Wife of almost 23 years wants divorce [updated]

[Jeff1690]

Wait - she's rarely home! You take the bedroom and put HER in the basement!

 

She cheated! She can stay in the dungeon (basement)!

:laugh: Sounds great. Really though our basement is completely finished. it is a little over 2000 square feet. Half of that is what my stbxw refers as my apartment. living room with big screen and big recliner, bathroom kitchenette, bed room with king size bed, and a work room. I spend most of my time down here. Rarely ever use any other part of the house.

[Jersey born raised]

Areoguy, don't feel bad for me. Yes the pain was intense. But what saved men was I defined myself by my actions. I never swore or called her this or that. I used the pain to focus myself to rebuild a post divorce life I was proud of, as Jeff is doing. Yes I have been blunt and questioned his reasoning. I do so because I want him to be the guy people think knows how to handle himself when it hits the fan. That is something to proud of.

 

For future a future wife (if any) I want her to say about me, Jeff or you:

 

----------------------------------------

 

 

Why improve yourself by the new wife of a BS*

 

As a side note I always find it very interesting when a person is hammering their ex mate so hard for cheating and refuses to accept any responsibility for anything that might have been wrong in the marriage.

 

My husband's exwife cheated on him and left him for the OM. She was pregnant by OM before the divorce was final. When I met him he admitted he knew he'd done things in the marriage which left it vulnerable to an affair.*

 

He owned his behavior.*

 

He didn't condone her affair but he accepted responsibility for his part in the demise of their marriage. That was something I had to respect. He worked on himself, in therapy, while they were separated and divorcing. When she wouldn't go to MC, he went alone, and I have reaped the benefit from that counseling. *

 

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Be well all

[Jersey born raised]

Did you notice who "reaped the benefits". Now that will frost the buns of a an ex wayward spouse.

[Jersey born raised]

One last note. You cannot be friends with this person. Friends do not destroy a friends like this. She crushed his future plans, she has inflicted self doubt into him, she has crushed her sons world. Friends help each other. She is calling him crying because of her loss. She is using him to fill areas other man does not. I talk with a friend who's exWW calls him him with person problems He thought they where not because of the OM and her's relationship. I looked at him and said of course it is about them. He does not to here about what is on her mind. He is shutting her out and being "unavailable" so she calls you.

It s not your place to to take his place in these matters. That's his problem to deal with not you. Besides all this does is stop you from moving on.

 

Well he stop now his sons tell him all they do his fight. All I can say is welcome to the real world.

 

Jeff share info of who other man with sons at this time. It is part of their plan to get them to except him as a great guy.

 

What you can do is be allies when it comes to your sons. Allies don't really care about each other lives. Only that the other party keeps up their end of the deal.

 

With this new twist her and OM game plan is out in the open. Hide get divorce and then find each other.

Edited August 18, 2016 by Jersey born raised

[Marc878]

Well wife once again destroyed my NC plans. Yesterday she called three times. First time I didn't answer. The other two times I did. Youngest son is now out of town on a college field trip so just in case it was something about him I did.

 

She did talk about his trip and his flight arrangements. However, she sounded just like my old wife happy, talking to me as nothing was wrong. She started telling me about her day on both calls. I tried to interrupt but it was like she was on auto pilot. I just set the phone down and put it on speaker. She would go back and forth about her day and what was going on with our sons so I wasn't sure I should hang up or not.

.

 

You didn't have to answer the phone or when you did you could have said "sorry, I have to go and hang up".

 

You aren't no contact because you can't let her go yet. The problem is she left you already. You're hanging on hoping it seems when you should be detaching.

 

Do not let her play you on Friday. She knows the old you and will try to manipulate her way out of the truth. Don't regret not standing up for yourself later.

 

Good luck

[road]

Well the calls started out about the kids. From now on I guess I will have to be forceful and say gotta go.

 

Still trying to flush the questions of why out of my head. Some days I wish she was here and I could grab her shoulders and scream at her to tell me why. Of course then my ass would wind up in jail for domestic abuse and of course she isn't worth that.

 

My biggest obstacle is that I have been on medical leave due to ACL operation during this entire thing. Only a little over a month ago was I cleared to really get out and be active. Trying to stay busy seven days a week when you are stuck at home is a task in itself.

 

I do a lot of reading, and reflection, and am trying to view this happening as a new path to better things. I know it is going to be a long road but I intend to make the journey as smooth and fast as possible. Hopefully one day I will meet a woman who will not betray me. Of course right now I have not even been thinking about women. Strange since I have always had a strong sex drive. I realize in that department it is gonna take me some time, so I am going to do that and do it right.

 

 

Why questions are pointless and totally useless for the answers are just more excuses.

 

 

The WS did the AP because they wanted to. They then used that want find justifications real or false. They took the easy fix instead of fixing themselves and or their relationship with the BS.

 

 

You now have the answer to WHY. No need to thank me.

[Marc878]

Why questions are pointless and totally useless for the answers are just more excuses.

 

 

The WS did the AP because they wanted to. They then used that want find justifications real or false. They took the easy fix instead of fixing themselves and or their relationship with the BS.

 

 

You now have the answer to WHY. No need to thank me.

 

Exactly. Cheater logic to justify in their own minds. That's why you accept nothing about this sordid mess. Never back up from what you and everyone who's seen this to be the truth. It's just a typical affair and your W is a proven liar.

[Marc878]

The problem you're having like most is you're still in love with who you thought she was. She has shown you through her actions (detachment, phone info with other man, hiding who he is/was) who she is. Believe her.

 

She will play on your feelings of who you thought she was. That's how cheaters get by with their lies and deceit. Most just don't want to believe the unbelievable even when it's right in their face and are willing to accept excuses. In reality there are no excuses. It's who she's become.

[Marc878]

Accepting lies = Accepting disrespect

[turnera]

Well the calls started out about the kids. From now on I guess I will have to be forceful and say gotta go.

Or just hang up.

 

"STBX, I will no longer talk to you about anything other than the kids. The second you start talking about anything else, I will be hanging up on you. Forewarned."

 

And then DO it.

[Marc878]

You've gotten a wealth of info. Good luck tomorrow.

 

You know how to handle yourself.

[Jeff1690]

I hope I won't need luck Marc. Since she has called I have been preparing how to hit her with every fact of her lying, and stringing me along in our marriage for over a year. However, after a good workout today it dawned on me I really don't need to. It will go in one ear and out the other.

 

I intend to find a time one day before the divorce if a civil conversation comes up about our marriage I am going to get it all off my chest in a calm manner. If that doesn't happen, well it won't happen. I guess part of me wants her to hear it from me that I know what she did to our marriage and family. Can't stand the thought of her thinking she duped me...well I guess she did for the past year or more

 

Did more reading today about life after divorce and what to expect for a man coming out of a long term marriage. These readings are helping me select (I hope) a path to happiness.

[Marc878]

Knowledge is power. You should have found a lot you didn't know before.

 

Good luck anyway.

[Marc878]

I intend to find a time one day before the divorce if a civil conversation comes up about our marriage I am going to get it all off my chest in a calm manner. If that doesn't happen, well it won't happen. I guess part of me wants her to hear it from me that I know what she did to our marriage and family. Can't stand the thought of her thinking she duped me...well I guess she did for the past year or more

.

 

She won't go anywhere near a conversation on this issue. She has to much to hide. Well, she may think it's hidden.

[Lowrider93]

Hey Jeff

I purchased my Lowrider in 93 brand new with 4 miles on it,a year after my first divorce, 50,000 miles and counting, so many great experiences and people and places that you can't capture except behind a set of bars with the wind in your face(no shield for me) that's what I treasure, my meaning of life.

 

During the course of my second marriage wife would always say, why don't you get rid of it, sell it. I think she was jealous. That would have been my only regret. Lol

[Jeff1690]

I love it as well. Been riding a Harley since I was 8 (1977). My first was one of the old Harley 125 cc bikes a 1975. When the wife and I were dating we used to ride up and down the east coast, beaches, blue ridge parkway. Go camping on the beach or off the road on my old 87 Softtail.

 

After the first kid she made me sell it. About 8 years ago I started riding again. Had a beautiful 05 Wide Glide but wrecked it 6 months ago. That is how I tore my ACL and been on medical leave since. I go back Sept. 7. Two months ago the doctor cleared me to ride so I pulled the Lowrider out of the garage. Only has 6,000 miles on it. I have put 3,000 miles on it the past two months.

 

I had intended to keep it as a garage queen since it is only one of 2000. But, with this divorce looming I can't afford another bike. So me and the lowrider are going to get really acquainted over the next few years. I have not been to Sturgis since 88 so I figure that ride will be an awesome way to get the feel of this bike on a really long road trip.

 

Got to make sure I am debt free first though. As soon as I am gonna have the wind in my face and the hammer down. That is one of my goals for my new life. Ride the back roads cross country and see where they lead.

[Marc878]

Did the stbxw show up today?

[Jeff1690]

Didn't show last night. It is 3pm now and she still isn't here. Not that I care it gives me more time to get used to her being with out her. Also no triggers.

[Marc878]

Didn't show last night. It is 3pm now and she still isn't here. Not that I care it gives me more time to get used to her being with out her. Also no triggers.

 

She knows you know and is in avoidance mode. Her secrecy and darkness unveiled.

 

Must be painfull. Bless her heart. Boo Hoo

[Marc878]

Civil and distant should be your order of the day. Her call the other day was to try to pacify and make nice. Funny how they can do that after stabbing you in the back and lie to your face.

[Lowrider93]

Hi Jeff , one thing you mentioned in an earlier post struck a chord with me also.

You had said that you wished that someday your stbx would feel the pain she has caused you and the boys. So do I brother, so do I. We don't wish physical harm, more like emotional retribution.

 

I have been split from ex for two months now, she calls me last week and begins to tell me how our family dog clamped down on her ankle and put her in serious pain and crutches for a week. Is that just $hit luck or Karma.

 

My point is the world is round.

 

Love the Blue Ridge Parkway Ashville,NC thru WV

[Jeff1690]

Well I ran to the store in town earlier around 430 and I drove past my wife's friends street. You can see her home from the road I was on. The wife was there.

 

Around 630 I decided to get out of the house because I didn't want to have her come home and just see me sitting in the house. I headed down to the local brewery and passed the time for an hour and a half nursing a beer and talking to a few folks.

 

I left just to go by and see if the wife had headed home. She was still there. so I decided to catch a movie. After the movie was over I stopped by uncles and talked to him for a few. Drove back by at 1115 and she was still there.

 

Walked in the door a few minutes ago and made a protein shake. While I was making it the oldest son came in and told me he had stopped by to see his mom at her friend's. He said I guess she is sleeping there tonight. Said it was just the friend, her daughter and my wife.

 

Not sure if you guys are right about her not wanting to face me or if she just really doesn't want to come home because I am here. Kind of crapped on my plans not to be present when she got home. She is a very curious woman and would most definitely ask where I had been. I had just planned on saying out with friends and leave it at that. That would driver her nuts because for years I have answered every question she has asked. She does not like being kept in the dark. So much for that plan.

 

Also the youngest son said she stopped by his girlfriend's place while he was there. Said he and the girlfriend had been arguing on the phone (gf went to the store). He had the phone on speaker so his mother heard the entire conversation.

 

After he got off the wife said to him you are just like your dad, always wanting to talk about and fix problems. He said he replied a relationship needs communication and when there are problems you should openly discuss them. The wife agreed. He said it was funny because as she started agreeing with him the look on her face suddenly changed like she realized what she was saying. He said he is 100% sure she realized that she was guilty of not doing that and she knows both sons know because they heard us talking and me saying you never even said there was a problem. You never told me a thing.

 

We will see what happens tomorrow.

[Marc878]

Not sure if you guys are right about her not wanting to face me or if she just really doesn't want to come home because I am here. Kind of crapped on my plans not to be present when she got home. She is a very curious woman and would most definitely ask where I had been. I had just planned on saying out with friends and leave it at that. That would driver her nuts because for years I have answered every question she has asked. She does not like being kept in the dark. So much for that plan.

.

 

Make no mistake she doesn't want to face the truth.

 

Do both sons know now?

[Formerfiveo]

I'm a new poster but long time lurker, and I've been following your story, Jeff. All I can say is that I am so impressed with the way you have handled this entire situation. In the end, it's all about doing the right thing, no matter the emotions, and you are a stand up guy. I hope I meet someone of your integrity and caliber one day.

 

My cabin will be near Skyline Drive in Shenandoah, and I'll be riding a bicycle - not motorcycle.

 

Carry on!

[Mystery2Me]

Hi Jeff! Certainly you are growing by leaps and bounds. It is natural to want the cheating spouse to "get it" regarding recognizing and acknowledging the mess she has placed her family in.

 

However focusing on what see is doing and trying to "get her" will only continue to keep you bound to the relationship...even if you do not have the same love for her.

 

Also she is not the same person anymore living in her dream world....which was exampled by how your son had to explain the importance of proper communication in a relationship. Because she is a full-time lair to maintain her fantasy world of course she rejects the notion of addressing/solving problems....because the problems allow her fantasy to exist.

 

Congratulations and continued success.