Hello [I want to move abroad for about six months]

[Alora]

I have been with my partner for 3 years and we are both in our late 50s with grown up children. My partner says he loves me very much and loves being with me.

 

I want to move abroad for about six months and I am learning the language and taking a training course for employment.

 

My partner and me did talk about moving abroad about two years ago and when I brought the subject up my partner was quite negative. I thought it was because he is very close to his children and grandson and could not face leaving them. He sees his grandson every week and his two adult children every week.

 

My partner works very long hours and still has a mortgage on his property which he says will be paid off when he retires in two years time.

 

We see each other most evenings but don't live together for various reasons.

 

My children are off hand and I am financially secure and intend to rent my house.

 

I mentioned again about moving abroad recently but my partner says that he limited savings, still has a large mortgage and is still paying his daughter's rent every month. He didn't seem that keen. I suggested that I could move abroad for a few months and see what its like and him follow me or travel backwards and forwards but that was met with silence. He said that his was not in good condition enough to rent out and that he hasn't the time to do it up. I asked if it was about his family and he didn't answer me

 

I dropped the subject because he was not answering me.

 

I still want to move abroad whilst I am young enough to do so and I don't have many friends or family around, other than my partner. I do get very lonely. My partner is aware of this.

 

Should I still continue with my plans without him or wait a while and hope things change?

[Cablebandit]

On of the problems ex-pats face is loneliness in another country. Consider that as it comes up a lot on Ex-pat forums.

 

You do you....time waits for nobody.

Edited July 19, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact full quote of topic

[Alora]

Hello Candlebandit

 

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

 

I think you are absolutely spot on with the loneliness issue abroad and I am thinking very hard about that one. I am learning the language and training towards employment. I am also joining people on facebook and stuff like that. I am intending to join lots of dance clubs as I am a dancer. But you are right it is a risk but I am lonely here so what does it matter?

 

I think people that when people do not try to involve themselves with culture, language and customs then loneliness can strike.

 

Do you think I am making a mistake?...please be honest.

 

I love my partner but I just can't stand watching my life passing me by.

[rick2016]

Because time goes by so quickly , and someday you may be sitting in a seniors home regretting the opportunity you had to live in another country and learn there culture, i think you would be making a mistake by not trying this venture.

 

Nobody says you cannot come back, if its not what you thought it was going to be..

[Cephalopod]

I say thank him for the good three years of companionship and tell him goodbye. Break up with him.

 

Breakups happen for many reasons and they are always sad. But you will be confronted with opportunities to meet new men when you are in the new country, so stringing your partner along would be cruel if you plan on having relationships there. But you know that.

 

Life brings new opportunities into our lives, and I think you would never forgive yourself if you do not take this one. Your partner is settled in his life and does not want to move. That doesn't make him stubborn, nor does it mean he does not love you. But you are moving on and he is not willing to move with you.

 

So, time to end it with him and go seek your dreams.

[Mr. Lucky]

I say thank him for the good three years of companionship and tell him goodbye. Break up with him.

 

Don't see why your relationship can't survive a 6-month break? He could travel there once in that time, you really wouldn't be apart that long. Win, win...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Cablebandit]

Hello Candlebandit

 

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

 

I think you are absolutely spot on with the loneliness issue abroad and I am thinking very hard about that one. I am learning the language and training towards employment. I am also joining people on facebook and stuff like that. I am intending to join lots of dance clubs as I am a dancer. But you are right it is a risk but I am lonely here so what does it matter?

 

I think people that when people do not try to involve themselves with culture, language and customs then loneliness can strike.

 

Do you think I am making a mistake?...please be honest.

 

I love my partner but I just can't stand watching my life passing me by.

 

I think you'd make a mistake by NOT going. You might be lonely for a bit but you don't sound like the type to sit around and wait for happiness to knock on your door. You sound like the type that makes her own happiness.

 

Where are you moving to? We are hoping to retire to Siena Italy in 18 years.

[Cephalopod]

Don't see why your relationship can't survive a 6-month break? He could travel there once in that time, you really wouldn't be apart that long. Win, win...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

He's giving her every excuse as to why he cannot go and be with her. That tells me he is indeed either way too busy and tied up to have a LDR with her, or he is not as much into the relationship as she is. That's my take anyways.

[Alora]

Cephalopod I am sorry but I felt a little hurt by your implication that I was going abroad to look for another relationship. I don't think my post gave any hint of that. I love my partner and would estactic if he could join me in Spain. Even just for a holiday until he retires.

 

The issue I a battling with is leaving him behind for 6 months or so. We are at different points in our lives and if I had a grandchild then I would be in the same position as my partner.

 

My partner has not been lucky with his divorce and his wife took him for everything he had hence the huge mortgage. He adores his kids I understand only too well how difficult it is for him to leave his family and a demanding job to just leave and go abroad.

 

I have had a bad divorce and bought up my three children single handed when my ex left me when they were tiny. But I worked studied and became a lawyer and a successful one at that, this means I am financially secure and my kids have flown the nest.

 

It is a hard decision to leave someone you love but it's something I have wanted to do for a while. He Probably won't come with me and maybe we'll split up or he will pop back and from the uk to Spain until he retires who knows? It's just something I want to do. I am certainly not looking for another man! I want to learn Spanish teach Pilates and English as a foreign language.

 

I want to explore Spain learn the flamenco and loads more.

 

I just end needed help making the decision

[Cephalopod]

Cephalopod I am sorry but I felt a little hurt by your implication that I was going abroad to look for another relationship. I don't think my post gave any hint of that. I love my partner and would estactic if he could join me in Spain. Even just for a holiday until he retires.

 

The issue I a battling with is leaving him behind for 6 months or so. We are at different points in our lives and if I had a grandchild then I would be in the same position as my partner.

 

My partner has not been lucky with his divorce and his wife took him for everything he had hence the huge mortgage. He adores his kids I understand only too well how difficult it is for him to leave his family and a demanding job to just leave and go abroad.

 

I have had a bad divorce and bought up my three children single handed when my ex left me when they were tiny. But I worked studied and became a lawyer and a successful one at that, this means I am financially secure and my kids have flown the nest.

 

It is a hard decision to leave someone you love but it's something I have wanted to do for a while. He Probably won't come with me and maybe we'll split up or he will pop back and from the uk to Spain until he retires who knows? It's just something I want to do. I am certainly not looking for another man! I want to learn Spanish teach Pilates and English as a foreign language.

 

I want to explore Spain learn the flamenco and loads more.

 

I just end needed help making the decision

 

Actually, i'm an idiot who should have read more closely. For some reason I thought this was a permanent move.

 

Disregard what I said.

 

If it is for only six months, well hell...what do you think they invented Skype and Face-time for? If you guys do not have these loaded up on your computers and phones then do so. My daughter went away for the summer this year and she and I Skyped every night. It was great because we got to see each other, not just hear each others voices. She said it helped her miss me a lot less.

 

You and your BF should be able to handle six months apart. He will be ready to ravish you when you get back. That is something to look forwards to.

 

Again I apologize for my misunderstanding.

[mrs rubble]

Go and have fun while you can. I'm sure you'll regret it if you don't and perhaps even harbour some resentment towards your partner for "holding you back". You can always come home early if it's too lonely.

[Lois_Griffin]

I wouldn't leave my life as I know it and everyone I love and all my financial and legal obligations to move to Spain for 6 months to learn the Flamenco.

 

That's just not a passion for him and I completely get it. When it was a fantasy he probably felt he wanted to do it but now that it's reality, he's realizing it's not feasible and it's not something he's passionate about.

 

You are. So do it.

[John82]

Hi Alora

 

Your posts struck a chord with me as I faced a somewhat similar situation in my fifties when I was presented with an enticing opportunity that unfortunately would require me to live apart from my family.

 

Prior to accepting this position, my career had come to a standstill. Quite frankly, I was putting in time to improve my financial position before I retired. Notwithstanding, I was still productive in my work achieving notable results and outwards positive and cheerful. But inwards, I was getting increasing frustrated, with bitterness starting to ebb in. Then unexpectedly, I was offered a rather unique position, doing important work, in another city. Due to the distance of this city from my home and the nature of my employment there, I might as well been in another country (lol).

 

Moving my family was not an option. I talked it over with my wife, who was initially not too thrilled for me being away from home for three years. But I explained why I wanted to accept this offer, that this was my last “hurrah” before retirement, a last chance to punch above my weight so to speak and perhaps accomplish something of significance. My wife graciously agreed. In the end, I stayed for five years.

 

Without going into detail, my family took full advantage of what the city had to offer throughout my stay. In addition, my job had a social aspect in which I fully engaged. Many formed friendships are still ongoing. Overarching, the work I did in this city was a highlight of my career. It is very satisfying knowing you have made a lasting difference and being remembered/appreciated by those for worked with/for me to this day.

 

I cannot advise you what to do. All I will say, for me, I looked deep into myself and knew, if possible, I wanted/I needed to do this. This was a life enhancing experience for me which stills resonates to this day. I believe if you look inward, you will find your answer.

[lucy_in_disguise]

It's just six months. Your partner is being a baby by giving you the silent treatment and refusing to discuss it. You should go.

[Gr8fuln2020]

"I think people that when people do not try to involve themselves with culture, language and customs then loneliness can strike."

 

I have lived abroad for many years in a number of countries. The primary reason why ex-pats feel a sense of loneliness is b/c their smug attitudes towards the local, prevailing customs, culture, people. As an American, I often found it embarrassing to be around other ex-pats. I have found MOST of them have this aura of superiority about them and they make little to NO effort to learn about the language, customs, etc. It is amazing how cozy and insulated so many of them make themselves. The key is to do exactly what you are planning to do. Get out there and develop the tools you need to immerse yourself and interact with the people....you will not regret it. The local population will appreciate and welcome you for it.

 

As per your partner...I can understand HIS trepidation. He isn't in the same zone as you are regarding finances, travel, etc. I wonder if he'd be one of those smug ex-pats I mentioned earlier. Just speculating, of course.

 

This is your time, your opportunity and you may not have another again. When do you think your partner will get his act together so that you can travel as you would like? Next month? Next year? In 5 years? Since he doesn't talk to you about this, there is no way of knowing.

 

You are alone where you are now. If you go overseas, get involved as you plan. You may very well find someone of interest there.

 

In the end, I think that you and your partner are in different places in your lives. Re-iterate your position regarding visiting or waiting. Put it in action if he is open to it and see how he responds over some time. Depending on the response, you may have to decide to simply move on...

[Mr. Lucky]

 

I just end needed help making the decision

 

My wife moved to Asia for a year to help a friend start a business, taking our middle-school aged son with her. While I missed them (but visited often!), they both to this day say it was some of the best experiences of their lives. How many chances do you get to walk the Great Wall, stand in the middle of a Tokyo rush hour or see the sunset over Hong Kong harbor?

 

Six months is nothing compared to the lifetime of regret you'll have if you don't go. Let him make his own decision but don't let it govern yours...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Alora]

Hello

As you gather I am a Brit and just wanted to a big thank to you all who spared the time to help me in my decision. I have made my mind up to go ahead you all said what I wanted to hear.

 

I suspect my partner does not believe I'll go through with it. To be honest he shows little interest in what I am planning to do anyway. It told I am Taking Spanish lessons he has not asked me where or when. I told him I am going to train as a Pilates teacher and all he would say is that there is lots of old people in Cyprus and Spain that like that. He listens to me but does not answer - it's weird. I know he listens but does not acknowledge. Sometimes it's like talking to a wall....think Shirley Valentine!

I was going to ask you guys some advice please. He says he loves me totally but he is very distracted with his job and family. I know he would anything for me but I think after 3 years he does take me for granted. I don't see his family because he prefers to see them in his own and he works from home. There is a big chunk of his life that I don't know much about. We spend evenings and nights together but he gets up at 6 for work and does a 12 hour day.

I beginning to think cepholapods observation is correct maybe he is not as committed now that he has his family back? He was estranged for a few years when I first knew him but his kids forgave him. I am probably a small part of his life now and option? I know he is divorced and he does live on his own. We have talked about living together but he set some rules where his grandson was concerned which I did not agree to - he was going to move in with me and rent his house out - the subject was dropped.

That's the problem we can never discuss anything because he will try and dominate me verbally and when I have stood up to him he has flounced out slamming the door. Now I never say anything I just want a quiet life.

 

Maybe you all are right perhaps we are at different points but does he really love me as he says he does? If he did wouldn't he even try to talk about how we are going to make this work? He chooses his family commitments they are all grown up now! He could sell his house and Get a smaller one to be with me?

Does this man really love me or am I just a fill in when he is not at work or seeing his family? Because if you think that he doesn't really care then I have made the decision anyway

 

What do you think?

[CarrieT]

I have a feeling that living abroad will give you the space away from him to realize you are better off without him.

 

The whole thing about not being a part of his life with his family is key; why do you want a relationship with someone when you aren't fully a part of his life?

 

And being away, you will gain strength in yourself and learn how much stronger you are on your own. Happier, even....

[Cephalopod]

I think your BF has gotten to a place in his life where he is comfortable in his routine. He sounds like a good family man who is devoted to his kids. But he sounds like a workaholic and a bit unmovable.

 

We can't tell you whether he really loves you or not, but what I can say is that you have been given a grand opportunity. I agree with Carrie: go on the trip and in a couple of months I too think you will gain some clarity on your feelings towards him.

 

It sounds to me like the shine has worn off the penny between you two, and it is time to be focusing on yourself rather than a romantic relationship.