A Fly onThe Wall Posted July 25, 2005 Share Posted July 25, 2005 Originally posted by SoftDrink it seems to me that there are a thousand doubts. In fact from my view ( as a fly on wall ) there are nothing but doubts .. Link to post Share on other sites
sunflower1008 Posted July 25, 2005 Share Posted July 25, 2005 There may be doubts in all our eyes, but not Marie's. Those are the only eyes she's concerned about. Fly said it best .. "You love him differently than he loves you...simple". Link to post Share on other sites
A Fly onThe Wall Posted July 25, 2005 Share Posted July 25, 2005 Originally posted by sunflower1008 There may be doubts in all our eyes, but not Marie's. Those are the only eyes she's concerned about. Good point sunflower ... Link to post Share on other sites
SoftDrink Posted July 25, 2005 Share Posted July 25, 2005 Originally posted by sunflower1008 There may be doubts in all our eyes, but not Marie's. Those are the only eyes she's concerned about. Fly said it best .. "You love him differently than he loves you...simple". but marie is the one who matters, not us. and she is looking for help or advice or whatever. and she obviously has doubts or this post would not have been written. of course she is going to say she believes he loves her; she doesn't want to believe the truth because she wants to be with him. these next 6 days are her way of gripping onto the hope of something that will never come, and then it is going to crash to the ground. and then it's "how do i get him back" or "giving him til the end of next july." as long as she ignores the doubts and convinces herself that he loves her, this will not end. Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted July 25, 2005 Share Posted July 25, 2005 as long as she ignores the doubts and convinces herself that he loves her, this will not end. yes i do agree with this, its a tricky one, what do you think marie? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 25, 2005 Share Posted July 25, 2005 As I said all along, I don't doubt he has deep feelings for her, even love, but not enough to change his whole life. He is set in his ways, has a comfortable lifestyle so changing that is going to be very hard on him. His actions show he is not ready to disrupt things. Selfish? Ofcourse. He is fully aware of the pain he's causing Marie, and that is just plain cruel now. She knows this too, she has her eyes open more now than ever. The hope isn't there as it once was. Link to post Share on other sites
Marie1973 Posted July 25, 2005 Share Posted July 25, 2005 Originally posted by whichwayisup As I said all along, I don't doubt he has deep feelings for her, even love, but not enough to change his whole life. He is set in his ways, has a comfortable lifestyle so changing that is going to be very hard on him. His actions show he is not ready to disrupt things. Selfish? Ofcourse. He is fully aware of the pain he's causing Marie, and that is just plain cruel now. She knows this too, she has her eyes open more now than ever. The hope isn't there as it once was. Hey guys- Which way, u took the words right out of my mouth. Ok there is no doubt in my mind that he loves me, at all. I just think he loves me, but is very selfish about it. He doesn't want to give up what he has for me. But I think that he doesn't love me enough to change his lifestyle, lose 1/2 of his money etc. If he did he wouldn't care what he lost, as long as we were together. I would give up everything i had to be with this man! Its obvious that my love for him is so much stronger if he doesn't leave. I am prepared for the worst. Link to post Share on other sites
joodee Posted July 25, 2005 Share Posted July 25, 2005 Marie1973, I remember reading that this was your first time on your own, in an apartment, is that correct? The reason I ask (and you may have covered this in a previous post) is that someone said to look at what you are getting from this experience. When I look back and try to find the good that came out of my experience with and MM is this: I found out what I would do for true love (which I thought it was). Okay, don't laugh, but I was 39, about a month away from 40, when I got together with the MM. I was still living with my parents. (Nobody laugh, please). Meeting him and getting together with him gave me that mental kick, that motivation I needed to get my own apartment, and I did two months into our relationship. I did because I wanted to be completely open and available for the next boyfriend, which was him. I didn't want to be in another relationship while living at home. And it wasn't for him to move into my place, he hase his own place, and his W hasn't lived with him for years. I wanted to have an adult relationship and be an adult and have my own identity. This is what I did when I felt that he could be the one, I made myself availabe and was completely honest with him. I cut my baggage. Now I realize that he doesn't love me enough to do the same, and a guy who loves you enough will. I wanted to share this with you and I hope it makes sense and I hope it makes sense. Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted July 25, 2005 Share Posted July 25, 2005 yes joodee, you got something good out of this then, you now have your own place and you have the rest of your life to look forward to. the same goes for you marie if this is what you have done. for me it is a little different and i'm not quite sure what i have got from it, except a greater understanding. but marie i'm afraid it is true that these mm come out with similar words to keep us going, i dont think i'm completely at the point that i have let go of that, i still have moments when i want to believe that my situation is different, but i know it isnt. i dont know if any of us will ever really know the truth of what the mm's feelings for us were/are, or what purpose we served. i have come up with a theory lately that we are almost like the rebound relationship except one that occurs simultaneously with the current one (wife). at the end of the day, the emotions mm does/does not have for us is irrelevant, because it is an impossible situation, one that we can never win. Link to post Share on other sites
Marie1973 Posted July 26, 2005 Share Posted July 26, 2005 Hello NO i still live home with my parents. We got an apartment but neither of us live there yet. It is just sitting there wasting money. Nothing wrong with living with your parents, no reason for anyone to laugh joddee. I am saving all my money, no bills. What's so funny about that? Newby, I thought my relationship with my MM was different also. When everyone said that he won't leave, I believed in my heart, to this day, that he wouldn't hurt me like that. He will leave. I'm starting to think that everyone was right. I so don't want to here "I told you so", but I'll be hearing that in less than 1 week. Link to post Share on other sites
A Fly onThe Wall Posted July 26, 2005 Share Posted July 26, 2005 Not one person here will say " I told you so " .. Were all here if you need us .. You need support and that is what you will get ... Link to post Share on other sites
sunflower1008 Posted July 26, 2005 Share Posted July 26, 2005 Not one person here will say " I told you so " .. Were all here if you need us .. You need support and that is what you will get ... You said it great Fly............HOW TRUE........what ever happens Marie, how ever it turns out, we're here for you. On a lighter note, look everyone - I'm new to this forum and I finally learned how to do that quote thing...haha Link to post Share on other sites
Rosalind Posted July 26, 2005 Share Posted July 26, 2005 Originally posted by sunflower1008 You said it great Fly............HOW TRUE........what ever happens Marie, how ever it turns out, we're here for you. On a lighter note, look everyone - I'm new to this forum and I finally learned how to do that quote thing...haha That's good, but you didn't indicate WHO said that quote - it's a pet peeve of mine, having to search every single response to see who that quote belongs to. Click the 'quote' button under the person who has replied...and you can also quote several people by doing that. Anyways Marie, I've been sitting on pins and needles waiting to hear the outcome of your story...and I've never even been an OW!...LOL Link to post Share on other sites
sunflower1008 Posted July 26, 2005 Share Posted July 26, 2005 Originally posted by Rosalind That's good, but you didn't indicate WHO said that quote - it's a pet peeve of mine, having to search every single response to see who that quote belongs to. Click the 'quote' button under the person who has replied...and you can also quote several people by doing that. Thanks Rosalind....and by the way, love your icon. Cats are great! Link to post Share on other sites
Rosalind Posted July 26, 2005 Share Posted July 26, 2005 Originally posted by sunflower1008 Thanks Rosalind....and by the way, love your icon. Cats are great! Thanks hun...I adore your avatar too. Kitty-cats rule! Link to post Share on other sites
kkat Posted July 26, 2005 Share Posted July 26, 2005 Marie, I truly feel like I have some insight to offer you, and I am going to do my best, although I am going through a difficult patch these last few days myself with my own heart...but here goes.... Marie, when I first met my MM I was alot like you. I was in my 20's, beautiful, great job in a very high profile position, with a very handsome and exceptionally wealthy boyfriend. I was super sparkly my oh my. MM was in his 40s, great looking but sort of intimidated by me, a bit chubby, married, living way beyond his means (I thought he had money but turned out what he had was lots of Rolex, Mercedes, Armani and American Express bills....), two kids plus an older child of his wife's, a mortgage, and oh yes, a wife. A very close Italian/American Catholic family, traditional, etc. Marie, he fell absolutely in love with me. And he left his family. I was a different, stronger person then - and I, after having sex with him once, told him that I wouldn't be involved with a married man. And let me tell you, he knew I meant it. Because I did. I put my walk with my talk, and he didn't want that either. And he was desperately in love with me, enough to walk out on his wife and kids, crying and confused. And to start a life with me. And he spent almost three years with me, all the while I was in incredible pain over my instinct that he wasn't ever really going to be "mine" --(after a few months even I wised up and realized he wasn't moving forward appropriately with the divorce). He was in incredible pain and guilt as well. And he went back to his family after those years. Seven years passed. And then, he came back 2 years ago, and repeated the same intentions. This time, I stupidly got involved without waiting for him to even leave first, and obviously he never even left. And he will never leave - at least not for me. As much as it breaks my heart and soul down...I know I am the love of his life in a romantic way...but even that is not enough for him. I know my MM loves me, absolutely. But it is not all that matters to these men. I think your MM does love you as well. But he loves his "life" as well (that's what my MM has told me by the way). And, he loves his family, including his wife. And he is not leaving this family of his. It involves too much for them, and they aren't strong enough to move away from it...in the same way we aren't strong enough to move on from our addictive relationships to them. They are linked to their wives, children, inlaws, neighbors, friends, work, money, mortgages, country clubs, shore houses, all of it - and they aren't going to give it all up...no matter how much they love us. I think you SHOULD wait the additional week, because that's what feels right to you. I know we would all love to see you end this today, but I realize that's not what you are ready to do. So I support you in your decision to stick to July 31st, if that's a deadline you can stick to. Interesting, as I read through your recent posts, I think there is a big part of you that is counting down to the 31st waiting for the proverbial ax to fall, and being ready for it, so that you can move on. I think you are stronger than you think Marie, and that August 1 will be a bittersweet day for you, but that it holds a promise and a future that your tender your soul is ready for and realizes is out there. Marie, I just turned 41. I am not a young girl anymore. I don't think I am able now to get pregnant. My scars from two rounds with the same MM man and the incredible hurt of having him go back to his family after 3 years, and then repeat it seven years later, are so deep I don't feel I can love again. You are young enough, and you've been involved with him for a relatively short time. Please move on. I wish you the strength to do what I couldn't do. Please come back on here in a few months and tell us about your new boyfriend, your new single guy that you are going to movies and barbequing with and doing fun things with. Link to post Share on other sites
joodee Posted July 26, 2005 Share Posted July 26, 2005 KKat, don't say you can't get pregnant!! I just turned 42, and that's all I think about. My doctors said I should worry after 43. Why do you say that?? Don't give up on that, please. Marie1973, I thought you were staying in the apartment and that your MM was spending the nights with you there while his family was staying somewhere else for the summer. I guess I misread your posts. Where is he sleeping at then, if not with his W? I'm a little confused now. Link to post Share on other sites
Marie1973 Posted July 26, 2005 Share Posted July 26, 2005 Hello OK first let me start off by saying that I didn't mean that anyone here would say "i told you so". You guys have been nothing but support for me. I appreciate it sooooo much. I meant my family & friends who said "he's not going to leave" from the beginning will say " I told you so." I really don't want to hear that & don't want them to be right. Rosa, I will keep everyone update> DON'T EVER BECOME THE OW, ITS NOT FUN!! KKat, I can't believe your story, that is sooooo sad & my heart goes out to you. I can't imagine it. He was 20 years older than you too? Thats why I won't let this go passed July 31, I don't want to let it go for another 1, 2 or 3 years & then he still hasn't left. Your MM sounds exactly like mine with the kids, Rolex, shore house, Versace ties, $1100 suits, $200 shoes, etc. Hopefully he does love me enough to leave. It will be tight in the beginning, but I know we could do it, as long as we are together. & yes i'm sure u could get pregnant, don't say u can't. I am sticking to the deadline & am ready for it. My nerves are shot & my stomach is in knots, but i'm ready for the worst. Joodee, no i am still home, we spend a lot of time at the apartment. My MM sometimes sleeps there. When he's not sleeping there he is at his house sleeping, not with the wife. Hs wife & kids are still at the shore house for the whole summer. Link to post Share on other sites
lynnspies1 Posted July 26, 2005 Share Posted July 26, 2005 What does your family and friends think of this MM. Do they know he is married or do they even know you are seeing an older man? Link to post Share on other sites
Marie1973 Posted July 26, 2005 Share Posted July 26, 2005 Yes they know about him. In the beginning they gave me ALOT of crap due to the fact that he was married. THey didn't/don't like the fact that he is married. The age bothered them in the beginning but then they saw how happy I was & how great he treated me, they got over it. Everyone in my family & friends that meet my MM love him. He has a wonderful personality, & is very funny. So once they meet him, they love him. My one cousin Nancy, said she knew he was "the one" the minute she met him. ahha The married part is the biggest deal with them. THey say if he leaves thats great, but if he doesn't leave coming the end of July, I'm sure they will get on my back again. They keep seeing me give him more & more time. They don't want me to get caught up in this for years & years. Which is understandable. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 26, 2005 Share Posted July 26, 2005 They keep seeing me give him more & more time. They don't want me to get caught up in this for years & years. Which is understandable. Yes it is understandable. You don't want to be in this situation 2 years down the road, still waiting for him. Come end of July, end it completely, NO CONTACT and start working on yourself, talk to a therapist and grieve, deal with the pain. Do it for you, not for him. Once it's over, you must stick to it as over. Otherwise this cat and mouse game will last forever as he's happy as things are...Having his cake and eating it too. Marie, you deserve better and not somebody's second choice. Link to post Share on other sites
Marie1973 Posted July 26, 2005 Share Posted July 26, 2005 Yes coming July 31, there will be no contact with my MM!! Its going to be hard, but i have to do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Marie1973 Posted July 27, 2005 Share Posted July 27, 2005 ok guys Why is it that this morning when I woke up, & thought of my MM, my heart was pounding out of my chest? I know what the outcome of this is going to be, but yet i'm still not prepared for it in a way. How is that possible? Link to post Share on other sites
A Fly onThe Wall Posted July 27, 2005 Share Posted July 27, 2005 Originally posted by Marie1973 Why is it that this morning when I woke up, & thought of my MM, my heart was pounding out of my chest? It's because the deadline is nearing.. That's all.. Your body is showing signs of anxiety.. One of the reasons that no deadline is better .. Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted July 27, 2005 Share Posted July 27, 2005 Originally posted by Marie1973 I know what the outcome of this is going to be, but yet i'm still not prepared for it in a way. How is that possible? In these matters, our hearts betray us. I feel for you, Marie. Chin up! Link to post Share on other sites
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