Wife of almost 23 years wants divorce [updated]

[LancasterAmos1966]

Mystery2Me, your reply is very well written. I used to print out replies/comments like these to have available to read when I had a few spare minutes. Thanks for sharing!!

[sandylee1]

Jeff,

 

I've just read your thread. So sorry your wife did this to you and your children. You're doing well considering all you have to deal with. You are a good man and in time you will find a loving woman to be with.

 

It's a shame your wife didn't value your marriage enough, but your mantra should be to not let her betrayal define you.

 

Having seen real life situations where infidelity has affected the relationship between children of the marriage and the cheating parent, I have to say this thread supports that reality.

 

The hypocrisy of a parent instilling truth, honesty and integrity, then wondering why their child looses respect for then, when they have had an affair. No better example of dishonesty, immorality and

lack of integrity.

 

However, if the act of cheating wasn't bad enough, the WS gets angry when you dare to tell your children the truth, citing cruelty and trying to ruin the parent child relationship. They want you to join in and be complicit in keeping the affair a secret. That's just ridiculous. The point to have thought about the damage has long gone.

 

If the relationship breakdown, the cheater just needs to look directly in the mirror to see who caused that.

[Jersey born raised]

Reflection is for later. Now is for focusing on divorce and getting into the best position for your new life.

[The_Onceler]

Reflection is for later. Now is for focusing on divorce and getting into the best position for your new life.

 

^^^ This. ^^^

 

Your brain will automatically drag you through the mental and emotional processing. It will take how ever long it takes. In the meanwhile, you will need to focus on the practical aspects of dissolving your shared life, so that you are in the best possible position to move on, when you are able to move on.

 

I think that is great advice. I am trying to follow it as I type this...

[oldshirt]

IMO 20+ years of a good marriage are wiped out with infidelity. They are meaningless at that point. They are nothing more than sunk costs.

 

Move on and don't waste your time on it. Obviously they didn't mean much to her.

 

I don't believe that.

 

Assuming the cheating wasn't chronic and throughout the duration of a marriage, I don't think an instance of infidelity negates the marriage of the past.

 

It may taint it or ruin it going into the future, but it doesn't necessarily negate the past.

 

If I find out that my wife cheated yesterday, that may stop our marriage from going forward into the future, but it doesn't erase the 20 years of history that we have had or the children we have raised or good time we had before.

 

It may cause me to question a lot of things going back, but it doesn't eliminate or negate them.

 

Infidelity destroys the present and often times the future. It doesn't have to destroy the past.

[Jersey born raised]

I've read thousands of posts by BS. The few who "forced" themselves to separate their actions to end infidility in their live's from their emotions without exception do better then BS who wallow in seif doubt and mixed emotions. So at this point forward try to post just about your sons and what you are doing to build a post divorce life and how to protect yourself during the divorce.

 

When the settlement papers are signed and only when they are signed than let's discussed the why's, what really happened and your emotions.

 

Live the 180.

 

Repeat a thousand times a day: While there are a thousand and one reasons for divorce there are none for adultery. The WS adultery defines themselves never the BS. The BS reaction defines them and only the BS actions define themselves. I will be a person who I respect.

[Jeff1690]

Excellent point Jersey Born!

[Jeff1690]

I got this from another forum. I think I have read just about every BH, infidelity post on LS. Reading others now. Reading these stories has helped cope better and also opened my eyes and also helped identify red flags I had missed in the past. This quote really hit home to me so I printed it off and thought I would share it:

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by morituri View Post

I wish I could claim credit for this masterpiece but I can't. It belongs to very wise member from another website. It should be etched in the minds of every man and woman who has been the victim on infidelity.

 

Just Let Them Go

 

The end result?

 

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,

let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

 

That is the end result.

 

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

 

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

 

Nothing else works better or quicker.

 

Let them go.

 

Agree with them and their feelings,

"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

 

Wouldn't that be true love?

 

If you really loved your spouse,

and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,

wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

 

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?

Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

 

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

 

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

 

But cheating, no excuses.

 

Think about cheating.

A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

 

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

 

Fighting the affair? For what reason?

To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?

What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?

They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

 

And for your last point,

The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

 

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

 

You give them what they want.

You don't fight them on this issue.

You agree with their feelings,

they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

 

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

 

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",

you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",

you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

 

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

 

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

 

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.

[Jersey born raised]

So what are you planning to do to follow it?

[Jeff1690]

Follow it to the letter? Hell NO! I don't want her back. I will not lovingly detach! But for some reason I liked this post just because I cherry picked items out of it that push me forward. My wife, best friend, and lover betrayed me. Tough hits but I am not flat on the mat. When I read things and I read a lot, I try to learn something from it, even if I don't agree with everything. I cherry pick.

 

Here is what I cherry picked and it gives me a little more motivation to recover. The crap in there I don't agree with just makes me realize the person I don't want to be and that helps to:

 

1. The end result is to respect yourself in the end,

let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

 

2. Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?

Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

 

3. You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else,

 

4. , there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse.

 

5. Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.

[Marc878]

Nice summary.

[desertfunguy]

Hi,

 

I am going through a rough situation myself. I wish my kids were in their 20s, and not younger teenagers. I am about to take my marriage of 15 years apart, unless there is a miracle. I read your entire thread, and truthfully, it hit home so much, that it actually made me ill. At the same time, I could not stop reading it. I think we have a generation of women, who have been thrust into the roles of men, (working, and equality), but they are psychologically different than us. I know there are some great ladies out there. There are just too many stories like this, and from my perspective, like you, I cannot imagine doing this to my wife. You and I would both protect them with our lives if need be, so this betrayal is unfathomable.

 

Our culture has turned into a disaster when it comes to family cohesiveness. Here is my suggestion. Lawyer up, and reduce your contact with her. Get the deal done, and then move on. You are lucky to have two sons, they will take your side, and from the way you write, I can tell you are a straight shooter. The websites are full of single women, and really it should not be that hard to find a companion, and maybe someone even better for you. There are a lot if bad guys out there, who just walk away and seem to have no remorse, so it sucks for guys like us, who are standing by our families, working our butts off to be tossed aside and devalued. Oaths meant nothing to your wife, or mine. That is a sad commonality.

 

I am still hurt and angry, so maybe take what I say with a grain of salt, we do have to live and move forward and I will be making my life the best I can make it. You do the same, and look after your boys. I wish I could sit back and drink a beer with you after reading all of this.

[Jersey born raised]

Those are emtional issues (but you are squared up in your thinking).

 

Let's talk about terms. Lets talk about custody. Let's talk about what is a fair division of assets.

 

By the way why does she want the house? Does she plan on living there at some point in the future? With her family gone what holds her to this place? Does OM/OW plan on moving there with her?

[Jersey born raised]

Desertfunguy he a lawyered up.

[Jersey born raised]

A decent lawyer will tell you what the law is and advise you how to follow it.

 

A great lawyer will tell you how and what to do to MAKE THE LAW GIVE YOU WHAT YOU WANT.

 

One type of person hires the former, the other the latter. Who are you?

[Jeff1690]

T

 

By the way why does she want the house? Does she plan on living there at some point in the future? With her family gone what holds her to this place? Does OM/OW plan on moving there with her?

 

if you read back I initially said she offered me the house. But, I put so much into retirement (4 years away) that I could not afford the house payment to get it paid off before I retired. Then she offered to make the payments. I told her no give me a buy out. At the time I did not even know about the affair. It wasn't till a week later that I discovered it. Go back and read her emotional issues.

 

The sons have moved back home and told her to keep it. Only thing holding us back now on the refi is we are waiting for damn W2 transcripts from the IRS (had identity theft not long a go it is some kind of safe guard). So I am hoping she doesn't get frustrated with the wait and cancel. Then we are back to square one.

 

As far as the other man moving in...well if my youngest is here he will probably get his ass whipped. Of course he lives here so maybe the wife plans on retiring now and moving lover boy in as part of her little dream world she is living in now.

[Jersey born raised]

Hi,

 

I was aware of the background you mentioned. What I am confused about is why did she decide to buy you out and not just sell.

 

I realize am being blunt in my tone with you. I do so because by focusing on building a new life and ending the old life is the best way not to collapae into an emtional pit of depair. While your life and mine are very different, the impact of adultery is in every way the same.

 

I discovered her adultery a month before confronting. I went into a shell to protect myself from lashing out blindly. I swore I would be the guy (and in was to a large degree) who would gather the facts, make a decision and carry it out with precision.

 

I offered reconcillation (reconcilliation is ONLY s promise to openly and honestly face the issue of adultery and then the issues in the marriage) on DDay but only if she immediately cut all contact with OM. I told her my down payment was the offer to try. Her's was walking away from OM despite her hopes for that relationship. She said she wasn't sure she could do that. I told her that was a form of no. Please take my hand and try. She said she just didn't know. I told her then her answer was him and walked away and executed my plans.

 

Exposure to ever person we knew. Filing the next day (I had already seen a lawyer and had papers drawn). Offered a buy out of the family home, etc.

Told her to accept the buy out or find a buyer or I would stop paying the mortgage and blow up both of our credit rating, that I would ge fine living on cash only - could she live like that? Anyway 4 months later I owned the home and she was out.

 

I defined myself by my actions. I defined myself by a person I could respect. A person who is willing to sacrifice to help their spouse (the offer to reconcile) but a person who refused to be used or enabled.

 

Hope you find this of use. Be well and be damn pround of yourself. You have been a good husband and father. Accept it takes two to reconcile. Be proud you offered. Be proud you have been fair and considerate to her.

[Jeff1690]

Jersey the reason she offered to do the buy out was two fold. She wanted to sell the house and told me I could have the profit. Then said for me to take care of all the arrangements. She said I could just move out with the boys while it was up for sale and live in an apartment and she would stay down south.

 

So basically she wanted me to do all the leg work and she would just continue on her marry way with no responsibilities. Also she said we could immediately get the divorce because she wanted it done quickly because the longer we took she felt the more chance of me thinking we could reconcile.

 

When the sons found out they got a bit pissed and told her she was the one who told them to move back home and now they and I were supposed to just move into a apartment, clear the house out and put most things in storage. They told her they wanted to stay in the house till they finished school.

 

I then told her if she wanted a divorce I was not signing till the house sold and she damn well better be coming home on her off days to clean the house and make sure it was ready to be shown each week. I said she wanted the divorce she could do the work. I then offered her the buy out option. Which basically puts a kink in her plan of freedom because now she will still have to maintain this household and her apartment. No sense in letting her enjoy herself to much. She can sell it when the boys graduate from college I don't really care. But, I will be damned if I will do all the leg work move out wait for a sale that may never happen or take forever to happen.

 

So for me the buy out is the best thing. I get cash. Pay off any outstanding debt and build my cabin and have no mortgage. I can then comfortably retire in a little over four years as I planned. I had planned to travel with my wife but I guess it will be just me and maybe a lady friend once I get over the destruction of my dreams by my wife.

 

Jersey don't worry about being blunt with me I have thick skin.

[Marc878]

So basically she wanted me to do all the leg work and she would just continue on her marry way with no responsibilities. Also she said we could immediately get the divorce because she wanted it done quickly because the longer we took she felt the more chance of me thinking we could reconcile.

 

She wanted the divorce quickly so that she could come out of hiding with OM and so that no one would find out what she was doing behind your back.

 

We just found each other after the divorce. (Cheater deception) But you checked the phone bill. Ouchey, plan failed!!!

[kgcolonel]

Jeff, I was planning to ask you how you were holding up but I can tell, you're not even close to being whipped. You sound strong and vibrant!!

 

Good for you. Hang in there.

[Marc878]

You won't be hearing much from her now that she knows you're onto her scheme. Probably stewing on it.

 

Nice job btw

[Jeff1690]

New Freaking twist!! Just found out the OM who I was told was the brother of her best friend is in fact her best friends ex-husband! He does go to his ex-wifes house for birthday parties, etc because the have two daughters together.

 

I am tempted to go over to the Best friends house and ask her what is going on with my wife and her ex. If the best friend looks confused I will pull out the hard copy of the phone bill between my wife and her ex.

 

If she knows it is going on it will not matter. If she does not it will most definitely throw a wrench in her friendship and the affair. I believe I will wait until I have my buy out.

[The_Onceler]

New Freaking twist!! Just found out the OM who I was told was the brother of her best friend is in fact her best friends ex-husband!

 

Isn't it amazing how, once they start with the lies, the exes seem unable to stop? And note how she hovered NEAR the truth, stating that the OM was the brother instead of the ex-husband.

[aeroguy]

Exposure to ever person we knew. Filing the next day (I had already seen a lawyer and had papers drawn). Offered a buy out of the family home, etc.

Told her to accept the buy out or find a buyer or I would stop paying the mortgage and blow up both of our credit rating, that I would ge fine living on cash only - could she live like that? Anyway 4 months later I owned the home and she was out.

 

Jersey born raised- I was sorry to hear about your situation....but I have to say that I wish that I had done some of the things that you did in my situation....I still may expose my STBX to the people we knew (primarily her side of the family, as I don't think they know the whole story), but I'm hesitant in that the STBX would retaliate....but I did like the part about stopping the mortgage payments....well played.

[Marc878]

New Freaking twist!! Just found out the OM who I was told was the brother of her best friend is in fact her best friends ex-husband! He does go to his ex-wifes house for birthday parties, etc because the have two daughters together.

 

I am tempted to go over to the Best friends house and ask her what is going on with my wife and her ex. If the best friend looks confused I will pull out the hard copy of the phone bill between my wife and her ex.

 

If she knows it is going on it will not matter. If she does not it will most definitely throw a wrench in her friendship and the affair. I believe I will wait until I have my buy out.

 

Was that another lie spun to deceive? Or was it a mixup on your part?