ABC's The Bachelor and the psychology of being an OW

[heartwhole]

WH and I were watching the Bachelorette last night. We've missed the whole season, and most of the Bachelors and Bachelorettes from the last few years, but the story is always the same. Nearly every single contestant "feels a connection" and "sees a future" with the Bachelor/ette, and by the time the contestants are whittled down to half a dozen, they're all "in love" with the Bachelor/ette. Maybe each season one or two contestants will admit to there being no chemistry and ask to go home, but it's rare. Maybe every few seasons someone will be there "for the wrong reasons" and make it clear they're just pretending to like the star, but the vast majority of "contestants" genuinely believe they're into the random person selected to be the star of the show.

 

It's always confused me how my husband's OW could be so "in love" so fast with so little real life interaction with him. (The back story is that they met in our country for one weekend through mutual friends, kept in touch, she confessed her love, and then they spent less than 48 hours together having a PA. But by one month of knowing him, she was confessing her eternal love and her desire to move to our country and get married.) It also always confused me why WH didn't question her judgment -- yes dear, of course you are wonderful, but how could she possibly know you well enough to make all these important, life-altering decisions?

 

I imagine that contestants on the Bachelor subconsciously just want to WIN. They want to be the one with the choice to say yes or no, but in order to have that choice, they need to be the last one standing. Same with affairs. Their interactions are intense, all taking place in these contrived situations. Same with affairs. They know the man is dating 24 other woman, or married, but they compartmentalize or wish that away.

 

But where the comparisons end is that the Bachelor/ette must actually keep ending extraneous relationships until left with only one winner. The average MM is not intending to end either relationship, and when forced to, usually does not choose the OW. So probably one's odds are better on the Bachelor than in your run of the mill affair.

[Redhead14]

WH and I were watching the Bachelorette last night. We've missed the whole season, and most of the Bachelors and Bachelorettes from the last few years, but the story is always the same. Nearly every single contestant "feels a connection" and "sees a future" with the Bachelor/ette, and by the time the contestants are whittled down to half a dozen, they're all "in love" with the Bachelor/ette. Maybe each season one or two contestants will admit to there being no chemistry and ask to go home, but it's rare. Maybe every few seasons someone will be there "for the wrong reasons" and make it clear they're just pretending to like the star, but the vast majority of "contestants" genuinely believe they're into the random person selected to be the star of the show.

 

It's always confused me how my husband's OW could be so "in love" so fast with so little real life interaction with him. (The back story is that they met in our country for one weekend through mutual friends, kept in touch, she confessed her love, and then they spent less than 48 hours together having a PA. But by one month of knowing him, she was confessing her eternal love and her desire to move to our country and get married.) It also always confused me why WH didn't question her judgment -- yes dear, of course you are wonderful, but how could she possibly know you well enough to make all these important, life-altering decisions?

 

I imagine that contestants on the Bachelor subconsciously just want to WIN. They want to be the one with the choice to say yes or no, but in order to have that choice, they need to be the last one standing. Same with affairs. Their interactions are intense, all taking place in these contrived situations. Same with affairs. They know the man is dating 24 other woman, or married, but they compartmentalize or wish that away.

 

But where the comparisons end is that the Bachelor/ette must actually keep ending extraneous relationships until left with only one winner. The average MM is not intending to end either relationship, and when forced to, usually does not choose the OW. So probably one's odds are better on the Bachelor than in your run of the mill affair.

 

The psychology behind being the OW is simply, selfishness, immediate gratification, short-sightedness for consequences and the future, dissatisfaction about their own life and self-image all manifesting themselves through egoism.

[Lady Hamilton]

Well, in my affair, we were friends for awhile and had a great connection, eventually progressed to EA and PA, then about a month, maybe two, certainly no more than three, we were very much in love. In love enough for him to try and leave his marriage and for me to realize my marriage was quite dead.

 

There are people who meet, connect, and fall in love quickly. Maybe that's your husband's OW? Maybe not. Maybe they had a connection that at least she thought was eternal... Though to be honest, with a relationship that exists in a private bubble with no hardships or daily stressors beyond the ones willingly accepted by being in the affair itself, it's not hard to form a fast attachment.

 

Or maybe there is a competition element. For some I'm sure there is.

 

Who's to say what category that OW fell into.

 

For years I was written off as a short-term fling, not really in love, in it to win it, selfish, shortsighted whatever whatever who only wanted to ruin a marriage so I could get what I wanted to boost my own ego. Obviously, that wasn't the case. It's just easier to paint an OW as a selfish, evil, morally deficient bad guy than it is to address the nuances that lead otherwise rational MM and their OW into an affair.

[heartwhole]

I do believe that people can fall in love quickly, and that compatibility and attraction should be evident from the get-go. Our best friends met when both were ready to settle down and were married within 7 months of meeting. Same thing with my parents.

 

My first reactions are usually logical -- emotions hit me later. So on DD here WH is describing these magical feelings he and OW have for each other, and I guess he thought I would be like, "Wow! Of course she loves wonderful you! How silly of me to stand in your way!" But I just said, "But I don't understand. Why would a single woman halfway across the world want to have a secret relationship with a married man?" And I could see the wheels in his brain turning, and he kind of sputtered out, "Well, she has low self-esteem." Bus, meet OW.

 

He also said, "This is insane. I don't even know her that well." Yeah, clearly. Because it's impossible to truly know someone when all you have are a few Skype sessions and a couple of days together. You can know that you want to know someone, but you can't really know them. He was super into her. He thought he loved her. He thought about leaving me. That's all true. I don't deny it. But all he had to do for their relationship was separate from me. She had to leave her whole life and move halfway across the world. You had better KNOW if you are planning to do that. So that's what I will never understand.

 

I'm an INTJ. We're the personality type that projects our choices the farthest into the future. I would never leap and just figure it will all sort itself out before I land. That's not me. Clearly other people think differently. Maybe I miss out on some things by being so careful, but I also observe all these broken people lying in a heap when nothing breaks their fall, and think, "Couldn't you have predicted it would come to this?"

[NTV]

Yeah, I never got this either. When my WW and I were dating it took a LONG time to even say those words.... so for my ww to use them a few weeks into her affair was... confusing to say the least.

 

 

So I took it as maybe somehow in the saying ILU every day, when we get off the phone, before leaving for work, etc. etc. that we sucked the meaning out of it. Like when curse words get used so often they no longer feel profane to say... so now I barely say it at all.

 

 

And if me and my ww don't work out, it will be a long time before I say it again with any real meaning to any woman.

[Larryville]

I imagine that contestants on the Bachelor subconsciously just want to WIN.

 

Yup just want to win and get attention...

 

Those shows specifically choose the most mentally unstable (yes hot) types for those shows for good TV ratings. We love to watch good train wrecks.

[elaine567]

So on DD here WH is describing these magical feelings he and OW have for each other, and I guess he thought I would be like, "Wow! Of course she loves wonderful you! How silly of me to stand in your way!" But I just said, "But I don't understand. Why would a single woman halfway across the world want to have a secret relationship with a married man?" And I could see the wheels in his brain turning, and he kind of sputtered out, "Well, she has low self-esteem." Bus, meet OW.

 

He also said, "This is insane. I don't even know her that well." Yeah, clearly. Because it's impossible to truly know someone when all you have are a few Skype sessions and a couple of days together. You can know that you want to know someone, but you can't really know them. He was super into her. He thought he loved her. He thought about leaving me. That's all true. I don't deny it. But all he had to do for their relationship was separate from me. She had to leave her whole life and move halfway across the world. You had better KNOW if you are planning to do that. So that's what I will never understand.

 

 

I guess what she had at home was not that great, or she was looking for an excuse to go somewhere, anywhere and your husband was her opportunity to up sticks and leave.

 

I think also that many people fantasize about an affair long before it happens and so are just waiting for someone. When that someone shows up, they are already half way in love with them, so it doesn't take a lot to get into full blown "love" territory.

[burnt]

pre-confession:

I have never watched *these* shows completely but have gathered from snippets in commercials that a bunch of people "sell" themselves as products to win a life partner--something beneath the level of prostitutes. At least prostitutes sell their bodies to make a living, but these people willingly sell their dignity to purchase a "lover".

 

I am not sure which is more repulsive: the fact that such people with such hollow notion of "love" exist on this planet or the fact that these shows actually have viewers who willingly choose to watch such distasteful circus and a mockery of "relationship" and "love". I think, there's more genuine human affection displayed in any third-class "porn" video than these reality shows.

 

Though I know you didn't mean to offend anyone, but with all due respect, I found the comparison of the people's mindset on "love" in these shows to the mindset of OWs' being in love with MMs to be very demeaning.

 

If you read any account on the OW/OM you may sense that most of the OW fall extremely deeply in love with their MMs and are unable to cope with or make sense of why and how they fall so deeply in love with another person even knowing fully that the relationship is unacceptable, unreal, and impossible. You may sense that most OW try very very hard to detach emotionally from their MMs but are unable to despite all efforts. You may sense that most OW carry the scar of being destroyed for many years.

 

These OWs don't sign up a contract to act "love scenes" in a TV show to get paid. These OWs find themselves in a ditch of their own making and regret deeply for life and don't realize what they have done to themselves until they have died on the inside completely.

[elaine567]

If you read any account on the OW/OM you may sense that most of the OW fall extremely deeply in love with their MMs and are unable to cope with or make sense of why and how they fall so deeply in love with another person even knowing fully that the relationship is unacceptable, unreal, and impossible. You may sense that most OW try very very hard to detach emotionally from their MMs but are unable to despite all efforts. You may sense that most OW carry the scar of being destroyed for many years.

 

These OWs don't sign up a contract to act "love scenes" in a TV show to get paid. These OWs find themselves in a ditch of their own making and regret deeply for life and don't realize what they have done to themselves until they have died on the inside completely.

 

I think many OWs are actually in a very vulnerable and weak state before they get involved with the MM. They meet this guy who is so obviously "marriage material" and they fall hook, line and sinker.

He strokes their ego, they are younger, fitter, more attractive, sexier than that "drudge" that is his wife.

He is bound to choose her and then when he doesn't... that is a huge punch to her guts.

She reels, he can't be serious, if she sticks around, he will definitely eventually choose her, she has far too much invested to give up now...

[burnt]

It's always confused me how my husband's OW could be so "in love" so fast with so little real life interaction with him. (The back story is that they met in our country for one weekend through mutual friends, kept in touch, she confessed her love, and then they spent less than 48 hours together having a PA. But by one month of knowing him, she was confessing her eternal love and her desire to move to our country and get married.) It also always confused me why WH didn't question her judgment -- yes dear, of course you are wonderful, but how could she possibly know you well enough to make all these important, life-altering decisions?

 

I don't know exactly what your WH's OW felt, but here's my thought:

 

It takes a single second to feel a spark with another person sometimes. It's not too impossible to imagine that she may have connected with him over the weekend. But more importantly here's the key:

 

They "kept in touch".

 

For a woman, as you know, emotions are formed first, then emotions lead to physical desire. By keeping in touch, by having conversations with him, she formed that emotional bond and desires first. By the time she actually had the physical affair, she was already deep in the affair emotionally and too blind to see anything else.

 

In my case, the entire thing: from confession of his love to me to physical intimacy, went from 'friends' to 'affair' in about a week. But the connection, the conversations, the unspoken communication was building up for over a period of two years. Until ours confessions, I didn't know that he was seducing me all along without being direct and he didn't know how I had felt about him all along either.

 

Most of our communications are actually not by words, but by gestures and non-verbal cues and body language.

 

The seed of an affair is not planted during the "sex" phase; it's during the "conversations", connections, and talking phase.

 

I am sorry if my words cause you pain, as I do realize that as the BS you endured unimaginable level of betrayal, rage, and pain yourself.

 

But as an xOW I can tell you that I was in love with my xMM in ways I simply cannot describe anymore now. I can tell you that I wasn't thinking about "compatibility", or "reality" or "getting to know him". All I can tell you is that what I felt for him was a level of wanting, caring, and desiring surpassing anything else I have ever experienced in life. It wasn't about sex, it wasn't about practicality, it was about connecting with another person at a level that impossible to fathom.

[heartwhole]

I guess what she had at home was not that great, or she was looking for an excuse to go somewhere, anywhere and your husband was her opportunity to up sticks and leave.

 

I think also that many people fantasize about an affair long before it happens and so are just waiting for someone. When that someone shows up, they are already half way in love with them, so it doesn't take a lot to get into full blown "love" territory.

 

I think you're right. She quit her job and went on a backpacking trip to "find herself" after DD. I think she thought happily ever after with WH would be her ticket out of there.

 

 

Burnt, I can't tell you what you will think watching the show, but it always seems like the "contestants" genuinely believe they love the star. Very few of them have the perspective to say, "Wow, you know what? If I met you in a bar, I don't think we'd hit it off." I mean, the other night a man was sobbing that the Bachelorette picked four other men instead of him. It wasn't even like he was in the "top two."

[Lady2163]

My ex boyfriend spent a couple years having lunch with this woman. Unbeknownst to me. He told her on a Wednesday or Thursday that he was going to start dating other people. She said how about me?

 

They went out Memorial Day weekend and were married July 4th. I think he broke up with me a couple of weeks before the wedding.

 

Or at least that was his story. It would have been nice to know we were dating other people. I didn't get that memo. I found out two days after the wedding. He broke up with me 16-17 days before his wedding?

 

So it can happen über fast if one or both parties is just open to it.

[BlueIris]

I think that the competition has a lot more to do with it than people admit. Competing changes your perspective all by itself, but add flirtation and sexual desire and you have a much stronger mix.

[katiegrl]

Don't ask how I know this... but that show is completely contrived and scripted.

 

DO NOT be fooled by any of it. Most of the contestants use that show (and other shows like it) to break into the business. It's their 15 minutes.

 

The men/women are given a script, and asked to follow.

 

There is a director directing telling them what to say, how to act, etc.

 

Remember Jake Pavelka? OMG the worst.

 

It is NOT a reality show... again do not be fooled by any of those so-called reality shows.

 

The only one I had any faith in was Survivor.

 

Despite all that, there have been a few couples who have gone the duration, but most of them break up after the requisite period of time has gone by after the show ends.

 

I don't watch anymore except for laughs, it's just so phony.

Edited July 19, 2016 by katiegrl

[Lady2163]

Don't ask how I know this... but that show is completely contrived and scripted.

 

DO NOT be fooled by any of it. Most of the contestants use that show (and other shows like it) to break into the business. It's their 15 minutes.

 

The men/women are given a script, and asked to follow.

 

There is a director directing telling them what to say, how to act, etc.

 

Remember Jake Pavelka? OMG the worst.

 

It is NOT a reality show... again do not be fooled by any of those so-called reality shows.

 

The only one I had any faith in was Survivor.

 

Despite all that, there have been a few couples who have gone the duration, but most of them break up after the requisite period of time has gone by after the show ends.

 

I don't watch anymore except for laughs, it's just so phony.

 

I quit watching Survivor years ago. I had tried to be a contestant numerous times. Never heard anything. Then I find out assistants are going bar hopping and talking to hot guys and girls to recruit them. It left a bitter taste in my mouth that real fans weren't being given the the time of day, but just because someone was young and hot, they were recruited.

[katiegrl]

I quit watching Survivor years ago. I had tried to be a contestant numerous times. Never heard anything. Then I find out assistants are going bar hopping and talking to hot guys and girls to recruit them. It left a bitter taste in my mouth that real fans weren't being given the the time of day, but just because someone was young and hot, they were recruited.

 

Hmmm.... but there have been many many older not so hot contestants on the show too...

 

Who recruited them?

 

Anyway, can't say about Survivor, but the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise is a joke.

 

But people still love it and watch.... and believe it all to be true ..... so it will carry on, making billions.

 

Whatevs.

[Lady2163]

Hmmm.... but there have been many many older not so hot contestants on the show too...

 

Who recruited them?

 

Anyway, can't say about Survivor, but the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise is a joke.

 

But people still love it and watch.... and believe it all to be true ..... so it will carry on, making billions.

 

Whatevs.

 

Somewhere around a Coach/Russell season there was an interview with one of the women and she made the comment that she and another female contestant were at a club and an associate producer asked them if they ever watched the show. They didn't. He gave them his card and encouraged them to try out. They did it as a lark, never expecting to get selected. That left a sour taste in my mouth. All these people taking the time and effort to make videos and this was how the picked.

[katiegrl]

Somewhere around a Coach/Russell season there was an interview with one of the women and she made the comment that she and another female contestant were at a club and an associate producer asked them if they ever watched the show. They didn't. He gave them his card and encouraged them to try out. They did it as a lark, never expecting to get selected. That left a sour taste in my mouth. All these people taking the time and effort to make videos and this was how the picked.

 

Oh I have no doubt *some* were recruited that way.

 

But not all .... many if not most were selected legit, via their videos, interviews.

 

It's a mix.

 

Just like the modeling industry..... many successful models were discovered randomly by recruiters....they had the right look.

 

But most had to go through normal process, submitting their portfolios... cold calls, interviews etc.

 

It is never easy and definitely not for the faint of heart.

 

The entertainment industry is one of the most cut throat and ruthless businesses out there.

[cocorico]

WH and I were watching the Bachelorette last night. We've missed the whole season, and most of the Bachelors and Bachelorettes from the last few years, but the story is always the same. Nearly every single contestant "feels a connection" and "sees a future" with the Bachelor/ette, and by the time the contestants are whittled down to half a dozen, they're all "in love" with the Bachelor/ette. Maybe each season one or two contestants will admit to there being no chemistry and ask to go home, but it's rare. Maybe every few seasons someone will be there "for the wrong reasons" and make it clear they're just pretending to like the star, but the vast majority of "contestants" genuinely believe they're into the random person selected to be the star of the show.

 

It's always confused me how my husband's OW could be so "in love" so fast with so little real life interaction with him. (The back story is that they met in our country for one weekend through mutual friends, kept in touch, she confessed her love, and then they spent less than 48 hours together having a PA. But by one month of knowing him, she was confessing her eternal love and her desire to move to our country and get married.) It also always confused me why WH didn't question her judgment -- yes dear, of course you are wonderful, but how could she possibly know you well enough to make all these important, life-altering decisions?

 

I imagine that contestants on the Bachelor subconsciously just want to WIN. They want to be the one with the choice to say yes or no, but in order to have that choice, they need to be the last one standing. Same with affairs. Their interactions are intense, all taking place in these contrived situations. Same with affairs. They know the man is dating 24 other woman, or married, but they compartmentalize or wish that away.

 

But where the comparisons end is that the Bachelor/ette must actually keep ending extraneous relationships until left with only one winner. The average MM is not intending to end either relationship, and when forced to, usually does not choose the OW. So probably one's odds are better on the Bachelor than in your run of the mill affair.

 

I'm not American, have never seen the show, so can't comment on that aspect, but from what you have described, it doesn't sound like my experience of an A at all!

 

We didn't have any instant falling in love. No instant "seeing a future" either. All that took us months, years even. The intensity developed over time, as with any relationship, and we spent years getting to know each other as lovers, friends, partners before we decided we wanted to be together full-time and that we had a "future together" - and it was at that point we made it happen. It's now more intense than ever, after many years of marriage.

 

Nor was it a competition - there was no vacancy either of us was applying or competing for. Just two people who decided, after due diligence, that we wanted to be together,mane here we are.

[Midwestmissy]

Lol not all ow's are younger and hotter and smarter. Some look like dirty pillowcases and in a 25 yr career have never made professional progress. I digress. The affair in my marriage wasn't based on any reality. There were no bills, custody arrangements, lawyers fees etc.that would have splashed cold water on their sexy time. Actually, the mow worked for my wh, so in fact, they would have had to double their work efforts and give it to me as an owner and alimony recipient. A lot of the power and money my wh told her he had belonged to me no matter how you sliced it after divorce. And them "working late" was putting money into my accounts, and I wasn't working, I was at home with my kids, but I own half of all of it. So she clearly wasn't thinking about reality. She was also pooping where she ate, so she lost her job, which as the breadwinner with 4 kids was pretty idiotic and short sighted for her family. And sad, with kids almost ready for college. Those kids' choices were impacted big time. None of these are surprises, to anyone looking at the big picture or most people over 25 with a brain, and at 50 she should have figured out where on the ladder she would fall financially/legally: Working for me to continue my lifestyle instead of her leading it. Pretty nonsensical. * let's be clear, the lifestyle my wh was very happy to lead her to believe I was leading. In reality, a pretty tight financial scene since we were growing businesses to sell down the road. The ship hadn't come in, nor was it on the horizon, but she didn't get that piece of 'reality' She thought I lunched at the club and shopped every day and wh encouraged that because it made him seem more desirable and powerful. Cartier, Tiffany, the four seasons - he led her to believe that's where I was spending his (what?!?!) money. And surprise! It made her super enthusiastic about getting him to leave me. Use your imagination.

 

In this case, it was about the win - but the prize kind of sucked once you cleared up the legals. She convinced herself she could replace me in my "cushy" life, unrealistically. And my moron spouse thought he could control the outcome of a fwb situation at work. Super big lies, super teeny to no consequences. The only reality in the whole thing was the fall out to a lot of people. Wh told me that he even convinv d himself she didn't have 4 boys and a husband at home. If he didn't think about the facts, they couldn't bug him. if he thought they were each behaving like terrible parents let alone spouses, the little fizzy butterfly feeling might go away and make him sadz. So wipe those negative realities away, they're a bummer! They used each other and lied to themselves.

 

Those reality shows are fraught with drama and hysterics but no honesty, integrity and authenticity. Those are the traits that make life a joy, and which keep hysterics and unnecessary drama to a minimum.

[ChickiePops]

Somewhere around a Coach/Russell season there was an interview with one of the women and she made the comment that she and another female contestant were at a club and an associate producer asked them if they ever watched the show. They didn't. He gave them his card and encouraged them to try out. They did it as a lark, never expecting to get selected. That left a sour taste in my mouth. All these people taking the time and effort to make videos and this was how the picked.

 

I happen to work in reality television (I've never worked on Survivor but I have many friends who have and one in particular who was the lead casting director for several seasons) and while this, of course, occurs sometimes, it's not how a typical casting department works.

 

Casting gets hundreds of thousands of applicants per season. If you weren't chosen, it was either because your application wasn't at the top of the enormous pile that they received or because it wasn't exactly what they were looking for that particular season. I've bought plenty of lottery tickets in my life but I've never won. Same concept.

 

I fully admit that The Bachelor/Bachelorette actually IS very scripted. Not all reality shows are (the one I work on isn't..it would make my life a hell of a lot easier if it was, believe me), but those two are.

 

But for those cynics who think that ALL reality TV is extremely scripted..you are dead wrong. The truth of the matter is that the field production team does plan shoot days but they plan around the casts schedules, and then the actual story of the season comes together in post production, and it's based on us watching down all the raw footage and spending hours upon hours piecing stories together out of a jumbled mess.

 

I don't like it when people make assumptions about my industry. I am highly educated, I work my tail off, and the show I work on gets fantastic ratings. It may be what some consider 'low brow' entertainment but that doesn't mean it's nothing. I get to be creative every single day. I'm proud of what I do and I love my job.

[NewLeaf512]

I happen to work in reality television (I've never worked on Survivor but I have many friends who have and one in particular who was the lead casting director for several seasons) and while this, of course, occurs sometimes, it's not how a typical casting department works.

 

Casting gets hundreds of thousands of applicants per season. If you weren't chosen, it was either because your application wasn't at the top of the enormous pile that they received or because it wasn't exactly what they were looking for that particular season. I've bought plenty of lottery tickets in my life but I've never won. Same concept.

 

I fully admit that The Bachelor/Bachelorette actually IS very scripted. Not all reality shows are (the one I work on isn't..it would make my life a hell of a lot easier if it was, believe me), but those two are.

 

But for those cynics who think that ALL reality TV is extremely scripted..you are dead wrong. The truth of the matter is that the field production team does plan shoot days but they plan around the casts schedules, and then the actual story of the season comes together in post production, and it's based on us watching down all the raw footage and spending hours upon hours piecing stories together out of a jumbled mess.

 

I don't like it when people make assumptions about my industry. I am highly educated, I work my tail off, and the show I work on gets fantastic ratings. It may be what some consider 'low brow' entertainment but that doesn't mean it's nothing. I get to be creative every single day. I'm proud of what I do and I love my job.

 

And well done you darling. You love your job and it's also your passion. There are loads of us out there, and I include myself in this, that consume the entertainment that folks like you create. I don't pretend to know anything about what you do, but in this scary f'd up world we live in anything that is entertaining and can give us an escape and a laugh is actually a gift.

 

NL x