Wife of almost 23 years wants divorce [updated]

[Jeff1690]

Okay her is the next chapter in this epic adventure lol. Upon the advice of quite a few of you I sent the wife a text stating that I was coming down south bring the divorce papers. In this short discussion, I stated I would be down there six times. She advised she had a dental appointment at 1100hrs. I told her I would be there by 1300 and to text me the address of the bank we would meet at to see a notary. For those of you who have forgotten back like in chapter six of this story LOL We were to file uncontested divorce papers and all my state requires is a notary to sign them and you turn them over to the court house.

 

Well when it was time for me to leave yesterday I gathered up a lot of her mail and put it on the table by the garage door. Got my riding jacket down in the man cave and about 20 minutes later came back upstairs. I discovered the mail was gone.

 

I then realized I had heard my oldest son leave the house. So I send him a text and asked him if he got the mail. He advised in the affirmative. I asked why and he stated he was meeting his mother for lunch. I then asked him where he planned on meeting because I needed the mail to give to her.

 

He advised that he was meeting her here in our city. I then texted the wife to find out what the hell was going on because I was headed south. She stated she had told me she had a dental appointment and didn't know why I was headed south.

 

I checked our text messages from the night before and ensured that six times I said I was going there and told her so. Anyway, I asked her what time she planned on meeting me and to meet at our bank.

 

So the meet was set for 1300. Now I made sure I looked damn good. For those of you who don't know I gave all my clothes to goodwill. I have spent a small fortune on top of the line quality clothing in an effort to spend the same amount of our money from joint account as she has spent on clothes in the past year. Needless to say I have a dump load of super nice clothes now. IN the past I have been frugal and despite making good money would buy cheap shirts at places like WalMart. The wife has said absolutely nothing about my expenditures. Probably because the couple times that she has I quickly ticked off the thousands she has spent of our money and she gets real quiet because she knows she is being a hypocrite.

 

We met there and entered the bank. Because of my past job as a white collar crime detective I know all the tellers. I made zero small talk with the wife. I then proceeded to have a pleasant conversation with the tell notary teller. We had two copies of the divorce to sign.

 

While signing my copies the wife had already finished and out of the corner of my eye and to my disbelief I saw that she had started to cry. She still said nothing to me about being remorseful for her actions. When I turned and fully looked at her she said she had to use the restroom and left for about ten minutes.

 

The teller then asked why she was crying since according to what she had read the wife is the one filing. I then told the teller (known her a long time and though this was a bit inappropriate to say we have joked in the past like this.) that she was probably hurting because she had slipped on the side walk and had somehow got her best friends ex-husband's penis stuck between her legs. The teller literally blew a bit of snot out of her nose when she tried to hold back the laugh. I know a bit to much info but we are talking the truth here.

 

The wife came back ten minutes later fully composed but I could tell she was still crying a bit and she had put on her sunglasses. Upon completing the paper work we left the bank. The wife tried to say a few things but as I have been advised here in the past I just looked at her and said sorry that I didn't have time to chat I had an appointment. The wife fast walked away and got to her Jeep. As I left the bank and circled around through the traffic I could see her leaning forward on the steering wheel with her face in her hands.

 

At that point I went to visit a friend who is a car salesman at one of the local car dealerships. I purchased myself a present with part of my buy out money. I paid cash for a 2015 Toyota TRD Tacoma 4x4 crew cab pick up!!! I have always made sure the wife had new cars but have basically driven older vehicles our entire 23 marriage. This is the newest vehicle I have owned (not counting my Harley's ). The sexy beast is loaded. Did yall know that when you put that truck in reverse a tiny screen appears on the rearview mirror that is the video feed from the back up camera. I think I have spent more time putting that thing in reverse just to see that than driving lol. I have had the money for years and I should have been buying these top of the line vehicles the entire time. It is so silly I am impressed with something like this even though I have know about the technology for a long time. I guess finally owning something like the quality of vehicle my wife has been driving for years is making me giddy.

 

When I arrived home I got on FB and posted the following:

Well the papers are signed. 23 years of marriage down the ****ter. Thought I would be married the rest of my life but **** has other plans.

So maybe this Toyota will last longer than my marriage.

This is my new divorce day present to me! Had a sexy woman but now I have a sexy truck! Happy Divorce day everyone!!

 

Posted this with pictures of the truck. I know the soon to be ex follows my page. I think she will be a bit upset to see over 400 people wishing me well and saying they don't know what the hell the wife is thinking. They also like the truck.

 

So that is where we are at today kids.

[BluesPower]

Good for you Jeff. I am so happy for you I could just S*** myself.

 

I think you saw maybe a little Karma at the bank, just a little.

 

Please let us know how things are going, especially if she ever ad mints the truth, which she probably will not.

 

Upward and onward for you and your new life...

[Marc878]

She may have been upset and crying but she signed the divorce papers didn't she.

 

Nothing there. Time for you to move on.

 

You should block her on Facebook if you haven't.

 

Nice job even though I'm sure it sucked.

[LancasterAmos1966]

She may have been upset and crying but she signed the divorce papers didn't she.

 

You are right Marc --- tears or no tears, she knew how to sign her name.

 

Again, Jeff, I'm very sorry you had to face this chapter in your life story!!

 

You might not believe this, but it messes with my mind that you posted here just 60 days ago, and the papers are already signed.

 

Wow, this lady wasn't joking -- and it's stories like this, that have made me very strong on just letting go. Marriage counseling, losing weight, whatever are just stall tactics.

 

She wanted free, and no matter what you would do, she wasn't going to be happy until she could fly.

 

And remember Jeff, even though those papers are signed, the recovery is just beginning.

 

23 years is a long time to share life together. She will rent some space in your mind for awhile, but keep on posting here, work on that cabin, and don't forget to buy an iron to keep those shirts nice and crisp.

 

For a long time, something would go wrong in my life. I'd have a bad day, something that had absolutely nothing to do with my estranged wife would cause me to blame her anyway. Now, when something doesn't go well, I'm no longer blaming her.

 

When you get through the grief process (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, then acceptance) you'll know it.

 

But in the meantime, google "Ways to know that I'm over my ex" --- the tips gave me some goals to work on, and also helped me to know how far along in the process I was.

[Lowrider93]

Hi Jeff, Good to hear that the legal aspects of your divorce are final.

She did what she did to herself, you and the boys, now she has to live with that, it won't be easy for her to spin that into her own twisted reality.

 

Perhaps she saw the grass is greener on your side!

 

Peace

[Marc878]

That's great you accomplished the goal despite her manipulation tactics!

 

She's predictable... Drama is always involved.

 

Glad you had a plan and happy you stayed on path!

 

Congrats on the new truck!

 

 

 

Ps - there's a reason she doesn't want you in her area... She hiding more than you think.

 

Yep, you only know the "tip of the iceberg". The partial truth may filter out eventually but it won't be from her.

 

You know enough anyway at this point.

[CarrieT]

Bravo, Jeff!

 

Well played!

[aliveagain]

Wait until you post a picture of you on a date, that's when the real fun will start. If it helps, I really noticed that I thought a lot less about the ex after being intimate with another woman. It was as if the balance scale was reset and very little about what she was doing or with whom mattered to me as much. It felt good to know someone had interest in me and saw me as a person with a lot of potential. It was as if I turned an important corner in my life and my soon to be ex had no control over the path I was choosing. Every day became easier after that. Ask the rocket scientist out(try changing your hairstyle to something a little edgier).

[Scarletwolf]

Omg Jeff!!! What an ordeal!

Let me congratulate you. You have definitely handled this the best way someone could. Now that the divorce is final, let me tell you something about recovery. It's very, very close for you. I went through a similar situation not so long ago, and being pregnant didn't make it easier, lots of people criticized me. He finalized the PA but by that time I was truly done with the cheating and lies. Once I got notification the divorce was final it was a relief. I did keep the no contact rule, despite his many, many attempts to break it. I had my sister talk to him whenever he needed to discuss stuff about our children or the pregnancy. During this hard time i met someone who had gone through a very similar situation. We chatted and connected in a way I had never with another human being. Long story short, we got married. I realized I had moved on my ex the first time someone told me he was in a new relationship and I literally had no feelings. No anger, no pity, no hurt, I mean, nothing at all.

And some do try to come back you know? So be advised and don't let them in again. It's not worth it. People don't change, they might adjust themselves not to hurt others but they are what they are. Once a cheater, always a cheater, please remember that.

Congrats again and keep up moving on. You are one step closer to full recovery.

Edited September 20, 2016 by Scarletwolf

[tinkerbell16]

Jeff,

 

So friggin happy for you. It is a bittersweet day for you. She knows she has made a huge mistake. It's why she was crying.

 

It will haunt her forever. As it should.

 

You will however be so content and happy and at peace it won't hit your radar.

 

Don't look back. Well, you don't need to anyway with your fancy back up camera lol

 

Only good things are ahead of you now.

[Jeff1690]

Hey folks. Lots of comments and opinions. Whish it was like this for every thread. Folks have a lot to learn.

 

Bluespower-yeah just a little. Just that little bit of crying made me feel so much better. Not because I thought "Oh she still is in love with me and wants me back." It was just kind of like, good you are feeling just a small bit of the pain.

 

LancasterAmos1966-I have found it and will read it. I know I have a lot to learn on this journey "Ways to know that I'm over my ex

 

S2B-Ps - there's a reason she doesn't want you in her area... She hiding more than you think. My cousin (a woman) who was really close with my wife doesn't think she has more than one man. She does believe that after returning from Afghanistan four years ago and taking the job down south that once there, due to all her issues, she decided that she was happier alone with no responsibilities towards me. She cut me out of her life to slowly distance herself but didn't quite know if she wanted me out of her life and it was a slow gradual process. Once she made the decision that she thought she could handle her life alone is when she made her move and the BFF's ex-husband being a longtime cheater recognized the signs and pushed it further. She also said the toxic environment of everyone in her complex being a divorced woman also helped convince her.

 

Lowrider-Perhaps she saw the grass is greener on your side!

My cousin and divorce counselor friend of mine think so. They think do to the last two months of phone calls almost dropping to zero (and he lives here and works here) that he realized the big D was coming and dropped her like a hot rock. Now she realizes (they think) her dream boat was just using her for a piece of ass. And that the guy who really loved her and cared for her like a man should it packing his **** and moving on.

 

Marc-I don't think I will respond to you. You know what I am going to say. "Damn dude! Quit being right!" LoL

 

S2B-reference your second post, my friend that is the divorce counselor is of the opinion that the wife has realized she has really screwed the pooch (and other guy lol) and that getting me to head south was a way to forestall her crappy decision. Maybe in an attempt to figure out a way to try to win me back. He said he wouldn't be surprised that since she knew I would be heading back to work Wednesday working midnights it would give her time to show up Saturday and maybe climb into bed with me like she used to in the afternoon right before I usually wake and attempt to use sex as a tool to get me moving back to her corner since I have not had sex since August of last year.

As far as the money goes, well let us say I played that right. I told the wife before I signed anything a few weeks ago the money was to be in my account as soon as we got the refi check. That is exactly what happened. I also went ahead and moved all the money from savings that I was supposed to get. That way if she tried to screw me over at least I had cash in hand and could walk with or without divorce papers and the house would be totally in her name and I would not be in debt for it.

 

aliveagain-I too believe once I find a good woman and have sex (for about 30 seconds since it has been so long lol) and if she is into me and I have moved to the cabin the healing will definitely start as will the thinking less of her.

 

Scarletwolf So be advised and don't let them in again. It's not worth it. People don't change, they might adjust themselves not to hurt others but they are what they are. Once a cheater, always a cheater, please remember that.

Congrats again and keep up moving on. You are one step closer to full recovery. My thoughts exactly. She isn't getting anywhere close to getting back into my heart. I have repeated the once a cheater always a cheater mantra over and over to myself.

 

Tink-So friggin happy for you. It is a bittersweet day for you. She knows she has made a huge mistake. It's why she was crying.

 

It will haunt her forever. As it should.

 

You will however be so content and happy and at peace it won't hit your radar. Thank you for all your help keep the PMs coming. I hope there isn't a day that goes by that she doesn't realize it.

 

Lancaster-You might not believe this, but it messes with my mind that you posted here just 60 days ago, and the papers are already signed.

Believe me it messes with mine as well . My wife is not like most women. She is also a thinker and planner. I think she really thought her actions through. I also think she thought our marriage through and her ability to handle it on her own or if she should try to save it. Her desire to be free won out. But she fit her personality to a T. Once my wife makes a decision and she thinks it is right she goes 100%. Bad thing is that she has this little quirk that even once she has started something and she discovers before it is completed it is wrong she refuses to stop or admit she is wrong and attempts to steer whatever the decision was to coming out like she wants. She also fits one of the SA victim profiles that describes this thought process perfectly. Now that it is over I will be willing to bet she will attempt other relationships but will be planning on how to recover and make right her mistake. She will do the other relationships because she will want the appearance to everyone that she made the right choice. However she will possibly have another goal in mind. Correcting the mistake and coming to get me back.

I say this because I know her thought process as well as like my SA counselor friend said-She is a perfect text book example for a SA victim with her personality and thought process.

[Jeff1690]

Also want to say I will keep everyone updated. I don't think all the drama is over for some reason.

[Marc878]

When will the divorce become final?

[tinkerbell16]

It's not over. It's a journey. I predict she will "return" when you have moved on.

 

Pretend that scenario is 100 true and decide now how you will handle it.

 

It will be easier to handle if you have it scripted.

 

You will never feel the same about her. It's like the woman you loved died. The new version is not someone you would marry or likely even date.

 

Keep this in mind.

[kgcolonel]

Jeff,

 

I think you're right about the drama not being over....you still have the connection through the boys. Do they both know the papers have been signed.

 

I am assuming the oldest did not know anything about your intention to take the paperwork to the ex and was innocently taking the mail to her. Has he had any additional reaction to the evidence of the A to you or your wife?

 

I see this as interesting as your youngest was solidly in your court regarding his disgust for what your ex was doing but not the same reaction from your oldest. Where are they now with reference to the A and how they see their mother?

[Marc878]

The My cousin (a woman) who was really close with my wife doesn't think she has more than one man. She does believe that after returning from Afghanistan four years ago and taking the job down south that once there, due to all her issues, she decided that she was happier alone with no responsibilities towards me. She cut me out of her life to slowly distance herself but didn't quite know if she wanted me out of her life and it was a slow gradual process. Once she made the decision that she thought she could handle her life alone is when she made her move and the BFF's ex-husband being a longtime cheater recognized the signs and pushed it further. She also said the toxic environment of everyone in her complex being a divorced woman also helped convince her.

[/quote

 

Sounds like the cousin may have know what was going on all along.

[Marc878]

It's not over. It's a journey. I predict she will "return" when you have moved on.

 

Pretend that scenario is 100 true and decide now how you will handle it.

 

It will be easier to handle if you have it scripted.

 

You will never feel the same about her. It's like the woman you loved died. The new version is not someone you would marry or likely even date.

 

Keep this in mind.

 

When she cut you out and asked for the D she could have cared less about how much it hurt or affected you. Know and remember who she is and what she's capable of. This will help you completely detach and move on quicker.

[Jeff1690]

When will the divorce become final?

 

30-45 days

[Jersey born raised]

Did his(?) cousin know about the adultery or was aware of her mindset but not the adultery?

[Marc878]

30-45 days

 

Who's filing it? If it's her I'd make sure or I'd file it myself.

[Humantk]

Hey Jeff, just read the whole saga! Crazy couple of months it seems you've been having! Glad to see the smoke is starting to clear. Your handling of this truly has been inspiring to me. I'm going through a break up, we were not married, LTR for 5 good (so I thought) years. Im in NC but our lives are almost destined to keep us bumping into one another (I met her at my cousins engagement party to her sister, they had a child who is my godson and her nephew. My Best Friend since 4th grade also just bought a house with her OTHER sister, he tells me he plans to pop the question soon.) I am only 26 so I wasn't sure how to handle it when NC inevitably has to get broken. Then I read Marc's post #202. Marc your advice to act like you're talking to the mailman or grocery clerk helped clear it up for me so much. I work retail, have for the past 8 years. I'm going to treat her like a customer! Really appreciate that bit of advice, for some reason it just made it all click! Thank you

 

And Jeff your story helped me so much, it bared similarities to the end of my relationship. I don't know if she was involved with someone. But she was acting the same way your wife had been acting during the last year of your marriage for the last 6 months of our relationship. Whether she was unfaithful or not doesn't matter now, we've been apart a month and a half and theres no real reason to talk.

 

I've taken her off FB and all other social media. Your story gave me strength and hope. Ive been hitting the gym myself as well and dropped 15 pounds. But to see that this hurt happens no matter how long or good the years were, it helps me understand that my ex was unhappy with her life and wanted out. I loved her everyday the best I could. Always thought of her more then myself, made sure she felt special and taken care of, and pushed her to take better steps in her career (she was working a temp job with a Masters in Psychology) One night she just said she wasn't happy and wanted the relationship to end. Since then she goes out to bars and parties. Does stuff she never said she wanted to do when we were together. Quarter life crisis maybe, she's a year and a half younger then me. 25 and a total knockout at 5'11. Maybe a case of GIGS, Im not sure.

 

Learning from you its better to 180. I had been a mess the last month and a half, I would have replied to anything she sent me. But I'm going to stick to NC and the occasions where we have to meet I will just treat her like she is the mailman. I feel good about it now, that this is going to become a kind of positive for me. That a new door really has opened. And after reading your story it was honestly the first time I had felt a little better since she left me. Thank you again for opening up and sharing! Theres tons of possibilities out there and tons more life to live! Good luck on your adventures!

Edited September 23, 2016 by Humantk

[Just a Guy]

Hi Jeff, I have been browsing through your thread( haven't really read all the posts but will do so in time)and since you have been requesting people who are in the shadows to come out in the open I thought I should do so. Firstly, let me say how sorry I am to read your sad story. To have a loving and dynamic relationship suddenly turn sour like this is, to my mind, a real blow below the belt. I am still trying hard to comprehend how a loyal and loving wife who, like you, is an ex marine and who was groomed in displaying qualities of leadership, and taught to live by a code of conduct that would carry her and her comrades through the thick of battle, could turn on her own dear husband and children and treat them like so much trash, in such a short period of time. It is as if she was a Dr. Jekyll and in the still of the night she turned into a Mr. Hyde.

 

Quite frankly I cannot speak to you from personal experience as I am not a BS and all I can offer you is my moral support and good wishes for an early and amicable resolution of your problem. However, if I may suggest that the next time your STBXW asks you why you are asking her awkward questions or trying to belittle her in the eyes of others, just say that "You know very well what you have done and knowing you and your penchant for being truthful and displaying integrity, why have you been dishing out a bunch of lies to me and treating me like so much trash"? After that whether she answers or just keeps quiet, let the matter rest. You can draw your own conclusions from the way she reacts or answers your query.

 

The other thing I wanted to suggest, if you think it is in good taste, is to get a miniature casket made like a baby coffin and a miniature head stone and get some close friend/s to accompany you and make a show of digging a pit and placing the casket in the ground and covering it up. You can then place the headstone at the head of the burial spot. the headstone should carry the lettering " Here lies the Marriage of (Wife's name) and ( Your name), Born( Year of Marriage) and died( Date of Divorce) dearly missed by (Your name and your two sons names)". You can add any further embellishments that you think of. You can either video tape the proceedings or just take photographs and post these on your FB page for all your friends to see. This may or may not help you get closure but it will certainly be a cause of embarrassment to your ex wife because she will definitely get to see it or will be referred to it by some friend or acquaintance of hers.This is just a suggestion since your wife has behaved so atrociously and not come up with the facts of her betrayal to help you get closure and heal. Please ignore this if you feel that it is not in good taste. Warm wishes.

[Wade Lamare]

So, smart new threads, kicking ride, and a sharpened up body.

 

Man, you are going to need a big stick to beat all the women off with when you're ready to date.

 

You may not realise this but you are going to be a prime chunk of beefcake on the dating scene.

[Formerfiveo]

Echoing everyone else, congratulations and well done! I am so impressed with how you handled things, and as painful as this whole ordeal was and still is, you maintained your self respect.

 

On another note, I've branched out my cabin search to include WV. My dream cabin is out there somewhere!

[LancasterAmos1966]

You can then place the headstone at the head of the burial spot. the headstone should carry the lettering " Here lies the Marriage of ......

 

 

JustaGuy, This is the first time I've ever heard it suggested to have a mock-funeral. Very unique idea.

 

Separation/divorce is really similar to death (death of dreams, companionship, etc.), so your suggestion just might help someone that is struggling to move forward.