Wife of almost 23 years wants divorce [updated]

[DKT3]

kgcolonel I truly have thought about giving her one of her new friends names. Or hint maybe this woman who seems to text her 50 times a day or hint in that direction.

I intend to have my recorder going the entire time she is there it records 48hours or so worth of data. Would just love to have a speech ready that explains what she has done destroying me and our family (in a polite way). Maybe guilt her and possibly into admitting the affair. Something along the lines I am being nice about this giving you your divorce without making it a mess and for at least 22 years we had a great marriage and why not come clean nothing will change I just want to hear your sorry for it.

 

I know she isn't the same woman I married for the past year but one thing about her she feels guilt strongly when she has done something wrong and always goes to someone she has hurt to be honest and apologize. She has been like this her whole life. Be great to not only have the phone records but a recorded admission...I guess for my on satisfaction and just in case this turns ugly.

 

Here is the thing, your wife still cares about you, she cares about what you think of her and she is still very much attached to you. This I get from the banter between the two of you. She was sent going to be honest, she will only andt to what you can prove. Your opinion of her matters to her.

 

There was s a fine line between finding the truth and just finding pain. You have your truth do you need to find more pain?

[hl1962]

kgcolonel I truly have thought about giving her one of her new friends names. Or hint maybe this woman who seems to text her 50 times a day or hint in that direction.

I intend to have my recorder going the entire time she is there it records 48hours or so worth of data. Would just love to have a speech ready that explains what she has done destroying me and our family (in a polite way). Maybe guilt her and possibly into admitting the affair. Something along the lines I am being nice about this giving you your divorce without making it a mess and for at least 22 years we had a great marriage and why not come clean nothing will change I just want to hear your sorry for it.

 

I know she isn't the same woman I married for the past year but one thing about her she feels guilt strongly when she has done something wrong and always goes to someone she has hurt to be honest and apologize. She has been like this her whole life. Be great to not only have the phone records but a recorded admission...I guess for my on satisfaction and just in case this turns ugly.

Admission of what? Admission that she has changed? It'd be sad whatever she has changed to, she didn't feel she can communicate with you. Obviously she doesn't love you as a wife anymore. You need to move on. Eventually you'll probably find out. I got to know a group of moms all over the country when my son was born 19 years ago. Over the years, some got divorced. At least one is very happy with a woman now, and occasionally attended ball games with her ex. I wouldn't put guilt trip on her until I know exactly what's going on. Find your happiness again.

[Marc878]

What you should know by now.

 

Cheaters lie, hide and deceive. A lot. She's been playing this game for over a year.

 

You know only "the tip of the iceberg". But it is a full blown sexual affair maybe with multiple people.

 

IMO, I would tell her the kids need to know the full truth of why she's destroyed a 20 marriage.

 

She will blame you for the affair but this is 100% on her. No marriage is perfect. Did you go out and scree other women when she abandoned you?

 

If you want to move on with this in the best way for your future you only text or email about the kids only. You will need a hard 180. You will get through this much easier.

 

They all want "can we be friends" to help aleviate guilt and look good in front of others. Please do not fall for this BS.

 

Definition of friend- loyal, trustworthy, honest. SHES NOT YOUR FRIEND!

 

Be civil nothing more acting friendly at this time will say you accept what she's done to you, your kids and future.

[Marc878]

It's wise to never reveal your information. IMO she ended your marriage. Be friendly no. Civil yes but I would initiate no conversation. Silence is golden here. Unless she is willing to tell you the truth. If she starts to lie and blame you just say "I've had enough of your lies" then walk away.

 

Your silence will speak more than anything you could ever say.

[Marc878]

If you want more details VAR her car.

[Mr. Lucky]

One thing that really bugs me about the phone search she has been texting and calling this woman who I don't even know (got her name on the revere search) like 10-15 times a day at all hours. I had a friends wife call and she sounds like a lesbian by the conversation my friends wife had. Did the whole hey I must have got the wrong number but who are you routine when she called.

 

Now my wife I don't think has turned the corner so to speak. She has been in the military for years and has had lesbian friends. Even before we dated my wife used to get hit on by them. She would just be polite and turn them down. I asked about it. She said so what if they want me I don't swing that way but they are good people and I don't mind being friends with them.

 

But as many texts she has been getting back and forth I also wonder if this chick is fueling her desire for freedom and independence. Doesn't really matter just venting a bit since my wife has never mentioned this girls name.

 

Also one other man is on the list she calls a lot the past three or four months. The first guy doesn't get as many calls and texts now. Maybe like they had a seven or eight month fling and things cooled but they still contact.

 

This other guy now gets the phne calls and texts not in the same frequency but still late night calls texts. He works where she does. His phone carrier is Century Link. Now the strange thing is there is a number I can not identify but it is a century link line and also gets the late night calls texts. As a matter of fact she called that number this morning at 630am. She also sent and received like 10 texts to the woman this morning. Guess they are talking about the text messages.

 

 

Have a question If the wife comes home this weekend to help prep the house for the appraiser. I will act polite etc. keep my recorder on. But what if she brings up the phone calls and starts wanting to know who is feeding me information?

 

Do I just say lets get this work done? Or do I just say it is unimportant and does not matter? I want to say that and also tell her it is really sad that on many nights while out of town she would call me talk four or five minutes and say she is going to bed and then be on the phone with him for an hour or two. And also about her and him calling each other at five or six in the morning for a few minutes. She quit calling me in the mornings about a year ago. Just figured she just busy with her big important job. Also the fact that some days while out of town she would call me once or twice for about five or six minutes be talk to him three or four times in a day thirty minutes to an hour or more.

 

I guess I just want her to know she has been so deceitful. All that time I was sitting there trying to wonder how to fix us as we drifted apart, but not knowing how and she was spending her time talking to another man. I am sure she will say they were just friends BS. Not sure how to answer that. Even if it wasn't a physical affair but an emotional one she still deceived me and would not talk to me about us but spent her time talking to another and now here we are getting divorced. Any thoughts

 

Jeff, this is all looking backwards at a time your view should be forward. You know everything you need to know - she's checked out of the marriage, had one or more new relationships and is clearly pursuing goals incompatible with yours. That knowledge in hand, who, what, when and how many times really doesn't matter.

 

If and when she comes over, be polite, pleasant and reserved. Decline to participate in any marital post mortem, the body is buried. Tell her you're moving on, suggest she do the same...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Marc878]

Your ordeal won't be an easy one. It will take awhile for your heart to sync up to your brain and realize who and what your wife has become. She will never comprehend what she's done since she's not on the receiving end of this.

 

If you ignore the obvious it will only prolong your stay in limbo hell which many end up doing. Sometimes wasting years of their life on something that will never be.

 

Sorry man but she's been gone a long time. If you were wanting to try and salvage this perhaps the only way would be full exposure to all her/his family, friends, work without warning. It may wake her up but it's about the only weapon you have. Unless she comes clean and has full remourse but I doubt that'll happen. Exposure won't push her away she's already gone.

[Jeff1690]

No there will be no salvage of this marriage. I know she is gone. I know she has checked out a long time ago, a year or year and a half. Today I just organized all the calls and texts by names numbers minutes dates. The seeing the month of march last year she talked to this guy over 1000 minutes plus texts. Once organized it is so painful to see.

 

I am going to move forward. I guess just part of me would like an explanation that of course will be full of lies. I don't think she realizes what all I really do know. I can tell you this, after my text to her yesterday she has been burning up the phone with the chick, and the one number I can not get owner on. I am thinking it is a burner phone. She started at 6am making calls and texts.

 

Have not heard a word from her. Still don't know if she is showing or not. Almost don't care. I would also love to have the confession just in case things get nasty and it goes from uncontested divorce to lawyers getting involved.

 

I told a friend about this site and the NC rule and how much better it made me feel and how I was looking forward. I think I needed to send her that text just so she knows I am not a fool, and doesn't walk away thinking she got away with it (I know a bit childish) but because of our sons I will have to be involved one way or the other with her for the rest of my life. I just want her to know I know how ****ty she turned on me.

 

I don't know if having made contact with or all the information I have has me down today. But NC is a blessing. Now if she does show this weekend I am going to try to get that confession on record. But, I will not beg, cry, or belittle myself to get it. I truly realize despite our great interaction the other day she is not my wife of old, and the one I considered my best friend. I don't care if she crawls to me begging for forgiveness one day. I will never trust her again.

[Marc878]

IMO for closure on this I'd expose to certain family members etc. Cheaters lie a lot and she will blameshift everything on you. She has played you for a fool long enough.

 

I would inform the kids in a sanitized way. They are old enough to know the truth. Never lie or hide the truth from your kids. They sometimes will blame themselves. They aren't stupid. A good friend of mine tried to hide the truth from his kids. Come to find out his X was having other man over and convinced them not to tell him. Caused huge emotional problems.

 

They are part of the family too and will be going through the divorce along with you.

 

Your are wise to just end this ASAP. Cut all unnessecary contact and move on with your life.

 

She's in the land of unicorns, fairytales and golden rainbows. Wake her azz up a bit.

[Marc878]

Change the password on your phone bill access.

[PegNosePete]

Do I just say lets get this work done? Or do I just say it is unimportant and does not matter?

Yes, both of these. Don't talk about it because it's completely irrelevant at this point. Nothing good will come of it. It will just start an argument which doesn't help anyone, not you and not her and not the neighbours. Just say you're there to get a job done so let's get on with it.

 

I guess I just want her to know she has been so deceitful.

Believe me, she knows. Although I'm sure she would justify it in a million different ways, they always do. Starting a big fight about it - because it will turn into a big fight - will achieve nothing.

[The_Onceler]

I guess I just want her to know she has been so deceitful.

 

I so TOTALLY hear you on this.

 

Still, as others have said, the pain you will likely feel as each new truth is revealed will likely outweigh the satisfaction you will feel from piling on to her guilt. And this has also been said: she knows. She so totally knows what a sh_t she has been to you. I found myself in a similar spot, and I followed my instinct to dig and dig and to force her to admit that she was horrible. Was I successful? Well, define success. Yes, I learned more and more of the ugly truth, and yes, she increasingly had to admit to BOTH of us that she had been a real sh_t, but in the final analysis, neither of us was better off.

 

I mean, in the end, does it matter if ones spouse had an affair with one person, or 10, or 20? I would stipulate that their *is* a difference between 1 and 10, but at some point, additional information only hurts you more with no upside.

 

And as I went through the process, trying to sleuth my way to the truth, she fought tooth and nail, attempting to concoct any rationale that might deflect me from my inquiry without having to admit the truth. In the end, I found that she was not so much trying to deceive me at that point - she was trying primarily to hang on to her own sense of worth. With each additional admission, she herself was diminished in her own eyes. She desperately wanted to avoid that, given that she already had such a low opinion of herself, even when I was ignorant of everything.

 

Does that make sense?

[Mr. Lucky]

It will just start an argument which doesn't help anyone, not you and not her and not the neighbours.

 

Also add the police, which WS have been known to call in an attempt to justify their actions by tagging you as an abuser...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Jeff1690]

Thanks guys. You all have been so right about the more you dig the truth you find the harder it gets. Right now as many of you have said what does it matter, you have the facts why do I need more.

 

I have stopped digging. Why, last night I could not sleep even took a sleeping pill. Just kept looking at the information. The one I looked at most was a phone log from Feb. of last year where I found my first evidence over 1300 minutes of phone conversation to this guy in one month not counting texts. This was not even the biggest month. She talked to him more on the phone in one month than she has to me in a year and a half. and this went on for months.

 

I think when she comes home if she starts asking who is giving me information again. I am just going to tell her she is talking about the wrong thing. I am going to just I have the facts and that is all that matters. I will then tell her that after 22 out of 23 years of a good marriage I deserve the truth from her on lips of who and why, not just what I have found out. Then I will say nothing else.

 

If she tells me the truth fine. I would like this just for closure, just to seal the end of the marriage. Seeing and hearing her say that in person will most definitely crush any thoughts of our love. Yes I have the facts but it is like watching a video of something horrible and actually being there for it. If you have ever been in a firefight and done horrible things you will know where I am coming from.

 

If she does not say anything well I will just add that to the pile of deceit. After the divorce is finalized I might just send a little evidence her way just to let her know some of what I know. After her affair partner winds up dumping her which most do that will be nice. If they wind up together they will more than likely subconsciously or consciously not trust one another because they both know one thing...they cheat.

[kgcolonel]

Well said, only you know what you want and need in this situation. Everyone is different and it is for you and you alone to decide that.

 

Please continue to post for support as we are here for you.

 

Best wishes...and we hope you do get what you need to come to grips of your sad situation. I agree, it would be nice and she does owe it to you to give you the truth, totally within your rights and are justified.

[Mr. Lucky]

If she tells me the truth fine. I would like this just for closure, just to seal the end of the marriage. Seeing and hearing her say that in person will most definitely crush any thoughts of our love. Yes I have the facts but it is like watching a video of something horrible and actually being there for it. If you have ever been in a firefight and done horrible things you will know where I am coming from.

 

If she does not say anything well I will just add that to the pile of deceit. After the divorce is finalized I might just send a little evidence her way just to let her know some of what I know. After her affair partner winds up dumping her which most do that will be nice. If they wind up together they will more than likely subconsciously or consciously not trust one another because they both know one thing...they cheat.

 

You didn't add the most likely third scenario - she'll talk but it will be more rationalization, spin and lies.

 

Best of luck to you. Remember - cool, calm and confident. This too shall pass...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Marc878]

Don't ever back up from what you now know. I suspect all you will ever get from her is lies and blameshifting. It's tough to rationalize who she is from who you thought she was. Once that does sync in you'll be an,e to move on quicker.

 

The one thing. There are better out there.

 

I would beg the reason she moved there was to be wit other man.

[Jeff1690]

Just love it. I think she thinks she is cutting me off and going to make me feel guilty again. After releasing the little slivers of knowledge I have she has made no contact for two days until this afternoon to say the appraiser called. I responded and asked her how many storage tubs she thinks we will need. 0 response also 0 phone activity except the morning after I dropped the dime I knew what she had been doing for a year.

 

She texted three or four people that I don't know (got their names never met or mentioned them to me) and her boyfriend. All texts went out in 15minutes. I guess she feels like she is going dark so I can't track her call and texting anymore. Probably using work cell now. Shame is I don't need that data anymore, I have a years worth.

 

We will see if she comes back to town tomorrow to help out with the house. If she does I guess it will get interesting.

[Marc878]

It's time for a hard 180. IMO exposure time as well. I'd let that cat out of the bag. No warning!!! Let them deal with the fallout.

 

Nothing like a little justice in the world.

[Jeff1690]

Marc l have told all my family members. Really felt shameful considering mine is the first divorce in family memory. All my family loves her to death. Her family are a bunch of white trash rednecks from Mississippi. Business as usual for them. Funny things her disgust for her family was one of the reasons she joined the military and left it all behind. But, looks like the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

 

She has never felt comfortable around my family. When first married she couldn't understand why everyone was hugging her and welcoming her into the family. I told her this is what family is about. I think subconsciously she could not separate how backstabbing her family is and that all these folks in mine were not looking to screw her over in some way.

[Marc878]

Marc l have told all my family members. Really felt shameful considering mine is the first divorce in family memory. All my family loves her to death. Her family are a bunch of white trash rednecks from Mississippi. Business as usual for them. Funny things her disgust for her family was one of the reasons she joined the military and left it all behind. But, looks like the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

 

She has never felt comfortable around my family. When first married she couldn't understand why everyone was hugging her and welcoming her into the family. I told her this is what family is about. I think subconsciously she could not separate how backstabbing her family is and that all these folks in mine were not looking to screw her over in some way.

 

Most people in your situation feel this. I think it's normal but not realistic. You did nothing to deserve this. Glad you got it off your chest. IMO it never helps to hide their affair. It always comes out anyway.

 

People who know you will get it believe me. How old are your kids?

[Marc878]

FOO issues sometimes surface even years later. Seems like this maybe the case but not having family time and working away from home are contributing factors as well. Not to mention she's turned into her forties. But still just excuses nothing justifies it.

 

Sorry you're here man but you can't fix her and LTA's are usually deal breakers.

 

You will find a hard 180 will help you immensely also tough to stick to.

 

Good luck

[Marc878]

Pretty sad. So in the end she turned out just like what she came from.

 

The thing you have to realize is you'll come out of this OK. Scarred but better than most in your situation.

 

Although it won't feel like it at the present. Your kids are older so you can go completely dark on her and make your life into what you want. Once you realize this is completely over. Many will languish in limbo hoping beyond hope they can maybe salvage the marriage but she killed it. Trying to live with something like this can be total hell.

 

The ones that come out of these situations best get strong and stay there. The thing is you're in a position you can totally purge her from your life and move on quickly.

 

There are better out there than this.

[Jeff1690]

Yes Marc I am totally going to not let her actions dictate my life. I am a fighter and now I am pissed. Had ACL surgery 5 months ago and could not work out. Gained 20lbs. First time in my life I have had a gut hanging over my belt. Got the OK to start working out again. Down 14lbs. My youngest came back in town last night and said "Damn dad you are getting bulked up again and have lost the gut"

 

That was a great thing to hear. That means to me when the wife comes home today, if she does. She will notice. My sons both do crossfit and have teased the crap out me for gaining weight. For the young one to say what he did I know I am looking better. Yeah I can see it in the mirror but it helps to hear another confirm.

 

I also make sure that when the wife does come home I am dressed nice. Have not been wearing the old tshirt and gym shorts and flip flops like I used to. So when she comes home I usually wear a nice polo and a pair of Khakis or nice shorts.

 

Nope this is not to impress her. But to make her wonder why suddenly I am dressing like I used to when we would go out. I am a slob at home but when I am with her going out I always dressed nice. She has mentioned it the last two times she came home. "Where are you going? Why are you dressed so nice?" I just told her getting on with life. She wanted to know what that meant. So I just say I don't intend to lay around and cry like a 16 year old girl because she has destroyed my life. Got a new life to build. She did not like that.

[Jeff1690]

Forgot to add last night I was in the shower and my 20 year old got on my computer to look up some stuff. My files on the OM were up on the screen. So that was an interesting conversation when I came back down to my office.

 

I have asked him not to say anything to his mother until the divorce is final. I don't want her thinking I am trying to turn our sons against her and have this go from uncontested to a ton of legal divorce fees. I want my buy out so I can build my cabin and be debt free.

 

He is a smart kid and understands. He has always had a rocky relationship with her. Ever since he was about 15 he has told her she chooses her career over being with us. Maybe we should all pay attention to what our children identify in our relationships.

 

One of the things he said after I asked him not to say anything was. Well she is the one who always pounded into us loyalty and integrity. She has made a choice for another man, and to spend all her time down south in her new little world she can have it, I am done with her.

 

I have told him that what has occurred between his mother and I is between us. I have told him to forgive his mother and try to rebuild his relationship with her. He loves his mother and is proud of her military service and all she has accomplished but has always resented that in the last 6 years or so that is all she focuses on. He wants the mother back that she used to be. She was at one time before going back into the military the most fantastic mom a kid could ask for.

 

It is almost 11am and the wife still has not shown up. who knows when or if she will to help out around the house.

Edited July 30, 2016 by Jeff1690