Stuck in Limbo

[The_Onceler]

Take the hit for the kids. Camping requires close contact. You will soon discover if the other wife is colluding with yours.

 

I feel for you having to share the bed and house with your wife. luckily mine has been staying out of town. I guess it helps me get used to not being with her. I am sure it will hit harder once I am in my new place and divorce is final. Right now in my own home and things seem somewhat normal.

 

Thanks for your insights, Jeff.

 

At this stage, both she and I are on the same page I think: neither of us wants to go camping together, and she won't do it alone, so it will fall to me. I am content with that.

 

The other wife is still making this whole thing about her. I reached out to the other dad last night to see if they had made a decision, but he never replied. Instead, the other wife reached out to my stbx in an attempt to convince us both to go, so as not to ruin HER vacation. She is a piece of work, that one.

 

 

 

I guess it is hard to say who has it worse - we all have some variation of Hell to suffer through. My relationship with my stbx has been troubled for a while, so perhaps I am better off than you. I was blind sided by her decision, but emotionally we have been drifting for some time. It still hurts tremendously for me - I can scarcely imagine being in your shoes.

 

May we all stay strong, for ourselves and for our children.

[The_Onceler]

Yesterday was the day that my stbx accepted her new job. It was good in that it was an important step. She announced her intention to split with me back at the end of May. I became aware that she was conducting an online affair with her college boyfriend shortly thereafter. We have continued to live under the same roof, and keeping up appearances, ever since. She intended to move out of my house, but not until she had a new job and could support herself.

 

So, getting the new job was crucial.

 

Still, I wound up having a hard time with it. One issue was the child support. I have no problem paying child support, or rather, I have no problem supporting my children. There are a lot of reasons why I am upset about paying child support. I don't like that it puts me in the position of having HER decide how to spend my money. As a family, we at least could have a conversation. Now, I simply write the checks, and she does whatever she likes. Also, I am upset that now, rather than contributing to the support of our family in this big, new house as she committed to do, she is instead taking away whatever support she would have contributed AND she is taking child support on top of that. I am now in the position of trying to afford a house that we could barely afford together, but with diminished resources. I didn't want to float such an expensive mortgage in the first place, and did so primarily at her insistence. Now she is leaving me holding the bag. Or so it feels.

 

But aside from the monetary, I am upset because she then proceeded to announce to the world that she had landed this great new job, that she was excited about this great new opportunity, and that she was looking forward to pursuing her great new career path.

 

Sure, that is great.

 

What she failed to note was that, in order to do so, she had to first grenade our relationship, reneg on her committment to our household, and leave me with much of my savings now tied up in a house I can scarcely afford, while working at a job that I took primarily because the salary put me in a position to make more money for the family.

 

So, she jets off on her new life with her new job and her new romance and with the security of her own income, plus child support from me. Meanwhile, I am left in the lurch, grinding away at a stressful and demanding job, bereft of her support at home, and strugging to afford this new home so as to not be taken to the cleaners.

 

Perhaps I should be more understanding, but after being informed that she was taking the job and then seeing her proclamations on Facebook (along with all of the congratulations that she recieved), I was left feeling bitter. I wanted to chime in amonst all of the praise and back slapping and add, "Good for you - too bad you had to break up our family and move out and start in with your old boyfriend in order to make this happen for yourself"

 

Of course, that would just be petty.

 

 

 

 

 

Then, last evening, as we were discussing the gritty details of child support, when she was moving, what furniture she wanted to take with her, etc., I lamented that I might need to sell the house because I could not afford it all on my own.

 

She actually offered to spare me that fate with this suggestion: perhaps we could just continue to live together indefinitely? Then I wouldn't have to worry about child support payments.

 

Seriously? Seriously?? I may be upset about how things have unfolded, and worried about my financial well being, but in what crazy universe would I EVER consider that we should stay under the same roof, now that she has checked out of our relationship and checked in to one with an old boyfriend? After all that has transpired in the last weeks and months, what sane person would suggest that we just continue along, as if nothing had happened?

 

Gah!

[notbroken]

Someone that "wants their cake and eat it too" would. You are doing the 'heavy lifting' and supporting her while she gets to live in a big house, maintain an image of 'the loving wife', and still get to mess around (yes - she is).

 

See a lawyer immediately if you haven't already. Start the divorce process yesterday. It can't be soon enough.

 

As bad as you want to and it is warranted, don't bash your wife to your children. She is still their mother and what is good for them takes priority. That doesn't mean you have to deny the truth, it just means you don't have to rub it in their face.

 

Best wishes. It is a long road but you are farther along than you think.

[Jeff1690]

I lucked out and my wife is buying my steak in the house out. Originally she was going to give me the house. Told her I could not afford it. Then she said she would make payments for me. The OM must be hell in bed. She wanted this divorce quick. Luckily the boys are back home and talked her into keeping it, it is the family home after all.

 

I suggest quit telling her what you are going to do. Sell the house as soon as the ink dries on the divorce papers, down size. At the end of my divorce I am hoping to be debt free or damn close. I am going to do all the things I asked her to do over the past few years. Travel, adventure when off of work. I am building a small cabin. Big enough for me and a couple of extra small bedrooms for when the sons visit or want to stay.

 

I am going to go live my life and do the things I wanted to do with her. The boys will tell her what I am doing. Since I will get no closure as she denies everything, even the freaking phone records I guess my only jab back at her for my hurt is to live life to its fullest and let her see me soar without her.

[The_Onceler]

See a lawyer immediately if you haven't already. Start the divorce process yesterday. It can't be soon enough.

 

I don't disagree with any of this, but since she and I were never married, I am not facing a divorce in the legal sense. We are simply no longer going to live together, or be a couple.

 

I would never bad mouth their mother when speaking to the girls. In the end, she is still their mother. My little fantasy about commenting on Facebook was just that: a fantasy. And while one of my daughters is now old enough to read, she doesn't frequent Facebook, so she would not see any of that, even if I went ahead with it.

 

"Have her cake and eat it too"? Yes, that would characterize my stbx, in my eyes. She has recently lamented how she *had* to leave her career and become a stay at home mom. Certainly her career (such as it was) was on hold while she was staying at home. However, I don't recall twisting her arm to get her to stay at home. As I recall, she had resigned from her job when she was 7 or 8 months along. She continued as a SAHM for about 5 years. Then one July she started talking about going back to work, and she started working two months later.

 

In the past few weeks, as we fought over all the same old issues, I noted that if having a career was the cornerstone of her happiness, then she should have said so. I would have happily become a stay at home dad, and let her pursue her career success. She scoffed, and pointed out that we could never have survived on just her salary. I disagreed: we would have had to tighten our belts, but she is a capable earner. Her current offer will start her off above the national average for income, and only slightly below the average for our state. Her prospects from there are really good.

 

It was in that conversation that she admitted - she was not willing to have her career if it meant becoming the sole income, or even the primary breadwinner. She wanted her career and she wanted to live the life that BOTH of our salaries would provide. The fact that, to do so, we would need to send our kids to both before and after school care was of no concern to her. Call me old fashioned, but I don't want to have my 5 and 7 year old daughters spending their days, from 7:00 AM until 6:00 PM, bouncing between schools and programs and such. We conceived these children, shouldn't we be at least somewhat present in their lives?

[The_Onceler]

I lucked out and my wife is buying my steak in the house out. Originally she was going to give me the house. Told her I could not afford it. Then she said she would make payments for me. The OM must be hell in bed. She wanted this divorce quick. Luckily the boys are back home and talked her into keeping it, it is the family home after all.

 

I suggest quit telling her what you are going to do. Sell the house as soon as the ink dries on the divorce papers, down size. At the end of my divorce I am hoping to be debt free or damn close. I am going to do all the things I asked her to do over the past few years. Travel, adventure when off of work. I am building a small cabin. Big enough for me and a couple of extra small bedrooms for when the sons visit or want to stay.

 

I am going to go live my life and do the things I wanted to do with her. The boys will tell her what I am doing. Since I will get no closure as she denies everything, even the freaking phone records I guess my only jab back at her for my hurt is to live life to its fullest and let her see me soar without her.

 

Were I in your shoes, I could only hope to persevere in the way that you are. I totally agree: the best revenge is to move on and be happy.

 

As I noted, we are not actually divorcing, since we were never married. She is simply moving out. I had to sink a ton of my own assets into this new house, and suffered some short term losses in the process. Were I to turn around and sell right now, I would compound those losses. It would not be the end of the world, but I don't want to lose thousands MORE due to having my stbx decided that she wanted to move on.

 

Also, we *just* moved here. My girls are only now just getting acclimated, and have just started making friends and getting involved in the schools and community. I don't want to uproot them again if I can help it. They will be facing more than enough turmoil in the coming weeks and months.

 

Still, I do appreciate your concern and advice - so thanks. I look forward to hearing you tell us how you like living in your new cabin, hopefully soon!

[Bufo]

You need to see a lawyer to learn what divorce will look like financially. There is nothing to be gained by speculation. It appears that she has checked out of the marriage. You have to check out of infidelity. Status quo is letting her eat cake.

 

You may or may not end up divorced. See a lawyer to learn what that means in practical terms. Knowledge is power as the old saying goes.

[The_Onceler]

You need to see a lawyer to learn what divorce will look like financially. There is nothing to be gained by speculation. It appears that she has checked out of the marriage. You have to check out of infidelity. Status quo is letting her eat cake.

 

You may or may not end up divorced. See a lawyer to learn what that means in practical terms. Knowledge is power as the old saying goes.

 

Thanks for the comment.

 

I checked in with a lawyer. Since we were never married, there was nothing to 'do' in terms of a divorce. There is an outside chance that she could hire a lawyer to make the case the we were married in some sort of "common law" fashion, and then sue for divorce and alimony and such. But I can't defend against that until she make the opening moves, which she hasn't so far.

 

And according to my consult, the child support issue is defined by a clear set of guidelines. It is a simple equation. She and I have run the numbers, and we have agreed on a child support figure that is close to the guidelines. Child support can be renegotiated at any time, so there is little value in creating legal paperwork to capture our "gentleman's agreement". I could get a legal separation agreement signed today, and she could have it amended tomorrow for any reason she chose.

 

She may be able to start her new job as early as Monday. As of now, we have agreed that she will move out 4 weeks from now.

[The_Onceler]

So, our recent history has gone something like this: we have been having relationship troubles for a long time, but recently things seemed to be somewhat improved. In November I took a new job, we moved to a new town, and we bought a big new house with a long term plan.

 

At the end of May, she announced that she wanted us to split. Shortly after that, I discovered that she was having an online affair with a boyfriend from her distant past.

 

We agreed that she should move out, and I agreed to let her stay until she found a job and an apartment. She had been a SAHM for most of the last 8 years, while I was financially supporting the family.

 

So, now she had landed a really good job, and will be moving out soon.

 

 

 

The reason I am posting is this: she announced to the world about her new job, and went on and on about how happy and excited she was to be re-starting her career.

 

She wrote me a note today, saying that she appreciates that I have been supportive of her through these last weeks, and during her job search. She went on to elaborate that she thinks that I, too, should do some soul searching and ask whether I am following my passions.

 

I had many things that came to mind to say to her, but I know I am responding from bitterness, and did not want to start an argument for no good reason. So, instead I am venting to you good people.

 

I will be blunt: if I could go back and relive my life, I would have aimed to be an educator; probably a college professor. As well as I know myself, that is my dream job. Not that my current job is bad: I like it well enough, but it is a job, and not a passion.

 

That being said, what I wanted to say to her was this: I may not be pursuing my dream career, but there are reasons for that. Primarily, I have stuck with my current career path in order to provide for my family. And that includes her. She was able to stay at home with our girls for 5 or 6 years primarily because I made that financially possible.

 

I would have loved to switch places with her, and she and I had even discussed it at times (tho mostly in anger), and the situation was clear: she could not earn what I could earn, so it made no sense for us to switch places.

 

Now, though, fast forward to the present: suddenly it is fine for HER to grenade our relationship, split our family, and go pursue her dream career. Of course, to do so, she required (1) that I buy her out of my house with a large lump sum that has become her nest egg, and (2) that I will be subsidizing her new life by way of child support payments.

 

Sure, she says that I should follow my passion, but when I had suggested to her recently that all of these changes might result in the loss of my job, she freaked. She immediately saw that, if I lost my job, not only would she lose her child support subsidy, she would in fact be having to pay child support to me.

 

And when I suggested that, if what she wanted all along was to restart her career, then we could have traded places and made that happen - she was clear to state that she did not want to have a career if it meant tightening our belts and living with less. She wants her career, but she also wants relative affluence.

 

Had I been more concerned with pursuing my passion, I would certainly not have been in the position to be the sole breadwinner, to provide her a home to live in, to provide her with a new car every 3 years, or vacations, etc. Instead, she would have been working from the outset, we would have had to make do with less, and she would not now have the opportunity to follow her dream career.

 

Yes, perhaps I should be looking for career fulfillment as she is, but at what expense? And to be honest, I get more fulfillment from seeing my daughters well cared for. In the past, my part in that was primarily in making their mother available to them, and providing the means to make use of their time: karate, gymnastics, summer camps, trips, etc.

 

Now they will spend the majority of their time in school or in after school programs. My youngest said to me just last night, "I can't wait to go back to gymnsastics!" Well, how is that going to happen? We may not be able to afford it now, and even if we can, with two parents working full time, who will be able to bring them back and forth to such activities?

 

Maybe it will all work out, but I am feeling very bitter that my girls will be less well cared for now, simply so that my stbx can have her career expectations met without also having to be the sole provider.

 

So, when I see her crowing about her new job, and when I see everyone congratulating her, I am left simply biting my tongue, and swallowing my bitter words.

[The_Onceler]

So, between work and all the changes going on as our separation date approached, I have not been here to update things in quite a while. For those of you interested to know, here is where things stand now:

 

She moved out on Saturday. We finally came to an agreement on how to split all of our stuff, and with the help of her brother and a mutual friend, we moved all of her stuff to her new place. Our kids were having a sleepover with friends, so they were not around. We managed to have all of her things in her new apartment before 6 PM. She had already arranged for her brother to assist her on Sunday, so I was free to go.

 

She came out as I was double checking my truck for any remaining items. Our mutual friend was still inside, and I didn't want to just bail out without a word to him, but neither did I want to be around her. I sat in indecision for a moment, and then decided to leave. I told her I needed to move along, and then left. She thanked me for my help as I was walking away.

 

I spent Sunday trying to get my house back to a semblance of order. I was to have the girls with me for the first few days to allow their mother time to settle into her new place. The girls went from their sleepover to their mother's new place, because they wanted to see it and had been asking and asking. After a brief visit there, she then brought them to my house.

 

I had told her that I did not want for her to come in and stay. However, as she was bringing the kids and their stuff in, she told me that she wanted me to quickly talk with customer support in order to transfer the cable TV service to my name. It was 5:30 PM, and I needed to feed and bathe the kids before bed time, and I did not have time to spend on the phone. I told her no, and when she insisted, I told her I could give her five minutes, but if it required more than that, then we would need to do it another time.

 

She insisted that it would take just 2 minutes, but it was well after 6:00 before we were able to finish. In the meantime, my girls went from happy to upset, seeing their mother hanging about, not knowing if she was actually leaving each time she stepped out the door in order to better hear the person on the phone.

 

The night became a disaster, with both girls crying after their mother left. We were behind schedule, and I got them to bed late, even despite having put off some tasks until morning (I usually have them choose clothes the night before to prevent rushing them in the morning).

 

Anyway, our next morning was also a disaster due to the impacts of the previous night. My 5 year old missed her bus, which upset her greatly, and left me driving her to school and an extra 45 minutes late to work.

 

Anyway...

 

After that, I had the girls with my until Tuesday morning. It was a bit hard that first night, getting used to managing all of their parenting needs on my own. By the second night, I was getting better at it.

 

Then came Tuesday night, my first night alone in my house. That was fairly hard. And I slept terribly. Last night was a bit better, and I am hopeful that things will get better still as time goes along.

 

I will have the girls tonight and through the weekend. I am looking forward to that.

 

I have been attempting to maintain as little contact with my ex as is possible. We of course need to communicate with each other on practical matters, but otherwise, I need to have some separation from her. Even so, in her last message to me, she wrote the following:

 

 

"I figure you don't care much about what I am feeling. But in any event, I felt like you should know that I am not rushing into seeing anyone. I need time to process the split and get life to a more normal place for myself and the girls before I contemplate introducing any new developments. I don't have a clear mind or a clear heart, I am myself trying to process and be "ok" with having our relationship end. Just because I felt it was the right thing to do doesn't mean that I am not mourning the loss. On the same note, whenever I do see anyone, there won't be any introductions to the girls until you and I have discussed it first."

 

 

WTF?

 

Not only do I *need* to not care about her personal and social life, but isn't this conversation a tad premature? I mean, less than a week ago, we were all living under the same roof, and she and I were still sharing a bed (a chaste bed, but still...). I don't want or need to know if she wants to sleep with every guy she meets. I of course expect that she will keep our girls away from whatever social life she makes for herself. And of course, if she finds herself in a serious relationship, then she will be introducing her new man to our kids. But I would assume that any such relationship will take time to form, and for us to even be discussing this topic is premature in the extreme.

 

Am I wrong? Why the hell is she telling me this stuff? Should I be worried that she will be parading a series of new partners in front of my kids?

 

Ugh!

 

She continues to try to insert herself into my time with my kids. I have sort of scavenger hunt planned about town with the kids on Saturday. They told this to their mother. She sent me a note, asking if she and I could plan that my girls and I would "accidentally" bump into her while we were out and about. I said no.

 

Today, she tells me, she did not get to hug our 5 year old before she left for school. So, she wants me to have the kids call her tonight. While I can understand her feelings, I told her I would only call her if the girls asked to call her. I did not intend to remind them of her absence with a phone call if both girls seemed fine and happy.

 

Am I going too far, or am I right to push back on what FEELS like being manipulated and controlled? I mean, this is in the context of receiving other emails from her like the following:

 

 

Other things [you need to do]...

 

-The dress Maya is wearing today (blue and green) cannot be put in the clothes dryer.

-The dress Ayla is wearing is wash on cold water and dry on med heat perm press. (as I do all their clothes to preserve their condition longer)

-Good idea to check for lice daily. Haven't seen any bugs, and nothing nit-like in Ayla's hair. Still unsure if the things stuck in Maya's hair was scalp scum or nits. It would be a good idea to soak and comb through Maya's hair with olive oil on Friday night. When you wash Saturday morning, just put some dish soap in with the shampoo to cut the oil. You may have to wash a couple times to get the oil out.

-Last baths were Tuesday night and Maya had a shower wed morning. Ayla will need her hair washed probably by Friday night, and will both need a bath.

 

 

I of course need to know the practical details of what happened while they were with their mother, but do I also need to be told when and how to bathe them, wash their clothes, etc?

[Mr. Lucky]

My friend, it's a process, just takes time to get to a new normal.

 

I remember my first night alone with my then 3-yr old son, he cried and was disconsolate the whole night. Within 30 days, we were into a routine and enjoying our time together.

 

I'd guess your girls - and you - will adjust quickly. Stick to your schedule, stay active and start building memories. You'll get there...

 

Mr. Lucky

[The_Onceler]

Thanks! I guess I just needed to vent a bit. I have been sort of bottling up all of my anger for quite a while now, in an effort to cohabitate with my ex. I hd to see her last night at the 3rd grade open house, but that wasn't too bad.

 

And, it's a new day: I just put the kids on their buses, my house is clean and quiet, and I am about to dig in to the day's work. It actually feels pretty nice at the moment...

[Marc878]

You need to be civil but she left you so purge her from your life as much as possible. Set up some boundaries. Text or email, kids only. You have to detach to move on and you don't want to do the friends thing.

 

You can do A modified 180 and have very little interaction with her.

 

Many do this but you have to set and maintain boundaries.

[The_Onceler]

You need to be civil but she left you so purge her from your life as much as possible. Set up some boundaries. Text or email, kids only. You have to detach to move on and you don't want to do the friends thing.

 

You can do A modified 180 and have very little interaction with her.

 

Many do this but you have to set and maintain boundaries.

 

Thanks!

 

Yeah, that is what I am attempting to do. At this point, we mainly communicate via text and email. I will have to see her on Sunday when I drop off the kids, but after that, I have no reason to see her until my daughter's birthday at the end of the month.

 

My ex keeps trying to insinuate herself - finding all kinds of reasons why I need to go to her new place, or she needs to come to my house ("the kids want to show you their new room", "I need to look for some of my crafting things in the attic", "I didn't hug the kids this morning and want to stop by to see if they are OK", etc).

 

I keep telling her no, and so far she has accepted that. She had sent me that message about how she is feeling, and her thoughts on "not dating right away", but I just declined to engage in that conversation with her at all. She didn't press the point.

 

So, maybe she *will* allow me to detach. I guess it is too early to tell, and I am so sensitive to her micromanagement, it is hard for me to be objective anyway.

 

I have essentially told her that I don't want to see her any more. I don't want her in my house any more than absolutely necessary, and I don't want to spend time in her place either. She has maintained that we need to continue to be friends for the good of the kids, but I of course disagree. and she can't force me to be friends, so...

 

But here on day 6, things are looking OK.

[Marc878]

She'll do what you let her. If you maintain contact it'll just make it harder and longer for you to move on.

 

Here's the trick. Don't answer her calls. Let it go to voicemail then you determine if it needs a response. Same with texts. Upfront 99% of the time it doesn't. So no need to reply. I would send her an email and outline everything so she knows in black and white. You might want to consider separate holidays, birthdays as well. It'll be tougher when she brings another man in.

 

Good luck

[The_Onceler]

It has been just over one month since she moved out (her last night in my house was the night of Sept 9th). She had wanted to allow herself more time to get her new place settled and arranged (her lease started on Sept 1st), but I insisted on the 9th. For me, it had been a long summer, and a long time coming. To recap: she had announced at the end of May that she wanted for us to split, and for me, that had been somewhat out of the blue. Less than a week after that, despite her explicit denial, I discovered that she was having an online affair with an old college boyfriend.

 

That was a difficult pill to swallow.

 

But now it has been about a month, and I think I am starting to get into the swing of things. I get the kids back tonight, and this will be my third weekend with them at home. Weekends when they are with their mother are tough for me. The house feels so lonely, vast and empty.

 

Speaking of, last weekend was "her" weekend with the kids. It would have been only her second weekend since the split. I say "would have" because she had contacted me that previous Tuesday to ask if I would take the kids for her weekend, so that she could go away to Maine. She did not elaborate, aside to say that it was not a "kid friendly" trip. I am assuming that she went away with her boyfriend.

 

Anyway, she asked if I could take them for the weekend. She did not suggest swapping weekends or anything - she just wanted me to take them, which would mean that I would have them for three weekends in a row. Again, that would have been three weekends in a row, out of the first four weekends since we split up.

 

I have been keeping myself busy during my "downtime", and had already committed to assisting my brother with some work around his new house. I *could* have changed my schedule, but out of principal, I refused to do so. Also, there was a part of me that wanted to prevent her from going away with another man. She came back at me with various options - she was working with (on?) me, her brother, her aunt, and her mother and trying to cobble together enough child care so that she could go away. I continued to hold my ground, and she eventually sorted out a schedule with her family so that she could go.

 

Since she had pulled me into the conversation, I felt I had the right to offer my opinion, and I said that I felt it was pretty crappy for her to dump the kids with a patchwork of family like that. All through this breakup process, she and I had both talked about how we needed to do whatever we could to help minimize the negative impacts of our split. A big facet of that was to provide as much love, support, and stability as we could. I felt that, dumping them with family so she could run off for a romantic weekend away... well, that was not supporting the kids very well.

 

She defended her decision, of course. She pointed out how she had been required to work on each weekend when the kids had been with me. She also pointed out that her mother had been asking to have the kids for a weekend visit, and the kids had been asking to go. Now, all of that may be true, but in a manner that I have found to be typical for her, she was being entirely disingenuous. In fact, her mother was going to a wedding last weekend, and her brother had to work. So, the kids were shunted around, spent their time either in the car or stuck in their grandmother's house, and spent the entire weekend sitting inside, coloring and/or watching TV. They reported to me that it was no fun, that Meme was too tired to play, and that she wasn't even around much.

 

So, while it may be true that Meme had been wanting the kids for a weekend visit, it was clear that she had not intended for the visit to be THAT weekend.

 

Still, though, I guess in general it is none of my business what she does with them when they are with her, so long as she does not endanger them. But I find it odd how my thoughts keep drifting toward these two notions: (1) wanting to prevent her from moving on with the other man, and (2) wanting to know with a certainty whether she is involved with him or not.

 

Like, I am fairly sure that she went away with him for the weekend, and when I think of what that means, I find that it breaks my heart a little. Then part of me wants to find absolute proof, like I fantasize about driving by her place and finding his car there. Of course, I quickly dismiss such notions, but in the process I become aware of what I am doing, and I think, WTF? I already know that she had an online affair, and she told me directly that she wanted to pursue a relationship with him. She said plainly that she feels a great attraction to him. And she has left me. And I think I hate her for all of that.

 

So, why am I behaving as if I still need "proof", and why I am feeling the desire to stand in their way? I mean, I can't imagine any way that she and I could reconcile, so one would think that I have accepted that she will move on to another man.

 

Perhaps it is the speed with which she is moving on? I mean, back in May, we celebrated both Mother's Day and my birthday. I recall bringing her roses and such, taking the family to breakfast, etc. I also recall that she made a cake for me, and she and the kids surprised me with it. We all went to dinner that night. I recall that things seemed to be on an upswing.

 

Then within a month, she wanted to split, and was sending naked pictures of herself to her boyfriend while I was asleep in our bed upstairs.

 

Now, less than a month after she moved out, she is heading off for a weekend with him? It really hurts, but why? I hate it. I feel like I will spend the rest of my life feeling this sort of hurt for her, even though I don't feel that we could ever be together. Am I totally messed up, or is this normal?

 

It is worse when I actually have to SEE her, so I have done my best to avoid face-to-face contact. That seems to help. But I can't always avoid her. Lord, I hope it gets easier...

[BluesPower]

You really have to understand that she has moved on and is sleeping with the new boyfriend, I mean that is kind of obvious.

 

I think you are doing pretty well for the most part. Were you really that in love with her in the first place.

 

I also think that you need to stop going out of your way to be nice to her, I mean why? You don't have to be ugly, but you don't owe her a thing, at all.

 

So the next time she wants you to take the kids so she can get laid, or asks some type of favor, just say no. In fact tell her you and the new GF have plans this weekend and they don't include keeping the kids. "Not kid friendly". It does not matter if it is true or not.

 

I am really not sure why you were/are so nice to her in the first place, but I think it is high time to stop going out of your way for her in any way.

 

You also need to think about dating on some level and continue to build a new life.

 

I hop things get better and better, good luck...

[GorillaTheater]

Carefully document the times you have with your children, particularly the occasions she gives up her time. Save any emails or texts where she asks you to take them during her time.

 

 

Prepare for the upcoming custody battle, whether you actually have to fight that battle or not.

[The_Onceler]

Thanks for your responses, BP.

 

I should clarify: I understand that she is sleeping with the new/old boyfriend. I would imagine that a rainy weekend in Maine with an old flame would be a sex extravaganza. Well, I don't know with 100% certainty that she as with him (she could have been with her sister, for instance), but it is the most likely scenario. I guess it would help me to know with a certainty, so I can feel OK with closing that door 100%, you know?

 

I don't know if I can say I was in love with her. For that matter, I don't know if I can honestly say that I know what love really is. But with me ex, yes, I have had an extreme need and desire for her. Probably there is some underlying, unhealthy co-dependency thing going on, but whatever it is, it has spurred me to try to be with her for these last 15 years or so. There were times when I felt so intensely connected with her, and so amazingly content - it is almost hard to believe that I ever felt such things. I remember it feeling REALLY good, so probably it was unhealthy!

 

I find it funny that you think I am being nice to her. Not to say that you are incorrect, but it is so hard for me to be objective. In what ways do you think I am or have been too nice? The allowing her to live with me for the summer was a combination of things. As part of my initial reaction to learning of the other man, I told her to get the hell out. She had only a part time job and no place to go aside from family. She threatened that, if I made her leave, she would take the kids with her. Things would have gotten really ugly, and the kids would have suffered. Instead, I opted to maintain the status quo, to avoid that, and to also provide as much stability for the kids when the split did come. Perhaps I was too nice to her, but I felt I had to do all of that for the kids. Maybe that was the wrong decision. As I said, it is hard to be objective about all of this.

 

I did say no to her, but she was able to find other folks to cover for her. My only real reticence was that I would rather have had the girls with me than have them cooped up with their Meme, when she already had other plans. But I figure, their mother will ALWAYS be able to manipulate me that way, and I really can't allow that.

 

With regard to dating. I know that I should, but I really have no idea where to even start. Also, I am not sure I am ready for that yet. I have sort of been on emotional hold all summer, and it has only been since she left that I have begun the process of moving on. I don't suspect I will move on as easily as she.

 

To be fair, as I read some of the stories of other folks here, I suspect that I have it relatively easy. And I think I am doing fairly well. Still, I appreciate your thoughts.

[The_Onceler]

Carefully document the times you have with your children, particularly the occasions she gives up her time. Save any emails or texts where she asks you to take them during her time.

 

 

Prepare for the upcoming custody battle, whether you actually have to fight that battle or not.

 

Thanks! I had been keeping careful notes, but it didn't occur to me to make records that would stand up to legal scrutiny. I have a number of texts that we sent back and forth. I will need to figure out how to save those in such a way that they could be used in court, if need be.

 

Right now, though, I suspect there is more chance she would give up custody rather than fight for it. I suppose that could change once she has a new sugar daddy, though...

[fenix]

OP, you are a brave man, I really have a lot of respect for the way you have handle all this.

It is normal that you are hurting but this will go away. Just try to have a healthy life style and focus on yourself and on your daughters when they are with you.

With the time you will create your own routine and your ex will become just a necessary annoyance.

Try to don't think to much about her and focus on what you want to do with your life from now.

You have all my support and sympathy!

[Wade Lamare]

As I see it Onceler, all this wanting to be involved, writing you notes etc. is for her to supply the illusion that you are both friends.

 

Has she asked you that, "can we at least still be friends and do family stuff together?"

 

If you are both outwardly friends it alleviates her shameful blowing up of your 'marriage', crippling you financially and humping Mr Magicpants.

 

"Ha ha ha, oh yes good old Onceler and I, don't we have jolly japes."

 

"Yes, we've remained friends and we both agreed that this split was best for both of us, we're both quite upbeat about it." "I even share in some of the family outings, that's how cool we are about it."

 

"Mr Magicpants? isn't it amazing, despite the emotional distress, grief and sadness accompanied with breaking up with my loving spouse I accidentally hooked up with this guy the day after I moved out." "Isn't life strange."

[Mr. Lucky]

Perhaps it is the speed with which she is moving on? I mean, back in May, we celebrated both Mother's Day and my birthday. I recall bringing her roses and such, taking the family to breakfast, etc. I also recall that she made a cake for me, and she and the kids surprised me with it. We all went to dinner that night. I recall that things seemed to be on an upswing.

 

Then within a month, she wanted to split, and was sending naked pictures of herself to her boyfriend while I was asleep in our bed upstairs.

 

Now, less than a month after she moved out, she is heading off for a weekend with him? It really hurts, but why? I hate it. I feel like I will spend the rest of my life feeling this sort of hurt for her, even though I don't feel that we could ever be together. Am I totally messed up, or is this normal?

 

The reason it seems quick to you is that she's ahead of the curve. She was most likely involved with him back in May or earlier so she's had longer to plan and execute.

 

For what it's worth, from an outsider's perspective you've handled yourself well and made much progress. Understanding the futility of venting to her and choosing to do so here instead - smart move. Avoid the drama and, with kids involved, take the high road...

 

Mr. Lucky

[The_Onceler]

OP, you are a brave man, I really have a lot of respect for the way you have handle all this.

It is normal that you are hurting but this will go away. Just try to have a healthy life style and focus on yourself and on your daughters when they are with you.

With the time you will create your own routine and your ex will become just a necessary annoyance.

Try to don't think to much about her and focus on what you want to do with your life from now.

You have all my support and sympathy!

 

You know, in all of this, I have struggled with being objective. I want to do right by my girls, and I want to be fair to myself, and I want to prevent her from taking further advantage of me, tho I know I am terrible at discerning when she does that.

 

It makes my head spin.

 

And as odd as it sounds, it is such a RELIEF to hear that somebody thinks I am doing a good job. Sincerely. Thanks for that.

[The_Onceler]

As I see it Onceler, all this wanting to be involved, writing you notes etc. is for her to supply the illusion that you are both friends.

 

Has she asked you that, "can we at least still be friends and do family stuff together?"

 

If you are both outwardly friends it alleviates her shameful blowing up of your 'marriage', crippling you financially and humping Mr Magicpants.

 

"Ha ha ha, oh yes good old Onceler and I, don't we have jolly japes."

 

"Yes, we've remained friends and we both agreed that this split was best for both of us, we're both quite upbeat about it." "I even share in some of the family outings, that's how cool we are about it."

 

"Mr Magicpants? isn't it amazing, despite the emotional distress, grief and sadness accompanied with breaking up with my loving spouse I accidentally hooked up with this guy the day after I moved out." "Isn't life strange."

 

Yeah, I had maintained the facade for my kids, but anyone who is close to us knows the real story. Well, I am not sure what she tells her family and casual friends, but our close friends know the score.

 

It was actually sort of comical: when the ex moved out, she had me, her brother, and a long time friend moving her stuff. I was happy to do it, because (1) it was getting her out, and (2) I could keep an eye on what she was taking. Anyway, at one point I was venting to this friend of hers, a guy who I have also become close with over the last 10 years or so. I mentioned how I was feeling angry about the "other man", and mentioned him by name. Well, it turns out that they all knew each other back in the day. So, he turns and he says, "That guy? Seriously? He was kind of a douche."

 

The ex WAS peeved at me when I made some comment on social media about being a single dad. I wasn't really thinking about it - I just posted a picture of me and my girls on what would have been a family camping trip, and I commented that it was my first vacation as a single dad. Well, the pixels hadn't even coalesced on the screen before my ex sent me a message, saying that she hadn't wanted to announce our split the world just yet.

 

I said, in essence, too effin bad.

 

 

But you are right on the money - she really wanted to maintain the facade, as if all is right with the world. But again, anyone who knows us, either knows the truth, or can put it together.

 

 

 

Oh, and one more detail: Mr. MagicPants? He was one of her college boyfriends. He was married with two children, and recently separated. After his separation, he evidently reached out to my ex, and the rest is adulterous history.