Wife of almost 23 years wants divorce [updated]

[Marc878]

You have an excellent mindset around this. look at it as a new beginning that you have total control over.

 

IMO once a marriage is destroyed its not worth revisiting. Even if she would come back you were and are nothing but a plan B. That's not to say you can't get some closure or satisfaction from looking good and letting someone else get the benefit of what you have to offer.

 

I would set the boundaries with her concerning no contact, none of the lets be friends bull***** (which only benefits her not you). Your kids are grown so in reality you never have to see her again. That'll be hard upfront but it's best for you and your future.

 

You've started out well by finding the truth now finish the job and never look back.

[Marc878]

Forgot to add last night I was in the shower and my 20 year old got on my computer to look up some stuff. My files on the OM were up on the screen. So that was an interesting conversation when I came back down to my office.

 

I have asked him not to say anything to his mother until the divorce is final. I don't want her thinking I am trying to turn our sons against her and have this go from uncontested to a ton of legal divorce fees. I want my buy out so I can build my cabin and be debt free.

 

He is a smart kid and understands. He has always had a rocky relationship with her. Ever since he was about 15 he has told her she chooses her career over being with us. Maybe we should all pay attention to what our children identify in our relationships.

 

One of the things he said after I asked him not to say anything was. Well she is the one who always pounded into us loyalty and integrity. She has made a choice for another man, and to spend all her time down south in her new little world she can have it, I am done with her.

 

I have told him that what has occurred between his mother and I is between us. I have told him to forgive his mother and try to rebuild his relationship with her. He loves his mother and is proud of her military service and all she has accomplished but has always resented that in the last 6 years or so that is all she focuses on. He wants the mother back that she used to be. She was at one time before going back into the military the most fantastic mom a kid could ask for.

 

It is almost 11am and the wife still has not shown up. who knows when or if she will to help out around the house.

 

Unfortunately the true reality is she left you and the kids. I hear what you're saying but a great mother would never leave her kids behind. I think you are still in a bit of denial on this part.

 

No matter what the children are always a part of the divorce because they are a part of the family. The truth is always the best path.

[CarrieT]

She has mentioned it the last two times she came home. "Where are you going? Why are you dressed so nice?" I just told her getting on with life. She wanted to know what that meant. So I just say I don't intend to lay around and cry like a 16 year old girl because she has destroyed my life. Got a new life to build. She did not like that.

 

Jeff, please get that phrase that I made bold out of your head. You cannot acknowledge to her that she has the kind of power you are giving her in believing that her actions DESTROYED your life.

 

Yes, her actions DESTROYED your collective marriage and relationship, but your life is yours and you will be surprised how fulfilling it will become as you restart it afresh with new insight and fortitude.

 

There are a number of threads here from people who have survived and moved on after have multi-decades-long relationships ended by affairs. But when you see her, remember to not say anything to her about what she has done to YOU, personally. Your marriage and life together, yes. As a collective unit... But not YOU.

[Marc878]

^^^^^^ well said. You don't need her in your life. With your mindset you're going to be fine. There are better out there without FOO issues and all this dirty baggage.

 

Plot your own course in life. You didn't need her before you met her did you?

[Marc878]

You should be prepared for the full "cheaters script"

 

It's all your fault, you didn't pay enough attention, you left the commode seat up on February 12, 2010, etc, etc, etc. pretty much any BS they can lay on you.

 

It was just a mistake!!! Nope an affair is always a conscious decision that was made. It just doesn't happen.

 

My favorite all time. You "invaded my privacy" to cheat????

 

This isn't anyone else's business so don't tell anyone!!!! So you are expected to help hide her affair???? Really????

 

Yep, you'll be amazed at the total BS coming at you to justify everything.

[Marc878]

The real kicker in all of this was she thought she was smarter than you and would be able to get what she wanted without anyone finding out.

 

It must have been a rude awakening to wake up to the reality of everyone now knowing who and what she's become.

 

SURPRISE!!!!!!

[Jeff1690]

Well the wife did not show today to help with the house. So I kept busy and fixed up the yard and cleaned up a bit. At around 5pm I went to some friends for a cookout. I didn't want to be at the house in case she showed up late. I figured she did not show because she probably was going to expect an explanation about her infidelity now that I let the cat out of the bag. So I went to the movies.

 

I drove by her best friends house (boyfriend's sister) and her Jeep was there. Got home around 930 and the garage light was on. On the desk was a letter with an envelope underneath that said please read and if everything is okay with you we will get it notarized Monday. She also stated she would be by tomorrow to and help with the house.

 

Well it was divorce papers. Everything that we had discussed about the splitting of finances and were in there and correct. So I suppose her response to being found out was to drop off the papers and file the uncontested divorce papers which I did not sign.

 

We had a verbal agreement which I recorded that said we would continue as is until the house was refinanced and I got my money and put the cabin up. I would continue to live here until it was done. Then we would sit down close out bank accounts etc.

 

So everything is not fine. IF the divorce goes through (takes 6-12 weeks) and I have not finished the cabin and we are divorced I am stuck without a place to live because she could then kick me out.

 

So tomorrow I am not going to bring anything about the affair up. But, I am gonna tell her my lawyer will have to read this and that the problem I have is about living arraignment. She has a school to go to starting next week so she will be gone (as usual) for two weeks or so. I am going to bring up our agreement about the bills and waiting till the cabin goes up.

 

I think this is her way of not wanting to fess up. I am sure her friends or boyfriend egged her on to hit me like this. She hasn't got this figured out that she is over a year into her new fantasy life and I am only six or seven weeks into dealing with it.

 

So I am gonna have to be cordial. The paper work and finance stuff is what we agreed to...except living arraignment and waiting till the cabin was done. I know it is gonna be a tough not getting upset and telling her I am glad she has become exactly like her family with the betrayal. So hopefully if I remain calm and business like she will not push things until I can get things started and the house is refinanced.

 

I will have no forwarding address for bills etc. and I sure as hell am not going to move until I am ready. Wish me luck.

[Marc878]

I wouldn't go as far as cordial. Civil and short. She doesn't deserve anything more than that.

 

You are correct sign nothing until you are satisfied. She's been planning this and is way ahead of you.

 

The only thing she didn't plan on was you finding out all the dirty details.

 

Word will be out soon. You can't keep this quiet for long but it is what it is. Let her deal with it.

 

After it's over make sure both your kids know the sanitized version.

 

The truth is always best. You didn't deserve this but now you get to deal with it.

 

IMO I would tell her once the divorce is finished they'll be a no contact in place.

 

Bank on the "can't we be friends" thing to make her feel better.

 

She can't/won't see your side of the betrayal since she isn't on the receiving end of this.

Edited July 31, 2016 by Marc878

[Marc878]

 

We had a verbal agreement which I recorded that said we would continue as is until the house was refinanced and I got my money and put the cabin up. I would continue to live here until it was done. Then we would sit down close out bank accounts etc.

 

So everything is not fine. IF the divorce goes through (takes 6-12 weeks) and I have not finished the cabin and we are divorced I am stuck without a place to live because she could then kick me out.

 

So tomorrow I am not going to bring anything about the affair up. But, I am gonna tell her my lawyer will have to read this and that the problem I have is about living arraignment. She has a school to go to starting next week so she will be gone (as usual) for two weeks or so. I am going to bring up our agreement about the bills and waiting till the cabin goes up.

 

So I am gonna have to be cordial. The paper work and finance stuff is what we agreed to...except living arraignment and waiting till the cabin was done. I know it is gonna be a tough not getting upset and telling her I am glad she has become exactly like her family with the betrayal. So hopefully if I remain calm and business like she will not push things until I can get things started and the house is refinanced.

 

I will have no forwarding address for bills etc. and I sure as hell am not going to move until I am ready. Wish me luck.

 

The one thing you've learned is she's a proven liar so you can't trust anything.

 

Better have it all in writing. Don't budge on this.

 

It's your time now. She's been playing you for quite awhile.

[Marc878]

This has got to be tough on you. How are you holding up?

 

Sorry man

[Jeff1690]

Quite frankly when were having a talk and I was telling her we should get some MC and she said no one is going to make me fall back in love with you I knew it was game over. At the time I thought the past sexual abuse as a child, PTSD and menopause were fueling all of this. I realized she had made the decision long ago without me and knew it was over. But felt that maybe over time after she got some counseling for the above it might all come back.

 

Then I followed the advice to dig and discovered hey it all might be part of the above but she betrayed me. It was at that point I decided I am going to live my life to the fullest without waiting around for her. When I take my road trips on the Harley across the US and Canada and visit places overseas she will know. She is still pumping the boys for info about what I have been up to.

 

I know this because she let it slip when she came home one day wanting to know about whose cook outs and about my trips I was going on. I told my sons they have my permission to tell her anything I do. Why? Because the more I do the more I live it will frustrate the hell out of her that I am not still that guy who would do anything and everything for her. I will be a new man. I think she has always relished having a husband like that, but I guess decided that was to plain and simple and she wanted to spice things up with having sex with another man. She will regret her decision.

 

On the holding up side. I guess the biggest issue is the confusion and suddenness that this has happened. As you said in one of your posts Marc it is gonna take some time to get the mind synced with reality of the situation. I am hurt, broken, confused and angry. But even though I might be down on the mat I am not beaten and will get back up. My knock out punch to her is getting back into prime physical condition, being debt free, and enjoying my life.

 

Through my sons I know they will show her pictures of me doing things just because every time one of us has gone somewhere they love to show pictures of what is going on with either me or her.

 

Hell I know quite a few 18-20 year old hot chicks who would jump at the chance for an overseas trip no strings attached except that they have to pose for some pictures with me then they can do their things while we are there. Would love to see the wife's face when she sees a picture of me and a large breasted 20 something on a beach in New Zealand.

 

Of course then again I just may actually find a beautiful hot 35-40 something woman who is interested in me and the pictures won't be fake but for real. Yeah I know a bit childish fantasy about taking the 20 somethings for a trip for photo ops but I just keep thinking of her realizing what she lost and another woman is gaining. I am not bragging but I know I not an ugly guy. Before the weight gain I have often had good looking women hit on me. But, my heart was set on my wife so I never took the bait.

[Marc878]

It would appear she's a cake eater. Doesn't mind cheating but can't stand the thoughts of you stepping out. Take the high road on this and wait til the divorce is final. You don't need a rebound relationship. It will be a dangerous time for you.

 

Good men are hard to find. You'll understand this once everything is settled. Be careful when that time comes. Watch out for FOO issues like you've just experienced.

 

If you have social media like Facebook block them all now. Start the process. I'd have your family to the same. Once the divorce is final block the phone etc. you'll have no more reason to be in contact. You can't see it now but the more distance you put between her the quicker you'll move on. Silenced is golden in these situations. You want to live your life for you not to impress her. Believe me once the fantasy of the affair ends and they all do that will be enough.

Edited July 31, 2016 by Marc878

[Raul42]

Jeff, sounds like you and I are on the same journey. My wife of 14 years informed 2 months ago that she is not in love with me and is moving out. I asked if they're is someone else and she denied it. I always respected her privacy. But my gut told me to get her phone and found out she was having an EA. Texts back and forth with I love you babe. She still denied affair said it was only a friend. Well I exposed the affair to her family. She is very close with her family. She denied it. Eventually people saw her with someone which she stayed away from her family. She has been very angry and aggressive with me for exposing her EA. She is in the process of filing. She moved out and now has an apartment. At first I made all the mistakes like pleading, sending flowers and calling her to come home. She left our 2 daughters with me since I'm a great father. After discovering Divorce Remedy book, I decided to do a 180 for me of course. She is now somewhat talking to me, but still wants a divorce. Like your wife, my wife also suffered sexual abuse as a child. Never received therapy. Read up on and it described how my wife is acting out.

 

I would say it's safe to say that she is involved with someone. I also couldn't find nothing on my wife, on any social media. It was her locked phone where I found out. No my daughters have confirmed her affair when they go over to her apartment and hear her conversations. Now I tell them not to easedrop and to not tell me anything regarding their mother's phone conversations.

 

Check out the book, the Divorce Remedy. It's a good way to start on working on your self and possibly marriage.

 

Good luck brother.

[Marc878]

Jeff, sounds like you and I are on the same journey. My wife of 14 years informed 2 months ago that she is not in love with me and is moving out. I asked if they're is someone else and she denied it. I always respected her privacy. But my gut told me to get her phone and found out she was having an EA. Texts back and forth with I love you babe. She still denied affair said it was only a friend. Well I exposed the affair to her family. She is very close with her family. She denied it. Eventually people saw her with someone which she stayed away from her family. She has been very angry and aggressive with me for exposing her EA. She is in the process of filing. She moved out and now has an apartment. At first I made all the mistakes like pleading, sending flowers and calling her to come home. She left our 2 daughters with me since I'm a great father.After discovering Divorce Remedy book, I decided to do a 180 for me of course. She is now somewhat talking to me, but still wants a divorce. Like your wife, my wife also suffered sexual abuse as a child. Never received therapy. Read up on and it described how my wife is acting out.

 

I would say it's safe to say that she is involved with someone. I also couldn't find nothing on my wife, on any social media. It was her locked phone where I found out. No my daughters have confirmed her affair when they go over to her apartment and hear her conversations. Now I tell them not to easedrop and to not tell me anything regarding their mother's phone conversations.

 

Check out the book, the Divorce Remedy. It's a good way to start on working on your self and possibly marriage.

 

Good luck brother.

 

My friend she left the kids with you so she could spend more time with her lover.

 

It's not an EA. Its a physical affair. Your are in shock and denial of what's really going on. There is no excuse for cheating. It's a decision she made willfully and consciously. All cheaters lie, hide and deny a lot. It's their mantra.

[Raul42]

Marc,

It's an emotional affair which can or has been sexual. She detached from me emotionally and is now "in love" with someone else. If it was just physical, she might have not left since there's no emotions involved just sex and might not give up family easily.

 

Of course she is spending time with her lover. And yes, I'm a good father too. I practically raised our 2 daughters, she works long hours. But since the affair, I'm sure some were with him.

 

I agree that cheating is wrong and it is conscious decision. But it's my belief, and not trying to defend her decision but possibly comprehend that her not telling anyone about her sexual abuse may have some affect on this.

[Marc878]

You can do to much in a marriage. A lot get taken advantage of and then lose all respect. Read "No More Mr Nice Guy" free download. You can't fix her only yourself. Separation is usually for two purposes. Prep for divorce or more time with other man. Take control of your life.

 

Women for the most part have to be emotionally attached to have sex. No matter how you slice or dice it she's having and been having a physical affair.

Edited July 31, 2016 by Marc878

[standtall]

I highly recommend as many facebook post with as many big breasted 25 yr old's that you can. You deserve to do what makes you happy...if that includes five back to back meaningless, sex only relationships ....go for it (just be honest with the ladies about what it is).Your ex keeps tabs on you for several reasons. She knows that when you get in another relationship, that she will lose her control over you and her backup plan(you). Help her along with what she is afraid of and go have some fun.

[Mr. Lucky]

Hell I know quite a few 18-20 year old hot chicks who would jump at the chance for an overseas trip no strings attached except that they have to pose for some pictures with me then they can do their things while we are there. Would love to see the wife's face when she sees a picture of me and a large breasted 20 something on a beach in New Zealand.

 

Make the future about you, not her. And be with a fine-looking woman for the look it puts on your face, not your ex's ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Marc878]

How are you holding up?

[turnera]

We are doing what is called here a uncontested divorce. Still don't want it. Her offering to give me the money in the bank, the house. When I told her I couldn't afford the house ( I could but then half my pay would go to it) it will be paid off in 6 years (we have made double payments) she even offered to make the house payments for me. Not wanting the divorce and knowing what all she is going through with the PTSD, sexual abuse (as a child), and menopause I clearly can see she isn't making sane decisions.

 

She is hell bent on this so I have given up trying. We went to the bank this week and did the paper work for the house to be put in her name. I will get a large chunk of change and 8 acres of land out in the county that sits on a beautiful creek we own.

 

I fully intend to be debt free when this is over. I have told her I will not sign the final papers until my cabin is built, and I am not leaving the house. If she wants to come home after her 3.5 day work out of town each week fine. If she doesn't she can stay at the apartment down south.

 

I still don't want this. Still no proof of cheating yet. But after reading a ton of these post I am truly leaning that way. Of course after talking to a counselor friend of mine who deals with sex abuse victims he says many of her actions are text book for what she is doing.

 

**** is blowing my mind. So many great years. But, I can't make her do **** it is up to her. If she comes back after this is over there are going to be a lot of stipulations. Counseling for the PTSD and sexual abuse. Plus even if I don't find out now that she is cheating it will all come out in the long run. If it does come out after the divorce chances are as with most affair relationships it will end. Then I can see her looking back on what a great marriage we had and come back asking to give it another go. If that is the case she will get a polite middle finger and I will tell her to go find another guy to use.

Here's the bottom line. When women cheat., they think they are moving on to something 'better,' meaning it gets their heart racing. They're too ignorant to realize it's just PEA chemicals (look it up) making them think they're 'in love.' No, it's just a chemical in their body making them feel 'high.'

 

If she's giving you everything in the divorce so she can 'run away' with her lover, who will ditch her in heartbeat, let her. Take it all. Let her give you everything so that she can 'run away' with her true love.

 

Eventually, her fantasy will collapse, and she will have nothing. And then you'll hear from her again, wanting to reconcile.

 

THEN, you will hold all the cards and you can dictate what she will have to do to try to earn you back.

[Tonofbricks]

Here's the bottom line. When women cheat., they think they are moving on to something 'better,' meaning it gets their heart racing. They're too ignorant to realize it's just PEA chemicals (look it up) making them think they're 'in love.' No, it's just a chemical in their body making them feel 'high.'

 

If she's giving you everything in the divorce so she can 'run away' with her lover, who will ditch her in heartbeat, let her. Take it all. Let her give you everything so that she can 'run away' with her true love.

 

Eventually, her fantasy will collapse, and she will have nothing. And then you'll hear from her again, wanting to reconcile.

 

THEN, you will hold all the cards and you can dictate what she will have to do to try to earn you back.

 

Don't mean to hijack ... But how often does this senario above happen with affair relationships?

[elaine567]

An exit affair is what it says on the tin an EXIT affair.

Someone wants to leave a marriage, but they are too scared to do it, along comes a likely candidate and they hitch their wagon to them and they then have the courage to leave.

It doesn't need to be the love story of the century, they just need somebody to support them whilst they leave their marriage and gain their freedom.

So whilst the deserted spouse may feel Karma visited when the new relationship goes down the tube, they can fail to realise that their spouse was not actually looking for another love ever lasting, they just wanted someone to hold their hand whilst they left their unhappy marriage.

That intermediate person is called "a bridge" and they can often get dumped quite easily once the divorce is finalised and the divorced person finds their feet again.

 

Holding your breath, waiting for her to eat humble pie, and want to reconcile, may be a forlorn hope.

Edited August 1, 2016 by elaine567
typo

[kgcolonel]

Jeff

 

I am very sorry you're having to deal with this misery! It sounds really torturous. Something just strikes me as odd.

 

I remember you saying that you both got out of the military service but since she took a job (down south) back in the military, is this correct?

 

She is, IMO going overboard to ensure that you're whole financially post divorce. One reason as most have assumed is that she has some heart left however, if the above is true and understanding that she does earn more than you, can she realistically absorb all the joint debt and live comfortably? I wonder if there was more to that position than 'heart" or "guilt". I understand that there is a military standard / law against infidelity, would this apply to her current position? You may hold more power than you realize....just a thought.

[Jeff1690]

Jeff

 

I am very sorry you're having to deal with this misery! It sounds really torturous. Something just strikes me as odd.

 

I remember you saying that you both got out of the military service but since she took a job (down south) back in the military, is this correct?

 

She is, IMO going overboard to ensure that you're whole financially post divorce. One reason as most have assumed is that she has some heart left however, if the above is true and understanding that she does earn more than you, can she realistically absorb all the joint debt and live comfortably? I wonder if there was more to that position than 'heart" or "guilt". I understand that there is a military standard / law against infidelity, would this apply to her current position? You may hold more power than you realize....just a thought.

 

Yes there is but it is rarely enforced.

[Marc878]

You holding up ok?