Wife of almost 23 years wants divorce [updated]

[CarrieT]

The wife's birthday is this Friday. Should I make sure both sons remember-I always have to remind them to get her a card or present every year. The oldest is out of state on a college field trip, the youngest still has made NC with mother for 5 days.

No.

 

I really don't want my sons to wind up in a relationship with their mother like she has with her's.

I think your wife's relationship with her children needs to be her responsibility - not yours. If it becomes like her relationship with her mother, the onus is on her. What your children'' relationship to their mother is now or becomes organically shouldn't be something you need to push one way or another.

[Marc878]

You're stbxw fired you. Stay fired. It's not your problem anymore.

You need to get used to treating her like the mailman or a grocery clerk.

Which is better than she treated you.

[Jeff1690]

Well after my work out this morning I had a protein shake and took a shower. Then I weighed myself. Down 16-17 pounds of the 20 I gained recuperating from my ACL surgery. My gut is not hanging over my belt. Never had that happen before, but I also never had ACL surgery. All my pants are now a bit loose.

 

I am going to shoot for losing 25lbs. I have always been very muscular, did a lot of power lifting competitions. But, as I get older mass seems to turn to fat quicker. So now I am shooting for lean muscles.

[Marc878]

So did you remake yourself with the new wardrobe?

 

How you dress will affect how you feel as well as how you look.

 

Good thinking

[DKT3]

Well after my work out this morning I had a protein shake and took a shower. Then I weighed myself. Down 16-17 pounds of the 20 I gained recuperating from my ACL surgery. My gut is not hanging over my belt. Never had that happen before, but I also never had ACL surgery. All my pants are now a bit loose.

 

I am going to shoot for losing 25lbs. I have always been very muscular, did a lot of power lifting competitions. But, as I get older mass seems to turn to fat quicker. So now I am shooting for lean muscles.

 

Ha-ha yes it does. Be sure to modify your workouts. My wife got me into CrossFit, which is a departure from the mass building stuff I usually do, I'm getting great results.

[Jersey born raised]

Watch your food intake. Even though you are not as active, your food intake is the same resulting in fat.

[Jersey born raised]

Your post #200 is very insightful. Keep digging. Understand these elements will allow her to cheat you, harm you, demean you, and rewrite the martial history.

 

Exposure at this time to only mutual friends and your family and oldest son must be told the truth about only the adultery. Your oldest must know to protect himself. She is destroying his faith in you.

 

Do not be graphic. Simply say "your mother/my wife is engaged in an adultery relationship. The last several years of deployment as caused her to devolved into a person who feels entitled to pursue her feelings and lie about it to those who love and trusted her.

[Jeff1690]

The wife called today, mad as hell. Apparently she got an email from her attorney that my attorney had contacted him. We are doing the uncontested divorce and the lawyer represents her. So I get a divorce lawyer friend I have and he is helping me for free.

 

She called like 5 times and I finally answered because one of the sons is out of town and something might be going on. So she lays into me about how everything in the divorce decree application was what we discussed. I had told her when I read them I didnt understand all of the legal jargon (I did) and might retain a lawyer about a week ago.

 

I tell her there is nothing in there that states I can stay in the house if the divorce is finalized and my cabin is not finished. Then she spouts off about she can't believe you don't trust me.

 

Well that set me off. I just calmly walked down all the things she has been doing. When i brought up the 6000 minutes of cell calls in 4 months to OM she says nothing. for about 1 minute. I thought she had hung up on me. When she finally answered she just says it i her friends brother. I could her crying a bit. I asked what about him. Long silence, and then said there is nothing.

 

She sobbed a little then got mad and said you are spying on me and you think I am screwing everything that is walking. I just told her since she has quit communicating,no intimacy, no sex for a year and serves me up divorce papers within weeks of talking about working on our marriage I had to find out what the hell happened to my marriage. Who are all these people in your life you never talked about? Why are you spending thousands of dollars on **** that isn't in our home?

 

The only reply was I have to go and board my plane. So what are your thoughts? She obviously is pissed that suddenly I have a lawyer and her get out of marriage card my get jacked (it isn't because I am done). She gives no explanation for her talks with OM, no answer on the money just cries a bit and gets off phone.

[kgcolonel]

Soooo, is she involved with her friends brother....just being her friends brother does not exclude him from being in an affair with her....

 

I would now suggest you have the talk with the boys....don't poison them on your WW, just let them know what you know and why you two are getting a D.

[Jeff1690]

Soooo, is she involved with her friends brother....just being her friends brother does not exclude him from being in an affair with her....

 

I would now suggest you have the talk with the boys....don't poison them on your WW, just let them know what you know and why you two are getting a D.

 

Her brother is the one she had over 6000 minutes of phone conversation with in 4 months. Works out roughly 2-3 days of straight talking or 7-10% of the month on the phone with him, not counting text messages.

 

She has not admitted to a EA or PA she just avoids answering when I bring him up. The only real thing I have about another man is phone records. You factor in over a year with 0 communication, no intimacy what so ever and no sex. Next is the total redo of her apartment and all the cash she has spent down there. The beach trip for two which when asked she says she wasn't hiding but refuses to say who she was with. Then throw in after I push the issue of what the problem is "We will work it out to two or three weeks later she wants a divorce.

 

Like I said what are the opinions of those who have been here? I personally believe she was an affair. Those are just too many red flags. Especially since all this stuff started suddenly about a year ago. The no sex, no intimacy etc. did not start till August of last year. The phone calls started in March all the way till June. Then petered off to about 15-25 calls a month plus texts. The last three months almost stopped. Now since July when she said she wanted a divorce they have picked back up.

[CarrieT]

I just calmly walked down all the things she has been doing.

Bravo, Jeff!

[Marc878]

I tell her there is nothing in there that states I can stay in the house if the divorce is finalized and my cabin is not finished. Then she spouts off about she can't believe you don't trust me.

 

No one in their fight mine would trust her. C'mon man

 

Well that set me off. I just calmly walked down all the things she has been doing. When i brought up the 6000 minutes of cell calls in 4 months to OM she says nothing. for about 1 minute. I thought she had hung up on me. When she finally answered she just says it i her friends brother. I could her crying a bit. I asked what about him. Long silence, and then said there is nothing.

 

She's deep in a sexual affair. Anyone looking at this knows what it is. Caught but still lying and denying.

 

She sobbed a little then got mad and said you are spying on me and you think I am screwing everything that is walking. I just told her since she has quit communicating,no intimacy, no sex for a year and serves me up divorce papers within weeks of talking about working on our marriage I had to find out what the hell happened to my marriage. Who are all these people in your life you never talked about? Why are you spending thousands of dollars on **** that isn't in our home?

 

Cheater script. Privacy to cheat. Very common

 

The only reply was I have to go and board my plane. So what are your thoughts? She obviously is pissed that suddenly I have a lawyer and her get out of marriage card my get jacked (it isn't because I am done). She gives no explanation for her talks with OM, no answer on the money just cries a bit and gets off phone.

 

She thought she was smart enough not to get caught. Now everyone will know.

 

Look cheaters lie, hide and deceive. This is very typical of an affair. You show the phone bill to anyone they know right off what's going on.

Edited August 8, 2016 by Marc878

[kgcolonel]

To me, yes it looks like he is the OM. The ebb and flow of the texts may be nothing more than where they were in their A. The recent ebb might be that they were physically around each other and thus, no need to text.

 

If she so insistent that she has not betrayed you and would like to preserve her motherly respect from her kids, maybe she'd like to prove it with a polygraph, however this won't change the fact that she's out of the marriage.

[Marc878]

To me, yes it looks like he is the OM. The ebb and flow of the texts may be nothing more than where they were in their A. The recent ebb might be that they were physically around each other and thus, no need to text.

 

If she so insistent that she has not betrayed you and would like to preserve her motherly respect from her kids, maybe she'd like to prove it with a polygraph, however this won't change the fact that she's out of the marriage.

 

He's probably moved in with her and they are now living together so there's no need to text. Have some one go by her place. He'll be there. Bank on it.

 

I'd tell her I'm no fool and neither is anyone else.

[Marc878]

Jeff,

 

If it were me I'd drive down to her place knock on the door and ask him how long he's been having an affair with your wife. She's out of town and I'd bet he's moved in with her when the phone calls dropped off.

 

If you have any doubts. It would be a defining moment.

[Lobe]

Jeff,

 

If it were me I'd drive down to her place knock on the door and ask him how long he's been having an affair with your wife. She's out of town and I'd bet he's moved in with her when the phone calls dropped off.

 

If you have any doubts. It would be a defining moment.

 

That's a recipe for disaster. No need to confront or engage anyone right now, just keep on settling up the divorce. There will be plenty of time to dig when the paperwork is finalized...

[Marc878]

That's a recipe for disaster. No need to confront or engage anyone right now, just keep on settling up the divorce. There will be plenty of time to dig when the paperwork is finalized...

 

Nope, now is the perfect time. Just remain cool calm and collected. Take your son that knows with you.

 

No one should be played for a fool.

[Jersey born raised]

You have his name, phone number, and area he lives. For around 100 bucks you could use any site that offers background checks.

 

I would really like to know if hebisnin the military.

[Jeff1690]

You have his name, phone number, and area he lives. For around 100 bucks you could use any site that offers background checks.

 

I would really like to know if hebisnin the military.

 

Already did the background check on numerous people both male and female, and phone numbers of people I had never heard of.

 

Yes he was in the military. Retired Sgt.First Class. The wife probably bonded with him over that, something in common. Of course we both met while we were in the Marines (before she went army). But amazingly to her my service during Desert Storm in the infantry means nothing because I wasn't in Iraq and Afghanistan.

 

He actually does not live down south. He lives here in our city. Maybe if I had been more observant to the red flags I could have caught this earlier and tracked her by her phone to see if she was going to her friend's house or his, or were they meeting at the friend's (his sister). I didn't see the red flags I guess because I totally trusted my wife. I was just thinking it was the PTSD, menopause, sexual abuse history coming to a head.

 

Stupid me for believing my wife would not betray me. Hell, it never crossed my mind. Even through her deployments. Saw to many friends come home to destroyed marriages over that when I was in the Corps.

[Marc878]

Already did the background check on numerous people both male and female, and phone numbers of people I had never heard of.

 

Yes he was in the military. Retired Sgt.First Class. The wife probably bonded with him over that, something in common. Of course we both met while we were in the Marines (before she went army). But amazingly to her my service during Desert Storm in the infantry means nothing because I wasn't in Iraq and Afghanistan.

 

He actually does not live down south. He lives here in our city. Maybe if I had been more observant to the red flags I could have caught this earlier and tracked her by her phone to see if she was going to her friend's house or his, or were they meeting at the friend's (his sister). I didn't see the red flags I guess because I totally trusted my wife. I was just thinking it was the PTSD, menopause, sexual abuse history coming to a head.

 

Stupid me for believing my wife would not betray me. Hell, it never crossed my mind. Even through her deployments. Saw to many friends come home to destroyed marriages over that when I was in the Corps.

 

When they are deep in the affair you can do no right but the affair partner is a god.

 

As you've found the kids don't matter either. When the truth comes out that'll be all your fault too. "My affair was no one else's business".

 

Pay no attention just cheater logic. "You made me cheat" or "its my life, my right, etc, etc, etc".

[S2B]

Well you busted her when she was relying on you never finding out.

 

Staying silent is her way of getting away with her bad behavior. Good for you finding out.

 

Get EVERY little thing written into those divorce papers. She will try and screw you over if you aren't paying attention.

 

I can't say it strongly enough PROTECT YOURSELF!

 

And no - don't remind your sons it's her birthday... They can remember themselves - they aren't 5 years old - and they may not want to wish her happy birthday since she's not earning their respect as of late. She actually deserves to be punished = then she may realize she's done something wrong. If those boys don't respect her you shouldn't force them to do anything with her.

[Marc878]

Your stbxw is probably coming to terms/realization that her deep dark secret is now out. Most cheaters will attack, blame shift on the spouse to cover themselves or justify their actions.

 

Be prepared. If it were me I'd tell your oldest. Maybe have a set down with both your sons. You can explain why their mom can't be any part of your life going forward. She'll make you out to be the bad guy because you aren't friends and act like a family. Protect your relationship with your sons. You have no idea what she'll do next.

 

You may think she won't turn on you like this but I'd bet you never thought she'd cheat either did you?

[kgcolonel]

Your stbxw is probably coming to terms/realization that her deep dark secret is now out. Most cheaters will attack, blame shift on the spouse to cover themselves or justify their actions.

 

Be prepared. If it were me I'd tell your oldest. Maybe have a set down with both your sons. You can explain why their mom can't be any part of your life going forward. She'll make you out to be the bad guy because you aren't friends and act like a family. Protect your relationship with your sons. You have no idea what she'll do next.

 

You may think she won't turn on you like this but I'd bet you never thought she'd cheat either did you?

 

Jeff, this is very sound advice.....protect your relationship with your sons, do not poison your wife but tell them what you know. They can make their own decisions as to how they respond.

[Marc878]

Exactly, you just want them to know the truth.

 

She's made this choice unfortunately. You have to deal with it.

 

I wouldn't vilify her just explain and show what you know.

 

You do need and will get some closure. Usually they usually try and introduce them into the family as someone they just met. After the divorce.

 

Remember this isn't on or about you. Let her deal with it.

[BluesPower]

I think you should drive down and see if he is living in the "Nice New Refurnished Apartment". I think he should know that you know. You have been through enough sh** in your life to stay cool. You could record the conversation for your protection.

 

You really need to tell your oldest as soon as possible.

 

I just really can't believe that she won't come clean after all this, the trip, all of it. She must really think you are dumb as a brick.

 

Man, you just hang in there. Like I have said before, this is really one of the worst ones that I have read about. It is even worse that what my wife did to me, and I thought I was going to die.

 

You are really handling this like a champ. Just stay strong.