How do I do this??

[Puppybuttons]

The time has come for me to pull the plug on my five year affair. This man is the love of my life and my best friend who I've spent everyday with for the past five years. I love him more than anything yet, I know he will never leave his wife for me and while I'm okay with that, their relationship has only gotten better and it's killing me.

 

I know I need to get out because it hurts every day to be with him yet I will miss our intimacy (emotional) which is the part of the relationship I love the most. I've never had that with anyone. I've considered just being friends but it would be torture.

 

I'm sitting in my car bawling and I haven't even told him yet! How do I do this? How do I get the strength? I can't live with him and I can't live without him.

 

My heart hurts.

[Ronnie33]

You get out by choosing yourself over them. He could be the most perfect guy in the world but he'll never be yours and unless you want to spend the rest of your life crying and in pain, you will choose to move on.

 

Trust me, it took me 3 years to get here and it's a work in progress but I'm over choosing someone who is never going to choose me.

[BuddyX]

"Don't cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it"

 

Time to move on.

[loveisanaction]

It's been 5 years. He's not leaving and most important of all is his relationship with his wife is getting better.

 

Life is not a dress rehearsal hon, you don't get a second time to come back and do it again.

 

Don't live your life being the other woman to a man who is working on a happily ever after with his legal wife.

[pooldog]

The others all have such good advice on how to deal with it. And you sound like you have made your own wise choice.

 

The way to do it - authentically. Say I am now done with being #3 and I want to be with someone who will make me their one and only.

 

For me, I texted a list of all of the stuff I gave up. I gave up meeting his friends, going to his place, getting engaged, being able to plan trips, sharing social media accounts, being able to tell my friends, and as I typed the list I got more and more sure. It is a strong dose of reality for both of you. It feels good to you when you type and send. You can also apologize for the pain it will cause. But you must be firm that you do not want to be the other woman any more and you are going to go out and find your partner when you heal and in the mean time he must not contact you any more because you need to heal.

 

Now is your time to spell out what you want - for a relationship partner and for how this relationship will not continue.

 

If you read this board you will see that the only way you can "quit" him is to have NO CONTACT.

 

In my case we did this four times and each time he came back and said I would get a divorce and he actually tried to move out and then he got caught and we had a DDay so now he is out.

 

I am relieved to be honest because I did not like the whole thing and I felt it was in his best interest to stay married. And I did not like playing the pick me game or being in limbo. And I like getting a fresh start. And I had a wise friend who once said - you can't mourn what you did not have in the first place so I am not allowing myself to wallow in what might have been - that is a moot point. When I get sad I remember the things I did not like. I am 6 weeks out so I am not so sad so much!

 

I am dating now and it is nice to talk to single men.

 

When one door closes, another door opens.

 

I am sure you felt his love and affection and you have many happy memories. There is always a good side and bad side to everything. But it is time for you to find your own man and not to be miserable as the OW and not to be alone so many nights. I understand that pain.

 

But I also understand that I made a great decision to control my own life and not to wait for his text, call, crumbs. He had once promised he would leave but he did not. So I am done. And I learned a lot. I would never do that again no matter the attraction. I have learned a lot from this board.

 

And I welcome you here. Keep us posted. We all care.

 

The time has come for me to pull the plug on my five year affair. This man is the love of my life and my best friend who I've spent everyday with for the past five years. I love him more than anything yet, I know he will never leave his wife for me and while I'm okay with that, their relationship has only gotten better and it's killing me.

 

I know I need to get out because it hurts every day to be with him yet I will miss our intimacy (emotional) which is the part of the relationship I love the most. I've never had that with anyone. I've considered just being friends but it would be torture.

 

I'm sitting in my car bawling and I haven't even told him yet! How do I do this? How do I get the strength? I can't live with him and I can't live without him.

 

My heart hurts.

Edited July 18, 2016 by pooldog

[13Hearts]

By understanding that he is not the love of your life, he's the love of his wife's life.

 

By accepting that he is not your best friend, and that a true friend would never string you along for five years.

 

By ensuring that you stop loving other people more than you love yourself.

 

By making YOU, YOUR wants, YOUR desires, YOUR needs number one in your life; not his.

 

By recognizing that this relationship w a MM is a battle between his needs and your needs, and doing what you have to do to get your needs met. He has had 5 YEARS of getting his needs met. Now it's your turn.

 

By accepting that you are THROUGH with him. You are ending it with him because you're done with him, he is NOT meeting your needs, and you want more out of life than just being some guy's friend or mistress.

 

By making your wishes, your hopes, and your dreams very clear in your mind, even if you have to paint a picture or build a dreamboard, so that you do not go back on what you have already made your mind up about (ending the affair, because he does not fit into YOUR wishes, hopes, dreams, wants, needs, and desires).

 

By strengthening your resolve to stop short-changing yourself and living a "less-than" life so that you can accommodate SOMEONE ELSE's extra-marital desires.

 

By taking an attitude of observation every time the emotions run deep, whether yours or his. This means controlling yourself so that you are not drawn in to the drama, and observing yourself and him, so that you can see the truth.

 

Good luck. You can do this. You NEED to do this. As long as you are this guy's second choice, you will never be able to put yourself first. Choose you.

[Shadowburn]

I'm citing Privategal, one of the wisest posters here:

 

"There is no secret formula.

You be brave

You say no more

You end it

You suffer

You heal

You walk toward freedom"

 

Best of luck - yes, you can do it, I did it and many others too

[MidnightBlue1980]

The time has come for me to pull the plug on my five year affair. This man is the love of my life and my best friend who I've spent everyday with for the past five years. I love him more than anything yet, I know he will never leave his wife for me and while I'm okay with that, their relationship has only gotten better and it's killing me.

 

I know I need to get out because it hurts every day to be with him yet I will miss our intimacy (emotional) which is the part of the relationship I love the most. I've never had that with anyone. I've considered just being friends but it would be torture.

 

I'm sitting in my car bawling and I haven't even told him yet! How do I do this? How do I get the strength? I can't live with him and I can't live without him.

 

My heart hurts.

 

You do it like this - picture this- DDay for him. He drops you like yesterday's trash and tells his wife all kinds of lies to make sure he doesn't lose her. He blames you for it all and takes the victim role. He then completely ignores you and if you are lucky to get a response, tells you "I am sorry, I just can't communicate with you".

 

This is more than just a post. This was my actual experience. And I wanted to die. Literally. But I didn't. And neither will you.

 

My advice is to not tell him. Just cut off. Ok I have a heart, if he is really confused, say, I don't want to be the other woman anymore. I made a big thing out of it and he said no, he would not leave. Then he went and told her all I wrote above. Save yourself the pain.

 

He never said a word to me. He just cut off. Like I was nothing.

 

Do not be me.

[Puppybuttons]

We had a DDay about a year ago but he refused to leave, we just hid it more. I'm sorry that that happened to you.

[Ronnie33]

We had a DDay about a year ago but he refused to leave, we just hid it more. I'm sorry that that happened to you.

 

He refused to leave but he didn't pick you. Itdoesn't show his love for you, it just shows his selfish need to keep both women.

[MidnightBlue1980]

He refused to leave but he didn't pick you. Itdoesn't show his love for you, it just shows his selfish need to keep both women.

 

Yes. This exactly. This is not your prince.

[MidnightBlue1980]

We had a DDay about a year ago but he refused to leave, we just hid it more. I'm sorry that that happened to you.

 

Why wouldn't he leave? Let me guess - vows, family, money, kids

 

BTW, I have a guy friend divorcing his wife - he took vows, he has kids, family and it will kill him financially. He has no other woman. He is just miserable for years. That is what it looks like. When a guy wants out, they will chew off their own arm to get out.

[Puppybuttons]

I understand that. He has never said once that he'd leave his wife for me. I can honestly say that he's never led me on about that.

 

What he has said, however, and she's verified this (she knew about our friendship but not affair), that I stabilize his marriage, that without me they'd fall apart.

 

That has kept me there much longer than I would have. But no more. I couldn't do it today cause I was simply crying too much but I feel better and will do it tomorrow.

[Puppybuttons]

Oh and this is his second marriage. The first divorce he initiated so I know he's capable. I just know he simply doesn't want to. They don't even have kids so there's no reason he couldn't. He just doesn't want to. My eyes are wide open there.

[pooldog]

Be strong and come back and tell us your story.

 

You will have peace afterwards.

 

 

Oh and this is his second marriage. The first divorce he initiated so I know he's capable. I just know he simply doesn't want to. They don't even have kids so there's no reason he couldn't. He just doesn't want to. My eyes are wide open there.

[BuddyX]

I understand that. He has never said once that he'd leave his wife for me. I can honestly say that he's never led me on about that.

 

What he has said, however, and she's verified this (she knew about our friendship but not affair), that I stabilize his marriage, that without me they'd fall apart.

 

That has kept me there much longer than I would have. But no more. I couldn't do it today cause I was simply crying too much but I feel better and will do it tomorrow.

 

Wow, that is so messed up. He needs a mistress in order for his marriage to thrive. Think about that one.

[pooldog]

That is horrid and I remember your story are you ok?

 

 

You do it like this - picture this- DDay for him. He drops you like yesterday's trash and tells his wife all kinds of lies to make sure he doesn't lose her. He blames you for it all and takes the victim role. He then completely ignores you and if you are lucky to get a response, tells you "I am sorry, I just can't communicate with you".

 

This is more than just a post. This was my actual experience. And I wanted to die. Literally. But I didn't. And neither will you.

 

My advice is to not tell him. Just cut off. Ok I have a heart, if he is really confused, say, I don't want to be the other woman anymore. I made a big thing out of it and he said no, he would not leave. Then he went and told her all I wrote above. Save yourself the pain.

 

He never said a word to me. He just cut off. Like I was nothing.

 

Do not be me.

[whichwayisup]

Oh and this is his second marriage. The first divorce he initiated so I know he's capable. I just know he simply doesn't want to. They don't even have kids so there's no reason he couldn't. He just doesn't want to. My eyes are wide open there.

 

Exactly. He doesn't want to divorce because he loves his wife. He may care about you, even love you but it's not enough for him to start a new life with you.

 

You find that inner strength, put yourself first, love and respect yourself above everything else (HIM!!) and you'll able to end your affair with him. It'll hurt and you'll probably cry a lot, but one day you will feel so much better because you've set yourself free for a (single) great guy to come swoop you up and love you and build a life with you.

 

Rely on good friends that you can trust to help you through this process, as well as continuing to post here.

 

Stay strong and just know that even though it's killing your heart, you're doing the right thing by ending it.

[Puppybuttons]

I believe he loves me. But yes, not enough.

 

Please send me strength

[pooldog]

Of course he loves you. Mine says I am the love of his life. But love and action for moving mountains is two different things. Love is not enough; you need timing and commitment !!!

 

You are already strong. He is sleeping and spooning his wife!

 

I believe he loves me. But yes, not enough.

 

Please send me strength

[Poppy47]

I understand that. He has never said once that he'd leave his wife for me. I can honestly say that he's never led me on about that.

 

What he has said, however, and she's verified this (she knew about our friendship but not affair), that I stabilize his marriage, that without me they'd fall apart.

 

That has kept me there much longer than I would have. But no more. I couldn't do it today cause I was simply crying too much but I feel better and will do it tomorrow.

 

She's as warped as he is. It's a very dysfunctional and unhealthy arrangement.

Preserve your sanity and your mental health my dumping both.

 

Poppy

[HappyAgain2014]

I understand that. He has never said once that he'd leave his wife for me. I can honestly say that he's never led me on about that.

 

What he has said, however, and she's verified this (she knew about our friendship but not affair), that I stabilize his marriage, that without me they'd fall apart.

 

That has kept me there much longer than I would have. But no more. I couldn't do it today cause I was simply crying too much but I feel better and will do it tomorrow.

 

They won't fall apart. Cheaters are manipulative and create codependent relationships. That statement demonstrates both.

 

Their marriage isn't your cross to carry. All you're getting is the pain while he gets the perks.

 

Walk away.

[loveisanaction]

I understand that. He has never said once that he'd leave his wife for me. I can honestly say that he's never led me on about that.

 

What he has said, however, and she's verified this (she knew about our friendship but not affair), that I stabilize his marriage, that without me they'd fall apart.

 

That has kept me there much longer than I would have. But no more. I couldn't do it today cause I was simply crying too much but I feel better and will do it tomorrow.

 

What he has said, however, and she's verified this (she knew about our friendship but not affair), that I stabilize his marriage, that without me they'd fall apart..

 

Uh-huh! Okay...

 

So what would have happened to his marriage if you had never been born?

 

I'm sorry i know you care deeply for him but this guy is full of (bleep).....

[Lady2163]

She's as warped as he is. It's a very dysfunctional and unhealthy arrangement.

Preserve your sanity and your mental health my dumping both.

 

Poppy

 

If the OP was his "work wife" and the wife knew about the friendship, it may not be as twisted as it sounds to read that.

 

I had one of those moments in my seven years with MM. He told me the marriage was going better because he was no longer whining for sex and she was no longer turning him down. This meant a lot fewer fights and he was able to cuddle and be affectionate without simmering.

 

Ugh. Wince.

 

How do you handle it? One hour at a time. I didn't work with MM and I wish I'd been able to take off for a few days, but a vacation wasn't in the cards at the time. I did stay in bed for three days and it was a couple of weeks before I could eat without thinking everything tasted like sawdust.

 

I never had that in a relationship before and I deny that I was in romantic love with him. But, I felt he was my best friend. In and out of the bedroom.

 

I'm a bit rare on here in that I'm able to keep in touch with him. It varies. Sometimes we will talk and text multiple times a week, other times we go weeks without a peep. What made me sad is that we can't see each other. That's too much temptation.

 

He's not the only ex I have that kind of rapport with.

[Puppybuttons]

We're not co-workers. We just made time to see each other every day. It was more like best friends with benefits and the friendship is the part I'm going to miss the most. He's been my constant companion for over five years.