Stuck in Limbo

[The_Onceler]

The reason it seems quick to you is that she's ahead of the curve. She was most likely involved with him back in May or earlier so she's had longer to plan and execute.

 

For what it's worth, from an outsider's perspective you've handled yourself well and made much progress. Understanding the futility of venting to her and choosing to do so here instead - smart move. Avoid the drama and, with kids involved, take the high road...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Thanks. It's strange how, even though we have never met, your kind words really do help.

 

And yes, I agree, whatever they were doing, it likely started earlier than she has admitted to. She has a long history of that sort of pattern. Not cheating per se, but of needing to use an AP as either leverage to break a relationship, or as refuge when she leaves a relationship.

 

So, now I am sitting on my couch, typing this reply. My girls are upstairs, one happily reading before bed, the other crying herself to sleep after a tantrum. I am trying not to dwell on what their mother is probably doing...

[Wade Lamare]

Well if he's only separated he's still married.

 

His wife might like to know about his shenanigans.

 

What goes round comes around!

[The_Onceler]

Well if he's only separated he's still married.

 

His wife might like to know about his shenanigans.

 

What goes round comes around!

 

I guess I don't know whether he is separate or divorced. I guess I use the terms interchangeably in my mind. And I have thought about sending the other wife a note, but I got the impression that it would not have been a surprise to her...

 

 

 

In other news: my ex sent me a detailed spreadsheet regarding her suggestion for how we modify our custody schedule for the upcoming holidays. I should start by saying that, after much consideration, she and I opted for a 2-2-3 schedule. As much as any split can work, this has seemed to be working fairly well so far. We are about 5 weeks into our split.

 

If we just let our 2-2-3 play out, then she would have the girls with her for Thanksgiving day (and the previous day). They would switch over to me on the Friday following Thanksgiving. Then I would have them with me for Christmas day (and the days leading up to Christmas), and I would switch them off to their mother on the day after Christmas.

 

I would suggest that it would be important for the kids to see each of us on Christmas day, so I would be willing to modify our schedule slightly, so that they could go see their mother on Christmas day. Probably swapping over at noon or so.

 

Since I would anticipate that we always would be sharing these two holidays in this fashion, then if we did this, I would expect that we would "trade" next year. Given that, I might be open to trading out on this first year, knowing that we would trade next year anyway. The kids would only be with me this Christmas due to the lucky happenstance of when our separation started.

 

But, I would think that it would be easiest to just do that, since our 2-2-3 schedule will already structure things in that way. But, I am open to the discussion.

 

In contrast, she sent along this complex schedule that fully departs from the 2-2-3, and even mandates unusual and varied "exchange" times for various days. It also has the added benefit (for her) that she would have the kids with her for both Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve/Day. I would get them the Friday after Thanksgiving, and then at some point on Christmas day.

 

Oh, but she would leave them with me on New Year's Eve, leaving herself free to go out with her new/old boyfriend.

 

As thoughtful as it was for her to go to all the trouble to concoct this great new schedule option, I think I will have to decline, and suggest that we simply follow the schedule as it currently exists.

 

Seems reasonable to me!

[fenix]

I guess I don't know whether he is separate or divorced. I guess I use the terms interchangeably in my mind. And I have thought about sending the other wife a note, but I got the impression that it would not have been a surprise to her...

 

 

 

In other news: my ex sent me a detailed spreadsheet regarding her suggestion for how we modify our custody schedule for the upcoming holidays. I should start by saying that, after much consideration, she and I opted for a 2-2-3 schedule. As much as any split can work, this has seemed to be working fairly well so far. We are about 5 weeks into our split.

 

If we just let our 2-2-3 play out, then she would have the girls with her for Thanksgiving day (and the previous day). They would switch over to me on the Friday following Thanksgiving. Then I would have them with me for Christmas day (and the days leading up to Christmas), and I would switch them off to their mother on the day after Christmas.

 

I would suggest that it would be important for the kids to see each of us on Christmas day, so I would be willing to modify our schedule slightly, so that they could go see their mother on Christmas day. Probably swapping over at noon or so.

 

Since I would anticipate that we always would be sharing these two holidays in this fashion, then if we did this, I would expect that we would "trade" next year. Given that, I might be open to trading out on this first year, knowing that we would trade next year anyway. The kids would only be with me this Christmas due to the lucky happenstance of when our separation started.

 

But, I would think that it would be easiest to just do that, since our 2-2-3 schedule will already structure things in that way. But, I am open to the discussion.

 

In contrast, she sent along this complex schedule that fully departs from the 2-2-3, and even mandates unusual and varied "exchange" times for various days. It also has the added benefit (for her) that she would have the kids with her for both Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve/Day. I would get them the Friday after Thanksgiving, and then at some point on Christmas day.

 

Oh, but she would leave them with me on New Year's Eve, leaving herself free to go out with her new/old boyfriend.

 

As thoughtful as it was for her to go to all the trouble to concoct this great new schedule option, I think I will have to decline, and suggest that we simply follow the schedule as it currently exists.

 

Seems reasonable to me!

 

I agree! I don't think you need to do any step further to help her out further than what you have done till now. If 2-2-3 work best for you then just say so and let her worry about how she makes it fit in her schedule...

[Wade Lamare]

During the course of this did you ever find out why she split from the OM while in college?

[The_Onceler]

During the course of this did you ever find out why she split from the OM while in college?

 

You know, I have wondered about that very thing in recent days and weeks. But, no, I never inquired. Frankly, what would be the point?

 

It is my basic assumption that such things never work out. A person might go back to try to relive or rekindle an old relationship, and at first it feels great for lots of reasons, but before long, you either break up again for the same old reasons, or you realize that the two of you are not at all the same people that you had been, oh those many years ago.

 

So, I had thought about it, but then I realized that the need to explore those details was predicated on the notion that I needed to care. At this point, she is gone, my relationship with her is over, and whatever I may have ever hoped that she and I might have between us... well, no such thing will now come to pass. She and I are not in a relationship, we are not working on our relationship, we are not attempting to repair our relationship. There is no relationship. It's like death: where there was once something, there is now only an empty void.

 

Questions about him, or about their relationship as it was back in college, or what it is now - at this stage, all of that is absolutely and entirely moot.

[Wade Lamare]

You know, I have wondered about that very thing in recent days and weeks. But, no, I never inquired. Frankly, what would be the point?

 

Oh yes, totally agree. Just wondered as he was "a bit of a douche" whether he cheated on her in the past and he was 'unfinished business'.

 

Just wondering that if he's a bit of a douche, once your ex has the kids around and they interfere with his free time and he starts being a douche about it that your ex will suddenly remember why they split in the first place.

 

Not too sure if this is the end of the story yet. Seen several similar scenarios like this where months down the line the ex suddenly gets a massive change of heart and comes crawling back on their knees asking for a second chance.

 

It probably won't happen but be prepared in case it does.

 

Saw a story on another forum once written by a wayward wife as part of her individual counselling.

 

In it she described a near perfect marriage, they struck lucky financially and were very secure, good lifestyle and lovely children.

 

She couldn't help feeling that there was 'something' missing.

 

They hired somebody to do some work for them and he turned out to be an old school flame. She eventually fell in love with him and out of love with her husband. She carried on an affair and then told her husband she was leaving for this other guy.

He pleaded with her not to break up the family and pointed out that this was only limerence, a passing infatuation. This merely got her annoyed "How dare he tell me what I feel!"

 

She moved out and they did the children sharing thing and all was ok for her but he was still heart broken.

 

As time went by she noticed things about the OM that she didn't like and she loved him less and less.

 

The final straw came when one of her children was ill and the OM got all pissy about it and complained bitterly. She compared this to the loving way her ex husband treated her children and started to realise that she had made a big mistake. They eventually split.

 

In the meantime her husband's heart began to heal and he eventually found a new love and she did say that it somewhat irked her that his new girl was younger and, in her mind, prettier than her.

 

One day at child swap day she glammed herself up, put on her nicest clothes and made a big effort. She poured her heart out to her ex husband, cried, begged and told him how much of a mistake she had made and that he was right all along. "Please can you give me one more chance?"

 

He looked at her quite coldly and flatly told her "no". He could never take the chance of trusting his heart to her again. He'd rather take the chance with the new girl.

 

She was bereft and finally realised what he had gone through when she split with him.

 

She ended by stating that she now faced the prospect of facing life having to settle for a man who wasn't her husband.

 

Sorry, a bit of a long post but I just wanted to show you that sometimes they do come crawling back and I wanted you to be aware and to regard this as a possible outcome.

[The_Onceler]

Oh yes, totally agree. Just wondered as he was "a bit of a douche" whether he cheated on her in the past and he was 'unfinished business'...

 

Sorry, a bit of a long post but I just wanted to show you that sometimes they do come crawling back and I wanted you to be aware and to regard this as a possible outcome.

 

Thanks, WL.

 

I read my last response to you, and it seemed a little harsh to me. I hope you didn't take it as so. I think that the tenor of my response has mostly to do with my need to be on guard against my own weaknesses.

 

Because I do fantasize about that scenario, where she comes crawling back. And whether she actually comes crawling back, or whether she merely comes to regret her decisions, I do think that in time she will almost certainly come to realize that she made a huge mistake.

 

The fact that I fantasize about her crawling back to me probably doesn't say much about my character. Also, I worry that I am not being honest with myself, and to some extent I fantasize about her crawling back to me not merely so I can gloat, but because I want her back. Objectively, I recognize that she has treated me terribly in these last few months, and any reasonable person would conclude that I should never want her back, but I am not so sure that I would have the strength to resist that temptation, even now.

 

With luck, I will be in a place to resist that temptation when/if she does come crawling back.

[Wade Lamare]

Thanks, WL.

 

I read my last response to you, and it seemed a little harsh to me. I hope you didn't take it as so. I think that the tenor of my response has mostly to do with my need to be on guard against my own weaknesses.

 

Because I do fantasize about that scenario, where she comes crawling back. And whether she actually comes crawling back, or whether she merely comes to regret her decisions, I do think that in time she will almost certainly come to realize that she made a huge mistake.

 

The fact that I fantasize about her crawling back to me probably doesn't say much about my character. Also, I worry that I am not being honest with myself, and to some extent I fantasize about her crawling back to me not merely so I can gloat, but because I want her back. Objectively, I recognize that she has treated me terribly in these last few months, and any reasonable person would conclude that I should never want her back, but I am not so sure that I would have the strength to resist that temptation, even now.

 

With luck, I will be in a place to resist that temptation when/if she does come crawling back.

 

No, not at all, completely agreed with you.

 

Look, it's not weakness, you loved that woman for a long time, she's the mother of your children.

It's going to take some time to get that out of your head, unfortunately she has had a head start which is why she is so indifferent to you.

 

If she does come crawling back and if you do take her back that is your decision and your decision alone, there'd be no criticism from me.

 

As to the children it may be an idea to get some advice as to whether her continually passing the kids on to you so she can be with Mr Douchecanoe could work in your favor if you document it.

 

Obviously continually turning down her requests for favors may hasten the end of her new relationship but if you continually refuse hers she may very well refuse your requests in retaliation.

[The_Onceler]

As to the children it may be an idea to get some advice as to whether her continually passing the kids on to you so she can be with Mr Douchecanoe could work in your favor if you document it.

 

Obviously continually turning down her requests for favors may hasten the end of her new relationship but if you continually refuse hers she may very well refuse your requests in retaliation.

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

Yeah, I have thought about that - whether to deny her requests as a matter of policy. I think from here on out, I would just take the kids, assuming that I was able to do so. I was still in denial about her new/old guy. I denied her request, at least in part, in a vain attempt to prevent them from getting together. I don't know with a certainty what she was doing that weekend, but it stands to reason that she was away with him, or perhaps even some other guy. I have now come to accept that I can't prevent her from sleeping around, and have to accept that she intends to, and probably is.

 

So, I no longer have a reason to deny her from that perspective.

 

I of course love my girls, so I am happy to have them.

 

I am also aware that I could potentially use this sort of pattern against her if we ever got to any sort of legal wrangling.

 

I have a pretty good support structure, between an understanding boss, and family who are happy to stay with the kids. I honestly don't anticipate a reason to EVER ask my ex to cover for me. My mother is semi-retired, and LOVES to sit the kids. My older brother and sister, while not retired, have also made it clear that they would be happy to babysit as needed. So far, despite the kids having 4 days off from school in this first month of our separation, I have not needed to ask their mother for anything.

 

I hope to never have to.

[The_Onceler]

OK, so here's a question: as newly separated parents, one of the things we are dealing with is kids who will from time to time complain that they miss the other parent, or that they miss us.

 

Evidently, while with her mother, my younger daughter had a bad night. She was very upset, and complained to her mother that she was going to miss her the following day (today), when she would be with me.

 

Her mother promised her that I would set up a Skype session tonight so that she could see/talk to her mother.

 

Now, I have no intention of preventing them from contact with their mother, especially if they are terribly upset. I happen to be of the opinion that it is preferable to help them work through those feelings, rather than satisfy their immediate want/need. But clearly, if my daughter was crying about missing their mom, I would do *something* to help.

 

But my point was that their mother should not have PROMISED that I would do anything. It may come to pass that the girls are perfectly fine tonight, and in that case, I will not disrupt their bedtime routine just to Skype her.

 

And as it turns out, since Sunday, I have been experiencing trouble with my home network. In fact, I had needed to print some photos for my Daughter on Sunday for a project that was due Monday, and it was then that I discovered that I could not connect with my printer, or the web. I am still not sure why. Instead, I drove the girls in to the city to print from an office printer.

 

So, it may well be that I am literally unable to Skype their mother tonight, and now that she has promised that I will do so, I could very well wind up being the "bad guy" in this situation.

 

I assert that it is unfair for her to promise anything to the girls on my behalf. Am I wrong in this? Because she has been fighting me tooth and nail on the matter...

[Marc878]

You are separated. Your X needs to get used to it. Live your own life and let her live yours. Put as much no contact in as possible. You need this for you.

 

Read "No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF download

[The_Onceler]

Ugh.

 

My ex just sent me an email. Damage control, apparently. I am about to go pick up my kids, and she knew that I would learn about it from them, so...

 

Evidently my ex took my kids to meet her OM and his kids over the weekend. She wrote to me that it was "spur of the moment", but he lives about 45 minutes away, so their "spur of the moment" meeting required him to drive about 20 minutes and my ex to drive about 30 minutes in order to meet up at a park and have their play date.

 

She insists that they were all sorts of clever, and that the kids were playing and totally ignorant of the fact that she and the OM knew each other. Of course, at the end of the play date, they then all went and had lunch together.

 

OK. So, on some level, I am angry just about the mere fact of the OM. Granted. But seriously, we only told the girls about our split at the end of August, and their mother only moved out in the middle of September. It seems to me that it is FAR too early to be introducing my kids to her boyfriend, regardless of how they handled it.

 

Even my ex admitted the same. She said she was not ready to tell them about having a boyfriend. She said she was in no rush to tell them. She said that it had always been her intent to discuss that eventuality with me prior to the introductions.

 

Of course, then he called her and suggested a meetup, and she abandoned all of those ideas that she professed in order to drive 30 minutes to meet up in a way that she said she had not intended, sooner than she said she had intended, and without even a head's up to me, which she said she had intended to provide.

 

And come on - what is the ONLY possible rationale for having them all meet? I mean, she has been able to date him without making our kids part of that. She didn't NEED to introduce them to enable her relationship. And my kids don't NEED to drive 30 - 45 minutes away in order to find some friends to play with. To me, the only incentive for the meetup was to grease the wheels, to hasten the introduction of the OM into the lives of my children.

 

Only a week ago, at Halloween, when I was bringing the girls from their mother's house, they started to get upset, and wanted me to turn around. I said I of course was not going to turn around. They said that they wanted me to go back, and we could all stay there. I said, no, Mommy and Daddy don't live together anymore. Both girls were horrified to hear me say that, and after a moment, my six year old asked, "What, you aren't going to live with Mommy? Never??"

 

There was quite a bit of crying that night.

 

I realize that I cannot stop my ex from doing whatever the hell she damned well pleases, but am I right to feel this way? Or is this just a manifestation of jealousy?

[Mr. Lucky]

I realize that I cannot stop my ex from doing whatever the hell she damned well pleases, but am I right to feel this way? Or is this just a manifestation of jealousy?

 

Feelings are feelings, going to be there whether they make sense or not. I think you have to give yourself permission to grieve and understand it's a process, takes some time to play out.

 

Having said that, those feelings don't have to dictate your actions. Much of successful parenting after the split depends on setting sentiment aside and doing the right thing for your kids - and in some cases, for your kid's mother. Not the easiest thing to do.

 

Your ex is going to continue to move on - and it will continue to be painful for you. That's not jealousy, it's just human nature. What was once yours and of value to you, no longer is. It's OK to be hurt by that as long as that pain doesn't compromise your ability to do the job at hand.

 

I offer no opinion as to what your wife should or shouldn't do, out of your control. Focus on your half of the equation...

 

Mr. Lucky

[The_Onceler]

I offer no opinion as to what your wife should or shouldn't do, out of your control. Focus on your half of the equation...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Thanks for your input.

 

I guess that was precisely what I *was* looking for. It seems to me that it is far too soon to be introducing a new boyfriend or girlfriend to our children. They are still struggling with the fact of the separation, and I don't think that they are ready to deal with anything more just yet. Also, odds are that her relationship with him will not survive the long term. i don't want to expose my kids to another man who will come and go within a year.

 

But, ultimately, you are right. Even if I could prove objectively that she was wrong to do what she is doing, what would it matter? I can't stop her, or influence her in any way.

 

I am actually a bit proud of myself. I responded to her email to tell her that I thought that it was a bad idea to introduce our kids to anyone who she was dating, at least as this early stage. I basically said my peace, and then told her that I would have nothing further to say on the matter. Well, aside from to warn her that, if my girls were hurt in any fashion by this, there'd be hell to pay. But, otherwise, since I cannot influence or control her, I was done with the matter.

 

She responded with something about how wonderful the OM is and.. yadda yadda yadda. I only skimmed it, then sent the email to archive where I wouldn't have to look at it again.

 

I really can't have any influence over what she chooses to do, unless she truly does place our girls in harm's way, so there is nothing further to dwell on. I don't intend to take it up with her again.

 

The kids did tell me all about how they drove to a far away park and made some new friends there and then went to lunch with their new friends. They seemed to have had a happy experience, so that's that, I guess.

[The_Onceler]

Our older daughter had an event at her school last night. It was their night to be with their mother, but she was unable to get a babysitter, so I agreed to watch the younger girl while mom took the older girl to school.

 

The logistics were such that I picked up both of my girls, brought them to my house, and fed them before their mother came to fetch my older girl. I have tried to keep my ex from setting foot in my house, but I could not think of a way to continue that without being blatantly rude, so I allowed her to come in and collect my daughter.

 

My younger girl and I spent the next 90 minutes reading, playing games, and practicing her math flash cards.

 

At 8:00 PM, their mother returned, both girls ran about for a bit, and then we shepherded them out to their mother's car and they left. They were on their way by 8:15 PM.

 

It seemed fine. We were both cordial, and the girls seemed to tolerate having their mother back in the family home, and then leaving again. There were a few moments where my younger girl seemed poised to get upset that we couldn't all just stay as a family, but we managed to diffuse those moments.

 

Still, I wound up dreaming of my ex all night long. I woke feeling sad, lonely, abandoned...

 

Now, I know that she is actively seeing the other man, and based on everything I know about my ex, she is undoubtedly sleeping with him. I don't expect that she and I will ever reconcile, but even so, that particular knowledge seems to make my sense of loneliness that much more piercing.

 

I look forward to the day when the dreams stop, and the loneliness lifts...

[Marc878]

Master the 180. Limit as much contact as you can with her.

You have to basically purge her in order to move on and have a life.

If you don't it'll just drag out your limbo.

 

Don't do the friends thing with your X.

 

Definition of friend- loyal, honest, trustworthy. She's not you're friend!!!

 

A Mr Nice Guy attitude here is to your detriment.

 

Read up "No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF download. The best thing you can do for yourself at this time.

[The_Onceler]

Read up "No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF download. The best thing you can do for yourself at this time.

 

Thanks for your input.

 

 

 

I have not read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" - where can I find it?

 

I do not want or intend to be friends with her. That said, in these instances when we have to exchange kids and whatnot, I do not know the path to take. Sure, it might do me some good to make her wait in her car, but I don't want to impact the kids with disrespectful behavior.

 

Since she left on Sept 10, she has set foot in my house only twice. I have worked hard to make it so that happens as little as possible. Similarly, I have set foot in her place twice. But the reality of co-parenting means that we have to actually be in each other's presence from time to time, and/or at each other's homes.

 

Would it really be acceptable to have asked her to wait outside last night? Though that might not have helped. Our custody arrangement is such that I don't often have to see her. I anticipate that I will see my ex:

 

(1) at my daughter's birthday this month

(2) when we exchange the kids the day after Thanksgiving

(3) at a play at my daughter's school

(4) when we exchange the kids on Christmas Day

 

That feels like I am being pretty successful at the "No Contact" thing.

 

As far as not being Mr. Nice Guy: I suppose I could have begged off last night, but then my daughter likely would not have gone to her school event. Is it OK for me to stop being Mr. Nice Guy if it is my daughter who pays the price? Or is this necessary to prevent my ex from always using that leverage against me?

 

I guess I need to read that book...

[Marc878]

You have the link in a PM.

 

Holidays should be separate. It's your time with them. I'd never do one together.

 

Birthday parties you can do the same. Tell the kids instead of one party they get two!!!!!

 

School events you can attend but stay separate. Nothing says you have to sit together, etc.

 

As far as pickups, drop offs have everything organized and ready. Make it quick and easy no need to stand around and chit, chat.

 

In essence you get to where the X is like a grocery clerk or the mailman. She's your kids mother but nothing else.

 

Civil always but nothing more.

[Marc878]

As far as not being Mr. Nice Guy: I suppose I could have begged off last night, but then my daughter likely would not have gone to her school event. Is it OK for me to stop being Mr. Nice Guy if it is my daughter who pays the price? Or is this necessary to prevent my ex from always using that leverage against me?

.

 

I would never penalize the kids. Treat it like a quick drop off or pick up. You got the benefit of spending more time with them. Nothing wrong with that.

[Jersey born raised]

You need to discuss the reason why their mother has left the home. Period.

They need to know who this guy is. It is wrong to make his life easy on so many levels and in the long run damages your children even more.

[Mr. Lucky]

I look forward to the day when the dreams stop, and the loneliness lifts...

 

The lonliness doesn't lift itself. What are you doing on the days you don't have your girls to get yourself back on your feet? I'm not talking about dating, just being around people of both sexes, making new friends and staying busy. There are a myriad number of ways - sports, volunteer, political, intellectual, etc. - to widen your circle. THe memories of her go away when you replace them with something else...

 

Mr. Lucky

[The_Onceler]

You need to discuss the reason why their mother has left the home. Period.

They need to know who this guy is. It is wrong to make his life easy on so many levels and in the long run damages your children even more.

 

Boy, I struggle with this one.

 

I know that my ex does not want the world to know about her OM. My ex puts a great deal of stock in appearances, and in this day and age, a large part of that is done via Facebook. Initially, she did not want to let people know that we were separating, and when I did make some comment to that effect, she was all sorts of angry for "outing" her. Currently, she is careful to pretend that she and I are just hunky dory, well, aside from the fact that we just don't happen to reside together. And she has made ZERO mention of her OM in social media. None.

 

So, there is a spiteful part of me that wants to announce it to the world. I want to inform all of her Facebook friends that, not only has she moved out of my house, but she is dating an ex-boyfriend.

 

My urge to do so is so strong. However, I know that my urge is, at least to some degree, the result of anger. I simply don't trust my own motives enough to go through with it.

 

But that just deals with our "adult" world. Do I want the kids to know? Is it better for them to know? I truly do not know what to think about this. Well, in truth, I guess I have decided that it is in their best interest to NOT know about him.

 

Am I wrong?

 

Because when the girls plead with me for us to all get back together, and then want to know why we cannot, what I want to say is, "We can't get back together because you mommy has decided that she wants to be with her NEW boyfriend"

 

It would feel so good to say that, well, it must be wrong.

[The_Onceler]

The lonliness doesn't lift itself. What are you doing on the days you don't have your girls to get yourself back on your feet? I'm not talking about dating, just being around people of both sexes, making new friends and staying busy. There are a myriad number of ways - sports, volunteer, political, intellectual, etc. - to widen your circle. THe memories of her go away when you replace them with something else...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I haven't been dating, that is for certain. What do I do when I don't have the girls?

 

Weeknights, I have been working out after I leave work. I spend my time either at the gym, riding my stationary bike and watching Netflix, or both.

 

Since mid-Summer, my older brother has been neck-deep in home repairs. So, on my weekend, I have been spending one of the days working with him. I use the other day for working out, housework, catching up on office work, etc.

 

I had started a new job about a year ago, and with the new job, we bought this new house and moved to this new city. I was only about 6 months into that transition when she announced she was leaving for the OM. My point is, I have had hardly any time to build a social circle where I am. But I am working on it. So far I have mostly started making social contacts with colleagues, but its a start.

 

I want to find ways to get out and socialize, but I loathe the "bar scene", especially as a forty-something. I like to be active, but have had very little luck finding clubs and such - cycling, hiking, climbing, etc. And with the approach of winter, some of those groups go on hiatus anyway.

 

And, I have to admit, in part I just crave sex. Well, perhaps it is not QUITE as base a desire as that, but it is close. I have gone so long, not only without basic sexual satisfaction, but also without feeling wanted... I craved that even BEFORE things went sideways with my ex. Now I crave it more than ever, though perhaps it would be unhealthy for me to indulge now anyway, even if I knew how to make it happen.

 

One of my coworkers, who recently went through a divorce, has been suggesting Tinder and Bumble and such. He is only half joking. He says stuff like, "Look: just sign up on Tinder, lower your standards tremendously, and go out and get laid. Then, when you have had your fill of crazy, delete your account, sign on to Bumble, and start actually meeting people."

 

I am not sure I am ready for all that would entail just yet...

[BluesPower]

You shuold out her today in my opinion, and I think you should start on Facebook.

 

And I mean start there. Something like, " Just so everyone knows, 'Wife's Name' has left me and the children for her Ex 'Ex's name'. I suppose we will be find after we all heal from her betrayal of me and her family".

 

Why should she get to have all the cake and eat it after what she has done to you. She is never coming back and you should never take her back.

 

It is not a revenge thing it is just an honesty thing. People should know.