Wife of almost 23 years wants divorce [updated]

[Jeff1690]

Total shock. No one would ever believe she would do something like this. A lot of disappointment.

[Marc878]

No wife or mother moves away and stays away from her husband and kids without an OM in the mix.

 

Looking back I suspect everyone sees it now. It's hard to fathom for most. That's why they get by with the lies and deceit so long.

[Jeff1690]

Well Marc that is how she got by it with me. I had total trust in her. We had always been on the same page.

[DKT3]

Affairs are never isolated incidents, there is always prerequisite behavior. Men tend to be blinded to these actions, until........

 

Once you've created some emotional distance you will start to really put the puzzle together, things that seemed a little off then will be very clear now. For me that's when I really got angry

 

Jeff, let go of needing to know why or get a explanation, it will burn a ton of energy, keep you stuck in limbo and once you finally get her answer it's like "WTF" no reasoning, no logic, just pure bull**** and none sense. It will usually consist of how she did everything and you did nothing, how she gave up because you didn't do blah blah. Then if course nothing happened with om until after.

 

You don't need her reasons, you need to accept that it happened, accept that it's not your fault, accept that the woman you married 23 years ago doesn't exist. Stop pain shopping, stop looking for proof.

[road]

Affairs are never isolated incidents, there is always prerequisite behavior. Men tend to be blinded to these actions, until........

 

Once you've created some emotional distance you will start to really put the puzzle together, things that seemed a little off then will be very clear now. For me that's when I really got angry

 

Jeff, let go of needing to know why or get a explanation, it will burn a ton of energy, keep you stuck in limbo and once you finally get her answer it's like "WTF" no reasoning, no logic, just pure bull**** and none sense. It will usually consist of how she did everything and you did nothing, how she gave up because you didn't do blah blah. Then if course nothing happened with om until after.

 

You don't need her reasons, you need to accept that it happened, accept that it's not your fault, accept that the woman you married 23 years ago doesn't exist. Stop pain shopping, stop looking for proof.

 

Why questions are a waste of time for that just allows the excuses to fly. And those answers never provide any satisfaction.

 

 

However the what, where, when, why, which, who, and how questions are good because they provide the BS the knowledge for them to then move past the affair whether they divorce or recover.

Edited August 12, 2016 by road

[kgcolonel]

Jeff, hope you are doing as good as could be expected this morning. I agree with the two prior posts, while it would be great to understand her reasoning, I don't think she is going to be willing to provide you with that, even after 23 years of marriage.

 

One suggestion I would like to make to focus that energy on protecting you and your estate as best as you can. Get answers on the document that you didn't sign, try to understand her anger when she found out you had an attorney, etc.

 

Don't show your cards as to the mental anguish....

 

From time to time you have mentioned that she would begin to cry, it always seems to be at moments when she has been caught in either a lie or in a compromising situation. What is behind that do you think, this may give you some leverage in getting what you need and deserve.

[Jeff1690]

Don't show your cards as to the mental anguish....

 

From time to time you have mentioned that she would begin to cry, it always seems to be at moments when she has been caught in either a lie or in a compromising situation. What is behind that do you think, this may give you some leverage in getting what you need and deserve.

 

My wife up until this point in our marriage has always been an honest, loving and truthful person. I believe she breaks down and cries because she knows she may have really screwed up, and knows I have always treated her well and supported and loved her. Or it may just be she is mourning the death of her pst life, but her actions show she is really loving the new.

[kgcolonel]

Jeff, you know her better than anyone on this board....it just seems odd that she's dug this hole and then breaks down when the discussion gets a little close to the truth....

 

I understand that you have said too much water has passed under the bridge for any consideration of a reconciliation....do you think that if you had the facts / details, you'd be able to deal with this any better?

 

I think she knows that she has really f@@ked up here not only with you but also with the boys....

 

I really feel for you and hope you're able to get what you need asap.

[Marc878]

The reality of "they always come back" is that in most cases they don't. It happens but for that senario to play out they have to realize what they've done was totally wrong, be willing to admit it and are worse off for it. Most will never admit they made a bad choice.

 

Change is a hard thing even if you're in a bad situation. Why? Because it's a known. The future is not even though you may find your life will become much better you don't know it at the time. I've experienced this many times for different reasons.

 

When one door closes another opens. Your life after this is what you'll make it. IMO you have to go completely dark and forge ahead. You don't have young kids so you have a great advantage there. Any interaction will just drag you back to the painfull past and accomplish nothing.

 

There are too many great women out there to waste any time on this. You can see it now but you're young and in time if you play this right you'll find someone much better than you had. Plus you're going to be a lot smarter and wiser after this.

 

Many would envy you in the position you're in at this time you just can't quite see it yet but you will.

[LancasterAmos1966]

My wife up until this point in our marriage has always been an honest, loving and truthful person.

 

 

Jeff1690, I've been reading this board on/off for easily 6 years. Finally registered today to offer my 2 cents to your post

 

My summary story: My wife of 25 years was also honest, loving and a truthful person. But she no longer wanted to be in a relationship with me.

 

A few things helped me to recover:

 

Time.

 

Work.

 

Prayer....even though my prayers were very short.

 

Telling my teenage kids the truth, and nothing but the truth. I also encouraged them to never disrespect her just because she wanted out.

 

Buying books from Amazon.

 

There's 1 book that I'd suggest checking out. I won't post a link, but if you look it up, the title is Uncoupling: Turning Points In Intimate Relationships. No, I have nothing to do with the author. This old 1990 book probably never sold well because it doesn't help get your spouse back. Most of us go looking for answers on how to get our spouse back!! But this book was even more important to me than having my wife back!!

 

It helped explain WHY this all happened. And that is what I needed to help me move forward.

 

Very simply, according to the book, she wanted out. She wanted freedom from her marriage, and freedom from being a mother. My attempts to reconcile and to fix whatever was broken were preventing her from being free.

 

But once I really knew why she NEEDED to leave, I was then able to recover and move on within a matter of months. No sense in holding onto someone that really wants to leave.

 

And so, Jeff1690, it's obvious that your wife wants out. She is willing to risk losing the relationship with you and her sons. And in spite of her playing dirty, I hope that someday you can thank her for the 23 years that she was honest, loving and truthful.

 

No, I am not condoning her actions to lie about her marriage vow, and to break up a marriage and a family. But I know what helped me recover, and I just wanted to share some of that info with you.

 

Hope some of this helps.

[Marc878]

IMO 20+ years of a good marriage are wiped out with infidelity. They are meaningless at that point. They are nothing more than sunk costs.

 

Move on and don't waste your time on it. Obviously they didn't mean much to her.

[Jeff1690]

LancasterAmos1966 I will check the book out. Maybe it will help. But, I agree with Marc a bit here. Infidelity is the one thing on my list I told her I would never tolerate. I had ample opportunities on her deployments to cheat on her, dozens. Not once. Through my work trips same deal. Even during the few low points and especially the past year I never considered betraying her. I always told her if I ever thought about cheating I would tell her and we could work through the problems if not end it. I told her I would appreciate the same. I could deal a lot better with hey started wanting other men but have not cheated conversation and if unable to fix it walk away. It would hurt, but at least there would have been honesty and no betrayal.

 

She started falling out of love and never ever bothered to stop and sit me down and say "Hey we have a problem let's work through it together." She has become so wrapped up in her career, new friends, and freedom that she didn't even bother.

 

After doing some reading about successful women with mid-life crisis she checks almost every box. Personally I do not wish her any harm. I do however hope she one day feels the pain she has put me through. Not very Christian of me but it is what she deserves.

[LancasterAmos1966]

 

She started falling out of love and never ever bothered to stop and sit me down and say "Hey we have a problem let's work through it together." She has become so wrapped up in her career, new friends, and freedom that she didn't even bother.

 

 

 

The book I mentioned explains that our spouses did not set out to do what they did. It happened little by little, lie by lie, etc. Our wives were attempting to protect what they currently had so they really did not set out to destroy their marriage and family; but it happened.

 

They wanted to have their cake and eat it too. Impossible of course, but I know males and females do this all the time. I think of people committing crimes and wind up losing their good paying job. They took the gamble, hoping to not get caught. And now they lost so much.

 

Our spouses took the gamble, had a little fun, but got caught. It took us awhile to catch them because we never experienced that kind of betrayal before.

 

These boards helped me a lot, but that little book did something in my mind to truly let her go in a nice way. Of course I was disappointed. I lost my Beloved Bride, my best friend and companion!!

 

But once I realized she was not a monster, she was not a narcissistic evil witch that never loved me, and she sure wasn't out to to make my life miserable. She simply wanted out, and living in America, she has that right to get out.

[Mystery2Me]

Jeff,

 

Both Marc and Lancaster are both correct...Marc represents early stages of grief and Lancaster the later grief stages.

 

Cheating is a equal rights opportunity for husbands and wives. Because I was (still am a successful) wife and it was my former husband who went thru a mid-life crisis (in the end the cause does not matter) whom cheated and abandoned a 16 yr marriage.

 

Lancaster is only helping you to move from the raw but yes easily blunt truth Marc points out.

 

At the end of the day the truth you and we all know (pointed out here by Marc, Lancaster, and so many others)...always comes down to a simple question:::: So what are you going to do now?

 

I too after being a faithful, beautiful (still a size 4 today), and successful wife certainly deserved to know why the former husband chose cheating and deceit. But like Lancaster stated if that does not happened....then we as betrayed spouses have to make peace and move on.

 

Does this suck....Yes!!!!! But what sucks more is marinating in the toxic waste of the dramatic end of the relationship.

 

For me similar to Lancaster....my closure had to come from within me not from former husband that at some point....He loved me and I loved him as spouses. Now the love is gone from both sides.

 

Continue to push yourself past the healthy anger to growth and peace....long-term anger will keep you stuck and exhausted.

Edited August 13, 2016 by Mystery2Me

[LancasterAmos1966]

Mystery2Me, your reply is very well written. I used to print out replies/comments like these to have available to read when I had a few spare minutes. Thanks for sharing!!

[sandylee1]

Jeff,

 

I've just read your thread. So sorry your wife did this to you and your children. You're doing well considering all you have to deal with. You are a good man and in time you will find a loving woman to be with.

 

It's a shame your wife didn't value your marriage enough, but your mantra should be to not let her betrayal define you.

 

Having seen real life situations where infidelity has affected the relationship between children of the marriage and the cheating parent, I have to say this thread supports that reality.

 

The hypocrisy of a parent instilling truth, honesty and integrity, then wondering why their child looses respect for then, when they have had an affair. No better example of dishonesty, immorality and

lack of integrity.

 

However, if the act of cheating wasn't bad enough, the WS gets angry when you dare to tell your children the truth, citing cruelty and trying to ruin the parent child relationship. They want you to join in and be complicit in keeping the affair a secret. That's just ridiculous. The point to have thought about the damage has long gone.

 

If the relationship breakdown, the cheater just needs to look directly in the mirror to see who caused that.

[Jersey born raised]

Reflection is for later. Now is for focusing on divorce and getting into the best position for your new life.

[The_Onceler]

Reflection is for later. Now is for focusing on divorce and getting into the best position for your new life.

 

^^^ This. ^^^

 

Your brain will automatically drag you through the mental and emotional processing. It will take how ever long it takes. In the meanwhile, you will need to focus on the practical aspects of dissolving your shared life, so that you are in the best possible position to move on, when you are able to move on.

 

I think that is great advice. I am trying to follow it as I type this...

[oldshirt]

IMO 20+ years of a good marriage are wiped out with infidelity. They are meaningless at that point. They are nothing more than sunk costs.

 

Move on and don't waste your time on it. Obviously they didn't mean much to her.

 

I don't believe that.

 

Assuming the cheating wasn't chronic and throughout the duration of a marriage, I don't think an instance of infidelity negates the marriage of the past.

 

It may taint it or ruin it going into the future, but it doesn't necessarily negate the past.

 

If I find out that my wife cheated yesterday, that may stop our marriage from going forward into the future, but it doesn't erase the 20 years of history that we have had or the children we have raised or good time we had before.

 

It may cause me to question a lot of things going back, but it doesn't eliminate or negate them.

 

Infidelity destroys the present and often times the future. It doesn't have to destroy the past.

[Jersey born raised]

I've read thousands of posts by BS. The few who "forced" themselves to separate their actions to end infidility in their live's from their emotions without exception do better then BS who wallow in seif doubt and mixed emotions. So at this point forward try to post just about your sons and what you are doing to build a post divorce life and how to protect yourself during the divorce.

 

When the settlement papers are signed and only when they are signed than let's discussed the why's, what really happened and your emotions.

 

Live the 180.

 

Repeat a thousand times a day: While there are a thousand and one reasons for divorce there are none for adultery. The WS adultery defines themselves never the BS. The BS reaction defines them and only the BS actions define themselves. I will be a person who I respect.

[Jeff1690]

Excellent point Jersey Born!

[Jeff1690]

I got this from another forum. I think I have read just about every BH, infidelity post on LS. Reading others now. Reading these stories has helped cope better and also opened my eyes and also helped identify red flags I had missed in the past. This quote really hit home to me so I printed it off and thought I would share it:

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by morituri View Post

I wish I could claim credit for this masterpiece but I can't. It belongs to very wise member from another website. It should be etched in the minds of every man and woman who has been the victim on infidelity.

 

Just Let Them Go

 

The end result?

 

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,

let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

 

That is the end result.

 

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

 

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

 

Nothing else works better or quicker.

 

Let them go.

 

Agree with them and their feelings,

"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

 

Wouldn't that be true love?

 

If you really loved your spouse,

and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,

wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

 

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?

Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

 

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

 

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

 

But cheating, no excuses.

 

Think about cheating.

A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

 

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

 

Fighting the affair? For what reason?

To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?

What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?

They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

 

And for your last point,

The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

 

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

 

You give them what they want.

You don't fight them on this issue.

You agree with their feelings,

they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

 

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

 

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",

you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",

you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

 

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

 

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

 

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.

[Jersey born raised]

So what are you planning to do to follow it?

[Jeff1690]

Follow it to the letter? Hell NO! I don't want her back. I will not lovingly detach! But for some reason I liked this post just because I cherry picked items out of it that push me forward. My wife, best friend, and lover betrayed me. Tough hits but I am not flat on the mat. When I read things and I read a lot, I try to learn something from it, even if I don't agree with everything. I cherry pick.

 

Here is what I cherry picked and it gives me a little more motivation to recover. The crap in there I don't agree with just makes me realize the person I don't want to be and that helps to:

 

1. The end result is to respect yourself in the end,

let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

 

2. Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?

Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

 

3. You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else,

 

4. , there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse.

 

5. Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.

[Marc878]

Nice summary.