Seeing a guy in an open marriage but I want more

[Grapesofwrath]

Update- I put the breaks on this relationship. We then had s serious talk and he conveyed how serious he is about me and didn't want to lose me. He told his wife he wants a divorce, and she packed her stuff and left for 3 days. Then came back and is saying she wants to kill herself, that he's her entire world and without him she has nothing. He is totally torn apart by guilt but wants me to stay with him through this. I don't know what to say to him, because I don't want it to seem I'm pushing him to leave her even though he is doing that without my encouragement.

 

Zoe: I think the answer here is pretty clear. End the affair. There is no downside to this. If it turns out he is telling the truth and they divorce, he can seek you out and you can start a clean relationship based on honesty and transparency. Plus, you will have your self-respect.

 

If he is lying to you, then you have walked away from this damaging situation before you lose even more time. Based on his pattern thus far, it appears likely he is lying.

 

Separate point: If his wife is really threatening suicide, then he should be offering to help her find suitable counseling, regardless of the reality of his intention to divorce her. Is he doing that?

[ShatteredLady]

"He says he's having such a hard time breaking it off with her because he has compassion for her and hate to see her hurt and crying."

 

 

You say that you've been a bs. Were you already wanting a divorce? We're you blindsided & devastated or were you kind of relieved?

 

I've been a bs. I was in complete shock, shattered, broken. It's a horrific experience. I'm pleased for you that it wasn't such a big deal for you. I wouldn't wish the kind of pain that I experienced on anyone. You're complicit in torturing this innocent woman. YOU are guilty.

 

 

I've just read your whole thread. If he divorced his wife & came to me with the signed papers, professing eternal love for me, on blended knee with the most amazing ring I've ever seen I WOULD NOT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THIS MAN!!

 

If he calls this compassion he has no grasp of the English language!

 

PLEASE!! Picture his wife hysterical, crying at the door begging him not to leave the house to f**k another woman. He's a MONSTER!! How can any human being, who has any feelings, any empathy at all even imagine doing that to his wife? He doesn't hate her. He has this great connection, history, friendship, bond BUT he is still capable of looking down on her in pieces & STILL walk out the door!

 

What you see as somehow strong & compassionate is inhuman. DIVORCE. If you truly don't want to be married divorce.....I can't believe I'm about to say this...or have a secret affair!! I'm completely against adultery but it would be more human than what he's done to her!! How could anyone with a soul tell someone they have shared their life with to wait for them while they screw women off a dating site????

 

I feel physically sick picturing her. I guess that's the curse of empathy. Sometimes I wonder if it would be nice to be like you & your MM & have no concept of that words real meaning.

 

Have fun!! I actually hope that you get your man.

 

I'm usually understanding of most OW. Most of your words are nothing new but REALLY??!?!? 'Open Marriage' = Abuse & torture AND you are complicit.

[Grammie]

Zoey,

 

why can't you tell him to leave you alone for now...to go work on his marriage/separation and to come find you IF he ever gets divorced?

 

Why can't you do that? Why would you want to be a part of what he is doing to his wife? You know she is in pain...and you are allowing him to lean on you instead of him being a man, dealing with HIS marriage and HIS 'separation'?

 

I couldn't figure out from your thread how long you have been seeing a married man. I get the impression it is only a few months.

 

For your own sanity and mental health, back away from him until/if he gets divorced. Not separated but sharing a house. But truly divorced....stamped from a judge/court. Let his ACTIONS speak for him, not his words.

 

If it is "meant to be", it will be ---- after he is not legally married to someone else.

[Zoe11374]

The reason I am not breaking it off and waiting until he is divorced, is I feel that he will deal with the pain of losing me by running back to his wife for comfort and emotional safety. Then in a few months he will be probably back on a dating site again realizing he is unhappy. I don't feel like I would be doing his wife any favors by leaving him. Also, technically I am still married since my divorce hasn't been finalized yet. I have done all the filing but I am still legally married.

 

However I am going to be asking him this weekend where things stand. If he hasn't made real plans to separate from her then I will need to separate from him. This just isn't healthy for me

[Lois_Griffin]

You seem to cherry pick the posts you can answer and ignore the ones that call out the painfully obvious TRUTH about this lying opportunist.

 

As has been said many times, the liar CONNED you from Day #1. And instead of kicking him to the curb where lying low lives like this deserve to be kicked, you reward him with love and loyalty and constant worship like he's some kind of demi-god.

 

Why on EARTH you'd put any trust into someone whose clearly shown you he has no character or integrity at ALL and couldn't even show you a SHRED of respect from Day #1 is beyond me.

 

I guarantee you that one day in the future, you're going to look back at this slow motion train wreck and you're going to cringe at how willing you were to lose every last shred of your dignity in order to cling to this lying con man.

 

That's a promise.

[SoulCat]

I don't feel like I would be doing his wife any favors by leaving him.

 

 

Wait...what???

 

 

I would not really call it a favour, but it would sure help if you removed yourself from their marriage. You know, since you - as a third party - have no business being there in the first place.

 

Whether or not he may get bored again some weeks or months down the line is by the by. His marital issues are not yours to deal with. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

 

 

As it stands, you are helping to destroy this woman's life.

And all his excuses aside, the fact that he was on a dating site before this whole 'open marriage/separation' nonsense indicates that you are not his first rodeo.

 

 

You can bet good money you'll not be his last either.

[stillafool]

Hey now. It's not about age but wisdom, and that comes from experience.

 

Yes age can bring wisdom but wisdom is also the knowledge of what is proper or reasonable; good sense and judgment which is suppose to come with age. OP is definitely of age and should know this.

[eye of the storm]

The reason I am not breaking it off and waiting until he is divorced, is I feel that he will deal with the pain of losing me by running back to his wife for comfort and emotional safety. Then in a few months he will be probably back on a dating site again realizing he is unhappy. I don't feel like I would be doing his wife any favors by leaving him. Also, technically I am still married since my divorce hasn't been finalized yet. I have done all the filing but I am still legally married.

 

However I am going to be asking him this weekend where things stand. If he hasn't made real plans to separate from her then I will need to separate from him. This just isn't healthy for me

 

If he is so weak willed that you telling him, "deal with this and call me if/when you are single" will cause him to run back to his wife. Then aren't you dodging a bullet? And since when is his happiness your responsibility.

 

From experience, dating single guys while you are hung up on a MM (or any past relationship) sucks because you can't see them with clear eyes. You just keep comparing them to the fantasy you built up around your AP.

 

And your A is a fantasy. You don't have to pay bills with him, you don't have to negotiate holidays with his family and yours, you don't have to argue about who does the dishes with him. In other words, he is a fantasy that allows you to escape from your reality. Spend some time working on your reality and you won't need the fantasy as much. Spend some time figuring out why you are so willing to take scraps. Work on you.

 

If he is so weak he can't deal with his life, you don't need him screwing up yours.

[Zoe11374]

Shame on you. You seem like a dispicable woman making selfish excuses to contribute to the breaking up of a marriage which can still be salvaged all because your own is broken. A marriage is between 2 people NOT 3.

People need to stop blaming the wayward spouses because yes it takes two to make an affair BUT adults who are pursued by a married man or woman should have the good conscience and morals to know better and tell the cheating spouse to piss off instead of proceeding. They are MARRIED that should automatically be OFF LIMITS.

 

 

 

First of all, I am not contributing to a break up of a marriage. What MM decides to do and what his wife decide to do are their choices, their business. I'm not making anyone do anything, nor am I involved in their marriage. Yes they are married, but so am I, my divorce paperwork is not finalized. I started dating as soon as my ex-husband and I physically separated.

 

They've had plenty of opportunities to fix things in the seven years they have been married. If he really wanted to fix his marriage he would not be on dating sites, and if she wanted to fix the marriage she also would have done so. They are responsible for their own choices, and I am as well. When my ex-husband cheated on me, never once did I blame the OW. I made him cut all ties with her and he dis so. If he refused, I would not be desperately clinging and begging him to stay with me, like MMs wife is doing. She chooses to remain there living in this misery when she has the option to walk out and leave if he is so awful. There are no kids to worry about. If he wanted to work things out with her he would be doing so instead of spending all his time with me.

Edited September 5, 2016 by Zoe11374

[Zoe11374]

If he is so weak willed that you telling him, "deal with this and call me if/when you are single" will cause him to run back to his wife. Then aren't you dodging a bullet? And since when is his happiness your responsibility.

 

From experience, dating single guys while you are hung up on a MM (or any past relationship) sucks because you can't see them with clear eyes. You just keep comparing them to the fantasy you built up around your AP.

 

And your A is a fantasy. You don't have to pay bills with him, you don't have to negotiate holidays with his family and yours, you don't have to argue about who does the dishes with him. In other words, he is a fantasy that allows you to escape from your reality. Spend some time working on your reality and you won't need the fantasy as much. Spend some time figuring out why you are so willing to take scraps. Work on you.

 

If he is so weak he can't deal with his life, you don't need him screwing up yours.

I have thought about this, that I would be dodging a bullet. I guess I am viewing his weakness as sensitivity, which is stupid, I know. When my husband left me, he was stoned faced and without emotion and I hated that.

 

All of the single guys I've been dating are either forever bachelor types, or they are divorced because their wife didn't want them anymore. And I think to myself, if she didn't want him, why should I? Good quality men do not get kicked to the curb by their wives. Maybe I am wrong about that, but that is what keeps coming to mind

[CarrieT]

Good quality men do not get kicked to the curb by their wives. Maybe I am wrong about that, but that is what keeps coming to mind

Yes, I think you are wrong about that.

 

Good PEOPLE get kicked to the curb all the time.

 

Weren't you - in a way - kicked to the curb by your husband?

 

I still believe you are delusional about this guy.

[Zoe11374]

Yes, I think you are wrong about that.

 

Good PEOPLE get kicked to the curb all the time.

 

Weren't you - in a way - kicked to the curb by your husband?

 

I still believe you are delusional about this guy.

 

My husband kicked me to the curb but quite honestly I deserved it. He got tired of being rejected by me and basically left, because I didn't have the balls to leave. Maybe that's why I empathize with MM. But yes, I may be delusional. If I end this, I don't want it to be based on an assumption that he is lying, or some sense of obligation to help his wife keep a bad marriage together.

[ShatteredLady]

Gently. You seem convinced that he is a good man of character who has been forced into being a serial cheat who even cheats online against his mistresses.

 

Sometimes when we feel 'guilty' or bad we project our reasoning onto others that we see as similarly 'guilty'.

 

You are not a married lady. You're waiting for the paperwork to catch-up with reality. That's different.

[stillafool]

If he refused, I would not be desperately clinging and begging him to stay with me, like MMs wife is doing. She chooses to remain there living in this misery when she has the option to walk out and leave if he is so awful. There are no kids to worry about. If he wanted to work things out with her he would be doing so instead of spending all his time with me.

 

Have you actually been there when he wife is clinging and begging him to stay? It's probably the other way around or is she also holding a gun to his head. Just because she would want him to stay doesn't mean he has to. It would seem that his extreme love for you would move him out.

[aileD]

So....if you leave him it will force him back to his wife for comfort. Then he will be back on dating sites....presumably to find someone else (that isn't you or wife).

 

So let's say you "win". He divorces and you end up together.

 

So what happens when he's unhappy with you? Dating sites again?

 

You already have established that he's weak, has no balls to leave when he's unhappy, and continues to not choose you.

 

Yeah, hold up. I know you're thinking "he IS choosing me, he spends all his time with me".

 

He's not choosing you. He's using you. You're allowing him to use you while staying at home with the wife and all his comforts.

 

You're the chick on the side. You're the one that will be expendable when push comes to shove.

 

How do I know this? Because he'd already be gone and divorced if you weren't.

 

Words are nothing. You're being played and you think that you are being all strong and high and mighty about it....but you're just being played.

 

Find someone who is free and will commit to you. You deserve better

[Cloudcuckoo]

Frankly, I imagine he's like most married men....

 

Full of s**t.....

 

A prize indeed.....

[Zoe11374]

He hasn't left because he's torn apart by guilt. Also he knows what he has with his wife, and I am a risk. I guess he feels he can take all the time he needs to sort this all out because neither me nor his wife are putting our foot down.

[aileD]

He hasn't left because he's torn apart by guilt. Also he knows what he has with his wife, and I am a risk.

 

Why isn't this ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW TO WALK AWAY?

 

None of the other crap matters. He can't leave because of guilt, and if he does leave then you become a resentment for the guilt.

 

He's not going to leave. Guilt is a powerful force.

 

Not your problem. Move on. Have him call you if he ever gets divorced

[stillafool]

He isn't staying married out of guilt, he's too selfish for that. If he felt guilt he would not be screwing around with OP. He is staying because that's where he wants to be.

[Zoe11374]

I broke things off with him. I told him he needs to sort out his stuff without me and you can find me again when he is Divorced. He's been called me today and told me he told her The marriage is over. She has been hysterical, and threatening suicide and taking sleeping pills. She refuses to see a therapist, only want him to stay with her. I want to help him help her. This has nothing to do with my personal gain I would try to help anyone in the situation At least to try to guide them appropriately. How do you get someone into therapy if they don't go?

[SoleMate]

I want to help him help her.

Terrible idea, but if you insist, just visit the two of them together and explain to the BW that you've been having an A with her husband and due to insight thus gained, are there to help her with her many personal issues or at least give her some guidance.

 

And if you're not willing to do the above, then just be aware that your plan makes no sense, and go NC.