After 4 dates, my lady friend told me she wants to take it slow

[Teknoe]

You're dating someone. It's not quite casual anymore, but it's not yet committed. You're 4 dates in.

 

What should the texting be like?

 

So, in the past, let it be known that I was a text fiend. I felt the more you talked to a girl, or the more you made her "LOL" with some witty quip or corny joke, the more she would fall for you. What happens? I usually 99.9% of the time end up deep and firm in the friend zone.

 

With my current date, I've changed my texting habits, and now I only text her sparsely. I use it to set up the next date. Maybe a little chit chat, but nothing beyond 2-3 texts. And I never text twice in a row. I actually read this is the way to go, and any more texting than what I just described actually has high potential to ruin her attraction level to the guy. For years I didn't believe in this but since my way hasn't worked, I've adopted this and now can see the results. Texting is no place to have a convo, and sometimes tone is misinterpreted.

 

Anyway, I found myself a bit antsy today. I last saw her Sunday, and she asked me out on a date Saturday. We last texted Monday. Now I don't text her, and don't plan to until Saturday where I'll say something like "See you tonight!" That's a pretty long gap (four days of no communication). But I've been told this works, and I honestly can't think of anything worthwhile to text her. I don't want to do the whole "how are you?" or "how is your day going?" type texts, especially early on. If and once we are exclusive, then maybe I'll send that out on occasion, but this early on I don't want to come off as needy or clingy in the least.

 

Sometimes inaction > action, especially when the date is already set.

 

Thoughts and opinions?

[Zippy2000]

It really depends on the person. I dated a girl years ago who was a text fiend and she still texts me even up till today. We text about everything and its regular but its odd when she stops texting I do think about what happened or why she isnt talking.

 

 

The longest we havent spoke for it a week.

 

 

Again it depedns on the person. Some people arent great texters. My brtoher for example prefers to call and his texts are brief and to the point.

 

 

Texting can help build relationshios but they are very linear.

 

 

If you dont text someone enough. They`ll probably think youre not interested

[Zippy2000]

I tend to mirror someones texting. If they are reliable at texting so will I. but I do pause for a few days just to reflect.

 

 

Life isnt ablut texting but meeting up and having fun.

[Vado]

Part of process of falling in love with women is having enough space to miss you, if you text her everyday, she can't miss you. And it's not manly. Only text her for 4 reasons:

1. Setting up a date

2. Thank her for something

3. Happy birthday/xmas/easter whatever.

4. Answering a very urgent question

 

Don't chitchat with a girl on a phone unless you love to be friendzoned, girls have friends/sisters/gayfriends for that stuff.

[Zippy2000]

Part of process of falling in love with women is having enough space to miss you, if you text her everyday, she can't miss you. And it's not manly. Only text her for 4 reasons:

1. Setting up a date

2. Thank her for something

3. Happy birthday/xmas/easter whatever.

4. Answering a very urgent question

 

Don't chitchat with a girl on a phone unless you love to be friendzoned, girls have friends/sisters/gayfriends for that stuff.

 

 

I agree with this but if the girl keeps texting you:

 

 

Its rude to ignore her

She ll think you re not interested

She`ll move on an find someone else

 

 

So, I have this girl who I used to text endlessly but recently I started to back off a little. The girl did come back but its just chit chat.

 

 

Everyone likes to get attention and I dont really see nothing wrong with it. You only get friend zoned if you talk about normal stuff. Spice it up a little and have fun with texts. Flirt and ask her out.

[basil67]

Leaving contact from Monday to Saturday - the day of the date - is a little long in my opinion. You're running the risk of her thinking that it's not happening and having her organise something else.

 

If I were you, I'd send a Thursday night text such as "have booked X restaurant for Y time. Looking forward to ....."

 

I mean, even my hairdresser sends a confirmation text the day before.

[Mikau]

I generally just mirror their style. I send a text an hour or two after the first date to show her the lines of communication are open, and afterwards I only chitchat if she does. If she doesn't, I stick to the 'only/mainly use texting to set up dates'.

 

So right now I'm dating somebody where we send 5-6 chit chat messages every night because she texts me essays, and the previous girl I dated we only exchanged helloes and what are you doings 1-2 times a week.

[NVO]

We text about everything and its regular but its odd when she stops texting I do think about what happened or why she isnt talking.

 

Haha, this sounds so familiair.

 

I also tend to mirror texting. I usually don't start texting unless she does. I used to stress over the moment when text conversations are stagnating, or when a girl has read your text but does not reply for hours, but not anymore.

 

To add, I usually don't double text. And I never ask if she got my previous message if I see she read my text. The times when I do double text are when I wish her a goodnight, and I was the last one to reply in a text earlier that day.

[clia]

IMO, Monday to Saturday is way too long to go without communication at this stage. You don't have to text her. You could always pick up the phone on Thursday or so and call her to find out how her week is going.

[BaileyB]

I mirror too...

 

I too think it's too long to wait. I would try to find some reason to text midweek - if you see something you know she will like, text the info. Or, text just to confirm the date Saturday and tell her you are looking forward to it.

 

As you progress, the texting should increase. The occasional - how is your week going? Or how was your day? Texts are nice. It's also fun to have a few longer conversations - several texts to talk and tease and laugh together... Just adds to the fun and makes her excited/interested to see you. We tended to do that after some of the early dates - I would text to say thank you and that I enjoyed the date. He would respond with something witty... And there would be a little banter because we were both just happy and excited after the date.

 

There is no right or wrong answer - except if you overwhelm or underwhelm her with texts that she does not want. But, it doesn't sound like you are doing that.

[leogirl876]

To me this all sounds like games. I'll put a guy in the friendzone or just simply lose interest if he's not putting in that much effort. This I'm only gonna text on this time, and this amount is game playing. If you like her, call her and talk to her, don't play games. Games are a turn off!!!

[Vado]

To me this all sounds like games. I'll put a guy in the friendzone or just simply lose interest if he's not putting in that much effort. This I'm only gonna text on this time, and this amount is game playing. If you like her, call her and talk to her, don't play games. Games are a turn off!!!

 

It's possible that guys don't put enough effort, but most of them do the opposite, put girls on a pedestral, threat her like a princess and text to much

[Mikau]

To me this all sounds like games. I'll put a guy in the friendzone or just simply lose interest if he's not putting in that much effort. This I'm only gonna text on this time, and this amount is game playing. If you like her, call her and talk to her, don't play games. Games are a turn off!!!

That's not what anybody here is saying.

 

Mirroring just means seeing how much stock or effort she puts into texting, and then putting in the same amount of effort.

 

You see, some women get turned off by excessive texting and some women (like yourself) get turned off by what you perceive as no (texting) effort. The problem is, you never know which one it is you're dating, so you have to come up with a way that doesn't scare off half the women you date over something so insignificant as texting. That's why people mirror. That's not playing games, that's letting her take the lead in something, and letting her show you what she wants and values (and then giving that to her).

[leogirl876]

That's not what anybody here is saying.

 

Mirroring just means seeing how much stock or effort she puts into texting, and then putting in the same amount of effort.

 

You see, some women get turned off by excessive texting and some women (like yourself) get turned off by what you perceive as no (texting) effort. The problem is, you never know which one it is you're dating, so you have to come up with a way that doesn't scare off half the women you date over something so insignificant as texting. That's why people mirror. That's not playing games, that's letting her take the lead in something, and letting her show you what she wants and values (and then giving that to her).

 

I get what you're saying, but there's a guy that I was really into but he'll be so unpredictable with calling and texting. For example, we'll be texting and I'll text him back something, either a question or something, and then won't hear from him again for like 2 days. It's like dude, I just asked you a question. It's very annoying to me, and it just makes me think he's either playing games or not into me enough and it makes me just wanna back off and not see him.

[Larryville]

Ditto those mentioning the “mirroring” I just try to be reliable in keeping in touch with someone. The thing I tend to get annoyed about with some is those who text me “one word texts” or emoji’s all the time. That shoes me in the long run is they lack communication skills.

[Versacehottie]

IMO, that is too long a gap Mon-Sat to wait to be in touch. Generally I don't think your ideas about texting are too bad. And I don't think it's good to text if you really have nothing to say. But 4 dates in, headed toward possibly "something", she is probably thinking about you and would enjoy a text. It's hard for me to believe that you won't have something that came up in those 4 dates, prior contact that won't make you think of her in some way and be a catalyst for you to send her a little text. Another idea is that even though she is planning the date for you guys saturday, you can add to the date by suggesting something to do before or after whatever she has planned and reach out to her to suggest it/talk about it. That's actually more masculine anyway.

 

I think you are perhaps take what you've "discovered" about texting too literally or adhering to it too strictly. Ultimately if she likes you and you've met a threshold of that, she's going to enjoy hearing from you. That said, there can be something in what you text about with any girl but your style that just doesn't work. If I was to guess something about it must be either too clingy or nothing to say or not mirrored interested essentially. Here's the thing: one level of contact does not work in a blanket fashion with all women (or men), even with the same person at various points within the relationship. In your current specific situation, if she is enjoying spending time with you (which it sounds like she is) and you disappear for 6 days when she has actually put the most effort in at last time (asking you out on a date) and you are in that middle period of just starting to date, she could just as likely be bound to think you have lost interest, put in low effort and doubt creeps in. Anyway, a good relationship, IMO, builds on shared experiences of every kind. Sharing a bit of your day with her, letting her know she is in your thoughts because something that happened or you saw reminded you of her is a good thing.

 

I totally agree with you about a banal "good morning" text or good night one or repetitive how was your day (where you also never say anything about yourself). That stuff coming from a guy, to me, equals of wanting to be in contact, overly interested in the girl but a rather boring person. However, as soon as I type this other girls will tell you they love a good morning text, etc. People are different; that's why the mirroring is good. But yeah in your current situation, I think it's too long to leave it and surely something of value to both of you should come up to chat or text about in that amount of time. it can even be as simple as saying, "can't wait til this saturday". I would like something more engaging but point is you need to do SOMETHING.

[Els]

Mon-Sat is too long. At least text her a couple of times in between, especially to give her the time and place.

[King Me]

Whoa. I don't know what's the proper frequency of texting but I must say that soon you will be walking on thin ice here. No contact for almost a week, and you're leaving it up to her to ask you on dates? You're not putting very much into this, man. Women don't usually go for the extremely passive, no sign of interest approach in my experience. Step it up without becoming a nuisance.

[JuanDelToro]

The solution to the problem at hand is simple, don't text, at all. You want to set up a date? Call. You want to thank her for something? Call. You want to say something? Call.

 

Make the calls short and to the point. A date is the appropriate time to chit chat not over the phone like girlfriends do.

Use texting only for things which are hard to communicate verbally, like an address or a number for example. Another exception would be a naughty text at a time that you know it's impossible for her to answer a call (like when she's at work).

 

At first you might get some "resistance" from a new girl because she's used to plenty of texting, as everyone else, but if you communicate clearly from the start your way and stay congruent, she'll learn quickly.

 

If at the end of the day she doesn't like it, so be it. Plenty of fish in the ocean.

[xxoo]

Have you been seeing her over a month now?

 

I'd like to see more interest than once a week dates with no/little contact in between at that point. Is it possible to have any little impromptu dates during the week?

 

Example: when out and about, take a quick pic of something you'd like to show her (a fav coffee or lunch spot), send the pic with a proposal "up for a quick bite on Tues?" or "can I tempt you out of the house right now?" (that better be a pic of something especially delicious)

Edited July 13, 2016 by xxoo

[mizunomead]

the texting should be like whatever your both comfortable with. simple as that.

i think 100 texts a day everyday is overboard, and i think generally speaking only talking or texting once or twice a week after 4 dates is a little lacking. but after that its all individual.

personally im a busy guy. full time work, lots of other stuff going on. and i am not glued to my phone. the girl im dating is generally the same way. about 2 months in we share a handful of texts most days. but not a bunch, both of us often times may take a few hrs to respond because we have lives. and we see each other around 3 days a week, and thats where most of pur communication happens.

[Miss Peach]

If I like a guy I really don't care if it's just a few or several as long as he isn't dominating all my time. If I never hear from a guy or that contact doesn't increase as we get to know each other I figure the guy isn't that into me or is looking for something more casual than I am. In that case I may drop him. A lot of men play take that too far and go into hot/cold mode which makes me drop them. The women you are likely to pick up in hot/cold mode are insecure women or ones who think they don't have choices.

 

I almost dropped my BF because he wasn't contacting me between dates at the beginning other than to set them up and we weren't seeing each other increasingly. It also delayed my getting physical with him because I couldn't tell what he wanted from me (as I tend to find guys put women in the play thing or GF/wife category pretty early on). He did step up pretty quickly when he did. If he hadn't I would have started to turn him down and would probably be with someone else right now.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I would lose interest with this long with no contact.

 

I find "how was your day?" texts especially tedious. I am sure you can think of something more interesting to say. A picture of something, even a funny cartoon, "thinking of you"... I also wonder how much of a connection you really have if you can't think of anything to say.

[alphamale]

Thoughts and opinions?

have you banged her yet?

[MissBee]

I've never thought about this and have no clue who makes up these rules.

 

If things aren't working organically, I don't see the point. Seeing someone as a friend is unrelated to how much you text. Trust me.

 

I've had long distance relationships where everything was primarily through texts, emails and calls and my feelings grew through those media, as well as regular distance where we texted a fair bit. For me, being able to talk and laugh and such with someone is essential to me falling for them and if I like them, I love good text banter. They don't have to text me 24/7, but I am always happy to hear from them when they do, providing the convo is witty and organic. If you are boring and like to text things like "hi, how are you?" and can't keep up a good convo then it falls flat. Me not liking you is not then because you texted too much, it's because you're boring. Or if you only text but never plan dates, that's when I lose interest. It's not because of the texts again, but because you seem to ONLY want to chat on text and not go out and spend face time, so I lose interest. But if we text a lot and it's organic and enjoyable and I also feel like we are progressing in the real world outside of the phone, it works.

 

Also, how can you even make a rule about not texting twice in a row? Seems like some strange calculus that is completely arbitrary. Do what feels right and makes sense in the actual context of your relationship with this person and don't make up arbitrary rules that seem not to actually relate to real life.