Wife of almost 23 years wants divorce [updated]

[desertfunguy]

Hi,

 

I am going through a rough situation myself. I wish my kids were in their 20s, and not younger teenagers. I am about to take my marriage of 15 years apart, unless there is a miracle. I read your entire thread, and truthfully, it hit home so much, that it actually made me ill. At the same time, I could not stop reading it. I think we have a generation of women, who have been thrust into the roles of men, (working, and equality), but they are psychologically different than us. I know there are some great ladies out there. There are just too many stories like this, and from my perspective, like you, I cannot imagine doing this to my wife. You and I would both protect them with our lives if need be, so this betrayal is unfathomable.

 

Our culture has turned into a disaster when it comes to family cohesiveness. Here is my suggestion. Lawyer up, and reduce your contact with her. Get the deal done, and then move on. You are lucky to have two sons, they will take your side, and from the way you write, I can tell you are a straight shooter. The websites are full of single women, and really it should not be that hard to find a companion, and maybe someone even better for you. There are a lot if bad guys out there, who just walk away and seem to have no remorse, so it sucks for guys like us, who are standing by our families, working our butts off to be tossed aside and devalued. Oaths meant nothing to your wife, or mine. That is a sad commonality.

 

I am still hurt and angry, so maybe take what I say with a grain of salt, we do have to live and move forward and I will be making my life the best I can make it. You do the same, and look after your boys. I wish I could sit back and drink a beer with you after reading all of this.

[Jersey born raised]

Those are emtional issues (but you are squared up in your thinking).

 

Let's talk about terms. Lets talk about custody. Let's talk about what is a fair division of assets.

 

By the way why does she want the house? Does she plan on living there at some point in the future? With her family gone what holds her to this place? Does OM/OW plan on moving there with her?

[Jersey born raised]

Desertfunguy he a lawyered up.

[Jersey born raised]

A decent lawyer will tell you what the law is and advise you how to follow it.

 

A great lawyer will tell you how and what to do to MAKE THE LAW GIVE YOU WHAT YOU WANT.

 

One type of person hires the former, the other the latter. Who are you?

[Jeff1690]

T

 

By the way why does she want the house? Does she plan on living there at some point in the future? With her family gone what holds her to this place? Does OM/OW plan on moving there with her?

 

if you read back I initially said she offered me the house. But, I put so much into retirement (4 years away) that I could not afford the house payment to get it paid off before I retired. Then she offered to make the payments. I told her no give me a buy out. At the time I did not even know about the affair. It wasn't till a week later that I discovered it. Go back and read her emotional issues.

 

The sons have moved back home and told her to keep it. Only thing holding us back now on the refi is we are waiting for damn W2 transcripts from the IRS (had identity theft not long a go it is some kind of safe guard). So I am hoping she doesn't get frustrated with the wait and cancel. Then we are back to square one.

 

As far as the other man moving in...well if my youngest is here he will probably get his ass whipped. Of course he lives here so maybe the wife plans on retiring now and moving lover boy in as part of her little dream world she is living in now.

[Jersey born raised]

Hi,

 

I was aware of the background you mentioned. What I am confused about is why did she decide to buy you out and not just sell.

 

I realize am being blunt in my tone with you. I do so because by focusing on building a new life and ending the old life is the best way not to collapae into an emtional pit of depair. While your life and mine are very different, the impact of adultery is in every way the same.

 

I discovered her adultery a month before confronting. I went into a shell to protect myself from lashing out blindly. I swore I would be the guy (and in was to a large degree) who would gather the facts, make a decision and carry it out with precision.

 

I offered reconcillation (reconcilliation is ONLY s promise to openly and honestly face the issue of adultery and then the issues in the marriage) on DDay but only if she immediately cut all contact with OM. I told her my down payment was the offer to try. Her's was walking away from OM despite her hopes for that relationship. She said she wasn't sure she could do that. I told her that was a form of no. Please take my hand and try. She said she just didn't know. I told her then her answer was him and walked away and executed my plans.

 

Exposure to ever person we knew. Filing the next day (I had already seen a lawyer and had papers drawn). Offered a buy out of the family home, etc.

Told her to accept the buy out or find a buyer or I would stop paying the mortgage and blow up both of our credit rating, that I would ge fine living on cash only - could she live like that? Anyway 4 months later I owned the home and she was out.

 

I defined myself by my actions. I defined myself by a person I could respect. A person who is willing to sacrifice to help their spouse (the offer to reconcile) but a person who refused to be used or enabled.

 

Hope you find this of use. Be well and be damn pround of yourself. You have been a good husband and father. Accept it takes two to reconcile. Be proud you offered. Be proud you have been fair and considerate to her.

[Jeff1690]

Jersey the reason she offered to do the buy out was two fold. She wanted to sell the house and told me I could have the profit. Then said for me to take care of all the arrangements. She said I could just move out with the boys while it was up for sale and live in an apartment and she would stay down south.

 

So basically she wanted me to do all the leg work and she would just continue on her marry way with no responsibilities. Also she said we could immediately get the divorce because she wanted it done quickly because the longer we took she felt the more chance of me thinking we could reconcile.

 

When the sons found out they got a bit pissed and told her she was the one who told them to move back home and now they and I were supposed to just move into a apartment, clear the house out and put most things in storage. They told her they wanted to stay in the house till they finished school.

 

I then told her if she wanted a divorce I was not signing till the house sold and she damn well better be coming home on her off days to clean the house and make sure it was ready to be shown each week. I said she wanted the divorce she could do the work. I then offered her the buy out option. Which basically puts a kink in her plan of freedom because now she will still have to maintain this household and her apartment. No sense in letting her enjoy herself to much. She can sell it when the boys graduate from college I don't really care. But, I will be damned if I will do all the leg work move out wait for a sale that may never happen or take forever to happen.

 

So for me the buy out is the best thing. I get cash. Pay off any outstanding debt and build my cabin and have no mortgage. I can then comfortably retire in a little over four years as I planned. I had planned to travel with my wife but I guess it will be just me and maybe a lady friend once I get over the destruction of my dreams by my wife.

 

Jersey don't worry about being blunt with me I have thick skin.

[Marc878]

So basically she wanted me to do all the leg work and she would just continue on her marry way with no responsibilities. Also she said we could immediately get the divorce because she wanted it done quickly because the longer we took she felt the more chance of me thinking we could reconcile.

 

She wanted the divorce quickly so that she could come out of hiding with OM and so that no one would find out what she was doing behind your back.

 

We just found each other after the divorce. (Cheater deception) But you checked the phone bill. Ouchey, plan failed!!!

[kgcolonel]

Jeff, I was planning to ask you how you were holding up but I can tell, you're not even close to being whipped. You sound strong and vibrant!!

 

Good for you. Hang in there.

[Marc878]

You won't be hearing much from her now that she knows you're onto her scheme. Probably stewing on it.

 

Nice job btw

[Jeff1690]

New Freaking twist!! Just found out the OM who I was told was the brother of her best friend is in fact her best friends ex-husband! He does go to his ex-wifes house for birthday parties, etc because the have two daughters together.

 

I am tempted to go over to the Best friends house and ask her what is going on with my wife and her ex. If the best friend looks confused I will pull out the hard copy of the phone bill between my wife and her ex.

 

If she knows it is going on it will not matter. If she does not it will most definitely throw a wrench in her friendship and the affair. I believe I will wait until I have my buy out.

[The_Onceler]

New Freaking twist!! Just found out the OM who I was told was the brother of her best friend is in fact her best friends ex-husband!

 

Isn't it amazing how, once they start with the lies, the exes seem unable to stop? And note how she hovered NEAR the truth, stating that the OM was the brother instead of the ex-husband.

[aeroguy]

Exposure to ever person we knew. Filing the next day (I had already seen a lawyer and had papers drawn). Offered a buy out of the family home, etc.

Told her to accept the buy out or find a buyer or I would stop paying the mortgage and blow up both of our credit rating, that I would ge fine living on cash only - could she live like that? Anyway 4 months later I owned the home and she was out.

 

Jersey born raised- I was sorry to hear about your situation....but I have to say that I wish that I had done some of the things that you did in my situation....I still may expose my STBX to the people we knew (primarily her side of the family, as I don't think they know the whole story), but I'm hesitant in that the STBX would retaliate....but I did like the part about stopping the mortgage payments....well played.

[Marc878]

New Freaking twist!! Just found out the OM who I was told was the brother of her best friend is in fact her best friends ex-husband! He does go to his ex-wifes house for birthday parties, etc because the have two daughters together.

 

I am tempted to go over to the Best friends house and ask her what is going on with my wife and her ex. If the best friend looks confused I will pull out the hard copy of the phone bill between my wife and her ex.

 

If she knows it is going on it will not matter. If she does not it will most definitely throw a wrench in her friendship and the affair. I believe I will wait until I have my buy out.

 

Was that another lie spun to deceive? Or was it a mixup on your part?

[Marc878]

To be honest it sounds like she's lied so much she's getting delusional.

[ladydesigner]

New Freaking twist!! Just found out the OM who I was told was the brother of her best friend is in fact her best friends ex-husband! He does go to his ex-wifes house for birthday parties, etc because the have two daughters together.

 

I am tempted to go over to the Best friends house and ask her what is going on with my wife and her ex. If the best friend looks confused I will pull out the hard copy of the phone bill between my wife and her ex.

 

If she knows it is going on it will not matter. If she does not it will most definitely throw a wrench in her friendship and the affair. I believe I will wait until I have my buy out.

 

I've got my popcorn ready! Omg your stbxww is about to get hit by a brick

[Jeff1690]

Marc I truly think she isn't thinking straight. I have known my wife 25 years and have never known her to lie or deceive anyone. She wouldn't ever even retaliate against people she screwed over. I guess she has lying figured out know. She was the one person I knew I could trust.

 

ladydesigner=don't eat that popcorn to fast. I am saving the exposure to the best friend till after I get my money and am out. I want it to be a sucker punch about a month after everything is over.

 

I can just picture the ex wife headed to her best friends for her daughters birthday, the ex-husband showing up in a different car as if nothing is going on between them. And then BOOM! The best friend unleashes............sorry day dreaming again, but have my fingers crossed

[Marc878]

Unfortunately for you and your sons that's usually how affairs work. Reasoning and common sense goes out the widow. They can't or don't want to see the future chaos left in their wake.

[Jeff1690]

Well wife once again destroyed my NC plans. Yesterday she called three times. First time I didn't answer. The other two times I did. Youngest son is now out of town on a college field trip so just in case it was something about him I did.

 

She did talk about his trip and his flight arrangements. However, she sounded just like my old wife happy, talking to me as nothing was wrong. She started telling me about her day on both calls. I tried to interrupt but it was like she was on auto pilot. I just set the phone down and put it on speaker. She would go back and forth about her day and what was going on with our sons so I wasn't sure I should hang up or not.

 

She could have done all this by text message. Which is how it started out. I had to delete her photo for when she calls. When she calls one of the most beautiful pictures I have of her pops up. It just really sucked to see that picture from better times and hear her voice sounding like it used to before all this happened.

 

All night I just kept having conversations with myself as if practicing what I wanted to say when she comes home Friday. I want to tell her so bad just how bad she has destroyed our family and our lives.

 

I have been pretty angry today. I got up and worked out with kettle bells for about 40 minutes. Took a shower and got on the Harley and went to go get my haircut. I road for awhile on back roads trying to clear my head of her beautiful face and that happy voice. No joy.

 

When I got home about two hours ago. I went down to the barn and worked out again doing calisthenics, pushups, dips, leg lifts, and pull ups. When I was done I showered and ate some lunch. I am exhausted and a double work out seems to have helped.

 

She hasn't seen me for a couple of weeks. The oldest son got home from the North West college trip yesterday. He could not believe my physical transformation since the last time we have seen each other. I am now down 20lbs. I have been going to the tanning bed and have a great tan. My wife always loved how dark my tan was. Nope not doing it for her. I am doing it for me.

 

She isn't the same woman she used to be but I know how she thinks. If she is in the friendly mode I know when she sees me she is going to like what she sees. I want her to see me getting back to my old self. I want her little brain to start thinking "wait a minute I am losing that." Yes I want that. I want her to come back to me so I can reject her. (I know childish).

 

Did a little pain shopping the other day and saw a picture of the OM. Nice gut on him. Former military guy you can still tell he has some physical assets but every picture he has a beer. My wife's taste run to athletic men. I knew this from when we dated in the Marines. She mentioned the weight I had gained after my surgery five months ago. Now she can have her beer swilling fat OM.

 

I will be released from medical leave in about three weeks. I am hoping that this will help me keep this **** off my mind. Being in this house is like being in a dream. The divorce is coming. She hasn't been here in a couple of weeks so I have had no physical interaction with her. So, I know it hasn't hit me all the way yet.

 

Sad thing is we are still waiting on the closing of the refi. I just love banks. So I have not got my buy out yet. This means by the time I get the buy out I will be back at work. Which means the process of doing most of the work on my cabin will be slow. I will be living in the basement until it is completed. That means I will have several more months of contact with her even after being divorced. I am so ready to get out of here and start over and start really healing.

 

One thing I have done is pack. I have packed up almost all personal items and clothing that are not needed. Down in the game room there is a wall that is stacked with boxes almost to the ceiling. I wonder what her reaction will be when she walks in our closet and sees my half almost empty. Then when she goes down stairs seeing I am getting packed and ready to go. I almost feel like this has not hit her either.

 

Yes she is in her fantasy world but I am still here taking care of the house and most things that come up with our sons. I made a point to make sure the lawn was cut etc yesterday. I don't want her to realize how much work she is going to have to do to maintain this place on her own (we have 10 acres). The house is still as clean as it was when we got ready for appraisal.

I can imagine what the place will look like with two college age sons who have free range of the house half the week while she is working. Helping her with yard work...not so sure that will happen. They like most college kids are always gone and busy.But of course when they are here like a lot of children they are slobs unless you get on them.

 

Tired of the roller coaster, but really interested as to what will happen Friday. Both in our conversations and her reaction to my physical and mental change. Packed and ready to go and looking better than I have in a long time.

[kgcolonel]

Jeff, it is good that you are making your self the priority here. Be sure to let the eldest son know about your wife's exploits with her friends husband...that should be additional entertainment.

[Jeff1690]

I plan to let him know. I am just waiting for the right moment. Want to be sure he hasn't got his mind on other things and will be able to listen and process. He is really close with his mother so I have to be careful how I present this.

[Mystery2Me]

Hi Jeff! Wonderful to read how you are reinvesting in your personal physical and mental health in managing the stress of divorce.

 

Know that her "phone-call" act could be to successfully throw you back into the good ole days so you will be more amendable to her during Friday's visit.

 

The ploy of past staging is quite common by the wayward spouse because they can not deal with the s@#&&y mess that have their family living in. In their twisted mind everyone is just as happy with the mess as they are .....of course she can call and talk with you as if nothing has every happened.

 

Now you of course do not have the benefit of her rose colored glasses and she sees her new man as physically perfect regardless of his true physical appearance. She's happily swimming the the fantasy life (while you are navigating the rapids), so any thoughts of her properly appreciating you more healthy physical transformation will be lost.

 

Not saying she will not notice your improvements but she will not process them in the way you wish.

 

May I kindly suggest you tell her that text messages/emails are the best modes of communication unless it is about the children. This will aid combat the audio cues from her voice.

 

Stay strong focusing on getting gaining your freedom from the divorce circus.

[Marc878]

The phone call was for her benefit. See we can be "friends". You should be civilly saying sorry I have to go and hang up.

[Jeff1690]

Well the calls started out about the kids. From now on I guess I will have to be forceful and say gotta go.

 

Still trying to flush the questions of why out of my head. Some days I wish she was here and I could grab her shoulders and scream at her to tell me why. Of course then my ass would wind up in jail for domestic abuse and of course she isn't worth that.

 

My biggest obstacle is that I have been on medical leave due to ACL operation during this entire thing. Only a little over a month ago was I cleared to really get out and be active. Trying to stay busy seven days a week when you are stuck at home is a task in itself.

 

I do a lot of reading, and reflection, and am trying to view this happening as a new path to better things. I know it is going to be a long road but I intend to make the journey as smooth and fast as possible. Hopefully one day I will meet a woman who will not betray me. Of course right now I have not even been thinking about women. Strange since I have always had a strong sex drive. I realize in that department it is gonna take me some time, so I am going to do that and do it right.

[Marc878]

Hopefully one day I will meet a woman who will not betray me. Of course right now I have not even been thinking about women. Strange since I have always had a strong sex drive. I realize in that department it is gonna take me some time, so I am going to do that and do it right.

 

Your feelings are normal from a betrayal after having been together for this long. Your heart has not fully sinc'd up to your head. You are still trying to see her for who she used to be. She's not there anymore. It's a pretty sad situation.

 

Look, when she comes home Friday she will likely pull the full cheater script on you. Blamesfting, gas lighting, etc. Her mission will probably be to convince you to believe her lies. No one in their right mind would swallow the facts. Cut of off intimacy, distance, THE PHONE BXiLL, etc. Stand tall and never back down from what you know.

 

Why? Your strength in this will get you some closure. You didn't deserve this as well as your sons. It's not written anywhere that you have to accept this crap. Yes, you have to deal with it but you don't have to be played for a fool. You're a mans man. Act like one. Never accept lies. You know the truth.

 

Let this be a defining moment for the next phase of your life.

 

I'd lay out no contact terms so you can move on. She's not your friend or anything else at this time. Try and not let your heart overrule your head. If you do you'll regret it. It sucks but it is where you are.

Edited August 18, 2016 by Marc878