Wife of almost 23 years wants divorce [updated]

[LancasterAmos1966]

He told her again Thanksgiving and Christmas with the four of us was a no go.

 

 

That's great!!

 

My kids did the same thing.

 

Of course, I then got accused for turning my kids against her....but by the time this happened, her accusations had no effect on me.

[Jeff1690]

Yeah I posted awhile back that my wife tried saying I was trying to put a wedge between them when I told them what this was going to do to me financially. I know it will happen again when the sons tell her that they know about the phone calls and texts to OM. I have been going over in my mind exactly what to say in a short concise way to hit her with her actions caused it all.

[kgcolonel]

Jeff,

 

I think you already stated it....YOU CAUSED IT ALL, IT'S NOT MY JOB TO PROTECT YOU FROM YOUR ACTIONS AND DECISION TO BETRAY THE FAMILY.

 

Then, I'd stop and let her exhale like a balloon that was fully inflated and just got released...the louder and more excited she becomes, the more right you are in the assessment.......just sit back and let her go until she runs out of hot air.

[Jeff1690]

Just curious how many of you have stbxw or ex wives that seem happy with their new living style? As a BS I am sure we all sit and wonder why we are left to deal with the aftermath of what our spouses did and repair our lives while they are out enjoying their new life style.

 

This is an ongoing issue with me mentally that I have been trying to work through. I can accept my wife no longer exists as the woman I loved and will have to continue my life and attempt to be happier and better. However the flip side is I want her to feel the pain and realize what she has lost and destroyed.

 

Of course I know that is just a want that may never happen. I see a lot of folks lurk here and would just like to see how many of their ex spouses actually realized what they had done. I guess one of the things I have been trying to do is figure out the thought process of the WS. I have read the WS threads but many of them are in R or trying and none have really satisfied my curiosity.

 

Part of my desire I suppose is that my wife has given me nothing towards closure or why she did what she did and what she feels about divorcing. I also realize I may never get that from her. I was just hoping for some insight from folks who have gone through this.

 

I really don't want responses that I will never know I am aware of that. I would just like to hear what experiences folks have had in the aftermath and how their ex-spouses adjusted, behaved and the outcome of their new lives. I am sure it would be helpful to many to garner insight from others about what may or may not see in the future and prepare them for both positive and negative aspects of getting on with their lives after D. Especially if because of children, grandchildren etc they will have to interact with the spouse at different points in their lives.

 

So let's hear it folks. Quit lurking and give some insight I would appreciate it.

[kgcolonel]

Just curious how many of you have stbxw or ex wives that seem happy with their new living style? As a BS I am sure we all sit and wonder why we are left to deal with the aftermath of what our spouses did and repair our lives while they are out enjoying their new life style.

 

Jeff, I wasn't married to her but definitely "too" deeply in love with her. Now I see red flags that she was indeed guilty of cheating at least twice that i remember. That being said, it is only an assumption that they are "enjoying their new lives" as we are not present to witness what is reality. Personally, I believe it to be a choice to either "deal with the aftermath" or create a new adventurous life of exactly what we want it to be with someone that truly wants to be with us rather than a R that is a result of convincing them to come back. We should celebrate that they are no longer here to drag us down, worry about they're cheating ways, lying etc. Those worries are now gone.

 

This is an ongoing issue with me mentally that I have been trying to work through. I can accept my wife no longer exists as the woman I loved and will have to continue my life and attempt to be happier and better. However the flip side is I want her to feel the pain and realize what she has lost and destroyed.

 

You're right she is destroyed, she will and likely is feeling the pain only she will not let you see it. She hangs up the phone crying everytime you have confronted her about her betrayal....this is not the actions of a well and happy person. You on the other hand are healing though the pain and still moving on with you and the boys in tact....that my friend will prove to be healthier moving forward.

 

Of course I know that is just a want that may never happen. I see a lot of folks lurk here and would just like to see how many of their ex spouses actually realized what they had done. I guess one of the things I have been trying to do is figure out the thought process of the WS. I have read the WS threads but many of them are in R or trying and none have really satisfied my curiosity.

 

Part of my desire I suppose is that my wife has given me nothing towards closure or why she did what she did and what she feels about divorcing. I also realize I may never get that from her. I was just hoping for some insight from folks who have gone through this.

 

I hurt like hell....empty and abandoned. However, given time, good friends and focus on healthy things, like working out, fresh air, socializing and getting to a point to put myself back out there lead to my recovery. I never got a definitive answer however I did get something better, at one point, when she was preggers by her now H, she came to me and asked if I'd be willing to get back together....I was kind but told her she needed to go back to her Fiance

 

I really don't want responses that I will never know I am aware of that. I would just like to hear what experiences folks have had in the aftermath and how their ex-spouses adjusted, behaved and the outcome of their new lives. I am sure it would be helpful to many to garner insight from others about what may or may not see in the future and prepare them for both positive and negative aspects of getting on with their lives after D. Especially if because of children, grandchildren etc they will have to interact with the spouse at different points in their lives.

 

 

So let's hear it folks. Quit lurking and give some insight I would appreciate it.

 

 

First the bad, she'll hide the negatives until she can't....i.e. family holidays without the boys, she's already cracked on that one....the OM she got involved with initially likely has already run it's course and now she's without.....

 

Now the good: You have endless opportunities, new girls when you're ready, you can travel when and where you want, take someone with or go solo, you have the boys on your team ( wouldn't work too hard on mending the R with their mother, that's between them and your X. Just be you, value your integrity, she stepped out and not you....remember that, karma is a B.

[Lowrider93]

Hi Jeff

You know that a WS has had all the time they needed to mentally prepare and adjust and make arraignments before their departure, before they drop the bombshell, leaving you saying Wtf. They are ready to step into their new lifestyle regardless of the outcome.

 

Some partners are so wrapped up in themselves that they could care less about how anyone else feels, no closure here,and I doubt any explanation would have made a difference in how I felt.

 

They don't want to talk about it cause they are not interested in feeling shame.

[Marc878]

Just curious how many of you have stbxw or ex wives that seem happy with their new living style? As a BS I am sure we all sit and wonder why we are left to deal with the aftermath of what our spouses did and repair our lives while they are out enjoying their new life style.

 

This is an ongoing issue with me mentally that I have been trying to work through. I can accept my wife no longer exists as the woman I loved and will have to continue my life and attempt to be happier and better. However the flip side is I want her to feel the pain and realize what she has lost and destroyed.

 

Of course I know that is just a want that may never happen. I see a lot of folks lurk here and would just like to see how many of their ex spouses actually realized what they had done. I guess one of the things I have been trying to do is figure out the thought process of the WS. I have read the WS threads but many of them are in R or trying and none have really satisfied my curiosity.

 

Part of my desire I suppose is that my wife has given me nothing towards closure or why she did what she did and what she feels about divorcing. I also realize I may never get that from her. I was just hoping for some insight from folks who have gone through this.

 

I really don't want responses that I will never know I am aware of that. I would just like to hear what experiences folks have had in the aftermath and how their ex-spouses adjusted, behaved and the outcome of their new lives. I am sure it would be helpful to many to garner insight from others about what may or may not see in the future and prepare them for both positive and negative aspects of getting on with their lives after D. Especially if because of children, grandchildren etc they will have to interact with the spouse at different points in their lives.

 

So let's hear it folks. Quit lurking and give some insight I would appreciate it.

 

In your position the only thing you can do is never back down from what you know is the truth. Do not give her the satisfaction of believing she has played you for a fool. Cut her out of your life like she did you.

 

Don't be friendly or take time to chit chat. Remember you don't owe her a damn thing now. Once you get your money I'd block her and go dark. You have no reason to have or waste time in the hopes that one day she'll come back. She showed you and told you what she wanted. Now give it to her.

 

Move on like she did. She'll never get or understand you because she wasn't on the hurting/receiving end of this.

[Jeff1690]

In your position the only thing you can do is never back down from what you know is the truth. Do not give her the satisfaction of believing she has played you for a fool. Cut her out of your life like she did you.

 

Don't be friendly or take time to chit chat. Remember you don't owe her a damn thing now. Once you get your money I'd block her and go dark. You have no reason to have or waste time in the hopes that one day she'll come back. She showed you and told you what she wanted. Now give it to her.

Move on like she did. She'll never get or understand you because she wasn't on the hurting/receiving end of this.

 

Going to move on for sure. Just did a final price on materials to complete the cabin. I am going to have $20,000 left over. I will have all my bills paid.

Planning a trip to Belize once the cabin is completed and I am out. Great deal 6 days at Ignacio Key $1200 airfare $1,100.

Four day trip to Peru to see Mayan ruins is only$750 and $1300 for airfare.

My goal is every three to four months to take trips like this. I know the more I do the more people I meet the farther she will be from my mind. Don't think I am really hanging on just trying to adjust, as you said "heart catching up with the mind."

 

Still interested in what I was originally asking.

[tinkerbell16]

Just curious how many of you have stbxw or ex wives that seem happy with their new living style? As a BS I am sure we all sit and wonder why we are left to deal with the aftermath of what our spouses did and repair our lives while they are out enjoying their new life style.

 

This is an ongoing issue with me mentally that I have been trying to work through. I can accept my wife no longer exists as the woman I loved and will have to continue my life and attempt to be happier and better. However the flip side is I want her to feel the pain and realize what she has lost and destroyed.

 

Of course I know that is just a want that may never happen. I see a lot of folks lurk here and would just like to see how many of their ex spouses actually realized what they had done. I guess one of the things I have been trying to do is figure out the thought process of the WS. I have read the WS threads but many of them are in R or trying and none have really satisfied my curiosity.

 

Part of my desire I suppose is that my wife has given me nothing towards closure or why she did what she did and what she feels about divorcing. I also realize I may never get that from her. I was just hoping for some insight from folks who have gone through this.

 

I really don't want responses that I will never know I am aware of that. I would just like to hear what experiences folks have had in the aftermath and how their ex-spouses adjusted, behaved and the outcome of their new lives. I am sure it would be helpful to many to garner insight from others about what may or may not see in the future and prepare them for both positive and negative aspects of getting on with their lives after D. Especially if because of children, grandchildren etc they will have to interact with the spouse at different points in their lives.

 

So let's hear it folks. Quit lurking and give some insight I would appreciate it.

 

Hi Jeff,

Looks like neither of our PM worked as I have no received your either.

 

I went into details about what I am experiencing and it sheds some light bit on your question.

 

This is in no way the detail that my missing pm had but In nutshell my ex has come back. Two years post divorce (wow... I can't believe it's already been 2 years). He is full of regret, tells me he cannot find joy without me, that he cries almost every day for what he has lost and that he loves me.

 

Words I begged to hear 2 years ago.

 

I wish my ex could talk to yours and let her see what her future looks like "(

[Jeff1690]

Tink found out, I think why mine did not send. I did not fill out the title section. Check your PM yours may not be going through because you did not put a title.

[tinkerbell16]

Tink found out, I think why mine did not send. I did not fill out the title section. Check your PM yours may not be going through because you did not put a title.

 

Hi Jeff, I just replied to your pm... did you receive it?

[Jeff1690]

Well just got back from doing the refi. All paperwork is signed. I should get my check next week. The wife tried to have a conversation but I kept with short answers. Did not really act like a dick but I basically ignored her. After we signed she followed me out.

 

There is an extra $589.00 I am getting that I did not know about. The wife said it should go in the checking account. I told her I did not think so and she asked why. I told her I was going to use it to take my own beach trip like she did with her boyfriend. I then let the clutch out and hit the gas and left.

 

She came home to get the mail and take our sons out to eat. She asked if my lawyer had contacted her's about the living arraignments. I showed her the emails my lawyer sent and told her her lawyer was the one not responding.

She then said she thinks there should be a time line on how long I can stay.

 

I told her I would be out as soon as possible, maybe before Christmas. Then she said it should say so in the paperwork. I told her because I am doing most of the work myself I was not sure how long it would be and I was not signing any paperwork with a time frame. I told her she has screwed my life up enough and I would get as soon as possible and at my pace. She just looked at me and said okay. Not sure what is going to happen now.

 

I can see she has no qualms about ending our marriage. She is so far ahead of me on disconnecting. The entire time we sat doing the paperwork every time I looked at her I just wanted to smack her upside the head thinking about all that she has done to me. Then her matter of fact manner of wanting me out as quickly as possible further pushed me towards wanting this divorce.

 

It still hurts to look at her and see her acting and talking about this as if it is just an everyday conversation like walking the dog or something. I also had to push the thought out of my head about being wrong for being so short to her. It has not been the way I have ever talked to her unless we were really mad at each other. I never raise my voice to her when mad. I speak quietly and stare at her. She calls it "the look". Well she got the look the entire time we talked.

 

So it is odd to me to be that way to her when she is trying to be friendly. By the time she left I could tell she was pissed. Hate to see that in a way, but I have to remember she lied to me, cheated on me, and kept me stringing along over a year without even telling me she was planning to divorce me.

 

I suppose this is how you are supposed to actually act doing the 180. I have to decide whether to call her or email her about the living arrangements and tell her I will be out as soon as possible. I want to do this to ensure I can convince her that she does not need to put a time frame in the divorce papers. Got to make sure this does not turn nasty. I am close to getting my money and starting on the cabin and my new life.

 

So what are your thoughts on how I handled this? I hope I have conveyed how it actually went down. It is hard to type out what we see and say in situations like this.

Edited August 30, 2016 by Jeff1690

[kgcolonel]

Jeff, Just be smart....once you have the payout, then you may do what you want.....personally, I'd write into the divorce papers that 30 days after the completion of the cabin, you'll be out. It may not be what she is expecting but remember, she started this not you. Given the choice, you'd never be in this situation. This would be my beginning point in the negociation with her on the move out date. If she wants you out sooner, she can pitch in financially to get you the help that will accelerate the completion of the cabin. The initial deal was that you could stay until the cabin was completed. Next time she pushes just ask her "what's your hurry"? Then go silent until she responds, I'll be she is taken aback and won't know how to respond.

[BluesPower]

I think you did great Jeff. I really love the comment about the beach trip, that was GREAT!!!

 

Don't let her push you about being out. She started this SHI*, not you. I think you have been more than reasonable on your end. Way better than I would be.

 

As soon as you get your check you have GOT to expose her to everyone most especially her BFF if she does not already know. That will give her the RED A** for sure.

 

That will be that start of her beginning to hurt. And you moving on and going dark on her will only add to her pain. And, believe me she deserves some comeback Karma on this one for sure.

 

And start getting this in your head as well. For the love of God, when she finally comes back to you broken about what she has done, do not comfort her or allow her back into your life for any reason.

 

You have to prepare your mind for this, because it will happen almost for sure. I have never even heard of someone doing what she has done for so long to another person that they loved at one time. Maybe it has happened, but I have not heard about it.

 

Keep up the great work.

[Marc878]

I can see she has no qualms about ending our marriage. She is so far ahead of me on disconnecting. The entire time we sat doing the paperwork every time I looked at her I just wanted to smack her upside the head thinking about all that she has done to me. Then her matter of fact manner of wanting me out as quickly as possible further pushed me towards wanting this divorce.

 

She's been planning this for a year. You just didn't know it. In an affair the spouse means nothing anymore

 

It still hurts to look at her and see her acting and talking about this as if it is just an everyday conversation like walking the dog or something. I also had to push the thought out of my head about being wrong for being so short to her. It has not been the way I have ever talked to her unless we were really mad at each other. I never raise my voice to her when mad. I speak quietly and stare at her. She calls it "the look". Well she got the look the entire time we talked.

 

Her other man took your place. Why would you be friendly??? You owe her nothing anymore. Be civil but short and to the point. You need to get as detached as possible because she will be seeing him openly soon. 180, 180, 180!!!!!

 

So it is odd to me to be that way to her when she is trying to be friendly. By the time she left I could tell she was pissed. Hate to see that in a way, but I have to remember she lied to me, cheated on me, and kept me stringing along over a year without even telling me she was planning to divorce me.

 

It's to her advantage to be friendly. It helps her alieviate guilt and say "see he's ok with it". No, it's not!!!!

 

I suppose this is how you are supposed to actually act doing the 180. I have to decide whether to call her or email her about the living arrangements and tell her I will be out as soon as possible. I want to do this to ensure I can convince her that she does not need to put a time frame in the divorce papers. Got to make sure this does not turn nasty. I am close to getting my money and starting on the cabin and my new life.

 

You don't ever call her for anything. Stop answering her phone calls. Short text or email. Never respond or answer anything that does not have to do with divorce or business.

 

You are getting there but it takes time for you to realize you haven't mattered. It's all about OM. The sooner you can let your mind overrule your heart the better. She's way ahead of you. You just didn't know the truth and she sure as hell wasn't/isn't going to tell you.

 

You have to figure a way to move on. She sure did.

 

Sorry man. It sucks but you can get through it. Don't ever accept the lies and deceit.

[Marc878]

I think you did great Jeff. I really love the comment about the beach trip, that was GREAT!!!

 

Yes, great Job!!!!!!

 

As soon as you get your check you have GOT to expose her to everyone most especially her BFF if she does not already know.

 

Exposure would help get some closure and openly set the record straight. Why help hide who she has become???

[Marc878]

No one can be prepared to deal with what you're going through. You live with someone for over twenty years and one day they're gone. It's going to hurt and it's going to take awhile for you. The info you're getting is to get you through this the best you possibly can.

 

It's foreign to you now because part of you still sees her as who she was not who she's become. You nor anyone else that has gone through this can understand it fully. That's why they have an advantage at this time. Until you can see her for who she is it'll just be tougher to get through. You are starting to figure it out.

 

You like most still cling to some hope that it really isn't happening or that it'll just go away and everything will work out. However, you must prepare for your future. Infidelity in a marriage never goes away. It's the gift that keeps on giving.

 

You ultimate goal is to get to a place of indifference. The 180, no contact is what will get you there. Then you can make your own future what you want it to be.

[Bufo]

Pressure from OM who wants to improve his lifestyle?

[Jeff1690]

Not sure Bufo. I don't think she would bring a new man into the house right away with the sons there. That would be hard to explain.

 

On an interesting note after the wife and sons left I sat around for awhile reading "Uncoupling", that was suggested here and I do recommend it. I finally decided to hell with it I am going to guy buy new dishes for my cabin.

 

I pull into the parking lot of the store and not three spaces over is the wife's Jeep. So I figured she was in Bed bath and beyond where I was going or Hobby Lobby next door. Sure enough as I walk towards the store she comes out of Hobby Lobby with a big bag.

 

She sees me right before I make it to the doors and calls out to me. Walks up and starts having a conversation again. Once again I answered her questions in a short manner then told her I would see her next week and walked in. As was walking in the store I could see her in a mirror and she just stood there a few seconds watching me walk off. Shook her head and walked back to her Jeep.

 

I wish I knew what she was thinking. It seems she is a bit confused with my attitude. I am sure she is telling her friends what a dick I am being, but oh well.

 

I think the next few months are going to be quite interesting. Going to try my hardest to remain aloof and not ask one question or answer one about our relationship. I don't think it has quite hit her yet about the divorce even though I am sure she is enjoying her freedom and relieved we are almost done. Looking forward to her having a few crash and burn relationships while my life improves and I live well.

[Marc878]

The power of the 180!!!! Read it in detail again and stick to it. HARD!!!!!

 

She was/is expecting the old you who she thought she had fooled. I'm going to slyly move onto my new man and we'll all be friends and live happily ever after. We'll celebrate the holidays as a big happy family and they'll probably like OM. No one will ever know. Oh, life will be so good!!!!!!!!

 

An affair is fantasy based where everything is great and it's all wonderful as long as it's a secret and in the dark. When it comes out in the light and everyone sees it for what it is. Not so much!!!

 

Nice job by the way. She's now seeing the unexpected consequences.

[Marc878]

She sees me right before I make it to the doors and calls out to me. Walks up and starts having a conversation again. Once again I answered her questions in a short manner then told her I would see her next week and walked in. As was walking in the store I could see her in a mirror and she just stood there a few seconds watching me walk off. Shook her head and walked back to her Jeep.

 

Your best response in this situation is "I gotta go". Then just walk away. You owe her nothing now. Chatting gets you nothing. Remember she fired you from your husbands role.

 

I wish I knew what she was thinking. It seems she is a bit confused with my attitude. I am sure she is telling her friends what a dick I am being, but oh well.

 

It doesn't matter what she says or her or her friends think at this time. The truth will come out soon enough.

 

I think the next few months are going to be quite interesting. Going to try my hardest to remain aloof and not ask one question or answer one about our relationship. I don't think it has quite hit her yet about the divorce even though I am sure she is enjoying her freedom and relieved we are almost done. Looking forward to her having a few crash and burn relationships while my life improves and I live well.

 

She didn't think about what was going to happen long term. Cheaters live in the here and now. You may as well get her used to it and yourself as well. Your future depends on severing any relationship with her. It'll just keep you down and prohibit your moving on. You can't quite see this yet but you will.

 

You're finally getting it now keep it up. It's called respect for yourself.

[tinkerbell16]

Not sure Bufo. I don't think she would bring a new man into the house right away with the sons there. That would be hard to explain.

 

On an interesting note after the wife and sons left I sat around for awhile reading "Uncoupling", that was suggested here and I do recommend it. I finally decided to hell with it I am going to guy buy new dishes for my cabin.

 

I pull into the parking lot of the store and not three spaces over is the wife's Jeep. So I figured she was in Bed bath and beyond where I was going or Hobby Lobby next door. Sure enough as I walk towards the store she comes out of Hobby Lobby with a big bag.

 

She sees me right before I make it to the doors and calls out to me. Walks up and starts having a conversation again. Once again I answered her questions in a short manner then told her I would see her next week and walked in. As was walking in the store I could see her in a mirror and she just stood there a few seconds watching me walk off. Shook her head and walked back to her Jeep.

 

I wish I knew what she was thinking. It seems she is a bit confused with my attitude. I am sure she is telling her friends what a dick I am being, but oh well.

 

I think the next few months are going to be quite interesting. Going to try my hardest to remain aloof and not ask one question or answer one about our relationship. I don't think it has quite hit her yet about the divorce even though I am sure she is enjoying her freedom and relieved we are almost done. Looking forward to her having a few crash and burn relationships while my life improves and I live well.

 

Hi Jeff

Just pm you. It is long so I sure hope it made it.

 

Everything you are feeling and experiencing is normal. Your feeling guilty about your reactions to her "kindness".

Like others have said, cheaters don't think about the cost of their actions. In their mind they can have their cake and eat it too. All think the grass is greener.

 

All while you are trying to reconcile the love you have for her with the pain she has caused you.

 

I remember telling my attorney as I signed the petition to divorce that I was divorcing a man I loved, my soul mate. It didn't look like the first time she had heard that...

 

Time will help. It helped me when I realized that I couldn't squelch the love. Although it may be necessary at the beginningto get through the divorce. In the end I embrace the love for him, it never goes away. Too much history for that to ve possibke. Instead, I put it in a familial love not romantic love category in my heart. I boxed it up in a corner of my heart so to speak.

 

You were a constant in her life, a solid man. She could count on you. She isn't processing that she destroyed that. This destruction won't hit her until you are fully removed from her life. It may take months of using other (relationships) as a crutch but she will realize what she destroyed and it will hit her hard.

 

No one will be like you. Marriages that last as long as ours don't last because you were wrong for each other.

 

More on this on my pm. Let me know if you received it?

Hugs, Tink

[The_Onceler]

So it is odd to me to be that way to her when she is trying to be friendly. By the time she left I could tell she was pissed. Hate to see that in a way, but I have to remember she lied to me, cheated on me, and kept me stringing along over a year without even telling me she was planning to divorce me.

 

It's all part of her own denial and rationalization. She needs to feel that what she is doing is OK, and that requires that you both play nice together, almost as if nothing has happened.

 

The other night my STBX and I were discussing how/what to tell our girls about our impending split (T-10 days and counting!). She noted my angry tone of voice and took issue with it. I had to stop her right there. I reminded her:

 

(1) You announced to me that you wanted us to split

(2) You had the online affair with your college boyfriend

(3) You required me to "buy you out" of the new house that I had just bought for you.

 

In light of that, I am SUPPOSED to be angry. I told her that she was just going to have to accept that my tone might be an angry one, and then get on with the conversation.

 

She didn't like that response, and didn't like being reminded that her actions and decisions were the reason we were having the conversation in the first place. It is hard for her to feel good about her exciting new affair when she is reminded of the wreckage that she is leaving in her wake.

 

I imagine it is the same for most cheating spouses.

 

It sounds like you are doing well, though - keep hanging tough!

[tinkerbell16]

It's all part of her own denial and rationalization. She needs to feel that what she is doing is OK, and that requires that you both play nice together, almost as if nothing has happened.

 

The other night my STBX and I were discussing how/what to tell our girls about our impending split (T-10 days and counting!). She noted my angry tone of voice and took issue with it. I had to stop her right there. I reminded her:

 

(1) You announced to me that you wanted us to split

(2) You had the online affair with your college boyfriend

(3) You required me to "buy you out" of the new house that I had just bought for you.

 

In light of that, I am SUPPOSED to be angry. I told her that she was just going to have to accept that my tone might be an angry one, and then get on with the conversation.

 

She didn't like that response, and didn't like being reminded that her actions and decisions were the reason we were having the conversation in the first place. It is hard for her to feel good about her exciting new affair when she is reminded of the wreckage that she is leaving in her wake.

 

I imagine it is the same for most cheating spouses.

 

It sounds like you are doing well, though - keep hanging tough!

 

Similar to my experience. They like to take the role of victim too.. this helps asuage their guilt.

 

They don't see their actions being the cause of the pesky details like oh.. the destruction of a family, life, love and future.

 

They live in their own reality.

 

I remember saying to my ex repeatedly he started this madness.

 

Yet we still feel guilty for feeling normal reactions like anger and pain.

 

It a roller coaster ride for sure.

[Marc878]

It's all part of her own denial and rationalization. She needs to feel that what she is doing is OK, and that requires that you both play nice together, almost as if nothing has happened.

 

The other night my STBX and I were discussing how/what to tell our girls about our impending split (T-10 days and counting!). She noted my angry tone of voice and took issue with it. I had to stop her right there. I reminded her:

 

(1) You announced to me that you wanted us to split

(2) You had the online affair with your college boyfriend

(3) You required me to "buy you out" of the new house that I had just bought for you.

 

In light of that, I am SUPPOSED to be angry. I told her that she was just going to have to accept that my tone might be an angry one, and then get on with the conversation.

 

She didn't like that response, and didn't like being reminded that her actions and decisions were the reason we were having the conversation in the first place. It is hard for her to feel good about her exciting new affair when she is reminded of the wreckage that she is leaving in her wake.

 

I imagine it is the same for most cheating spouses.

 

It sounds like you are doing well, though - keep hanging tough!

 

I can't like this enough.

 

They crap on you then expect you to accept it and be Polite Mr Nice Guy???

Keep to the 180 and the pressure on.

 

Did she consult you before screwing other man?

And get your approval?

Edited August 31, 2016 by Marc878