Wife of almost 23 years wants divorce [updated]

[turnera]

You're doing great. Short and sweet. Telling her you're going to take a vacation like she and OM did was priceless. But don't make that your mantra.

 

I've found that when women cheat, it's usually a matter of them getting hit on and then rationalizing the marriage away so that by the time they cheat, they feel they deserve it because they've 'rewritten history' so that they had no choice because you're such a bad husband. Total BS, but it's what they do.

 

So even if you had some discussion with her about why she did what she did, it would be all BS. See that?

 

I've also found that the one thing that betrayed spouses usually need most is to get control back. The cheater has taken away control over the marriage by cheating, so the betrayed scrambles to find some way to feel in control again - by begging her to stop, by dumping her ass, by forcing her to confess, by cajoling her to feel remorse...

 

So the important thing to strive for is to LET GO. Accept you have no control over your spouse, that you never did, that you continued to have a partnership...until one of you chose otherwise. That's all a marriage ever is, right?

 

So accept that the ride is over and you're on to the next stage of your life.

 

What to do now? Stay 100% honest with your boys. Never badmouth their mom, because then they'll feel torn. Just be honest about what's going on.

 

I like the idea of trips, but you may want to consider doing a vacation club thing, as it can become more economical in the long run. I recommend Marriott for that.

 

As for your cabin, do you have HGTV on cable? Try watching some episodes of Texas Flip N Move. They take crappy old houses (cabins, train cars, silos, whatever) and remodel them on the cheap. You can get some good ideas. And it's pretty entertaining if you want to think all of us Texans are like them, lol.

[Jeff1690]

You're doing great. Short and sweet. Telling her you're going to take a vacation like she and OM did was priceless. But don't make that your mantra.

 

I've found that when women cheat, it's usually a matter of them getting hit on and then rationalizing the marriage away so that by the time they cheat, they feel they deserve it because they've 'rewritten history' so that they had no choice because you're such a bad husband. Total BS, but it's what they do.

 

So even if you had some discussion with her about why she did what she did, it would be all BS. See that?

 

I've also found that the one thing that betrayed spouses usually need most is to get control back. The cheater has taken away control over the marriage by cheating, so the betrayed scrambles to find some way to feel in control again - by begging her to stop, by dumping her ass, by forcing her to confess, by cajoling her to feel remorse...

 

So the important thing to strive for is to LET GO. Accept you have no control over your spouse, that you never did, that you continued to have a partnership...until one of you chose otherwise. That's all a marriage ever is, right?

 

So accept that the ride is over and you're on to the next stage of your life.

 

What to do now? Stay 100% honest with your boys. Never badmouth their mom, because then they'll feel torn. Just be honest about what's going on.

 

I like the idea of trips, but you may want to consider doing a vacation club thing, as it can become more economical in the long run. I recommend Marriott for that.

 

As for your cabin, do you have HGTV on cable? Try watching some episodes of Texas Flip N Move. They take crappy old houses (cabins, train cars, silos, whatever) and remodel them on the cheap. You can get some good ideas. And it's pretty entertaining if you want to think all of us Texans are like them, lol.

Thanks everyone for your replies and advice. Tink keep the PM's coming great insight.

 

Tunera I will look at Marriott and see what they have to offer. Also the part of your reply I put in bold made me laugh. Watching Texas Flip N Move as I am typing this lol. I have been watching almost everything on DIY and HGTV getting ideas, almost non-stop.

 

Thanks again for the replies folks. Every one of them gives me something to think about and make me look at things at different angles.

[Jeff1690]

Well I just shared this in a PM with one of the guys here and thought I would get everyone's thoughts

 

Real pissed today. Something I have not shared is I keep getting phone calls from blocked numbers from 3 women and 1 man telling me how happy my wife is, what a ****ty husband I am, and how much of a better lover my wife's boyfriend is.

 

I am sure it is her friends. She says she knows nothing about it. After confronting her face to face not long ago about it I didn't get the vibe she was lying. Not really her style. Of course lying and ****ing someone else didn't used to be her style. I think it is some of the divorced women in her complex that she hangs out with now. I am sure they find it hilarious and are doing her a favor by screwing with me.

 

Got another call today and I texted her and I told her to tell all her friends that whoever it is to stop or I would file police report and have the phone records pulled and file charges for harassing communications.

Also said I already know how bad she screwed me over by lying and cheating on me and I didn't need her friends to remind me. She replied immediately and said she didn't know who was doing it.

 

Sent her a second text telling her to call her lawyer to call mine so we could get this lie of a marriage over. Her lawyer is dragging her feet, not sure why since the wife wants a divorce. I got no response on the second text.

 

I probably violated the 180 rule but I was super pissed and am tired of the calls. Probably should have stuck to the calls in the first text but really wanted to throw her lying and cheating in her face. The second one was just another dig at her to let her know I am done with her.

 

Probably should take a walk down to the barn and work out again or hit the heavy bag for awhile. That is probably what I should have done to begin with instead of making contact.

[Jeff1690]

Don't beat yourself up - that contact was necessary. Of course she's still denying everything. That's what she does and is predictable from her.

 

Next contact - file the police report. Don't hesitate. In fact I'd report it now since it's looking like someone(s) is harassing you.

 

She knows who is doing it - it's time to just take action. No more warnings. No more idle threats.

 

You should NEVER need to put up with that kind of crap for one second! Stand up for what's right and just have the cops come out.

 

That way your STBX understands you're not gonna stand for anyone messing with you.

I really don't need the cops out. I am a high level police administrator. You are right about no idol threats but I will file if I get one more. I just really don't want my laundry aired where I work.

 

My wife knows it is not an idol threat. When we went to get our first house we discovered someone had stolen my wife's identity and racked up thousands in credit cards. Bad move on their part, I was a white collar crimes detective back then. Turned out it was her piece of crap mother. Had another detective work up a forgery packet on her mom and told her if the money was not repaid in 6 months I would ask him to turn it over to the D.A.

The wife was upset with me but in the end was more pissed at her mother for screwing up her credit and stealing from her. Once she thought it over she wanted her mother charged if the money was not repaid. It was.

 

I don't make statements of this type with out following through. Like I said just really don't want my laundry aired at work.

[BluesPower]

Man I am so sorry you are dealing with that kind of crap. Really makes me wonder what crap she has been telling all her friends.

 

 

The sooner you are done with her the better. Wow your STBXW is like the gift that keeps on giving. I thought I had it bad.

 

 

Jeff, you just stay strong, you are almost there and you can bet that her karma will catch up with her soon.

 

 

And really, you should see some really good times after you are through with her.

 

 

Peace...

[Jeff1690]

Man I am so sorry you are dealing with that kind of crap. Really makes me wonder what crap she has been telling all her friends.

 

 

The sooner you are done with her the better. Wow your STBXW is like the gift that keeps on giving. I thought I had it bad.

 

 

Jeff, you just stay strong, you are almost there and you can bet that her karma will catch up with her soon.

 

 

And really, you should see some really good times after you are through with her.

 

 

Peace...

 

I am not so sure she is talking pure total crap about me. The wife has always kept her personal life close, and does not share much with others. I am sure however she has said things about me but not so sure how bad. I can see her sipping wine sitting around with the group of divorced bitter women and lesbians in her complex all talking **** about men and egging her on.

 

I really think a few have just decided to have fun at my expense and think that they are doing my wife a favor.

 

Of course one thing I noticed in the text she denied knowing about the calls but not the lying and cheating. I almost sent one more text stating that. Lying has never suited her that is why I have never known her to do it. That is one of the reasons I think she keeps her mouth shut when I point out facts about the things she has done. She does not want to lie to my face. That is why she turns her head and won't look me in the eye and cries sometimes. Like I said she is not a crier. When she does it has always been for something really bad. I am sure she knows she has tainted her integrity and honesty not to mention her wedding vows and the spot between her legs. (Sorry about the last ladies, I am pissed)

[kgcolonel]

I am not so sure she is talking pure total crap about me. The wife has always kept her personal life close, and does not share much with others. I am sure however she has said things about me but not so sure how bad. I can see her sipping wine sitting around with the group of divorced bitter women and lesbians in her complex all talking **** about men and egging her on.

 

I really think a few have just decided to have fun at my expense and think that they are doing my wife a favor.

 

Of course one thing I noticed in the text she denied knowing about the calls but not the lying and cheating. I almost sent one more text stating that. Lying has never suited her that is why I have never known her to do it. That is one of the reasons I think she keeps her mouth shut when I point out facts about the things she has done. She does not want to lie to my face. That is why she turns her head and won't look me in the eye and cries sometimes. Like I said she is not a crier. When she does it has always been for something really bad. I am sure she knows she has tainted her integrity and honesty not to mention her wedding vows and the spot between her legs. (Sorry about the last ladies, I am pissed)

 

 

Jeff, you ought to be [email protected] women are indeed men haters....any benefit to recording the next message to play it back to her. If she really does not know who it is, it might help for her to actually hear the caller's voice.

[tinkerbell16]

A narcissist will always make others feel this way.

 

It is so peaceful to finally be free of the mind games

[Jeff1690]

Jeff, you ought to be [email protected] women are indeed men haters....any benefit to recording the next message to play it back to her. If she really does not know who it is, it might help for her to actually hear the caller's voice.

 

I have a couple recorded. However, right now I think not letting my wife hear them is more beneficial. One of my wife's biggest pet peeves is people interfering in her personal life. She knows I am not lying. She has asked me three times to hear the recordings. My response to her was she had ****ty friends and eventually her ****ty friends would **** on her, and it wasn't my responsibility anymore to help her out.(This was a couple of weeks ago)

 

I want her questioning her relationships with those people. She is a smart cookie and she will figure it out. Then she will cut them loose. But, knowing how she is she will withdraw from making more friends. She has been burned many times being to trusting of people and she does not like it. So she does not make friends easily. She said one time all she wanted was to be alone. Hopefully she can get her wish.

[Jeff1690]

So several people got your number and started leaving you mean messages...and she doesn't know a thing about it... Ya, right. Let them waste their time and energy being terrible people. File charges on the next offense = done!

 

The woman you THOUGHT she WAS is gone. Disappeared! Know that she isn't ever going to be that gal she once was.

 

I think you're making big strides in a positive direction for yourself. Keep up the good work. Don't look back - only forward!

Actually this is how I think they got the number. I had called several of the numbers on the phone record trying to identify the voices. The wife confronted me and said she knew I was calling her friends.

 

I think that the first time I confronted her about the three longest phone calls to OM she must have realized I was doing some digging. Probably told her friends my number and to be on the look out for any type of call from me. I don't see her giving it out and telling them to harass me. Her way of dealing with this has been to deny and smile like we are friends. She has been running from the confrontation of facts. She does not want to piss me off. What she wants is this to be over fast and as clean as possible with as few details revealed as possible

[Jersey born raised]

Most likely she will pull them in closer for awhile. They are her support group and she will use them to fuel her seif justification.

 

Her behavior of cutting out friends may be rooted in her need need to keep people away from the truth of her childhood history.

 

I doubt you will see her realize the crash and burn of her future, during or afterwards. It would be like equally likeky to see a person paralyzed from the waist down win a hundred yard dash in the regular olympics. She is just not capable of it emotionally.

 

Yes for 23 years she was an amazing person, but that was her inspiring to be something she is not and finally crashing and burning.

 

God is great, people are crazy, thank god for beer. I did mention God is great, right ?

[aliveagain]

One thing I discovered about cheating wives, they are the most jealous people on the planet. Just because they have moved on and don't want you they don't want any other woman taking their place. They want you miserable and missing them. The first time you are intimate with another woman you will stop giving a sh*t about what your cheating soon to be ex wife is up to. Try taking down every picture of her in your house and put up a picture of someone that is a friend and see what happens. 180, 180, 180.

[tinkerbell16]

Most likely she will pull them in closer for awhile. They are her support group and she will use them to fuel her seif justification.

 

Her behavior of cutting out friends may be rooted in her need need to keep people away from the truth of her childhood history.

 

I doubt you will see her realize the crash and burn of her future, during or afterwards. It would be like equally likeky to see a person paralyzed from the waist down win a hundred yard dash in the regular olympics. She is just not capable of it emotionally.

 

Yes for 23 years she was an amazing person, but that was her inspiring to be something she is not and finally crashing and burning.

 

God is great, people are crazy, thank god for beer. I did mention God is great, right ?

 

I believe many mid-life crises situation are exactly that. These individuals can no longer run from their past and the "mask" comes off. Many lack poor coping mechanisms too so sometimes the self destruction starts as a outward stressful event or events that acts as the catalyst.

 

Sometimes they do come to their senses. But, as in my case when my ex returned, too late and too much damaged to ever go back.

 

Oh we got to love it when the cheaters get jealous when we move on. I blame it on that alternate universe they live in where it's all about them and how they feel. No regard for concequences of their actions.

 

We are much better off with our new lives, sans drama, lies and fake love.

Edited September 1, 2016 by tinkerbell16

[Lowrider93]

Jeff, it's good to see your taking the high road when faced with adversity, not many people could wear your shoes, your stbx represents just more anger and pain and the sooner you can wash yourself of that mess the brighter the future will be.

 

You know it's not about revenge, it's about accountability, and that's not gonna happen.

 

Be the good father you are, spend as much time with your boys as possible,

Take lots of pictures at all your events, bring your best smile and make extra wallet size for your sons.

 

Peace

[Jeff1690]

One thing I discovered about cheating wives, they are the most jealous people on the planet. Just because they have moved on and don't want you they don't want any other woman taking their place. They want you miserable and missing them. The first time you are intimate with another woman you will stop giving a sh*t about what your cheating soon to be ex wife is up to. Try taking down every picture of her in your house and put up a picture of someone that is a friend and see what happens. 180, 180, 180.

 

The wife has never been a jealous type of person. However, it will be quite interesting to see what happens when I find someone new. I am hoping I will quit worrying what my wife is up to with or without a new woman. I have taken down all pictures of us through the house. She gave me a WTF look when she came home last time. I know she wanted to say something about it but, I guess me standing there with my arms crossed with my own look (you are not worth the discussion look ) she decided not to.

[Marc878]

Nice job on that.

 

If you're wise you'll purge everything from her when you move into your new place.

 

Move on a lot faster without reminders everywhere.

[turnera]

Thanks everyone for your replies and advice. Tink keep the PM's coming great insight.

 

Tunera I will look at Marriott and see what they have to offer. Also the part of your reply I put in bold made me laugh. Watching Texas Flip N Move as I am typing this lol. I have been watching almost everything on DIY and HGTV getting ideas, almost non-stop.

 

Thanks again for the replies folks. Every one of them gives me something to think about and make me look at things at different angles.

Just so you know, not all of us Texans look and sound like them. It's about 50/50. The ones who grow up in the country sound like them, the ones who grow up in the suburbs and cities sound like everyone else in America, lol.

 

I can refer you at Marriott, and they'll give you some sort of visit special, if you want to PM me, if you have one of their timeshares near you.

[turnera]

I want her questioning her relationships with those people.

Not your monkeys, not your business.

[Jeff1690]

Not your monkeys, not your business.

 

I know I know turnera. BUTTTTT knowing her she will immediately become suspicious of those around her. When she gets like that often times she will terminate contact with those she does not trust or thinks she can't. Oh how I want her fantasy land to crumble around her.

 

But you are right

[tinkerbell16]

My exH told my adult kids he made to worst mistake of his life when he ruined it with me. Of course he never told ME that (I already knew?).

 

He knows he messed up badly - and no way of getting me to go backwards.

 

I ended it with my self respect intact knowing I deserved better.

 

But it is good to know he admitted it to them. And they have learned that there are consequences to bad behavior. They know he did the unforgivable - I didn't have to explain much to them.

 

She will pay in the long run - you just stay the course... It will play out over time.

 

Find awesome ways to be happy - that's the way to live again.

 

Amen! So very very well said.

[tinkerbell16]

Wonderful things that have happened in the last 1.5 years since my (unplanned) divorce:

 

I met my best friend (my best friend used to be my ex H) and learned how amazing and supportive friends can be

 

I have an entire new group of friends for that matter, in addition to my old friends

 

My relationship with my family got stronger.

 

I got more patient, humble, open minded and less judgmental.

 

I was able to focus on my business more and as a result, I am slated to have my most successful year ever since starting almost 10 years ago.

 

I dated a Scorpio (those of you who have know what I am talking about) lol

 

I drove a car over a 100 miles an hour.

 

I sang in front of an audience.

 

I bought a house by myself.

 

I chopped a tree down by myself.

 

I have learned more about myself than I could have ever imagined.

 

I have scratched at least 8 things off my bucket list.

 

I am in the best physical and mental state of my life.

 

I laugh harder than ever before... mostly at myself

 

I have found out how strong I am.

 

I appreciate people and loved ones even more.

 

I have danced a... uhem a "few" nights away (ex didn't dance)

 

I cherish my freedom.

 

I have met some of the most amazing people.

 

I learned how to start a really great fire (literally and figuratively

 

I landed the largest project of my carrer.

 

I was recognized for my work internationally.

 

I have watched more sunsets.

 

I stopped watching TV altogether.

 

I have an extensive new stiletto collection and now own only one pair of flip flops (ladies you know how it is

 

I embrace life like never before.

 

I am annoyingly positive.

 

I found love again.

 

I am a better version of myself every day.

 

Those of you going through divorce know this... you will survive and you will have your own list of wonderful things to be thankful for. It just takes time

[Marc878]

Jeff,

 

Pay attention to Tink.

 

If you do this right you may find the better life you didn't know was out there.

[Jeff1690]

Tink, that is a lot of positive energy there. I needed to read that this morning. Thanks for posting that.

[Jeff1690]

I told Tink this in a PM, but thought I would share.

 

I really took her post to heart. I was really down this morning and after reading her post I got off my butt and hopped on the Harley and headed out to my land.

 

There I had a pity party for a bit. Praying that my wife would be miserable and thinking about how my home would no longer be mine and my family is now a statistic and broken.

 

Marc's post also came to mind. I was standing under some big oaks were I want to put a gazebo and realized this was my new home. This was my door opening.

 

Progress has been made out there. Power pole up, well digger has equipment set and septic field prepped. I know I have some more bad days ahead. However, I feel once I get out there and start the interior of the cabin and complete it my life will change for the better. The door of the past will shut behind me with new adventures ahead. I told Tink I am going to create my own bucket list.

[Marc878]

Put on that bucket list an unlimited bar bill for Marc and Tink at a place of our choosing. I like beaches and warm weather.