Author BryanMar Posted July 18, 2016 Author Share Posted July 18, 2016 Yes. So I should talk to her about this. I will when she gets home. I take it that's the best thing... Link to post Share on other sites
Methodical Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 A face to face conversation, absolutely. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 Yes. So I should talk to her about this. I will when she gets home. I take it that's the best thing... Absolutely, because her coming home doesn't mean that the communication will stop Letting her know you know and are very uncomfortable with it is a must. Be honest about how you know. Cut it off before it grows branches. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BryanMar Posted July 18, 2016 Author Share Posted July 18, 2016 (edited) I get home at 7. Praying no new messages or her telling him no. Edited July 18, 2016 by BryanMar Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 Bryan....one thing to contemplate here....the reason I suggested talking to her in a complimentary way was to start the convo on a positive note and to alert her as to what you know.... there are two schools of thought here...one being, don't address and see where it goes naturally and two being throw the flag and give cause for thoughtful consideration.... you mentioned that she lied about who she was with...I am guessing, after i went back and read your first post that she told you about the dinner after she had returned and you had called her, she picked up while at either dinner or drinks. Again, if it were me, I'd probably take option two....knowing that nothing i said would stop an inappropriate meeting if it was going to happen anyway however if it were still just a notion, then when hubby addresses the issue (again in a positive way) this might help stall any "bad judgement" action that she might have otherwise made. I generally don't believe in setting traps and I personally don't see your wife as being shady from the description you have provided but I also certainly do not believe in walking around this world with a blindfold on either....be smart, aware and give the benefit of the doubt when you can. I would however mention this as soon as possible and not wait until she returns. Just my opinion..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author BryanMar Posted July 18, 2016 Author Share Posted July 18, 2016 No I didn't speak to her Wednesday or Thursday during her dinner. I did text her during her dinner on Thursday though because I texted and asked if she was there by herself and she said yes just talking to the barmaid. Link to post Share on other sites
TobyBoy Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 I would check her call/text data online....something tells me she's up to more than just going on dates with this guy!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author BryanMar Posted July 18, 2016 Author Share Posted July 18, 2016 So what you're saying is instead of accusing her of lying just make it known to her that I happened across to her text so I know the truth. She knows what she told me was a lie so I don't need to accuse her of that she should know. Then try to keep it positive from there as to why she felt she couldn't be honest with me Honestly though if she would have told me the truth I would have still been upset. I think it is inappropriate that a married woman goes out with a single man. Although it would have at least made me feel better about the whole situation that she wasn't being deceptive 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 No such thing as privacy in a marriage. If a person wants privacy they should stay single. OP had every right in the world to look through his wife's messages. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BryanMar Posted July 18, 2016 Author Share Posted July 18, 2016 She texted me she's getting Mexican food tonight.. should I text her to make a smart choice tonight? Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 She texted me she's getting Mexican food tonight.. should I text her to make a smart choice tonight? If you're gonna be the detective, don't do anything. Just let the evidence come to you, you don't have to (and shouldn't) manipulate it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 I personally found that beating around the bush serves no purpose. Being honest is best. I think stalling can be a mistake. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BryanMar Posted July 18, 2016 Author Share Posted July 18, 2016 If I talked to her about it tonight it probably wouldn't stop her. Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 The lying and the riding with him in his car are the big flags. Now, it is possible that your wife is just one of those innocent, clueless gals who doesn't know when they are being groomed. She may just see him as a flirty old man who she thinks is funny and interesting to talk to, but not a prospective cheating partner. This is what I hope is the case. But the lying? That is bull***** and she needs to be confronted about that. Not cool. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BryanMar Posted July 18, 2016 Author Share Posted July 18, 2016 Yes. I plan on havinga discussion with her when she gets home Wed. Problem I caught her in her lie by reading her text messages.. will she believe that was by accident? She will accuse me of violating her privacy.. I mean I should be interested in a text coming in for her inviting her to some guys room.... Even though she said no. Still... Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 Or if you want to stop her from doing something stupid.. If you want to be a man and save your marriage... ...you could respond to her and him with a text that says something to the effect of "You know, your texts are somehow being forwarded to me. I am reading everything that you two are saying. I don't appreciate being lied to and I don't appreciate a 60 year old unmarried guy hitting on my wife. If you two are going to run around behind my back, have the decency to turn off your text forwarding, and cheat like you know what you're doing." See what that does. I bet your wife will crap her pants and will be calling you post haste. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BryanMar Posted July 18, 2016 Author Share Posted July 18, 2016 I honestly deep down don't think she will cheat... But I'm not a fool either Link to post Share on other sites
Author BryanMar Posted July 18, 2016 Author Share Posted July 18, 2016 I mean she's been texting me all day long. Even told me she misses and loves me. She told me she can't wait to get home. Does that sound like someone who's going to have an affair? Don't most women distance themselves first Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 Yes. I plan on havinga discussion with her when she gets home Wed. Problem I caught her in her lie by reading her text messages.. will she believe that was by accident? She will accuse me of violating her privacy.. I mean I should be interested in a text coming in for her inviting her to some guys room.... Even though she said no. Still... Who gives a ***** how you got the texts? Tell her that she left her text forwarding on and you saw the messages. You caught her in several blatant lies. Tell her as far as you are concerned there is no privacy between you and her. You are married. Being married means you live your lives openly to each other. You don't slink around like a rat behind her, lying and avoiding do you? If she wants privacy, tell her she can have all the privacy she wants, and you will go and see a lawyer. I wouldn't put up with that Oprah Winfrey "You don't own me" bullcrap. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 I mean she's been texting me all day long. Even told me she misses and loves me. She told me she can't wait to get home. Does that sound like someone who's going to have an affair? Don't most women distance themselves first Not always. Mine didn't when she was cheating on me. As a matter of fact our sex frequency went up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BryanMar Posted July 18, 2016 Author Share Posted July 18, 2016 This isn't my first rodeo. I've been married twice before and they both ended in Affairs. I could tell when it was going to happen because both my ex wives distance themselves from me prior to them having the affair. This isn't the case here. I still feel very connected and close to her and I'm sure she feels the same I could sense it I would think. Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 I honestly deep down don't think she will cheat... But I'm not a fool either Bryan, virtually everyone individual on this forum has said the exact same thing....most that are here, walk away in dismay....i am not saying she is cheating, I am saying we all want to believe the best in our mates however, I repeat my self (and no I would not approach it the way you referenced earlier). I would simply say "thank you for setting the boundaries the way you did with this guy. (might even preface the fact that when you went to do her time sheets her texts popped up) I would tell her that you'd feel better if she avoided someone who'd invite a married lady up to their room for "drinks". See what her reaction is to that..... If she says something like, "you're right, he isn't the type that I can have a casual meal and convo with" you're in the clear If she gets defensive, then it's time to slueth.....again, just my opinion But I'd do it before tonights dinner. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 Your right, you stop her from doing anything, but you can let her know your uncomfortable. Worst case scenario if you text her now and let her know you know? She gets pissed you saw a message inviting her to another man's room. Worst case scenario of you saying nothing? She continues this path til she ends up in the sack with him. Flashlights can kill any budding romance, her knowing with absolutely no doubt you are not ok can be enough to stop it in its tracks. Look at it this way, if you can't trust her enough to be honest and express your feelings and concerns then what kind of marriage do you have. This isn't a case of what you don't know, because you do know. As I said, right now I'm sure your wife has no interest in sleeping with this guy, married women rarely do, until of course they do sleep with him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Poutrew Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 If I talked to her about it tonight it probably wouldn't stop her. Bryan, this may sound like totally shi**y advice, but you don't want to stop her. She has given you enough reason to begin to doubt her trust. If you say anything now, sure, you will be able to forestall any nasty behavior, but it will only be temporary. You will never know if she is going to cheat on you in the future because once she finds out about the texts popping up on the computer, she will shut that avenue down and if she does that how will you find out what goes on the next time she has a business trip? It may feel like hitting yourself in the face with a brick, but you need to let her alone and just monitor things. Give her enough rope to either hang herself with or prove she is the wife you thought your married. Even if everything goes well from this point onward, you still have a trust issue in your marriage to deal with because she directly lied to you about having no dinner companion. You can ask her how would she feel if the situation was reversed? You get caught lying to her about having dinner with a woman... I would bet she wouldn't like it one bit. At any rate, there really is nothing you can do about it until she gets back home anyway, so you still have time to formulate a strategy for dealing with whatever the next day or two brings... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 I honestly deep down don't think she will cheat... But I'm not a fool either She may not cheat. But do you think it is respectful towards you to lie to you and go riding around with a man who is basically a stranger? Do you like your wife being fed ego kibbles by another man? He's a stranger. She doesn't know this guy from Adam. And yet she is riding around in a car with him. He's grooming her. She may be savvy and not fall for it, or she might give into the ego kibbles he's feeding her. Its a roll of the dice. Personally, I would put the kabosh on it and scare the hell out of her. Yeah she will be pissed at you, but she might also respect you for it too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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