S2B Posted July 21, 2016 Share Posted July 21, 2016 I agree, there was an attraction, which being human makes it impossible to not find people attractive, being in a relationship doesn't change that. I agree I don't think her intentions were to do anything more then enjoy his company and soak up the flirty attention he was so clearly raining down on her. I do however disagree with boundaries, I think hers are lacking. In reading the stuff written here by wayward wives the vast majority say they never intended on going as far as they did with Om. Tye vast majority felt they were totally in control. All the while crossing one boundaries after another then being confused as to how they ended up on I****edup road. Op your wife's boundaries are questionable. Not because she interacted with this man, not because she had dinner with him twice. But the fact that she reached out to him AFTER she knew he wanted in her pants to set up a third date. The whole line about not wanting to be alone is total BS. Boundaries would have meant a married woman wouldn't engage a guy in that setting who is clearly looking to have sex with her.....unless there is at least slight interest in that idea herself. Keep that in mind, that is a question you need her to answer, why engage him after you knew he was wanting to have sex ? I agree she needs work on her boundaries but also on lying - let's not forget that the lies are at issue as well. And Bry - you can't figure you'll need to travel with her all the time - there's no trust if that is your plan. What, EXACTLY, is SHE willing to do to earn trust back? Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted July 21, 2016 Share Posted July 21, 2016 Well the boundaries are what kept it in her pants so to speak when he invited her up to his room. If she had none she wouldn't have been able to employ that level of discretion and this would have been a much bigger mess than it was. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted July 21, 2016 Share Posted July 21, 2016 Well the boundaries are what kept it in her pants so to speak when he invited her up to his room. If she had none she wouldn't have been able to employ that level of discretion and this would have been a much bigger mess than it was. That's true - but it is still out of bounds for what they must have agreed to or he wouldn't be upset and she wouldn't have felt she needed to keep that info from him... It still crossed a boundary he's not comfortable with - and she knew that but still did it anyway. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted July 21, 2016 Share Posted July 21, 2016 Well the boundaries are what kept it in her pants so to speak when he invited her up to his room. If she had none she wouldn't have been able to employ that level of discretion and this would have been a much bigger mess than it was. She is married, I'm sure she loves her husband, so I'm sure that played a role. Point being Jen, true boundaries would have kept her from engagement after she admitted knowledge of what he was after. Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted July 21, 2016 Share Posted July 21, 2016 That's true - but it is still out of bounds for what they must have agreed to or he wouldn't be upset and she wouldn't have felt she needed to keep that info from him... It still crossed a boundary he's not comfortable with - and she knew that but still did it anyway. Sure - I'm not at all saying she's blameless and that her boundaries are air tight, but they were at least sufficient to keep her out of this guy's bed. Now thanks to that all OP has to overcome are the trust issues, not trust + betrayal. Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted July 21, 2016 Share Posted July 21, 2016 OP....on question that I think still exists is her level of attraction as opposed to the remedy for being on a boring business trip. Can you get his last name and look him up on social media to see if he is indeed an older gentleman or if that turns out to be a smoke screen as well? This might answer a few questions for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted July 21, 2016 Share Posted July 21, 2016 Sure - I'm not at all saying she's blameless and that her boundaries are air tight, but they were at least sufficient to keep her out of this guy's bed. Now thanks to that all OP has to overcome are the trust issues, not trust + betrayal. Out if his bed that time.....her clear intention to maintain hanging out with him meant she was allowing him more opportunities to woo her into his bed, with full knowledge of that being his goal. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TobyBoy Posted July 21, 2016 Share Posted July 21, 2016 My wife had texted her sister to let her know she was coming home a day early to surprise me. Her sister texted me this morning and asked me how the surprise went when she showed up a day early. So i know for a fact she was not planning on staying the extra day there. If that was the case she wouldn't let her sister know she was coming home early Have you verified this? Again, have you looked at the phone records to see if there was more contact during her trip and after? Link to post Share on other sites
Author BryanMar Posted July 22, 2016 Author Share Posted July 22, 2016 Well if she texted her sister Monday Morning she was coming home on Tuesday prior to me calling her on Monday at 7:00PM then I'm sure she was planning on coming home... She texted her sister that she was going to surprise me and be in bed when I got off work. (Yeah I wouldn't tell MY sister intimate details but you know women LOL) I know this because her sister texted me and asked if I was surprised. She told me when my wife texted her that info. The airline tickets were reissued for Tuesday at 9:00AM so she would have had to miss her flight to stay the extra day. So I am 100% sure she was coming home on Tuesday and not staying till Wed her original time home. But if she had that would have been pretty bad. Thanks for bringing it up. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 Did she also tell her sister what happened? Link to post Share on other sites
Author BryanMar Posted July 22, 2016 Author Share Posted July 22, 2016 (edited) I doubt it as her sister would have talked to me about it if so I'm sure. I don't expect her to chastise herself infront of her family though. Edited July 22, 2016 by BryanMar Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 Have you asked her to get counseling? I see this as her pattern...omitting her truth when it's convenient for her to keep a secret. She needs someone to encourage her to OFFER her truth...and for that to become her new habit. Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 Bryan...don't take the bait...get outta here for now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BryanMar Posted July 22, 2016 Author Share Posted July 22, 2016 Thank you for everyone's advice. I'll take standtalls advice and sign out for now. Thanks again Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 "She said she didn't realize he was being flirtatious till the night he texted her to invite her to his room." this sounds pretty believable to me. She probably had no thoughts at all about flirting or cheating, and all his subtle advances went right over her head. Only when he asks her up to his room, THEN the lightbulb goes off over her head, and she realizes this is heading in a bad direction. I would give her a pass on this one. No polygraph, no third degree. You could keep watching, just in case, but I think you are in the clear. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 "She said she didn't realize he was being flirtatious till the night he texted her to invite her to his room." this sounds pretty believable to me. She probably had no thoughts at all about flirting or cheating, and all his subtle advances went right over her head. Only when he asks her up to his room, THEN the lightbulb goes off over her head, and she realizes this is heading in a bad direction. I would give her a pass on this one. No polygraph, no third degree. You could keep watching, just in case, but I think you are in the clear. Yeah, but the problem is, it was after the lightbulb that she reached out to this guy and invited him to a third dinner date. I get the sense that op is wanting to just get this buried and move on...there are some real issues here with her behavior. I'm one who believes that infidelity is never an isolated incident, rather a culmination of a series of actions or events that end with betrayal. Meaning the cheating happens after these other lesser issues or events are not dealt with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 It going over head would be believable IF she hadn't planned to meet him for dinner again AFTER she realized he intended to have her up to his room and also realized he was flirting. But she planned to meet him. And she kept it a secret from her husband. And now - no consequences. Indicative that she can do it again. And since she isn't going to counseling and hasn't thought to offer to go means she doesn't intend to explore a better solution = like a better boundary and learning how to repair trust she's broken. And learning to be completely honest with her husband. Nothing changes if nothing changes. You can't police her every move...she's not a child. She needs to learn grown up methods of how to keep her marriage healthy. It's on her and she should be expected to do that work to find out why she chose to risk her marriage for a little flirting with another man. It's not much to expect given she disregarded and disrespected Bry. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 It going over head would be believable IF she hadn't planned to meet him for dinner again AFTER she realized he intended to have her up to his room and also realized he was flirting. But she planned to meet him. And she kept it a secret from her husband. This WW can not claim innocence for she knew that the OM wanted to bed her. This WW allowed the OM to continue to pursue her knowing the OM's intentions. It was to much of an ego boost for her to stop the OM stroking her ego. WW's wind up in bed with the OM because they get hooked on having their ego stroked by the OM. So to continue the ego stroking they eventually decide to let the OM bed them. This is how patient player/OM work. Like a moth to a flame are the WW's. Play with fire and you eventually get burnt. Next trip, or the trip after the WW remembers how much fun it was to get her ego stroked an continues to do so with new OM. Until she meets an OM that is skilled enough to get her in bed and "stroke" her for real. This was a trial run for the WW. Without the BH not intervening and stopping the last date no one will ever know if his WW would of crossed the line. Standard WW response, only admit to want the BH can prove or knows. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 And now - no consequences. Indicative that she can do it again. Is there supposed to be a punishment? Why is everyone egging this guy on to burn his marriage to the ground by over reacting? Not everyone's spouse has followed the 12 step program to having an affair...she made a mistake and lied about it...who here has not done that? Bitterness is like a cancer..it eats upon the host. Link to post Share on other sites
Robert Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 With the thread starter saying he is done with the thread for now I think we will close this up so it doesn't turn into something negative, if the thread starter would like to re-open this thread in the future then alert on my post and we will do so. Thanks all who participated in this thread. Link to post Share on other sites
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