any of this is welcomed. Comments or questions invited

 

Thankfully, unless I'm absolutely terrible at reading cues, she seems into me and enjoys my company as someone who can possibly one day be her boyfriend and beyond. I guess we'll see how date #3 goes!

 

PS- Any tips on how to reduce first kiss anxieties? I didn't feel the pressure on date 1 because it was lunch and only date 1... but tonight I definitely had my opportunity if I played my cards differently. I played it sort of cautious but thankfully she seemed to respect that I was respectful and mindful of her. But maybe next time I'll do like the Little Mermaid and kiss the girl, lol.

 

Like I said...you guys are on equal playing fields....she's probably all excited about you...talking to her friends about you....anticipating the next date. She's been on 2 dates with you now...that means she likes you enough for you to kiss her...you two are at that point now. The first kiss is kind of like jumping head first into a cold lake on a hot day. The fall might be alittle scary and the water might be cold for a second...but it feels awesome once you get in. Just take the plunge Tek!

 

So glad everything is going so great!!!! :bunny:

Edited July 7, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote formatting ~6

[Teknoe]

Thanks everyone for the two cents. I think I got it.

 

1. Be more assertive going forward. Don't apologize or mistaken "being gentlemanly" for wussing out.

 

2. Stop over analyzing every minute detail

 

3. Look forward to date #3!

[Teknoe]

She texted me back.

 

Yup, looks like I over thought things again, lol.

 

"lol no worries, i understood what you meant. I was at lunch and came back in to work after the last text and was slammed with work till end of day. So didn't get to checking my phone. Clocked out, drove home and went to bed. Haha. Was going to send a pic today but it being my last day, was so glad to be off, clocked out and went straight home again. Officially off now til next Wednesday. Yay!"

[katiegrl]

She texted me back.

 

Yup, looks like I over thought things again, lol.

 

"lol no worries, i understood what you meant. I was at lunch and came back in to work after the last text and was slammed with work till end of day. So didn't get to checking my phone. Clocked out, drove home and went to bed. Haha. Was going to send a pic today but it being my last day, was so glad to be off, clocked out and went straight home again. Officially off now til next Wednesday. Yay!"

 

I know you mean well Teknoe... but we probably don't need to know every little detail of your private communications word for word.

 

Maybe it's me, but I think it's important to keep these text exchanges between you private, I am sure she would appreciate it!

 

Out of respect for her and your budding relationship... don't ya think?

 

If you have an issue, would be happy to help! The gist of it would be fine.

 

Lastly, pls try to stop overthinking and stressing.... you're gonna give yourself a nervous breakdown if you keep this up...

 

Relax!

 

Good luck!

Edited July 6, 2016 by katiegrl

[Teknoe]

I know you mean well Teknoe... but we probably don't need to know every little detail of your private communications word for word.

 

Maybe it's me, but I think it's important to keep these text exchanges between you private, I am sure she would appreciate it!

 

Out of respect for her and your budding relationship... don't ya think?

 

If you have an issue, would be happy to help! The gist of it would be fine.

 

Lastly, pls try to stop overthinking and stressing.... you're gonna give yourself a nervous breakdown if you keep this up...

 

Relax!

 

Good luck!

 

Good point. Sorry, I have a bad habit of doing play by plays. I do need to exercise a little more discretion and privacy.

 

Thanks for the advice hun. I'll take a deep breath and relax

[katiegrl]

Good point. Sorry, I have a bad habit of doing play by plays. I do need to exercise a little more discretion and privacy.

 

Thanks for the advice hun. I'll take a deep breath and relax

 

No worries, I know you're excited, so it's understandable.

 

I also think a little exercise (like running, yoga?) will help with your anxiety too! lol

 

It helps me!