Traveling wife met man for dinner twice

[lucy_in_disguise]

I think there are two ways to interpret all this:

 

1. You are the somewhat-jealous, possessive type, and your wife knows this. She is not experienced in traveling for work and wanted some company on this trip, not to cheat, but just to have someone to eat with and talk to (totally understandable). Rather than rocking the boat and telling you she was going to have dinner with another man (par for the course for men and women who travel for work a lot) she decided to... Say nothing. Thinking, what you don't know, won't hurt you. Except you found out, so it did.

 

In this scenario, imo the fact that this guy hit on her is not very alarming. As a woman being flirted with in a similar fashion is a daily occurance. And yes it happens at work and during travel for work. It's a sad statement about our society, but most women are able to play it down without scking every dick on their way through the parking lot.

 

2. Worst case scenario. Your wife is generally shady and lies a lot. Knowing she'd be traveling for work, she seized the opportunity to cheat on you. She lied to protect herself from the truth.

 

 

I don't know, #2 just doesn't strike me as all that realistic. Women have opportunities to cheat at every turn - there's no reason for her to wait to go on a business trip to do so. Imo the mistake she made was not being honest with you. I don't think she did this to conceal any important information so much as to avoid concerning you. Playing detective as you have been doing and trying to catch her in more lies to have a big row about it when she gets home is likely just going to cement for her that you don't trust her, and that you are jealous and possessive. I don't see that making it easier to be open the next time she's traveling and a dinner opportunity comes up. Not sure what the best way to handle it from here is. The best thing to do was not to snoop, if you trust her, and not make a mountain out of a molehill in the first place.

[BryanMar]

I know my wife... I know her background.. Her personality.. her past.. her values..

 

#1 is the likely scenario and is pretty much the exact way she explained it when I confronted her about what has been going on last night on the phone.. She told me she was lonely..(She had been there already a week and hadn't met anyone) Met him and enjoyed his company (and probably his flirts)

 

She told me about meeting him on the phone but she said I didn't seem thrilled she had been talking to him so she decided not to tell me. (Which is true.. I wasn't too thrilled)

 

My gut tells me she had no intentions to cheat. She told me I would have been upset if she went with him to dinner and yes I would have..

 

None of this justifies what she did by lying but it's her reasons I guess.

 

So when she gets home we will have a long discussion about it and hopefully work on a plan to rebuild our trust.

 

Thank you.

[standtall]

She told me she was lonely..(She had been there already a week and hadn't met anyone) Met him and enjoyed his company (and probably his flirts)

 

 

That is a problem...you have to take care of her emotional needs or she will get them from somewhere else.

[BryanMar]

Its hard to do that when she's in Tulsa and I'm home 6 hours away but your statement is very true.

 

I guess the biggest problem I have about the whole situation is after he invited her into his room with texts like "You can come up but you'll have to keep your hands to yourself" (She declined) she agreed to meet him again for dinner.

 

She told me she didnt catch the sexual inuindo in those texts.. She's too smart for that. She was enjoying his attention even if she wasnt going to have sex with hi,,

 

I called her because when I realized it was going to be her last night I was afraid he was going to come on very heavy on her.

 

So there ya go.

 

Im going to stay off here for a while. I'll update when things settle.

 

Thank you everyone for your help and advice.

 

Bryan

Edited July 19, 2016 by BryanMar

[Cephalopod]

I know my wife... I know her background.. Her personality.. her past.. her values..

 

#1 is the likely scenario and is pretty much the exact way she explained it when I confronted her about what has been going on last night on the phone.. She told me she was lonely..(She had been there already a week and hadn't met anyone) Met him and enjoyed his company (and probably his flirts)

 

Lonely? This is a business trip. If she cannot handle one week away from you without getting lonely there is something definitely wrong with her.

 

I am usually spending my evenings getting ready for the next day's work, not down carousing in the hotel bar. Don't get me wrong, it is perfectly okay to stop off for a quick dinner and drink; But socializing? Only if it is with coworkers or a client. If I'm alone, I eat then I go to my room and prepare for the next day, maybe watch some sports and then go to bed early.

 

And one question you should ask her: why did she have to seek out the company of a man? Why not a woman?

 

She told me about meeting him on the phone but she said I didn't seem thrilled she had been talking to him so she decided not to tell me. (Which is true.. I wasn't too thrilled)

 

My gut tells me she had no intentions to cheat. She told me I would have been upset if she went with him to dinner and yes I would have.

 

She went to dinner with him three times in three days Bryan. That is more than just casual socializing. You should not be buying this line of b.s.

 

Of course she knew you would be upset. She knew she was crossing your boundaries and she lied to hide it. Quit minimizing this.

 

None of this justifies what she did by lying but it's her reasons I guess.

 

What? So you are going to let it slide just because this is the way it is?

 

So when she gets home we will have a long discussion about it and hopefully work on a plan to rebuild our trust.

 

Thank you.

 

She has shown you that she is more than willing to lie to you and slink around behind your back to do what she wants to do. The only way the two of you can begin to rebuild trust is for her grow the hell up and to come clean. Like I said before, you should tell her that this little stunt just blew all the trust you once had in her, and that for the near future her veracity is worthless. She is going to have to work long and hard to rebuild your trust.

 

Do I think she cheated on you with him? No. But she came damn close. Had you not caught her and let her know you knew what she was doing, would she have eventually bedded him? I say there was a 50/50 likelihood. She would not have kept going out with him had she not found him somewhat attractive. Women don't keep going out to dinner with men they are not attracted to in some fashion. I know men in their 60s who look like they are in their late 40s, so his age is meaningless in this context.

 

Fist of all I don't believe for one second this guy was 60. I think she's lying.

 

Second, I don't believe for one second that this was just a recurring casual meeting between two strangers. They met three times over the course of three days. They drove in his car to one restaurant on at least one occasion you know of. This is dating Bryan. Sorry man, but call it what it is.

 

You are letting her gloss this over, and I am afraid you will come to regret it later on. Your wife, if not prone to cheating, at least has very poor boundaries. She should not be flirting or having dinner dates with strange men while you are apart. I don't care what the fashionistas on here say; it is not appropriate for a married woman to be behaving this way.

 

Maybe your wife is just kind of clueless and had no intention of stepping out like this, but oftentimes it is the clueless people who come on here with stories of how they let themselves slip into one-night-stands, never having had any intentions beforehand of doing so. They come from healthy, happy marriages, and they end up getting manipulated into bed with strangers. It happens all the time.

 

Write out a long list of questions to ask her when she gets home.

Edited July 19, 2016 by Cephalopod

[S2B]

Marriage counseling may help. Will she go? She does lack some boundaries. She is the one that needs to earn back trust. It's not "our trust" it is trust in her that is broken.

 

And she harmed you even though she knew going to dinner would cause that harm. So she's willing to hurt you as long as you don't find out. That's the next thing to see the counselor about. Also she shouldn't expect to seek out emotional connections while traveling. She could have spent that time talking to you - but her choice was to seek it out from a new man she just met. That is a big issue she needs to address.

 

She has caused this - it is for HER to work on, not you. It's on her to earn your trust back and I would want to know exactly what she plans to do to earn back trust.

 

SHE has work to do. Don't own that for her.. This is on her, not you. If nothing else she should do individual counseling...

[DKT3]

I think there are two ways to interpret all this:

 

1. You are the somewhat-jealous, possessive type, and your wife knows this. She is not experienced in traveling for work and wanted some company on this trip, not to cheat, but just to have someone to eat with and talk to (totally understandable). Rather than rocking the boat and telling you she was going to have dinner with another man (par for the course for men and women who travel for work a lot) she decided to... Say nothing. Thinking, what you don't know, won't hurt you. Except you found out, so it did.

 

In this scenario, imo the fact that this guy hit on her is not very alarming. As a woman being flirted with in a similar fashion is a daily occurance. And yes it happens at work and during travel for work. It's a sad statement about our society, but most women are able to play it down without scking every dick on their way through the parking lot.

 

2. Worst case scenario. Your wife is generally shady and lies a lot. Knowing she'd be traveling for work, she seized the opportunity to cheat on you. She lied to protect herself from the truth.

 

 

I don't know, #2 just doesn't strike me as all that realistic. Women have opportunities to cheat at every turn - there's no reason for her to wait to go on a business trip to do so. Imo the mistake she made was not being honest with you. I don't think she did this to conceal any important information so much as to avoid concerning you. Playing detective as you have been doing and trying to catch her in more lies to have a big row about it when she gets home is likely just going to cement for her that you don't trust her, and that you are jealous and possessive. I don't see that making it easier to be open the next time she's traveling and a dinner opportunity comes up. Not sure what the best way to handle it from here is. The best thing to do was not to snoop, if you trust her, and not make a mountain out of a molehill in the first place.

 

There is a middle ground also, one in which she knew what she was doing was wrong and he would be upset, but she weighed the risk and decided that it was worth it to enjoy this other guys attention. Like 95% of women who cheat, at this point she had no intention on sleeping with the guy and it likely hadn't really crossed her mind.... problem is things change, throw in a few drinks and a couple magic words and boom she is in his room.

 

It's more then upsetting when the wife (or girlfriend) is out of line and being disrespectful towards her man and relationship that the jealous possessive card gets tossed around. This guy's intent is clear, his wife's boundaries in this situation is at best questionable. He is well within his rights to be hurt and upset.

 

Lastly, he was too without his companion, would it be ok for him to be having dinner DATES with a woman who clearly wants to sleep with him?

[jen1447]

OK OP, since you've opted to go w Detective over Husband, it's important you follow sound investigative rules and bscly follow the investigator's coda. You only know what you know, not what you 'surmise' or extrapolate, etc. And you can't allow yourself to fall in love w a certain methodology or a theory bc it damages the integrity and efficacy of your investigation and your process. You have to be completely honest w yourself and the evidence and let the evidence speak for itself.

 

Seems to me like what you actually know at this point that's significant is this -

 

- she went to 2 dinners w an unknown guy while out of town and planned a third

- she wasn't truthful w you about that

- you have reason to be concerned about her integrity

 

What you don't know -

 

- she was planning to sleep w this guy

- she had an affair w this guy

- she's had other affairs

- she's been lying to you all along

- your marriage is in deep trouble

- bigfoot was somehow involved

- etc.

 

Stick w what you know and let the evidence tell you what's going on, not your imagination or the imaginations of others.

[Cephalopod]

OK OP, since you've opted to go w Detective over Husband....

 

Why do these have to be mutually exclusive? Sometimes, in order to save his marriage, a husband needs to be a Sherlock.

 

I agree with the rest of your post however.

[DKT3]

Sad but true, some people simply believe one should be accepting of whatever behavior the wife takes. If you become uncomfortable or insecure with it then it's your issue. Thus you have the option of laying down and becoming road kill or a jealous possessive tyrant looking to control her every move....yet the opposite doesn't apply, one of the many double standards in love and life

[jen1447]

Why do these have to be mutually exclusive? Sometimes, in order to save his marriage, a husband needs to be a Sherlock.

 

I agree with the rest of your post however.

 

IMO the committed partnership implied by being spouses includes implicit trust. So staying purely w/in that role would mean you just trust your spouse, period, no matter what.

 

Now I'm not dumb so I know some ppl violate that, but if you're the unfortunate victim of that or you're just the paranoid type then I think you have to hang up your spouse hat - the one that says you trust her no matter what - so you can investigate properly. You can't investigate potential impropriety w/out acknowledging that the trust barrier has been breeched.

 

It's kinda like the faith concept - you 'believe' sth's true despite having no particular good reason to. In a trusting marriage, you trust despite it being possible that trust could be violated. If you don't have that level of trust you should imo strongly reconsider your marriage, bc it's a pretty hollow institution at that point. Whether you've actually been cheated on or not.

[DKT3]

IMO the committed partnership implied by being spouses includes implicit trust. So staying purely w/in that role would mean you just trust your spouse, period, no matter what.

 

Now I'm not dumb so I know some ppl violate that, but if you're the unfortunate victim of that or you're just the paranoid type then I think you have to hang up your spouse hat - the one that says you trust her no matter what - so you can investigate properly. You can't investigate potential impropriety w/out acknowledging that the trust barrier has been breeched.

 

It's kinda like the faith concept - you 'believe' sth's true despite having no particular good reason to. In a trusting marriage, you trust despite it being possible that trust could be violated. If you don't have that level of trust you should imo strongly reconsider your marriage, bc it's a pretty hollow institution at that point. Whether you've actually been cheated on or not.

When you exclude the expectations of fidelity from your relationship then the parameters of trust is changed, your pov is slightly different then most.

 

During a conversation with one of the wisest people I've ever known, I made the comment that I had blind faith and 110% trust in my wife, she said only two kinds of people have blind faith in a human, mother's and fools, and your not her mother.

[Poutrew]

If she will be home when you get back from work, I hope you have made a backup of the computer's hard drive. If there is anything in there that could be incriminating it will be gone by the time you get back. For your sake, I hope her explanations are good enough so you can begin the process of rebuilding the trust she has destroyed. One suggestion I'd have at this point is to actually sit her down and let her read this thread. Let her read every. single. post. After reading a post, she can comment on it before moving on to the next one. Let her see just how big a sh*t sandwich she is expecting you to swallow by reading the comments of strangers who are not emotionally connected to her or what she has done. But, alas, I think I can predict what the majority of her answers will be; 1. "I don't know." or, 2. Total silence. She is not a dumb woman. She knew what James ultimately had in mind. She enjoyed his attention, and the level of energy he was expending to get his penis firmly emplaced inside her vagina. I think she would have given him his reward some time before she came home, probably last night. But then you ruined it for her. You interrupted her game. Don't think that she doesn't have some hostility and anger in her directed at you for that. When you get home what you will be facing will be a wife that is 75% scared that she just ruined her marriage because she was stupid about technology and got caught, and 25% furious at you for ruining her carefully laid out plan. She is not going to throw her penitent body at your feet and wail how sorry she is. Most likely she will be in damage control mode and at the same time more angry than a spitting cobra. Be prepared for a WWF level fight. Be prepared for her to turn it all around and blame you. Don't fall for it - heck, as you said, you've been here before. You know what he score is... good luck. And above all, don't forget you have us in your corner if you need advice or a different perspective on something.

[Cephalopod]

IMO the committed partnership implied by being spouses includes implicit trust. So staying purely w/in that role would mean you just trust your spouse, period, no matter what.

 

Now I'm not dumb so I know some ppl violate that, but if you're the unfortunate victim of that or you're just the paranoid type then I think you have to hang up your spouse hat - the one that says you trust her no matter what - so you can investigate properly. You can't investigate potential impropriety w/out acknowledging that the trust barrier has been breeched.

 

It's kinda like the faith concept - you 'believe' sth's true despite having no particular good reason to. In a trusting marriage, you trust despite it being possible that trust could be violated. If you don't have that level of trust you should imo strongly reconsider your marriage, bc it's a pretty hollow institution at that point. Whether you've actually been cheated on or not.

 

I like your analogies.

 

It's also like reasonable suspicion in the law enforcement world. If a cop walks by a window and sees two guys smoking crack inside the building, the cop doesn't have the requirement to go get a search warrant to enter that domain and bust those drug users. He saw the drugs, saw them using them, and so his reasonable suspicion trumps his constitutional requirement to obtain a search warrant.

 

To me that is what happened here. When OP saw the questionable texts pop up on his wife's computer, then his implied marital requirement to trust her implicitly went out the window, because she had obviously violated that trust.

[standtall]

If the posters have noticed, the OP has to frequently take breaks from the website..I'm not sure if it is to go pace around, meditate, hit the gym, punch a kitten, etc...but, I think we should try to help this guy in a calm, reasonable manner....not convince the guy that she has blown the football team already....just sayin. This is not directed at anyone in particular.

[Cephalopod]

If the posters have noticed, the OP has to frequently take breaks from the website..I'm not sure if it is to go pace around, meditate, hit the gym, punch a kitten, etc...but, I think we should try to help this guy in a calm, reasonable manner....not convince the guy that she has blown the football team already....just sayin. This is not directed at anyone in particular.

 

I think most of us concur that she did not fall into an affair. But the lying and avoidant behavior on her part is alarming.

[kgcolonel]

If the posters have noticed, the OP has to frequently take breaks from the website..I'm not sure if it is to go pace around, meditate, hit the gym, punch a kitten, etc...but, I think we should try to help this guy in a calm, reasonable manner....not convince the guy that she has blown the football team already....just sayin. This is not directed at anyone in particular.

 

Great point here!!!

[standtall]

I think most of us concur that she did not fall into an affair. But the lying and avoidant behavior on her part is alarming.

 

No doubt, but I think he stopped it in time. I think he got a hard wake up call to tend his garden at home and go back to being that man she fell in l love with and nurture their relationship.

[lolablue17]

Here's an advice.

 

Don't initiate any conversation about it. There isn't really much to say. She didn't mean to cheat, she was just being lonely and was happy to have his company.

 

But she took the liberty to date him few times, and she also lied to you. There is no way for you or her to change history. Now you should let her figure out a way, a long way how to earn your broken trust. It's not your job, it's hers.

[Confused9999]

I think she was lonely and wanted company but didn't plan on cheating, however she liked this guy more then she thought since she had dinner 3 nights in a row with him. You don't do that unless there is some kind of attraction or interest.

I am sure she enjoyed the flirting and the sexual Innuendo but was thinking that's it's innocent enough since she was not planning anything.

She didn't tell the OP because obviously she knows this is not appropriate behaviour.

 

I think the best way forward for the OP, unless he is ready to walk away from his marriage or to start a serious fight, is not to make a big deal at this moment and trust her, since he has no proof of anything concrete.

 

What OP should do is have a conversation with his wife saying he felt it was not appropriate for her to do that and especially to not tell him about it and then set VERY clear boundaries of what he thinks is appropriate.

In the background keep doing detective work! See who she talks to and what she does on social media. (Especially when travelling)

Either you see she is innocent enough and there is nothing to worry about or you have concrete evidence of something before taking serious action and blowing up your marriage!

[Sunkissedpatio]

Tonight she asked me to do her timesheet and when I logged onto her account on our Mac her messages app was open which showed her text messages... One came in from an unknown number to me. I looked and it was this man... Come to find out through their text history they met for dinner Wed and Thursday. It was all pretty innocent texting in between... He texted her friday he had to go home but would be back Saturday night...

 

Well tonight when I noticed these texts he had just invited her up to his room for a drink.. She politely declined but he sent her a heart kiss emoji.. He said she had to keep her hands to herself as a joke if she came up.. He was very flirty. She said she was tired and had to get up at 6 AM......

 

Here is a man who looks up something for his wife on a her mac, on her request, and yes, iMessage is all interconnected with your phone in the newer versions. I know because I had to do that for all my mac products including my iPad when I got the iPhone 6S al my texts were showing up in iMessage in all my other products and I had to deactivate that. And you could be working on something and text message would pop up on your computer screen so he is not lying or being controlling. People should understand before they "accuse"

 

That's 1,

 

Number 2 is do we all understand what that kiss emoji looks like and implies? That is a very intimate and romantic emot that you would only use on someone you are romantically interested in.

 

So the ones that are saying the OP is overreacting you mean to tell me your wife is away on business, she lies about going to dinner with a stranger and sends him this "not tonight maybe tomorrow night" to an invitation to dinner instead of this "thanks but not to night maybe tomorrow" and you think that is totally ok and worthy of trust?

 

WOW paint me controlling then but that would be completely unacceptable for me and my partner if he were away on business and I am pretty sure he would feel the same way. You don't send romantic kisses emots to a complete stranger you just met on business while you have a husband you need to send those romantic kisses too, sitting at home.

 

It's funny the things people will allow for in relationships to consider themselves "open minded and trusting" and consider others too controlling if they set those boundaries for themselves.

 

Question is OP, given the relationship you have with your wife does this make you feel comfortable?

 

The fact she lied alone would be enough for me to consider what in the world is going on with her when she is not around you. I don't feel you are out of line at ALL to question what she was up to.

Edited July 20, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed poke

[Sunkissedpatio]

Yes, you did. I understand how the Mac app works, my girlfriend has the same thing. However it doesn't magically scroll through past texts. You went back and read the old texts on your own.

 

You invaded her privacy, she didn't tell you the truth about him. Two wrongs don't make a right. If she didn't tell you the full truth my guess is either she IS cheating or wants to, or she knows you are insecure and would do something like this. It could go either way.

 

 

Yes it does actually! It all depends how you have it set up.

 

Stop with your assumptions, you are wrong and evidently have limited experience with how the iMessage app for Mac works.

Edited July 20, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[Poutrew]

See, this is why I gave my advice to the OP to sit back and do nothing. It would be critical to see how she handles herself during that last day. By him letting her know he saw all the hanky panky she was having during the business trip, sure, he shut down her potentially giving the OM a 'happy ending' this time, but what about next time? He is never going to really know what her intentions truly are... So, I can see this conversation happening in 6 months or a year:

Wife: "Hun, the company is going to be sending me to Australia for 3 weeks to learn the new security system we have just installed. I leave in a week."

Husband: "So who do you plan to be having sex with this time?"

Wife: "Now, now baby. You know I'll never cheat on you...I'll be texting you every night..."

Husband: "Deja Vu all over again. Didn't you text me that you were eating alone, while the OM was sitting right across from you and smiling at you while nodding his head at the lie you were telling me, your dear husband?"

 

Wifey will be sure to never make such a stupid tech mistake again (having the texts pop up on the home computer). I can only speak for myself, but if this were my wife, and I couldn't regain the trust I need to have in the one person in this world I needed to trust, then I would divorce her and try again. Maybe 4th time's the charm...

Edited July 20, 2016 by Poutrew

[jen1447]

Number 2 is do we all understand what that kiss emoji looks like and implies? That is a very intimate and romantic emot that you would only use on someone you are romantically interested in.

 

So the ones that are saying the OP is overreacting you mean to tell me your wife is away on business, she lies about going to dinner with a stranger and sends him this "not tonight maybe tomorrow night" to an invitation to dinner instead of this "thanks but not to night maybe tomorrow" and you think that is totally ok and worthy of trust?

 

WOW paint me controlling then but that would be completely unacceptable for me and my partner if he were away on business and I am pretty sure he would feel the same way. You don't send romantic kisses emots to a complete stranger you just met on business while you have a husband you need to send those romantic kisses too, sitting at home.

 

It's funny the things people will allow for in relationships to consider themselves "open minded and trusting" and consider others too controlling if they set those boundaries for themselves.

 

He sent the emojis and kisses to her, not vice versa.

 

Well tonight when I noticed these texts he had just invited her up to his room for a drink.. She politely declined but he sent her a heart kiss emoji.. He said she had to keep her hands to herself as a joke if she came up.. He was very flirty. She said she was tired and had to get up at 6 AM......

 

So she was saying no to his advances.. she then said maybe tomm.. She also declined his invite Saturday to get a drink.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Ohhh good catch Jen1447! My bad, I thought it was other way around.