Wife of almost 23 years wants divorce [updated]

[Marc878]

Walk away wife/mother syndrome will give you insight to her behavior. She's hyper focused on reeling in her OM and can't think of you/your feelings or even your kids.

 

That's on her - she will have some consequences for that for years to come. And one of the reasons why it's useful if your boys don't acknowledge her upcoming birthday - or if they do - a simple and short text would suffice, given her lack of interest in them and their lives.

 

 

I waited too long to get rid of "things" that were my exH - once I did it - I felt a huge burden lifted...it was freeing to get rid of the past that was no longer useful to look at. I hope you can box things up and ship them to her or get rid of what's no longer useful.

 

I realized the man I'd been married to for almost 25 wasn't who I THOUGHT he WAS...he was someone different than I'd ever known...I wanted nothing of his/him to remind me I'd been with someone who was a stranger to me now.

 

Letting go of what no longer is or was is liberating!

 

Even still - almost ten years had past and I stumbled across a leather bound monogram notepad cover last year - when I handed it to him the next time I saw him he started sobbing... Go figure - I was completely unaffected but somehow he seemed to find that little gesture something to be emotional about.

 

It feels good not handing HIM all of MY power anymore. I hope you will get there too.

 

Stay strong - protect yourself! She's gonna take you for a ride if you aren't paying close attention to your assets and the language in those documents she anxious to have signed.

 

And I'd bet money she gets married as soon as she's free - that's probably how she figures she can handle the debt she's taking on - she using the house to secure her OM. He can have her! Be glad you can be free from a gal you never really knew.

 

And she's NEVER gonna admit anything. They rarely do even whith solid evidence. Just glad you know for YOURSELF that it's her and not you that has issues.

 

Listen and learn from someone with experience

[Jeff1690]

And I'd bet money she gets married as soon as she's free - that's probably how she figures she can handle the debt she's taking on - she using the house to secure her OM. He can have her! Be glad you can be free from a gal you never really knew.

 

Funny you say that. I am glad she is taking the house and debt of it. It was almost paid for. We paid our first house in five years. When I told her with our new house (and we made 3 times as much as we did when we paid off the first) we could use her checks like before and have a 4,000 square foot home paid for in 2 and a half years. She just looked at me and said she wasn't doing that anymore. She has bought 5 new cars in six years.

 

What we used to do was take her take home check and swap it back and forth. One month she got it and could do whatever she wanted with it. The next month I got it. My check went into the bank and paid the bills. half of one check paid all the bills. It was nice. I told her she made 3 times as much now and how awesome it would be to be able have that kind of money to do what ever we wanted being debt free again. She just shrugged her shoulders.

 

So that is one of my goals getting the buy out. Be debt free and do whatever I want. Travel, toys, whatever.

 

I am hoping she doesn't get married after the divorce. got the fingers crossed for the OM to dump her ass once she pushes for open relationship that everyone knows about. Then the dream of the reconcile attempt and a passionate kiss then telling her to F off...........really praying for this lol

[Marc878]

Don't bank on it. They were just friends. Telling each other their woes.

 

You could Catch her in the act and she'd deny it. It's the cheater code. Lie, hide, deny.

 

That's why she's not talking to the kids. Next time she calls ask her "what it's like being a cheater"? Everyone is wanting to know.

[ladydesigner]

Funny you say that. I am glad she is taking the house and debt of it. It was almost paid for. We paid our first house in five years. When I told her with our new house (and we made 3 times as much as we did when we paid off the first) we could use her checks like before and have a 4,000 square foot home paid for in 2 and a half years. She just looked at me and said she wasn't doing that anymore. She has bought 5 new cars in six years.

 

What we used to do was take her take home check and swap it back and forth. One month she got it and could do whatever she wanted with it. The next month I got it. My check went into the bank and paid the bills. half of one check paid all the bills. It was nice. I told her she made 3 times as much now and how awesome it would be to be able have that kind of money to do what ever we wanted being debt free again. She just shrugged her shoulders.

 

So that is one of my goals getting the buy out. Be debt free and do whatever I want. Travel, toys, whatever.

 

I am hoping she doesn't get married after the divorce. got the fingers crossed for the OM to dump her ass once she pushes for open relationship that everyone knows about. Then the dream of the reconcile attempt and a passionate kiss then telling her to F off...........really praying for this lol

 

I read on another infidelity forum too and there is story over there of a man who D'd his WW and now... 4 years later she broke down to him sobbing that she made a mistake the grass wasn't greener and she broke her engagement off with her OM. She even asked for a second chance. He was like that horse left the barn years ago.

 

So you may have this happen years down the road, but by then it is too little too late.

[Jeff1690]

I read on another infidelity forum too and there is story over there of a man who D'd his WW and now... 4 years later she broke down to him sobbing that she made a mistake the grass wasn't greener and she broke her engagement off with her OM. She even asked for a second chance. He was like that horse left the barn years ago.

 

So you may have this happen years down the road, but by then it is too little too late.

 

Talked to my lawyer today and he had the basic same thing happen to him. He said his wife's Affair in his mind was a mid-life crisis. I have read up on that and it does sound a lot like my wife also, not to include her other problems. Anyway, he said give it 18-24 months and she will be back. He said almost 90% of his clients have reported this to him. In very rare cases does the A relationship work out and the freedom isn't as awesome as they thought and what was actually lost in a LTR is missed.

[Marc878]

IMO by that time I would have a better, younger replacement.

 

Don't wait around on a maybe or hope and prayer.

[kgcolonel]

Jeff

 

I hope you're holding up well....there's a lot going on for you right now. I was wondering a couple of things:

 

How close are your boys? I am a little surprised that they haven't compared notes and with the youngest knowing what he knows, clued the older one in on their mothers activities....do you know if they've spoken on this?

 

Secondly, what happened to those D docs that you thought needed your signature but your WW claimed that there was only a place for her signature....did you have a chance to speak with your lawyer friend on that?

 

I can't say that I can fully understand what you're going through but I am truly very sorry this happening. Trust me in that there will be brighter days ahead.

 

KGC

[Jeff1690]

Jeff

 

I hope you're holding up well....there's a lot going on for you right now. I was wondering a couple of things:

 

How close are your boys? I am a little surprised that they haven't compared notes and with the youngest knowing what he knows, clued the older one in on their mothers activities....do you know if they've spoken on this?

 

Secondly, what happened to those D docs that you thought needed your signature but your WW claimed that there was only a place for her signature....did you have a chance to speak with your lawyer friend on that?

 

I can't say that I can fully understand what you're going through but I am truly very sorry this happening. Trust me in that there will be brighter days ahead.

 

KGC

As far as the boys are concerned the oldest is on a college field trip. The youngest said that he oldest had said he was okay with the divorce if mom and dad fell out of love, but if she cheated....Well I need to tell the oldest. Sad thing is that I only have the phone records and my assumption that the long EA has turned PA.

 

As far as the documents the other lawyer has not responded to the request. was hoping to find out today.

[Jeff1690]

Got a question for those of you who have had cheating spouse and got divorced or getting divorced after LTM. The wife and I have always been intimate and had a great sex life all these years. I now find that my sex drive is dead. If I try to do a little window shopping at the ladies or even think about sex with my wife or another woman...nothing no interest. Also my first thought if I look at another woman is "Nope that would be cheating and is wrong to my wife (which I often thought in the past if I did).

 

So is this normal? How long till an interest in other woman has it taken some of you?

[DKT3]

Got a question for those of you who have had cheating spouse and got divorced or getting divorced after LTM. The wife and I have always been intimate and had a great sex life all these years. I now find that my sex drive is dead. If I try to do a little window shopping at the ladies or even think about sex with my wife or another woman...nothing no interest. Also my first thought if I look at another woman is "Nope that would be cheating and is wrong to my wife (which I often thought in the past if I did).

 

So is this normal? How long till an interest in other woman has it taken some of you?

 

Yes, very normal. It's ingrained for most over the course of a long relationship to be faithful.

 

I had those very feelings, even cried after my first sexual encounter with a new woman, after she left of course. It just felt wrong, felt like I needed to come clean.

 

The drive will return.

[kgcolonel]

Got a question for those of you who have had cheating spouse and got divorced or getting divorced after LTM. The wife and I have always been intimate and had a great sex life all these years. I now find that my sex drive is dead. If I try to do a little window shopping at the ladies or even think about sex with my wife or another woman...nothing no interest. Also my first thought if I look at another woman is "Nope that would be cheating and is wrong to my wife (which I often thought in the past if I did).

 

So is this normal? How long till an interest in other woman has it taken some of you?

 

Jeff the last part of your post first, this my friend is called integrity....you know that you are still married and any person with any integrity knows that cheating is cheating no matter what someone else has done, it doesn't dictate to you what is right and wrong for you.....INTEGRITY. I'd like to say it is very common but in today's world, not as much as it should be...sorry to say.

 

Now the first part, two things can will likely happen here, the first is a self protective mode that subconsciously kicks in to lower your interest in sex to allow you time to emotionally heal, unless you're the vengeful type and then anything that walks and is female is a target....secondly there are cases I have read about when this sort of thing happens, there is a drop in testosterone which also lowers the sex drive. There is another thread here where an individual has experienced a rough breakup and is currently experiencing ED.....not too surprising.

 

 

Hang in there, you're actually handling this really well, working out, being productive in clearing your land, mentoring your boys and writing about it here. These are all healthy signs, you're going to be fine.....I do however agree with your lawyer friend in that she will at some point have an Oh S**t moment. I'd urge you not to be pulled into that as this is still the individual that has betrayed your love and trust. You know she's lying about the A, she just doesn't want to face the fact that her actions define her as a person.

[kgcolonel]

Another thought....if you can, get out and socialize with friends. This will really help you. Remember, you are no longer her protector, you are needing to look out for yourself and your boys. Getting out and being around people will help, don't shy away from the questions, face them and own them. Don't poison her, but don't lie and don't make excuses for her either. Something like "she's developed an inappropriate interest in someone else" and leave it at that but only if someone asks that knows you both.....

 

Trust your lawyer friend in the legal matters, if she calls angry about his presence this is a definite red flag, if 'she truly cared about your well being, she's say that's great, my attorney may have missed something.

[Marc878]

Got a question for those of you who have had cheating spouse and got divorced or getting divorced after LTM. The wife and I have always been intimate and had a great sex life all these years. I now find that my sex drive is dead. If I try to do a little window shopping at the ladies or even think about sex with my wife or another woman...nothing no interest. Also my first thought if I look at another woman is "Nope that would be cheating and is wrong to my wife (which I often thought in the past if I did).

 

So is this normal? How long till an interest in other woman has it taken some of you?

 

This is what is called integrity.

 

I might add you'd never do to her what she's done to you. There are better out there you'll find.

[Marc878]

As far as the boys are concerned the oldest is on a college field trip. The youngest said that he oldest had said he was okay with the divorce if mom and dad fell out of love, but if she cheated....Well I need to tell the oldest. Sad thing is that I only have the phone records and my assumption that the long EA has turned PA.

 

As far as the documents the other lawyer has not responded to the request. was hoping to find out today.

 

You are playing this wrong. There is no assumption. There are too many facts and red flags. You are like most who go through this. Having denial because you just can't fathom her doing this but anyone can see it for what it is.

 

IMO she put you in this position. The worst thing you can do is give her an out.

 

C'mon man. Get strong and stay there. Don't ever back down from what you know.

 

Read up - "No More Mr Nice a Guy" it's a free download and worth the read. It's helped many. Take two hours and read through it.

[Jeff1690]

For some reason I keep wanting you to protect yourself!

 

My gut says she's going to pull a fast one on you - by having ownership of the home and money from refinancing it. That check now goes to her name only.

 

You have absolutely NO recourse legally if she doesn't share that money with you.

 

Then she has that money, the house and what she wants.

 

She isn't considering what you or her boys need or want right now - not for one second!

 

Get her to sign something showing you get that money from the refi.

 

Thanks for the replies. Marc If she tries reconcile that isn't going to happen.

S2B-One of the things the lawyer is drawing up is that once the check is written we are immediately to go to the bank and have her sign it over and deposit in my account.

[Jeff1690]

Also glad to hear the sex drive will return. I have always had a strong one.

[turnera]

Got a question for those of you who have had cheating spouse and got divorced or getting divorced after LTM. The wife and I have always been intimate and had a great sex life all these years. I now find that my sex drive is dead. If I try to do a little window shopping at the ladies or even think about sex with my wife or another woman...nothing no interest. Also my first thought if I look at another woman is "Nope that would be cheating and is wrong to my wife (which I often thought in the past if I did).

 

So is this normal? How long till an interest in other woman has it taken some of you?

How many times a month are you going to therapy?

[BluesPower]

Jeff like Marc says, don't think for a second that her and other man have not been together screwing. She wants people to think that she has not "really" been sleeping around.

 

 

You need to understand that it does not work that way. In fact they probably slept together before she did all the talking. Grown people do not act that way. They are not 14 years old, they have been screwing for a while, a long while. She sure was not wanting or getting anything from you.

 

 

Not to hurt you more, but you really have to understand the depth of the betrayal so you can stay mad, do what needs to be done, and move on.

 

 

Stay Strong...

[Marc878]

Cheater logic says if I never admit to it then it didn't happen. That's what you're dealing with. The gist behind this is you don't count for much. Look back at the last year. See what I mean?

 

Most honest people can't comprehend the lies because they wouldn't. That always gives the cheater an edge and they prey on it.

[Jeff1690]

How many times a month are you going to therapy?

 

I have not gone to any therapy. Just talking with my father and a few close friends.

[Jeff1690]

Long day today. Guess it is the roller coaster. Woke this morning having a dream seeing her face smiling and saying "He has everything you don't". So needless to say I woke angry.

 

I was a bit depressed as well and was trying to find an excuse not to work out. Luckily I decided to work out and hit the heavy bag as well. That got the spirits up a bit.

 

I had to pick my mother up at the airport later in the afternoon, long drive. All I could do the entire way was envision conversations with the wife demanding answers for all she has done. Tried the radio to listen to music...no joy and it was just to damn distracting.

 

At the airport I thought I saw my wife four times but had to remember she doesn't fly in till tomorrow. She will probably head straight south and not come home, which is probably a good thing. Have not seen I think for almost a week and a half.

 

I can't stand days like today. All I want are freaking answers I am most likely to never get. Got to move on though. But, I am stuck in limbo till I get my cash buyout. Can't even start building.

[Marc878]

Her actions have told you what you need to know. Unfortunately all you'll probably get out of her mouth will be lies and deceit.

 

Unless you go into investigation mode.

 

Sorry you're here you deserve better.

[kgcolonel]

Hey buddy. Hang in there. More than likely the less you show you care and the fact that you're planning to move will be your way back to return the power to your side. Just play it low key and don't show your hand. You know more than she thinks you know.

 

I still think you need to let your oldest know what's going on.

[Jeff1690]

Hey buddy. Hang in there. More than likely the less you show you care and the fact that you're planning to move will be your way back to return the power to your side. Just play it low key and don't show your hand. You know more than she thinks you know.

 

I still think you need to let your oldest know what's going on.

 

Will be telling the oldest upon his return from trip. As far as showing her how little I care and planning to move I have started something. Downstairs in the man room I have boxed up everything. Books, pictures, DVDs, certificates plaques. I have gone through the house and taken down every picture with just me and my sons. Several decorations with our last name are now down. A lot of clothing has been packed and in boxes.

 

One reason I did this is I might as well get started. Also I think when she comes in and sees boxes stacked neatly in the garage and downstairs maybe it will be a bit of a shock...Probably not, probably excitement. But I want her to realize how much of the stuff belonging to my family (Heirlooms and antique furniture) has been part of our life. Basically my family heritage and she is no longer welcome in it.

[Marc878]

I assume your side of the family was in shock or did they suspect?