How do I do this??

[Midwestmissy]

Since this isn't a situation that's healthy, I think as you heal you'll see the friendship for what it was. That perhaps it wasn't the ideal best friend thing at all. Sometimes you step away and the big picture becomes very clear - that perhaps you saw it for what you wanted it to be. It makes it hard to accept that you were devoted to someone who wasn't good for you, so you hang on desperately to the notion that he was in fact good. That's really normal. And 5 yrs is a long time invested.

 

Real lasting connections with true friends are rarely born from deceit. Just as soul mates aren't always ones nanny or administrative assistant. It's what was available.

[anika99]

Okay, well first of all Puppybuttons is like the cutest username ever. Every time I see it I want to cuddle a puppy. Secondly, there is no getting around the fact that ending this affair is going to hurt. That's just a fact and you have to accept that you will be in emotional pain for awhile. You will have to grieve but there are things you can do to make it easier on yourself.

 

For one thing work on changing your perspective. Realize that in a sense he was always using you. Sure he may have feelings for you but mostly your purpose has been to make him feel good and meet his needs, while you are stuck with half a man. You say he is your best friend but is he really? He uses you to make himself feel good. Is that what best friends do? He loves you selfishly. If he really was concerned about your well being and your best interest he would be ending this himself because he would want better for you and he would be ashamed of himself for putting you in this position. He is not truly a friend at all. He is helping you sabotage your happiness. Not a friend. When you are hanging around wallowing in pain over missing him write a list of all the things this affair was taking away from you, all the sacrifices you have made for him. You think he is a prince charming because your vision is cloudy. Make that list and study it and then get him off that pedestal you have him on.

[MidnightBlue1980]

That is horrid and I remember your story are you ok?

 

Was this to me? I am okay but it was a long, dark road. I honestly wanted to die and never thought I'd be okay again. But I am okay. I even still see him and am able to say hello. The pain is mostly gone, all that remains is that feeling that you were not enough. Ego. I don't love him anymore and when I looked at him this morning, I have no idea what I saw in him. Remember the muppets, those two muppets who sat on top commenting? He reminded me of the blond furry one.

 

Day by day I get better.

[Lobe]

Remember the muppets, those two muppets who sat on top commenting? He reminded me of the blond furry one.

 

Puppybuttons, there is lots of wise, comforting advice to be found here but there is something profound about Midnight's words. The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. When you can see your xAP and wonder what you ever saw in him (or see him as a Muppet ) you know you're making progress.

 

Here's my two bitz: Write a letter giving advice about how to handle your situation to your BFF or your daughter or sister, then take your own advice.

[Puppybuttons]

I'm about to pull the plug on my five year affair. He was my best friend and we spent every day together (no, not co-workers). It's going to be the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life.

 

I am going to go NC, unfriend him, block emails, etc. I know from past experience that he's not going to let me go easily and I know I'm going to have trouble resisting. He will use every trick in the book, I know him that well.

 

The only way to ensure he won't come after me is to blow up his marriage. I'm not a vindictive person and I don't want him and her to suffer (I really do love him) but I know that if she knows, it will end for sure. I have five years worth of emails, texts, cards, gifts, etc, pretty much irrefutable proof. He's a master rhetorician so I know how he'll spin it but even he wouldn't be able to talk his way out of it.

 

What do you think I should do?

[BuddyX]

Blowing up the marriage should always be on the table. But I do not recommend it.

Are you goung to have one more meeting with him, or are you going my NC cold turkey?

If you do meet him one more time then tell him (while showing a thumb drive); "You contact me one time, I'll send all the evidence to your wife".

 

Walk away.

[Lobe]

I'm about to pull the plug on my five year affair. He was my best friend and we spent every day together (no, not co-workers). It's going to be the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life.

 

I am going to go NC, unfriend him, block emails, etc. I know from past experience that he's not going to let me go easily and I know I'm going to have trouble resisting. He will use every trick in the book, I know him that well.

 

The only way to ensure he won't come after me is to blow up his marriage. I'm not a vindictive person and I don't want him and her to suffer (I really do love him) but I know that if she knows, it will end for sure. I have five years worth of emails, texts, cards, gifts, etc, pretty much irrefutable proof. He's a master rhetorician so I know how he'll spin it but even he wouldn't be able to talk his way out of it.

 

What do you think I should do?

 

I suggest you let him know that you have his wife's contact information and any attempts at contacting you will be forwarded to her personal email. Send off a warning shot - email the wife from an anonymous account something innocuous - an invitation to use the chat app you were using or something and BCC him so he knows you're serious. Then, if he DOES attempt to contact you then you can decide what course of action to take. But straight up "blowing up his marriage?" Even your choice of words sounds vindictive and you have no idea what kind of wrath you might rain down on yourself from his wife.

[whichwayisup]

I'm about to pull the plug on my five year affair. He was my best friend and we spent every day together (no, not co-workers). It's going to be the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life.

 

I am going to go NC, unfriend him, block emails, etc. I know from past experience that he's not going to let me go easily and I know I'm going to have trouble resisting. He will use every trick in the book, I know him that well.

 

The only way to ensure he won't come after me is to blow up his marriage. I'm not a vindictive person and I don't want him and her to suffer (I really do love him) but I know that if she knows, it will end for sure. I have five years worth of emails, texts, cards, gifts, etc, pretty much irrefutable proof. He's a master rhetorician so I know how he'll spin it but even he wouldn't be able to talk his way out of it.

 

What do you think I should do?

 

You tell him that the A is over, and never to contact you again. Ask him to please respect your wishes... Also let him know that if he does reach out to you at any time you WILL confess the affair to his wife.

 

If it comes to that, you own your part in the affair to his wife, apologize to her, and answer any questions she may have honestly and respectfully.

 

You can stay strong and ignore him though. If need be, change your number and email address.

[Ronnie33]

You will get mixed repondes here on whether to tell or not. I didn't tell because we both entered into this mess together. He never made me promises that he would leave her for me and when I was married I never did either. I akso didn't want to hurt her and destroy her life. Yes, I was doing that but she had no knowledge and I didn't want to be the person to do it. I didn't want everyone knowing what I did and I also didn't want to come across as the vengeful OW. He always respected me when I went NC. He never harassed me or broke my wishes. He was always waiting when I came back but he respected my space.

 

I'm not telling you not to tell her, that's your decision and this was mine. If for any reason though, you think telling her will break them up and send him to you, it won't. He will hate you and feel betrayed but if that's the only way to get you to move on, do it.

[rumblefish12]

I agree with the above. The threat should be enough. If the threat is not enough, then it is on him.

[loveisanaction]

Puppybuttons...

 

I have a question for you.

 

You said that your married man never future faked you, never promised that he would leave his wife for you and never assured you that one day he would be yours; in your last post you said that at least he was honest about that.

 

You stayed with him for 5 years knowing this.

 

What is your reason for telling his wife now?

[MidnightBlue1980]

I'm about to pull the plug on my five year affair. He was my best friend and we spent every day together (no, not co-workers). It's going to be the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life.

 

I am going to go NC, unfriend him, block emails, etc. I know from past experience that he's not going to let me go easily and I know I'm going to have trouble resisting. He will use every trick in the book, I know him that well.

 

The only way to ensure he won't come after me is to blow up his marriage. I'm not a vindictive person and I don't want him and her to suffer (I really do love him) but I know that if she knows, it will end for sure. I have five years worth of emails, texts, cards, gifts, etc, pretty much irrefutable proof. He's a master rhetorician so I know how he'll spin it but even he wouldn't be able to talk his way out of it.

 

What do you think I should do?

 

I'm going to say something different. Before you come off like a crazy lady, what do you think he will say if you just tell him it's time for you to move on, you want to meet someone of your own and he's married, so that's that?

 

Personally I would try that first and then do the NC and if he persists, do what I did. When xMM came back with his I love yous and I found out he was lying and was in MC and having sex with her, I sent him all these screenshots of his I love yous.

 

He did not tell me he loved me anymore. He did think I was crazy.

[MidnightBlue1980]

 

What do you think I should do?

 

Added - my H made xMM tell his wife about us. You don't know what a DDay feels like as the OW. You don't know what it is like to be completely ignored and cast aside. I really don't wish that on you. Its better to just walk away like it was your decision.

[sunburned]

I understand that. He has never said once that he'd leave his wife for me. I can honestly say that he's never led me on about that.

 

What he has said, however, and she's verified this (she knew about our friendship but not affair), that I stabilize his marriage, that without me they'd fall apart.

That has kept me there much longer than I would have. But no more. I couldn't do it today cause I was simply crying too much but I feel better and will do it tomorrow.

 

How's that starring role as marital band-aid working out for you?

[Puppybuttons]

Thank you all for your reply. I never thought to warn him first, that's an excellent suggestion. I will do that. I'm glad I asked first.

[Lobe]

Thank you all for your reply. I never thought to warn him first, that's an excellent suggestion. I will do that. I'm glad I asked first.

 

Just make sure you are clear that it's a statement of intent and not a threat. It's a fact - you WILL disclose.

 

Let us know how it goes. Good luck, puppy!

[Lady2163]

I'm going to say something different. Before you come off like a crazy lady, what do you think he will say if you just tell him it's time for you to move on, you want to meet someone of your own and he's married, so that's that?

 

Personally I would try that first and then do the NC and if he persists, do what I did. When xMM came back with his I love yous and I found out he was lying and was in MC and having sex with her, I sent him all these screenshots of his I love yous.

 

He did not tell me he loved me anymore. He did think I was crazy.

 

I did a variation of this. I knew he ultimately wanted me to be happy.

 

We were long distance. I told him I was chatting with a man on OLD. Then we had a date, then we had another date. Then we were having dates, going to lunch and working out together. Then I had to cancel my next trip to see him. We usually saw each other every six or seven weeks. By the time the next window of opportunity rolled around, I was in a monogamous relationship.

 

Only it was fiction, but it was the best way to let it end. It is what worked for us. It may be convoluted. XMM and I still talk, but this last March I was tired of maintaining the facade for 25 months. I told him imaginary boyfriend and I had needed things since I am moving and he doesn't want to move with me.

[pooldog]

Puppy,

 

Take the high road. Be firm and tell him no more. Then block him on your phone and text and reroute emails to the trash. Do not let him see you. You might have to be firm a few times but then it will sink in.

 

I cannot see any reason to tell his wife - that is his business and you do not need more drama or her telling people you know. But that is just my opinion. I am hoping for a quiet and permanent escape for you without drama so you can recover and then move on with your life.

 

It will feel sad at first but the peace and absence of anxiety will make you whole again and each day will get better. If you try to stay busy and work on new life projects the loss of the affair will fade to tolerable.

 

I'm about to pull the plug on my five year affair. He was my best friend and we spent every day together (no, not co-workers). It's going to be the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life.

 

I am going to go NC, unfriend him, block emails, etc. I know from past experience that he's not going to let me go easily and I know I'm going to have trouble resisting. He will use every trick in the book, I know him that well.

 

The only way to ensure he won't come after me is to blow up his marriage. I'm not a vindictive person and I don't want him and her to suffer (I really do love him) but I know that if she knows, it will end for sure. I have five years worth of emails, texts, cards, gifts, etc, pretty much irrefutable proof. He's a master rhetorician so I know how he'll spin it but even he wouldn't be able to talk his way out of it.

 

What do you think I should do?

[Poppy47]

Blowing up the marriage should always be on the table. But I do not recommend it.

Are you goung to have one more meeting with him, or are you going my NC cold turkey?

If you do meet him one more time then tell him (while showing a thumb drive); "You contact me one time, I'll send all the evidence to your wife".

 

Walk away.

 

I would be a little more subtle and careful than this. One never knows what he might do to you.

Poppy.