random tears Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 Hello All..... I need input here... I am not going into the particulars here, because I have posted on my BF before and frankly I dont want to bore you....but if you wish to read some short backround, type my name in the search engine and my 3 posts are there..... SOOOOO My current situation with boyfriend is CHAOTIC.....we are at each other every 2 hours, fighting, jealous, one-upping each other with every oportunity, competing, crazy crazy crazyyyyy...but still find time to make love and be kind.... Here goes: My BF and I have been together for a reasonable amount of time..... We have had our issues, esp when it comes to the language barrier.... I am invested in making this thing work, however now... Within the next month or so, BF is going to Spain and would like me to go with him. He hasnt seen his family for 4 years. His mother and father, sisters and cousins are there...and he wants to me to meet them all. Naturally I am a bit nervous as it IS his family, and NONE of them speak english....and I am a beginner when it comes to conversations.... He keeps pushing for me to go...BUT...I have my reservations.. Here is what I know: *BF and I have been pissing each other off a lot lately *The language barrier has been increasingly difficult *I believe that we both love each other and cannot let go. *He is going for almost 2 weeks... In my heart, I feel like we both need a break to cool off from one another...we are both very headstrong and passionate, just about different things.... I am torn in 2 different directions....I think he is too. - I want to go because I think meeting his family will draw us closer..plus I want to see how he grew up. Family is important to him, but for me, I never had one, so i think it would bring us closer He is really pushing for me to go, even though we will both have to shell out a lot of money,(He avoids spending money at all costs) and he is stressing how much his mother wants to meet me.... On the other hand: I DONT want to go because I think that this break could potentially mellow us both out and let us figure out exactly how we feel about each other but I am also concerned about being away from each other might just make him forget about me altogether and decide that he really doesnt want me after all..... Not really sure how fickle he is because we dont speak the same language... But sometimes I feel that he feels that he needs a break, and if his jealous heart would allow him to let me go and go without me, he would.... Trust me, talking about all of these issues with him WILL NOT solve ANYTHING..... (Read other posts for more info) 1.Should I just tell him I cannot go? 2.DOES abscence make the heart grow fonder? 3.OR is it a case of out of sight, out of mind... Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 Some random thoughts for you, random tears. - Are you far from Spain? Could you get back easily if things turned sour? - Why hasn't he seen his family in 4 years? This would be a huge red flag to me. - Seeing his family would be a bonding experience and would help you understand him. - lots of Spanish people can manage reasonable English. They're also incredibly hospitable, especially since you will in a sense be family. - you definitely sound like you need a break from each other. And a chance to think. Where there's still a good core of love, absence makes the heart grow fonder. Link to post Share on other sites
Opium Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 The reasons for not going aren't as imprortant as his feelings and you needing to meet his parents. Yes, NEEDING to meet his parents. This is a big step in any relationship and you're going to miss out on the only oppourtunity you have because you're getting into a couple of arguments? I would seriously reconsider your reason for not going. I can understand if the money was a greater issue than you not wanting to go because it would be a good 'break'. In a relationship no matter how tough things get you never run from them. What if you were married? You can't compare being married to just being bf/gf but it's a comparison I'm giving you. Just as it bothers you that you don't speak their language and you can't communicate, don't you think it bothers them too. I think your being selfish in your ways and not thinking of your bf in this one. I understand it is difficult not to be able to speak or it might make you feel uncomfortable but this is the person you chose to be with. He wants you to share something special with him and you are trying to find reason not to go. You're making it seem as if you're breaking up. "OUT OF SIGHT, OUT OF MIND", not when you love someone especially someone who's wanting you to fly miles away to meet his family so he can show you off and show his family how in love he is and how good you are. Of course this is my opinion and you do what you like but if you ask me, I would go. Link to post Share on other sites
BigB Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 Please don't cross post. Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 Originally posted by BigB Please don't cross post. Exactly. Makes us all cross Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 but I am also concerned about being away from each other might just make him forget about me altogether and decide that he really doesnt want me after all..... Then better you find out sooner than later. Would you really want someone who could 'forget about you' in two short weeks? Link to post Share on other sites
Author random tears Posted June 29, 2005 Author Share Posted June 29, 2005 Sorry about that!!! Not real sure about all the rules, and needed to add a part and decided to do it, then I did it again in another area because I forgot which part I posted in..... Please accept my apologies Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 Originally posted by random tears Please accept my apologies That's fine! It's easy to make a mistake at the beginning. This is a good site though, and you'll find some pretty good advice flying around. Link to post Share on other sites
Author random tears Posted June 29, 2005 Author Share Posted June 29, 2005 Thanks for replies!! -No, I could not get back easily, esp because I dont know my way around -4 years because he was being legalized here first, and everything finally got straightened out -I have no doubt it could and would be a bonding experience....the family of his here considers me their daughter -It is true that most spanish persons can speak a little english---however---NONE of his family there does....I made sure, and plus I have talked to most of them on the phone Yes, this was my thoughts also, I really do not want someone that could forget about me so easily...and I am not sure if this is his type of personality....at times I am not so sure about him.... While I realize that this is the big step...meeting the parents.....I also know that the problems we have been having are in no way petty..... -Lying -getting family members to lie and cosign his behaviours -speaking to other women on the phone in spanish and walking out in a different area so I cant hear -and when I dont understand something, I ask and here is my answer: "no, you dont understand, I cant explain it" If I keep asking: "you are so nosy -Not affectionate, Have to practically BEG for a hug or kiss -withholding information -controlling -manipulating Basically using the fact that I cant speak spanish and dont have family to a definate advantage and getting away with plenty of stuff.... The major reason for our fighting is because he acts so suspicious and does strange things (like above) and more and when I confront, he gets defensive and immediately runs to his family and tells them EVERYTHING..... Stuff like this.... Opium, you are correct, this is an opportunity that I dont want to miss out on, and this is why I need advice from you and others... I realize I do sound selfish. I am just scared, i never had family and he keeps telling me how HUGE his is, I am a very shy (painfully so) person, have issues with hurt and familys and as a result dont trust people too much...added to that fact is I am not going to be able to communicate with anyone for 2 weeks... Also I will be spending alot of time with his mother because he wants her to tutor me 2 hours a day for spanish, and show me how to cook etc..... I WANT TO GO, i really really do!!!! But I am so torn over his and my hang ups....I dont want him to leave me alone with anyone there, and he said he wont, but I think he is only saying that because he knows I am sooo nervous.. He often is very selective with information, and only doles out information to me as if I were a small child, things he thinks I can handle..... I am torn between wanting to give him space, and wanting to go for the bonding and experience....... Women can always tell when we are getting to be too much for a man...they start using excuses to not come home right away, working late etc..... which I think is a distraction from me and our fights and from the impending visit...He is very keyed up, working out, (what is with that???) rearranging the suitcase, talking about it all the time... what to do.... Link to post Share on other sites
Opium Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 Stuff like this.... Opium, you are correct, this is an opportunity that I don't want to miss out on, and this is why I need advice from you and others... I realize I do sound selfish. I am just scared, i never had family and he keeps telling me how HUGE his is, I am a very shy (painfully so) person, have issues with hurt and familys and as a result don't trust people too much...added to that fact is I am not going to be able to communicate with anyone for 2 weeks... Also I will be spending alot of time with his mother because he wants her to tutor me 2 hours a day for Spanish, and show me how to cook etc..... I feel for you, don't get me wrong if you're feeling this way you need to discuss this with him and see what he says. Of course he wants you to go but do you think in 2 weeks you're going to learn a different language? Not even in a whole semester of college can you learn to speak a language fluently. I can understands your scared about the whole "family" thing and trust but remember it's not his fault your family is the way it is. You should be happy his family is treating you like one of their own, and you should consider yourself part of the family. Now, about your bf acting and hiding things from you thats not cool. He shouldn't use it to his 'advantage' to hide things from you or to do things behind your back. Why be with someone like that? This is hard, really hard and in the end it's up to you whether you feel YOU want to go. Don't let him MAKE you go if you don't want too. From the looks of it you do need a little space but that all depends on you. Will you have another opportunity to meet his family? You need to have a long talk with him, it's the only way you're going to make your decision, because in the end their your feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
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