Be more assertive but how?

[treezy]

I believe I'm a constant victim of DISRESPECT.

 

It appears that people just don't take me seriously. At work, I get spoken to as if I don't matter, as if my tasks are the least important, as though I'm the extra head count. Among friends, I get teased and manipulated, because I often "feel bad" for not being agreeable. I think people know that about me, and they use me for that.

 

I am filled with so much inner anger just thinking about the humiliation I go through. I could accept this as a part of growing up if I was 18 but I am going 30 and I don't think it's normal to have to put up with all these at this age.

 

I want to change.

 

I know people who carry with them an aura that makes others respect, or even fear them but I don't seem to have such power. I'm sick of being nice and want to be more assertive but where do I start? And would it be too late now to change since everyone already see me as "nice"?

[louxor]

I believe I'm a constant victim of DISRESPECT.

 

It appears that people just don't take me seriously. At work, I get spoken to as if I don't matter, as if my tasks are the least important, as though I'm the extra head count.

 

If you're in the position to do so, it might be time to look for a new job - I don't know what you do, and your tasks might genuinely be the least important ones, but that doesn't mean you deserve to be spoken to like you don't matter. Being surrounded by people to treat you like this day in and day out is a nightmare to self-confidence.

 

Among friends, I get teased and manipulated, because I often "feel bad" for not being agreeable. I think people know that about me, and they use me for that.

 

These people don't seem like friends to me. Friends don't manipulate each other. In regards to you feeling bad for not being agreeable, I think this might stem down to an issue revolving around a lack of self-confidence, being that you are too worried about potential downfalls of speaking your mind if it clashes with what the others think.

 

 

I know people who carry with them an aura that makes others respect, or even fear them but I don't seem to have such power. I'm sick of being nice and want to be more assertive but where do I start? And would it be too late now to change since everyone already see me as "nice"?

 

This aura of respect is based around being grounded and centred towards who you are and what you believe. These people don't change what they do or say just because it might make others unhappy or disapprove, rather, they stick to what is true to themselves and those who don't agree can either get over themselves or move on.

An example I use for this all the time is Donald Trump. I disagree with almost everything that comes out of his mouth and would never support him, but I respect him immensely. Why? Because he won't get down on his knees and apologise like most others will when something he says causes a bit of drama. No, he is committed to what he believes and will not let others force him into changing that just because they think otherwise. That's why he is respected, on the base level anyway.

 

I don't think the problem is you being too nice, rather, you not sticking to what you truly believe because you are afraid of what might happen if you are opposed to others.

 

In saying all this, it takes time and practise, and you may just even have to cut off some friendships along the way, but if respect is what you desire, you have to be centred and true to yourself, regardless of the consequences.

[treezy]

Thanks for replying, Louxor.

 

I did manage to find a new job but things are still the same. I'm close to giving my two weeks again (been there less than a month). It's come to a point where I'm convinced the issue lies with me. You're right in fact. I do have a problem with not sticking to my beliefs. I lack confidence and just tend to follow the majority, unfortunately.

 

I might just take a break from working and try to see if I should go back to counselling again.

[SpiralOut]

 

And would it be too late now to change since everyone already see me as "nice"?

 

It is not too late for you to change.

 

What are some things that people say to you that you feel are disrespectful? If you post some examples, we'll be able to give you more specific advice.

[basil67]

I would also be interested in some examples of how friends disrespect you. We can help you come up with ways to address the comments.

[goldengirl11]

I believe I'm a constant victim of DISRESPECT.

 

It appears that people just don't take me seriously. At work, I get spoken to as if I don't matter, as if my tasks are the least important, as though I'm the extra head count. Among friends, I get teased and manipulated, because I often "feel bad" for not being agreeable. I think people know that about me, and they use me for that.

 

I am filled with so much inner anger just thinking about the humiliation I go through. I could accept this as a part of growing up if I was 18 but I am going 30 and I don't think it's normal to have to put up with all these at this age.

 

I want to change.

 

I know people who carry with them an aura that makes others respect, or even fear them but I don't seem to have such power. I'm sick of being nice and want to be more assertive but where do I start? And would it be too late now to change since everyone already see me as "nice"?

 

Hi Treezy

 

I just wanted to say that I sympathise with your situation and can especially relate to your feelings re your treatment by colleagues at work. In fact, I'm currently signed off (stress-related). I also struggle with assertiveness in (lack of) relationships. Am looking into finding assertiveness courses at the moment.

 

Hope you didn't mind me posting!

 

All the best.

Edited August 4, 2016 by goldengirl11

[Cherryz]

Its sure not to late! It never late to better yourself while you alive!

 

And its great that you open this topic.

 

Being assertive and speak up is not a power. Its just know that you matter too.

And having good self esteem helps you more in that also.

It comes from inside out.

 

You can read some books about this topic.(self help books).

And i dont know where you live, but you can search for classes about this.

So you can learn and practice in real and feel more comfortable true that to speak up.

Also tell your teacher what your issue is etc.

 

Most part its about saying no, and stand your ground.

 

With practice you will become more comfortable doing it.

Also choose a sport that you like and become good in it also help you grow and self esteem. Also have a hobby and become good in it.

 

* Its in you, you just need bit of help with the fear that is holding you back.

Dont wait till you blow up. Start today on working on this. You will see you will feel 10 times better and free.

[Cherryz]

You can also have a conversation with your doctor

about how this is effecting you and what are the options he knows of.

 

And see which one suits you better.

 

Or go to a therapist if you feel the need.

 

But eitherway i think you will have to do the work yourself and the steps i just adviced you before. Which is take steps to learn how to be assertive.

[Justanaverageguy]

The confidence and aura certain people carry comes from the energy they carry which is which is built upon many different things in their life.

 

There is no single solution that is going to give you that. Its going to be a combination of things. Treating your body right, good diet and exercise so you feel good about yourself physically. Feeling good emotionally which is built upon being satisfied with your job, satisfied with your love life, achieving personal milestones or goals you wanted to achieve, having healthy friends and family relationships. It also comes from having a strong desire to achieve something. People on a mission have a purpose which gives a structure and framework to put their energy towards and gives a sense of satisfaction and achievement as we move closer to those goals.

 

If you a stuck in a rut - honestly I think the best place to start is with what you put in your body. This is the fuel you use for everything else and if you put the right things in your body jump starts the desire/motivation and puts your attitude in the right place to start positively working on the areas that need work. Once you have this then immediately create a short term goal, mid term goal and long term goal in the different areas of your life you want to improve and start working towards them. They can be as simple as going to the gym everyday.

 

Also personal tip as you sounds a bit down, overwhelmed and unhappy - I would recommend looking at some herbal supplements that can really help rectify negative states of mind. They are not for long term lose just to help you out of the rut - My 2 recommendations would be Licorice root and Ashwaghanda. Both come from eastern medicine and are easy and cheap to get but have big positive effect on energy, stress, anxiety and your attitude and general well being in the short term. Of course check with your doctor etc before taking anything (licorice root can be bad if you have high blood pressure) but they are natural herbs can really help with starting you in the right direction if you are struggling at the moment.

Edited August 4, 2016 by Justanaverageguy

[NTV]

Be more assertive but how?

 

Nope. You tell me how! You have three hours.

 

 

lol

 

 

sorry, I had too.

 

 

One of the best self help tools of all time is a journal. Do you journal? would you be willing to try it if you don't?

 

 

a lot of times my journal has helped me to see patterns of thought that were misplaced, expecially when I was fighting depression. in depression, I was constantly plagued with the thoughts that 'nobody cares about me' --- when I'm not depressed, I could give to shakes of a rat's arse if anyone cares because I care about myself.

 

 

The thing about depression is that's is a sneaky little bastard. It can creep up on you and you wouldn't even know it. If I had seen those thoughts written out, I probably wouldn't have noticed it to go get some help. so yeah, I recommend journaling a lot, and no it won't solve all or probably even most of your problems. But it will probably give you the roadmap to get there.

[treezy]

Thanks for the suggestions!

 

I just left my new job (yes, I know) yesterday. Plan on taking a month or two timeout from work to work on myself and see if things improve.

 

In response to those who asked me how my friends disrespect me, well, I've friends who yell at me when I don't conform to a certain thing they want me to do. I have a friend who tries to sell me something everytime we meet (she's in sales). I've friends who couldn't stand it when I confided in them about some issues I had. Like my last breakup left me suicidal, I confided in a friend and she basically told me to shut up. Never hung out much since.

 

In the office, I used to be in charge of coordinating meetings and projects. People would tell me "OH SO NOW WHOSE DUTY IS MORE IMPORTANT?" or "LEAVE ME ALONE I REALLY HAVE NO TIME FOR THIS PLEASE!" and when I don't get things coordinated I get ticked off by the higher ups who say I don't finish things through. It's just demoralising.

 

I realise that oftentimes when people treat me in such a manner I'd opt to take flight instead of fight. I guess I'm just putting myself in a vicious cycle that way. Someone treats me bad - I exit - enter into another friendship / job - same thing - I exit again - repeat. I guess the issue is probably due to the fact that I never address them upfront. I just disappear from people's radar and never tell them why. Maybe I could keep friendships if only I was assertive enough to tell them that they were disregarding my feelings, etc but who really knows?

[Offspring]

Being assertive is te most mature, but challenging thing, in some ways. Being assertive is about 'responding', whereas being aggressive is about 'reacting'. Running away (flight) is also a reaction, rather than a response.

 

There is nothing wrong with walking away and saying nothing if you don't take the angst or disappointment with you (in other words, if you don't internalise it). If you can find a way of remaining centred and balanced without their words and actions affecting you, this may be a solution (and hope that they wake up to themselves with the silence that you leave them with).

 

Assertiveness involves saying how you feel in a calm and self-determined manner.

 

Some examples of how you could deal with a co-worker who raises their voice:

 

1) "im only over here, there is no need to yell at me.. (in a calm voice) Now, what did you want to tell me?"

 

2) "I like our interactions, but are you aware that you are raising your voice at me"?

 

Or, you could take them aside and say that "before, i felt that you raised your voice at me... Am i wrong in perceiving that?" (They'll answer you somehow), then you can say "that made me feel really uncomfortable". Regardless of what their answer to your first statement / question is, stick to "that made me feel uncomfortable" and leave it at that. If they push for more, or it escalates, say "id rather not talk about it now, ive got work to do" and walk away. Failing that, you could always document the interactions and make a formal complaint of bullying.

[Offspring]

With regards to co-workers brushing you off:

 

Human beings are complicated things. You've got to make things seem like they were their ideas, or make them feel important in some way.

 

Perhaps it is in your approach.

 

If you want something from somebody at work:

 

"Hi XXX, i can see your're really busy (or quick comment about the weekend, or how they did something really well last week).. Do you have a moment?" If they indicate yes, quickly make your request... If they respond postively, ask "when could i expect it?" " Is there anything i can do to help?". Try not to be so literal, flatter them a bit.

 

If they answer no to your request, or try to dismiss you, get a commitment out of them.."when would be a good time to come back"? Or "how about i swing by in 45 mins and see gow you're travelling then"?

 

The friends thing.. Don't worry about useless friends who turn their backs when you want something. A way to go about it is to speak up about how you really needed support and felt like there was no one there, or just withdraw yourself from them, as it seems to be a one-sided alliance. Invest only in those who will invest in you.

Edited August 8, 2016 by Offspring

[NTV]

Had another suggestion, next time you're somewhere public or in your house (really anywhere not work or child related) and someone disrespects you.... cuss them out.

 

 

Maybe not a big stream of cuss words, but a quick 'hey, f you for talking to me like that.' ?

 

 

Could be the empowerment you need, maybe?

[Offspring]

Maybe not a big stream of cuss words, but a quick 'hey, f you for talking to me like that.' ?

 

 

Could be the empowerment you need, maybe?

 

It's funny actually, i have often been told i can 'kill' with a look! I have this way of giving off 'pissed off' vibes, which may or may not also involve a bit of stern and probing eye contact!

 

I usually fire off what i call a 'warning shot' if somebody is grating on my nerves. Eg, a lady i worked with kept hurrying me to make a bed (i'm in the caring profession), and was a bit abrupt in her manner and showed general disrespect. She had been for about an hour before making the bed. Anyway, i looked up, and said very abruptly (but, straight to the point), "i am going as fast as i can, i'll be over that side in a minute". That is usually followed by a 1-2 second confrontational eye-contact. If she had have pushed it any further, i would have come out with the "you've been talking to me in an abrupt manner all morning, you need to stop", but it didn't get to that! I find the warning shots are actually quite effective

Edited August 10, 2016 by Offspring