After 6 months NC he wrote me that he will never love anyone else but me

[soleada]

Hey guys,

 

I'll try to keep it short. I (28) was in a relationship for 3.5 years with my ex (32) until we broke up six months ago. Our relationship was amazing and beautiful and I've never loved anyone as much as him. I never doubted that he loves me a lot, he was always there for me, sweet and caring and I was so happy.

 

The only thing we kept fighting about was marriage. I told him a year ago that I want to get married, and I have to admit, I pressured him a bit. We were dating 2.5 years at that point and I told him I want to get married next year (2016) and he told me that I should just be patient. I didn't bring it up for months, but every time I did, we had a fight about it. If he had given me an approriate timeline back then I would have been ok with waiting longer, but he was basically always like 'I don't wanna talk about it' or sometimes we actually talked about it and he seemed interested in the topic, only to shut me down the next time we talked about it. It literally drove me crazy and I wondered if I'm just not good enough for him to marry me. By the way, we had been living together for over two years already, and I moved for him to another city.

 

So this past January everything was still great, despite our occasional fights every few months about the marriage thing. He sent out a holiday card to our families, and we were making future plans. Nothing seemed off. Then, one day, I brought up marriage again and he said he doesn't really want to get married now. Maybe some time in the future. I basically told him that he needs to make up his mind and if he really doesn't want to marry me ever he should just tell me, but that this means it won't work between us. He said he needs some time to think. I told him I'm going to travel for a week, a trip I was planning to do for a while, so I thought 'Why not now so he has some distance from me to think this through'. At first he seemed okay with that, and we talked for a bit on WhatsApp every day I was gone. When I came back from my trip he told me that it wasn't okay at all to just leave and travel, telling me I just ran away from a fight. I told him that this is not true, that HE was the one telling me he needs time to think. I then asked him if he has thought about the whole thing, and he said he just cannot marry me. That this is all too much pressure for him, and that he doesn't know why. He said he just cannot get himself to do it and that this is why we need to break up.

 

I was shattered. I didn't try to change his mind. Instead, I made him move into the guest bedroom and told him a few days later that I'm moving out and that I'm leaving the city. I treated him really cold, but I mean, he broke up with me, what else should I have done. He seemed sad, but still didn't say anything else. A week later, I moved out. The day I left he cried and I cried too. He said that he loves me and that he didn't think I would just leave so quickly. I told him I cannot imagine my life without him, but he then didn't say anything anymore. I left. I met his Mom before leaving the city and she told me that she knows how much he loves me, but that he has probably just really cold feet. Of course I left anyways.

 

So, fast forward to now- It's been six months since we broke up, almost six months NC and not seeing each other. I deleted him from social media and everything. These past months were really hard for me, since he is honestly the love of my life. I've been on a couple of dates, I've had a short affair with a guy, and I can still not think of anyone else than him. Not because I haven't met interesting guys, because I have. But when I kissed that one guy, when I had sex with him, all I could think about was my ex. I still love him so much it hurts.

 

So yesterday morning I woke up and had two Whatsapp messages from him, saying how much he still loves me and that he will never love anyone but me. I haven't answered yet. My mind is racing. I don't know what to do. First of all, he didn't say he wants me back or so, just this other stuff. And second, even if he did, maybe that would be the worst decision ever? Does it even ever work to get back with an ex? I mean nobody ever cheated, there was no abuse or anything, but still- Many people say an ex is an ex for a reason.

 

What would you do? Just ignore the messages? Say something? I love him so much, but I'm scared that these are only breadcrumbs. I don't just want to run back to him and risk to go through heartbreak again. Oh, and btw, yes I'm sure he didn't break up because of another woman. Any advice appreciated.

 

 

Thanks!

[Densel]

I would ask him what does he wants?

 

If he replied he wants you back, then you can meet him face to face to see his behaviour and hear him out.

 

If he says he is just checking in then you can ignore him until he says he wants you back.

Do not play games. Be up front.

[soleada]

Thank you.

 

I finally messaged him back saying 'And why are you telling me this?' and he just answered saying 'This is what I'm thinking and i wanted to share it with you'.

 

Wtf is that even supposed to mean?

[Densel]

Take it at face value.

 

He just wants you to know he loves you and nothing else.

 

If you want, ask him why does he need to share with you his thoughts.

 

But I would prefer to reply with "thanks for sharing."

 

I would say he is testing water, to see if you would reply and say you love him too.

[Zahara]

I think he's telling you he loves you. That's about it. Likely an icebreaker hoping you'll say you feel the same and look past the fact of what you truly desire.

 

I would just ignore it from this point forward. He knows what you want and if he's not saying anything more than that, it's not your responsibility to win him over.

[BC1980]

He made it clear he doesn't want to marry you, and he hasn't changed based on that message. I think he's lonely and missing you, but that's about it. If he loved you so much, why wouldn't he marry you after 3 years together, which is plenty of time to know if you want to marry someone? If he has something important to say, he can do better than Whatssap. He could pick up a phone. Texting is a weak form of communication. He knows he can ghost back into hiding if need be.

[gaig]

He wouldn't say more if he is afraid you will shut him down or you are angry at him.

 

If you still have feelings, let him talk to you and tell you what he wants. Who knows, you might want the same..

[SevenCity]

He wouldn't say more if he is afraid you will shut him down or you are angry at him.

 

If you still have feelings, let him talk to you and tell you what he wants. Who knows, you might want the same..

 

Agreed. He may have come to a realization that the space afforded him. You can't take everything you read here as gospel. No one knows what he is thinking - they just know what THEIR ex was thinking.

 

Telling someone you love them is a pretty big deal. He may be waiting for you to show him some signs that you are open to giving it another go.

 

I would respond with "So what do you want to do about it?"

[DevotedBaker54]

It sounds like you both really miss each other! Honestly, you'll never know unless you try. You can sit around trying to get over him, and hope to meet someone new, or you can try things again with him.

Maybe he's ready to get married, or maybe not.

You'll never know unless you try

Best of luck to the both of you <3

[bachdude]

He may love you but his fear of marriage, at least at this point, is stronger than his love for you. I am sorry that is so harsh. But actions speak louder than words.

 

But perhaps he is rethinking the whole thing. Don't give in to him. He wants to be with you without the ring on the finger but that doesn't work for you. Be strong. He may be still processing.

[Bialy]

"So yesterday morning I woke up and had two Whatsapp messages from him, saying how much he still loves me and that he will never love anyone but Me."

 

He's being emotionally manipulative. My ex would say things like that - it's an ex's way to make you question yourself and the value of any of your current dates.

 

Don't let him manipulate you with these types of empty texts. He wants you to remain single because that will make you feel that he is your only option.

 

It's psychological mindf-ckery.

[j21bird]

Bialy,

 

No one on this thread can know for sure why he decided to reach out when he did.

 

In my opinion it is not wise to say he is reaching out because he is being "emotionally manipulative."

 

Maybe he has an agenda and is contacting her to interrupt her ability to move on, but it is also possible that during these last few months with time to think, he realized how great she is and truly does miss her.

 

Soleada needs to be direct with him and ask him questions to find out exactly what he is wanting with being back in contact.

[soleada]

Thanks so much for your answers. I wanna give you an update on this.

 

So after he messaged me over a week ago, I asked him why he's telling me this, and he said he was just feeling it and has been feeling it for a long time, and when he messaged me he was at his friend's wedding and missed me so much. I told him I've been thinking and dreaming a lot about him too, and asked him again why he's telling me these things. He said that at this point, he cannot tell me more. I told him I don't want him to contact me if he just felt nostalgic for a moment and missed me that day, and he wrote back that he misses me all the time and thinks all the time about me, that everything reminds him of me and us, but that he needs to 'figure everything out himself' and then talk about us.

 

Then we did a bit of smalltalk, and at one point I just stopped answering (I told him I'm going to sleep, he wrote back good night and something else, and the next morning I just didn't answer anymore). That was last Wednesday. Nothing since. I haven't messaged him, and he hasn't messaged me again.

 

I don't know what to think or do. Should I contact him again? Or should I just not talk to him at all unless he's really ready to talk seriously?

[gaig]

I don't know what to think or do. Should I contact him again? Or should I just not talk to him at all unless he's really ready to talk seriously?

 

Since he is in your mind now, I suggest you give an end to that.

 

Question, are you still super clear that YOU WANT the next step to be marriage?

 

If yes (that's good, you are firm on your position), you could send him a message saying something like "Hi. My feelings are genuine and there is no doubt about it. I love you. But this is not enough, I know what I want and you want to figure out yourself. You want time. This is a risk, but please take it without holding me back. If you really love me, you should let me go.."

 

He will cr** his pants, but you will be able to breathe again

[soleada]

Yes, I need marriage to happen at some point. I don't need it to happen NOW, all I want is to know that we'd be heading there in the future. I don't even get what he means by needing to think through things on his own first before he wants to talk. I mean it's been 5 months since we broke up, one would assume that's enough time to think. I just wish he wanted to talk to me on the phone at least, but since I didn't message him back Wednesday he hasn't messaged me again. I'm worried if I contact him I make myself too available, or that I pressure him. I don't know. This is so hard.

[Zahara]

he wrote back that he misses me all the time and thinks all the time about me, that everything reminds him of me and us, but that he needs to 'figure everything out himself' and then talk about us.

 

As I said before, it's his responsibility to win you back and when he is ready, he will do that but for now, you stay NC. He knows what you desire. He's not a clueless man.

 

A person can feel all those emotions, but have that no be enough to make the commitment you desire.

[gaig]

I mean it's been 5 months since we broke up, one would assume that's enough time to think.

 

Your thinking is right, I reckon most would agree with me.

And, yes, you have done your NC (you said almost 6 months which is a hell of good amount of time for someone to think)

 

Maybe he is still a *boy* and he need more time and more time and more time.

 

Are you willing to wait for that long? Would it be the same if he decides after one year of NC and "thinking about it"?

[soleada]

Your thinking is right, I reckon most would agree with me.

And, yes, you have done your NC (you said almost 6 months which is a hell of good amount of time for someone to think)

 

Maybe he is still a *boy* and he need more time and more time and more time.

 

Are you willing to wait for that long? Would it be the same if he decides after one year of NC and "thinking about it"?

 

 

I'm not sure. I would probably say no, but you can never say that for sure I guess. Depends also if I meet anyone else til then. Problem is I cannot even imagine to fall in love with anyone else. Even though I've done everything to forget him.

[gaig]

Problem is I cannot even imagine to fall in love with anyone else. Even though I've done everything to forget him.

 

I feel you in this one.. Also done everything to kick my disappeared ex out of my head, but impossible to stop thinking about her on every idle brain moment.

 

I had dotted thoughts about what happened, how should I proceed, protect myself, etc, so what I decided as a last measure is writing all these down. Eg when I am in the tube and I have a moment of apocalypse for a few seconds (you know what I am talking about), I note down a short description of my thought and I continue it later. It has helped me..to demystify her and why I thought she is the one and if I want that relationship anymore.

 

What I want to say with all that? You have to be creative in order to protect yourself! That's the most important thing now. There is no "us" anymore, they decided to run away instead of fighting it together. Or they thought they can find elsewhere better. Whatever..

 

It goes slow, but it does get better.. I can say I sleep 10% better now.. :laugh:

[Densel]

Take things naturally.

 

We wouldn't know what your ex mean by "finding himself".

 

Do what you have to do to protect yourself.

 

If NC is the way then do it.

[kidm]

Yes, I need marriage to happen at some point. I don't need it to happen NOW, all I want is to know that we'd be heading there in the future. I don't even get what he means by needing to think through things on his own first before he wants to talk. I mean it's been 5 months since we broke up, one would assume that's enough time to think. I just wish he wanted to talk to me on the phone at least, but since I didn't message him back Wednesday he hasn't messaged me again. I'm worried if I contact him I make myself too available, or that I pressure him. I don't know. This is so hard.

 

I thought you gave him an ultimatum that marriage needed to happen next year? So are you just wanting to him to say he sees himself marrying you somewhere in the future (which could be any time) or he'll commit to marrying you in the immediate future (a year or so). Which one is it? Those two requests are entirely different. The former has no immediacy and you could very well be strung along. The latter is more concrete, which sounds like it what you were looking for and he balked.

 

I know it's hard but I wouldn't put much stock in the "i love you" and "i miss you" etc. etc. You have a commitment/marriage phobe on your hand and he's expressed that he doesn't want to marry you. If that's what you truly want, you two are incompatible at this point in time. He may come around somewhere down the road, but it's up to you whether you want to put your life on hold for him. If he reaches out again wanting to talk, I would hear what he has to say and go from there. I wouldn't reach out to him though because he really hasn't said anything that hints at the fact that he has changed his mind since you two broke up.

[silko]

negotiating about a marriage this way ... I'm afraid for a healthy base for that marriage.

 

Why need you to marry? What means marrying to you, to him? Did you asked that already? Maybe he just agree on a civil marriage and not on a religion marriage ...

[Captivating]

Soleada,

Your relationship was great except for when you were pressuring him for marriage.

Maybe you guys should have been more clear with each other why it is so important for you and why he is hesitant about it.

He reached out to you after 6 months, expressing his feelings, being completely vulnerable.

Guys have a very hard time talking about their feelings, esp. in the US. It's that macho-thing, they never want to seem to be like a pu..y

You feel the same way after 6 months, but playing games with him not answering etc.

Just be honest with each other, this way you won't have regrets.

 

WHY is it so important for you to get married if you know he loves you with all his heart and committed to you ?

Don't let the pressure of social expectation get between you guys!

It wasn't worth it.

 

You guys are together for 3.5 years, still madly love each other, committed to each other, mutually miss each other......get the heck back together !!!!

Do you know how rare this is ???

Soleada, what am I going to do with you ??

[Captivating]

If you do get back together, if he asks whether you were dating anyone.

Just tell him that you went for a couple of dates, but you kept thinking of him....nobody compared to him.

AND LEAVE IT AT THAT ! don't get into details !!!! (it would crush him, men are territorial)

[Marc878]

He was probably feeling nostalgic but if it is something more you'll know.

 

In the meantime I'd continue on with my life. You may feel he is the only one for you but that's not the case. Time will cure that and when Mr right comes along.