What is wrong with dating someone who lives in the basement of his parent's house?

[taiko]

It is an unfortunate part of our culture that we care more about independence than the family unit. We are so fast to separate or "push out of the nest" on the beginning of life and then we are surprised that those of us that did the pushing are warehoused away from family at the end of their lives.

 

Dealing with other cultures where all are expected to stay in family units until married those that leave without the reason of moving away for work are seen by others as people who will not commit to the family unit and are more likely to cut and run and face the same prejudice as the base culture on this board is sending towards those who stay with family and not someone from Craig's list

[Gr8fuln2020]

LOL The new thing is for guys who do this to say "I live here because I'm helping my mom/dad out".

 

Yeah, right.

 

I've heard that same line enough to know what it means now. It's just a line thrown out to blur and obfuscate the image of a "momma's boy".

 

Because a manly-man don't want to be known as that, right?

 

Well, behind the smoke and mirror that's exactly what they are. NOT independent, they are semi-dependent on mom.

 

Okay, but this does not describe my friend at all. Does he love his mother? Yes! Is he a momma's boy? Well, if only referring to the pejorative elements of the definition...no. He has never lived with his mother/parents in the past and currently is considering to do so b/c he is making a transition. The more I read and realize his situation, the more I am to encourage him to move in with his mother (short term). I wish I had parents who were in the position to help and encourage me to take their offer of support.

[Gr8fuln2020]

It is an unfortunate part of our culture that we care more about independence than the family unit. We are so fast to separate or "push out of the nest" on the beginning of life and then we are surprised that those of us that did the pushing are warehoused away from family at the end of their lives.

 

Dealing with other cultures where all are expected to stay in family units until married those that leave without the reason of moving away for work are seen by others as people who will not commit to the family unit and are more likely to cut and run and face the same prejudice as the base culture on this board is sending towards those who stay with family and not someone from Craig's list

 

Good points, taiko. Our American culture has little respect for men, especially, who may have sincere, familial intentions by staying home or close to family. A sign of real manhood is to move away and if be, struggle unnecessarily by pretending that he has all of the answers and avoiding help from kin. My friend is a little like that and has been independent all his life...and still is. For the first time, he has been given an opportunity to not take on so much as a single parent and his family, as it has for years now, has offered to help by helping him transition w/o addition to any other stressors.

 

Part of the reason why I asked the original question was to find out, barring any other red flags, why would a woman refuse to have a relationship with a man that has it together in EVERY way, but he lives in his mother's basement? Why is it okay to day a woman who is still living in her parents' basement? That was a rhetorical question. Of course I understand the difference and it's cultural bias. I mean, what does one think of when a woman is still living with family? She doesn't have her crap together, right? Right.

 

It's crazy...I don't know a guy who has his crap together more than my friend in question. He's good looking, smart as hades, approachable, athletic and can be fiercely loyal. Dang...

Edited July 21, 2016 by simpleNfit

[elaine567]

I don't know a guy who has his crap together more than my friend in question. He's good looking, smart as hades, approachable, athletic and can be fiercely loyal. Dang...

 

Well if that is the case and apparently he is not going to be staying there for life, then what really is the problem?

Seems the goal posts just got moved here.

[ufo8mycat]

Well if that is the case and apparently he is not going to be staying there for life, then what really is the problem?

Seems the goal posts just got moved here.

 

Agreed. If it is only short term during a transition of sorts - what is the issue? The OP was framed quite differently. I have a friend living with her parents as her relationship broke down and she is in her 30's. Its short term. *Shrug*.

 

I get that you really like this guy but you fail to acknowledge that to a stranger - you can only take things at face value.

 

If a guy was a home short term, making active moves to get him self set up. I wouldn't have an issue. But that isn't the question your OP posed.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I’m just going to throw this out there. Went to California to visit my brother and his son (my nephew of course) lives at home. Now does spend some significant time at his girlfriends but does not “officially” live with her. He is a software engineer in Silicon Valley and makes low six figures is 33, has ridiculous bank account but drives around in an old 1994 Honda, dresses kinda like a bum. I love him dearly, is a great guy, funny, intelligent handsome dude but his cavalier attitude towards life and women would not make his let’s just say “husband” material because he is selfish.

 

Maybe he would be cool in a full-fledged relationship. Has been with same girlfriend for several years now but told me (nobody else knows as of yet) he is going to break up with her, is planning a trip to Thailand with a bunch of his old military buds has not told her. Going for a month.

 

I got out of my parents home at 18 and the thought I would be living with them past 18 for any reason would be mind-boggling, kids do so nowadays and is incomprehensible to me at least but to each their own.

Not necessarily millennial bashing, although the behaviors of many baffle me…

Continuing to live with parents creates a mental and financial safety net that kids should want to grow out of, those who choose NOT TO, creates a dependency that does not nor will ever translate to a relationship with a significant other.

 

I know I’m old fashioned and have heard all the excuses (I work on a college campus, I listen to what these kids say) but any woman who would consider such a dude ignoring an obvious red flag does not make sense to me. At home for college MAYBE... Especially if SHE is on her own, just asking for trouble. IMHO

 

I think the only time it would be okay for a woman is if she

 

1. She was a college student living with her parents.

2. HE was a college student living with their parents.

 

See...though they are past 18, they still have college to get through, so living with your parents until your say, graduated college...is rather common. Even I did it until my early 20s.

[Gloria25]

Well, I was talking with a friend of mine about my current guy breaking it off with me today and she really believes that it had to do with me proposing us moving in together. She believes he may have taken it as me insulting him cuz I was relaying to her all the things he was saying to me today about the moving in and gosh, I'm upset cuz that was not my intent.

 

While I'm glad to say that I respect that he has pride and isn't like the bunch of people just shacking-up with people they barely know...the fact he ascribes so much venom to me just hurts.

 

Reminds me of a Sex and the City where Samantha's messing around with a guy got him fired and she offered money to him cuz she felt bad; and, he tossed the money back at her and angrily said like 'Lady, I don't need your money'...and, she was dumbfounded cuz she wasn't trying to insult him or anything.

 

I don't know, just my luck that I found a decent guy - whom I managed to offend. Great.

 

Oh well, what's done is done. I royally f-d this one up.

 

So, as it relates to the topic. IMO, women - don't ever offer to move in with a guy. A real man will think you insulted him. And, don't follow everyone else. Yeah, just cuz everyone else is mooching off their parents and moving in with people instead of figuring it out - doesn't mean you need to jump on that bandwagon.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Sorry about that Gloria25. Tough. My friend has decided to move in short term and take advantage of the financial boost he will get from the invitation. He doesn't have to and is financially solid, but saving more for his kids college and travel is not a bad idea. When he dates or starts to, he'll make the move out. His family is aware that his moving in is temporary, though some members of his family insist that it is smarter to stay long term...they are clearly not thinking about him dating...:-)

[Lois_Griffin]

It's crazy...I don't know a guy who has his crap together more than my friend in question. He's good looking, smart as hades, approachable, athletic and can be fiercely loyal. Dang...

Methinks the 'friend' in question here is actually the OP.

[Gloria25]

Sorry about that Gloria25. Tough. My friend has decided to move in short term and take advantage of the financial boost he will get from the invitation. He doesn't have to and is financially solid, but saving more for his kids college and travel is not a bad idea. When he dates or starts to, he'll make the move out. His family is aware that his moving in is temporary, though some members of his family insist that it is smarter to stay long term...they are clearly not thinking about him dating...:-)

 

Well, I hope your friend stays with family for sake of his child. The child is already missing an intact home (mommy and daddy married and working/loving together); and, extended family is the next best support system.

 

But why would he move out just cuz he's dating? Again, IMO, his child should be priority and he shouldn't deprive his kid of a support system (extended family) so that he can keep one side of his bed warm.

 

See, that's why my fav podcaster - instead of usually recommending dating but not introducing your kids to the person you're dating - that you don't date at all. Cuz, as in your friend's case, he already is making decisions more about what would work best for his dating prospects (not living with extended family) rather than what's best for his kid. So, I gather if he meets someone and think she's "ok", he's gonna move out and she'll meet his kid and when they break up, the kid is gonna suffer another loss after getting emotionally attached to whomever he is dating...and, the cycle will just go on and on as he dates other women. And, 2nd marriages, especially with kids involved, have an over 70% divorce rate. In other words, even if he meets someone he might see like he could marry they more than likely will divorce and/or have problems (his ex, his child and children he may have with her) and again, his children will loose.

 

About my situation? You're response is "tough"? Geesh, and as if what I had to go through yesterday wasn't harsh enough. Again, I just find it really f-d up when every idiot out there who just met each other are shacking up; and, when I like a fool, decided to propose it (with good intentions) to my guy, that he would be offended to my proposal - without even considering that I made a mistake, talking about it, and moving past it. I moved past it from the first day I sent him that text (the day after I proposed it to him) where I told him that if he didn't want to, I was cool...But, I guess he still thinks I want him to move in and he can't move past this.

[veggirl]

It is an unfortunate part of our culture that we care more about independence than the family unit. We are so fast to separate or "push out of the nest" on the beginning of life and then we are surprised that those of us that did the pushing are warehoused away from family at the end of their lives.

 

Dealing with other cultures where all are expected to stay in family units until married those that leave without the reason of moving away for work are seen by others as people who will not commit to the family unit and are more likely to cut and run and face the same prejudice as the base culture on this board is sending towards those who stay with family and not someone from Craig's list

 

My family unit is super strong. I see them weekly, typically. That doesn't mean we have to all live together! Expecting a grown adult (OP said 26?) to be on their own is normal...what's with the new thing of infantilizing grown ADULTS?

[deep_night]

im not judgemental about that. its none of my business while we 're dating. maybe because i wouldnt play house with someone im just dating anyway. i would move in with a boyfriend only if we were engaged or married. and i wouldnt get engaged or married to someone who hasn't proved with actions that he will go the extra mile to contribute in the house and to show that he's taking the whole thing seriously.

[Gr8fuln2020]

im not judgemental about that. its none of my business while we 're dating. maybe because i wouldnt play house with someone im just dating anyway. i would move in with a boyfriend only if we were engaged or married. and i wouldnt get engaged or married to someone who hasn't proved with actions that he will go the extra mile to contribute in the house and to show that he's taking the whole thing seriously.

 

This is understandable.

 

He is making a transition from one state to another. The move is rather huge in terms of job, travel, logistics and still dealing with ex. (Over about 2 years ago???). Has a kid. I think moving in with his mother is a good idea the more I think about it....short term...

 

@Gloria25. He's young and perhaps felt cornered. It's an understatement to say that he was not ready for such a leap, but you were offering, not insisting. Perhaps it was an out for him?! An excuse to break it off?

 

Yeah, he is definitely going to be very careful about introducing his kids to anyone he dates. Tricky. One never knows if a relationship, however initially promising, will work out or not.

[Gloria25]

This is understandable.

 

He is making a transition from one state to another. The move is rather huge in terms of job, travel, logistics and still dealing with ex. (Over about 2 years ago???). Has a kid. I think moving in with his mother is a good idea the more I think about it....short term...

 

@Gloria25. He's young and perhaps felt cornered. It's an understatement to say that he was not ready for such a leap, but you were offering, not insisting. Perhaps it was an out for him?! An excuse to break it off?

 

Yeah, he is definitely going to be very careful about introducing his kids to anyone he dates. Tricky. One never knows if a relationship, however initially promising, will work out or not.

 

I guess he felt cornered; hence, him backing off from me even though I clearly took moving in off the table. But still, why not just say what was on his mind - that he felt me asking him to move in was a push for our RL to go to a place he's not ready for...hello COMMUNICATION.

 

But I don't know I think he's lying about a "guy" visiting him this week. He told me he was "preparing" for this friend's visit. In other words, I'm guessing he was busting his butt cleaning up his "dude's pad". Guys don't clean up for visits from other guys. He's doing this cuz it's probably his ex (A FEMALE) is indeed doing a "surprise" visit, cuz now that he's passing the exam, she wants in again. Nice.

 

Well, he can have her and all the drama that comes with chicks like her from my country. I see/saw how they work American guys. I'm not like those chicks. Funny how she didn't cough up money to come for his graduation and "surprise" him and spend time with him and his family, but now that he's passing his exam she has this need to "surprise" him with a visit (yeah, so she can work him without family around). Well, she probably wants a green card and a lawyer, so guaranteed an "oops" pregnancy is gonna happen along with the games that chicks like her from my country play. I don't get why guys fall for that crap. I'm too nice. I don't manipulate and use, so I'm boring to him and other guys. I guess she's more of a "challenge"?

 

Another reason I suspect a woman's coming to see him this week? When his family came for his graduation, we were texting back and forth on the regular and he even told me that if I had free time, to let him know so we could sneak away. But, for this "guy" that's visiting him this week...oh no, he hasn't offered me the same. So, he's probably burning up the sheets with her cuz he's not doing it with me.

 

Just makes me sad that he won't just let me know he has unresolved issues with her. You can't tell me you need me, expect me to open up, sleepover, etc. - when you had your ex on your mind the whole time.

 

So, I have to sit here like an idiot and play like I believe this story about a "guy" coming to visit him and let it go. Maybe he won't tell me its her cuz he wants to see what she has to offer when she comes into town this week before he really breaks it off with me. But, I'm sure she's gonna lay it on thick to lock him down. So, oh well.

 

So, to answer your question. I'm not sure if he's backing off and making up a story about a guy visiting or that a guy is really visiting and he's putting distance between us cuz he feels "cornered"; OR, indeed it's his fairweather ex - who wants to come into the picture to see what she can get from him now that he passed his exam.

 

How does that saying go, if you love something you gotta let it go and see if it comes back to you? Well, what else can I do here? Nothing? If he wants to let her play him for the fool, then go ahead. I need a real man in my life, real men don't fall for games by silly girls.

 

It just hurts so much cuz I really thought he felt more and if indeed he's with his ex right now, it just hurts that he could just turn me off like that. Reminds me of that movie with Queen Latifah movie, "Mr. Wright". It was about a basketball star who suffered an injury. Well, his wife or gf or whatever dumped him as soon as he lost his contract to play ball. And, here comes Queen Latifah, she's supportive, gets him back on his feet and when he starts playing again - here comes the ex with her sob story about how she got scared, etc.; and, he pretty much was falling for it. I didn't care to see the rest of the movie cuz in real life, seems like it's the manipulators (like the ex) that always win.

Edited July 31, 2016 by Gloria25

[Gr8fuln2020]

It sounds to me he did over-react. Could have been EASILY resolved, but, frankly, he chose not to b/c he wanted out.

 

I'm sorry, but what country are you from?

[Gloria25]

It sounds to me he did over-react. Could have been EASILY resolved, but, frankly, he chose not to b/c he wanted out.

 

I'm sorry, but what country are you from?

 

I feel like that too. That cuz he wanted out, he overreacted.

 

I don't wanna say what country I'm cuz not sure who comes to this board. Can I PM you?

Edited August 1, 2016 by Gloria25

[Gr8fuln2020]

I feel like that too. That cuz he wanted out, he overreacted.

 

I don't wanna say what country I'm cuz not sure who comes to this board. Can I PM you?

 

Yes and yes.

[Gloria25]

Yes and yes.

 

Can you PM me? I don't see the option to PM you.

Edited August 1, 2016 by Gloria25

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

In California, rent and housing is one of the most expensive states here