Last Chance to Leave - July

[New_Wife]

Why?

 

I don't get it. I don't know you, and I'm not trying to rip on you - but why would you put yourself out there to be emotionally ruined, financially ruined, carreer in tatters and homeless for this man?

 

Besides heartache and empty promises - what has he really offered you? A home? Shoot, you cook and clean - I'll let you come live with me!

 

I haven't read your whole story, but it seems like you are selling your future entirely to short by putting up with this. You'll turn around and find yourelf 40 years old, childless, and wondering where you life went if you don't get ahold of this now. Why are you waiting for July's end? So you can be the next wife he grows tired of?

 

Honey, if he really loved you - he'd already be gone. Men get divorced all the time. It's not the apocolypse.

 

Please full stop and get yourself in a better situation. Do you really want to bring a baby into this when you are on such insecure footing? What then? He tires of you and now you're homeless and jobless with a baby?

 

If he really loves you - he will really love you living on your own, and he living on his own. I'm sorry, but my BS meter went off long ago reading about the deadlines.

[Miffy]

I suppose only time will tell - if he is moving out to be with Marie then she could be waiting for signs right up to the deadline - we've all seen men packing - a pair of underpants, socks and a toothbrush!

 

It's the non discussions over his wife that concern me Marie, why isn't he involving you, discussing with you if you are now his emotional rock? If he is going to leave her in approx 3 weeks time surely he has thought about it and put the things in motion. I hope to god it's not one of those 'he starts an argument and goes'.

 

It would be so unfair to wife if that was the case, she will wonder what the hell is wrong - he will go back to comfort or you may even have distraught wife on your hands.

 

Have you arranged back up, I know we talked about it early on in this post? I know you said you will be deastated if he does not leave - are you serious with the ultimatum and if so have you thought it through?

 

All above is said with a caring tone, I am not an OW basher!!!

[Marie1973]

Hey Miffy

 

Thanks for all your advice . You really seem like a nice person from the way you write your posts compared to other people on here. Yes i am really serious about the end of july. I reached my limit this time.

 

We don't discuss the wife situation cause he said its his problem & doesn't want me involved in any way. He said its his problem to deal with & not for me to worry about. I don't really want to know anyway, to be honest.

 

 

NewWife - what r u talking about when u say that i'll be homeless & jobless? I Have a great job that i will still have no matter what happens with my OM. I will not be homeless, I am very financiall secure. I am no where near broke. So i have no idea where this "jobless & homeless" came into the picture.

 

I know my story sounds crazy. But I am giving my MM the benefit of the doubt. If he leaves, we could finally start our lives together. If not, we have to move on. Only time will tell like MIffy said.

[Marie1973]

ok guys

 

less than 3 weeks to go

i am preparing myself for the worst!!

 

its time to crap or get of the pot~!!

[Miffy]

Any positive signs yet?

 

Here for you Marie, I go on holiday the day your deadline ends so I will have to catch up with you then, stay on here whatever happens.

[Owl]

Marie-

 

He doesn't want you involved in the wife/family situation because he really doesn't want you to know the truth of what's going on there. This excuse he's provided you is as old as time...

 

Honestly, I recommend that you lay down the law now...what are you doing to make this happen? Actions speak louder than words...if he's not taking any visible action, then I wouldn't wait until the end of the month.

 

He's simply doing the best he can to string this along for as long as he can.

 

Regardless, I wish you well.

[Marie1973]

Thanks miffy & owl

 

NO signs yet, but i will give him these last 3 weeks to make his move.

There aren't any excuses left for him to give me. So its either now or never.

 

I am going to show some action, at the end of July. I"m gone for good if he doesn't make his move.

Its going to be hard, but i no longer want to be in this relationship if doesn't leave.

 

I'm sick of waiting.

[Marie1973]

Hey guys

 

Last night i couldn't sleep. I kept thinking what if he doesn't leave & i have

to end it. I couldn't stop crying.

This is going to be sooooooo hard for me.

We could be sooooooooo happy if he did leave.

 

 

I'm really starting to get scared.

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Originally posted by Marie1973

 

NO signs yet, I'm sick of waiting.

 

Why do you put your happiness in his control.. Get a grip ..

 

Isn't No sign really a sign ?

 

Try and Step Back and think that you are better than that.. Pick yourself up and move on.. Decide for him

[Marie1973]

You guys are all right.

I should move on, but i will give him til the end of july.

 

that was our agreement

[Deep Blue]

Marie, I really hope that things work out for you the way that you would like. I really do.

 

I know what it is like to love someone deeply, completely. You can read about my own crazy situation in another thread, if you have the time. But honestly, I am worried for you, because of the depth of your feelings for this man, and what would you feel if things didn't go the way you would like.

 

I know from past experiences, that if someone really wanted to be with you, they would make every effort to be with you. Even if things take time (to unwind things from another relationship, as in your case), there should be signs that he is at least starting the process Do you see such signs?

 

I would like to say that I think it is decent of you that you are giving him this time. But please, stick by this deadline firmly, whichever way it goes. If you haven't seen any real action on his part to be with you, or if he tries to extend the deadline, then do leave him as you agreed. Otherwise you'll lose credibility, and he will know that he can string you along indefinitively.

[shygurl]

I think it's incredibly sad that a seemingly bright woman would fall for this horse sh*t. Why, Marie, are you giving him all the power here? You're allowing HIM to choose what your fate will be. Sure, you think that YOU'RE the one in control by giving him until the end of July but let's face it, it's nearly mid July and the guy isn't even wanting to discuss with you what his plans are, how he's going to leave, how he's going to tell his wife, not a word. I'll tell you why he's not telling you anything - because he has no plans. Remember how you gave him the letter informing him that he had until the end of July and he just ripped it up? That was very telling.

 

It would say a helluva lot more about where his head and heart are if he moved in with you NOW as opposed to maybe waiting until the very deadline.

[Marie1973]

Hello

 

Yes u r right deep blue, if he wanted to really be with me, nothing would stop him. So we will see.

Don't worry I am sticking to my deadline, the end of July. I have to. My friends are all getting prepared

in case the worst happens. They are all going to be there for me & help me get through it.

 

It has to be over, this time. I gave him 1 full year to leave, thats plenty of time. I don't want to wake up

one day & i'm 40 & still in the same position with him.

I refuse to let that happen.

So its now or NEVER!

 

I know that if he doesn't leave, he WILL regret it big time for the rest of his life.

We have such a strong, wonderful relationship, that is hard to live without.

[RecordProducer]

Marie, I salute your decision. I wish you to find your happiness with some great single guy.

You know, many married women do leave their wives, but many of them don't. I hope you have wisdom enough to figure out yourself what he is likely to do. I guess by definition the ones who are so unhappy that they have nothing good with their wives (only fights and stress) are most likely to leave. Especially if they have grown children. On the other hand such guys are less attractive for women outside the marriage.

But the ones who live their lives to the fullest won't just pack their bags and slam the doors of the past.

In any case, you have given him enough time and your relationship may only go downwards if you keep seeing him. He will be more likely to leave his wife if he really loves you (which he probably does) if you cut him off and move on. When he sees you with another man, he might go crazy and want you back. But you need to really move on, not just pretend to be happy without him and desperately wait for his phone call. Once you quit the relationship, you will see how much easier you will feel in a few months.

[shygurl]

Originally posted by Marie1973

 

 

I know that if he doesn't leave, he WILL regret it big time for the rest of his life.

We have such a strong, wonderful relationship, that is hard to live without.

 

How strong is it if he's been stringing you along for a whole entire year now and he's still with his wife? How wonderful of a relationship is that? You're very deep in denial and you're letting a man make the choices for your life. You shouldn't have to give someone you love/who's supposed to love you, an ultimatum. A year is way more than enough time for him to have made his decision. He's got the best of both worlds - 2 women who adore him and the ability to not have to make a choice. He's had a whole year of love and sex and fun times with you but where is he right now? He's with his wife. Sorry but you're so deep into denial that it's very sad.

[Marie1973]

Shygurl -

 

You ask me where is he now with his wife? No he is not with his wife right now, his wife & daughters

live down the shore for the whole summer, 3 full months.

 

Yes you are right

But according to him the timing was off, birthday, christmas, etc.

Now he said end of July he has no reason to put it off. He did say this morning that he still is leaving

by the end of July. So 3 weeks & counting.

[Miffy]

It will be hard for you Marie, there's no way around that aspect unfortunately. Is he being reassuring at all or is it just an 'avoided subject'?

 

Please have some self respect and ditch him if he doesn't make his move this time, no more chances.

 

If he does not move in this time he never will, it's horrible but you have to accept that he did not love you enough. Nothing's worth second best - the relationship should make you happy - right now all your vibes are giving out scared, unhappy, upset - as if his reassurances are empty.

 

If you don't trust him to act on his promise this time should you really be with him?

 

Start looking at the 'coping' forum for advise on No Contact, things to do to get over him.

 

No matter what, keep your dignity and self respect - absolutely no begging, absolutely no wailing 'but you promised'. Be as matter of fact as you can be - close the door on him - then in privacy go to pieces.

 

Make out tha it is his loss and move on, pretend he's dead, whatever it takes, find time to grieve but do it with people you can trust who are unconnected to him completely.

[whichwayisup]

LB is right, get some 'emotional' support ready, a therapist, just incase.

 

Right now your mind, body and soul can't imagine life without him. My fear right now is, he will tell you end of the summer, and to just hang on abit longer, then give you another excuse yet promise you, again, he will move in with you and all will be fine and dandy - And you'll say OK to all that. I do hope you have the strength in you to say game over and walk away...He has a hold on you whether you like it or not and I think it will be harder for you to end it...I hope it works out but from an outsiders view in, it doesn't look too good - EVEN though you both are having fun, laughing and being silly - That isn't reality...Reality is he can't make up his mind and he's down playing wtf he is going to do. Sadly, his final decision is gonna totally break your heart. I hope I'm wrong.

[lynnspies1]

....or he will leave, and then like my husband did, only stay away a few days and then go back to his wife who will be an emotional mess because she is not prepared for the bomb he is about to drop on her. He will feel pressured to help and support his wife and his children and will feel drawn back to them.

 

I like the rest wish the best for you Marie. I have seen the amount of time and energy you have invested in this man. I can't help but also feel empathy for his wife and kids. You and the MM have been preparing for this for a long time, the wife on the other hand has no clue and will need time and answers to what happened. What will happen if she flips out and needs him, calls him, etc?

 

Just stuff I would be thinking about, and I know I am not you, and yes my H cheated and yes, I am still bitter but getting better. I do wish you the best were ever this path ends.

[Marie1973]

Whichwayisup/Lynn

 

I see exactly what u r saying. But I will not make any more extensions with my MM, its now or never.

I reached my limit. It takes me awhile to get there but once i'm there, thats it.

 

When & if he leaves, his wife won't need him & call him. She lives down the shore for 3 months, what

kind of marriage do u have if u don't see your husband for 3 months, obviously not a good one. My parents

couldn't go 1 day without seeing each other.

 

His kids might need him but they are older 18 & 17, the oldest one goes to college this august.So its not

like they are babies. They see how distant their parents are, they know what is going on.

 

But only time will tell.

I'm done after July, i promise you. NO MORE

[LucreziaBorgia]

what kind of marriage do u have if u don't see your husband for 3 months

 

Yep, that sounds pretty bleak to me. There are a few possibilities:

 

1. They co-exist as lifelong family partners - where they don't miss each other when they are gone (sort of like being away from your parents/cousins/siblings/etc - you don't miss them when you don't see them but you don't care for them any less - a relationship not of lovers but of partners and family)

2. They really do dislike each other and prefer not to spend time together.

3. The W knows the deal and is preparing for it on her own and will pop you both with a surprise of her own.

4. The W knows the deal, has lived with similar 'deals' in the past and simply doesn't care because she knows he won't really leave her (see #1).

5. The W really is clueless, indifferent to spending time with her H, and is enjoying her beach time alone.

6. The W is having her own A.

 

... the possibilities are endless.

 

The bottom line: be prepared for any and all outcomes, and take protective measures for yourself ahead of time. Think of the most horrible outcome, and prepare yourself mentally for it. Don't let anything blindside you. If things go your way, then that will be a happy surprise. If they don't, then you are already prepared for that outcome.

[Marie1973]

Lucrezia -

 

Yes all those are possibilities, however i think u hit it right on the nose with #2.

But yes i am prepared for any of those possibilities. I am prepared for the worst.

 

Thanks

[Debster]

I know a family who appear to be very happily married (mind you, you NEVER know). He works from home so in the summer, he stays at the cottage and works from there. She stays in the city with the kids and then they come to the cottage every couple of weeekends. That marriage is solid.

 

I also think that you might be oversimplifying the wife's and children's reactions. Even at 18, divorce and separation can be hard for kids. I think you need to prepare for there to be a big adjustment period where there will be a lot of communication between the MM and his wife, and his kids. It's not a smooth split.

[Marie1973]

2 weeks & counting guys

[Miffy]

Hi Marie, how's things? Any signs either way? Has he talked to his wife yet?