Wife of almost 23 years wants divorce [updated]

[Lowrider93]

Excellent comeback on her reaction to having to take the day off, now your getting it, a little sarcasm goes a long way.

[Marc878]

She complained that she would have to take a day off of work. My reply got me hung up on. I told her if she could take two days off to sneak down to the beach with her boyfriend she could take a day off to come home and get this done so we could move forward. I got a "I don't have a boyfriend, quit saying that." and she hung up. She called back a few minutes later and said she would be there.

 

What the hell is her problem? She has been pushing this chomping at the bit to get this divorce done and now she is complaining because she will have to stay home one extra day.

 

Why? Because the truth is like kryptonite to a cheater. Nice job of not swallowing her lies.

 

However, in the future if I had to contact her it would be text only. Once the divorce is final I'd go completely dark. You'll be surprised once you remove all doubt of who she is now and establish a true no contact policy how quickly you'll move on to a happier time. Get out of the infidelity.

 

Lose a cheater and gain a life. You can't see it clearly yet but you will.

 

How are your sons doing?

[Jeff1690]

I agree Marc, I should be texting or emailing, but when it comes to money issues and our sons I prefer talking. I will make an effort though because you are correct got to let it all go.

 

The sons are doing well it seems. I try not to bring up their mother I am just wondering how long it will be before they bring up the phone records they know about. Of course they may both go from angry to rug sweeping. I mean who wants to know their mother was spreading her legs for another man?

[Friskyone4u]

Jeff,

 

What a story. You are a strong man.

Just one comment. I am obviously NOT a shrink or expert on child sex abuse, but I did read another thread on SI where a guy's wife who had been abused at about age 40 did the same thing your wife did to an extent.

 

Stopped having sex with him but DID have plenty of it with OM#1. She needed affairs to have the power over men that she did not have when abused. After affair for a while said she wanted R, then rinse and repeat until OM#4 she wanted open marriage and openly dated other men JUST FOR SEX, but not with hubby.

 

After three years of that crap he finally pulled the plug but not before he almost got driven to a state of suicidal depression.

 

Probably not the same thing but I just thought I would mention it. Your wife is not going to tell you jack **** about what she has done or with who, and I would be real surprised if her friend does not know she is banging the ex husband. I would not waste my time at this point.

 

It looks like you will come out of this at least financially somewhat intact. Your kids are old enough to understand the truth and are not a financial burden at this point, and you are still a relatively young man. It could be worse, believe me. All you have to do is rerad some of thisd **** on here and you will know that.

 

Hang in there and thank you for your service.

[Jeff1690]

Frisky I do believe her sexual abuse has something to do with it. Of course she has always been a straight lace honest person, till now. Her SA isn't what made her make the choice she made it. But, like a SA councilor friend of mine told me, she will destroy whatever she loves if she does not get help.

 

She has always had problems showing me her feelings. She bottles up. IN the past I was always able to get things out of her and let her reveal her feelings at her own pace. However the older she has gotten it seems like more walls she puts up.

 

Her being in the military has always been a self esteem builder and breaker. The military is still a man's world. Many times while visiting her individuals would come to her office and ask for who is in charge and asked if she was the secretary. I know this hit her hard every time. She is so hell bent on proving herself she never asks for help.

 

I just wonder if it will ever hit her with what she has done. She may just cope with it and justify it to save her self esteem. One time she told me all she wanted was to be alone. I hope she gets her dream one day.

[Marc878]

I agree Marc, I should be texting or emailing, but when it comes to money issues and our sons I prefer talking. I will make an effort though because you are correct got to let it all go.

 

The sons are doing well it seems. I try not to bring up their mother I am just wondering how long it will be before they bring up the phone records they know about. Of course they may both go from angry to rug sweeping. I mean who wants to know their mother was spreading her legs for another man?

 

Tell them who he is do when she tries yo introduce them they'll know.

[Marc878]

I agree Marc, I should be texting or emailing, but when it comes to money issues and our sons I prefer talking. I will make an effort though because you are correct got to let it all go.

 

You're normal. Part of you can't let it go.

 

I suspect you still want to talk thinking she'll come to her senses but silence is your best course of action. You need to free yourself from this attachment.

 

Sorry man but there isn't a better way.

[S2B]

Her best friend deserves to know the truth about your stbxw. Tell the friend the extent of your wife's betrayal. That way she can understand your wife is no longer the gal she USED TO BE. That gal is long gone.

[Marc878]

Her best friend deserves to know the truth about your stbxw. Tell the friend the extent of your wife's betrayal. That way she can understand your wife is no longer the gal she USED TO BE. That gal is long gone.

 

I second this. I'd also inform her she told you he was her brother. Show her the phonebill.

 

I'd also ask her if she knew this was going on. She may be an affair enabler as odd as it sounds.

 

Nothing like the truth.

[Jeff1690]

Her best friend deserves to know the truth about your stbxw. Tell the friend the extent of your wife's betrayal. That way she can understand your wife is no longer the gal she USED TO BE. That gal is long gone.

 

That is the plan. I am going to wait until the cabin is complete and I am out of the house for good. At first I thought it would be a bit childish to do. However, I thought shouldn't her best friend know what has become of Mrs. Honesty and Integrity? I really don't think her friend knows.

 

Why should my wife get to destroy my life without repercussions. I have already exposed what I know to family and friends. So I feel that a letter to the best friend with questions about if she knows why my wife did what she did and did she know. Then include the phone records.

 

I will expect I will get an immediate phone call from the wife once confronted by the friend. That is a phone call that will never be returned. Let her wonder why I would do that. Let her try to mend a relationship with a girlfriend she went on two deployments with. Then let her and the ex-husband try to work things out. I can almost guarantee the best friend will be dishing out repercussions when it comes to their daughters.

[LancasterAmos1966]

However, I thought shouldn't her best friend know what has become of Mrs. Honesty and Integrity? I really don't think her friend knows.

 

 

Jeff1690, Telling the the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth is usually the best route to take in life. You might get accused of being childish, but at this point, you'll get accused of a lot of things that are not true!!!!

[Mumbles]

G'day Jeff1690

 

I've read the whole thread, all 23 pages of it. Its a saga this damn thing, separation, divorce, moving on. Like so many others that have posted, I am post divorce as well and can still vividly feel the pain of it even though its been many years now.

 

I could write a lot, but our circumstances are quite different - the commonality is that once you get past the reasons, and there are always reasons, in your case its infidelity, mine was different, but anyway, once you get past all that our experiences (all of us) will usually be remarkably similar.

 

The divorce itself is a social and legal process and while our lives are being turned upside down its important to just focus on the process and keep it moving forward. You are doing exactly that and I commend you for it. Its not always easy and in my case on several occasions I caused unnecessary delay because I was feeling overwhelmed and just needed breathing space and time to then recoup and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

 

But anyway, none of that is why I'm posting.

 

From my experience, your real 'moving forward' and starting to feel better will start when you move out of the house. For me, the house we bought (and paid off) together was a symbol of the life we used to have, which was good, when it was good - once it was no longer good and the divorce was imminent, it didn't help me to have to return to it each day. I couldn't move ahead with my life and I just focused on the pain of it all.

 

I got a payout from my wife in much the same way you are pursuing. She kept the house (mutually agreed) and I got cash. All legally signed off and monitored by lawyers. It was difficult. But, lucky for me and for you too judging by the postings, as much as can be expected, it was a non acrimonious deal.

 

I bought another house, moved in and the real adult separation could, in truth, begin. I won't lie to you - sleeping in a strange house by myself was no easy ride. But healing started here and moved forward in a positive way.

[Jeff1690]

Mumbles, thanks for your response. I think you are spot on with your assessment about being in the house. As I said before it is almost surreal being here. I have an entire wall in the game room filled with boxes yet I am still here. This is still my home. My sons are here my life is here.

 

The other day when the bank called about the closing date for the refi I will have to admit I got a bit overwhelmed, things were finally moving again. Sad thing is once I get the money I will still be here and it will be two or three months before I can complete the interior of the cabin. So even after the divorce takes place (lawyer said it would take 30 days once paper work turned in) I will still be here.

 

I need this to be over soon, I know I need to get out to properly begin and adjust to my new life. Last night I spent several hours dwelling on my wife and the OM. I was totally filled with anger. Probably didn't fall asleep till 2am. What made me even more made is that I was allowing her to control my feelings once again.

 

Again thanks for the response. I wish more people would respond and give input. The more the better as far as healing goes in my opinion. I see that there are over 19,000 views to this thread. Would be nice to have 19,000 opinions, and words of support, and advice lol.

[turnera]

IIWY, I'd start spending part of my time on my friends' couches. At least once or twice a week. Or else take a week of vacation to get the cabin finished.

[Lowrider93]

Hi Jeff, it's ok that your getting some of the anger out in a manner which doesn't create any harm to yourself or anyone around you, it's a rollercoaster.

 

Can I ask you, do you "hate your wife"for what she has done?

Or do you just hate what she has done to you?, there is a difference.

 

Keep yourself busy, the time will fly by.

 

Ride safe

[Lobe]

I'm all over leaving the marital home - it's tainted.

 

Good luck with your cabin - may it always feel like your own special haven.

[Jeff1690]

Hi Jeff, it's ok that your getting some of the anger out in a manner which doesn't create any harm to yourself or anyone around you, it's a rollercoaster.

 

Can I ask you, do you "hate your wife"for what she has done?

Or do you just hate what she has done to you?, there is a difference.

 

Keep yourself busy, the time will fly by.

 

Ride safe

Lowrider, I do not hate my wife. I hate what she has done. I am accepting the fact that the woman I considered my best friend and wife no longer exist. I hate that she chose not to come to me and communicate her feelings. I hate that she would actually turn to another man. I hate that it seems she has walked away from the greatest thing she has been a part of, and that is her family.

 

When we were friends and then dating she used to talk about how screwed up and dysfunctional her family was and how she dreamed of having a wonderful family. Now she has made her own family the same as what she got away from. She had it all. Loving husband, great sons, awesome job, beautiful home. Now she has a betrayed hurt and angry husband, two sons her are disgusted with what she has done. She will still have the house though. Maybe that will make her happy when it is just her living here.

[Jeff1690]

I'm all over leaving the marital home - it's tainted.

 

Good luck with your cabin - may it always feel like your own special haven.

 

That is how I feel. Had nothing but great memories here except the last year has ruined all that. It will take time to adjust to my new home, but it will be mine. I will make new happy memories there.

[tinkerbell16]

That is how I feel. Had nothing but great memories here except the last year has ruined all that. It will take time to adjust to my new home, but it will be mine. I will make new happy memories there.

 

I feel that way about my "new" home. It is a special place. A symbol of my new beginning. Your place sounds like it will be amazing ")

Hugs, Tink

[tinkerbell16]

Lowrider, I do not hate my wife. I hate what she has done. I am accepting the fact that the woman I considered my best friend and wife no longer exist. I hate that she chose not to come to me and communicate her feelings. I hate that she would actually turn to another man. I hate that it seems she has walked away from the greatest thing she has been a part of, and that is her family.

 

When we were friends and then dating she used to talk about how screwed up and dysfunctional her family was and how she dreamed of having a wonderful family. Now she has made her own family the same as what she got away from. She had it all. Loving husband, great sons, awesome job, beautiful home. Now she has a betrayed hurt and angry husband, two sons her are disgusted with what she has done. She will still have the house though. Maybe that will make her happy when it is just her living here.

 

Be prepared for her to never be happy again, and her coming back to tell you that. It is a mind f#@k.

[Jeff1690]

Be prepared for her to never be happy again, and her coming back to tell you that. It is a mind f#@k.

 

I read your post about what you are going through. I hope I don't have to go through that. I appreciate you sharing that as it gives me more to think about and prepare for.

[Marc878]

How are you and your sons doing?

[Jeff1690]

Doing good today. Had a great workout but other than that just sat around the house watching the tv. I go back to work 7 September. After being off for almost 6 months I really don't want to, but got to get that retirement.

 

The youngest one called from work today on his break. He just wanted to vent and talk about his mom. He says he still loves her but told her yesterday he doesn't care how she feels about the divorce and that she made her bed and she could just lay in it. Told her he was just worried about me. Funny thing he must be reading these forums. He told her again Thanksgiving and Christmas with the four of us was a no go. He told her she just wants to believe everyone is all happy. He said she wants that so she can justify her actions . and nothing can justify breaking up a family with out trying to save it. He still has not told her he knows about the OM.

Edited August 27, 2016 by Jeff1690

[beautifulinside2]

Hi I check in and read your posts every couple of days and I want you to know that you are courageous and doing very well considering your circumstances. Have you thought about the idea that the OM and her friend may already know perhaps an open marriage type of situation?

[Marc878]

Doing good today. Had a great workout but other than that just sat around the house watching the tv. I go back to work 7 September. After being off for almost 6 months I really don't want to, but got to get that retirement.

 

The youngest one called from work today on his break. He just wanted to vent and talk about his mom. He says he still loves her but told her yesterday he doesn't care how she feels about the divorce and that she made her bed and she could just lay in it. Told her he was just worried about me. Funny thing he must be reading these forums. He told her again Thanksgiving and Christmas with the four of us was a no go. He told her she just wants to believe everyone is all happy. He said she wants that so she can justify her actions . and nothing can justify breaking up a family with out trying to save it. He still has not told her he knows about the OM.

 

Wow, smart kid!!!! Oh, we can all be "friends". She's a wanna be cake eater.

 

How's the oldest doing?