Wife of almost 23 years wants divorce [updated]

[Marc878]

To be honest it sounds like she's lied so much she's getting delusional.

[ladydesigner]

New Freaking twist!! Just found out the OM who I was told was the brother of her best friend is in fact her best friends ex-husband! He does go to his ex-wifes house for birthday parties, etc because the have two daughters together.

 

I am tempted to go over to the Best friends house and ask her what is going on with my wife and her ex. If the best friend looks confused I will pull out the hard copy of the phone bill between my wife and her ex.

 

If she knows it is going on it will not matter. If she does not it will most definitely throw a wrench in her friendship and the affair. I believe I will wait until I have my buy out.

 

I've got my popcorn ready! Omg your stbxww is about to get hit by a brick

[Jeff1690]

Marc I truly think she isn't thinking straight. I have known my wife 25 years and have never known her to lie or deceive anyone. She wouldn't ever even retaliate against people she screwed over. I guess she has lying figured out know. She was the one person I knew I could trust.

 

ladydesigner=don't eat that popcorn to fast. I am saving the exposure to the best friend till after I get my money and am out. I want it to be a sucker punch about a month after everything is over.

 

I can just picture the ex wife headed to her best friends for her daughters birthday, the ex-husband showing up in a different car as if nothing is going on between them. And then BOOM! The best friend unleashes............sorry day dreaming again, but have my fingers crossed

[Marc878]

Unfortunately for you and your sons that's usually how affairs work. Reasoning and common sense goes out the widow. They can't or don't want to see the future chaos left in their wake.

[Jeff1690]

Well wife once again destroyed my NC plans. Yesterday she called three times. First time I didn't answer. The other two times I did. Youngest son is now out of town on a college field trip so just in case it was something about him I did.

 

She did talk about his trip and his flight arrangements. However, she sounded just like my old wife happy, talking to me as nothing was wrong. She started telling me about her day on both calls. I tried to interrupt but it was like she was on auto pilot. I just set the phone down and put it on speaker. She would go back and forth about her day and what was going on with our sons so I wasn't sure I should hang up or not.

 

She could have done all this by text message. Which is how it started out. I had to delete her photo for when she calls. When she calls one of the most beautiful pictures I have of her pops up. It just really sucked to see that picture from better times and hear her voice sounding like it used to before all this happened.

 

All night I just kept having conversations with myself as if practicing what I wanted to say when she comes home Friday. I want to tell her so bad just how bad she has destroyed our family and our lives.

 

I have been pretty angry today. I got up and worked out with kettle bells for about 40 minutes. Took a shower and got on the Harley and went to go get my haircut. I road for awhile on back roads trying to clear my head of her beautiful face and that happy voice. No joy.

 

When I got home about two hours ago. I went down to the barn and worked out again doing calisthenics, pushups, dips, leg lifts, and pull ups. When I was done I showered and ate some lunch. I am exhausted and a double work out seems to have helped.

 

She hasn't seen me for a couple of weeks. The oldest son got home from the North West college trip yesterday. He could not believe my physical transformation since the last time we have seen each other. I am now down 20lbs. I have been going to the tanning bed and have a great tan. My wife always loved how dark my tan was. Nope not doing it for her. I am doing it for me.

 

She isn't the same woman she used to be but I know how she thinks. If she is in the friendly mode I know when she sees me she is going to like what she sees. I want her to see me getting back to my old self. I want her little brain to start thinking "wait a minute I am losing that." Yes I want that. I want her to come back to me so I can reject her. (I know childish).

 

Did a little pain shopping the other day and saw a picture of the OM. Nice gut on him. Former military guy you can still tell he has some physical assets but every picture he has a beer. My wife's taste run to athletic men. I knew this from when we dated in the Marines. She mentioned the weight I had gained after my surgery five months ago. Now she can have her beer swilling fat OM.

 

I will be released from medical leave in about three weeks. I am hoping that this will help me keep this **** off my mind. Being in this house is like being in a dream. The divorce is coming. She hasn't been here in a couple of weeks so I have had no physical interaction with her. So, I know it hasn't hit me all the way yet.

 

Sad thing is we are still waiting on the closing of the refi. I just love banks. So I have not got my buy out yet. This means by the time I get the buy out I will be back at work. Which means the process of doing most of the work on my cabin will be slow. I will be living in the basement until it is completed. That means I will have several more months of contact with her even after being divorced. I am so ready to get out of here and start over and start really healing.

 

One thing I have done is pack. I have packed up almost all personal items and clothing that are not needed. Down in the game room there is a wall that is stacked with boxes almost to the ceiling. I wonder what her reaction will be when she walks in our closet and sees my half almost empty. Then when she goes down stairs seeing I am getting packed and ready to go. I almost feel like this has not hit her either.

 

Yes she is in her fantasy world but I am still here taking care of the house and most things that come up with our sons. I made a point to make sure the lawn was cut etc yesterday. I don't want her to realize how much work she is going to have to do to maintain this place on her own (we have 10 acres). The house is still as clean as it was when we got ready for appraisal.

I can imagine what the place will look like with two college age sons who have free range of the house half the week while she is working. Helping her with yard work...not so sure that will happen. They like most college kids are always gone and busy.But of course when they are here like a lot of children they are slobs unless you get on them.

 

Tired of the roller coaster, but really interested as to what will happen Friday. Both in our conversations and her reaction to my physical and mental change. Packed and ready to go and looking better than I have in a long time.

[kgcolonel]

Jeff, it is good that you are making your self the priority here. Be sure to let the eldest son know about your wife's exploits with her friends husband...that should be additional entertainment.

[Jeff1690]

I plan to let him know. I am just waiting for the right moment. Want to be sure he hasn't got his mind on other things and will be able to listen and process. He is really close with his mother so I have to be careful how I present this.

[Mystery2Me]

Hi Jeff! Wonderful to read how you are reinvesting in your personal physical and mental health in managing the stress of divorce.

 

Know that her "phone-call" act could be to successfully throw you back into the good ole days so you will be more amendable to her during Friday's visit.

 

The ploy of past staging is quite common by the wayward spouse because they can not deal with the s@#&&y mess that have their family living in. In their twisted mind everyone is just as happy with the mess as they are .....of course she can call and talk with you as if nothing has every happened.

 

Now you of course do not have the benefit of her rose colored glasses and she sees her new man as physically perfect regardless of his true physical appearance. She's happily swimming the the fantasy life (while you are navigating the rapids), so any thoughts of her properly appreciating you more healthy physical transformation will be lost.

 

Not saying she will not notice your improvements but she will not process them in the way you wish.

 

May I kindly suggest you tell her that text messages/emails are the best modes of communication unless it is about the children. This will aid combat the audio cues from her voice.

 

Stay strong focusing on getting gaining your freedom from the divorce circus.

[Marc878]

The phone call was for her benefit. See we can be "friends". You should be civilly saying sorry I have to go and hang up.

[Jeff1690]

Well the calls started out about the kids. From now on I guess I will have to be forceful and say gotta go.

 

Still trying to flush the questions of why out of my head. Some days I wish she was here and I could grab her shoulders and scream at her to tell me why. Of course then my ass would wind up in jail for domestic abuse and of course she isn't worth that.

 

My biggest obstacle is that I have been on medical leave due to ACL operation during this entire thing. Only a little over a month ago was I cleared to really get out and be active. Trying to stay busy seven days a week when you are stuck at home is a task in itself.

 

I do a lot of reading, and reflection, and am trying to view this happening as a new path to better things. I know it is going to be a long road but I intend to make the journey as smooth and fast as possible. Hopefully one day I will meet a woman who will not betray me. Of course right now I have not even been thinking about women. Strange since I have always had a strong sex drive. I realize in that department it is gonna take me some time, so I am going to do that and do it right.

[Marc878]

Hopefully one day I will meet a woman who will not betray me. Of course right now I have not even been thinking about women. Strange since I have always had a strong sex drive. I realize in that department it is gonna take me some time, so I am going to do that and do it right.

 

Your feelings are normal from a betrayal after having been together for this long. Your heart has not fully sinc'd up to your head. You are still trying to see her for who she used to be. She's not there anymore. It's a pretty sad situation.

 

Look, when she comes home Friday she will likely pull the full cheater script on you. Blamesfting, gas lighting, etc. Her mission will probably be to convince you to believe her lies. No one in their right mind would swallow the facts. Cut of off intimacy, distance, THE PHONE BXiLL, etc. Stand tall and never back down from what you know.

 

Why? Your strength in this will get you some closure. You didn't deserve this as well as your sons. It's not written anywhere that you have to accept this crap. Yes, you have to deal with it but you don't have to be played for a fool. You're a mans man. Act like one. Never accept lies. You know the truth.

 

Let this be a defining moment for the next phase of your life.

 

I'd lay out no contact terms so you can move on. She's not your friend or anything else at this time. Try and not let your heart overrule your head. If you do you'll regret it. It sucks but it is where you are.

Edited August 18, 2016 by Marc878

[S2B]

Wait - she's rarely home! You take the bedroom and put HER in the basement!

 

She cheated! She can stay in the dungeon (basement)!

[Jeff1690]

Wait - she's rarely home! You take the bedroom and put HER in the basement!

 

She cheated! She can stay in the dungeon (basement)!

:laugh: Sounds great. Really though our basement is completely finished. it is a little over 2000 square feet. Half of that is what my stbxw refers as my apartment. living room with big screen and big recliner, bathroom kitchenette, bed room with king size bed, and a work room. I spend most of my time down here. Rarely ever use any other part of the house.

[Jersey born raised]

Areoguy, don't feel bad for me. Yes the pain was intense. But what saved men was I defined myself by my actions. I never swore or called her this or that. I used the pain to focus myself to rebuild a post divorce life I was proud of, as Jeff is doing. Yes I have been blunt and questioned his reasoning. I do so because I want him to be the guy people think knows how to handle himself when it hits the fan. That is something to proud of.

 

For future a future wife (if any) I want her to say about me, Jeff or you:

 

----------------------------------------

 

 

Why improve yourself by the new wife of a BS*

 

As a side note I always find it very interesting when a person is hammering their ex mate so hard for cheating and refuses to accept any responsibility for anything that might have been wrong in the marriage.

 

My husband's exwife cheated on him and left him for the OM. She was pregnant by OM before the divorce was final. When I met him he admitted he knew he'd done things in the marriage which left it vulnerable to an affair.*

 

He owned his behavior.*

 

He didn't condone her affair but he accepted responsibility for his part in the demise of their marriage. That was something I had to respect. He worked on himself, in therapy, while they were separated and divorcing. When she wouldn't go to MC, he went alone, and I have reaped the benefit from that counseling. *

 

-------------------

 

Be well all

[Jersey born raised]

Did you notice who "reaped the benefits". Now that will frost the buns of a an ex wayward spouse.

[Jersey born raised]

One last note. You cannot be friends with this person. Friends do not destroy a friends like this. She crushed his future plans, she has inflicted self doubt into him, she has crushed her sons world. Friends help each other. She is calling him crying because of her loss. She is using him to fill areas other man does not. I talk with a friend who's exWW calls him him with person problems He thought they where not because of the OM and her's relationship. I looked at him and said of course it is about them. He does not to here about what is on her mind. He is shutting her out and being "unavailable" so she calls you.

It s not your place to to take his place in these matters. That's his problem to deal with not you. Besides all this does is stop you from moving on.

 

Well he stop now his sons tell him all they do his fight. All I can say is welcome to the real world.

 

Jeff share info of who other man with sons at this time. It is part of their plan to get them to except him as a great guy.

 

What you can do is be allies when it comes to your sons. Allies don't really care about each other lives. Only that the other party keeps up their end of the deal.

 

With this new twist her and OM game plan is out in the open. Hide get divorce and then find each other.

Edited August 18, 2016 by Jersey born raised

[Marc878]

Well wife once again destroyed my NC plans. Yesterday she called three times. First time I didn't answer. The other two times I did. Youngest son is now out of town on a college field trip so just in case it was something about him I did.

 

She did talk about his trip and his flight arrangements. However, she sounded just like my old wife happy, talking to me as nothing was wrong. She started telling me about her day on both calls. I tried to interrupt but it was like she was on auto pilot. I just set the phone down and put it on speaker. She would go back and forth about her day and what was going on with our sons so I wasn't sure I should hang up or not.

.

 

You didn't have to answer the phone or when you did you could have said "sorry, I have to go and hang up".

 

You aren't no contact because you can't let her go yet. The problem is she left you already. You're hanging on hoping it seems when you should be detaching.

 

Do not let her play you on Friday. She knows the old you and will try to manipulate her way out of the truth. Don't regret not standing up for yourself later.

 

Good luck

[road]

Well the calls started out about the kids. From now on I guess I will have to be forceful and say gotta go.

 

Still trying to flush the questions of why out of my head. Some days I wish she was here and I could grab her shoulders and scream at her to tell me why. Of course then my ass would wind up in jail for domestic abuse and of course she isn't worth that.

 

My biggest obstacle is that I have been on medical leave due to ACL operation during this entire thing. Only a little over a month ago was I cleared to really get out and be active. Trying to stay busy seven days a week when you are stuck at home is a task in itself.

 

I do a lot of reading, and reflection, and am trying to view this happening as a new path to better things. I know it is going to be a long road but I intend to make the journey as smooth and fast as possible. Hopefully one day I will meet a woman who will not betray me. Of course right now I have not even been thinking about women. Strange since I have always had a strong sex drive. I realize in that department it is gonna take me some time, so I am going to do that and do it right.

 

 

Why questions are pointless and totally useless for the answers are just more excuses.

 

 

The WS did the AP because they wanted to. They then used that want find justifications real or false. They took the easy fix instead of fixing themselves and or their relationship with the BS.

 

 

You now have the answer to WHY. No need to thank me.

[Marc878]

Why questions are pointless and totally useless for the answers are just more excuses.

 

 

The WS did the AP because they wanted to. They then used that want find justifications real or false. They took the easy fix instead of fixing themselves and or their relationship with the BS.

 

 

You now have the answer to WHY. No need to thank me.

 

Exactly. Cheater logic to justify in their own minds. That's why you accept nothing about this sordid mess. Never back up from what you and everyone who's seen this to be the truth. It's just a typical affair and your W is a proven liar.

[Marc878]

The problem you're having like most is you're still in love with who you thought she was. She has shown you through her actions (detachment, phone info with other man, hiding who he is/was) who she is. Believe her.

 

She will play on your feelings of who you thought she was. That's how cheaters get by with their lies and deceit. Most just don't want to believe the unbelievable even when it's right in their face and are willing to accept excuses. In reality there are no excuses. It's who she's become.

[Marc878]

Accepting lies = Accepting disrespect

[turnera]

Well the calls started out about the kids. From now on I guess I will have to be forceful and say gotta go.

Or just hang up.

 

"STBX, I will no longer talk to you about anything other than the kids. The second you start talking about anything else, I will be hanging up on you. Forewarned."

 

And then DO it.

[Marc878]

You've gotten a wealth of info. Good luck tomorrow.

 

You know how to handle yourself.

[Jeff1690]

I hope I won't need luck Marc. Since she has called I have been preparing how to hit her with every fact of her lying, and stringing me along in our marriage for over a year. However, after a good workout today it dawned on me I really don't need to. It will go in one ear and out the other.

 

I intend to find a time one day before the divorce if a civil conversation comes up about our marriage I am going to get it all off my chest in a calm manner. If that doesn't happen, well it won't happen. I guess part of me wants her to hear it from me that I know what she did to our marriage and family. Can't stand the thought of her thinking she duped me...well I guess she did for the past year or more

 

Did more reading today about life after divorce and what to expect for a man coming out of a long term marriage. These readings are helping me select (I hope) a path to happiness.

[Marc878]

Knowledge is power. You should have found a lot you didn't know before.

 

Good luck anyway.