Mother coming between relationship

[Joan]

I have one big problem here. M

 

My husband and I live in an adjoining suite next to my mother and her husband's house. We've only been living there a couple of months because we are not yet financially secure to pay full rent, so they helped us out by offering us this suite.

 

Recently there have been tensions between my husband and I. Little jealousies, him being upset with me coming home late because I had to work overtime, ect.

 

Last night I was talking to one of my good older women friends over the phone who my husband doesn't like, but she is my best friend. He kept coming in the bedroon telling me to end the conversation, and I told him I could talk to her if I wanted. Then, he went over to my mother's suite and told my mother I was talking on the phone for over half an hour with Julia. (My mother also dislikes this person because she is the same age as my mother and she wishes I would talk to her like I do to Julia)

 

When I ended the conversation with Julia I went over to the house to see what was going on, and my mom and husband had sort of "ganged up" on me symbolically because they told me I shouldn't be talking to that "crazy woman". It was like my husband had scored "Brownie points" with my mother because after that my mother and I got into a big arguement in which my mom told me I was not a good wife, that I should be more attentive to my husband ect. I blew up at her and said, "Why don't you marry him!"

 

I feel this is so unfair that my own mother would "sell me out" over my husband. Our relationship has deteriorated so badly and I can't even talk to her without her criticizing me and telling me I am a looser with BIG psychological problems.

 

"You need help! You need help! Go see a psychiatrist" she yells at me as if it were a death sentence. I realize I could benefit from some counselling, but then why does that b--- of my mother (sorry, to use fowl language, but she makes me furious!) have to tell me that in such a horrible tone of voice? What kind of a mother is that? What kind of a mother is that who steps into my husband and I's private arguements? Shouldn't a mature mother be the one to say,"This is between you two? Sorry, but you'll have to work is out yourselves?!!"

 

Doesn't it sound like SHE is the one needing more counselling than me?

 

Right now, I just want to pack my things and get the "hell" out of here and never see these people again!@

[Tony T]

This whole situation is pretty childish. I think everybody involved needs to grow up!!!

 

You ought to find more strategic times to have lengthy talks with your friend on the telephone, perhaps when your husband isn't around. He needs to stop being so demanding of your time and listening in on your telephone conversations.

 

Your husband needs to stop running to your parents with all this petty crap that is person and involves only you and your husband. Your mother needs to get over her jealousy and just face the fact that you are going to have more interaction with other people.\

 

You and your husband need to find a place at least five miles away from your parents ASAP.

 

So we have a lot of people here who need to grow up, get some maturity, and stop getting so easily upset. Life is very short and there are a lot of problems to go around without each of us going out of our way to upset ourselves.

 

Everything you described is extremely petty bickering by people who don't seem to have lives. Everybody needs to take a cold shower and assess the very sad state of their lives.

 

If you, your husband, or your mother want some really serious things to worry about, email me at <e-mail address removed> and I'll send you as much as you can handle.

[Joan]

If you, your husband, or your mother want some really serious things to worry about, email me at <e-mail address removed> and I'll send you as much as you can handle.

What do you mean "really serious things" Tony? I am almost scared to e-mail you because you sound like you are going to lash out at me in person, and at this moment all I need is support, not someone who is going to tell me I am an immature person.

[sparkle]

Joan,

 

Sit down with your husband and talk this over. What upsets him about you talking to this friend of yours? Listen to and try to understand his side too.

 

I do agree that you should be able to talk to whoever you want to, but you're MARRIED to this guy. He's your HUSBAND. Your relationship is lacking respect and effective communication. If you really love him and care about your marriage, you'll be more than willing to compromise and work out little problems such as this to keep the man you're in love with happy.

 

I see a couple problems:

 

1. Coming home late:

 

You said that he's upset about you coming home late because you had to work overtime. Then you also said you were talking to this lady last night. Last night.

 

If I was your husband and I was upset about you coming home late, then you better believe that I'd be even more angry that when you do come home, you ended up talking on the phone for a while that night. Maybe I wanted your time and your attention. Maybe I wanted you to sit there and talk to ME.

 

2. Lack of respect, and being rude:

 

You told him you could talk to her if you wanted. That's just plain rude. If your husband was upset, why try to make things worse by just being rude about it? Why not say, "Okay honey...I'll be off shortly".

 

Your friend isn't going anywhere. You can call her back. You can call her from work, from the road, from a payphone, when your husband's not there or when he's busy. But if your friend means that much to you that you're willing to get into an argument with your mother and husband about not ending your phone call, you should've married her instead!

 

And the fact that you're cussing your mother out, is just plain disrespectful. It makes you look REALLY bad, noo matter how evil and wicked and cruel she is. Those are things that people with manners and morals JUST DON'T DO.

 

This whole issue is just so petty. You didn't state your age, but I'm guessing you're an adult. Start acting like one. Maybe you married your husband before you were ready to. Maybe you still need time to mature into the adult that you're supposed to be. No one said marriage was going to be easy. But marriage includes compromising, and having to make sacrifices for each other's happiness. You can't make it work out magically without making any effort to.

 

I'm not exactly sure what you were asking, but the main question you asked was, "Doesn't it sound like SHE is the one needing more counselling than me?"

 

Yes you could benefit from some counseling. As for your mother, don't worry about her. Focus on what YOU need to do.

[Joan]

1. Coming home late: You said that he's upset about you coming home late because you had to work overtime. Then you also said you were talking to this lady last night. Last night.

 

Yes, because it was the only time I could talk to her. And somebody has to pay the bills!

If I was your husband and I was upset about you coming home late, then you better believe that I'd be even more angry that when you do come home, you ended up talking on the phone for a while that night. Maybe I wanted your time and your attention. Maybe I wanted you to sit there and talk to ME.

 

Well, it doesn't give him the excuse to go over to rant about it to my family! I need a social life too outside the marriage. I don't go calling his parents whenever he calls up his friends.

2. Lack of respect, and being rude: You told him you could talk to her if you wanted. That's just plain rude. If your husband was upset, why try to make things worse by just being rude about it? Why not say, "Okay honey...I'll be off shortly".

 

I guess I didn't explain that he got so angry that he pulled the phone out of the wall. There is a difference between someone commanding you what to do and asking you nicely. He went in there to try to show he had power and I stood my ground. (Gee, you sound like my mother!)

Your friend isn't going anywhere. You can call her back. You can call her from work, from the road, from a payphone, when your husband's not there or when he's busy.

 

No, I can't call her from work. And my life DOESN'T revolve around my husband! Aren't we living in the 21st century?

 

Friends are as important to me as family and my husband knew this before we got married!

And the fact that you're cussing your mother out, is just plain disrespectful. It makes you look REALLY bad, noo matter how evil and wicked and cruel she is. Those are things that people with manners and morals JUST DON'T DO.

 

I didn't cuss her out, I just vented my frustration on the internet. Isn't that better than really doing it? I'm sure you'd feel the same way if you were in my shoes so stop all this moralizing!

 

All I was looking for was some sympathetic words. I didn't really have a specific question or issue. I just needed to blow off steam and I get chewed out for doing it!

[Tony T]

What I meant to say is that all this behavior, especially your husband's and your mama's, is immature and childish. I usually try to distinguish the behavior from the person. I wouldn't put up with all that's going on.

 

The day I took total control of my life and stopped allowing crazy behaviors around me was the day my life changed dramatically for the better. I do hope you get to that point soon.

 

What you describe in your post is absolutely bizarre. I wouldn't put up with it.

 

Life just isn't meant to have this much petty drama. I hate to see all this happening to you. I do hope you can move away from your parents and improve your marriage. I think a move would be a very major step forward.