Wife of almost 23 years wants divorce [updated]

[Jeff1690]

Hi Jeff, it's ok that your getting some of the anger out in a manner which doesn't create any harm to yourself or anyone around you, it's a rollercoaster.

 

Can I ask you, do you "hate your wife"for what she has done?

Or do you just hate what she has done to you?, there is a difference.

 

Keep yourself busy, the time will fly by.

 

Ride safe

Lowrider, I do not hate my wife. I hate what she has done. I am accepting the fact that the woman I considered my best friend and wife no longer exist. I hate that she chose not to come to me and communicate her feelings. I hate that she would actually turn to another man. I hate that it seems she has walked away from the greatest thing she has been a part of, and that is her family.

 

When we were friends and then dating she used to talk about how screwed up and dysfunctional her family was and how she dreamed of having a wonderful family. Now she has made her own family the same as what she got away from. She had it all. Loving husband, great sons, awesome job, beautiful home. Now she has a betrayed hurt and angry husband, two sons her are disgusted with what she has done. She will still have the house though. Maybe that will make her happy when it is just her living here.

[Jeff1690]

I'm all over leaving the marital home - it's tainted.

 

Good luck with your cabin - may it always feel like your own special haven.

 

That is how I feel. Had nothing but great memories here except the last year has ruined all that. It will take time to adjust to my new home, but it will be mine. I will make new happy memories there.

[tinkerbell16]

That is how I feel. Had nothing but great memories here except the last year has ruined all that. It will take time to adjust to my new home, but it will be mine. I will make new happy memories there.

 

I feel that way about my "new" home. It is a special place. A symbol of my new beginning. Your place sounds like it will be amazing ")

Hugs, Tink

[tinkerbell16]

Lowrider, I do not hate my wife. I hate what she has done. I am accepting the fact that the woman I considered my best friend and wife no longer exist. I hate that she chose not to come to me and communicate her feelings. I hate that she would actually turn to another man. I hate that it seems she has walked away from the greatest thing she has been a part of, and that is her family.

 

When we were friends and then dating she used to talk about how screwed up and dysfunctional her family was and how she dreamed of having a wonderful family. Now she has made her own family the same as what she got away from. She had it all. Loving husband, great sons, awesome job, beautiful home. Now she has a betrayed hurt and angry husband, two sons her are disgusted with what she has done. She will still have the house though. Maybe that will make her happy when it is just her living here.

 

Be prepared for her to never be happy again, and her coming back to tell you that. It is a mind f#@k.

[Jeff1690]

Be prepared for her to never be happy again, and her coming back to tell you that. It is a mind f#@k.

 

I read your post about what you are going through. I hope I don't have to go through that. I appreciate you sharing that as it gives me more to think about and prepare for.

[Marc878]

How are you and your sons doing?

[Jeff1690]

Doing good today. Had a great workout but other than that just sat around the house watching the tv. I go back to work 7 September. After being off for almost 6 months I really don't want to, but got to get that retirement.

 

The youngest one called from work today on his break. He just wanted to vent and talk about his mom. He says he still loves her but told her yesterday he doesn't care how she feels about the divorce and that she made her bed and she could just lay in it. Told her he was just worried about me. Funny thing he must be reading these forums. He told her again Thanksgiving and Christmas with the four of us was a no go. He told her she just wants to believe everyone is all happy. He said she wants that so she can justify her actions . and nothing can justify breaking up a family with out trying to save it. He still has not told her he knows about the OM.

Edited August 27, 2016 by Jeff1690

[beautifulinside2]

Hi I check in and read your posts every couple of days and I want you to know that you are courageous and doing very well considering your circumstances. Have you thought about the idea that the OM and her friend may already know perhaps an open marriage type of situation?

[Marc878]

Doing good today. Had a great workout but other than that just sat around the house watching the tv. I go back to work 7 September. After being off for almost 6 months I really don't want to, but got to get that retirement.

 

The youngest one called from work today on his break. He just wanted to vent and talk about his mom. He says he still loves her but told her yesterday he doesn't care how she feels about the divorce and that she made her bed and she could just lay in it. Told her he was just worried about me. Funny thing he must be reading these forums. He told her again Thanksgiving and Christmas with the four of us was a no go. He told her she just wants to believe everyone is all happy. He said she wants that so she can justify her actions . and nothing can justify breaking up a family with out trying to save it. He still has not told her he knows about the OM.

 

Wow, smart kid!!!! Oh, we can all be "friends". She's a wanna be cake eater.

 

How's the oldest doing?

[Marc878]

Hi I check in and read your posts every couple of days and I want you to know that you are courageous and doing very well considering your circumstances. Have you thought about the idea that the OM and her friend may already know perhaps an open marriage type of situation?

 

This does sound odd. Especially the wife passing him off to be her brother. I'd definitely call that one out after I got the check.

 

Don't be surprised at what surfaces here.

[kgcolonel]

Jeff, interesting expectation on your WW's part that the holidays would look like they did before her deed....

 

I understand that your sons will be living in the family home while going to school, you'll be at your cabin . So....how will the holidays work, will your boys come to the cabin to join you? That sounds like a great time with your boys.

 

Also, will the boys continue to live at the marital home with your wife still working hours south? That is also an interesting arrangement.

 

You're managing this really well. It's only a matter of time until one of the boys confronts mom on her betrayal of the family and specifically you. I suspect she will blame you for allowing the boys to "find out" and will accuse you of poisoning them against her. If you have to respond, just tell her, she wanted this, not you, she made the choice to betray and break up the family, not you. Evil hates to be exposed.

[Jeff1690]

Hi I check in and read your posts every couple of days and I want you to know that you are courageous and doing very well considering your circumstances. Have you thought about the idea that the OM and her friend may already know perhaps an open marriage type of situation?

They are divorced. The thought has crossed my mind.

 

Marc-I probably will believe anything at this point . However if the best friend does know or perhaps set them up I expect maybe a nasty return letter. Probably informing me of how much better ex is than me. Possible confirmation she has had the affair.

[Marc878]

Just be there for your boys. They'll need their dad. You're the one solid thing they have left. She's checked out from them too.

 

There's nothing special about her. She's just another typical cheater. It's a shame but it is what it is.

 

If it were me I would when the time is ripe call her out on it be firm and not accept any lies. Doesn't matter whether you get the truth you already know it. The facts speak for themselves. This will get you some peace of mind that she knows you can't be played for a fool.

 

Then you walk away and rise above it. Kids are grown now so after the divorce is final I'd block everything and go completely dark. It'll still sting and hurt but you'll get detached a lot quicker and move onto your new life much easier that way.

[Jeff1690]

Jeff, interesting expectation on your WW's part that the holidays would look like they did before her deed....

 

I understand that your sons will be living in the family home while going to school, you'll be at your cabin . So....how will the holidays work, will your boys come to the cabin to join you? That sounds like a great time with your boys.

 

Also, will the boys continue to live at the marital home with your wife still working hours south? That is also an interesting arrangement.

 

You're managing this really well. It's only a matter of time until one of the boys confronts mom on her betrayal of the family and specifically you. I suspect she will blame you for allowing the boys to "find out" and will accuse you of poisoning them against her. If you have to respond, just tell her, she wanted this, not you, she made the choice to betray and break up the family, not you. Evil hates to be exposed.

 

The sons have said they will do thanksgiving lunch with mom and supper with me. Christmas one will be at my house in the morning the other with her and then switch during the evening. I would prefer both at the same time but we will see what they decide.

 

As far as sons staying in house the oldest will probably stay. The youngest mentioned yesterday moving his things to the cabin. The oldest has been very quiet about the OM. I don't know what his actions will be once he confronts his mother. I imagine he will get extremely pissed if she pulls the entire we are just friends statement. He already said friends don't talk 6000 minutes in 4 months, 10000 for a year and over a thousand texts. He too just like my youngest and I realized that each month she talked to OM more than each of us combined for a year.

 

I am not sure if I am actually handling this well or not. I will see how I really handle things once we sign the divorce paper work, probably in two weeks when I get money, then 30 days till final paper work. As I said I know this divorce is coming but I am still in the marital home and things are almost normal without her here.

 

I am sure she will blame me for the exposure. I have been trying to come up with a very clear and concise response that will hit her once again with what she did and the repercussions of her actions. The more we have talked the more she wants to run away from her actions. I see the guilt on her face. She knows she has lost her integrity and honesty and those are two things she always prided herself on.

[Jeff1690]

Just be there for your boys. They'll need their dad. You're the one solid thing they have left. She's checked out from them too.

 

There's nothing special about her. She's just another typical cheater. It's a shame but it is what it is.

 

If it were me I would when the time is ripe call her out on it be firm and not accept any lies. Doesn't matter whether you get the truth you already know it. The facts speak for themselves. This will get you some peace of mind that she knows you can't be played for a fool.

 

Then you walk away and rise above it. Kids are grown now so after the divorce is final I'd block everything and go completely dark. It'll still sting and hurt but you'll get detached a lot quicker and move onto your new life much easier that way.

I am realizing her giving me the truth may never happen. I do wish for some type of retribution so that she feels the pain I have. But you are 100% right about going dark after the divorce. Not sure how dark since the boys are still in college.

[Marc878]

The sons have said they will do thanksgiving lunch with mom and supper with me. Christmas one will be at my house in the morning the other with her and then switch during the evening. I would prefer both at the same time but we will see what they decide.

 

Unfortunately this will become the new norm. The thing is it's been that way for over a year you All just weren't told.

 

As far as sons staying in house the oldest will probably stay. The youngest mentioned yesterday moving his things to the cabin. The oldest has been very quiet about the OM. I don't know what his actions will be once he confronts his mother. I imagine he will get extremely pissed if she pulls the entire we are just friends statement. He already said friends don't talk 6000 minutes in 4 months, 10000 for a year and over a thousand texts. He too just like my youngest and I realized that each month she talked to OM more than each of us combined for a year.

 

Seeing it like this is the reality. No way to hide or justify. It's very black and white. Not to mention her hiding him as her BF's brother.

 

 

 

I am sure she will blame me for the exposure. I have been trying to come up with a very clear and concise response that will hit her once again with what she did and the repercussions of her actions. The more we have talked the more she wants to run away from her actions. I see the guilt on her face. She knows she has lost her integrity and honesty and those are two things she always prided herself on.

 

Bank on it. However, you had no part in this its all on her. Consequences for her actions. All I'd say is "you made your bed now you get to lay in it". In reality you don't have to do or say anything. The facts speak for themselves.

 

Hopefully this will help. Separating holidays is the way to go. It would be hell to have it together and accomplish what? Huge elephant in the room now that the truth is out. Can you saw AWKWARD!!!!

[Marc878]

I am realizing her giving me the truth may never happen. I do wish for some type of retribution so that she feels the pain I have. But you are 100% right about going dark after the divorce. Not sure how dark since the boys are still in college.

 

The boys are grown. If you have to attend a function where she's at just set in a different area. It's not written anywhere that you have to acknowledge her or have a friendly chat. Read "No More Mr Nice Guy" again. If you're going to make a new life she can't be in it or you'll just get dragged down. What purpose would that serve. Yep, it's not going to be easy upfront but if you can establish boundaries you'll get there and be glad you did once you look back. You just can't see that now. A friend of mine has younger kids but does a very hard 180. He says it's hard to get started but oh so worth it now.

 

Other than that if you never answer calls, texts or emails it'll go away soon enough.

[kgcolonel]

Jeff, this is from left field but what if the ex husband isn't the AP here...any chance it's her BFF? Just occurred to me that she's sleeping over there when she's in town and has been adamant that she doesn't have a boyfriend. Another thought may be that the ex husband and your ex may have already run the course and "today" she doesn't have a bf.... Just speculation, I know but may be an explanation for some of the things she's said and done recently.

[AFLady]

First of all I feel your pain and I will advice you to get an investigator because it sounds like she is or had an affair.

My situation is the same married for 17 years and now after coming back from my last deployment he tells me he needs time. I will admit we have growned separate the last year but I didn't see it coming. He said the same thing to me that I deserve better and I was the love of his life but now that he had experienced been alone he like it. A week ago I found out he had an affair while I was deployed, he said the affair is over and to an extend I believe him. He was my best friend and everything and now I'm broken. But now here I'm trying to make sense of all of this. I'm willing to try but he only wants his time to figure things out. Is like almost he is emotionally disattached. I believe that when someone has done you wrong and they are ashamed especially when you have been good to them they just don't see that maybe things can work out. Wish you the best and keep in touch if you need to talk to someone.

 

Good luck!

[Jeff1690]

Jeff, this is from left field but what if the ex husband isn't the AP here...any chance it's her BFF? Just occurred to me that she's sleeping over there when she's in town and has been adamant that she doesn't have a boyfriend. Another thought may be that the ex husband and your ex may have already run the course and "today" she doesn't have a bf.... Just speculation, I know but may be an explanation for some of the things she's said and done recently.

 

I don't think she is having a affair with her BFF. The thought of the ex-husband and the wife's possible relationship having running its course is a possibility. The last two or three months I was able to monitor her phone log before she switched plans the calls were drastically reduced. Maybe they finished it but still meet up from time to time.

 

While in town staying at BFF's her vehicle and the friends are always there so she is not heading over to his house. Unless of course the BFF is aware of the relationship and lets the wife keep her vehicle at the house. I don't think so though.

 

I am just waiting for the day I can drop the evidence to the BFF. Everything else in my life has gotten screwed because of what she has done I would at least like to have one thing hit my wife between the eyes and let her lose a close personal friend and let her feel a little pain. I know she will receive some pain when our sons confront her. Really don't want to see that rift in their relationship, but she has shattered a great family and marriage.

[Jeff1690]

First of all I feel your pain and I will advice you to get an investigator because it sounds like she is or had an affair.

My situation is the same married for 17 years and now after coming back from my last deployment he tells me he needs time. I will admit we have growned separate the last year but I didn't see it coming. He said the same thing to me that I deserve better and I was the love of his life but now that he had experienced been alone he like it. A week ago I found out he had an affair while I was deployed, he said the affair is over and to an extend I believe him. He was my best friend and everything and now I'm broken. But now here I'm trying to make sense of all of this. I'm willing to try but he only wants his time to figure things out. Is like almost he is emotionally disattached. I believe that when someone has done you wrong and they are ashamed especially when you have been good to them they just don't see that maybe things can work out. Wish you the best and keep in touch if you need to talk to someone.

 

Good luck!

AFLady, so sorry to hear this. Deployments can be relationship killers. I know having been on both sides of deployment both being deployed and be the dependent at home. I will say it is extra hard on a husband with a deployed wife. Especially knowing every man on the FOB is hitting on your wife.

 

People gossip and lie and word gets back home. Also when one getting ready to deploy builds up some emotional walls to distance themselves so they can get the mission done while deployed. My wife did this but the sad thing is the walls never came down. If anything the got thicker and higher.

 

Not sure if you wish to remain married or not. I don't know how long you have till you retire but other deployments are possible. Now with knowing he was unfaithful during your last one, mentally it will possibly tear you apart on your next one. Unless you go to counseling and get the marriage straight if you want to so you can be ready next time.

[turnera]

Of course, the affair could be WITH the BFF. I'm seeing more and more threads here and on other forums where the woman gets fed up with being married to a man and just wants a laid-back relationship.

[Jeff1690]

Of course, the affair could be WITH the BFF. I'm seeing more and more threads here and on other forums where the woman gets fed up with being married to a man and just wants a laid-back relationship.

I have seen that myself. But why would she be on the phone for thousands of minutes and almost a thousand texts with BFF's ex-husband. Hell for all I know she is enjoying both and both may not know or they do.

[Tobey]

What is a CAR?

[LancasterAmos1966]

What is a CAR?

 

 

Under the site FAQ: "Where can I find a list of the commonly used acronyms and abbreviations used on the forum" --- CAR is not listed.