Wife of almost 23 years wants divorce [updated]

[turnera]

Got a question for those of you who have had cheating spouse and got divorced or getting divorced after LTM. The wife and I have always been intimate and had a great sex life all these years. I now find that my sex drive is dead. If I try to do a little window shopping at the ladies or even think about sex with my wife or another woman...nothing no interest. Also my first thought if I look at another woman is "Nope that would be cheating and is wrong to my wife (which I often thought in the past if I did).

 

So is this normal? How long till an interest in other woman has it taken some of you?

How many times a month are you going to therapy?

[BluesPower]

Jeff like Marc says, don't think for a second that her and other man have not been together screwing. She wants people to think that she has not "really" been sleeping around.

 

 

You need to understand that it does not work that way. In fact they probably slept together before she did all the talking. Grown people do not act that way. They are not 14 years old, they have been screwing for a while, a long while. She sure was not wanting or getting anything from you.

 

 

Not to hurt you more, but you really have to understand the depth of the betrayal so you can stay mad, do what needs to be done, and move on.

 

 

Stay Strong...

[Marc878]

Cheater logic says if I never admit to it then it didn't happen. That's what you're dealing with. The gist behind this is you don't count for much. Look back at the last year. See what I mean?

 

Most honest people can't comprehend the lies because they wouldn't. That always gives the cheater an edge and they prey on it.

[S2B]

You will become interested in someone new when you heal and are healthy and ready to trust again.

 

Don't step in sooner = like energy attracts like energy...

[Jeff1690]

How many times a month are you going to therapy?

 

I have not gone to any therapy. Just talking with my father and a few close friends.

[Jeff1690]

Long day today. Guess it is the roller coaster. Woke this morning having a dream seeing her face smiling and saying "He has everything you don't". So needless to say I woke angry.

 

I was a bit depressed as well and was trying to find an excuse not to work out. Luckily I decided to work out and hit the heavy bag as well. That got the spirits up a bit.

 

I had to pick my mother up at the airport later in the afternoon, long drive. All I could do the entire way was envision conversations with the wife demanding answers for all she has done. Tried the radio to listen to music...no joy and it was just to damn distracting.

 

At the airport I thought I saw my wife four times but had to remember she doesn't fly in till tomorrow. She will probably head straight south and not come home, which is probably a good thing. Have not seen I think for almost a week and a half.

 

I can't stand days like today. All I want are freaking answers I am most likely to never get. Got to move on though. But, I am stuck in limbo till I get my cash buyout. Can't even start building.

[Marc878]

Her actions have told you what you need to know. Unfortunately all you'll probably get out of her mouth will be lies and deceit.

 

Unless you go into investigation mode.

 

Sorry you're here you deserve better.

[kgcolonel]

Hey buddy. Hang in there. More than likely the less you show you care and the fact that you're planning to move will be your way back to return the power to your side. Just play it low key and don't show your hand. You know more than she thinks you know.

 

I still think you need to let your oldest know what's going on.

[S2B]

She started planning a life without you - that's all you need to know since she's never going to tell you her truth.

 

It's true that their actions tell everything they will never say.

 

 

Hope tomorrow is a better day!

[Jeff1690]

Hey buddy. Hang in there. More than likely the less you show you care and the fact that you're planning to move will be your way back to return the power to your side. Just play it low key and don't show your hand. You know more than she thinks you know.

 

I still think you need to let your oldest know what's going on.

 

Will be telling the oldest upon his return from trip. As far as showing her how little I care and planning to move I have started something. Downstairs in the man room I have boxed up everything. Books, pictures, DVDs, certificates plaques. I have gone through the house and taken down every picture with just me and my sons. Several decorations with our last name are now down. A lot of clothing has been packed and in boxes.

 

One reason I did this is I might as well get started. Also I think when she comes in and sees boxes stacked neatly in the garage and downstairs maybe it will be a bit of a shock...Probably not, probably excitement. But I want her to realize how much of the stuff belonging to my family (Heirlooms and antique furniture) has been part of our life. Basically my family heritage and she is no longer welcome in it.

[Marc878]

I assume your side of the family was in shock or did they suspect?

[Jeff1690]

Total shock. No one would ever believe she would do something like this. A lot of disappointment.

[Marc878]

No wife or mother moves away and stays away from her husband and kids without an OM in the mix.

 

Looking back I suspect everyone sees it now. It's hard to fathom for most. That's why they get by with the lies and deceit so long.

[Jeff1690]

Well Marc that is how she got by it with me. I had total trust in her. We had always been on the same page.

[DKT3]

Affairs are never isolated incidents, there is always prerequisite behavior. Men tend to be blinded to these actions, until........

 

Once you've created some emotional distance you will start to really put the puzzle together, things that seemed a little off then will be very clear now. For me that's when I really got angry

 

Jeff, let go of needing to know why or get a explanation, it will burn a ton of energy, keep you stuck in limbo and once you finally get her answer it's like "WTF" no reasoning, no logic, just pure bull**** and none sense. It will usually consist of how she did everything and you did nothing, how she gave up because you didn't do blah blah. Then if course nothing happened with om until after.

 

You don't need her reasons, you need to accept that it happened, accept that it's not your fault, accept that the woman you married 23 years ago doesn't exist. Stop pain shopping, stop looking for proof.

[road]

Affairs are never isolated incidents, there is always prerequisite behavior. Men tend to be blinded to these actions, until........

 

Once you've created some emotional distance you will start to really put the puzzle together, things that seemed a little off then will be very clear now. For me that's when I really got angry

 

Jeff, let go of needing to know why or get a explanation, it will burn a ton of energy, keep you stuck in limbo and once you finally get her answer it's like "WTF" no reasoning, no logic, just pure bull**** and none sense. It will usually consist of how she did everything and you did nothing, how she gave up because you didn't do blah blah. Then if course nothing happened with om until after.

 

You don't need her reasons, you need to accept that it happened, accept that it's not your fault, accept that the woman you married 23 years ago doesn't exist. Stop pain shopping, stop looking for proof.

 

Why questions are a waste of time for that just allows the excuses to fly. And those answers never provide any satisfaction.

 

 

However the what, where, when, why, which, who, and how questions are good because they provide the BS the knowledge for them to then move past the affair whether they divorce or recover.

Edited August 12, 2016 by road

[kgcolonel]

Jeff, hope you are doing as good as could be expected this morning. I agree with the two prior posts, while it would be great to understand her reasoning, I don't think she is going to be willing to provide you with that, even after 23 years of marriage.

 

One suggestion I would like to make to focus that energy on protecting you and your estate as best as you can. Get answers on the document that you didn't sign, try to understand her anger when she found out you had an attorney, etc.

 

Don't show your cards as to the mental anguish....

 

From time to time you have mentioned that she would begin to cry, it always seems to be at moments when she has been caught in either a lie or in a compromising situation. What is behind that do you think, this may give you some leverage in getting what you need and deserve.

[Jeff1690]

Don't show your cards as to the mental anguish....

 

From time to time you have mentioned that she would begin to cry, it always seems to be at moments when she has been caught in either a lie or in a compromising situation. What is behind that do you think, this may give you some leverage in getting what you need and deserve.

 

My wife up until this point in our marriage has always been an honest, loving and truthful person. I believe she breaks down and cries because she knows she may have really screwed up, and knows I have always treated her well and supported and loved her. Or it may just be she is mourning the death of her pst life, but her actions show she is really loving the new.

[kgcolonel]

Jeff, you know her better than anyone on this board....it just seems odd that she's dug this hole and then breaks down when the discussion gets a little close to the truth....

 

I understand that you have said too much water has passed under the bridge for any consideration of a reconciliation....do you think that if you had the facts / details, you'd be able to deal with this any better?

 

I think she knows that she has really f@@ked up here not only with you but also with the boys....

 

I really feel for you and hope you're able to get what you need asap.

[Marc878]

The reality of "they always come back" is that in most cases they don't. It happens but for that senario to play out they have to realize what they've done was totally wrong, be willing to admit it and are worse off for it. Most will never admit they made a bad choice.

 

Change is a hard thing even if you're in a bad situation. Why? Because it's a known. The future is not even though you may find your life will become much better you don't know it at the time. I've experienced this many times for different reasons.

 

When one door closes another opens. Your life after this is what you'll make it. IMO you have to go completely dark and forge ahead. You don't have young kids so you have a great advantage there. Any interaction will just drag you back to the painfull past and accomplish nothing.

 

There are too many great women out there to waste any time on this. You can see it now but you're young and in time if you play this right you'll find someone much better than you had. Plus you're going to be a lot smarter and wiser after this.

 

Many would envy you in the position you're in at this time you just can't quite see it yet but you will.

[LancasterAmos1966]

My wife up until this point in our marriage has always been an honest, loving and truthful person.

 

 

Jeff1690, I've been reading this board on/off for easily 6 years. Finally registered today to offer my 2 cents to your post

 

My summary story: My wife of 25 years was also honest, loving and a truthful person. But she no longer wanted to be in a relationship with me.

 

A few things helped me to recover:

 

Time.

 

Work.

 

Prayer....even though my prayers were very short.

 

Telling my teenage kids the truth, and nothing but the truth. I also encouraged them to never disrespect her just because she wanted out.

 

Buying books from Amazon.

 

There's 1 book that I'd suggest checking out. I won't post a link, but if you look it up, the title is Uncoupling: Turning Points In Intimate Relationships. No, I have nothing to do with the author. This old 1990 book probably never sold well because it doesn't help get your spouse back. Most of us go looking for answers on how to get our spouse back!! But this book was even more important to me than having my wife back!!

 

It helped explain WHY this all happened. And that is what I needed to help me move forward.

 

Very simply, according to the book, she wanted out. She wanted freedom from her marriage, and freedom from being a mother. My attempts to reconcile and to fix whatever was broken were preventing her from being free.

 

But once I really knew why she NEEDED to leave, I was then able to recover and move on within a matter of months. No sense in holding onto someone that really wants to leave.

 

And so, Jeff1690, it's obvious that your wife wants out. She is willing to risk losing the relationship with you and her sons. And in spite of her playing dirty, I hope that someday you can thank her for the 23 years that she was honest, loving and truthful.

 

No, I am not condoning her actions to lie about her marriage vow, and to break up a marriage and a family. But I know what helped me recover, and I just wanted to share some of that info with you.

 

Hope some of this helps.

[Marc878]

IMO 20+ years of a good marriage are wiped out with infidelity. They are meaningless at that point. They are nothing more than sunk costs.

 

Move on and don't waste your time on it. Obviously they didn't mean much to her.

[Jeff1690]

LancasterAmos1966 I will check the book out. Maybe it will help. But, I agree with Marc a bit here. Infidelity is the one thing on my list I told her I would never tolerate. I had ample opportunities on her deployments to cheat on her, dozens. Not once. Through my work trips same deal. Even during the few low points and especially the past year I never considered betraying her. I always told her if I ever thought about cheating I would tell her and we could work through the problems if not end it. I told her I would appreciate the same. I could deal a lot better with hey started wanting other men but have not cheated conversation and if unable to fix it walk away. It would hurt, but at least there would have been honesty and no betrayal.

 

She started falling out of love and never ever bothered to stop and sit me down and say "Hey we have a problem let's work through it together." She has become so wrapped up in her career, new friends, and freedom that she didn't even bother.

 

After doing some reading about successful women with mid-life crisis she checks almost every box. Personally I do not wish her any harm. I do however hope she one day feels the pain she has put me through. Not very Christian of me but it is what she deserves.

[LancasterAmos1966]

 

She started falling out of love and never ever bothered to stop and sit me down and say "Hey we have a problem let's work through it together." She has become so wrapped up in her career, new friends, and freedom that she didn't even bother.

 

 

 

The book I mentioned explains that our spouses did not set out to do what they did. It happened little by little, lie by lie, etc. Our wives were attempting to protect what they currently had so they really did not set out to destroy their marriage and family; but it happened.

 

They wanted to have their cake and eat it too. Impossible of course, but I know males and females do this all the time. I think of people committing crimes and wind up losing their good paying job. They took the gamble, hoping to not get caught. And now they lost so much.

 

Our spouses took the gamble, had a little fun, but got caught. It took us awhile to catch them because we never experienced that kind of betrayal before.

 

These boards helped me a lot, but that little book did something in my mind to truly let her go in a nice way. Of course I was disappointed. I lost my Beloved Bride, my best friend and companion!!

 

But once I realized she was not a monster, she was not a narcissistic evil witch that never loved me, and she sure wasn't out to to make my life miserable. She simply wanted out, and living in America, she has that right to get out.

[Mystery2Me]

Jeff,

 

Both Marc and Lancaster are both correct...Marc represents early stages of grief and Lancaster the later grief stages.

 

Cheating is a equal rights opportunity for husbands and wives. Because I was (still am a successful) wife and it was my former husband who went thru a mid-life crisis (in the end the cause does not matter) whom cheated and abandoned a 16 yr marriage.

 

Lancaster is only helping you to move from the raw but yes easily blunt truth Marc points out.

 

At the end of the day the truth you and we all know (pointed out here by Marc, Lancaster, and so many others)...always comes down to a simple question:::: So what are you going to do now?

 

I too after being a faithful, beautiful (still a size 4 today), and successful wife certainly deserved to know why the former husband chose cheating and deceit. But like Lancaster stated if that does not happened....then we as betrayed spouses have to make peace and move on.

 

Does this suck....Yes!!!!! But what sucks more is marinating in the toxic waste of the dramatic end of the relationship.

 

For me similar to Lancaster....my closure had to come from within me not from former husband that at some point....He loved me and I loved him as spouses. Now the love is gone from both sides.

 

Continue to push yourself past the healthy anger to growth and peace....long-term anger will keep you stuck and exhausted.

Edited August 13, 2016 by Mystery2Me