Seeing a guy in an open marriage but I want more

[Zoe11374]

Hi everyone, I am 42 and and in the process of finalizing a divorce. I met a guy on a dating site. On our first couple of dates neither of us asked the other about our current situation. Eventually I realized he was married. He told me he was unhappy in his marriage, that his wife does not give him the sex and emotional connection he needs. They've been in counseling over and over and any changes are very short-lived. I told him I will no longer see him if he is not in the process of leaving his marriage. A few days later he told me he asked his wife for A separation and an open marriage. Well three months later he is still living with her however he told her about me. He comes to my house and stays the weekends pretty much every week. We have a lot of chemistry and I really like him.

 

Problem is, I asked him yesterday where he was with his marriage, was he planning on leaving? He told me he doesn't know, he is afraid to leave, he is afraid to be making the wrong decision. That his wife does have some great qualities and he's afraid that he'll learn that I don't have them, or he'll never find anybody else who does. He also feels a lot of guilt, his wife cries and begs and pleads every night for him to come back to her. He likes me very much but it worries him that he does not feel as connected to me as he feels he should be. The fact that he thought we were not very connected really surprised me, when he is with me he hugs me and kisses me as if there is a very deep connection.I told him that it's not possible for us to truly have a connection when he is still living with his wife and has some sort of emotional connection to her. He gets upset when I bring this up. I feel like he doesn't want to talk about it. Again, I really like him very much and I don't know what to do. I'm afraid of throwing away something that might be really good. I don't want to be strong along, but I don't want to push him either. Any advice?

[Gr8fuln2020]

He is where he wants to be...between two women...having his cake and eating it too. You are the one in the unfortunate position. You can't have what you do not have and he's made it clear that you are not important enough to change his current marital situation. What do you think you are going to do? Give him an ultimatum? You will lose. Leave him....you will lose him, but that frees your for what you really want/need.

[TunaCat]

I'll bet you a million bucks that he never actually TALKED to his wife after he met you. He simply told you what you wanna hear.

 

You need to decide if you're okay being a side chick because that is what you are. Not only has he not left his wife, but I'm positive they are still sleeping in the same bed, acting like a married couple.

 

He's happy with the way things are because he gets to have his cake & eat it too.

[dpass]

Why are you wasting your time on a married man who doesn't want to leave?

 

How do you know he has told his wife about you? Maybe they aren't separated at all and he's feeding her lies as well, like working out of town on weekend so he can see you.

 

Even if that's not the case... It's been at least 3 months and he doesn't feel connected to you. That's enough information.

[Zoe11374]

Thanks for the responses so far. I know he's telling the truth because I saw text messages between him and his wife when he wasn't looking.

[Dis]

I dont understand where your head is at

 

He has a wife who begs and pleads for him to stay but here you are contributing to his wife's misery???

 

Who's to say if you marry him down the line he wont do the same to you

 

He's stepping out of his marriage and you're encouraging it...you're absent minded to the fact that you could be in his wife's shoes one day...what woman would show such disregard to another woman???

 

Niether of you seem to have much respect for the next person

 

Pretty soon the disrepect both of you are showing to his wife....will become disrespect you show to each other

[longjohn]

He lied I'd leave. Don't tolerate lies or think he's ever leaving he's not. Good only know what lies her told her to cover up when he was seeing you. We can only hope she figures it out, leaves then takes all he owns in the divorce.

[leogirl876]

Do yourself a favor and dump this guy and then block him from your phone. He's married and he's not gonna leave his wife!!! Even if let's say he was, would you want to be their rebound? Someone needs to be divorced for a year minimum for them to start to be emotionally healthy. He's cheating on his wife with you and he'd cheat on you with someone else even if he did leave his wife. Dump this cheating loser!!!!

[bubbaganoosh]

All your doing is getting yourself in hot water. Seeing a married man no matter if he's in a open marriage or not is a recipe for disaster.

 

I think you should cool it with this guy and find someone unattached. Can be much safer

[startingagain15]

It's not an open marriage. His wife did not allow or encourage him to step outside of their marriage. She is begging and pleading for him to come back. And you are contributing to her pain and despair. You are old enough to know that this is not okay. Find a single man, leave this woman's husband alone.

[Dis]

It's not an open marriage. His wife did not allow or encourage him to step outside of their marriage. She is begging and pleading for him to come back. And you are contributing to her pain and despair. You are old enough to know that this is not okay. Find a single man, leave this woman's husband alone.

 

Yup my thoughts exactly. Well said

[BaileyB]

It's not an open marriage. His wife did not allow or encourage him to step outside of their marriage. She is begging and pleading for him to come back. And you are contributing to her pain and despair. You are old enough to know that this is not okay. Find a single man, leave this woman's husband alone.

 

This. He is a married man and... Not a good man. Any man who would cheat on his wife is not worth having. Why she wants him still is a mystery to me. What you are doing is wrong - there is no relationship there... What you have is not based on anything that will stand the test of time. Get out while you still can.

[ExpatInItaly]

This isn't an open marriage at all.

 

Sorry, but this guy is feeding you a load of crap. The wife may know about you but she clearly does not want him to be with someone else. And he clearly doesn't want to leave her completely either.

 

Can you really not see that you're being used, OP?

 

He doesn't feel an emotional connection with you. What does that tell you? This isn't about developing a relationship. It's about sex.

 

You need to find a guy who is actually available to be in a relationship, one who does not play two women at the same time.

 

And yes, he is playing you. If you think he isn't, you are being quite naive.

[Toodaloo]

It's not an open marriage. His wife did not allow or encourage him to step outside of their marriage. She is begging and pleading for him to come back. And you are contributing to her pain and despair. You are old enough to know that this is not okay. Find a single man, leave this woman's husband alone.

 

Can't put it better.

 

He is having an affair that his wife knows about. You are just a bit of crumpet he is shagging. THAT is why he doesn't feel a "connection" because to him you are just a piece of skirt, entertainment...

 

Ditch him and stay away from him. Take some time out to recover your dignity and self respect then find yourself a better man. They are not all douch bags like this. And I am afraid that no matter what you say to try and make it seem like the situation is OK... its not and he really is a douche.

[Lois_Griffin]

So let me get this straight.

 

Romeo was lying to his wife and putting himself out on a dating site, and lying to everyone on the dating site about being available when he really wasn't.

 

Check.

 

Then, when he reeled in a live one - you - he continued to LIE, letting you think he was single (or divorced, or whatever lie he told you).

 

Check.

 

You then went on several dates with him and claim, "we never discussed each other's current situations" as though that's an acceptable reason for Romeo choosing to CONTINUE his con-job on you over the course of several dates. "Golly, it just never came up." At least call a spade a spade and stop making excuses for his reprehensible behavior.

 

Then you say that you 'eventually realized he was married.' So right up until you caught the con-man in his lies, he was still lying to you.

 

What a catch.

 

And instead of respecting yourself and kicking this smarmy, lying scam-artist to the curb so hard his mother would feel it in Peoria, you chose to swallow your dignity instead and continue seeing him. Someone who had DISRESPECTED you since Day #1.

 

Just making sure I'm getting this straight.

 

And NOW, he claims he told his wife he wants a separation and that he's 'dating' you. I can only assume his wife is a shut-in with no financial support whatsoever and is stuck with him for life, because that's the ONLY way anyone would choose to stay with such a low life.

 

In either event, in true con-man fashion, it ALL boils down to what HE stands to gain from all this, doesn't it? Because it's ALWAYS been all about what he stands to gain. And he's got two very foolish women who are only too happy to pander to his every need and give him everything he wants.

 

So, my conclusion is that he's one of the following: A). wealthy beyond all measure and very generous with his millions; B). he looks like Brad Pitt and he's such a pretty boy that you're both willing to overlook what a low life he is; or C). he's just incredibly lucky to have found two foolish women willing to completely disrespect themselves and beg for his crumbs of affection. I would suppose if he tosses you enough crumbs, you can almost put them all together and pretend it's a 7-course meal.

 

You actually said, "I don't want to be strung along...." but you don't even realize that's ALL HE'S DONE since Day #1.

 

Where is your pride?

Edited July 19, 2016 by Lois_Griffin

[elaine567]

Go read some of the stories on the OW forum, he is a classic cake eater.

He is not getting "enough" from the relationship with his wife so he feels he needs the two of you to meet his requirements.

 

The connection that you have is probably more about sex then you would like to hear.

The fact he has two besotted women fawning over him and wanting him, can also be pretty empowering to some men.

[KatZee]

Not even touching on the fact that he's still married, he flat out told you:

 

1. Our emotional connection isn't as strong as it is with my wife

2. I'm scared i'll regret leaving my wife

3. I'm scared i'll find out you don't have the traits my wife has

 

End of the day, he believes his wife is better than you.

 

He's just in a long term marriage, bored, and needs some excitement. He's not going to leave her, sorry.

[elaine567]

He told me he was unhappy in his marriage, that his wife does not give him the sex and emotional connection he needs.

 

..it worries him that he does not feel as connected to me as he feels he should be. The fact that he thought we were not very connected really surprised me

 

So if you are not providing him with emotional connection then where does that leave you?

YOU are the provider of the sex.

 

At least he is not future faking you with promises of happy ever afters and ILYs, but it seems you are future faking yourself.

Stop it.

[Cablebandit]

what a rough start after a divorce. Unfortunately, everyone has told you the truth about this guy.

[elaine567]

what a rough start after a divorce.

 

People who are vulnerable and being newly divorced makes a person weak and vulnerable, often make easy prey for MM looking for "extra".

A strong, stable, confident woman would have told him to take a hike as soon as she had an inkling he was married.

The OP was no doubt looking for the love she missed after her divorce, so was ripe for the picking.

[Zoe11374]

Thank you all. I don't think he is cake eating because he said he is not having sex with his wife and moved into the guest bedroom. I know you'll say I shouldn't assume these the truth, but I don't want to assume it's a lie either.

 

I guess open marriage is not the correct term. It's more like a temporary "separation" he demanded of her. If he wanted to stay with his wife so badly why would he risk his marriage by telling her he's with someone else?

 

Also it is correct that I am vulnerable due to the void resulting to my divorce. ive met many single guys but it becomes apparent rather quickly why they are single. Or they have a brood of kids and I have none of my own, so don't want anyone else's either.

[loveisanaction]

Thank you all. I don't think he is cake eating because he said he is not having sex with his wife and moved into the guest bedroom. I know you'll say I shouldn't assume these the truth, but I don't want to assume it's a lie either.

 

I guess open marriage is not the correct term. It's more like a temporary "separation" he demanded of her. If he wanted to stay with his wife so badly why would he risk his marriage by telling her he's with someone else?

 

Also it is correct that I am vulnerable due to the void resulting to my divorce. ive met many single guys but it becomes apparent rather quickly why they are single. Or they have a brood of kids and I have none of my own, so don't want anyone else's either.

 

Gosh Zoe,!

 

Even if he has has moved into the guest bedroom of his matrimonial home and that his wife knows about you and that she no longer gives him sex.

 

The problem is, his wife doesn't want any of this; she wants her husband back, she wants her family back, she wants to work on her marriage. YOU are contributing to making sure that she doesn't have that. YOU are part of this woman's misery. YOU are assisting her husband in breaking up her matrimonial home.

 

Look at everything he has told you; he doesn't want to leave his wife because she does have some great qualities and he doesn't think he will find them in you or anyone else (Hear him say ANYONE ELSE-Interpretation; i'm still looking). Then he goes on to say that he doesn't feel as connected with you as he feels he should be (oh really! Even with all of the hugs and kisses?), then he says that he is afraid to leave his wife.

 

This man has pretty much told you that you're not the one baby doll. Yet you keep holding on.

 

Since you really believe everything this man has told you, what is there left for us to say? You've pretty much made up your mind that he's not caking-eating or stringing you on.

 

So....what did you want from us exactly?

[Lobe]

Thank you all. I don't think he is cake eating because he said he is not having sex with his wife and moved into the guest bedroom. I know you'll say I shouldn't assume these the truth, but I don't want to assume it's a lie either.

 

I guess open marriage is not the correct term. It's more like a temporary "separation" he demanded of her. If he wanted to stay with his wife so badly why would he risk his marriage by telling her he's with someone else?

 

Also it is correct that I am vulnerable due to the void resulting to my divorce. ive met many single guys but it becomes apparent rather quickly why they are single. Or they have a brood of kids and I have none of my own, so don't want anyone else's either.

 

The very definition of cake-eating is getting sex and emotional kibbles from the AP while keeping the BS at home holding down the fort. He is eating cake. Licking the icing off his fingers, slurping loudly, and rubbing his sticky greasy little hands in both his wife's and your face by playing the victim and making you both do the "pick me" dance for the satisfaction of his own twisted little ego.

 

I won't go into psychoanalyzing his wife's choices - we don't know enough about her situation to understand what keeps her there (finances? health? lies, threats, and manipulation? I vote lies, threats, and manipulation, but whatever...) He is not separated from her or in an open relationship with her - he has control over her somehow, the same way he has control over you. He didn't ask, he told her he was going to sleep with someone else and stay in the other bedroom until he sorts himself out. He knows she won't leave and he clearly knows he's risking nothing. She stays because she is already married to him and stands to lose everything.

 

YOU on the other hand - holy sh*tballs! What on earth are you thinking? You seem like a mature, intelligent person... and yet, when it comes to this man, you have lost your freakin' marbles. What the heck?

 

Generally speaking you're right - the reason men in that age bracket are single with no kids is because a) they don't want a relationship or kids and won't commit (gigolo) or b) because no one would put up with them long enough to have a relationship or kids (loser). What you need to find for yourself is a divorced man with or without grown children. Not a rebound relationship with a married man who was obviously creeping the dating scene before he "separated" from his wife. Not a 40-year old virgin with mommy issues. Not a gigolo who can't or won't keep a woman around once he sprays his seed around a bit. A grown-up man with the same kinda baggage you have.

 

My favourite piece of advice to give is always this: write a letter to your BFF, your sister, your fave cousin, or someone else you care deeply about on how you think they should handle this situation if it was them and not you, then take your own advice.

 

Good luck.

[elaine567]

Thank you all. I don't think he is cake eating because he said he is not having sex with his wife and moved into the guest bedroom. I know you'll say I shouldn't assume these the truth, but I don't want to assume it's a lie either.

 

I don't want to shatter your illusions but MM in guest rooms not having sex with their wives, is all part of the usual deception.

Pinch of salt.

[Lady Hamilton]

Thank you all. I don't think he is cake eating because he said he is not having sex with his wife and moved into the guest bedroom. I know you'll say I shouldn't assume these the truth, but I don't want to assume it's a lie either.

 

If it's true or not true doesn't matter.

 

He is letting you know he's uneasy about attaching to you because you don't have what his wife has. He could be sleeping with her, in the next room, or on another planet... Ultimately, he's flat out told you that he doesn't connect to you like he does his wife and he's afraid to lose her.

 

I'd also like to point out that he says he's not emotionally connected to her, so he seeks out you. Then ulitimately he tells you he's not connected to you like he is his wife, which was a surprise to you... This brings out one reality and one distinct possibility:

 

Reality - He wasn't as unconnected from his wife as he led you to believe.

 

Distinct possibility - That, like you, his wife was also unaware of their lack of connection.

 

I guess open marriage is not the correct term. It's more like a temporary "separation" he demanded of her. If he wanted to stay with his wife so badly why would he risk his marriage by telling her he's with someone else?

 

More appropriate question...

 

If he wanted to be with you so badly, why is he still living with her and telling you he's not seeing in you what he sees in her?

 

Dude is having a midlife crisis. He's dabbling in the Waters of Singlehood but you'll be able to track with an egg timer how fast he swims back to the Island of Matrimony.

 

When they look back on their marriage from their 25th anniversary, they will look at his time with you as a blip they made it through, nothing more.

 

Also it is correct that I am vulnerable due to the void resulting to my divorce. ive met many single guys but it becomes apparent rather quickly why they are single. Or they have a brood of kids and I have none of my own, so don't want anyone else's either.

 

You don't want kids because of the hassle... But this is ok...?