Wife of almost 23 years wants divorce [updated]

[TobyBoy]

Who do you suspect is the OM?

BFF brother?

BFF ex-husband?

 

If ex is the OM, how long has he been divorced?

[Jeff1690]

Toby initially believed to be best friends brother. Turned out it was the best friends ex-husband. They have been divorced a number of years. I am still tempted to turn the phone records over to bf and bomb her relationship. Hell she spent the night there last night and is going to again tonight.

 

Can't do that yet because I have not got my buy out. I am sure if I did the entire scope of this divorce would turn hostile quickly. Got to play long term.

[kgcolonel]

Who do you suspect is the OM?

BFF brother?

BFF ex-husband?

 

If ex is the OM, how long has he been divorced?

 

TobyBoy, the BFF brother is one in the same as the BFF ExH....Jeffs STBX lied and told him that the number she'd been calling / texting so much was her BFF brother when in actualality it was her ExH......

 

Try to to stay up.....just kidding, no one can stay up with his ex....what a tangled web.

[kgcolonel]

Jeff, I remember an ex fiancé that I had during college. I was so in love with her that I had actually lost myself in the R. I (then) had several times become suspicious of her but never really called her on the situations...looking back (35 years later, it's as clear as day....she was definitely cheating....what a B!!!

 

I don't personally see you rugsweeping we collectively just don't want to see you being taken and being sucked back into a false understanding.

 

Personally, I have always been one that likes to have one held accountable and the type of betrayal your wife has engaged in, is for me, one of the worst....you are handling it great! You know your wife better than anyone on this board and if anyone can get closure and some truth, you know how to do it. Thank about her triggers, use those to obtain what you need. I really wish you the best to this end.

 

Additionally, hope you're enjoying some good weather to get on the hog.....that is truly mind and soul cleansing!

[Marc878]

Do I believe a PA affair occurred? Yes I do. As far as a the beach trip is concerned I still don't know who she went with. I am sure it was OM, but that is my gut telling me. Which one should just about always go with your gut instincts.

 

I have told the other son. He just shook his head and walked away. Not sure what is going to happen when they both hit her with it. I just gave him the facts about the phone records because that is all I really have. All the spending can easily be explained away by her, the phone records can not.

 

Your son knew the truth as soon as you showed him what you found like everyone else.

 

She'll likely be PO'd. You'll probably get the typical Cheaterspeak. We're just friends. You invaded my privacy to cheat. This was none of your business and you had no reason to tell the kids, etc. You are the problem and this is what ended the marriage. Blah, blah, blah.......

 

Why? Because she is now caught up in her lies, etc. she has to justify her actions. They all react the same.

 

The thing is no one can be prepared to deal with this. You never in your wildest dreams ever though you'd be put in this position like everyone else. The ones that get through this the best get strong and stay there. You don't have to accept the lies and deceit just to get along. No one deserves this.

 

There is nothing that says you have to keep answering the phone when she calls. You'd be better off just to tell her texts and emails to discuss business or divorce issues. This will send the best message. Easier said than done but there is nothing you can say or to that can fix her. Only she can do that.

 

Even if she came back could you live with her history?

[TobyBoy]

Toby initially believed to be best friends brother. Turned out it was the best friends ex-husband. They have been divorced a number of years. I am still tempted to turn the phone records over to bf and bomb her relationship. Hell she spent the night there last night and is going to again tonight.

 

Can't do that yet because I have not got my buy out. I am sure if I did the entire scope of this divorce would turn hostile quickly. Got to play long term.

 

Ok thanks!

 

Now!! How can you use that information to your advantage???

 

First, this buy out....is it really a good deal or more 50/50 split?

 

You got your STBX by the balls!!! No way is she going to disclose any info on her affair or the OM......ever!!

[Marc878]

I think everyone here from reading all the posts want you to come out of this in the best shape you can. At least as prepared as possible. This isn't over yet so hang in there.

 

Remember the one true thing. None of us are perfect but you were a good husband and father. Nothing you did caused this. It's all on her.

 

Dont accept anyhing less. I always hate seeing the BS blamed for cheating and lied to. It always happens in these instances though.

[Jersey born raised]

An effective exposure will anger her because it destroys her ability to re-write the marriage history. After all the things a WS a done why re-writing is a mystery to me but I get they want to be the good person who's spouse drove them to it. The longer a WS is allowed to hide the adultery the more harm they will do to the BS.

 

When you expose strive to keep your anger out of it. I have never referred to my exWS [in pejorative terms]. Instead I will relate the effects her choice not to communicate with me her issues, communicate her sense of detachment, her choice to engage in adultery did to me, and in your case your sons. I also point out the revelation of a deep character flaw in her. Your wife is in a command position in the military. If she is does not have the character to deal with a problem in her marriage when will she betray those who serve under her?

 

Be well Jeff, be soft spoken but be as firm as granite on this subject.

Edited August 22, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
clarify language

[S2B]

Well, she certainly reinforced the extent that she's willing to lie to you. She's not just friends. She also still lies by staying silent.

 

Dude - she called because she knew you would feed her ego... Ask her to come back (looks like begging - weakness) and reminding her the marriage was good triggers her guilt (which she isn't about to acknowledge).

 

It's about power. She holds the power. You keep handing ALL of YOUR power to HER.

 

Stop handing her the power! No wonder she called - it serves a purpose FOR HER - she gets affirmation that she's STILL super important in your world while she treats you like yesterday's trash she forgot to take out.

 

Why must you supply HER that ego feed? She has ruined your like by being selfish. Treat her as such. She's a jerk. You're lucky to get rid of her since she's treating you so terribly!

[Jeff1690]

Great points. Maybe I made a mistake saying I was done asking questions. I guess in the frame of mind I was in I was just saying I am fed up with this **** the house is gonna be yours and I am out of here. Naturally that isn't how it came out.

 

I have been following the 180 as close as possible. Biggest problem I am having is trying to get my my brain wrapped around the fact that the woman I have been with for half my life is gone. Checked out without even letting me know.

 

I have been pondering how to steer myself in the direction of "she is out of my life". Creating new habits about who to talk to when I am down, see something interesting or whatever. Counting dating and 23 years of marriage that is a quarter of a damn century of habits. Just baffles the **** out of me how she could just flip the switch and do what she has done. I guess none of us really can understand that since we don't think like that..

 

Marc just to let you know I have read No more mister nice guy. Not all of it applies to me. However a lot of it does. I can see where I made a lot of mistakes putting everything first for her and putting my own feelings and desires aside. Of course I always thought that is what you are supposed to do for someone you love. At one time she did the same for me. But the book taught me a lot. Just wish I had read it a long time ago.

Edited August 22, 2016 by Jeff1690

[BluesPower]

Jeff as you may know, I recently found out that my wife was a drug addict for 25 years. All of our marriage for the most part, and I am not stupid by any means but I just could not figure it out until it just clicked one day.

 

I can understand how you feel about the time involved and you love that you had for your wife, like me you love deep, hard and long. You gave everything to her that you could.

 

At some point, not saying it is easy, but you have to. It makes it more difficult that she will not confess to the physical affair that she is having, that one is really bad, I have to admit.

 

Just because she won't confess, it really does not matter. Would it have been any easier if you had caught them in the act. Part of you has to get mad and take care of yourself.

 

She may never admit what she has done, but rest assured that she does or will feel the shame and guilt for what she has done.

 

It is just a matter of time. And, none of that is going to make you feel any better.

 

You just need to hang in there and take care of you. Good luck.

[LancasterAmos1966]

Creating new habits about who to talk to when I am down, see something interesting or whatever. Counting dating and 23 years of marriage that is a quarter of a damn century of habits. Just baffles the **** out of me how she could just flip the switch and do what she has done.

 

 

Those of us in long term marriages really had to face the "death" of our marriage partner, best friend, companion, etc. Doing things without her just seemed so strange.

 

My mom was married 50 years, and when my dad died, she recovered in about 3 years. She can go out to a Diner, Burger King, etc., and eat alone. Haha, I still go through the drive-through, or I need to go with some friends/family to eat inside.

 

The "flip the switch" actions drove me crazy too!! One time she called me about putting a muffler on her car. I said "You want to talk about mufflers, and I want to talk about our marriage." She wound up taking the car to the local garage and having it fixed because she was not happy about me confronting her.

 

I probably bought over 200 books from Amazon relating to marriage, and I must say that the only one that really helped me was the one I mentioned before. Uncoupling: Turning Points In Intimate Relationships. The author interviewed hundreds of separated/divorced couples, and those mini-stories helped me understand and accept that there are MANY that can flip the switch. And if I was going to heal, I needed to Accept that this is the way she is.

 

Jeff1690, your story will be different than my story, BUT there will be so many similarities that I'd say my wife and your wife know each other!!

 

Oh, and I'm glad you can ride your motorcycle!! I could not ride mine for the first year. Just felt so strange without her, but now I can hop on any time and go for a nice ride. Back then, I told myself that I lost 2 summers --- and I am not going to lose any more!!

 

Hope you have a great week as you work through this!!

[Marc878]

Jeff

 

The problem you have is your heart has not caught up to your mind yet. The heart will always betray you in these situations. Because it still sees her for who she was for 20 some years not who she is now.

 

You being a good husband and putting her first didn't cause this. She for whatever reasons become selfish and was only thinking of herself not you and her family. I doubt any of you were even given a second thought.

 

The problem is now the facts are out that a blind man could read and it's real uncomfortable for her. That's why she clams up and just leaves or doesn't come around. There is no excuse or explanation to justify this.

 

IMO, I'd just say I'm not a fool and don't need to hear your lies. She's needs the truth of what you know. The facts are all there in black and white.

 

However, for you right now stop answering the phone. All you'll get are lies and denial. Her attempt to cover.

 

I'll be honest in your mindset you want to believe her because it's easier than calling her on it. This is very normal but being in denial won't help you much.

 

You'll get it and will be fine. Hang in there. Don't accept her BS. You'll regret it later if you do.

[kgcolonel]

Jeff, you're handling this as well as can be expected....something my father taught me a long time ago....look for ways to "treat " yourself. Whether its going for a ride, taking time to read a book something just for you and value and prioritize it.

 

Have you had any feedback or insights from your oldest son that just learned of his mothers betrayal?

[LancasterAmos1966]

You being a good husband and putting her first didn't cause this. She for whatever reasons become selfish and was only thinking of herself not you and her family. I doubt any of you were even given a second thought.

 

Marc878, I'm sure you are correct about her not even thinking about how her husband and boys would feel. It seems to be normal in breakups because the initiator wants out.

 

From that book I mentioned above:

 

"When the goal is separation, initiators can not afford the luxury of sentiment. They can't make a break if they allow themselves to be moved by the partner's pleas, fears, attractiveness, or threats.

 

If they are effected - even momentarily - they dare not show it, for the partner would take even the smallest signal as a possible change of heart.

 

Initiators cultivate a stance towards the partner that is sufficiently angry, benevolent or detached to allow them to proceed toward physical separation, insulating themselves emotionally from the partner's efforts."

 

Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships, Page 116/117.

[Marc878]

Sounds about right. Momentary sentiment but hangs up and recovers composure before resuming the cheater script.

 

Cold and calculating.

[Lowrider93]

Is there a Cheaters forum here on LS, sure like to hear what they have to say.

[Marc878]

Other man other woman

[Jeff1690]

Well got some things done today. Met with the electricity department and they are putting my temporary power pole up! Spoke with the builder who is going to build the shell of my cabin getting things set up. Still waiting on the well to get dug. Ate lunch with my sons. Kept the talk away from the divorce and just enjoyed the time with them.

 

The wife called twice today and left messages saying the her paperwork cleared the bank. We will be closing shortly. Of course she is going back down south. Finally she texted me the info and I responded about an hour later. But get this. She says she probably won't be able to make it back for the closing and is going to have the JAG draw up a power of attorney for me to sign for her. Man if I wasn't an honest guy the damage I could do to her as I walk out the door. But, I am not that way and I am sure the boys would not be pleased even if they are pissed at mom.

 

Marc you are right about the heart and head not being in sync. You have said that several times. Glad you keep hammering it. Still hard to wrap the mind around but it will come. Your call on her hanging up to regain composure is spot on well and exactly what I think.

 

LancasterAmos1966 I ordered the book just after I read your post (Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships). Hopefully it will help me as it did you. What are you riding? I know what you mean about not having the wife on the back.

 

On a selfish note I worked out hard today. I guess because I noticed yesterday that my wife looks like she has gained about 10lbs. Nope not seeing things. Pair of shorts she was wearing used to be loose on her and a bit baggy. Looks like she is filling them out they were skin tight and the top of the zipper was a tad down. Maybe she has gotten comfortable around OM and has slowed or stopped her work outs.

 

Marc you are right from a previous post. She is on the wrong side of 40 if it doesn't work out with OM. NO ladies I am not being a chauvinist. She is just at the age where losing weight will be extremely difficult if she does not watch her diet and work out. If it will make you feel better same goes for guys.

 

New fantasy she goes from 5'2" 115lbs size 6 to around a size 10 or 12 weighing in around 135 or 140. She has always been petite but has been fighting the battle of weight gain as she gets older. I put her around 125 lbs. right now. legs and arms are still muscular but the mid section and butt looking a lot bigger. Amazing when you don't see someone for awhile what differences you notice.

[Marc878]

Next up find a tall slim one.

[Jeff1690]

LMAO. I will have to say my wife has had an awesome body almost our entire marriage. But I can see that slipping now. We met in the Marine Corps back after Desert Storm got married in 93 and in 2000 she went in to the army after a 10 year break in service. Most folks who do 20 are retired by 38-42. She just turned 48. The military is not for folks getting up in their years it is a young persons game regardless of job. She has said numerous times how hard it is to continue maintaining top physical condition. Her work outs have become infrequent at best as her responsibilities have increased.

 

But I will most definitely take the suggestion on a tall slender one. Haven't had one of those since before my wife. Be like changing the diet lol

[Marc878]

I'd say @35 5'10" should work out best. Look man if you're gonna do it do it right. Shapely legs and a tight azz.

 

Since we are here for you pics are a must. We'll have to verify to make sure you're on the right path.

 

You won't have great judgement at first so that's where we have to step in to sorta help you out.

[LancasterAmos1966]

But, I am not that way

 

 

LancasterAmos1966 I ordered the book just after I read your post (Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships). Hopefully it will help me as it did you. What are you riding? I know what you mean about not having the wife on the back.

 

 

 

Good for you, Jeff1690. You can hold your head high, and be proud that you did not intentionally hurt her.

 

That book: Again, it won't help you get her back, but there are many summary stories and information from the author that explains the patterns of separation/divorce that you might be able to relate to. My personal copy is highlighted and dog-eared on at least a dozen pages.

 

Knowing that there is a pattern to breakups was very helpful to me. The author never met me, but she was actually describing some of the exit strategies that went on in my marriage --- and it happens to everyone --- no one is exempt from the possibility of separation/divorce.

 

If you saw me, you'd think I was an Amish guy (there are Amish, Mennonite, Brethren -- I'm Brethren, we can drive cars, have indoor plumbing, etc). I thought I was exempt from this happening to me, so when my wife walked out on me and my 6 kids, it hit me like it hit you and everyone else.

 

Since you like to read, you might also google Shrink 4 Men. (I'm not sure of the policy on posting web address'es). It's geared more towards men with wives that are really mean and do some weird stuff.

 

After reading some of their stories, I was like Thanking God that my wife just walked out and didn't try to kill me or have me thrown in jail. The site says it's "A place where men can be heard and be listened to. Because men have feelings too."

 

The information might not even apply to you, but reading the online stories, and the replies by a Dr Tara J. Palmatier were helpful to me in the past.

 

Cycles: Don't laugh, but I have 2 Honda Rebels, 2 Honda Ruckus Scooters, and a 1984 Honda XL350R that keeps getting harder to start because my kicking leg is now 50 years old.

 

I have the 2 scooters for my daughters because they don't need cycle licenses, just a regular PA drivers license.

 

I read that it's important to continue doing holidays, and special activities with our kids ever after separation/divorce, so I do my best to keep those things up. I commend you for making time for your sons even while you are in the thick of this crisis.

[S2B]

Jeff as you may know, I recently found out that my wife was a drug addict for 25 years. All of our marriage for the most part, and I am not stupid by any means but I just could not figure it out until it just clicked one day.

 

I can understand how you feel about the time involved and you love that you had for your wife, like me you love deep, hard and long. You gave everything to her that you could.

 

At some point, not saying it is easy, but you have to. It makes it more difficult that she will not confess to the physical affair that she is having, that one is really bad, I have to admit.

 

Just because she won't confess, it really does not matter. Would it have been any easier if you had caught them in the act. Part of you has to get mad and take care of yourself.

 

She may never admit what she has done, but rest assured that she does or will feel the shame and guilt for what she has done.

 

It is just a matter of time. And, none of that is going to make you feel any better.

 

You just need to hang in there and take care of you. Good luck.

 

Not to derail - but:

 

How do you not notice you're wife is an addict for 25 years?

[Jeff1690]

Well the bank called today and advised we could not do a power of attorney for the refi. So next Tuesday is closing and I will get my money a week later. When I called the wife to advise her she threw a hissy fit.

 

She complained that she would have to take a day off of work. My reply got me hung up on. I told her if she could take two days off to sneak down to the beach with her boyfriend she could take a day off to come home and get this done so we could move forward. I got a "I don't have a boyfriend, quit saying that." and she hung up. She called back a few minutes later and said she would be there.

 

What the hell is her problem? She has been pushing this chomping at the bit to get this divorce done and now she is complaining because she will have to stay home one extra day.

 

This is a bit scary since the dream stage of is this divorce really happening is about to come to life. Rode the motorcycle today and cleared my mind of doubt about how I was going to continue my life with her not in it. I realized that once I am out I will live my life for me. This thought has occurred before but it is like I forget it some days. Love the roller coaster! Might have to get a picture of a roller coaster tattooed to my chest to remind me of the good times I am having.