Wife of almost 23 years wants divorce [updated]

[Marc878]

She wants her kids to think mom and dad just did this because mom doesn't love dad anymore, not that she cheated and is screwing me over money wise. The youngest knows and if the oldest finds out she is going to find herself a very lonely mother for quite sometime.

 

We shall see. I am over my anger fit. But will talk to her civilly again if she sits down when she comes back and tells the truth. If not I will tell her I don't want to hear the lies and call me when she is ready and leave.

 

If???? Never hide or lie to the kids. The truth always

[road]

I have been following but not posted for everything has been covered well.

Though I have to add this. Typical WW story where the WW has a gets a high paying job or already has one.

 

 

They justify the affair in their mind because they only see $$ signs thinking only if I had a man that was pulling in big money like I am. Damn, life would be so sweet with both of our high incomes.

 

 

How come men in reverse situations do not do this?

[Jeff1690]

I have been following but not posted for everything has been covered well.

Though I have to add this. Typical WW story where the WW has a gets a high paying job or already has one.

 

 

They justify the affair in their mind because they only see $$ signs thinking only if I had a man that was pulling in big money like I am. Damn, life would be so sweet with both of our high incomes.

 

 

How come men in reverse situations do not do this?

 

I am sure there are plenty of men who do it. What is sad is that during the first half of our marriage I was the bread winner. She even quit a big paying job to stay at home with the kids for five years. Never once did I say what she has been saying to me the past year, "I pay for all this. I make the money."

 

What is even sadder is that back then I worked three jobs 80-90 hours a week for over four years and paid off our first house, bought and paid off a Camry for her and all our other bills. We were debt free for the next five years. When she went back into the military. Life was really good. As a family we took tons of trips, paying cash, bought things always paid cash.

 

When she came back from Iraq she wanted a new big house. My grandmother left me $10K and I used it to buy 10 acres. We had a friend that was a contractor build our house for us at cost. I told the wife with what she was making now we could live off my checks and payoff the new house in two and a half years with her checks.

 

Her reply...No I am not going through that again. Went and bought a $55K Jeep Cherokee Overland. Didn't argue much she had just got back from deployment (I have been there done that) thought well she wants some instant gratification. She put a lot down on it and all we had was the house payment and her new Jeep payment. By the way I drove the same Jeep Wrangler for 15 years of our marriage until giving it to my son five years ago. Besides having a used Harley I drive on old truck. Don't care much what I drive as long as I have a nice Harley lol.

 

Now here I sit with bills I didn't know I had, a cabin to build, a wife who has cheated on me, spent money on things the past year that could have made life so much easier or in fact paid off all those things she was supposed to instead making just extra payments.

 

Yesterday was a really rough day after doing the financial digging. I hated texting her,calling her about the financial stuff, and even having to shape up the house for the appraiser with her because I had quit digging for info, quit texting and calling her done the complete 180 and was feeling so much better.

 

Yesterday I also went out t my land to do some more clearing and try to clear my mind. My 72 year old dad has come to stay with me a bit, we are really close. I actually was so angry and sad thinking of all the stuff I am going to have to do and pay for that if my wife had not been spending all that money I could have used it to pay someone to do a lot of the really hard stuff (not to mention repairs needed on our current house she has bitched about).

 

Hell I broke down and really cried for the first time in front of my dad. He is an old Viet Nam vet and it was really shameful to do that in front of him. He has never been the kind of man that shows a lot of emotion and neither am I. But all he did was wrap his arms around me and tell me I have been in battle came back, got sound moved on and that this was a new battle I would win again. You know he is right it is a new battle. Sad thing is I don't have all the tools and training yet to figure it all out. But I am gonna win.

[DKT3]

I am sure there are plenty of men who do it. What is sad is that during the first half of our marriage I was the bread winner. She even quit a big paying job to stay at home with the kids for five years. Never once did I say what she has been saying to me the past year, "I pay for all this. I make the money."

 

What is even sadder is that back then I worked three jobs 80-90 hours a week for over four years and paid off our first house, bought and paid off a Camry for her and all our other bills. We were debt free for the next five years. When she went back into the military. Life was really good. As a family we took tons of trips, paying cash, bought things always paid cash.

 

When she came back from Iraq she wanted a new big house. My grandmother left me $10K and I used it to buy 10 acres. We had a friend that was a contractor build our house for us at cost. I told the wife with what she was making now we could live off my checks and payoff the new house in two and a half years with her checks.

 

Her reply...No I am not going through that again. Went and bought a $55K Jeep Cherokee Overland. Didn't argue much she had just got back from deployment (I have been there done that) thought well she wants some instant gratification. She put a lot down on it and all we had was the house payment and her new Jeep payment. By the way I drove the same Jeep Wrangler for 15 years of our marriage until giving it to my son five years ago. Besides having a used Harley I drive on old truck. Don't care much what I drive as long as I have a nice Harley lol.

 

Now here I sit with bills I didn't know I had, a cabin to build, a wife who has cheated on me, spent money on things the past year that could have made life so much easier or in fact paid off all those things she was supposed to instead making just extra payments.

 

Yesterday was a really rough day after doing the financial digging. I hated texting her,calling her about the financial stuff, and even having to shape up the house for the appraiser with her because I had quit digging for info, quit texting and calling her done the complete 180 and was feeling so much better.

 

Yesterday I also went out t my land to do some more clearing and try to clear my mind. My 72 year old dad has come to stay with me a bit, we are really close. I actually was so angry and sad thinking of all the stuff I am going to have to do and pay for that if my wife had not been spending all that money I could have used it to pay someone to do a lot of the really hard stuff (not to mention repairs needed on our current house she has bitched about).

 

Hell I broke down and really cried for the first time in front of my dad. He is an old Viet Nam vet and it was really shameful to do that in front of him. He has never been the kind of man that shows a lot of emotion and neither am I. But all he did was wrap his arms around me and tell me I have been in battle came back, got sound moved on and that this was a new battle I would win again. You know he is right it is a new battle. Sad thing is I don't have all the tools and training yet to figure it all out. But I am gonna win.

 

You have the tools, the problem is you haven't let go. You have to commit 100℅ to moving forward without her. It's hard trust me I know, took me 14 months.that is a long time. Looking back I have no idea how I did it.

 

Once you let go, those reasons you keep coming up with to contact her will go away

[turnera]

How come men in reverse situations do not do this?

I've seen men remove all the money to try to force the wife to come back to them. I've seen women have to take their kids to a women's shelter because the man won't give them access to money. I've seen women stuck raising the kids, going back to school, AND working full time at fast food just to get by. One thing I've almost never seen is the WH try to keep the kids.

 

Jeff, as odd as it sounds, clearing that land is probably good for you right now.

[kgcolonel]

If???? Never hide or lie to the kids. The truth always

 

Jeff, this is her mess to clean up....if it becomes a matter of you lying or covering for her misdeeds or not, I'd tell her at that point that "this is your mess to clean up, we both know what you have been doing....either you tell the kids by this date and time or i will show them the evidence of the "why you have deserted the family"".

 

Do not lie to the kids, they deserve to know who their mother is.

[Jeff1690]

I've seen men remove all the money to try to force the wife to come back to them. I've seen women have to take their kids to a women's shelter because the man won't give them access to money. I've seen women stuck raising the kids, going back to school, AND working full time at fast food just to get by. One thing I've almost never seen is the WH try to keep the kids.

 

Jeff, as odd as it sounds, clearing that land is probably good for you right now.

 

You are right about it being good for me. I work out every morning once again (had surgery few months ago off on sick leave waiting to get cleared to go back to work). The hard labor and sweat helps me clear the mind out there. Sad thing is being off on sick leave and alone in this house (sons are here sometimes but they are in college so you know they are not around much lol) at night it get's really tough. Even when going out with friends I still have to come back here and see all the pictures of the two of us and our family through the years.

 

Friends have told me to get a girlfriend. I just can't do that. I took a vow and even though she has cheated we are still married. I am ready to move on more than ever, but I am not going to be cheating and be like her. Plus if this gets nasty I don't won't to face a judge and admit that like her I was a lying, cheating deceiver. I could not look my sons in the eye and say hey mom was screwing a guy, spent all kinds of money, so I decided to screw Suzy Rotten Crotch. I raised them to treat women and their mother with respect and I must set the example.

[CarrieT]

Even when going out with friends I still have to come back here and see all the pictures of the two of us and our family through the years.

Time to put the pictures away. Move the furniture around so that it is physically a different space than what you are accustomed to. IKEA has cheap furniture - get rid of old stuff and get new stuff. Remove the triggers.

 

Y

I raised them to treat women and their mother with respect and I must set the example.

Good for you!

 

Jeff, you are doing everything right. It is just a mater of time... But there are small things you can do like redecorating until you can get out of there.

[Jeff1690]

Carrie she is getting the house. I am getting the antiques and leather living room set. So a lot of this stuff is going into my new place.

 

Funny thing I just thought about. She offered me the house and everything which I can't afford on my own when she first started this. Now digging through the financial stuff and seeing the new furniture she bought for her apartment starting last year. She planned that I would take the house she would stay down there with lover boy have her place all fixed up.

 

Now we are in the process of the refi she is getting the mortgage according to her divorce papers I am getting my pay out and a new place. So now she is going to have to maintain the place down south to live in when she goes to work and this house. Maybe there is such a thing as Karma.

[Marc878]

Jeff, this is her mess to clean up....if it becomes a matter of you lying or covering for her misdeeds or not, I'd tell her at that point that "this is your mess to clean up, we both know what you have been doing....either you tell the kids by this date and time or i will show them the evidence of the "why you have deserted the family"".

 

Do not lie to the kids, they deserve to know who their mother is.

 

Your stbxw is not just divorcing you but she's doing the same with the kids. From reading your posted she abandoned them as well. I've never once seen where hiding things from the family has a positive. In reality you become part of the deceit by helping hide it. Yeah it's a bad mess but why soil yourself in it by helping her hide her betrayal of you and the family?

[BluesPower]

I have stayed up with your post. You never deserved any of this and it is such a **** deal. I think you are being as strong as a man can be.

 

 

With my wife's affair, I cried all the time, I just could not stop and I never cry. I am really proud of the way you are handling yourself.

 

 

I don't know if your wife will ever admit what she has done, and maybe it does not matter. But, F***, I would think that at some point she would have the compassion inside her to come clean and provide some level of closure.

 

 

Wow, I guess she really went off the deep end and she really is not the woman you married.

 

 

I just want to encourage you to hang tough. Life will get better.

 

 

Also, she has to tell the children the truth, or if she is so chickens*** that she won't do it, then you have to tell them the truth.

 

 

Dude, and I mean they deserve to hear the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

 

 

I bleed for you Jeff.

[Marc878]

IN an affair nothing or no one else matters much. It's all about them and the AP.

 

Sometimes after the reality comes knocking reality sets in but I wouldn't count on it. Justification and denial rules the day.

[standtall]

Jeff1960 you sound like a man with honor and integrity. I to believe no girlfriends until the ink is dry on the papers. After that....have some fun.

[Jeff1690]

Well the wife called tonight and got a little pissy because the bank called me about the appraisal. They called her four times and she never responded she had been sitting on her job verification form.

 

I think she did that because I called her out on the financial issues of her spending thousands of dollars down south with our money instead of using it to pay for kids college and house repairs here. I really think it pissed her off that she is losing a bit of control over the flow of information that I know. I have hit her with a few things regarding our finances and she knows she is busted.

 

I think she is finally realizing I am moving on the facts are on the table and she doesn't know what all the facts I know are.

 

I recorded the conversation and it was polite and short. Well, I was a polite but I could tell by her voice she was pissed. not only because of my knowledge base of what is going on but the fact the house is being refied in her name and they are calling me. I think she sat on her job verification info to show me she thinks she is in charge. Of course the longer she waits the longer it will be till she gets her divorce of which I really want know knowing what I know.

 

She leaves for Washington this week on business trip. for over a week. By the time she gets back I intend to have my lawyer draw up papers to add to the uncontested divorce that state I can live in the house till my cabin is complete. Got my perk test and approval for septic on the land and now have an appointment with the well water guy tomorrow for quote.

 

I am hoping in two weeks I will have everything well and septic ready for foundation and when the bank writes the check I can have the shell dried in, in about a week. and then begin on the interior with several friends help.

 

I think she likes seeing me stuck in limbo dependent on her for right now. I am also starting to pack up everything that is gonna be mine and put it in my uncles warehouse. Be nice to see her face when all the antiques that I am entitled to and furniture are gone.

 

She may be in the affair fog, but seeing me be in control will not be pleasing to her. Because of the finances she has been dictating a lot. Not that I have listened to her. The favorite look I got on he face this weekend when we doing the house was she said as soon as I get the money I am to sign the paper work for he divorce to go to the court house. I told her I would sign it when my lawyer told me too.

 

I have only sent her several texts regarding her deception with the finances and how we need to sit and talk about the end goal is a clean break and also about the refi house. She has not returned the text for two days. Fine she thinks she is punishing me by not talking. But screwing herself on getting this divorce she wants. I guess she finally broke down and had to have the info. SHe asked me if I had anything I wanted to talk about, I think referring to what I know and her wanting to know. I just no, got what I needed to know and to give me a call when she gets home so I could get on with my life. Told her to have a good day and hung up before she could reply.

[Marc878]

If it were me I'd draft a nice email to your sons complete with all the phone records and other mans info. Tell them this is John Doe who your mom has been having an affair with since (date). I'm sure she'll want to introduce you to him once our divorce is finalized. (Maybe copy your close relatives as well). Copy her. It's just plain good manners.

 

A nice touch to end it all. Then block her and go completely dark permantley.

[Jeff1690]

If it were me I'd draft a nice email to your sons complete with all the phone records and other mans info. Tell them this is John Doe who your mom has been having an affair with since (date). I'm sure she'll want to introduce you to him once our divorce is finalized. (Maybe copy your close relatives as well). Copy her. It's just plain good manners.

 

A nice touch to end it all. Then block her and go completely dark permantley.

 

Marc I think I am going to save that for the very end. Maybe the day I walk into my new cabin. Give the boys the (the youngest saw the records on the 6000 minutes of phone calls in four months or so) The oldest doesn't know yet.The youngest said even if this is all you have the one month she talked to him for 1800 minutes is more than she has talked to the three of us on the phone in the past year and a half. Then said if she wants to chose those people down south over us then **** her she can have him.

 

Be nice to have the oldest know. She can then enjoy this big house her apartment down south, her new jeep payment and her sons moving out. The youngest said he wants to stay with me till he finishes college. Not sure what the oldest will do. But he had told his brother as long as mom and dad are doing this in a descent manner and it is because she no longer in love with him I can understand, but if she or he cheated that is another story.

 

Her other man is a 3 years younger around 44 hasn't been married in about 12 years and no kids. Sounds like the kind of guy that couldn't handle kids and married life. Once the wife starts pushing for full time relationship and responsibilities my thoughts are he will walk.

[Marc878]

She'll follow the cheater script. We never saw each other until after the divorce.

Blah, blah, blah

[standtall]

Marc I think I am going to save that for the very end. Maybe the day I walk into my new cabin. Give the boys the (the youngest saw the records on the 6000 minutes of phone calls in four months or so) The oldest doesn't know yet.The youngest said even if this is all you have the one month she talked to him for 1800 minutes is more than she has talked to the three of us on the phone in the past year and a half. Then said if she wants to chose those people down south over us then **** her she can have him.

 

Be nice to have the oldest know. She can then enjoy this big house her apartment down south, her new jeep payment and her sons moving out. The youngest said he wants to stay with me till he finishes college. Not sure what the oldest will do. But he had told his brother as long as mom and dad are doing this in a descent manner and it is because she no longer in love with him I can understand, but if she or he cheated that is another story.

 

Her other man is a 3 years younger around 44 hasn't been married in about 12 years and no kids. Sounds like the kind of guy that couldn't handle kids and married life. Once the wife starts pushing for full time relationship and responsibilities my thoughts are he will walk.

 

Bad idea. Why do you want to poison your kids relationship with their mother? It has nothing to do with them...she is still their mother and to them she will always be that. Doing this is a petty, spiteful, pathetic attempt to get your children to pick sides and judge her. It is manipulative and it uses your children to get even with her. Her cheating pales in comparison to this act. Using your children as pawns to exact vengeance on someone...not cool. Bad wife does not equal bad mother and ultimately they will suffer much more than she will. Jeff1960, I get that you're mad, and would love to get even with her, and God knows she deserves it, but I don't think your thinking clearly here.

Edited August 5, 2016 by standtall

[Marc878]

Bad idea. Why do you want to poison your kids relationship with their mother? It has nothing to do with them...she is still their mother and to them she will always be that. Doing this is a petty, spiteful, pathetic attempt to get your children to pick sides and judge her. It is manipulative and it uses your children to get even with her. Her cheating pales in comparison to this act. Using your children as pawns to exact vengeance on someone...not cool. Bad wife does not equal bad mother and ultimately they will suffer much more than she will. Jeff1960, I get that you're mad, and would love to get even with her, and God knows she deserves it, but I don't think your thinking clearly here.

 

So lie and hide the truth from your kids? Really?

[BluesPower]

With all due respect ST you are out of your mind. These are not kids, they are in collage and god knows that they have a right to know what there mother has done to their family.

 

 

Not only has she cheated on their father and broken up their family, she has done it in the worst way possible. She has lied to the H, the kids, everyone.

 

 

Why would you ever think that it is ok for you to lie to your children.

 

 

OP here got really screwed in every way. He did NOTHING WRONG, except be a good father and husband to a cheating whore of a wife.

 

 

Good grief.

[road]

So lie and hide the truth from your kids? Really?

 

 

No the kids must be told the truth.

[road]

Bad idea. Why do you want to poison your kids relationship with their mother?

 

 

The truth is always a great idea.

 

 

Poison?

 

 

What poison?

 

 

This BH did not give no stinkin' poison to nobody.

 

 

The WW's actions, behaviors, are what poisoned the relationship between mom and sons.

[kgcolonel]

ST....in what situation would you prefer to be lied to as opposed to having the truth?

 

The kids have a right to know why their mother has betrayed not only their father but also the family. He gave her his blessing (albeit with concern) to pursue a job that would take her away from the family at least 3 days every week. Had he not blessed this, he would have been controlling and so on that we hear so much. What did she do with this blessing, BETRAYAL.

 

When someone does something so despicable, they desperately want to hide it....this is why she's lying, not that she feels guilty about what she's done, she's worried about her reputation as a mother. Jeff, you need to expose her and let your adult children come to their own conclusions as to how they feel about their mother. They too have been betrayed. She is selfish and living for no one except her fantasy world.

 

Just my two cents.....

[standtall]

With all due respect ST you are out of your mind. These are not kids, they are in collage and god knows that they have a right to know what there mother has done to their family.

 

 

Not only has she cheated on their father and broken up their family, she has done it in the worst way possible. She has lied to the H, the kids, everyone.

 

 

Why would you ever think that it is ok for you to lie to your children.

 

 

OP here got really screwed in every way. He did NOTHING WRONG, except be a good father and husband to a cheating whore of a wife.

 

 

Good grief.

 

Good grief back. You BS's will do anything, including using your own children to get even. Your anger blinds you.

 

This sums it up

He did NOTHING WRONG, except be a good father and husband to a cheating whore of a wife.

 

What does being a "cheating whore" have to do with her parenting with the children..nothing at all. Using your own kids as pawns..shameful act.

 

As far as telling the truth, if they're adults, it aint their business. If young children, then you definitely don't tell them details...it will poison their relationship with both parents.

Edited August 5, 2016 by standtall

[Jeff1690]

StandTall,

You have given great advice so far. However I disagree about my sons not knowing. The youngest already does. Like I said in a previous post about him telling his mother goodbye she wanted to know what was wrong when he left. Guess what I lied. I said he was fighting with his girlfriend who he went to stay with and then he was just upset about the divorce. he has not been home since even though she is not here. She then got on to me and said you should have never said anything in front of our sons about how bad this is going to hit you financially.

 

This was before I knew about the OM and all the financial stuff. I am only 6 or 7 weeks in this. She is over a year into it. She lied to the boys and said she just had fallen out of love and that we had grown apart. I even tried to help ease their pain by bringing up the menopause, PTSD, and abuse (we never told them she was sexually abused just physically like beaten). I was still deeply in love with her. Still can't say I don't love her it has only been a month and a half. But I sure as hell want rid of her now.

 

She wanted to walk away from this marriage with know one knowing the better. If I had not come to this site and been advised to start digging I would still be being all fat dumb and happy miserable with myself for not getting her help for her problems and blaming myself.

 

Yeah she still has those problems but she has another problem I can't get her help for...****ing another guy. Vengeful? Maybe. But she still has not answered one question I have asked about the OM, and the money. She doesn't want to have the conversation about why, if counting the 2 years together before we married, why she has destroyed 25 years of the two of us being together.

 

Also I have pulled the bills from last year yesterday. Still going through them. Guess what. She has not paid off my credit cards which we used to always pay off at the end of the month. Truck and Harley not paid off. But, everyone of her credit cards so far on paid off. Since last year she has been taking extra money buying crap that could have been used to pay off my bills like she was supposed to and been buying new furniture, clothes, and everything else.

 

Give you a taste of just WalMart transactions. We spent $4200 at WalMart last year here at home. That is for a family of four. She has spent $3900 down south at WalMart. The apartment down south is a one bedroom. That tells me she is buying some groceries and getting cash advances. She buys clothes at high end places.