Wife of almost 23 years wants divorce [updated]

[LancasterAmos1966]

You being a good husband and putting her first didn't cause this. She for whatever reasons become selfish and was only thinking of herself not you and her family. I doubt any of you were even given a second thought.

 

Marc878, I'm sure you are correct about her not even thinking about how her husband and boys would feel. It seems to be normal in breakups because the initiator wants out.

 

From that book I mentioned above:

 

"When the goal is separation, initiators can not afford the luxury of sentiment. They can't make a break if they allow themselves to be moved by the partner's pleas, fears, attractiveness, or threats.

 

If they are effected - even momentarily - they dare not show it, for the partner would take even the smallest signal as a possible change of heart.

 

Initiators cultivate a stance towards the partner that is sufficiently angry, benevolent or detached to allow them to proceed toward physical separation, insulating themselves emotionally from the partner's efforts."

 

Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships, Page 116/117.

[Marc878]

Sounds about right. Momentary sentiment but hangs up and recovers composure before resuming the cheater script.

 

Cold and calculating.

[Lowrider93]

Is there a Cheaters forum here on LS, sure like to hear what they have to say.

[Marc878]

Other man other woman

[Jeff1690]

Well got some things done today. Met with the electricity department and they are putting my temporary power pole up! Spoke with the builder who is going to build the shell of my cabin getting things set up. Still waiting on the well to get dug. Ate lunch with my sons. Kept the talk away from the divorce and just enjoyed the time with them.

 

The wife called twice today and left messages saying the her paperwork cleared the bank. We will be closing shortly. Of course she is going back down south. Finally she texted me the info and I responded about an hour later. But get this. She says she probably won't be able to make it back for the closing and is going to have the JAG draw up a power of attorney for me to sign for her. Man if I wasn't an honest guy the damage I could do to her as I walk out the door. But, I am not that way and I am sure the boys would not be pleased even if they are pissed at mom.

 

Marc you are right about the heart and head not being in sync. You have said that several times. Glad you keep hammering it. Still hard to wrap the mind around but it will come. Your call on her hanging up to regain composure is spot on well and exactly what I think.

 

LancasterAmos1966 I ordered the book just after I read your post (Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships). Hopefully it will help me as it did you. What are you riding? I know what you mean about not having the wife on the back.

 

On a selfish note I worked out hard today. I guess because I noticed yesterday that my wife looks like she has gained about 10lbs. Nope not seeing things. Pair of shorts she was wearing used to be loose on her and a bit baggy. Looks like she is filling them out they were skin tight and the top of the zipper was a tad down. Maybe she has gotten comfortable around OM and has slowed or stopped her work outs.

 

Marc you are right from a previous post. She is on the wrong side of 40 if it doesn't work out with OM. NO ladies I am not being a chauvinist. She is just at the age where losing weight will be extremely difficult if she does not watch her diet and work out. If it will make you feel better same goes for guys.

 

New fantasy she goes from 5'2" 115lbs size 6 to around a size 10 or 12 weighing in around 135 or 140. She has always been petite but has been fighting the battle of weight gain as she gets older. I put her around 125 lbs. right now. legs and arms are still muscular but the mid section and butt looking a lot bigger. Amazing when you don't see someone for awhile what differences you notice.

[Marc878]

Next up find a tall slim one.

[Jeff1690]

LMAO. I will have to say my wife has had an awesome body almost our entire marriage. But I can see that slipping now. We met in the Marine Corps back after Desert Storm got married in 93 and in 2000 she went in to the army after a 10 year break in service. Most folks who do 20 are retired by 38-42. She just turned 48. The military is not for folks getting up in their years it is a young persons game regardless of job. She has said numerous times how hard it is to continue maintaining top physical condition. Her work outs have become infrequent at best as her responsibilities have increased.

 

But I will most definitely take the suggestion on a tall slender one. Haven't had one of those since before my wife. Be like changing the diet lol

[Marc878]

I'd say @35 5'10" should work out best. Look man if you're gonna do it do it right. Shapely legs and a tight azz.

 

Since we are here for you pics are a must. We'll have to verify to make sure you're on the right path.

 

You won't have great judgement at first so that's where we have to step in to sorta help you out.

[LancasterAmos1966]

But, I am not that way

 

 

LancasterAmos1966 I ordered the book just after I read your post (Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships). Hopefully it will help me as it did you. What are you riding? I know what you mean about not having the wife on the back.

 

 

 

Good for you, Jeff1690. You can hold your head high, and be proud that you did not intentionally hurt her.

 

That book: Again, it won't help you get her back, but there are many summary stories and information from the author that explains the patterns of separation/divorce that you might be able to relate to. My personal copy is highlighted and dog-eared on at least a dozen pages.

 

Knowing that there is a pattern to breakups was very helpful to me. The author never met me, but she was actually describing some of the exit strategies that went on in my marriage --- and it happens to everyone --- no one is exempt from the possibility of separation/divorce.

 

If you saw me, you'd think I was an Amish guy (there are Amish, Mennonite, Brethren -- I'm Brethren, we can drive cars, have indoor plumbing, etc). I thought I was exempt from this happening to me, so when my wife walked out on me and my 6 kids, it hit me like it hit you and everyone else.

 

Since you like to read, you might also google Shrink 4 Men. (I'm not sure of the policy on posting web address'es). It's geared more towards men with wives that are really mean and do some weird stuff.

 

After reading some of their stories, I was like Thanking God that my wife just walked out and didn't try to kill me or have me thrown in jail. The site says it's "A place where men can be heard and be listened to. Because men have feelings too."

 

The information might not even apply to you, but reading the online stories, and the replies by a Dr Tara J. Palmatier were helpful to me in the past.

 

Cycles: Don't laugh, but I have 2 Honda Rebels, 2 Honda Ruckus Scooters, and a 1984 Honda XL350R that keeps getting harder to start because my kicking leg is now 50 years old.

 

I have the 2 scooters for my daughters because they don't need cycle licenses, just a regular PA drivers license.

 

I read that it's important to continue doing holidays, and special activities with our kids ever after separation/divorce, so I do my best to keep those things up. I commend you for making time for your sons even while you are in the thick of this crisis.

[Jeff1690]

Well the bank called today and advised we could not do a power of attorney for the refi. So next Tuesday is closing and I will get my money a week later. When I called the wife to advise her she threw a hissy fit.

 

She complained that she would have to take a day off of work. My reply got me hung up on. I told her if she could take two days off to sneak down to the beach with her boyfriend she could take a day off to come home and get this done so we could move forward. I got a "I don't have a boyfriend, quit saying that." and she hung up. She called back a few minutes later and said she would be there.

 

What the hell is her problem? She has been pushing this chomping at the bit to get this divorce done and now she is complaining because she will have to stay home one extra day.

 

This is a bit scary since the dream stage of is this divorce really happening is about to come to life. Rode the motorcycle today and cleared my mind of doubt about how I was going to continue my life with her not in it. I realized that once I am out I will live my life for me. This thought has occurred before but it is like I forget it some days. Love the roller coaster! Might have to get a picture of a roller coaster tattooed to my chest to remind me of the good times I am having.

[Lowrider93]

Excellent comeback on her reaction to having to take the day off, now your getting it, a little sarcasm goes a long way.

[Marc878]

She complained that she would have to take a day off of work. My reply got me hung up on. I told her if she could take two days off to sneak down to the beach with her boyfriend she could take a day off to come home and get this done so we could move forward. I got a "I don't have a boyfriend, quit saying that." and she hung up. She called back a few minutes later and said she would be there.

 

What the hell is her problem? She has been pushing this chomping at the bit to get this divorce done and now she is complaining because she will have to stay home one extra day.

 

Why? Because the truth is like kryptonite to a cheater. Nice job of not swallowing her lies.

 

However, in the future if I had to contact her it would be text only. Once the divorce is final I'd go completely dark. You'll be surprised once you remove all doubt of who she is now and establish a true no contact policy how quickly you'll move on to a happier time. Get out of the infidelity.

 

Lose a cheater and gain a life. You can't see it clearly yet but you will.

 

How are your sons doing?

[Jeff1690]

I agree Marc, I should be texting or emailing, but when it comes to money issues and our sons I prefer talking. I will make an effort though because you are correct got to let it all go.

 

The sons are doing well it seems. I try not to bring up their mother I am just wondering how long it will be before they bring up the phone records they know about. Of course they may both go from angry to rug sweeping. I mean who wants to know their mother was spreading her legs for another man?

[Friskyone4u]

Jeff,

 

What a story. You are a strong man.

Just one comment. I am obviously NOT a shrink or expert on child sex abuse, but I did read another thread on SI where a guy's wife who had been abused at about age 40 did the same thing your wife did to an extent.

 

Stopped having sex with him but DID have plenty of it with OM#1. She needed affairs to have the power over men that she did not have when abused. After affair for a while said she wanted R, then rinse and repeat until OM#4 she wanted open marriage and openly dated other men JUST FOR SEX, but not with hubby.

 

After three years of that crap he finally pulled the plug but not before he almost got driven to a state of suicidal depression.

 

Probably not the same thing but I just thought I would mention it. Your wife is not going to tell you jack **** about what she has done or with who, and I would be real surprised if her friend does not know she is banging the ex husband. I would not waste my time at this point.

 

It looks like you will come out of this at least financially somewhat intact. Your kids are old enough to understand the truth and are not a financial burden at this point, and you are still a relatively young man. It could be worse, believe me. All you have to do is rerad some of thisd **** on here and you will know that.

 

Hang in there and thank you for your service.

[Jeff1690]

Frisky I do believe her sexual abuse has something to do with it. Of course she has always been a straight lace honest person, till now. Her SA isn't what made her make the choice she made it. But, like a SA councilor friend of mine told me, she will destroy whatever she loves if she does not get help.

 

She has always had problems showing me her feelings. She bottles up. IN the past I was always able to get things out of her and let her reveal her feelings at her own pace. However the older she has gotten it seems like more walls she puts up.

 

Her being in the military has always been a self esteem builder and breaker. The military is still a man's world. Many times while visiting her individuals would come to her office and ask for who is in charge and asked if she was the secretary. I know this hit her hard every time. She is so hell bent on proving herself she never asks for help.

 

I just wonder if it will ever hit her with what she has done. She may just cope with it and justify it to save her self esteem. One time she told me all she wanted was to be alone. I hope she gets her dream one day.

[Marc878]

I agree Marc, I should be texting or emailing, but when it comes to money issues and our sons I prefer talking. I will make an effort though because you are correct got to let it all go.

 

The sons are doing well it seems. I try not to bring up their mother I am just wondering how long it will be before they bring up the phone records they know about. Of course they may both go from angry to rug sweeping. I mean who wants to know their mother was spreading her legs for another man?

 

Tell them who he is do when she tries yo introduce them they'll know.

[Marc878]

I agree Marc, I should be texting or emailing, but when it comes to money issues and our sons I prefer talking. I will make an effort though because you are correct got to let it all go.

 

You're normal. Part of you can't let it go.

 

I suspect you still want to talk thinking she'll come to her senses but silence is your best course of action. You need to free yourself from this attachment.

 

Sorry man but there isn't a better way.

[Marc878]

Her best friend deserves to know the truth about your stbxw. Tell the friend the extent of your wife's betrayal. That way she can understand your wife is no longer the gal she USED TO BE. That gal is long gone.

 

I second this. I'd also inform her she told you he was her brother. Show her the phonebill.

 

I'd also ask her if she knew this was going on. She may be an affair enabler as odd as it sounds.

 

Nothing like the truth.

[Jeff1690]

Her best friend deserves to know the truth about your stbxw. Tell the friend the extent of your wife's betrayal. That way she can understand your wife is no longer the gal she USED TO BE. That gal is long gone.

 

That is the plan. I am going to wait until the cabin is complete and I am out of the house for good. At first I thought it would be a bit childish to do. However, I thought shouldn't her best friend know what has become of Mrs. Honesty and Integrity? I really don't think her friend knows.

 

Why should my wife get to destroy my life without repercussions. I have already exposed what I know to family and friends. So I feel that a letter to the best friend with questions about if she knows why my wife did what she did and did she know. Then include the phone records.

 

I will expect I will get an immediate phone call from the wife once confronted by the friend. That is a phone call that will never be returned. Let her wonder why I would do that. Let her try to mend a relationship with a girlfriend she went on two deployments with. Then let her and the ex-husband try to work things out. I can almost guarantee the best friend will be dishing out repercussions when it comes to their daughters.

[LancasterAmos1966]

However, I thought shouldn't her best friend know what has become of Mrs. Honesty and Integrity? I really don't think her friend knows.

 

 

Jeff1690, Telling the the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth is usually the best route to take in life. You might get accused of being childish, but at this point, you'll get accused of a lot of things that are not true!!!!

[Mumbles]

G'day Jeff1690

 

I've read the whole thread, all 23 pages of it. Its a saga this damn thing, separation, divorce, moving on. Like so many others that have posted, I am post divorce as well and can still vividly feel the pain of it even though its been many years now.

 

I could write a lot, but our circumstances are quite different - the commonality is that once you get past the reasons, and there are always reasons, in your case its infidelity, mine was different, but anyway, once you get past all that our experiences (all of us) will usually be remarkably similar.

 

The divorce itself is a social and legal process and while our lives are being turned upside down its important to just focus on the process and keep it moving forward. You are doing exactly that and I commend you for it. Its not always easy and in my case on several occasions I caused unnecessary delay because I was feeling overwhelmed and just needed breathing space and time to then recoup and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

 

But anyway, none of that is why I'm posting.

 

From my experience, your real 'moving forward' and starting to feel better will start when you move out of the house. For me, the house we bought (and paid off) together was a symbol of the life we used to have, which was good, when it was good - once it was no longer good and the divorce was imminent, it didn't help me to have to return to it each day. I couldn't move ahead with my life and I just focused on the pain of it all.

 

I got a payout from my wife in much the same way you are pursuing. She kept the house (mutually agreed) and I got cash. All legally signed off and monitored by lawyers. It was difficult. But, lucky for me and for you too judging by the postings, as much as can be expected, it was a non acrimonious deal.

 

I bought another house, moved in and the real adult separation could, in truth, begin. I won't lie to you - sleeping in a strange house by myself was no easy ride. But healing started here and moved forward in a positive way.

[Jeff1690]

Mumbles, thanks for your response. I think you are spot on with your assessment about being in the house. As I said before it is almost surreal being here. I have an entire wall in the game room filled with boxes yet I am still here. This is still my home. My sons are here my life is here.

 

The other day when the bank called about the closing date for the refi I will have to admit I got a bit overwhelmed, things were finally moving again. Sad thing is once I get the money I will still be here and it will be two or three months before I can complete the interior of the cabin. So even after the divorce takes place (lawyer said it would take 30 days once paper work turned in) I will still be here.

 

I need this to be over soon, I know I need to get out to properly begin and adjust to my new life. Last night I spent several hours dwelling on my wife and the OM. I was totally filled with anger. Probably didn't fall asleep till 2am. What made me even more made is that I was allowing her to control my feelings once again.

 

Again thanks for the response. I wish more people would respond and give input. The more the better as far as healing goes in my opinion. I see that there are over 19,000 views to this thread. Would be nice to have 19,000 opinions, and words of support, and advice lol.

[turnera]

IIWY, I'd start spending part of my time on my friends' couches. At least once or twice a week. Or else take a week of vacation to get the cabin finished.

[Lowrider93]

Hi Jeff, it's ok that your getting some of the anger out in a manner which doesn't create any harm to yourself or anyone around you, it's a rollercoaster.

 

Can I ask you, do you "hate your wife"for what she has done?

Or do you just hate what she has done to you?, there is a difference.

 

Keep yourself busy, the time will fly by.

 

Ride safe

[Lobe]

I'm all over leaving the marital home - it's tainted.

 

Good luck with your cabin - may it always feel like your own special haven.