Wife of almost 23 years wants divorce [updated]

[Marc878]

Who knows. Maybe second thoughts. Maybe wanting to speed up the process.

 

Get the var under her car seat. Knowledge can't hurt you here.

[Marc878]

Maybe checking up on you to justify her affair.

[bubbaganoosh]

She's looking for evidence to see if there's been a woman in your house. She was on a shake down trip hoping to see what your up to.

 

My ex used to sit at the top of the driveway at night with binoculars checking to see if I had company. I lived in the country so it was real dark and hard to see a car at the top of the driveway except that she didn't realize that when she has her foot on the brake, the tail lights light up real red.

[standtall]

Who knows and who cares...she most likely doing what the other poster's have said and is checking up on you..the 180 is working and she is realizing she is losing whatever control/magic that she once had on you. They don't like that....keep it up.

[Jeff1690]

Don't get this checking up on me **** if that is true like some say. She wants the divorce I don't but I am definately moving on. Even if she came crawling back I think it would take a lot of therapy on her part and MC together over a couple of years for her to even win back part of my trust. She has broken my heart, ruined my dreams. I love her but I am not a push over either much less an idiot.

She should be jumping for joy that I am being so amicable about this.

[The_Onceler]

My situation PALES in comparison to yours, but based on my experience, I wouldn't dismiss the whole notion of her checking up on you. My ex (we are still living together, so is she officially my 'ex' yet?) had begun an online affair with an old flame and then announced that she was leaving me.

 

Once the anger and dust had settled, we both just got on with dissolving our relationship. At some point weeks later, she cornered me to ask whether I was also involved with somebody new. I started by reminding her that she really had no freaking right to even ask me that, but no, I wasn't.

 

But then I thought - why the hell do you care? She had no good answer for that...

[standtall]

[quote=Jeff1690;6991612

She should be jumping for joy that I am being so amicable about this.

 

No s***! aint that the truth.

[DKT3]

I'm not a WS, but I have a hard try believing that they (WS's) simply stop caring about the BS, despite some of the stuff that comes out of their mouth. I think your wife still cares for you deeply and is likely worried about your well being. Since you won't talk to her she made the trip to check on you, conversely, I think she was also being nosey since she sense you moving on. Makes sense because of the way she was investigating you, the home and you car. Asking probing questions and in general appearing to be attempting to see what you're up to.

 

After my divorce my wife did this for about a year, even did the random driving by my place, the oops I didn't mean to call you at 2am, and the very random very important( meaningless) paperwork that required my immediate attention.

[kgcolonel]

I'm not a WS, but I have a hard try believing that they (WS's) simply stop caring about the BS, despite some of the stuff that comes out of their mouth. I think your wife still cares for you deeply and is likely worried about your well being. Since you won't talk to her she made the trip to check on you, conversely, I think she was also being nosey since she sense you moving on. Makes sense because of the way she was investigating you, the home and you car. Asking probing questions and in general appearing to be attempting to see what you're up to.

 

After my divorce my wife did this for about a year, even did the random driving by my place, the oops I didn't mean to call you at 2am, and the very random very important( meaningless) paperwork that required my immediate attention.

 

I agree here and I would add to keep filtering her calls. Only answer the calls pertinent to the D and finances. Stay polite but no emotions or sharing of activitie details.

 

You're playing it very well.

[Jeff1690]

Well I did a complete text and phone call search on my wife's phone. It seems that about the time all the sex and intimacy stopped she was calling and texting a guy. Turns out he is the brother of my wife's best friend. hundreds of calls and texts at all hours of the day and night. since last year.

 

Yeah I screwed up and texted her broke NC. Just told her I received a message to look for a certain number. I didn't but I looked at it and didn't see the pattern until I used reverse phone look up which was worth the money. His name was everywhere. Ilooked up every number I did not know and plugged it into the phone number on the bill so the name wold show up not the number.

 

Her reply is she wants to know who is feed me all this bs information. My reply was polite. I know we are done, I am giving you the freedom you want the uncontested divorce you want. It doesn't matter if someone is giving me info or not, the bill is black and white with his name all over it. Told her about four dates where she talked for 199, 154, 102 and 64 minutes on my birthday.

 

I then texted it was a shame all she wanted was to know who is giving info but not one word about what she has done. which is to deceive me and treatme like a fool. Told her I will remain polite, and not argue and get this divorce over as soon as possible so she can really enjoy her new life and I would continue on with mine.

 

Yeah I should not have done it but after pouring over the records for 3 hours I wanted some vindication and to let her know she wasn't as slick as she thought she was. She is supposed to come home saturday to help prep the house for the refi to be put in her name. Wonder if that is gonna happen..

[PegNosePete]

Well done, good sleuthing. It might not affect the divorce outcome but knowing the truth will at least give you some closure.

 

It's almost impossible to do NC while there is unfinished business between you, ie. assets, a marriage, etc so don't worry about that. Now she knows that you know so there's not much to be gained by re-hashing that. From now on just talk to her in a business like manner in order to get the divorce and finances sorted out as quickly and efficiently as possible (and of course, wit the best possible outcome for yourself).

 

Did you see a lawyer yet?

[tinkerbell16]

Little long but I want to give details for best opinions.

Okay really confused here. Saturday the wife called around 10pm. I did not answer as per NC I learned here. I listened to her message and it was about our sons' college tuition. So I called her back. She wants to know about how much we made for last year. Now we both are salaried in our jobs and she damn well knows how much we both make.

 

So I just said unless you have got a pay raise the same thing we have made the past two years.She says she needs to know what the W-2's say. Well she knows the lady at the bank has the last two years tax records for the refi of the house. (She is buying me out for those who haven't read my original post.) So I tell her why doesn't she email or call the lady or go by her office. She says she is down south at her apartment. (I knew this because my son said she told him she wasn't coming home this weekend.) I tell her I am busy with contractors for building my cabin, but I would try and that her best bet was just to shoot her an email. I then said if there is nothing else I needed to go. She said by and I hung up.

 

Now this afternoon (monday) I am sitting here actually reading some threads here and decided I need to get my butt up and go do something so I decided to go to Lowe's to look at building materials for my cabin. I hear the door open upstairs (I am in man room in basement). Both sons are on camping trip. I get my pistol and open the door to see my wife walking down the stairs with a legal sized envelope. I start thinking oh **** she is about to make things difficult and instead of doing uncontested divorce she is gonna hammer me.

 

I put the pistol up (no she didn't see it for those of you concerned) and said what are you doing here. She said do I need a reason. I replied well we talked Saturday and you were down south and you go back to work tomorrow. Is everything okay it is a three hour drive.

 

She says she has paper work for the refi I need to look at. Well She tries to come in the man room but I close the door and tell her lets go upstairs to the kitchen. She says are you hiding something and I said no lets just go upstairs there is more room plus I was just leaving to meet some friends. As she turns to go up I go back into the room and grab the recorder.

 

Okay the paper work was stuff requiring her signature. It didn't require a thing from me. She finishes and says would you mind dropping this off tomorrow? I looked at my watch and said the bank is still open can't you. She then says never mind I will scan and email it to her tomorrow when I get to work.

 

Well we made a little small talk very polite and I say well I am gonna be late. So I go to leave and see she is parked behind me. I turned to go back in and she is coming out with the keys to move her Jeep. Once she does I get in the truck and have the sudden realization I left my computer on and this webpage up. So I bolt back in run downstairs change my password again (done this several times just in case she tries to get on it).

 

When I come back upstairs she says I hear you went to Nashville this weekend. I replied yep had an awesome time. She then says I hear there is a whore house up there. Now I know my wife and her moods. She said this in a kidding manner I know well. I laughed and said I wish I had heard about it and we both laughed.

 

Well she then says she is leaving to to head back down south. Now the entire drive she was behind me. I picked up my phone and acted like I was on it the minute I pulled out of the driveway. At every stop sign I made sure to act like I was laughing and having a great conversation. I could tell she was trying to see my face through the rearview mirror.

 

I then went my own way. I also realized she had taken some mail with her and I had some insurance stuff in there from my surgery. So I called her and told her I needed it. We met at a department store she had stopped at to shop.

 

I got the paper work and said good bye. As I was pulling out she flags me down "remind me" one more time that she would get the bank paper work taken care of. Now she opened my passenger door when I stopped and I could see her scanning the interior of the truck. Her eyes locked on a letter from a former employee of mine that is going through law school and the return address says state bar assoc. on it. All it was was a character reference form for her. I said a letter. She grabs it and pulls the form out. Then she realizes what it is and says oh another one of your girls going to law school. (I have had five of my female employees become lawyers, can't keep good help they keep bettering themselves lol).

 

Anyway She starts to walk away and stops as I begin to move and I motion her to go on across. As she does and I am passing she says I know you just want that $500,000 life insurance policy and laughs. my window way down. I laughed and said no I don't need it but you need to get that changed and put it in the boy's name but don't tell them you might not live long (laughed she laughed).

 

I told her be careful driving back home and drove off. Now I said that last bit because every time for the past four years when she was at her apartment and working down south I would tell her be careful going home and she would get pissy and say my home is not there it is with you that is a place I stay when I work.

 

Now I know that was long winded but I am totally confused as to why she would drive three hours home and show me this paper work I didn't need to sign and then drive back three hours. Anyone have any thoughts if you made it this far.

 

You handled this perfectly. I am the female version of your story. I never had or sought proof my ex H had another love interest. I knew in my gut. After almost 30 years together and almost overnight he changed from worshiping me to almost hatred of me (with no logical explaination) I knew he was having a mid life crises affair.

 

He would pendulum from anger to telling me how perfect I was, but he was not in love anymore.

 

99.9% probability she is in an affair and .01% it's a rair brain tumor (sarcasm).

 

You will never see her in the same light again. Start building your new life full of things that make you happy.

 

It's a re-training of your brain. Get new single friends so you aren't feeling awkward around married couples.

 

You can always look back on the good times and also look forward to the new adventures you have ahead of you.

 

Hugs, Tink

[tinkerbell16]

Mr Lucky I never did stray. Did I window shop? Yep what man doesn't look at a pretty woman and say that is nice. I have a smart beautiful wife. I love my wife and family and there has never been a piece of ass worth destroying someone you love and your family and everything you have built. Throw in the fact that for the first half of our marriage we had sex 4-5 times a week. As the kids got older and got more into things and we were required to take them everywhere it dropped to once a week sometimes twice.

 

Listening to friends who have not even been married half the time I have always complained about only having sex once or twice or month sometimes once every three months or so. I felt blessed to have a wonderful sex life and I am not just talking about me getting on her and doing my thing and rolling over and going to sleep. Up until last year we had really great sex.

 

As I mentioned in my other post... it sounds like I am the female version of you. My ex H and I had a healthy sex life up until the last year although nothing had changed on my end, on the contrary I was very active and in the best shape of my life whilst he refused to work out with me. I could not chalk it up to me having adopted an I don't care attitude about my looks. I was in better shape than most 25 year olds. NOTHING could have gained his interest back. When they are in affair fog it is a train wreck no one can stop imo.

[Jeff1690]

Yes he said up until the house is refi'ed and money comes in everything else looks good to go.

[tinkerbell16]

Well I did a complete text and phone call search on my wife's phone. It seems that about the time all the sex and intimacy stopped she was calling and texting a guy. Turns out he is the brother of my wife's best friend. hundreds of calls and texts at all hours of the day and night. since last year.

 

Yeah I screwed up and texted her broke NC. Just told her I received a message to look for a certain number. I didn't but I looked at it and didn't see the pattern until I used reverse phone look up which was worth the money. His name was everywhere. Ilooked up every number I did not know and plugged it into the phone number on the bill so the name wold show up not the number.

 

Her reply is she wants to know who is feed me all this bs information. My reply was polite. I know we are done, I am giving you the freedom you want the uncontested divorce you want. It doesn't matter if someone is giving me info or not, the bill is black and white with his name all over it. Told her about four dates where she talked for 199, 154, 102 and 64 minutes on my birthday.

 

I then texted it was a shame all she wanted was to know who is giving info but not one word about what she has done. which is to deceive me and treatme like a fool. Told her I will remain polite, and not argue and get this divorce over as soon as possible so she can really enjoy her new life and I would continue on with mine.

 

Yeah I should not have done it but after pouring over the records for 3 hours I wanted some vindication and to let her know she wasn't as slick as she thought she was. She is supposed to come home saturday to help prep the house for the refi to be put in her name. Wonder if that is gonna happen..

 

Glas you found the answers you suspected and we all suspected.

 

Sad you are officially part of the "club" we all belong to.

 

It's a crap journey but I am 2 years post divorce and I have loved again and found peace and happiness in my new life.

 

We are here for you. We understand what's ahead.

 

Stay busy. Work on your new place. Keep busy hands to help your mind from the spin cycle of pain, anger, relief, pain, grief...

 

Mine was almost 30 years... then poof.

 

It will be ok. It just takes time.

[William]

Folks, we've merged update content from the thread starter into this thread and retitled the thread to reflect that. Please continue discussion on this topic in this thread. There may be some duplication of content. Thanks!

[Mr. Lucky]

Yeah I should not have done it but after pouring over the records for 3 hours I wanted some vindication and to let her know she wasn't as slick as she thought she was.

 

Disagree, I think what you did was a perfectly legitimate response. Now you know, and she knows you know, and you know she knows you know, etc, etc, etc.

 

No more BS or wondering why, now just moving on with your life. Be happy and fulfilled, that's the best revenge ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Jeff1690]

Tinkerbell and Mr Lucky thanks for the support. Tinkerbell glad to hear you have found love again. Glad to hear you guys think it was okay to break NC. I wish I had spent more time on my text response to get it all out but I didn't.

 

One thing that really bugs me about the phone search she has been texting and calling this woman who I don't even know (got her name on the revere search) like 10-15 times a day at all hours. I had a friends wife call and she sounds like a lesbian by the conversation my friends wife had. Did the whole hey I must have got the wrong number but who are you routine when she called.

 

Now my wife I don't think has turned the corner so to speak. She has been in the military for years and has had lesbian friends. Even before we dated my wife used to get hit on by them. She would just be polite and turn them down. I asked about it. She said so what if they want me I don't swing that way but they are good people and I don't mind being friends with them.

 

But as many texts she has been getting back and forth I also wonder if this chick is fueling her desire for freedom and independence. Doesn't really matter just venting a bit since my wife has never mentioned this girls name.

 

Also one other man is on the list she calls a lot the past three or four months. The first guy doesn't get as many calls and texts now. Maybe like they had a seven or eight month fling and things cooled but they still contact.

 

This other guy now gets the phne calls and texts not in the same frequency but still late night calls texts. He works where she does. His phone carrier is Century Link. Now the strange thing is there is a number I can not identify but it is a century link line and also gets the late night calls texts. As a matter of fact she called that number this morning at 630am. She also sent and received like 10 texts to the woman this morning. Guess they are talking about the text messages.

[Jeff1690]

Have a question If the wife comes home this weekend to help prep the house for the appraiser. I will act polite etc. keep my recorder on. But what if she brings up the phone calls and starts wanting to know who is feeding me information?

 

Do I just say lets get this work done? Or do I just say it is unimportant and does not matter? I want to say that and also tell her it is really sad that on many nights while out of town she would call me talk four or five minutes and say she is going to bed and then be on the phone with him for an hour or two. And also about her and him calling each other at five or six in the morning for a few minutes. She quit calling me in the mornings about a year ago. Just figured she just busy with her big important job. Also the fact that some days while out of town she would call me once or twice for about five or six minutes be talk to him three or four times in a day thirty minutes to an hour or more.

 

I guess I just want her to know she has been so deceitful. All that time I was sitting there trying to wonder how to fix us as we drifted apart, but not knowing how and she was spending her time talking to another man. I am sure she will say they were just friends BS. Not sure how to answer that. Even if it wasn't a physical affair but an emotional one she still deceived me and would not talk to me about us but spent her time talking to another and now here we are getting divorced. Any thoughts

[DKT3]

Sorry man, it sucks I remember the feeling...on the bright side, now you know and it may help you move on without second guessing and playing the what if game.

 

If she shows this weekend, which I'm pretty confident she will because she will want to know how you know so she can judge how much you know, just don't touch the subject. She will lie and it would only drive you nuts. Instead keep it light and funny if possible, which will drive her nuts now that she knows you know.

[kgcolonel]

Okay....now you have the power, not her....if these questions are all that important to you....

 

Offer to trade information....you could start by telling her who "didn't" give you the suggestions as she provides you with the details you are needing.

 

Frankly, I can't see how this can effect anything and I am embarrassed to say, I might be tempted to burn either the female or the male she's been talking to. Just suggesting that she should chose her AP's more carefully....(divide the evil).

 

Maybe that's too bitter but personally, I think you're entitled from what she's been doing.

[DKT3]

Okay....now you have the power, not her....if these questions are all that important to you....

 

Offer to trade information....you could start by telling her who "didn't" give you the suggestions as she provides you with the details you are needing.

 

Frankly, I can't see how this can effect anything and I am embarrassed to say, I might be tempted to burn either the female or the male she's been talking to. Just suggesting that she should chose her AP's more carefully....(divide the evil).

 

Maybe that's too bitter but personally, I think you're entitled from what she's been doing.

 

You're saying tell her that they contacted him? I mean she would have to believe him, how else would he have come by that information.

 

Jeff sounds pretty solid on divorce, in that case what does it matter? He has the information he needs to move on, I say ignore the conversation all together and leave her guessing, like she has him the past couple years.

[Jeff1690]

kgcolonel I truly have thought about giving her one of her new friends names. Or hint maybe this woman who seems to text her 50 times a day or hint in that direction.

I intend to have my recorder going the entire time she is there it records 48hours or so worth of data. Would just love to have a speech ready that explains what she has done destroying me and our family (in a polite way). Maybe guilt her and possibly into admitting the affair. Something along the lines I am being nice about this giving you your divorce without making it a mess and for at least 22 years we had a great marriage and why not come clean nothing will change I just want to hear your sorry for it.

 

I know she isn't the same woman I married for the past year but one thing about her she feels guilt strongly when she has done something wrong and always goes to someone she has hurt to be honest and apologize. She has been like this her whole life. Be great to not only have the phone records but a recorded admission...I guess for my on satisfaction and just in case this turns ugly.

[kgcolonel]

You're saying tell her that they contacted him? I mean she would have to believe him, how else would he have come by that information.

 

Jeff sounds pretty solid on divorce, in that case what does it matter? He has the information he needs to move on, I say ignore the conversation all together and leave her guessing, like she has him the past couple years.[/quote

 

 

Not telling her that one of the APs told him but imply it by telling her that she should have been more careful.....it looks to be the only leverage to get the answers he is wanting....I believe I stated that "if the answers are that important" albeit, she does deserve a bit of salt IMO in her soup i.e. the betrayal she has put him through over the time of the A's.

[Jeff1690]

You know guys I think I might tell her to do her own digging. Yesterday I called the woman she texts all the time just to see if it was a man (didn't know at the time). Also called one of the other numbers that popped up and it is a girl she talks to all the time. If she searches my phone records she will see a phone call to not only the chick that she has been texting a million times a day but also another one of her friends. Plus those calls would be before I sent her the text about what I knew. That would be interesting:laugh: