Wife want's a divorce and a new man.

[Sssteve84]

So the crap has been hitting the fan in my life almost non stop since Feb 15 this year. My wife and I were going through a rocky time and she comes home from work packs her things, grabs our two girls and leaves to stay at her parents. Since then we talked about working it out, had sex a handful of times we both moved to different places, went to marriage counseling once, and I even moved back in for about a week.

 

Initially when she first left it was more about finances but as time moved on she says she just doesn't care about me anymore. I've made a thousand stupid decisions between then and now but only realize it afterwards. The past few weeks I've been googling advice like crazy and when I saw this site I thought I'd give it a try. When she first left I was a heaping pile of tears until I moved, I started focusing on my time with the girls and having fun, that's when she started inviting me over for sex in the middle of the night and we tried working on things but I fell back into my old routine and got comfortable, now I'm back to begging her not to go.

 

A week ago she tells me she's seeing someone else so I lost it and for a few days I was really jealous, now she says she's just talking on Facebook and hasn't met him. I told her I'd kick his ass when I saw him and she basically said she'd jump on me to stop me. I countered with your do that to the father of your kids over some guy you barely know, she didn't answer but said she cared about him. Now she is pressuring me to file for divorce as both of us are basically poor, we don't really own anything major but a vehicle each and an ATV. I keep wondering why she's in such a rush, she says it's so I can't hold our marriage over her head.

 

It's like I know if I can just get back to being me, she'll want me back but I can't do it consciously. My question to you guys is general advice on how to handle myself, control my feelings, and do you think this might really be the end? We've been married 9 years July 14th.

 

Also I apologize for the post I'm at work on my cell phone, so I'll try and add more detail at home on my PC.

Edited July 19, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[bathtub-row]

For whatever reason, your wife has lost respect for you. This is basically a death sentence for a relationship. I know your first instinct is to focus on her and getting her back but you'd do way better if you'd start focusing on yourself right now. First of all, why are you poor? Can you do something to improve yourself and your income? This is a very insecure way for you and her to live. Women want to know that a guy can provide for the kids. It's a hard fact in our society. And it's realistic - she wants her kids taken care of.

 

As far as this other guy she's focused on, give it time. He will end up crushing her. When he does, swoop back in and rescue her.

 

Right now, your wife has the upper hand. You need to find a way to turn the tables.

[Jabron1]

It's like dealing with the horse, after it's bolted from the pen. It's far too late.

 

You are being replaced.

 

You should never have got married to begin with.

 

But still, you need to start going out with other girls. This may seem counterproductive, but it isn't.

 

Just live your life to it's fullest - without her.

 

I'm sorry that it doesn't include your family, but that's how it is.

[Mr. Lucky]

Pinned at the top of this sub-forum is "Critical Readings For Separation and Divorce", read and implement The 180 described in the first post there. You have to understand, the more you push for reconciliation the more she'll pull away.

 

As lazy and negligent as you've been to this point, you'll have to be structured and disciplined going forward. Work on yourself and parenting your two girls, that part remains under your control.

 

I agree with bathtub-row, at some point she'll probably want to come back. You've got a long and rocky journey ahead, keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[The_Onceler]

Wow - I am so very sorry to hear what you are going through.

 

I am hardly qualified to offer advice, but I might suggest one basic thing: just chill.

 

I don't mean to sound flip. I sincerely think that you need to just take some time and sit with the status quo. I totally understand how that might seem impossible. If you are ANYTHING like me, your brain is working the problem at a million miles an hour, trying to game out every scenario and "win" her back.

 

Trust me - it is wasted effort. Worse still, it is harming you and those that you love. It a basic fact: you can't control other people. You can't make her want to be with you, you can't keep her from other people, and you can't change her.

 

You *can* however focus on your own well being, and by extension, the health and well being of your children. Just take a deep breath, accept that things have changed, and figure out what steps you can take to make yourself happier and healthier right now. Take one step, rinse, and repeat.

 

And heap love on your children while you are at it.

[standtall]

Women just don't get up and take their 2 minor daughters and move in with her mother on a whim. Most of the time a 3rd party is already involved they are making their are intimate and making plans together. Good luck, but I wouldn't believe that no sex for one second. Most women get attached first and sleep with them second, so there still may be time.

[Sssteve84]

Thanks for the replies everyone, it's great to finally be able to talk about this. I wanted to add some more details, so here goes. Basically what all this happened over was money, I screwed up not paying for a fender bender in 07 so after my license expired I couldn't get it back until I paid about $1,500. She and I talked about me going to trade school for a better job so I quit my job as a landscaper in 2013 to do that, finished the first year fine. Third semester started and car broke down so I couldn't make the 40 min drive to school. I dropped out to keep from going into student loan debt. By this time my license expired, I went to get my old job back, but he needed me to have a license and so the drama began, I must have put in 100 applications and called them all ten times each, but couldn't get a job to save my life. This really started to strain our relationship, so we moved out of the city and into BFE to save on rent. But even so we basically moved even further away from where the jobs were, so I started having to worry about gas money to even put in applications. We both smoked at the time, she would raise hell about supporting my habit, so I eventually just quit to keep the peace which turned out to be a blessing in disguise. I even started donating plasma twice a week, making close to $300 a month, my reasoning was it was better than nothing. The whole time she's working through this, and I'm at home doing housework and taking care of the kids. Kind of went through a rough bout of depression there for a while. So two years without a job, I knew it was pissing her off and I admitted to screwing up and not paying the court stuff when I had the money. My life in a nutshell; making mistake after mistake, but never realizing it until after the fact. So Febuary rolls around and what started it is she said I spent $5 of her money on something I didn't need, I didn't even remember spending any money at the time, but after a few days I remembered I bought milk and forgot. So that's why she left, it wasn't a break up she just wanted to be away from me. The way I acted after she left that night is what caused it to be a separation. The discussion was she wanted me to show her that I could get a job and a place to live again. After I moved back into town, we got our taxes so I fixed my license and got my old job back a week later. Like I said earlier, I started going to the gym, having fun, started doing all kinds of stuff with my two girls. I think she saw all of this and started talking about seeing each other again. I scheduled an appointment with a counselor, but we only went once, I guess the thought we had was we could figure it out for ourselves. When I started staying over at her place again, I had it in my head that basically she wanted the old me back who worked, and let her take care of the kids and house. Within days she was already nagging about me not doing housework, we argued, I tried explaining what I wanted to accomplish and what I thought she wanted, and a few days later she asked me to leave again. Then I just fell back to what I was before she became interested again. I stopped going to the gym and doing me stuff. I kept bugging her for us to work it out. For the past two months after I left, she kept saying it was over and that I should try meeting someone new, it was then I started suspecting she was up to something. I asked her to respect me and our marriage enough that if she decided to start seeing someone to wait until after we divorced. Then last week or the week before I was texting her and asked her something like "well who is it" she asked why did she have to be seeing someone for her to not wanna be with me. Eventually she admitted to talking to someone, a few days later she said she was seeing him. I asked her parents who I'm really close to, and they said they didn't know she was and that she hasn't been talking to them at all, just using them as babysitters. Last week I asked her to just be honest with me and she said she's been talking with him on FB and they hadn't met but she cares for him. I have so many emotions, like anger, feeling betrayed, knowing she's not worth going to jail over, but not much caring anyway, just everything. We still talk almost everyday but it's mostly just about the kids now. Also the divorce talk just started maybe three weeks ago. I told her as long as she was my wife what she does is my business and then a few days later is when she mentioned it. I think that mostly covers it.

[Sssteve84]

What I meant about being poor is just that we rent and neither of us own anything major like houses or anything. The first four years we were married, I had an awesome job as an equipment operator, until the business went under in 2011. We both make $10 an hour and after paying rent and stuff every month we are broke. I definitely agree with the statement that she lost respect for me, it seemed like the more I admitted to my mistakes, the more she would never let me live them down. Eventually, I think it got to a point to where she blamed me for everything. She would be late for work ten or twenty minutes and tell her boss it was because I didn't get the kids to school on time which was complete bull****. In reality, she would wait until it was ten till seven, then get up, get ready, and still have a twenty minute drive to work. There were a couple times her parents would invite us up for a dinner or whatever, she'd tell them okay, get off the phone and tell me she didn't feel like it, then later on would tell them I didn't feel like it. It started small and worked into bigger things. Like at work I let it slide so she wouldn't get in trouble, but it just progressed from there, mostly I was okay with it cause I wanted her to be happy and not catch flak. The problem really started once she started to believe it. I don't agree with the opinion that I've been lazy and negligent. Our kids have everything they need, nice clothes, toys, bikes, fun stuff to do... I think they are very well cared for financially considering how little the both of us make. Would we be able to buy a house in the immediate future? No, but all of our bills get paid and the girls get everything they need. We try extra hard to not live above our means, I'm still following that same plan but she isn't. She rented a house with tax money and paid six months in advance so that's gonna run out this month or next and she's pretty bad about paying bills. When we were together, I made sure the bills got paid on time, needs came first then came wants. Currently I give her $50 a week and I've been writing out receipts as child support and having her sign them. When she asked me to file for the divorce, she told me she would give me my 4 wheeler back and let me keep my vehicle. (When we bought it off my uncle, I didn't have my license so I put it in her name). Even though I know I need to be focusing on me and to just let her do what she wants, the problem I'm having is forcing myself to do just that, so I'm wondering if you guys have any advice on that.

[Sssteve84]

You hit the nail on the head. my brain has probably played out a million questions, and scenarios on how to get her back, what to say, how to act, what to do. The problem I keep running into is having enough self control to implement what I need to be doing.

[Steadfast]

I have not posted here for many, many moons, but your story inspired this response. Your situation is classic, almost textbook. You are not alone.

 

Being honest, I read about one-third of your first post and stopped. I understand the logic behind re-tracing the timeline in an attempt to figure out what you did, and when. I did the same thing back in 2008. My ex did exactly what yours is doing, as have many others. Nothing new. You aren't perfect? Newsflash: No spouse is. You can't find an answer that isn't there.

 

I'm listing three actions for you to consider, and hopefully follow.

 

1) it wasn't money. 98% of the world worries about money, and more often now than anytime in my memory. Fact: REAL love grows stronger during hard times and stress. FALSE love withers or finds it an excuse to leave, because the person is only worried about how "they" feel. Yes, this includes mothers, fathers, long-term marriages and newlyweds. Her love is FALSE. Do not trust her words, trust her actions. Always. JUST ACTIONS!!

 

2) Get your paperwork in order. I know it is hard, but you must put yourself in a position to chart your finances, and you can't do it unless you file for divorce. I was bucks down; really. I found a paralegal to write mine and file it for $800.00 (borrowed). Total cost was about $1500. I paid it back, slowly, but I took care of my kids and survived. Hardest thing I ever did, but I did it and you can too. There is no other choice because the world does not care. You need a budget to take care of you and your kids.

 

3) Let her go. This is the most difficult thing of all. Fact: once a spouse has someone else, you are DONE. Especially true for women, sadly. When you started focusing on you she got interested again, and the following events you described -including sex- happened because she felt her power over you slipping away. Don't be surprised if she tries it again. You are her safety net. The sure thing. Regain your self-esteem and reject it. Do it for you, do it for her and do it for your kids. I read this very solid quote on a lady friend's cheating and divorce website. This is what you should tell your cheater: “I need to be in a relationship where I am fully loved and respected. You don’t love me the way I deserve to be loved.”

Let her go because she's already gone.

 

Most fail. I did, several times. Nothing else to do but dust off and get back on the trail to normal. It took time but eventually I realized that my ex's actions proved her true feelings. Don't take it personally like I did, just realize that your wife is the most important thing in your wife's life.

[BluesPower]

You sound really young. That is fine, everyone is at some time. But really you need to grow up and become an adult. Smoking pot and whatever is a waste of time and money.

 

 

 

 

Your wife is gone and you need to let her go, forever. She is not help to you at all. You need to get your life together and take care of your kids.

 

 

 

 

Improve yourself, learn a new trade, learn to budget and make adult decisions. When you have yourself together you will find another woman that will be a helpmate and a positive influence on your life.

 

 

 

 

Women want a man, most of the time, that will provide emotional, financial stability. They want to feel protected. Weather the women on her like it or not, that is the way that it is.

 

 

 

 

Right now, you are not that guy, but you can be. A man has to put the needs his wife and children above his needs. Sometimes it sucks frankly, but that is how it is.

 

 

 

 

You wife is having an affair, she is sleeping with this other guy, no doubt about it. You need to realize that, and you need to let her go. She is gone.

 

 

 

 

The best thing you can do is get yourself together, become a better man, a better father, and then you, with another woman, will become a better husband.

[Sssteve84]

Look, I appreciate the replies, particularly the actual helpful ones. To the rest of you; I think some of you might be assuming things that aren't true about my wife and I. Such as: I should have never gotten married, that I'm young and smoke pot, and you know exactly what my wife is doing.

 

 

Thank you for your opinions. I am in my thirties, I have college experience, and I don't do drugs. My kids are nine and eight, and I've been married for nine years. Also, when I said we both smoked the first thing you thought of is weed, you sure you ain't the one smoking? I was referring to cigarettes btw.

 

I will say that it is entirely possible that she has or is sleeping with this other guy but I don't think she is. For one, her parents are a big influence in her life, her father is a Baptist preacher and already doesn't condone what she is doing. Which could be a reason she's rushing the divorce. Two, I've been starting to think it's just her lying to me cause she thinks it will force me to get over her, but I could be wrong. My reasoning there is I know everyone she knows and works with. No one has seen or heard of this guy. They could all be lying, yes, but unlikely. Either he lives far away or he doesn't exist, or she's not telling anyone about it except me.

 

I'm not arguing all these points in hopes that we will get back together, and frankly, I stopped covering up what she was doing weeks ago. It's pretty messed up when you don't want your family and friends to know your wife hates your guts, cause you don't want them to hate her if you get back together.

 

I wrote up a dissolution agreement already just have to have it signed and notarized. Basically, we both get the kids 182.5 days out of the year, We each claim a child for taxes, I'm getting the youngest... hehe. And so on with the other stuff I mentioned

[karnak]

I have not posted here for many, many moons, but your story inspired this response. Your situation is classic, almost textbook. You are not alone.

 

Being honest, I read about one-third of your first post and stopped. I understand the logic behind re-tracing the timeline in an attempt to figure out what you did, and when. I did the same thing back in 2008. My ex did exactly what yours is doing, as have many others. Nothing new. You aren't perfect? Newsflash: No spouse is. You can't find an answer that isn't there.

 

I'm listing three actions for you to consider, and hopefully follow.

 

1) it wasn't money. 98% of the world worries about money, and more often now than anytime in my memory. Fact: REAL love grows stronger during hard times and stress. FALSE love withers or finds it an excuse to leave, because the person is only worried about how "they" feel. Yes, this includes mothers, fathers, long-term marriages and newlyweds. Her love is FALSE. Do not trust her words, trust her actions. Always. JUST ACTIONS!!

 

2) Get your paperwork in order. I know it is hard, but you must put yourself in a position to chart your finances, and you can't do it unless you file for divorce. I was bucks down; really. I found a paralegal to write mine and file it for $800.00 (borrowed). Total cost was about $1500. I paid it back, slowly, but I took care of my kids and survived. Hardest thing I ever did, but I did it and you can too. There is no other choice because the world does not care. You need a budget to take care of you and your kids.

 

3) Let her go. This is the most difficult thing of all. Fact: once a spouse has someone else, you are DONE. Especially true for women, sadly. When you started focusing on you she got interested again, and the following events you described -including sex- happened because she felt her power over you slipping away. Don't be surprised if she tries it again. You are her safety net. The sure thing. Regain your self-esteem and reject it. Do it for you, do it for her and do it for your kids. I read this very solid quote on a lady friend's cheating and divorce website. This is what you should tell your cheater: “I need to be in a relationship where I am fully loved and respected. You don’t love me the way I deserve to be loved.”

Let her go because she's already gone.

 

Most fail. I did, several times. Nothing else to do but dust off and get back on the trail to normal. It took time but eventually I realized that my ex's actions proved her true feelings. Don't take it personally like I did, just realize that your wife is the most important thing in your wife's life.

Glad to see you back, Steadfast

 

Comments and help from people like you are very needed on this forum. You're a pro.

 

And what you wrote is spot-on. Unfortunately on these weird, materialistic times, I see more and more people basing their relationship on money, status and goods.

Unfortunately it seems to me that some men (specially young men today) think they can "buy" a woman's heart with money, trips abroad, big houses and fast cars.

Tough luck! A woman never "sells" her heart. She either offers it to the man she loves or she "rents" it for some time to the "highest bidder".

 

Saw it happen too many times in my social circles. The marriage was bliss while there's money for trips to Mexico, Thailand, Europe, big cars, expensive cellphones and wide-screen TVs.

Then the economic crisis exploded. The wages dropped. Some got unemployed. Suddenly there was no more money for expensive TVs, phones or trips abroad. And some husbands got the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" death-phrase.

 

I'm not saying that most women are gold-diggers. They're not.

But there's plenty of women out there who'll have no problems in using and abusing guys who pay for female attention and still think that men are "providers" by nature.

 

Feminists, throughout the 20th century, had to fight a tough battle in order to achieve similar rights to those of men. Including the rights to earn their own money and independence. It's sad to see (in this day and age) that somehow those values are suffering some sort of regression. Much to the blame of men IMHO.

[azlightsout]

You hit the nail on the head. my brain has probably played out a million questions, and scenarios on how to get her back, what to say, how to act, what to do. The problem I keep running into is having enough self control to implement what I need to be doing.

 

Do u workout?Do u fish? U can release all that built up frustration lifting weights. U need to get and keep her out of your mind.

Edited July 27, 2016 by azlightsout

[Steadfast]

Glad to hear you've moved forward. You seem centered and focused judging by the tone of your last post, but don't feel bad about feeling bad. Like anyone or anything that we've loved, burying a marriage isn't easy.

 

You can choose to believe or trust in regards to having sex with someone else, but it's risky. Not sure if it has been mentioned yet (apologies it it has) but you need to get tested for STDs. No fun, but critical. See, what you do not want it for things to get even worse, and they can. The general rule is believe half of what you see and nothing you hear. Truth is stranger than fiction. All the old sayings apply and most cheaters follow a pattern.

 

One more bit of advice; be as nice to her as you can. No butt kissing, just resist the urge to get nasty or toss barbs. You'll be shocked at her reaction -especially- when she realizes you are not playing to win her back. It will build YOUR self esteem and return control of YOUR emotions back to you, where they belong. Playing games will keep you in pain. Keep moving on.

 

Thanks for the kind words Karnak. I'm not sure about being a pro but like many I have lived through it and actually flourished afterwards. It's a positive to stop trying to control the things you have no control over.

[Cherryz]

The way you write without enter is hard to read your other replys.

 

But on your topic, when a women leave like that its often because she giveth alot of chances and is really tired of it all.

I dont know the complete story of you and her. But you say you messed up.

To bad you dont say how.

 

Either-way 1 time therapy is same as no therapy atall.

You both should have stayed long enough in therapy to figure things out and understand each-other better and get on the same page.

 

Since its marriage i think you shouldn't give up without a fight.

Find a christian good therapist and start going yourself and then have a talk with your

wife about going too.

And if you messed up part of moving on is apologizing and also forgive each-other.

And be open for a better future.

 

I dont agree with your wife messing around with other guy while she still married and have kids, and also have alot of issues to deal with in her marriage.

She is being very in-responsible and stupid!

Is she trying to look for attention by doing this...

 

You need to have a talk with her and if you really love her let her know.

Have a heart to heart with her.Admit your faults, and ask her if she want to work it out, and whats her feelings-love for you so far.

And really get into therapy. And even if it dont work out at the end, therapy will help you both to grow as a person and for your next relationships.

 

Meanwhile that you are separated, do some soul searching, read some christian marriage books, and put on papers what you need to work on etc.

And keep being there for your kids. And their activity's.

 

 

And i do think both of you have things to work on, for yourself and to make the marriage work. During therapy make sure you are open and honest also about what you are missing in your marriage and if there were things she did that hurted you.Marriage is work! You have to put the effort etc. for it to succeed well.

[Cherryz]

Why i advice christian books and therapy...., is because they are often more focused on marriage. And understand more the meaning of it and how to make it work.

Other books often more quick to advice for the easy way.

And dont go deeper and explain the real meaning of marriage.

Beside marriage is made by God.

 

 

And advice divorce mostly only if there is any kind of abuse or cheating.

I do know that people divorce for many other reasons also. But sometimes its the inpatient or unwilling to also forgive.

 

 

If you a christian i would advice you also to pray about it and ask God for His guide.

 

 

I will post later on some marriage books , that you can read if you like to.

[Gr8fuln2020]

For whatever reason, your wife has lost respect for you. This is basically a death sentence for a relationship.

 

Absolutely. No respect, the relationship is dead. People too often say that the most important emotion in a relationship is love....I beg to differ....respect trumps it. People will stay out of love no matter how abusive/dysfunctional, but w/o respect....watch out.